Hooray for the fingernails, science, and the crazy 35 year old brain!

And will we get to see these fabulous science/beauty combinations once you find your camera cord? Did you choose your camera angle to show off the lovely nails?

I mean, knitting is fine, but knitting with beautiful fingernails, that's something else...

It's the small things in life that can make us so happy. Enjoy your nails, you girly girl!

Am I the first to post? YAY!!!!

Redneck Fro??? cute very cute and funny!!

Laurie, I am hooked on your posts!!! everyday I check in to see what you are doing! I am addicted...I've sent your link to my girlfriends so they can take a glimpse into your life too...We are from the BIG APPLE...NYC LOL We don't get to pry often into strangers life GOSH we barely even talk to the neighbor or the 7-11 guy!!! Do we have a 7-11 in NYC??? LOL

Damn the missing camera cord! I want to see a picture of The Pretty Nails! I miss mine. Used to get them done all the time when I lived in SoCal ... but Oregon just seems like a more au naturel kinda place (that, and the price for fills was WAY more up here than it was down there! BAH!)

Anyway, congrats. I have Nail Envy (and I can honestly say I've never, ever said that to anyone before! :))

I was tricked How can I be #3 when I was #1 before????? Science!!!! I blame Science!!! BTW I am going to get GIRLY nails too after work...mine are short and ugly..YOU inspired me! :)

Heh, heh. My cubicle neighbor STILL has a she-mullet perm. Oh, yes, she does!

Oh I wish I could have pretty nails! (I'm allergic to polish.)

Love the word trailerific.

Laurie & Comment Readers - got something to tell ya. I have also recently undergone a fingernail revolution - I had thin do nothing nails until I discovered the Avon instant manicure. People - it's a dry manicure! Its nail polish STICKERS you put on your fingernails, it looks like regular nail polish, makes your nails super strong and DOES NOT CHIP - stays looking good for 2 weeks. And its cheaper than fake nails at the salon. Spread the word people - dry manicures, the wave of the future.
Beth

I absolutely hear you on the fingernails. You must be my long lost nail twin, because I totally relate to everything you said. Hard as I try, the nails usually look like I've been out digging ditches without a shovel, so when I go for a manicure, I become mesmerized at how good they can make them look, and NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, I can't get the same look at home. And I'm sure you've run in to nail snobs, who sideways glance down at you and move away like you've got the plague or something. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I'm dialing up my manicurist right now.

Trailerific... love it. :)

I hope you're posting pics as soon as you hook up your camera b/c we all want to see these pretty nails!

I love me some acrylic fingernails!! The upkeep is remarkably cheap compared to, say, smoking...I pay $25 every 2 or 3 weeks. Well worth it!!

I've always called the she-mullet perm "mill lady hair" because for about 20 years every female that worked in a textile mill had that hair. A lot of them still do, now that I think about it.

Enjoy the nails, and we want to see them!!

Oh. My God. You crack me up (as usual!). I'm sorry about the fax machine drunk dialing your phone - I wonder how a fax machine gets drunk in the first place? Too much toner? Does it get together with the laser printer for a night of revelry?

NOW who's the nerd? :-)

Ahh... I too have recently joined the ranks of those with gorgeous nails and I'm lovin them. My initial excuse was teaching at a convention, but now I want to keep them. I figure my son isn't taking piano for the summer, so that'll keep me in nails all summer...now I just need to figure out the winter months.

(Don't tell, but I have been known to check out my nails too!)

Must be a 35 year old thing, this obsession with nails. I had a manicure Saturday (something I rarely, rarely do). But I got impatient and didn't wait long enough under the magic fan and glow lights. I screwed up the polish in the car on the way home. Bummer. But, they're shaped pretty and I have no hang nails and it felt good while she massaged my hands, so not everything was wasted.

I was just looking at my fingernails yesterday and thinking to myself that I would like to grow them out and may be forgo having yogurt in the house for the kids so I could afford a manicure, hehehe.

:)

When you say vitamins, are you talking about some kind of vitamin thingie that you put on your nails, or about taking a multivitamin? Because I started taking vitamins when I got pregnant, and before I knew it I had decent nails (also hair) for the first time in my life. I was 34 btw, so you see I had my own Mid 30s Nail Experience.

You are way ahead of me on the maintenance meter, even without the nails. Nails: short. Hair: The Bun. Makeup: oh, no, what test did I miss? Wardrobe: LL Bean, I love you.

Even more important than YOU enjoying the nails-are the KITTIES enjoying them?

Dammit. You're making me want to go get nails again. I always get annoyed at myself after I do it but I'll be I have them on by the end of the day....

Nails!
As a chronic nail biter of almost 30 years I have to say that the first time I professioanlly got my nails done I drummed them on every surface imagineable. Because after so many years of no sound... the clicking of my nails against anything was like Siren music. I swear.

When you get your nails done and your hair did... ervything is right with the world.

The cats love the human claws! LOL

Oh, I am so relieved to hear my dormant girly gene is a naturally occurring thing with women :)

And the vitamins -- big giant vitamin pills, plus topical stuff, really. Nothing helps, it's genetic.

I have this shitterific day, and I come here, and somehow, laughter is the best medicine.

I cannot thank you enough for being funny today - I really REALLY needed it.

xoxoxo

Stephie!! I have been doing that same thing, tapping them on my desk like Joan Crawford or something!! I love it. My colleagues? Not so much ;)

The most important thing you must remember is if/when you reach the point you must have them off, DO NOT do it yourself.

Like you, I once had pretty hands and nails. And one muggy sweltering summer day, I took all the faux nails off. I will never forget this day, and the pain & calamity that accompanied it. And whenever I hear the siren song of pretty nails, I remember that fateful day. Enjoy them, they are wonderful and fabulous (and scientific!) but they hurt like hell when you use implements of destruction and whack them off yourself. Some lessons should be shared!

(don't your rings look FABulous with the nails, too? That was always my favorite part.)

I've been acrylic'd twice, and for a grand total of 47 hours because I came to the conclusion (after the second time) that I still may just be too immature for the 'grown-up nails'.
The ones that survived my awful biting habit were ripped off eventually to tie my shoes. but.. I'd get them again in a second if I had the disposable income because I am absolutely awestruck at how good scratching your scalp feels with those nails....ahhhhh.
(this might just explain your hair issues today, it certainly would if I were you)

My stepmother, who is THE lowest maintence person on earth, gets her nails done. Her theory, and one I firmly agree with, is that your hands are really the ONLY part of yourself that you see all day, so it should look nice as much as possible. So me and you and our French Mani's should just rock out. :)

I love gels!! I used to love getting my nails done, but I had to give it up because it was costing too much ($35 for a fill! It wouldn't be so bad, except that my nails and hair grow REALLY fast...so I needed a fill like once a week!), which was a bummer. They were SO pretty, though. And when they occassionally did them a little too long, I'd call them my Porn Star Nails...*giggles*

Ooooh, I just got mine done last week for exactly the same reason! I never wear makeup, but now I have girly fingernails so it's all okay!

Laurie, I love those phony nails! They are the best.

Now I have to admit that the last time I had them, I was, alas, in a minor car accident. Minor in the sense that I was not seriously injured. Although the car was totalled. It was not my fault, I swear. Moving on...

Point is, the fake nails came out of the crash...unscathed! Still beautiful. Not one broke. Isn't it reassuring to know that in a crazy world like ours, a girl can still rely on a nice set of acrylic nails?

Enjoy!

can you garden with Nails of Science?

Hey, if looking at your pretty nails all day makes you happy, I say they're worth it.

LOL! I have the same nail genetics... blech! But I somehow passed 35 without this switch flipping. Sigh. Alas... still no girliness in sight.

Are the kitties fighting over who gets their head scratched first? Rocco wakes me up at 4 AM just about every day so I can scratch his head with my girly girly nails. Brat.

Okay, then, tomorrow, when you DO have both camera and cord with you, we want to see photos. Of the nails. SHOW ME THE MANI! ;-)

Oh, and yarn pictures are nice, too. What kind of cast-on do you do - long tail? (My personal fav.)

i have to second PlazaJen... i loved the fake nails when i had them, but then one random day i decided to rip them off. it took months for my nails to return from really horrible to their natural thin, brittle state. i'd love to go back to fakes, but that memory of ripping them off still haunts me

How flammable are those nails? Would they slow burn or just melt?

you go girl! I consider myself a pretty low maintenance girl (ok, fine, maybe medium maintenance) and I LOVE having fake nails with a french manicure, its a pretty small/simple thing that always makes me feel SO nice about myself. Unfortunately I'm at a phase in my life where it's hard to justify the cost. *sigh* but I'm working towards a goal here and you just reminded me of one more thing waiting at the end!

I love your blog Crazy Aunt Purl! I love having my nails done. Alas they have not been done for way too long. My husband does not see the point in paying for nails. Sigh......he does work while I stay home and knit I mean do housework hehe. Hands are the first thing I notice about people. The state of ones hands say a lot about a person. My nails never grew ever until I started having the kids wash the dishes. Now that my nails never touch dishwater, they are growing. Nothing like perfect fake nails, but at least look like I care for them.

I also have the pretty paid for Le French Manicure made by science. I jazz it up a bit with some sheer glitter polish when I feel the need for some other new invention in science for women that I can't afford. I am forty something all my friends are getting there nips and tucks and lifts and so on. I figure a good bra, a set of nails and thank the goddess Leslie Blodget for bare minerals and who needs the plastic surgeon. I have nails,underwire,and minerals to keep me prepared for that someday I may get the diamond ring again. WHy can't science invent a better man?????? One who doesn't cheet???

my husband is from the bronx and the first time he took me to meet his family, his sister and cousin's wife were totally shocked that i didn't have the fake nails... they took me around the corner to have them done post-haste, i walked out of there with inch long acrylics (at the advice of the woman sitting next to me who warned i don't let them cut the tips too short so i get my money's worth) with some sort of colored french manicure (clear polish with a silver tip instead of the traditional white tip) - FABULOUS!!!
wait until you discover the "madonna" hand from her video for the song MUSIC (note: you will do this hand motion 24 hours a day) here's link: http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?p=madonna++music&prssweb=Search&ei=UTF-8&b=0&oid=e4b24920719db7de&rurl=music.yahoo.com&vdone=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.yahoo.com%2Fvideo%2Fsearch%3Fp%3Dmadonna%2B%2Bmusic%26prssweb%3DSearch%26ei%3DUTF-8&vback=Results
just wait - you'll be driving along and realize that you're staring at your hands instead of the road...mine were so addictive, but alas became too expensive for me after awhile...

Watch out girl..them nails comes with a price!! They're not easy to take off so make sure you do proper upkeep!!

i secretly love the smell of the magic nail powder/gel/glue. LOVE it!

I have been debating getting nails again for a few weeks now. I love them when they're freshly put on. Alas, I am a Fidgeter, which means when it gets close to time for a fill, I fidget by picking at the tiny little loose edges of the nail. Before you know it, they are peeling off.

To further illustrate - it just so happens that TODAY I missed one little jagged edge on my left index finger. Grosser than gross, without a file I have been gnawing at it all day, to try and smooth it out. Which never works but I am compulsive and fidgety like that. Ex-smoker, you know.

I agree with you that "Men Are Turds Sometimes" but July is turning out to be (for me anyway) the month of "I Give Up and I'm Just Going to Join a Convent Because Who Really Needs Them". Seriously y'all - I had what I would venture to guess was one of the world's worst dates ever this past weekend. If any of you have had a worse one, well then I am so sorry for you. I am, however, thankful I didn't waste my hard earned money on fake nails in preparation of this event.

Bevvy, at least you're ON a date. I can't seem to get them to that point! How a man can reach 40 years of age and not know how to ask a woman on a proper date, never even mind TAKE her on this date, is beyond me.

Where are the real men? Are they all on a remote island somewhere? Why can't these fellas out here man up? It's a mystery.

Hilarious!

My mom just got fake nails and does the French manicure. She loves it. She also gets regular pedis. My tomboy mom! I love it.

Glad you've got pretty hands now.

Laurie, not that I'm trying to advertise my blog, but check it out if you'd like to. I wrote a post about it. I promise you there was nothing proper about it at all! He wasn't even wearing a shirt when he arrived (I really wish that was a joke) and he has called me 4 times since the date to spew hatred and hurtful words at me. I would have been MUCH happier sitting at home alone with Bailey (my kitty). On the other hand, at least I realized what a jerk he is on the first date instead of after 10 years like with my ex husband!

Dear Laurie,

You know you're a real woman when you look down and one of your acrylic nails has mysteriously fallen off and you replace it with a bandaid, because "no one will notice." ::raises hand::

Mary From Virginia! Great Comment!
"Show Me The Mani"
Ha ha !

Trailerific 'do's and pretty, girly fingernails?! Wow, now I am looking forward to 35. :-D

Y'all are giving me the heebie-jeebies talking about ripping off acrylics/gels. You have to go to the nail place and let them soak your fingertips in remover that dissolves the gel/glue. You can permanently damage your nail bed ripping them off yourself!

I love Permanent French Manicure. Nothing like it in the world.

Trailerific 'do's and pretty, girly fingernails?! Wow, now I am looking forward to 35. :-D

Oh yeah...I had acrylic nails for 20 years. Loved 'em. I love the sound of them clicking away as I type. Since I recently revisted by musical self by taking up the ukulele, alas, I had to remove the acrylics. One day I learn how to play like Dolly Parton...all barred chords. Enjoy the nails, and don't forget that "Love That Red" is an excellent color!

PICTURES! send us pics! (of the nails, not the knitting)

Wow! that's it! I always get nails when I'm feeling a bit out of sorts. I thought it was just another thing to spend money on. But no, it's the Southern thing.

Next time the fax machine drunk dials your desk, transfer the call to the fax machine.

I've had the same problem since I started my job in September - I just transfer the call to the fax machine and PRESTO! taken care of!!!

Good luck and yeah for you getting nails!

Regarding the hair:

Garnier Fructis Style Smoothing Milk. It's a miracle of science that's sold at the Target.

Can you garden with those fab-boo nails?

If I manage to remember my camera cord tomorrow, I will show you why I have no need to worry about gardening-related nail death. In a pictorial. So, so sad.

I thought I could break myself of the lifelong nail-biting habit by getting fake nails. Ah, they were beautiful. For a year I spent untold money on refills, and it was worth it to have the pleasure of finally having nails. Plus, I liked picking out my polish. Finally, the expense became too much, and I decided I had probably gotten over nail-biting. I had them removed and the thin, fragile nails were just so...very...chewable...I had bitten all ten down to the quick by the end of the day. One year of not biting, and it was all over in a day. I'll tell you, quitting cigarettes was NOTHING to quitting nail-biting.

Gawd, thanks for the laugh. If you're a nerd, I'm one, too!

It is a hormonal tic.

When you hit 35, the odors from the fake nail salons draw you in and the lovely nail-tech ladies (or gents) then convince you life beyond the 35th birthday MUST include pretty nails.

I did it. Everyone I know does it.

I only had to give up the internets at home to keep up the nail maintenance. Pretty fair trade, I'd say.

Perhaps brat should get a fangernail just to stay in the game.

Love, Vicki

Perhaps brat should get a fangernail just to stay in the game.

Love, Vicki

Tomorrow's possible pictorial is sounding frightening. I don't know about that Francisco.

I have been toying with the idea of getting my nose pierced to celebrate turning 40. hehe

Okay- now I am AGOG- A-GOG I tell you- to know what "I live in the holler hair" is!! Tell! Pretty please??

I was drawn into manicure-pedicure land at age thirty. Does this mean I am pre-maturely mature?

I have an Aunt (pronounced Ain't) Geraldine, too! She doesn't have trailorific hair though - she has blue perma-permed hair (the kind that requires the weird plastic covers for sleeping and going out in the rain), but I imagine back in her day - unnaturally blonde and trailorific was all she had to live for!

I love that you got yourself some fingernails for your birthday!
And the shemullet thing? I see it every day here in the mountains and it still gives me the willies.

I used to be a salon girl. I got my nails done every two weeks for 6 months. Then summer hit and I was doing yard work and let me tell you, mowing the lawn and manicured nails do not go hand in hand. I was so sad when I got rid of them....

Yes, acrylic nails are so fascinating, aren't they? One minute you have the hands of an 11 year old, then suddenly you have Palmolive hands--they are fantastic. Word to the wise: keep up with the fill ins and when you take them off, seriously consider Nailtiques #2 to rebuild your nail beds....

ohmygosh! It IS a 35 thing! I am just the same - loooovvve girly but usually just do lipstick and mascara. Sometimes I'm lucky if I brush my hair. But now I get my nails done. I don't get fills because I try to keep my nails piano/guitar playin' short, but my obsession now is with the manicure/ SPA pedicure. Laurie - LET THEM TOUCH YOUR FEET! I swear, this spa pedicure thing is amazing. They put you in a massage chair, they rub your feet...and in Chicago you can usually find the spa mani/pedi for $35. Fills extra. The end.

can you actually knit with nails? i tried to grow nails for a 25th class reunion and really couldn't do anything. love your site.

Pictures please. You may just be vain, but I am vain and nosy.

priceless!

Still chuckling about the "trailerific"; and who knew there were names for hairstyles like the she-mullet and the Redneck 'fro? Always educational!

I can tell you that the fax machine problem could infact be.. worse. This morning while we were asleep some stupidass drunk fax machine kept dialing my husband's cellphone. We don't have a home phone so we have to keep our cell's on and this freaking fax machine must have called like 5 times in a row.. AND left beeping voice mail!

I am.. SO TIRED.

And jealous of your nails. And want to see them. So I can be more jealous.

had the fake nails once... if I could afford it I would do it again, but yes to the upkeep warnings... I had one split once and it cracked through my nail too... Total ouchies!

I think that will be my reward to myself for graduating with a teaching degree, if I ever do.... getting and upkeeping some fake nails... :)

I was also about 35 when I first got the magic fingernails. And, it is amazing how such a simple thing can uplift the spirit so much! The little addition of fingernails and perfectly painted toes...."I feel pretty, oh so pretty....."

Eyebrows!
No matter how much I let everything else go, I still feel good if my eyebrows are done. And the lady who does mine is an eyebrow genius.

On my 45th birthday I heard the siren song of acrylic nails. Spent the first two or three days tapping the tips on the desk-loved that clickety clack! When we decided to sell the house and go fulltiming I went to nail tech school to get my license to be able to do my own re-balances (fills) as I figured it would be easier than trying to find a quality nail tech in a strange town every couple of weeks. Goodbye thin, floppy, snagging natural nails, hello long, gorgeous, clickety-clack nails.

I love the fake nails. My own nails are in acrylic rehab right now as I took them off for gardening and stuff. Come September they will be right back on! I've had a redneck 'fro for the last four days. There doesn't seem to be enough product in the world to beat the effects of summer humidity.

I've done the nail thing a few times too. At first I had problems doing things. Of course I had to have them looong. I mean why do it otherwise if figured. The worst was when I couldn't get my credit card out of the machine at the gas station!! I really thought I was going to have to get the attendant to pull it out for me. How embarrassing. But the next time I took a clothes pin with me. Voila. But I had fun with them. They were my hobby. I painted fresh polish on them every few days just to change the color. But then I decided I wanted to knit. Which is where I found you, Laurie. I didn't think I could knit with them. And the money I saved I used to buy...
YARN!
But it was fun. Enjoy. A girly girl experience not to be missed.

Honest, after a little while, you can knit, cook, drive, ride a motorcycle, build explosives ... just about anything! with the acrylic nails ... and my husband loved them, because they were thick enough to be great for back rubs and scratches, never causing a cat-like scratch like my thin floppy short ones do.
But SO expensive! And I, too, had a nail-related trauma that took months to recover from ...

LOL at "vain and nosy"! Exactly!!! That would be us'n.

tantalizingly trailerific . . . Floozy 'fro

I heart you! : )

Beware of the charms of the fake fingernails! I fell victim to their charms for about a year - but when I decided I had had enough and wanted to stop shelling out the money for them - it took forever for my nails to be ok again without them. You have to wait for the fake part to totally grow out - or else when you remove the acrylic - the nails underneath are destroyed beyond repair.

They do look awesome though - don't they! I won't ever get them again - but when I did have them - I liked to look at my hands - especially while driving! I'm amazed I didn't have an accident!

-Jody

That's hilarious! Just Saturday, the girl when I went to get a pedicure at the mall talked me into an eyebrow wax. I had decided that I was going more natural with my eyebrows and just doing minimal stray hair grooming. But something about the way she asked, "I do eyebrow wax too?", made me think I really needed one.

Thank GOD I have a job where I can't have pretty nails because I may have to be playing in dirt - I mean testing soils - at any moment.

I think that being from the South and NOT having press-ons to go with your 'fro is rather cosmopolitan of you...

Embrace your nail admiration. I do. Of course, I can only grow them in the summer, when I'm not handling chalk and dry-erase cleaner at school. A teacher down the hall has the most fabulous fakies, and she says she'll have them 'til death do they(them?) part. :^) Ya gotta have something to get you through the days, after all. And the blonde? Oh yes. I'm now magically the same color as my perky, smooth, firm 16yrold self of the late 70's. And I'm turning 42 this week. Yay for hot, blonde, nail-perfect babes.

Check this out, Laurie - I didn't see the piece on Sunday Morning, but apparently, blogging your deepest secrets to the world can get you a job!

http://thisismyquestion.blogspot.com/

So much talk about nails. Nails, schmails. My imagination was captivated by the concept of the SheMullet! If you're going to post a pic, PLEEEEEAASE let it be that so we can all have a little scary in our day!

Me, I've had the She Mullet Perm, and for quite a few years, but not since the 80's.

I'm SO with you. I started at 25 when I was looking for a job so I would look neat and pretty and now I've been sucked in. Must have pretty nails!

BTW, dear - today is the official 7-11 so get your free slurpies while you can.

-suz, who's never had fake nails, but is now intrigued

Love the acrylic/gel nails when they're on - as long as you can afford to maintain them - but MAN are they hard on your nail beds! When I had them, my long but weakened natural nails immediately broke off.

I spent about 6 months growing out all of the damage, and have never worked up the nerve to get acrylic/gel nails again. My recipe for success is threefold: Vaseline Hand & Nail lotion (cheap and good!), a teeeny bottle of Decleor nail oil (pricey but lasts forever), and my trusty NailTek glass nail file. It allows me to file my nails perfectly smooth - preventing snagging & chipping. (I also take a good multivitamin.) My nails are thicker & stronger, and I have to clip them back to keep them from growing to Dragon-Lady length. :)

You go, Laur. The upkeep is pretty pricey, but if you go to a good salon, you can usually go at least three weeks between fills and save money. I suggest Polished at the Empire Center in Burbank.It still costs me $53 a month for fill and pedicure, but it's worth it to feel pretty.

You want strong nails that actually grow???
Take a ZINC VITAMIN supplement!! Great for nails, hair and skin.. A bit of MAGNESIUM doesn't hurt either....
Keeping them out of soapy water is a must.... as if!!!

Thank you for your blog and the time and effort you put into it, Laurie. I LOVE it....

OOH get a pedicure!! I got my first last week, it was hilarious! They shaved the bottoms of my feet for no good reason! Try not to squirm when they do that-- cause it tickles like hell, but make one false move and then your sole (soul?) is sliced off!

Gotta tell you, are are getting several honorable mentions on Yarn Harlot's site. She has asked her readers if they could invite three knitters to dinner, who would they be!

Well you are WAY more talented than I am!
I have the same thin, short nails that just end up splitting and HURTING me if they grow past the nail bed... so I know of whence you speak.
I have tried fake nails, once, many many moons ago. But they made me feel like I was wearing a Freddy glove ala Nightmare on Elm Street. I couldn't pick stuff up... and since they were so THICK the edges of the fingernails wouldn't scratch if you had an itch... so I drove myself nuts trying to scratch itches and ending up bruising myself with my non-scratchy nails.

But -- maybe science has advanced significantly since those days? Maybe I should take another look.
Someday -when I have money- I, too, can have girly hands!

I have the voodoo nails. I love the voodoo nails! I had horrible nails that split and cracked and never looked girley. Now I have had girley nails for about a year. I did the french manicure for a while but have switched to polish, lets just say I have been Project Spectrum-ing my nails lately and they are purple right now. =)

I have been addicted to beautiful nails for YEARS, and I don't care what it costs. I love the French Manicure, though the OPI colour "I'm Not Really A Waitress" (AKA F*** me Red) is my winter color choice.

If you don't pamper yourself, who will?? Now, lets talk about FACIALS. They're divine!

Pictures! We need pictures of the nails~

Oops- forgot to say about the dating:
(Sorry about the monster post- but those of us who have survived dating in LA have a responsibility to help others through the desert.)

I apologize PROFUSELY for the generally horrid job our local mothers have done raising thier sons to be decent dating material.

May I offer up my three most valuable bits of hard-earned dating knowledge for avoiding "Los Angelenos Horrible Mannerus"?:

#1- Beware the "we should hang out sometime" routine! If a man isn't going to get up the nerve to ask you on a proper date- how the hell's he gonna anything ELSE up to do even more vital functions? Just smile and change the subject. If he's dying to spend time with you, he'll find the nerve to ask properly!

#2- I always made my weekend plans by Wednesday at 10 pm. Firm. If the guy of the moment doesn't call by then, he's gotta wait another week, or until lunch on Monday (if he wants to buy me lunch!). This culls out the possibility of being a last minute resort some Friday night when he's realized he's bored and his x-box hasn't got breasts.

(BTW- I always screened my cell calls from Friday at 4:00 to Sunday at 4:00.Why? Because even if it was just me, the cat and some merlot, I was BUSY, dammit!)

#3- To avoid the loathed "So, whaddya wanna do?" after you're in the car, playfully ask "So, what's the dress code?" when you settle on a time for a date. If he sputters, just say real sexy and sweet, "I want to look nice for you- so, what should I wear? Is it a picnic, the movies....what should I wear?"

Maybe it's just me, but I HATE guys who don't properly plan a date--it's like a host that invites you to dinner, but expects YOU to plan the menu!

I know it's kind of bitchy and old-fashioned. But hey, in a town where it seems most of the guys are watching "Entourage" as a dating manual, a girl's gotta have skills to get respect.

Laurie -
Hi.. you are my new best friend... I'm home recovering from back surgery #2 of the last 6 weeks (ugh!) and I've read your blog for, I don't know, hours today. I'm a knitter. I just turned 30 and my best friend gave me a pedi appointment for my birthday. I have no cats, but I do get to claim "auntie" for 3 crazies, and I have a puppy who is pretty much my child. I have a large group of friends, almost all of whom are wonderful single men, (I'm happily married, so I can say that??) and I know not a single decent woman to set them up with. Also, we say "eleventy" all the time! And countless other made-up words. So, what I'm saying, is if you'd like to move to Wisconsin where it is currently like 65 degrees (yay wool sweaters all year round!) - just give me a jingle! Till then I'll be loving your posts and being jealous I can't be nearly as interesting as you (at least in print).

Oh, I totally get Floozy Fro, too. I haven't made the jump to fake nails, though. I'm growing increasinly unhappy with my hands, though, so who knows...

BTW, I LOVE your blog. I usually read it via Bloglines and don't think to click through to your actual page so I can comment, but I am an avid reader.

As a male, I can understand women and their obsession with shoes. Men like shoes, too. But nail-etiquette is strictly a woman's biz. If I can speak for all men -- we do not notice women's nails EVER, no matter what exotic color or shape you make them. Eyes, yes. Breasts, that's obvious. But nails -- that is mostly a way for women to judge each other.

Yes, it is a southern thing. I look at m hands and say "What would Scarlett think". No really, that's what I say.

A southern wommans hands should be beautiful, soft, smooth, and perfectly manicured.

Mine are rough, nails that are bendy (why is that?) and hangnail central.

When my yars of being a slave, whoops, I mean a full time Mom to my 3 kiddo's are over, I will have my southern hands back.

I think we need a support group for all the displaced soutern woman..... what do you think? Shall we start one ;-)

I totally get the nail thing. Mine are also flimsy and break easily. And dang it, maybe I do wear my hear in a clip everday. And SO what if I dont tweeze my eyebrows except once a week so it looks like my eyebrow area is peppered? At least I have these cool hot pink nails. You rock. I love your blog, and your cats are awesome. If you ever come to San Antonio Texas, I promise to take you to eat awesome Mexican food. Have a wonderful Wednesday!!

I just realized that I said "awesome" twice in my last post. I am sorry. I am so 80's.

Aunt Marie lived up the dirt road from us when I was a kid. She was in her 70s, had been a WAC in WWII. She had red permed hair, always wore red lipstick and kept her beautiful long nails red to match. Wow, memories.

i had the exact same reaction to my toes when i got a french pedicure. (except the part where i tapped them on the desk.)i couldn't stop looking at them! pretty!

French pedicures scare me. If your toenails are long enough to have a French pedicure, then they need to be trimmed. Pronto. Before someone accidentally gets eviscerated.

oooohhhhh ~ I love acrylic nails. I feel sexy all over just by wiggling my fingers around. It's a pain to get them filled every 2-3 weeks, but that's the price of lookin' kinda good. lol

Nerdy huh? It's ok we're all 35 year old nerds at heart too ;)