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July 05, 2006
July 2006 Hor-O-Scopes
Hi! Happy July! Or not, you know, depending on where Uranus is. (HAH HAH! Sorry, I am nine years old, apparently.)
Summer is always my busiest time at work, so I blame the slackage on this here website squarely on my need to bring home a paycheck. It truly does interfere with my star-gazing and faux-austrologizing and drinking and carrying on. However, if someone would PLEASE invent a car that runs on cat poop, I know I could be the richest woman in America with the finest renewable energy source ever. Or invent something that runs on cat hair. Cause my Uranus is covered in it.
Happy horoscopes!
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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
I had something else here, but realized I had recently used a Tom Jones metaphor in another horoscope not very long ago and that's so sad, ya'll, I'm THAT IN LOVE with Tom Jones. Never fear! Your chart is still as Aquarius as ever, with the same general concept for all of July (oh, but I love saying "pelvic thrust" ... it's so unfair that I can't talk about Tom Jones in staff meetings!) Anyway. Your July is hot, an "I live in the valley" sort of hot, because you have self-confidence sitting squarely in the House of Hoochie this month. (So you see why I immediately thought of "sex-bomb" ... right?) Let your fans adore you, but don't be surprised if you're somewhat worn out by all the attention near month's end. It's fine... everyone has to return to the green green grass of home and lay their head down... SORRY. I'll stop now. Tom Jones. mmmmm.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
A few years ago, McNeil Consumer Healthcare released a "GUT list" -- a roster of the top ten cities where folks were suffering from tummy problems. Los Angeles took the number one spot, which proved my completely fact-less theory that Hollywood causes nausea when taken too seriously. For example, movies that twist our sweet tooth with romance and send us into a sugar coma with sappy completely unrealistic plots are not to be ingested when it's hot and sunny summer (a notoriously bad time to make a lasting love connection, anyway). Fantasies are lovely, but they're simply empty calories and as long as you're trying to make the movie in your head be real, you'll never truly inhabit your life. You're not meant to be a plot point in someone else's story. (I have to remind myself of that same thing, too, all the time. We're all kindred and stuff that way. Must be a water sign thing.)
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
The election drama our country went through in 2000 has changed the world. Now, everyone gets a recount! Mexico, our friendly neighbor to the south, is recounting the votes of their presidential election as we speak. This has shown the world two things: One, never stop counting until you're declared the winner. And two, bring along enough provisions to sustain you through weeks of indecision. This little lesson in mathematics and snack preparedness will serve all Aries children well in the long summer months. If your options appear to be dwindling, do some creative counting (or find some misplaced absentee options to see you through.) When you can't seem to make any decision at all, use stalling tactics to buy yourself some time. Snack wisely. Be willing to wait it out. Some might argue that there's a third lesson to be learned by all this political snafu-ing, but I'm still awaiting their prepared arguments before the supreme astrological court.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Earlier this month an astronomer in Australia announced that Asteroid 2004 XP14 may or may not hit earth in another century. Apparently, even monstrous chunks of ice and rock can float around for eons without bumping into anything, completely unnoticed, until the fateful day when somebody with time and patience looks into exactly the right spot. (If you didn't get the message in that moralistic, heavy-handed last sentence then you are denser than a chunk of space matter.) This is not the time to avoid exploration, Taurus. Take your eyes off the floor and look up, scrutinize, peer closely at your circle of orbit. You will encounter and collide with a substantial force in your personal life, a positive encounter for you both, but you have to be looking to see it.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
As seen on TV! Get rich quick! Not available in stores! Hurry, supplies are limited! Stop unsightly razor burn, solve all your problems and never sweat again -- all in four easy payments! Oh, we should be so lucky. Why can't all our panaceas come in four easy payments? Personally, I'd put a down-payment on a case of Lonely Buster or the Patented Creep Clapper (when someone annoys you just clap on, clap off!) But alas, there is no infomercial to address the needs of a Gemini this month. Nothing you can purchase will make your mailaise less real. That slightly out-of-touch feeling may be accompanied by pangs of loneliness, uncontrolled channel surfing and visible panty lines. Be advised --don't waste your money on impulse buys that will leave you feeling emptier. Instead, take pictures this month, recording forever all the things you already have that make you happy (like your friends, and your adventures and projects and travel, because even though we know you can't buy happiness, no one says you can't encounter it along the way, right?) Also! Just FYI... there is no free gift with this horrorscope. But I do accept everything in four easy payments.
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Have you ever tried to figure out someone's password so you could snoop in their email for proof of a romantic tryst or other indescretion? No. Of course you haven't. Because that would be wrong, wouldn't it? HAH HAH. I know you so well because I am Cancer Personified, remember? Your sleuthing skills are second to none, and I'm sure that while you have never actually sat at your beloved's computer and snooped his files (or backpack, glove compartment, desk drawer, etc.) you'd still like some small comfort that you are not the crazy one, we all have these impulses. It's so hard for us little Cancers, we need to know the truth, we want to know, but we're never sure people are telling us the absolute, honest truthy truth, and pragmatic as we are we just need some ... proof. Keep your impulses in check during July and choose to trust, choose to stay out of the factfinding business. You'll just find items you don't want to see, and then have to explain how you found them. Better to keep the object of your interest busy with happy-trusting you than with wannabe-stalker you.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
The planets have aligned for you in such a way that July will be an excellent personal shopping month, should you choose to exercise that credit card. Your talent for bargain-hunting has been heightened by a lovely full moon mid-month, ripe for half-off sales and hidden handbag gems. Or power tools, because for some reason there may be power tools in your month. I do not know! Either way, you will have the strength to fend off buyer's remorse, the fortuitous happy moment of avoiding a poor impulse buy, and the good luck to shop without fear because somehow you have money in your moon. Take advantage of it, but for God's sake -- avoid pleather! Your planets do not look good seated on pleather, especially Uranus (sorry! could not resist!)
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
"Yeast" is just one of those words I hate to hear. It's right up there with "bloated" "crampy" "purge" and "raw umber." We all have words we avoid ... of course, your words seem to be "no" "too busy" "all booked up" and "some other time, thanks!" Do you really want to spend another summer frazzled, fried and all-around crampy? Of course not. Grow a backbone and start using that word NO. It isn't a dirty word, it is in fact the nicest music to your ears ... it will take some practice, however. Try reciting these phrases until you're numb with joy, "No I'm completely busy but some other time." "No, but thanks for asking!" and my personal favorite -- "No, I have plans but be sure to let me know how it turned out for you!"
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
I need to talk to you about the male mid-life crisis. It starts around age 37 and lasts well into age 43 or 44, and is characterized by the following: constant pondering of bellybutton, dismal moments spent wondering if the past 20 years of his life have been a total waste, wondering if hot young yoga chicks will date him, inability to be an adult, and just the general ridiculousness of his death-grip on extended adolescence. Add x-box or addiction to online porn and shake well. Voila! Male mid-life crisis! So, why am I telling this to Libra in July? Because you are currently wondering if the past number of years was a waste, and you're questioning yourself when you know deep down inside that the only way to be the full-grown best you possible is by facing up to the past, not staring at it in a doubting funk. Those things happened to make you into the well-rounded grown up you are today (even when you doubt yourself.) And for the record, the answer is no: hot yoga chicks don't like 40 year old men who play x-box and can't grow up. I'm just saying is all.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
It's Independence Day, and Happy July! Break out the party mix of nuts. Usually our hero Scorpio is forced to work with the peanuts and cashews and occasional chesnut during the summer months of socializing and carrying on. Buck up, little camper. Family, neighbors, friends and co-workers get lazy and slack off this time of year and you'll have room to breathe for the next few weeks, but try not to slack off completely. Late Scorpio summer is deceptively busy with some project on your list, starting around the new moon on the 25th, but until then you should make appointments with yourself for some quiet time alone in a room with your sloth of choice. Nuts optional.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Like bad chick lit (or the even worse and so much more appealing gossip magazines), your month is a mix of rock meets hard place meets in sordid, chatty episodes. Your family or close circle of friends is about to have a major alteration in the batting lineup. I see some kind of off-center power play happening around you, and I highly recommend that you remain "unavailable for comment." This is one of those sticky situations you won't be able to pry yourself out of once you get involved, so if you want to save yourself trauma and years of therapy bills, stay out of it. Not sure how to politely decline being sucked into World War Three? A simple "I like you both and this isn't something I can solve, so I need to stay out of it ..." will suffice. Curb the urge to speak your mind on this one (a surprise case of laryngitis wouldn't hurt.)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Have you ever seen the magazine horoscopes that list your "best" and "worst" days of the upcoming month? On the "best" days you'll be sure to find true love, win the lottery and get a great haircut. On "worst" days, you should stay in bed while your true love sleeps with your best friend, your boss threatens to fire you and you get a zit the size of Mt. Everest. I think these color-by-number predictions are ridiculous. Usually. But I have to warn you to be prepared for unsightly happiness for one shimmering July day near the new moon. Due to time zone changes and the international date line dilemma, I am unable to predict the exact date. Things are going to line up in Capricornland and you'll get one of those mysterious days when everything just clicks. However, two days later you will get a zit. Small price to pay for perfection. Agreed?
Posted by laurie at July 5, 2006 12:01 PM
Comments
It was worth the wait.
(and pass on the designs for the cat-poop-mobile when you get them)
Posted by: Anonymous at July 5, 2006 12:27 PM
I am in for some unsightly happiness!! Woo hoo! Totally worth a zit. Also, do I get to leave the first comment? Amazing!
Posted by: frogophobic at July 5, 2006 12:29 PM
I'll join the fellow Cap above and celebrate the fact that I get a happy day! I can handle the zit - in fact I think I can feel it coming on now!!
Oh no!!
Posted by: Jody at July 5, 2006 12:30 PM
Tom Jones totally belongs in Cancer's 'scope. I've loved Tom since way back in the day *sigh*...and Cancer's shouldn't snoop this month? This info is maybe a few days too late.
Great to see you back after your few days sabbatical!
Posted by: Nancy Knits at July 5, 2006 12:32 PM
I want in on the cat-poop mobile...how bad would that exhaust smell? (hmm...as long as I'm not downwind, all should be rosy)
Now, this Virgo has to go practice saying "no."
Posted by: Tami at July 5, 2006 12:35 PM
Indecision for Aries? Is that some kind of constant given? Because that? - is my life. Good to know it's a zodiacal thing, and not a symptom of a weakness of mind or spirit.
If that cat hair fuel works out, I'd love to hear about it. I feel like my cat has amoeba-like powers of reproduction some days when I see the kitten-size tumble-furs.
Posted by: Kirstie at July 5, 2006 12:42 PM
I've been saving my kitties lovely red-gold fur, both shed and brush accrued, to perhaps knit a "kitty(?)muff". Hmmm. And thanks for the Gemini horrorscope! You hit it square on. Thanky.
Posted by: audie at July 5, 2006 12:48 PM
Love your blog. love your profile.I know what you mean about feeling like you are looking into other knitters lives.your cat Frankie could be the double of my daughters cat Buffy. I am going to try and get pictures of my four cats on my blog when I can get them to sit still long enough for a photo session.
Posted by: sarah at July 5, 2006 12:51 PM
oh lovely.. you tell Gemeni's to snap photos this month, and I'm doing a project on my blog.. perfect!!
Posted by: Beth at July 5, 2006 12:51 PM
"No, I have plans but be sure to let me know how it turned out for you!"
HA! Gotta love that one!
Have a good day!
Posted by: Juliana at July 5, 2006 01:03 PM
OH, Pleaaasssee be my friend! I OWN Tom Jones' Reloaded...whaaattt...it's not unusual...
Posted by: Petra at July 5, 2006 01:05 PM
Who is Tom Jones?
Posted by: David at July 5, 2006 01:06 PM
Would love to comment, but no, I'm busy right now, maybe some other time.
Posted by: Jann at July 5, 2006 01:06 PM
Greetings from the House of Hoochie! Yay for hot sexy horoscopes for Aquarians!
Posted by: Laustin at July 5, 2006 01:11 PM
Libra here. I had a dream last night about an ex-boyfriend from 1990. Talk about looking at the past. I've also been having trouble letting go of more recent-past unpleasantness. So faux-austrologizing or not, you're right on the money.
Posted by: Angela at July 5, 2006 01:14 PM
Hi, Laurie! Thanks for the 'scope! I always have a zit, so hopefully this month will include a day of wondrousness prior to the newest Vesuvius?
I wanted to tell you that I made Oma's chocolate cake yesterday, with a small modification: I used two round cake pans for the batter, not having one large cake pan, so between the layers, I spread a generous layer of homemade raspberry/blackberry jam, covered with a thick layer of frosting, then covered with the next cake layer, and tons of frosting covering the rest. It was a hit at the backyard barbecue I attended!
Helen
Posted by: Helen at July 5, 2006 01:17 PM
Rock On in the House of Hootchie.
When the tragi-comedy that is my current love life becomes a movie, that's going to be the title.
Posted by: Stephanie at July 5, 2006 01:17 PM
Thanks for the horoscopes. You told us Gemini's not to waste our money on impulse buys... How did you know I've been trying retail therapy???
Posted by: Helena at July 5, 2006 01:21 PM
Apparently I'm in a heat-of-the-south induced state, because I do. not. get. the Pisces horoscope. Something about sweet?
Posted by: Lyndsey at July 5, 2006 01:39 PM
I have never been SO excited to be an Aquarian before! Woo Hoo...Hoochie House here I come!
Posted by: Melise at July 5, 2006 01:42 PM
This Taurus is hopeful that the chunk of asteroid I'm suppose to notice is positive influence in the hunka-hunka-burnin'-love sense. (One not requiring medication, you know what I mean...)
Posted by: roggey at July 5, 2006 01:45 PM
Oooh, House of Hoochie, here I come! And perhaps if I tag along with my favorite Leo this month, I can slip a few hot new pairs of panties into the shopping cart. Just can't toss my dull-as-dishwater (but only $1/pair on sale!) Hanes Her Way up on the stage when Mr. Jones is in my sign.
Posted by: binky at July 5, 2006 02:01 PM
i'm a cap, the new moon is on the 24th, and i'm starting a new job that day! i think i love your horoscope prediction! (even if it does mean starting a new job with a zit. that's a sacrifice i'm prepared to make!)
also, oh my goodness, Petra, what do you *mean* who is tom jones! get thee to wikipedia!
Posted by: sabrina at July 5, 2006 02:36 PM
It is nothing new for this Scorpio to be surrounded by nuts.
Posted by: Miss Wendy at July 5, 2006 02:41 PM
For the first time in a long time, I don't mind being a cap. *L* Can the lotto win be tonight please? I won't say a word about the zit if I win the Cali lotto. ;^)
Posted by: Cookie at July 5, 2006 02:52 PM
OK. So yesterday I found out the "Daniel Boone" the TV show with Ed Ames *sigh!* is coming out with the first two seasons on DVD and now (!) you tell me I should stop making the "movie in my head real" and experience life? Rats! Even my kids were excited that they could finally get Mom the perfect gift for Hannukah.
Posted by: bonnie at July 5, 2006 03:38 PM
Gotta go break out the telescope.
Posted by: Sue F. at July 5, 2006 03:44 PM
Unsightly happiness?! Hoo-rah! Bring on the new moon! Also, when you invent that car that runs on cat poop, let me know. I want to never ever buy gas again, and my Grace wants to do her part for the environment. :)
Posted by: Julie at July 5, 2006 04:02 PM
even the stars know i need a change... but when are the stars gonna pay all that money they owe me?
change isn't cheap, you lazy twinklers.
Posted by: miss kendra at July 5, 2006 04:06 PM
I've seen Tom Jones in concert. Years ago! I think that rumor might be true, that he enhances his package with some stuffage. I was in the third row!
Posted by: Laura in Ok. at July 5, 2006 04:13 PM
oh great... now I'm going to have "Help Yourself" in my head all night long... "Love is like candy on a shelf..."
(though I will stick to my prefered rendition - Michael Ball (whom both my parents thought sounded like Tom Jones even before they ever heard him do a Tom Jones song... I guess its the Welsh thing - Michael Ball is English, but his mother was Welsh...)
Posted by: Aria at July 5, 2006 04:36 PM
You mean it's wrong to stalk folks? Sheesh. There goes all my fun. Or maybe I should just get together with that Virgo friend of mine and we should open the PI agency we have always joked about. Oh, and I just tend to assume that at least part of what comes out of other folks' mouths are lies. This does not apply to me because I always tell the truth. And stop trying to look behind my back because my fingers are not crossed.
Posted by: Dagny at July 5, 2006 04:54 PM
Verily, this month I shall occupy the House of Hoochie. SO excited. ;)
Posted by: Samantha at July 5, 2006 05:26 PM
Maybe Doc Brown from Back to the Future can invent that cat poop fuel. He had that Delorian running on trash-why not a jeep that runs on poo? ;)
Posted by: Jenny at July 5, 2006 06:00 PM
Will my glorious day have effects that outlast the zit?
Posted by: Robin at July 5, 2006 06:06 PM
oooh!! shopping for moi!! how excellent! and i promise--no pleather :)
and a new moon the day after my birthday...july should be an interesting month, all right!
oh, and like so many others, i'd love a cat poop-powered car. the nine would do well with that!
Posted by: michele at July 5, 2006 06:22 PM
Laurie, let me point out how you are now freaking me out. I just bought a power tool for a SUPER low price (gift for step-dad). Also, I'm about to go shopping b/c I need clothes for a t.v. appearance, and I'll be bargain hunting since at the moment I'm broke. I never read horoscopes and generally don't believe in them. Guess I should avoid that bright red head-to-toe pleather raincoat with fur trim? LMAO. j/k
Posted by: Amie at July 5, 2006 09:03 PM
How did you know about the too-much-wine-bathroom-floor-in-3"-heels incident already???? Gah. A Sag just can't get a break around here.
Posted by: Kim at July 5, 2006 09:19 PM
Anyone who still gets a laugh out of the name of the planet Uranus is okay in my books!!
Don't ever change! ;)
Posted by: daniel at July 5, 2006 09:33 PM
This leo was shocked by how dead on your 'scope was for me, but I thought 'Who would ever buy pleather?' Then last night while window shopping I saw the most beautiful pair of sneakers that were yellow, orange, and red pleather. Luckily, I remembered your warning and walked away knowing I had done the right thing. Thank You oh wise sage.
Posted by: ladyluvspearls at July 6, 2006 03:48 AM
What if I would rather inhabit somebody else's life?
Posted by: Lucia at July 6, 2006 03:58 AM
Car that runs on cat poop/hair? Oh yeah, I'd be set. I don't know how a ten pound cat can produce five pounds of hair every day but it seems like mine do.
And I'm a Virgo. Are you saying that when I'd already signed up for a class involving a huge amount of writing, AND I just got some other news which is very good but also means I will have ANOTHER huge batch of writing this fall, I should maybe say "no" to the possible 20-hour/week (and 5+ hours commute) job I might be offered in the fall?
Posted by: sunflower at July 6, 2006 04:54 AM
That car may not be too far away- farmers are now using cow pies to make renewable energy that thet are selling to the electric companies!
Here's an article about it:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060630/ap_on_sc/farm_scene_cow_power
Posted by: choomon at July 6, 2006 06:07 AM
You so nailed me as a Cancer. I HAVE to have proof on so many levels. I live for it. I used to think I was nuts with my ex all the time, and I'm still finding out truths from back then. But now I am accepting that I wasn't nuts, he really was (and still is) a big fat liar!! Go me! Happy late birthday, mine was yesterday, 29 again, give or take a decade :)
Posted by: Dana at July 6, 2006 08:49 AM
Where do you come up with this? How much Merlot did you really have?? Were Sobo and Bob involved??
Posted by: Yvonne at July 6, 2006 09:00 AM
There is a first for everything, and here I am commenting on your blog for a first time.
Which I read. religiously. every day.
But enough of that.
Happy Cancer birthday to you (and me too soon!) The horoscope is fab, it has me written all over it.
Posted by: Angie at July 6, 2006 01:01 PM
You are spot on for this Libra. I am all in a dither trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life- what I was trained to do, what I am in training to do, or something completely different? Your "advice" is actually some of the most useful I have gotten!
Posted by: Kristine at July 6, 2006 07:01 PM
How is it that you are always spot on with the Pisces? I swear!
Posted by: PuppyMomma at July 6, 2006 07:59 PM
From a fellow Cancer - don't look unless you REALLY want to know... nothing like opening an innocuous e-mail in your JOINT e-mail account (you know, the one where the e-mails come to and from "Mr. & Mrs. Blah-blah") and finding out that your hubby is arranging for a massage in a hotel hotel room for him and his "partner" - and NO, it wasn't a business trip...
also, don't open folded pieces of paper on the computer desk, or you might find the receipt for said hotel room...
Posted by: Lia at July 7, 2006 07:38 AM
well, I am a gemini, but I really needed to hear the cancer one. thanks!
Posted by: Tonja at July 7, 2006 04:18 PM
Oh man, you really are a cancer and you know me all to well. Also a cancer. Snoop doggy dog, that's me alright. I need proof and I also need to be right about the fact that I know you're wrong. I can't let it die untill we ALL agree that you're wrong and I'm right. ouch. (Wait, I didn't mean YOU, I just mean anyone I'm in a dispute with...)
I really need to check that... or not.
Posted by: jill at July 7, 2006 06:06 PM
Laurie! You CAN run your car on cat poop. Check out this crazy link:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20060304/news_lz1n4read.html
I mean, if they can use dog 'droppings', why not cats? And I'm sure you can find a methane converter kit for the Jeep!
Posted by: Stella at July 8, 2006 08:50 AM
First, I think Stella has solved the world's problems by suggesting that cat poo can be useful for more than just a late night snack for my uber-stupid dog. I'm ready to ship all my cat poo to the fuel guys, so they will have plenty of poo with which to experiment, until they get it right.
The Cancer forecast was soooo timely! Unbelievably so...
Posted by: Shelly at July 9, 2006 07:32 AM
Hey thanks for justifying my almost month off - I quit my job and am spending my time knitting, spinning and slowly cleaning the place up. This scorpio (pisces ascendant, moon in cancer, or vice versa) is having fun before getting into the grind of finding a new job after the 25th.
Posted by: lynne s of Oz at July 10, 2006 01:30 AM
Cappy here, already had that shitty day, back in May. That was the day I had to put my beloved Momoze to sleep because of a massive malignant abdominal tumor...but the next day the Hub got a job.
Hope you're doing well...long time, no hear
Posted by: La at July 10, 2006 09:33 PM
My boss forwarded me the link to your blog - completely unknowing that this Leo went out this weekend and bought .... POWER TOOLS!
If you find that poop powered vehicle, please lemme know...
Posted by: Kay at July 11, 2006 11:38 AM
dude, (don't judge me - i'm from the northeast!!) we must have been seperated at birth! yesterday was a coworker's birthday, and we (as birthday standards apply) all sign a b-day card for her. of course, i'm last to sign, and the space across the fold of the card is free...so i write "hey look! i signed your crack! happy birthday!"
so i guess i'm, ahh, seven? love it. love it so much.
Posted by: abbyrosie at July 12, 2006 07:58 PM
