*yes*

not to hog comments, but drama wallet? snort!

Agreed. But at least now you can find someone who will feel that way about you for keeps. Happy Monday, BTW!

Well said - and the cutest cat picture of all the cute cat picture.

I think you should try your hand at designing the drama wallet - I suspect many of us need one!

Ohhh, I think you are so right. And we all have a little carry-on. How's the after-effects of dinner?

I know what you mean, sweetie. Trust me on this: the closer you get to 40 you'll feel much more confident and comfortable in your skin. I was the most neurotic woman with absolutely no self-esteem to speak of. As I get older (and older!) I'm beginning to realize that it's more about how you are on the inside than what's on the outside. In your case, you're someone who's beautiful on the inside and the outside and have taken a huge emotional blow. You will be fine, I promise. I'm so proud of how wonderfully you've handled all the terrible stuff. Your sweetness and sense of humor will get you through whatever life holds.

We all love and admire you and all of us can't be wrong. I'm glad that you had a good weekend.

I stunk of garlic all day yesterday. Today I mademy coworkers sniff me (you know they want combat pay, working with the likes of me!!!) and apparently I am sans garlic smell today ;)

I do agree with you.

And I can't believe you tried the garlic ice cream......this is coming from a garlic LOVER.....that sounds NASTY!

Well, call me a simpering old romantic fool, too, because I don't want to reach that place either, no matter how often I tell myself I am fabulous and worthy and Three Snaps Up In A Z Formation! and all that.

Isn't the garlic ice cream an abomination to the senses? A.BOM.I.NATION.

I can't believe you were able to eat enough of the ice cream to stink of garlic!

Julie -- I think the stinkage came from:
1) the appetizer thing, a million WHOLE garlic cloves simmered in oil or butter or something, you spread them on the rolls
2) the garlic halibut
3) the garlic mashed potatoes
4) one bite of garlic-vanilla ice cream (the thing that made it weird, I think, well... aside from the garlic of course ... was the chocolate sauce on the top. Chocolate should never be polluted with garlic IMHO) heh heh

One way of thinking of it is that, if you do not love yourself, you actually think lowly of yourself. If you give yourself to someone in this state, it's like saying, "I'm giving you this lowly human (me) to show my appreciation or lack thereof." It's also sort of like saying, "Love me anyhow even though I'm not worthy of my own self-respect." Am I making any sense?

Garlic = savory
Ice cream = sweet

A nice general rule of thumb!

I think both are true; you can't seek your self esteem through another, you do have to love yourself, be happy with yourself (mostly), at the least just accept yourself. But is it a bonus when someone else recognizes your greatness? Will it pump you up? Yes! But I think the former has to stay the former....

I figured out how to be good to myself while dating someone (now husband, who managed to stick a machete in his shin this weekend) struggling with the same. It was UGLY. I still don't know how we got married sometimes! Things would've been so much better had I knit back then. :-)

Sachi, that makes perfect sense. This was more a feeling of... if you're perfectly fine and happy with yourself, etc., that's nice, but it so so so nice to have someone see you. To be seen. It's lovely.

I don't think that if you find happiness within yourself that everything will then magically fall into place. You have to work at having a good life, but I defintely don't think having a man is the magic answer either, which is not what you're saying. Unfortunately that seems to be the mentality of a lot of people.

I've never had anyone want me that way so I don't know what it's like. I do know that I don't want anyone to want me right now because I really can't quite figure out how to deal with someone making demands on my time. I'd be like "stop looking at me from across the table because at the end of the night I'm going home alone so I don't wake up with you snoring, asshat". *ahem* Back to work!

Laurie, once again, you knew exactly what to say - great post. I totally agree, and do not think it makes me a simpering romantic fool. Simpering romantic, maybe...Fool no.

I just bought the mug from Cafepress, now I NEED the 'drama wallet' from the baggage set... What a perfectly illustrated analogy. Love it. Love you.

(oh gawd.. here it comes I'm sure.. it wasn't an analogy..you mean: metaphor/simile/general comparison - I apologize for any incorrectness ;)

LOL Brianne.

I'm glad ya'll knew what I meant in this. I do agree you have to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul. (I suspect I got married in order to be "complete" ... I was young. It happens.) But once I settled into being me, whatever that is, I wasn't sure if it meant you had to be without the other part. There's no handbook for it.

heh, seriously, I will have to knit a drama wallet pattern!!!

Oooo. You had the garlic in oil. I love that stuff.

Oh, and I think Liz and Sachi have something there. I have found that the closer I get to 40 (less than two weeks -- woohoo!) the more comfortable I am with myself. It's nice that others appreciate me but that doesn't really matter at the end of the day. At the end of the day it's all about am I happy with myself. It's also probably because I have never married. Instead I have sat by and watched all of my friends get married and have kids. My early 30s were a lonely time. There were times I never wanted to leave my bed. Then I decided that life was passing me by and that I didn't need to sit around waiting for that guy to enjoy life -- regardless of what my mother might think.

You will get there with time.

I guess I have reached a place where I don't need it, and I suppose that's a sad indicator of the state of my life. I miss that I miss that, ya know? But it's been so damn long, I almost don't remember the feeling anymore. I'm okay with it, though. My life is as full as I want it to be. But I'm no role model -- cling to your dreams, girl!

Woot! for datage! Though what possessed you two to go to the SR is beyond me (unless this was not date 1????)

Ok, I'm done being the nosy big sister.

And I love how, in photos of Soba and Roy, she looks like she's protecting him...she's really telling us he's hers - ALL hers, right?

I just got chills reading your post. You are SUCH a romantic and there is not a thing wrong with that. I too miss that touch, that connection, that special way of feeling that you just can't get alone. I think it's natural, or there wouldn't be desire or attraction.

Dagny, I don't know. I don't think there's anyplace I need to be "got" to. I'm fine, I did a lot of work on my insides these past two years. I'm not sitting around feeling empty. Or less. (all the time) (I mean, hello. I'm human. We have our moments.)

I'm just not someone who wants to isolate forever. I like having a meaningful glance, even if it's just one, and just a moment long.

Geez i was almost the first to comment but by the time i read and digested and refreshed there was 17 comments! But I totally agree with what you said Laurie, it is lovely and I want it too...

Simpering Old Romantic Fools UNITE!!! :-)

I also have been termed a "hopeless romantic"....and proud of it. I agree that we can never really truly love another person until we really truly love ourselves, but I don't think that you have to give up your desires to truly be content with yourself. I don't think it's possible to get to the point of having ALL your desires fulfilled (what would be the point of going on then?) There will always be something to look forward to. There is a difference between being content with yourself, but still desiring/needing to share your life with someone who looks at you THAT WAY, and being so discontent that you desperately NEED (at whatever cost) someone to look at you that way (even if it is not the right person). Hmmm....that made much more sense in my head......

I think the only thing I would disagree with in your post is your use of the word "need". I love that feeling, I want to have it in my life on a regular basis, but I don't "need" it, nor do I ever want to "need" it. If I think I "need" it, I give way too much power to the person who can give it to me, or withhold it.

That said, I love that feeling and hope I never go without it too terribly long.

Romance without truly caring for someone is fleeting. It's intoxicating but short lived. It's how people are during the bad times that's the real test.

I've been married for 17 years and it's hard. It truly is something that you have to work hard at every single day. Romance for women and romance for men are two completely different things after a while. Doing the laundry for me when I don't feel well doesn't sound romantic but that's how he shows me that he loves me. It took me many years to understand that (sorry, honey!).

Jann, you must be a romantic softie like me LOL ;)

I do wonder if it's all just the difference in the way we're built, hard-wired. I've read a lot of what you've written, Dagny, (me = blogstalker!) and I love your sense of joi de vivre, the way you are inside your life, inhabiting it in your own way, fiercely independent. But I'm just different (independent, yes. romantic weirdo? yes.)

I don't want to get married again, or any of that, but I do think I'm one of those humans with a mushy node on the DNA. ;)

Why am I not surprised by the hidiousness of garlic ice cream? I just could not see any way they were going to make that turn out well!

I love the cat pic.

And I think you should consider applying for a big, fat government grant to study the mushy node DNA theory. They've funded worse!

holy fast commenters....when i finished reading there were 10 - by the time i finished my comment there are now 29!!!!

Liz, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your husband, and I adore your perspective. I thought that would be my life, too, but in the end this life isn't bad at all ;) I'm finally seeing that. I like what's going on in my life, and it's so happy and exciting to be doing all the things I should have been doing at 26, 28, 31, but able to enjoy them with a little more leisure than I would have if I were younger.

I think it's all an individual thing. Although, yeah. Having someone do the laundry? Totally a universally loved thing!!!!

Nothing quite like have someone tell you that you are beautiful is there? Wonderful feeling. You can be self-confident and still get a great boost from a compliment. If you never receive a compliment you need to find some new people to hang out with.

The thing is, once you love yourself, all that other crap doesn't matter. It might happen and it might not but who cares? You love yourself! (oh jeez, am I sounding like a self-help lemming here? eek). Men will always, always fart, though. No matter how otherwise perfect your world is.

And, ahem. Garlic. Roasted with maybe a bit of drizzled butter. In chocolate fondue. You know it will be amazing. Double dare you.

I've had garlic ice cream... at the garlic festival in Gilroy (you know, up thattaway, near san jose). It tasted like garlic. And ice cream. The flavors weren't melded together as much as I would like.

I can't say that if you love yourself, all your dreams come true, and prince charming rides up on his white horse, and no one ever farts again, but it makes it much more tolerable to be around yourself when you love yourself. :)

One must make certain that the someone making their toes feel sex-ay is not someone else's husband. Then you regress back to hating yourself and possibly add the burden of hating everyone around you as well.

*ahem* not that I would know anything about this.

ok, I'm backing off this one now. I didn't mean to imply there is no self love going on LOL. Maybe I am indeed a brother (sister?) from another planet. Planet Old Softie. ;)

Ya'll have a good monday!

A person can get really, really tired of inspirational pep talks, can't she? Not that inspiration is a bad thing. Yes, of course you have to love yourself. But shit still happens. I like the Buddhist proverb:

Before enlightenment: chopping wood, carrying water.
After enlightenment: chopping wood, carrying water.

And, yeah, it's really nice to have someone to share the chores and reflect your glory. And no, you should not feel guilty about 1) wanting such a someone 2) not feeling like Mary Sunshine every single possible minute 3) not always being able to put a brave face on it.

Onward...

I married young too, Laurie. I never dated much or partied or any of the things single people in their 20's and 30's do. I know I missed out on a lot. I'm glad that you're enjoying some girlfriend time and freedom. I had my son a year after I got married. You have a perspective on both sides that I just don't have. I don't know if I ever will.

The grass is always greener, right?

I guess I have reached a place where I don't need it, and I suppose that's a sad indicator of the state of my life. I miss that I miss that, ya know? But it's been so damn long, I almost don't remember the feeling anymore. I'm okay with it, though. My life is as full as I want it to be. But I'm no role model -- cling to your dreams, girl!

I think all of those things are lovely and I hope you find that again soon! Of course I love you just the way you are but I know that is not the same.

Hideous garlic ice cream is reassuring. Garlic ice cream and romance don't go hand-in-hand anyway *smile*

Whups. That anonymous at 11:18 AM up there is me :P

Deep inside, it's not like we always need some kind of validation (thank God!), but it sure feels good. Plus, love makes much more sense when you have somebody to love you back.

Very intereting post, specially considering today we celebrate the equivalent to Valentine's Day here in Brazil (don't ask me why it's not done in February).

Have a great day!

It makes you sooo human
Never lose that.
And never give up

Well spoken, Laurie! I agree completely: sure I'd survive without it, but I want love in my life. It is so fine to be in love. I also want a drama wallet, and a world where nobody farts. :)

if you want NO farting, DO NOT let him eat a lot of garlic again....

I think that the point of loving yourself *first* is so that you can learn to accept yourself with all the wonderful parts *and* all the flaws, and when that's the case, you can go out there in search of a partner who you can love and accept for all of his wonderful parts *And* flaws (and he'll do the same back)... and then you've got a truly wonderful relationship in which neither person is trying to change the other person, and when he does look up from across the table as you reach for your wine, you'll know he's absolutely in love with every part of you, and you can relax and enjoy your life with him with every knowledge that love is truly bliss when you love yourself and your partner. (and viceversa)

I know that feeling, The look I have to work on, when I give it to the wife she wants to know if I have gas. But since I will be away for a year. I hope we can look at each other anew when I get back to the States.

Laurie,

I'm 26 and even at my age am going through some of the same things you are. The funny thing about the concept you mention at the beginning of your entry is that a lot of people work on themselves and being independent not in order to be comfortable being alone but to prepare themselves for a relationship! I think the difference is between wanting to be with someone and NEEDING it, feeling like a failure if you don't. I'm a total romantic, too, and from my limited experience have found that there are things you get from a significant other that you simply can't give yourself, which is fine! That's why relationships exist, not because we're all useless without them but to give us that something extra.

Naturally, the thing they don't tell you is that knowing and respecting yourself will help you to avoid inappropriate relationships, but doesn't get you anywhere closer to finding one that works! I think that takes some good old fashioned legwork, so to speak, unless you're one of those people that has hundreds of friends and a ready-made social network.

I think Roy and Soba have it ALL figured out!!!! : )

LOL Laurie. You should have known me in my 20s. Nowadays I tell people my definition of a cynic -- a hopeless romantic who has been burned one time too many. That's the thing that people sometimes forget about us crabby folks. Underneath the tough exterior, we're pretty soft. I have just built the shell extra strong because I got tired of feeling the pain since I had a tendency to walk around with my heart on my sleeve. So deep down inside is still the little girl who believes in fairytales and all. I just find it's easier to get through normal life not thinking about the fairytales because then I will start obsessing. What? An obsessive Cancer? I know it's kind of strange, huh? Instead I just try to live for the moment and find joy in whatever happens.

If my emotional baggage was 32 piece matching Louis Vitton set, I sooo would NOT give it up. Who needs a man when you've got Louis to love?

Oh, and I spent most of my childhood trying to get other people's approval and rarely received it. That's probably why it's not so important to me now.

Crushing about the garlic ice cream.

But you're so right about everything else.

Here's how I describe it. You know those women who say "I love my life so much that even if I met Mr. Perfect, I am not sure I would want to live with him, because it would mean giving up what I have." I am not one of those women, and I never ever will be. Of course, I have two kids and three dogs, so my life will never be my own (hee hee). But that said, I also don't feel like my life is bad without having a man to love and to love me...I just think it would be that much better with Mr. Maybe Not So Perfect, but Really the Right Guy for Me in it.

Laurie,
Love the post. I totally agree with you about the need for someone to think you're pretty, sexy, etc. I spent most of my life trying to become happy with myself and my appearance and trying to convince myself that I was "not too shabby." After losing 100 lbs and liking what I saw in the mirror, I was still missing that something you are talking about. I went about 50lbs the other way on the scale --had a baby, people! -- and was not nearly as happy with my appearance. But, even though I have less inner happiness regarding my appearnce and so forth, my second husband makes me feel "complete." He tells me daily I look nice and makes me feel wanted just by the way he looks at me. So, yeah, there IS a difference.
I'll bet, though, that if you pay attention, you'll catch men admiring you. On the bus, sidewalk, elevator, in a club..... You are so pretty that it is bound to happen. The trick is to be happy enough with yourself to be able to recognize that they are looking at you in a good way.

I heart you Dagny :)

OMG Leah, you win the philosopher award today, this was like a lightbulb:

"a lot of people work on themselves and being independent not in order to be comfortable being alone but to prepare themselves for a relationship!"

I had never thought of it that way! But... true!

And I just want to clarify. Because apparently I was still in a garlic and good-date-infused haze when I wrote this. heh heh. I'm not in need of a relationship. I'm good. I don't need someone else to like me so I feel all complete as a person etc etc. What I do need (yes, NEED) from time to time is affection. Ya'll! Just that simple thing. Affection. When someone puts a hand at the small of your back to lead you to the table, kisses you on the cheek as you wait for the valet, moves your hair aside so he can kiss your neck. IT IS NICE. And I do need it. From time to time ;)

I completely agree with you, Laurie. After all, part of the good of having a shining, wonderful self is being able to share it and show it off with another... preferably male... human who is also shiny and wonderful. Since shiny males are sometimes elusive, it's nice to have shiny females whith whom you can discuss your mutual shininess and the serious proliferation of less-than-shiny males.

oh and apparently I really do not shut up, LOL

Ang, I wanted to say I posted that before I read your comment, and the thing about being complete was not at all a comment to you! promise!

I love when I hear people talk about the completeness their spouse brings to their life... my parents are like that. I am thrilled that they complete each others' lives, it makes me happy to know how much they love each other and need each other.

They on the other hand will be sorely disappointed to hear I'm in need of 'good kissing' and, uh, so on, for my personal completion. hehehehehe

That is so absolutely true. Good to know about the ice cream. I have to admit that I'm a bit disappointed that the it wasn't good though. A garlic lover can always hope, you know?

I used to have a boy on-call who suited just that purpose. Now I have been looking for another one to replace him, if that is even possible. Because besides the affection stuff? Well, he was handy around the house too. Because sometimes you need someone to hold your hand and sometimes you need someone to show you how to open the flue on the fireplace so you don't burn down the house.

You just need to find someone who will feel about you the way Soba feels about Roy... ;)

You make perfect sense to me. We need validation and reflection. I hope you find it someday. It is a most delicious feeling.

In todays world its hard to live past the age of 16 without having at least a little baggage.

So I figure a little baggage is okay. As long as you know what you got packed in it!

I'm so glad you put this out there, and in this way - so honest!

When people tell you to love yourself first, they never follow it up with the 12 step no fail program to actually DOING that. Even Oprah talks about "Making the Connection" and it's emotional ties to weight loss. But if loving myself is the key to shedding unnecessary pounds and I can't even get the self-love step right, is all hope lost????

I'm just sayin

Oh, and also - there is NOTHING wrong with wanting...dare we say it....adoration from another person. In most cases, if you want it, you're also willing to give it...and that's just makes for good luvin all around.

A mushy node on the DNA. Yes. That's perfect. I have one too!

And I need a drama wallet. but um, could it maybe not be hairy?

We really do get sold a bill of goods with that whole Prince Charming thing. Of course, back in Jane Austen's time, the only respectable occupation for a woman of the upper classes was "wife." Women who weren't in the laboring class couldn't even earn their way through life and depended on first their fathers, then either their husbands or, if they couldn't manage to procure a husband, then a kindly brother to support them. Hence the feeling of "Whew! I'm married!" (and her brothers say, "Whew! What a relief!") that still seems to be a holdover in our times.

In my family it was always assumed we'd all go to college, but my mother often explained that I should go because a girl should have a career "just in case." In case of... what? In case she either didn't manage to get married, or she was widowed, or, if really unlucky, divorced. Otherwise, hubby was there to protect and support her. When my mother agreed to go back to work so the family could afford to buy a large piece of property, she was quite resentful -- and still is these many years later. That wasn't how it was "supposed" to work.

I agree with you.
I mean, a rose can be lovely whether or not there is someone intimately present to admire it's beauty...but it makes the rose more special to have that beauty noted.
As for emotional issues, "having it all togther and you are enough in and of yourself..blah blah yackity schmackity"-- Hey, it IS good to get all those emotional back-issues filed and off the floor of your emotional mind.
Firstly because it makes the place more comfortable for YOU to live in, and secondly, because it makes it easier to have overnight (or long-term) emotional "guests" because THEY are less likely to slip and fall on those issues when they're padding around in the dark (because, hey, really, who ISN'T at least a little bit in the dark when it comes to a lover's emotions?).
Laurie, you are wonderful, lovely and funny, and the way you appreciate life and people comes spilling out over the internet. It's what makes your blog the first thing a lot of us check in the morning, and what draws people to you like butterflies to a field of flowers in real life.
And when you love life that much, not having someone special to share it with is like walking through a garden of wonders and having no-one with which to share the wonder and joy.
It's not a sign of neediness or lack of self- it means you love life so much that you want to share it.

No, you don't need that kind of thing to live, or even to be happy - but boyohboy does that glow make living feel good!

Yep - I was raised to be independent and I don't feel like I'm a failure because I'm divorced -- but the whole adoration thing is kind of addicting, and you miss it when it's not there. (And I love the picture of Soba and Bob -- even a fiercely independent kitty like Soba can use a little adoration!)

Oh, heck -- is that Bob or Roy? Either way....

Laurie, you are so right.

three words and two letters: gilroy. garlic. festival. p.u.

Wait...give up my LV baggage set? I cain't!

i want wheels on my emotional baggage or it will be too heavy to carry-on

Here you are sharing your feelings in such an honest and beautiful way and all I can think about is -- she had garlic mashed potatoes! That's what I want for dinner tonight! Is that sad? I think I've given up on relating to humans. Just food and cats. sigh.

We could be all phsychologically healthy and accept our lot. We could be self contained and independent. But then we wouldn't be human, and we sure wouldn't be women if we didn't need a little flirt now and then. And, dammit, I will take a little flirt where I can get it! Of course other's opinion of me does not define me, but hey, that scary guy in a scary pick up truck hooted at me. I'm hot... if in a scary way. LOL.

garlic icecream?? now I love garlic - but that's probably a stretch.

Laurie:
I guess you marry Prince Charming and finally buy a house and a riding mower and nobody farts.

I'm sorry, but as Prince Charming, I feel it is my responsibility to state that I, and my many doubles (security++), refuse to live in a world where nobody farts. Why live in a world that knows no happiness, no relief and no laughter?

:)

Having been married and divorced, twice, and being 47, you do start feeling better about yourself just in general. I am very overweight, but other than that, I am very very happy. happier than I ever was with either husband. Now if someone gives me 'the look' it scares the crap out of me, because I choose poorly. I am not saying I never want to be in another relationship, but if I am, it will be very different from my past ones, and I will not settle for less. Because, if I am not ever again in a serious relationship, I am ok with that.

And, dear god, the very idea of taking my clothes off in front of someone right now is the scariest thing I can imagine!!!!

Wow, delurking to say what a great post, and awesome comments. As Mimi said in RENT: "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."

I think we all want to feel like others think we are worth looking at/being with/talking to, and that doesn't make one needy or hopeless or whatever other negative tag seems to stick.

The self-image thing? I'm working really hard on it now... I've lost 35 pounds, my career is starting to take off, I'm working on dressing fashionably and I'm TERRIFIED that people are looking at me. I feel more conspicuous now, more social pressure... anyway, can I get one of those drama wallets? I love that idea: you keep it tucked away, and only pull it out when you need it.

I don't like myself. I have no friends and certainly no specail someone. I feel alone and unlovable. I have no idea how less than gorgeous women are supposed to feel good about themselves in this society.

*special

Girl,

Garlic Ice-Cream? That name would have made me steer clear.

And I know what you mean about feeling sexy and stuff. We all need that every now and again.

I guess you marry Prince Charming and finally buy a house and a riding mower and nobody farts.

No ... you marry his butler, rent with an option to buy, and giggle about the farts.

S, gorgeous is a relative term. When I was getting my hair done this weekend, all the women in the shop had a long conversation on that topic. The woman who did my hair is from Senegal. She wears a size 4 and wants to gain weight. Why? Because where she's from being small is considered unattractive.

I say that it's all about being comfortable with who you are and knowing that there will always be someone who will appreciate you for being you. If they don't, then they're not worth your time.

It's also about getting to the point of wanting the attention but not needing it. That's the hard part. I think that girls are raised to look to others for approval and then to think that if they don't get it, it's their fault.

Ha. Soba's just an old softy really. Knew it all along.

Can I recommend a reading (or re-reading) of The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint Exupery? It's a short and deceptively simple book and I think you will find it in the children's section, but I have never thought it was only (or even primarily) for children.

The flower, the fox, the Prince -- all are complete in themselves, but their relationships create something new that can only exist between people, not on its own. That's my interpretation, anyway.

Just delurking to join the guys in saying: nobody farts? why not? Farting, with the right person and in the right circumstances, is hilarious.

But then, I do have the sense of humor of an 8-year-old boy (approximately). Thus my son and I should have a lot in common as he gets older.

:-)

I'm with Waitandsee. Baggage that goes with mine. I actually found that. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have found the roll-behind that goes with my carry-on. We didn't leave the baggage at the door. We sort of threw it in the closet together. It's under my stash...

I really miss the physical affection, and there are moments I hang onto from past relationships of having been seen in the way you describe. But I was always in that tenuous position of not knowing whether to relax into it or stay on my guard, and ultimately none of the guys were sufficiently trustworthy for me to accept that look. The most worthwhile thing I got from them was a lot of self-knowledge... and a means of identifying what I don't want.

I completely understand where you're coming from, and I do wonder if it'd be possible to not need to see at least bits of goodness in yourself through others' eyes.

What I can say is this:

Until I met my husband, I had always been surrounded by people who told me I was beautiful (that's not to say that I'm exceptional in that way at all, but love can be blind and partial toward seeing beauty where it may not even be). Those around me were just expressive that way. As a result, I came to need that affirmation. My husband is not at all expressive, and I don't remember when he last said I looked nice. It took me a while to adjust, but I have somehow found value in myself without needing to be told what's great about me (though I do occasional need some reassurance from him - maybe it's the pregnancy hormones these days??).

So, though it may not be entirely possible to eliminate the need for exterior validation of ourselves, maybe over time, we can find what is sexy, funny, smart, etc. and not rely completely on others.

I'm with you start to finish on this post my dear. Don't lose the faith, sister, I'm trying not to :)

S,

You wrote:
"I don't like myself. I have no friends and certainly no specail someone. I feel alone and unlovable. I have no idea how less than gorgeous women are supposed to feel good about themselves in this society."

I suppose you'll never feel good about yourself if you don't like yourself, at least on some level.
It breaks my heart to read someone say that they feel alone and unloveable - because while many of us are alone (including some with partners) noone is unloveable... I mean, even Hitler had a wife!

I believe a lot of it is to do with state of mind. If you feel these negative feelings, then you are projecting them outwards as well subconciously (at least).
This is the catch 22, it is so much easier to say this than to believe it or act upon it.

You might be based 800km in the middle of nowhere with a husky and a laptop for company - in which case, you are likely to feel alone until you move. BUT, if you are in a town or city scenario (read: in a populated society) and you feel lonely, then you can't wait for people/things to come to you - you have to make them!
So invite a colleague out for a drink after work and have some conversation etc... be proactive and try to be as social as a balanced lifestyle will allow. It's the only way to beat feeling lonely, and (so long as you're not looking for it everytime you turn your head) it's likely you'll find someone who will make you feel loveable, whether that's for an hour or a lifetime.

Chin up champ! Good luck!

I don't know about any of it, wish I had it figured out. All I DO know is that everybody farts.

Besides, if we didn't fart we'd explode.

I met my boyfriend when I was recovering from a major depressive episode that nearly hospitalised me. I had, you might say, an Ivana Trump luggage set of Stuff (TM), or possibly a J-Lo Entourage. He loves me anyway. I've found what helps is that even if I'm thinking 'I'm such a loser, why don't I just curl up and die', I try to either write it down or not say it out loud ALL THE TIME - thanks, brain! And fart quietly. Hugs!

Here-here I totally agree. Being good on one' own is great but feeling the admiration of another human being (preferably a big hunk of a man) is absolutely divine.

Alas I am still searching myself. Keep the faith girl.