« Day 11,877: Dante's Seventh Circle Of Hell is actually kind of brown and twiggy | Main | Ya'll are curious and curioser. THANK GOD. »

August 2, 2006

August 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

Is it really August already?

Every day I look up from a pile of work and suddenly it's already 2 p.m. and WHERE IS THE SUMMER GOING? Not that I mind the passing of the hottest months of the year, of course, what with my thick Nordic-Germanic blood making me predisposed on a genetic level to sit on an iceberg swathed in furs and drinking vodka, but it's more that I need a vacation because ya'll I am tired. I visit travel websites and pray for "Cheap Flight To Anywhere." When one cannot feasibly take a vacation, one plans phantom getaways online. It's like porn, really, as secretive and guilty as I feel about it, always going online to get a quick fix (Dubai! Prague! Boston!) and then after I get my fix, I feel calm, transported, even if just for a minute.

What does this have to do with Astrology, you may ask? Nothing.


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Home repair, car repair, footwear malfunctioning, even the sunglasses/handbag/new thing you just bought is askew. Fun, eh? How's it going over there, Aquarius? What's broken today in your world? I know it feels like it won't stop (oh, and by the way, for those of you who are not experiencing any technical difficulties at all, ah. yes. Well, sorry to break the news to you. August is "Stuff Breaks" month.) but it will stop, it will! even though it feels like the world has conspired against you. It hasn't ... it's just something in Uranus. Besides, whatever breaks can be replaced, and maybe you'll find something better anyway ... next month, of course, when it's likely to last longer than a day and a half.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Now would be a really good time to start some sort of art project. There's a wide variety of really artsy rivers running through the Pisces world: the obvious painting, drawing, scrapbooking, knitting, crochet, etc. But Pisces has a real artistic-crazy streak this month, that extends to designing items from scratch, cooking up gourmet creations, making cakes shaped like Monopoly games. Don't rule out the more adventurous art-crazy, either, like carving stuff with power tools or making electronic devices, or building a car from scratch. It's your month to go a little nutty in the creative realm, and you should take advantage of it before your inspiration diminishes with the end of summer.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
The good thing about you Aries folks is that you really don't hold life-long grudges. It's kind of nice to see someone forget (forgive?) past transgressions. Oh, ya'll may think I am smoking the astro-weed, but if you had any idea what real grudge-holding was you'd realize what a fine specimen of forgiveness you can be (ask a Scorpio or a Cancer, we'll tell you who wronged us back in third grade, I kid you not.) The only problem with your approach to past wrongs, and wrong-doers, is that often you give people a little too much leeway, and a chance to re-wrong you. This month, particularly between the full moon on the 9th and the new moon on the 23rd, watch out for backstabbers who are going in for Kill Number Two. I don't trust them, and neither should you.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Everyone gets these weird financial ripples from time to time, where they either feel surprisingly on top of the money issue or surprisingly (and woefully) behind the curve. You've been in both of those places, and obviously it's better on your psyche if you are moneyful instead of moneyless. This month you might find that you're moneyful for a short while, and moneyless for what feels like forever. The good news: there's a planetary accountant who likes you and September will bring a real relief to some particularly unexpected money issue you've had. The bad news is that apparently the good planetary accountant is on vacay in August.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
No matter how many vacations you take, or adventures you have, there's always a desire in you to see more, do more, know more. Know-It-All-Ism is a real Gemini trait, but because you're so likable nobody really minds letting you pontificate and excitedly explain things. The problem comes when you get bored, and need new inspiration, and you're stuck without a vacation to plan or anyplace at all to roam. In these times, like, say... August, you have to get creative with your escapism and take a new look at your home, your own city, the people around you who might Know It All about something you'd find totally fascinating. Then of course you can pick their brain for info, and you'll Know It All. As it should be.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Ya'll, what the HELL has happened to the romance sector of our astrological lives? Is someone up there just MAD at us? Have we offended the Gods, bringing about a kind of planetary hokey-pokey where every single romantic possibility is one foot in, one foot out, try to shake it off but don't fall down! Because then you will cry! And if you get us crying this month, we're likely to never stop. It's been romance-free over here in Chez Spinster, I don't know how ya'll are making out. (hah. making out.) But this entire situation caused me to do some long-range astrological planning for us crabs. As it turns out, when the cold weather returns and the nesting urge is strongest, things will make a slight turnaround in the Love House. There's going to be some kind of odd late-November love vive around the last new moon and if this falls through, I am going to sue the Astrology. And then I will cry.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Happy birthday! Leo and Virgo are two of my favorite signs, aside from my obvious soft spot for all things Cancerian. Leo is so unlike Cancer in so many ways: feisty, fast-moving, always on to a new exciting thing, and good-naturedly lazy when you're comfortable (actually, we have that in common, too, except that Cancers begin to worry incessantly when they feel their lazybones, whereas Leo just stretches out and relaxes. We could maybe learn a thing or two from each other.) This August is a good time to focus on the lazybones and relaxing, it's been an exhausting few weeks (have you had a lot of unexpected commitments come up? too many missed connections to count them all?) Everyone needs an emotional nap from time to time, and your time is right now.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Hello Virgo! Happy birthday and birthday-to-be from me, a Cancer who always seems to get your chart wrong. I can't help it. Ya'll are so mysterious to me, you're particular without being really finicky, you're organized but sometimes no one can tell that but you, and you have a real system for evaluating the world whereas I proceed emotionally on every issue. I like the way you Virgo folks do things, it's just a real hard pattern for me to understand. Perhaps that's what's the new moon right on the 23rd is all about, letting folks inside, letting us crazy non-Virgo types have a little insight on why you are the way you are. Don't be afraid to confide a little this month, to let down the Virgo walls a tiny bit, let someone get to know you, the inside-you. It's a good (if somewhat scary) way to start a new birthday-year, wouldn't you agree?

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Dear Libra, Do not go careening down winding roads in a fast car while under the influence of alcohol and then get arrested and say nasty things to the police because it may end up ruining the great image people had of you from your "Mad Max" and "Patriot" days. Whoops, sorry, that was my Hollywood Big Shot forecast. I got it confused with Libra because ya'll are thinking about going a little buckwild crazy right now, and not always looking ahead to the consequences. It's OK, though, because after the full moon next week your impulse to pack your bags and head off to ANYWHERE BUT HERE will subside, and you probably won't have to issue an apology that's printed in Variety or the Times. Luckily. Too bad Hollywood Big Shot couldn't have heard this advice about a week ago, eh?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
All work and no play makes Scorpio so irritated and tired and annoyed that at any minute ya'll are about to fling off and snatch someone baldheaded. I know that the work you're doing is VERY good, and this whole period from about March onward has been exhausting, and kind of rewarding but still, you're tired, and why can't you just get some peace and quiet already! but you just have to endure a few more weeks of nose-to-grindstone and then you can take a much needed rest. If it's any consolation, this entire Jupiter-infused period of your life has been really excellent for your future financial picture. Does that help? A little?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
My best friend from college is a Sag, and she always told me that this last part of summer seemed a bit sad and nostalgic. I can see that whole swirl of memories-of-summers-past piling up on you around the full moon next week. Next weekend and the ten days after that in particular are going to be kind of maudlin and "remember when...?" I'm warning ya'll right now, because although you aren't the sad sack romantics that Cancers are, or the prone-to-wistful Pisces, ya'll still have a tendency to get soft about the past at unexpected moments, and it creeps up on you and makes you feel dissatisfied with your present life, or sends you into a tailspin wondering WHY ON EARTH AM I THINKING OF THIS STUFF RIGHT NOW? So I felt it my duty to warn you, so you can see it's just normal, and not an indicator that your present-day life is off-track. It's just nostalgia, and it might make you want to call folks you haven't talked to in a while, or check in on your far-flung family. It's not an existential crisis. It's just the full moon.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
If you are any kind of Capricorn at all, you have spent at least one day this week doing the following: thinking obsessively about your finances, thinking obsessively about your housing situation, thinking obsessively about your transportation situation, thinking obsessively about your love life. Or, perhaps, you have done ALL THESE THINGS and still, you have arrived at no solution at all, and you are ready to do any of the following: change your hairstyle, go on a crazy shopping spree, move to (insert city), change your career, smack someone upside the head when they look at you even a teensy bit crossways. I would say that Capricorns are maybe not to be messed with this month. Ya'll are maybe a wee bit on the tense side. HOWEVER. Might I point out (before you smack me upside the head) that August brings with it a lot of actual logistical change in your life, and planning for the future is a good thing, and you'll be more relaxed at month's end than you can even envision right now. Once the new moon on the 23rd passes, you'll be ready for September and ready for fall without all the obsessive worrying. Try not to assault too many people between now and then.

Posted by laurie at August 2, 2006 11:38 AM