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July 20, 2006

Ten minutes from crazy.

Usually I keep my more dorky and insane details to myself, because my parents read this and even more so because my parents' friends might read this website, and therefore my general filter for whether or not I share a particularly strange tidbit of myself is measured against the following yardstick: Will my parents be dis-invited from cocktail parties because no one wants to make conversation with them about their daughter, Crazy McWeirdopants?

Potential Hostess: Hi! So glad ya'll could come to dinner. So, how is that daughter of yours? Still clinically insane?
Dad: Yes.
Hostess: Well, this is awkward isn't it? Jim, come get these folks a big jug of bourbon and the number of that doctor friend of yours in Jacksonville.

But I'm sharing the following story because sometimes even the clinically insane can make out like a bandit in beautiful, sunny Los Angeles, home of movie stars and swimming pools and crazy people.

See, I've come up with this new, not particularly endearing little quirk that has somehow infected my coworkers and now, I fear, is working its way through the wider world of high finance and onto the greater populace. My new quirk is also totally uncool, and plays into all the very unflattering stereotypes of people who spend too much time online.

I have developed some kind of Tourette's syndrome where I now refer to all sorts of foolishness as SNAKES ON A PLANE.

For example:

Cute Boss: Laurie, how are those mockups of XYZ going?
Me: I got the images about ten minutes ago, my deadline is five minutes ago, I AM SO SNAKES ON A PLANE!

or

Coworker A: The conference call isn't working because there's something wrong with the blah blah blah.
Coworker B: Have you tried dialing a new code?
Me: Have you tried SNAKES ON A PLANE?

You would think that a woman of my rather advanced age and total boringness wouldn't find such a thing as SNAKES ON A PLANE so hilarious. Yet it is the perfect one-size-fits-all phrase for just about everything. For all its nerdiness and dorkiness, suddenly this one phrase has captured the imagination of a generation! OK, yes that generation consists of "me" and also "a few fourteen year old boys who play World Of Warcraft in their basements every night while simultaneously trying to download free porn." But still! Imaginations firmly captured!

Of course my coworkers and my boss know I am sort of a harmless and occassionally funny nutjob who sometimes blurts out the word PORN in meetings, and so on, and this new affection for SNAKES ON A PLANE is certainly better than the alternative. Yet, to those who maybe do not know me and love me, I suppose I can seem ... a bit of a pickle.

Like, for example, to THE LAW. Who pulled me over yesterday evening to give me a ticket for possibly doing a California Roll at a stop sign. In my defense, I had just gone to get my nails done (ya'll! I am so girly, getting my nails done and all!) and it is also maybe a little true that I was admiring my own ballet slipper pink fingernails and really remarking on the artistry of it all, and surely I can forego cable movie channels for such a luxury, when I heard the siren and then saw the lights flashing and he was, I assure you, not pulling me over to ask for directions or recommendations for a good manicurist.

Law: Can I see your license and registration please?
Me: (whimper)
Law: Miss Lastname, did you not see the large, red stop sign that tells cars to stop?
Me: Yes, I know. I am SO SNAKES ON A PLANE.

silence

silence

silence

Law: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY SNAKES ON A PLANE!

Me: (whimper)

Law: "I am tired of these blanketyblank snakes on this blanketyblank airplane!"

Me: SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!!

laughing

laughing

laughing

And ya'll KNOW I did not get a ticket. That's right you high-minded litterature-reading, high-brow art-film-loving people who look down upon me and my kind and our insanity! True, I may be CRAZY and also possibly losing IQ points, but I got my license and registration back and a nice friendly warning from a fine-looking office of the law, have I mentioned how much I love the law and their authorityness?

And while it is possible that I myself will not be invited to any cocktail parties by my parents' friends, I believe my folks will still get a free pass on this one, because everyone loves a good Evadin' The Law story, and also they can spend the rest of the night talking about SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!!

Posted by laurie at July 20, 2006 11:16 AM