Enjoy your not-sleeping. It is your right, and the price you pay for being an intelligent, perceptive, decent, damned fine person.
Laurie, love, you didn't draw in lonely. Lonely lurks every where, in every home, in every corner, and it strikes at the slightest opportunity. You didn't draw in lonely--it was already there, and you were dealt a shitty, shitty hand, and so lonely came to roost. It settles in, and every now and then we kick it out. When you are ready--and not a moment before, kick it out. Until then, just do your sleepless thing. Rejoice in life and Laurie.
I emailed you tonight, just before you posted. Check your email if you are bored!

I just can't say it nearly as well as Mel did, so I'll just say that I agree. And next time you feel lonely, watching that spider build that web, remember that I'm also sitting here, with the Not Sleeping, feeling that same lament. As are many, many others, unfortunately. You're a sweetie, and he's missing out.

I know exactly the feeling you mean. Several years ago I moved to Hawaii with my then-boyfriend. I thought everything was lovely and we were starting a new life in an exotic locale.

Soon after a trip back to CA to visit family, I realized that I wasn't happy. I'd been in Hawaii about 6 months, and I didn't feel "right" and I decided to move back to CA. The day before I left, we went to the top of the volcano and he said to me "When I propose to you, it will be from up here".
I came back... went to work... and although I was talking to him everyday... I met someone else. I fell in love. The phone calls to Hawaii became less and less frequent. But he would call and say "I miss you" often.
One day I met a mutual friend of mine & the ex's. I found out that the entire time I'd been in Hawaii, he'd had a CA girlfriend who thought she was moving out.
While I was here in CA visiting family, he'd hidden all my belongins and she'd visited her soon -to-be new home.
She'd been slated to move to Hawaii and join him in Oct. I'd left him in September... and he'd had her convinced that I was never there. To this day, she believes this.
But -- i was in love. I was so enraptured with my new man (now my husband). I didn't want the ex back... but I was SO hurt. SO disillusioned. So completely flumoxed by how he could carry on such a charade.
I still AM hurt by this. Every time I think about it I feel heartache.
But -- I am SO much happier now. I would never change my life... but that doesn't stop the actions of the past from affecting me.

So... I just wanted you to know. I understand. Feeling hurt by what he did doesn't mean you want him back. It doesn't mean anything other than that you were hurt by someone you cared about and who was supposed to care about you, too.

You're doing great. :-)

It took me 5 years to get over my ex, and we had been together as high school sweethearts for another 5 years. You still have a ways to go to get beyond it. Right now, you're sleepless, trying to figure out all the questions which don't have answers, at least not rational ones anyway. I used to drive around late at night wondering about what he was doing and why, and about the choices we made...he made. I ate me up inside that we broke up and he was moving out with some other person he just barely met. I can't say what woke me up from that fog, or what'll truly awaken you, but a day will come when you'll be able to feel as though you are beyond it, and you will be. For now, your solace is knowing that you are not lying in bed next to someone who doesn't want to be next to you. That could be more hurtful.

Laurie,
I love your blog. You're a mighty amusing and a genuine writer. So please, keep it coming. Don't give up. The best way to fight bad dreams or insomnias and ex-husbands is new love(IT DOES HAPPEN!). So cheer up!!!And pardon my grammar. I am from Poland. my English sucks sometimes, especially this late...(this was my first comment!I am proud of myself;)

I'm with you Pearl, I prefer the Lonely to the alternative. There is an austere "rightness" to it, that keeps me company on sleepless nights. Cold comfort, but comfort nevertheless.

anonymous is me, magda (sorry for that)

'cold comfort' ... I truly do get that concept.

Thank you all for sharing, not judging, and from poland, too!

No sleep in sight tonight.

Of course we don't judge you, Laurie; just hate to see that hurt and know that there is so little anyone can do. Just know that there are those of us further down that ladder towards "moving past it". We're all climbing the same direction.

Are there really any good ones out there, or just ones that are better at hiding the bad? It seems to be every mans dream to have more than one woman at a time.

I thought I had one of the good ones, but he just hid the bad for a long time and I was fooled into a comfortable complacency.

My heart is with you sister friend - there seems to be a lot of us tonight sharing the insomnia thing!!

Three years later, I'm still trying to get over the hurt and the heartache caused by a guy who promised too much and gave too little. Sometimes I think I'm doing fine and I hardly think of him at all. Sometimes I'm so lonely that I almost wish I could have him back, even with all the crap that he pulled. I don't think there's much of a magic cure out there, but Ambien sure comes close sometimes.

Hey Laurie woman,

Sorry about the insomnia. If it weren't that it made us grumpy and tired and all thinky and shit it would be great, huh, because we could knit and whip up yummy recipes and read late into the night. I agree with Anne about the Ambien. I don't use it now (hello Vicodin for my pain) but once when I was travelling a lot it was a life saver. Ask.

Isn't it still early there???

I have insomnia in NY and it is only 1:30 in the morning...

I always feel like I take steps back about things like that at night. Its hard having nothing to do and no one to talk to-- but hey, at least there is knitting.

...And the grocery store, and lots of blogs to check out. And I strongly recommend bendryl if you really really want to sleep.

And besides the tension, there's the heat to add to the insomnia. Heat can supress melatonin production, and melatonin is the hormone that controls your sleep cycle (and reproductive cycles in many mammals). When the heat wave passes, you may get relief, but until then, a little aid from the Ambien might help, or there's over-the-counter melatonin, but use that with the same caution you'd use for any sleep aid because it is a hormone after all. Als, different people can react differently to it.

And if all else fails, shoving pins in a voodoo doll brings some measure of satisfaction at least.

There are lots of different species of sleepless nights. And lots of breeds of lonely. I think the heat amplifies it. They say, statistically, violent crimes are more prevalent when it's hot. I think it's because our bodies can't get comfortable and relax so our minds don't find any rest either.

Somestimes I wonder: What is worse?... That dull, seeping, reaching loneliness when he is gone and you are literally by yourself or that aching, hollow, burning loneliness of having him next to you and yet still being alone? When he is beside you but you know in your heart that he isn't really with you. Do you know?

This is what keeps me up. Restless. Sleepless. Searching

You aren't alone, Laurie, just more articulate that most of the insomniac crowd.

I like you musings of "What is it about me?" That is a question I'm struggling with right now. I have FINALLY realized that only by figuring out myself, can I make reasonable decisions and move on. His stuff is his and you can't change that. Also, remember that there is no time limit. Take as long as you need to settle yourself and don't let anyone pressure you into "getting over it".

Also, I am a total cat person and I dig your four fiends. I have 2 and wish for more.

Laurie, it is OK if you never get over it.

And OH YEAH- Mr. Ex was a complete idiot to leave a funny smart girl like you. Ass.

I'm usually a lurker, but your insomnia made me think. I was an insomniac quite recently, but it's over for now, so I know where you're coming from on the sleepless side of thing. I just wanted to say that I read you every day and I think you're funny, smart, thoughful, introspective and there's too bad there's not more of you in the world. And it sucks that someone would hurt such a wonderful person so much...because even though I don't know you, I can see by your words and the comments people leave you that you are a very wonderful person. May the blessing of sleep find you soon.

Hi Laurie
Been there, done that, and the insomnia thing is a PAIN. What makes things worse is that it is so much easier to live a normal life and put up with the CRAP and not let these thoughts pop into your head and bother you when you've had a good night's sleep. Heck, I've been divorced for 6 years now, Ex has been dead for 19 months and sometimes it STILL bugs me that I was living like a nun (OK - maybe with a bit more wine and outings and knitting but you KNOW the bit of being a nun I mean), looking after the kids, being a full time mom while he got to play dad every second weekend and be single the rest of the time, screwing anything in a skirt or preferably out of it.

If it makes you feel nany better - One night when I was actually sleeping I was woken up by a hungry baby closely followed by a (then) 10YO who vomited all over the floor. My mom, who was living with me at the time, woke up too and come through to feed DD while I sorted out DS and got him back to bed. Once both kids were safely asleep and I was awake I phoned the EX. Conversation went something like this:
Ex : Hello
Me : Were you asleep? Did I wake you?
Ex : Yes
Me : Were you having a good rest?
Ex : Yes
Me : Well, I'm glad one of us is!

Then I hung up. Not something I'm suggesting you do but it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Hope the insomnia clears up soon. I suggest a cool bath before bedtime, a fan in your bedroom (put a bowl of iced water in front of it and you'll get chilled air), and getting over it in YOUR time.

I think that maybe partially you're trying to understand him, get inside his brain and figure out, how could a person do this heinous, cruel thing? How could somebody just casually toss aside a marriage and then instantaneously jump into another one? What makes him so shallow and unfeeling -- how is that even possible when the normal person grieves and hurts and screams and can't get over it.

At least, that's what I'd be doing. Trying to figure out how in the heck a guy like that can *live with himself* and *not feel amazingly and totally guilty.*

Girl, do I ever understand insomnia. Ambien is my friend, my dear sweet friend.

This may make you feel better: knowing that your insomnia probably isn't as bad as it could be. Two weeks ago, on a Thursday night, I COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP AT ALL. ALL NIGHT LONG I was awake, until finally I drove to Wallgreens at 5:30 a.m. to refill my ambien. Then I came home, popped a pill and slept all day.

That was a really bad night.

Wow. There's not much in the comforting line I can say, everyone else has said it really. But if it is any small comfort even, your writing is *incredible*.

If the past was easy to discard, it wouldn't be worth anything. What does "over him" mean, anyways? If it means you never hurt again when you think of him, I wonder if that ever happens. There are old, unworthy heartbreaks that I have grown past long ago, which can still hurt me at times. If I shut them out completely, though, I would stop learning from them. I have a good and beautiful marriage which benefits from experiences I had before I met him, including the heartbreaks, the mistakes and the sordid adventures.

I'm sorry you're not sleeping again, and that you've got this ugly new aspect of your divorce to deal with. I'm sorry that you are suffering from having loved a faithless man.

I am inclined to say "I hope the future will be beautiful for you", but I don't doubt it enough to need to hope. Having read along as you've lived through this last year, though, I am filled with admiration for your strength, beauty and character. So it's more like, I look forward to reading along as your beautiful future unfolds. It's a cheesy way to say it, unfortunately. :)

I don't know if I can identify with the insomnia (but, here I am up and reading blogs at midnight, tired as all hell but not going to bed) but I can identify with the loneliness wondering. I have been away from my ex for five years. I DO NOT LIKE HIM, even a little bit. I have to keep in contact with him because of my son, which sucks, but because of that it seems like I have to deal with our relationship all the time. You know what? People don't change. All the things I didn't like about him when we were married, are still there and I still don't like about him now. I never question my decision to leave him, and am happy that I had the courage to make myself a single mom. There is literally almost nothing I like about him (he's a relatively good dad, so I will give him that), and yet I still mourn our marriage. Not a lot now, five years out, but I still do. I wish that it could have worked. I wish that we could be a complete family. Sometimes I wish that so hard it hurts. So, in all this rambling nonsense (there is wine involved), I mean to say that while you and I and lots of others do not regret our lives the way they are now, we still have to mourn the lives we thought we had forever.

I can't relate to insomnia, since I fall asleep within 10 seconds of hitting the pillow, but I can relate to the other stuff. I can tell you that it does get better. Much.

My ex-husband left me abruptly when we had three small children at home (a 4 year old and 2 1/2 year old twins!) Left me for another woman (10 years younger!) and it was awful. Making a LONG story short, he remarried, I forced myself to date and met someone else...someone really nice and right for me. I now have a marriage the way it is supposed to be and my ex? Well, he just got left by the younger woman. He is now on his third divorce. I swear, it really does get better!

I'm just mean enough to wonder if your little delay in signing the divorce papers messed up his plans a bit. This X of yours offends ME, and I was never attached to him. You're not supposed to forget about skunks like X.

As for "drawing in lonely", don't be silly. Look at all of us reading your blog. What about your multi-friend trip to Paris? Your seemingly excellent gatherings with abundant food and drink? The four cats that keep you hopping? You notice the people around you, and know their names and foibles. You may feel lonely, but you do not attract it. X may have dented your self-image, but the truth is clear. Sleep secure, doll.

I don' know what else to say or do except: *Hugs*

Sorry to hear you're down. I hope you soon feel better.

God dammit!!! The muther fhuker is not worthy of even a THOUGT from you!!!!!!!! HE is the one that carried on (had a relationship you knew thing about!) with ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!!! YOU are wonderful, YOU are loving, YOU are WORTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do NOT let that cum sucking muther fucker make you feel like YOU are less because of HIS FAILINGS!!!!!

I've been there. HE is NOT WORTHY OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bitch (new wife) will find out in her own time, 'they never change'...karma! God! Angels!, whatever your 'drink'....what comes round goes round!

Although. I gotta say, I'm here (SFV), I'd LOVE to phuck him up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUESS say the word!

P.S Nothing illegal...or at least...nothing "he" can prove!!!!

Laurie, I'm sorry you're not sleeping:-( I know it is easy to say and harder to put in to practice but you have to try and remember that YOU are not at fault. They are his failings and as such he will be judged on them not you. Remember that you are a good person and try not to be dragged down by his complete failure as a human being:-)

Laurie, there is nothing wrong with you. X lied to you. He made a big, important promise to you, the kind that is so special you make it in front of others; then he broke it. Feeling sad and hurt about that is normal. You cannot be expected to bounce straight back from such a blow to your sense of self.

Remember, you are a smart, funny, decent lady; the loneliness won't last.

Fall down seven times, get up eight.

Laurie - I don't comment usually as I read through Bloglines. You are a fantastic writer and I wanted to say 'thank you' for writing what you do. Everything is real. I am always impressed with your posts. Oh, and the knitting - that's impressive too.

OMG, I am loving Samantha right now! Glad she is on your side.

Ditto on what everyone else said better than I can.

I don't think you draw in lonely, I think it creeps up on you from behind and grabs you when you are a bit vulnerable.

HUGS!

It took me a long time to realize that it's okay to still feel the hurt sometimes, even though you're "over it". Someone you once loved enough to marry hurt you terribly. It's pretty logical that it'll ache once in a while, like the elbow I dislocated 15 years ago does sometimes when it's going to rain. I don't hate my ex anymore, have moved on, am happier than I ever was with him, blah blah blah. But I find sometimes (PMS usually) I'll start thinking about how he treated me, and I'll feel angry and sad again. Then I think about what a loser he is, (he really is a loser) and I pity him a little. Then I usually feel better.
My ex is what my dad calls an "arse-pick," and so is yours.
And you know in your head that it was him, not you...it just takes your heart a bit longer to realize it.

I've been married and lonely and I've been single and lonely. I'll take single and lonely any day of the week. There is nothing worse to me than to be trapped in a loveless marriage, to feel that loneliness and have to lie next to him in the same bed. Take care.

The anger sneaks up on you sometimes and can be surprising. It is good when it comes up, though, because that means it is working its way out of you. Breath in the air, breath out the anger. Let it slip away. And remember, you are not alone. We are all here with you.

Exactly. It's the difference between you and him. Women don't seem to have that "shut off valve" for feelins that men have, and they can't seem to understand that... but we're better off because we do.

Amen to you sister.. you're in my heart.

Bloody men! Hope you're sleeping right now... have you tried lavender oil on your pillow? It doesn't always help, but it does smell nice.

The world wouldn't be worthwhile if people like you didn't stop to think, and ponder, and feel.

~x~

I was sleeping when you wrote this (heh, sounds like that prince song), so everyone has said everything that I wanted to comment. Especially "it's ok if you never get over it." You are the winner no matter how you slice it. He is the loser.

i've been having some sleepless nights lately. i made myself stay in bed in the wee hours this morning though, and after an hour, fell back asleep. but sometimes, i stop fighting it and get up. in those wee hours, i can tear my place apart running from rebecca magazines to old issues of spinnerin, digging for that perfect yarn in this bin over here ... or over there. sometimes i don't go back to bed, sometimes i do. one thing i do enjoy about sleeplessness is that it's so quite then, as most everyone else is sleeping. i enjoy the solitude.
samantha is quite poetic, you should listen to the girl!

Laurie sweetie... I suffer from insomnia almost every night, so you're not alone. I don't always get online at night but more often than not I do. And if I do I check my email, even if I don't surf into your blog. So... should you ever be up in the middle of the night and sleep won't come, you can always shoot me an email and maybe we can chat. Or I can introduce you to one of the many online games I play (I am a gamer chick who knits, after all). Or just shoot you back an "yeah, I'm up too" email and then we can both sip a glass of wine and smile cause sometimes the world really is a better place at 3 in the morning.

Who told you you're supposed to be over this? Tell me immediately and I will smack them in the chops. I think we should have a global 'Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus' cleansing ritual burning.

With mine - I asked the question over an over - "How on earth could I have missed it? Is my judgement SO FLAWED that I would have picked someone and STAYED with someone who so obviously didn't give a rats ass about me? What on earth does that say about my ability to make the right choice for a mate? I'm obviously not qualified to make those calls...."

So it was about me - not so much that I was unworthy but how could I have been SO STUPID?? And how will I know if I am capable of knowing whether anyone is ever worthy of that trust again?

You have to cut yourself some slack, honey. Don't expect yourself to know things just because you "should." Sometimes we have to learn by going through it - we aren't born with the ability to *know* everything about everyone's motivations. Sometimes you just get screwed.

i still think he's an asswipe, but a very sneaky one. You got played. Learn from it and realize that you now know what it is like and it will never happen that way again. I think if you start thinking back - honestly and with objectivity, you realize you saw signs that you weren't willing to acknowledge. That's what the sleepless nights are for. and don't get all "my god, I am a fool" instead think "so NEXT TIME I won't be such an idiot."

hugs dear.

There's stuff that happened when I was a kid -- really a kid, an under-12 kid -- that I still think about once in a long while, and it wasn't until my late 30s that I really truly knew *inside* that I was OK, and that some things had nothing to do with me. Imprisoned inside our own skin, we know it's not all about us, but that's how we see it and we have to keep clouting ourselves upside the head to remind ourselves, or get someone to do it for us.

And yet, with that inner solidity and the occasional clout and more than enough to be going on with here and now and it was nigh unto 40 years ago, for pity's sake, I still think about stuff, and I want to know why. I want to find a couple of nice long loose ends so I can pull the bag shut and tie it off and throw it out with the trash. I haven't managed it yet; the best I can do is keep it where I don't trip over it too often and the smell doesn't bother anyone else, or even me, most of the time. I think closure is way overrated, not to mention improbable.

If it were me, I would raise a glass to the spider and let her get on with it. Everybody's gotta make a living.

Everyone has said this so well, especially Mel --loneliness is out there for everyone, and it just creeps up on you when you aren't looking. You wouldn't be the person we all love so much if you didn't feel things like you do.

YOu do get over them eventually but you certainly don't forget how ugly the whole thing was an how it was handled.

Hugs to you!

Something a bit different fron above...

Father, I lift up Laurie to you today. Bring her the peace and comfort that only you can give her. Allow her to deal with these emotions and to eventually put them behind her. Present her with the opportunities to expand herself in new ways. Encourage and uplift her when she is done. Lord, I ask that you send to her the right person to strengthen her when she needs new strength. Send angels to guard and protect her. I ask all this in Jesus name, Amen.

God be with you!

Just sending some hugs your way, Laurie. Sorry about the insomnia. And Christina is right. It is OK if you never get "over it." He treated you badly and that takes some time to really get over. Whoever told you you should be over it by now, obviously has never been through something this hard.

I will observe, however, that you are making progress. You wanted to "live out loud" and I see you doing that.

You are a compassionate, smart, sassy, and beautiful woman. His loss if he couldn't see that and value it. Someday, you will find someone who will.

These guys just go along and do the same thing all over again to the next one, just know that.

I send you strength.

It's not as easy to "get over it" as I once thought.

I hope rest comes for you soon. And sleep.

xoxo
Kim

I guess you have it all (or the part that matters, anyway) figured out. It's almost impossible to get over a marriage the moment it ends when one got into it completely, without reservations, believing it was (and working for it to be!) for life. Take your time (as you already are) to come out of it whole.

Yes, it sucks big time to give all of yourself to a relationship just to get stabbed in the back while setting the table for him to dine, but, honestly? What's the point of committing to a relationship with just part of yourself? We're talking marriage, for Heaven's sake! Is it worth the trouble if it's not for real?

Clearly, there's something very wrong with that ex-husband of yours. He can either have deep psychological issues or just be a jerk.

You, on the other hand, are genuine and beautiful and true. You're the real thing. Hang in there, you'll eventually move on.

Have a great weekend!

Each new event demands a grief process. You have to be kind to yourself and allow that to happen. Pretty soon, there will be no more new events.

You're not alone.

Suzi, I am going to be using that from now on. I am done wonderin' why my judgement was so off about him.
"So, next time I won't be an idiot!" Yeah,done with arse-wipes or arse-picks or arse-clowns.

{Gosh there are so many names to call them. }

Laurie, thanks for writing about everything. Makes me want to move to CA.

OK, so I just typed a long heartfelt message - breaking into a little grieving process of my own - and then cyber space ate it all up, it disappeared. So I will just sum it all up by saying that the hardest part for me, in getting over that relationships that ended in horrible pain and backstabbing disrespect, is that my heart and my brain just can't get in sinc.

I can be mad as hell at her, hate her for every bit of pain she caused, and still get online, type in her URL, and read her blog just to see her latest picture, see what she's doing, and wish so desperately that I could just say hi and it would be ok. But I know that lurking is all I need to do.

It's my brain that all to well remembers the pain. And my heart that all too well remembers the fun, the good times, the love that use to exist and was safe and comforting. And then my brain kicks back in and reminds me that that same person left me for someone else, under the guise of "just needing space," and ripping my heart out and leaving a wound so large that 6 years later, even though I am in a perfectly wonderful happy relationship, that gash still burns some nights. And it still feels horrible to know how much I gave to her, and how much she took from me...

And then the cold comfort kicks back in... I lie awake for a while, and then eventually the powerful wind comes and takes it all away, for a while and I go about living my life, not lurking on her blog, and being happy about the new life I've made for myself.

But there's are always the times when a smile, a song, a funny phrase, or whatever happens to remind me of her, and there goes my heart and here come my brain... and insomnia and I are pals again. It's f-ed up, it really is, but it seems to happen to the best of us. So hang in there dear Laurie.

(oh, and this was supposed to be my shorted "sum it up version" and I apologize that it became another super long post. I do feel better getting it out, again, though!)

Laurie, like so many others who have commented, I've been there too. The July 4th holiday will always jump up and slap me in the face. My ex and I went camping that weekend 3 years ago and he acted like everything was fine. He walked out on me a week later with absolutely no warning. As much as it hurts sometimes, I think it's better that way because it means I still feel things deeply and I don't ever want to stop that. If I stopped feeling deeply that would just put me down at his level. My ex hasn't remarried but he did move in with someone about 6 months after he left me and she has made two out-of-state moves with him. While I often feel jealous because I think he moved on so easily, I know in my heart that's not true. He just didn't face his feelings or face up to what he did to me and he never will. He had been in my life for 20 years (and I'm only 37) so it's been a hard road towards "getting over it" for me. I'm not sure if anyone ever really gets over it, but it definitely gets a little easier as more time passes. I went through about a year and a half of insomnia and all I can say is that it absolutely sucks. I'm sorry you're dealing with that now. Somehow a good night of sleep seems to cure a lot of stuff. I wish I had good advice for you on how to get sleep. Even Ambien didn't work for me. Only the passing of time did.

Purl Sweetie, I wish I could find my long-lost magic wand and make this all go away for you. I do not suffer from insomnia, but I have suffered through some bad bouts of loss and loneliness. Its not always an easy thing to work through. I know you know you are on the right track, and I know you know you are recovering. But I also understand how these bouts of loneliness and introspection creep up on you. I guess its the gift/curse of being an intelligent, sensitive, truly soulful person. When the loneliness hits, try to remember that these bouts are temporary. Try to remember that you are loved by an army of people, many of whom have never even met you! :) Try to remember you are moving on, and this period of your life is morphing into something much better. And don't forget we are all out here for you.

Anyway, try to concentrate on the future, sweetie, because I feel in my bones, your future is so bright, you're gonna need shades! (with apologies to Timbuk 3)

Dearest Laurie,

There are always going to be asshats in life that hurt us and leave us wondering why they would do it. It's a part of living, even though it is the shitty part of it. However, the other part of your "living" is vibrant, and full, and comforting. Those people, animals and things that make it so, are what is most important. Despite all the ex put you through, you are so full of life and love. Don't ever change, cookie.

Laurie, I'm sorry to say there are things in life that will always come back to you when you least expect it and sometimes when you're least able to deal with the memories. But the Good News is they will eventually come less and less and you will get stronger and better able to deal with them when they come barging in. And always remember it is your right to take it out and look at it whenever you feel the need. There is no shame in that, you own no explanation. Be well.

There's no time limit when you have to get over it. Everyone heals at their own rate.Look at the old ladies in Greece who wear black for a long time or forever when their husbands die -they are not suppose to get over it. You're really angry at this man and you have a right to be - he screwed you over. Which is not uncommon with the man population - literally and or figuratively!

Sometimes I think these things (men, love, betrayal, loss) are like a groove worn in really deep. Some grooves, while not necessarily permanent, are so deep that we carry them with us forever in some fashion. Doesn't mean we stay in them, doesn't mean we don't find happiness, but they're still there.

I thought about this when I was in Pompei. There were grooves in the stone water fountains where countless people had leaned over to take a drink. Hand grooves. Smooth stone worn down by years of repetitive action. Still there, 2000 years after Mt. Vesuvius erased the people who created the groove.

I'm not making much sense. I hope you're feeling a bit better, I feel your pain. No judgment here, only sympathy and the hope that you find happiness.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is cry and stay up and think and then cry some more. I've been there too - and I can't say it will be get easier - but it will get better - a little bit at a time. You will get to know yourself better in the process. You will become a better "you".

Hang in there.

-Jody

I'm convinced you are mentally the healthiest person I know.

Give yourself a break, you just found out he was married. It's like another nail in the coffin of your marriage. Yet another betrayal of those precious vows you took so seriously. You well know that the end of a marriage is like the death of someone dear. You do not just get over that, even after a couple of years. One day, however, you will find that new special someone...and the pain will lessen. I don't believe we ever get past the feeling that comes from failing at marriage. That follows us forever. It sounds like you are surrounded by people who adore you and that should be somewhat comforting, yet I know...it is the nights when you are left alone with your thoughts, your memories, your pain, and your anger that keep you awake. I am sorry for your sleepless nights but unfortunately it comes with the territory. And look on the bright side...you always have Francisco!

You know, you/we can call him all kinds of names, HATE him with all our collective hearts, think revenge, and sweet redemption - but there is NO getting "Over" it.

There is only getting through it.

And the best way that I know how is to wish him well.
Wish good things for him.
Wish him success and love and peace.

It's how we let go.

Life knows what she is doing. Trust Her. Take the leap and wish him well. Do it even when you don't mean it. Especially when you don't mean it.

Clear yourself of the resentment and bitter anger and you will sleep well.

Maybe this will help, maybe it won't, but here goes...

Laurie, at least he's GONE. I know that in your heart he manages to pop up and make unwanted appearances just when you think you'd made a step forward. It keeps you from sleeping and brings up crap you thought you had a grip on. (From what I read, I have to say it sounds like the good days are outnumbering the bad ones lately...whew!) But he's GONE, and you know he ain't coming back. Time wounds all heels anyway.

Mine still has shit in the house and sent me this "oh I regret what I didn't say in the past" poem last night. What am I supposed to do with that? He's told me he doesn't see us getting back together either (and i don't want him), but then he sends me this? After he had himself a girlfriend before the ink was dry? Give thanks that at least you know he is gone gone gone. And maybe imagine him being run over by the karma bus too!

While it sounds trite, I heard something about moving on a long time ago that I really liked. It talked about the nautilus (sp) shell, and how it spirals outward from the middle. It then went on to discuss how this is like getting past negative events in our lives. Initally, the spiral stays close to the centre. So, when we are in the early stages of recovery (for lack of a better word) we too stay close to that painful experience. But, as time moves on the spiral increases its distance from the centre, and we get further away from the pain. So just keep on your path and it will get easier.

It's really wordy, and sort of new agey, and airy faerie, but I like it.

Laurie you are not alone..I am in a very happy stable relationship BUT sometimes the thought of my Ex creeps up into my head and I relive some of our moments again and wonder WHY....why didn't it work? Although I know the reasons and obviously am very happy with the outcome I chose but still those vulnerable moments come and sometimes they linger more than they should but in the end I know that I am where I was meant to be and that although we promised Forever to each other he was just a stepping stone to point me into the right direction of my true destiny.....No one truly gets over "it" unfortunatly the pain, betrayal, hurt, whatever.. will always be there BUT... you my friend are dealing with "IT" with such beauty and grace that I truly admire

My ex dumped me out of the blue 5 years ago. It took me 3 to get over him. I still think of him practically every day but it doesn't hurt anymore. That's not to say that I don't get sad. My therapist says that what I miss now is the relationship...not the one with him because it was toxic and I'm better off...but being with someone.

Lauri, give yourself time. I'm glad that you have many real and blog friends to help you through this. I did not.

Laurie,
Here's what I have learned from my divorce:
You never, ever get over the connection of being married to someone. I finally just gave up trying and accepted that fact. How HE can do it is beyond me. And, you know what, I'm glad it is. The people who tell you to "get over it" have either never been through it, or go home to their man. It hurts like hell, I know. Everytime you start to question "what is wrong with me", turn it around and ask "what is wrong with him." Pretty soon, I promise, you will be OK with it.

Oh my gosh! That's the most beautiful, soulful introspection I've ever read. We all love you here, Laurie, and we are on this journey with you. {{{{ hugs }}}} Keep that pretty chin up, up, up . . . you are on a far better path than you can imagine.

Oh, girlie! I know it doesn't mean much right now, but someday it will. You are the better person because you gave so much of yourself. You are moving on more slowly because you truly meant to spend all of your life with this person. Even though it doesn't feel that way right now, that's a good thing. It means you are the deeper more committed person, and that is the way it should be. I am so sorry that it is difficult for you, but i am so proud of you for admitting how you feel and sharing it even when everyone else tells you that you shouldn't feel this way anymore. I have a friend in much the same situation as you, and I hear from her many of the things I read here on your blog. Hang in there, Aunt Purl. In the end you are the one who will be blessed.

Here's the thing. People that think and feel like you do are the ones that are worth it. People who don't think and don't feel, like him, are not. When men realize that the person they are with are better than they deserve they make cowardly actions. You are the hero in this.

Though I have no words of wisdom or even comfort for you, I wanted to say that your post today touched me in a very genuine way. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I think you are right that any decent person who had taken their marriage vows seriously would feel the way you do now.

Take care of yourself and the sleep will come.

as what others have said before, you'll get over it in your own time. i used to get so pissed at people who'd say "you should be over that by now." what did they know about what i'd been through and what it had done to me, my psyche, and my peace of mind?? spent a lot of lonely nights on the couch with the cats. it'll get better at some point. (used to drive me nuts wondering "WHEN?") and your readers will be here for you!! *hugs*

My ex didn't move on quite as fast as yours did...but almost. But my therapist told me that frequently it is the men who move on quickly, because they don't know how to live in this place that we live in...this place of wondering, and of thinking and of trying to understand how we ended up here. They end up fooling themselves into thinking it was us that made them unhappy, and then they take their own problems into whatever (whoever) they move on to. I have kids with my ex, so we see and speak with each other regularly (and I can't tell you how hard that can be sometimes), but I also get to see the crap that he pulls sometimes, and I just think "Oh thank god it is not me that has to deal with this mood." When those of us who sit with the pain, and work through it, and understand how we got ourselves where we are now, when we move on to someone and something new, I truly believe it will not be to something that has all the same problems and all the same flaws. And although that doesn't help me in the loneliest moments, it definitely helps me the rest of the time. Be well...

There is no expiration date on hurting. You heal in your own time. But in the meantime, when you feel really lonely, think of all the people who feel such a connection to you that we'd all love to be your best friend/introduce you to our brothers/call you our sister...because you've made our lives brighter and happier with your blog. You are gift to us. I hope we can offer a little friendship in return.

Just look at this outpouring of support and comfort for Laurie.
Isn't it nice how all of us who've been there want to help Laurie and others going through it? If the nasty split with my ex taught me something, it's how supportive women can be. Men don't do that for each other.

HURRAY FOR WOMEN!!!

No. Noone should expect you be to be "over it" already. No. The death of a marriage is a horrible thing to go through. I don't even know Mr.Ex, and I am offended by his actions.

I left. I walked out the door thinking if I could be alone to think, I would be able to better explain what was driving us apart. I never got the chance...As I was leaving, he called me the "C" word. At the top of his voice in our driveway he yelled that I was nothing and had nothing without him. I remember shaking and crying while driving away. I didn't know this person who behaved so awfully towards me.

I wasn't alone for long before I recognized that the person he was towards me that day was the same person I had seen him unleash on others. It dawned on me quickly there would be no going back because I wouldn't want to go back. My life of everything had turned into nothing. My life of everything was an illusion.

It's no one's fault in the end. We think we know who people are. We think we understand them - - what might have happened to create the quirks we can either live with or find we must leave. We think we can understand what they want from us. The intervening years have proved that I am more than something on my own. I don't ever want him back...but I have never stopped wanting the illusion back.

Honey, even married people get lonely in the middle of the night. Insomnia is difficults... him being married is difficult.. YOU however.. are a rock! Know what I do when I can't sleep? I knit. ((hugs))

Oh Sweetie, ((hugs))
This just sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through all this, and I wish there was a magic wand we could wave to make the memory of X and his crimes go away.
In the meantime, the three best friends I can reccommend for sleeplessness are:

1- Choline, Inositol and Gaba. All over-the-counter vitamins, and the last one is just the natural form of what ambien gives you to help you sleep. Go buy a bottle of each at Wholefoods, and I swear, you'll be so zen-like relaxed that you'll be amazed that shit's legal!

2- Work out. No- I hate gyms too. And it's too hot at night. But go to www.t-tapp.com and buy their 15 minute basic work out dvd. It will kick your ass in the mere 15 minutes it takes, and you'll sleep like a baby. Better yet, because it only take 15 minutes, you can do it in the morning before work in the actual 15 minutes of bearable temperatures we get in the Vally each am!
Great side benefit- the things it does for your waist and butt are amazing!
(My southern belle grandmother raised me with the firm notion that the best way to get over a lyin' sack of shit was to eat chocolate and drink for one week--and then work on yourself like a fiend so next time that sack saw/heard of you, it was that you're looking hot, dancing on the tables and couldn't even remember his name)

3- Cold bath. Bring home a big ol' bag of ice, run a lukewarm bath with lovely smelling stuff. Get in with a good book and the bag of ice next to the tub (in a bucket, otherwise you'll drench the floor!) and toss in the ice a handful at a time. Soon you'll feel the temperature of the water slowly dropping and your core temp slowly easing off of overdrive. I stayed in Boston once sans A/C in the Summer, and this was the only way I could get to sleep, I swear.

Oh, how I long for a night alone, listening to crickets and dryers beeping! I'd sit at 10:00 pm and then when I woke up at 3:30 am I'd do it again.

Again I so can relate to your feelings. I think sometimes that you and I are the only ones feeling this repititious pain of divorce. Everyone smiles at me pitifully when I mention feelings of pain or loss or the "lost" feeling I can't seem to break free from. Or I feel everyone says to themselves "just get over it already" so I don't mention any pain or feelings I have.

I'm coming up on the 1-year anniversary of the "split" which somewhat shocks me because I would thought I would have been further down the "emotional recovery road".

I don't know--seems some people bounce right back from divorce but I have gotten alot of comfort from hearing about your trials and experiences as you have experienced them. We both have good days and bad days it seems.

I usually sleep okay but I experience an ominous fear lurking just beyond me vision and grasp. A fear of the future, a fear of unexpected turns in life (such as divorce)that can knock me on my ass and completely change my future, views and goals on life and where I thought I would be 20 years from now.

Now days I don't like to see old couples--I know I will never have that. I'm 45 and I will never have a "50th". That is so sad.

There are some things and some people you never get over. If you have a heart that is...some people don't.

Give yourself a break, you just found out about the wedding very recently. A former spouse remarrying is big. It stirs up a lot of feelings about the marriage and what it meant to him and to you. If he had the guts to let you know about it when it was happening you might have processed it by now.

I recently found out a relative of mine died...six years ago and no one ever told me. I still feel like it happened yesterday because for me it pretty much did.

I agree with Jeannie, women amaze me every day, I'm always so surprised and comforted that this whole part of my life is something I've been able to see reflected in the lives of all ya'll, and the women I've met here and in real life, who just keep on keeping on, and who are supportive and get it, and it is a blessing.

Laurie, going through a divorce puts you in the grief process, the same as if someone close to you died. It's the death of a marriage and unfortunately, there is no timeline for the grief. There are stages we go through, and sometimes we repeat those stages, go back and forth. We all react differently to our grief, so please sweets, don't be hard on yourself. There is no getting over it, whoever told you that is just plain stupid. It's OK to feel the pain. Doesn't mean it's fun, but it's OK.

Oh, and another thing, this is something I just had to learn too. His behavior shows HIS character and has NOTHING to do with you and who you are or what you are worth. BAD CHARACTER is BAD CHARACTER.

It hurts to lose anybody you've loved or cared for. One of the ladies here at work is going around right now saying goodbye to everybody because she is retiring. Lucky lady. I don't know her well but I've worked with her for a long time. I want to cry because I know I'll probably never see her again. It's kind of like a death of a friendship.
That's how I think about the non-relationship with my boy's dad. Our love/friendship died somewhere along the way. I mourn for it, it was something good and I miss it. Some days the depression hits hard and I know it is here because I have a good reason to be sad. So I let it in and I feel it and I cry. And I know that today I am alive and I thank God that I still have a soul that cares.
Hang in there, we are with you.

I do agree with psychomom. It is mourning. I wouldn't have the man back to save my life. He could be the cruelest, meanest person I've ever come across. But.......for some insane reason, I loved him. There were good times and he did have good traits. Maybe I just mourn for the dream.

Also, I've had the stages of grief on my pullout at my desk. Thought I could just check them off as I passed each stage as a milestone. What a joke! I go back and forth, round and round but not done with them yet!

>
what everyone's said here is true...
it will pass.....

I probably have no right to say the following, especially if it makes you feel upbraided or judged. But I'm an opinionated woman, and you're blog has touched me enough to brave the ire of all your many, many friends. I mean the following with the best of intentions.

You need to embrace your bitterness, your anger, your outrage. I feel this when I read your posts like this one (which are WONDERFUL, as everyone keeps noting, again and again). We can all see you getting stronger everyday, but you need to open up that can of bitterness you've been settin' aside, rather than that bottle of chardonnay.

Now I'm pretty useless on knowing much beyond that. Most of us have been the victim of someone doing something just as emotionally illegal as Mr. Xtrement has done to you. But until you own your anger and bitterness, you'll be stuck. I just feel it in my tippy toes. I really mean all the best, H.

I can relate. Thankfully I wasn't married to him but finding out after 4 years that commitment meant different things to the two of us was still a bit of a shocker and that is probably the single biggest understatement I have ever made. Yes, you can be moving on and still feel "lied to, disillusioned and untethered" but it does get better. One day you move on and realize with a relief that while you may not be quite ready for the next big love of your life yet you are over the last. You'll get there.

I'm not sure why you're lamenting "lonely".
You're not alone.
You have a fabulous group of friends who obviously care about you -- who else would submit to wearing crazy wigs and being published on your blog?
You have an entire community here that is rallied around you.

Yes, Mr. X left. Yes, it's different living sans human companion 24/7. Yes, he chose to re-committ himself. He chose to walk away from an amazing person who's full of talent and humor and overall cuteness. He chose to be an ___ (fill in your own word of choice).

You have a choice, too. Choose to be happy. Choose to love the kitties and love your friends and love your online fan club. Because all those pets and people choose to love you.

Choose to leave him where he wanted to be -- behind you. Choose to close that chapter. Choose to sleep and choose to dream about a future -- with and without a significant other. Choose your imagination. Choose your creativity.

You have a path to travel and it's your own path, can't tell you how to do it, can't do it for you. But from your posts it appears you're turning back and repeating your steps. It's hard to sit on this end of the internets and watch you continue to suffer. Hoping you find the inspiration to move beyond and get the rest and relaxation and happiness you so deserve.

Laurie,

Re: one of the last comments, I don't view you as bitter at all. You are handling things with grace and humility in your own way. I just appreciate your willingness to share it all with us. Thank you.

People just handle things their own way. Talking about something doesn't mean you're repeating your steps.

This is precisely why I never talk about this.

To anyone. Except, you know, the internet. (Although, there are 339 essays on this website and only 41 are about my divorce.)

I get so angry when people tell me to just move on. What does that mean? I really want to know what it means. Does it mean you never have sadness? Regret? One single night when you're alone and you think about some stuff? Tell me. Because if that is "moved on" I can promise you I will never be there, and will probably never visit it, either.

In my world, you can be "moved on" and still think about a thing. It doesn't mean I am bitter or suffering or crying into my orange juice. It is what it is. I'm human, and flawed, and this is just the way I am. Messy, but honest.

I choose that.

And, furthermore, Southerners as a whole are "reflectionists." Good Lord, there are still some people who spend every weekend re-enacting the Civil Freaking War. In that context, I got off relatively easy from the maudlin node of our DNA.

I don't think you ever realy stop loving and caring about a person. The love can change and fade, new love can take precidence (spelling?) but you never totaly stop loving. I think that's why meeting an ex on the street or at a party is so akward. Because somewhere deep down in your heart, you've never stopped loving them completely.
It's like when my father died. You never "get over" it. You learn to live with it.

You are doing fine. The fact that you are living a life that you love, and doing it well, shows that you are moving on with your life. If you want to reflect on what was and what might have been, fuggetaboutit! That's your right as a Southener :)

"Don't mock what you don't understand, it's a Southern thing." Better Than Ezra

Yay Melly for quoting BTE!

Laurie, I think you are stronger than you (or any of us) know. You can be moved on and still feel the hurt now and again. People just don't forget things that affected them that deeply. And everyone (in my opinion) has those long buried issues that pop up unexpectedly throughout their lives. Things it's hard to ignore, so we don't. It's not unhealthy. Just be you and feel how you feel, and do what is right for you. People love to give advice, but as a recipient, don't forget that you have the right to pick and choose which advice best suits you and your individual situation.

I hope you finally got some sleep last night. I had been worried a bit the last few days, with your lack of posts (funny I worry about that, and I don't even know you) - I was wondering if you were okay.

Okay, I'm not going to tell you that things will get better because (who really knows?) this may be the best it gets. Let's just go with that. The best of you is that you loved someone so wholly that you wrapped their life into yours and, thus, strenghtened this person in every way. The best of him is that he chose to use this magical power to play and mean and hurtin' game. You are true...and I hope the universe makes right with you on that.

Now, come over to my blog and wish me a happy birthday and remind me, again, of all the poetic and uplifting things you said about turning 35.

The fact that you're able to be you and think deeply and feel deeply and express and haven't let the divorce take that away from you is wonderful, and really shows what a strong person you are. There's nothing wrong with the occassional insomnia (except for the exhaustion) and thinking back on things and getting sad or angry or whatever you need to feel. It's your way of processing so you can still be you.

And You is a good thing. A very good thing.

It will get better, you should read the book "Spiritual Divorce" by Debbie Brown, it is awesome. I read it over at least threes times. you are so much better off without him, believe it, great things will come to you. I believe it, you can be alone and not lonely.
Carla

As someone who very happily lives alone, I agree that you can be alone without being lonely---most of the time. Sometimes I'm lonely for something I've lost, or for something I've never had. And that's okay. Don't worry, Laurie. You're doing inspiringly well, and *whatever* you are feeling is the right thing to feel.

You've garnered so many comments I imagine one melts into the next. I don't offer words of encouragement, as I'm stuck in the middle of grief over my recent divorce.

I stumbled into this arena looking for some solace; a place to find some peace love and understanding, and it looks like I found at least something that tells me I'm not crazy.

well, maybe.

Lu's comment reminds me of another thing I meant to say in my earlier post. Knowing your process of "recovery" makes me feel like mine is normal. It's a comfort to know that others also experience the sudden setbacks (that may not be the word I'm really going for, but I hope you know what I mean).

Laurie,

You are truly amazing!! Love your blog! You are so much better than "him"!!!

Happy 4th everyone!!!!

You women are all so inspirational!!!!

Well, you explained it perfectly. You have an incredible ability to "See" and a matchless talent for sharing your insights. I love reading your blog. Thank you.

I wish my arms could reach far enough to hug you, Laurie.

LOL at the "people re-enacting the Civil War" comment... One of your best features is your unshakable sense of humor... :)

Hmph. "moving on"??
Hell, I don't know exactly what that means either. Because it's the mulling over what has happened, and how you feel about it and what it means that resolves things, heals the wounds and makes you who you really are.
I suppose "moving on" can mean one of two things:

1- Refusing to even touch the sore spot on your psyche after the initial slash-and-burn. In this case, you duct-tape over the hurt with over-bright manners, denial and incessant activities, afraid to be alone with yourself in case you're tempted to lift the edge of the tape lest the unhealed emotions start oozing out.

Trouble is, as comfortable this is for the people you know superficially, ("She was pretty hurt, but she's moved-on real well- never mentions it, really" translated as "She's stopped talking about it and I'm SO relieved because it made me feel uncomforatable.") the stink of the raw emotions will eventually out, especially when you try to let someone else get close to you again. So this is not REALLY resolving anything. It's just delayed healing and a refusal to grow.

2- Or "Moving on" in a HEALTHY way could mean that let the wound heal in the light, acknowledge it's there, and let the resultant scar give you character and resiliency, rather than try to hide that it ever happened.
You make new friends, or let your friends drag you out of your temporary mourning, let yourself reflect on what hapenned, grieve as you need, and refuse to tar all men and relationships with the same "they're all bastards and lies" brush.

Which is what you are doing in Spades, Sweetheart. You are reflecting, and growing, and letting that wound heal in the light. What you wrote about IS "Moving on" reflection and the occasonal sleepless night is PART of "moving on"!

Note: I am slowly and painfully emerging from a twelve-year illness that ate my twenties and early thirties. Some classmates and I were discussing the physical and emotional scars that various accidents/illnesses/experiences left us with, (oe of the other girls also has a complicated medical histry) and we ended up laughing about how each one of us had once hoped or planned to have our physical scars removed or hidden via plastic surgery, but ended up deciding that these scars were part of our earned character as adults. Same thing for emotions.

Laurie, you have earned your battle-scars and your heart is all the more lovely and dashing for it. If only there were a sexily rakish kind of eye patch or something that came with surviving Mr. X.... very sexy lady-pirate, no? "Yarrr! We be the Lady Pirates of Love and Experience-- hand over the wine and we might show ye our treasure chests!"

HELL YES Southerners are reflectionists! Give us one halfway balmy night, complete with quietly contemplative crickets and a tiny breeze going through the trees, and maybe an old song, and we will walk so far down the path of our pasts that sometimes it's hard to find our way back to the present. We reflect, we wax sentimental, we reminisce, we romanticize, we ruminate, we think about the might-have-beens and the should-have-beens. I think it's something of a religion. Or at least a deep, profound, and oddly comforting ritual.

oh, it's a miserable state to be in. And it makes it even more miserable when some one says "just move on;" I say if ya don't have any more substantial advice than that, keep your mouth shut. Isn't "just move on" what people say when they are sick of hearing us complain and aren't really giving any significant thought to our problems. I think so!

We all heal in our own time - and we are all where we are, and no where else, at any given moment.

I think that Susan's 3 tips above, sound like excellent ideas for the funk you are in, but in your own time. When you're ready to come out of it, you'll find something that works for you. In the meantime, keep us posted on your progress... your beautiful prose is healing for yourself and for us... use that, even if that's all you have for now.

Laurie,
I would like to suggest a few songs for your listening pleasure.

The first one is by Jackson Browne: "Here Come Those Tears Again."

The second one which is a tad more spirited is by Hot Hot Heat: "Bandages"

The third one is by My Chemical Romance: "I'm Not Ok."

I have been trying to work my way through a break up and music is what helps me the most.

If all else fails, I just bought a mobile home about 20 yards from the ocean in Huntington Beach. Come on over and we can knit, drink wine, eat chocolate, dance around in the sun singing "I will Survive", maybe listen to the ocean while we get sun burned. The sun burn will take our minds off of our misery. Is it a date?
Everyone is welcome to join us.

Laurie--You have every right to feel offended that he planned that wedding while he was still legally your husband (although truth be told she probably did the planning). Resent the hell out of him for being so disrespectful. Be angry and then breathe. That's your right. It's your pain. No one can tell you that you "should be over it," because they are not you.

Also, I may have some insight on this as my mother is a Cancer. My father unceremoniously left her nearly 30 years ago, and while she's over it, there are still days she dwells on what might have been--what was supposed to have been. She took her vows very seriously as well.

And please, don't be such a hermit crab and come to SnB on Thursdays. Annika brought her darling Sam (and his dad) last night.

You are so right about the re-enactors. I grew with parents, aunts, uncles who NEVER GOT OVER IT. The Civil War, The War Between the States, The Late Unpleasantness. Since we talked about the Civil War as often as anything else, for a long time I had the impression that the CV, the Great Depression and WWII all happened about the same time.

I'd be pissed off too. How dare he move on with someone else! What gives him the right to think he can throw me away like yesterday's news?

You are a decent human being with a conscience (however the hell that gets spelled). So just put your head up high, and slog on. You're doing great!

You’re grieving, Laurie. Your own internal time schedule will move you on when you're ready. And, hello, how does Drew always say the best damn things in the shortest amount of words?

Lots of love and cat hair to you.

Babala, I was flummoxed when I moved out of the south and finally realized that not everyone's family has frequent dinnertime conversation about the War Of Northern Aggression. LOL

Laurie Ann, I planned to attend snb last night but I drove, no A/C in my Jeep, and by the time I was near the Farmer's Market I needed another shower. So I just went home. Summer is hot.

Also thank you everyone for all the insight and comments and it truly helps to know I'm not the only one who "dwells" from time to time.

For whatever reason, I seem to be stuck on the gift registry. It's just so TACKY. Like they celebrated the fact that they cheated together with a big party and some new dinner plates and had people buy them gifts to cheer on the union of two big fat cheaters.

Well, I hope she enjoys cooking chef boyardee ravioli and kraft mac 'n cheese in her new $400 stainless steel cookware. Because ya'll know that man may have changed wives, but he hasn't changed his eating habits. heh.

I've been thinking about you and your post last night all day. As aggravating as it can be most times I consider insomnia to be my therapy. Self-reflection is so important. How else can we learn life's lessons if we don't consider our past choices and redefine our needs and decisions in the future? Telling someone to "get over it" is both mean and foolish. Intelligent people use the past to keep from repeating bad experiences.

Laurie, you keep reflecting and remembering; it's all part of being human. Don't let anyone tell you to "get over it" anymore.

Now something to make you laugh: I am an almost 42 year old woman and I fell out of bed yesterday morning! I was dreaming about the movie "Snakes on a Plane" (I had seen the trailer before I went to bed) and at around 7:00 AM I dreamt that
a snake jumped out from behind my backyard air conditioner and I jumped away. Unfortunately, my still-sleeping body jumped, too. I flung myself, head first into my nightstand. It has 2 drawers with VERY SHARP handles on the front. I am now the proud owner of an 2 inch long gash on the left side of my head held together with two gleaming STAPLES holding it together. To make matters worse they had to SHAVE MY HAIR off around it, and I can't wash my hair for a week! The horrors!! It hurts like crazy but the ridiculousness of it keeps me (and my husband) quite amused.

If you think that you are the most clumsy and accident prone person alive, you are wrong. I am Liz, Queen of Self-Inflicted Injuries That Only Occur During Moments of Extreme Embarrassment. I'll tell you tomorrow about how I broke my leg last December falling off my back porch.

Cheer up, Laurie!!
Love you, Liz

OMG, Liz. You are kidding me. Argh! You feel better soon! (The horror of the shaved head, too!)

I'm another fan of dealing with emotion and the inability to sleep (they feed off each other) physically. I think Susan said it earlier: work out. Whether it is walking or treadmilling or whatever gets you moving and sweating (yes, you have to sweat, but since you probably are sweating from the heat anyway, why not make it beneficial?), you will find the endorphins from exercise make you feel better and the tired muscles make you sleep better. Find a school with a track near by. Put on shorts and good tennis shoes. If you have an iPod, bring it, and bring a water bottle. Walk the track fast; each lap should be 1/4 mile. It's boring at first but as you move you will get into a zone. Let the inevitable thoughts about Mr X come and then go. He doesn't belong in your mind; this is your time. Every time you pass the beginning, you can make a scrape on the dirt or drop a stone or something that marks your lap. See if you can improve your lap time or your focus. When you have done 4 or 8 or 12 laps (it's nice to have round mileage numbers), walk more slowly and then stretch your legs. Drink all the water you have left and walk home to a cool shower. See if you can do this three days a week. I get up at 5 a.m. to do it when the air is cool and the sunrise beautiful.

You will have given yourself the gift of increased heart rate, tired muscles, and in a more subtle way, mental peace.

I made my husband take a photo of it yesterday because I can't see it myself. It's SO GROSS. My dh can't stop telling his coworkers about it and even my father thought it was funny.

Don't worry though.....I have a very hard head and a very loooong memory!!

Hallelujah, sister...hallelujah. You can tell us how much it offends you, because it offends us too. (Okay, I was speaking for a LOT of people there. It offends me too. But I'll bet I'm not the only one who's said so!)

I'm happily married now, but many years ago I went through an ugly, ugly breakup, and when he suddenly (three weeks later!!) was ACTUALLY DATING, I was offended, and that's all there was to it. And my friends said, "Oh please! You're better off without him! She can have him! She'll be sorry later!" And they were right, but they just couldn't understand how offensive it is to be so easily replaced. I knew I had meant little or nothing to him - ugly, ugly breakup, anyone? - but to be so! easily! replaced! It felt terrible. And when you're first feeling that, it's difficult, and your friends all think they're saying the right things, and you appreciate that they love you and want to help you feel better and move on, but - I sense that you know this, grasshopper - you do all that in your own time, in your own way. Rock on, Laurie!

Liz - how funny - I dreamed about "Snakes on a Plane" recently too! I stayed in bed, though. :) Hope you're all healed up soon!

If it were me I would be offended. If it were me I would not sleep. If it were me I would drown my sorrows in a glass or three of wine, and then pass out only to wake up with a start in the middle of the night.

Grieve in the way you need to. Take care of yourself. Keep writing. For my part, I will keep reading.

Can't sleep??? Xanax!!!

It takes people different amounts of time to get over things. When you have thoughts of Mr. X, you have to banish them. Get in touch with that southern religious lady inside you, and tell him, "get thee behind me, Mr.X! I have my own life now, thankyouverymuch, get out of my head! Now!" Keep busy. I started running to get out of my divorce depression, and it worked. Hugs, sweetie. It'll get easier, I know it.

There's a photos of my stapled head on my website. Not for the squemish, though.
Thanks for the good wishes, Julie.

Have a good weekend ya'll! (written Laurie-style)

You're kidding me....????an effing gift registry...ummm what ever Captain Tackypants - everybody knows that you don't register the second time around when the first one ended with you walking out. who does that?!?!? you realize laurie that everyone who got the invite and the "registry" had those same thoughts and either:
a. skipped the "wedding" all together
b. sent a card
c. ran to the dollar store because they're afraid to spend anymore money on some cheating douche who will more than likely have a third "registry".
Believe you me girl, that "wedding" was not only a laughing stock, but used as an example to teach small children on how not to get married.
Sugar, love is blind but the neighbors ain't...

Puh-lease....

Dear Laurie--
Lots of good emotional advice above. I agree that you are right to feel offended, and I don't think that the continuation of this state means that you are bitter. Nothing wrong per se with bitter, but bitterness is not revealed in your writing. Bitterness would be, oh, say, posting picture's of x's new wife with descriptions of why she is ugly. They may be true, but putting those things out in the world would be an ugly thing to do.
What you present to us is sadness, and truth. Grief can turn into bitterness when it is transformed by anger into a determination to see the world through ugly-glasses. Again, nothing wrong with angry, but I just don't see you putting that sort of thing out into the world here.
So, I have only two pragmatic bits of advice. First, leave the spider where it is. Spiders are easier to live with than with unloving men.
Second, swim. Like people said above, exercise will help you to sleep. Swimming has the added benefit of lowering your core temperature while you do it. Find someplace with a nice, cool pool, and add it to your day.

Laurie...
so you know the trollop he married? That sucks even more. We just found out today that my son's SCOUT LEADER has been lying to us for a year , we all felt so bad for him and his marraige woes, when it turns out he was boinking one of the den member's moms. I feel like sending him a letter that says "LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE".
Hang in there sweetie, you have alot of friends out here on these here internets.
I don't know who it was up above in the comments that got so fierce and was ready to go kick ass for you...she's a true member of the SOBA PATROL!!

I've been where you're at. Then add a baby exactly ten months from the door slamming shut. So I speak with some experience. You aren't supposed to be over it until you're over it. Grieve. Mourn. Cry. Scream. And get it out of your system however you can. But they key is to do it when you are ready. There isn't a book. There are no rules. Take your time and be kind to yourself. And to Ben & Jerry as they are wonderful in our times of need. I worship them.

Laurie,

Just when I thought I had gotten the hang of living in a zoo and big giant bed all by myself, I discovered the exjackass is boinking his (ex?)best friend's live-in girlfriend. And they were together when I was married to the exjackass.

Kinda stirred up all kinds of emotions and thoughts for me.

Now if I were to find out he's getting married again, hell yes I'm going to have a reflective moment or two, bottle of wine or two, and might even talk about it on my own blog a little bit.

Reflecting and regressing are two different things.

Keep on reflecting. That's how progress is made.

xoxo
Kim

Of course it offends you. What he did was an offense. To you and to the vows you both took. You say "I do", not "I do, but I might change my mind later". I'm glad you told us how you feel. I completely sympathize with you.

Go take tango lessons. Latin men always make you feel sexy. And then you can be like "Look what I can do!" You know, the whole "living well is the best revenge" thing. I mean, believe me, I get it. You get sad, and when you get home from work, you are tired.The laundry doesn't do itself, and I personally don't know what I'd do without frozen food. But I think it makes you feel better. I think the biggest thing is forgiving ourselves, because we feel stupid, like how could we have made such huge mistakes, how could we have not seen that this wasn't true love, how could we have let ourselves get into this situation. But then you realise - it's not your fault. And life goes on. And someday you believe in true love again. And then the guy who treats you right comes along, and you thank your ex for setting you free...

You know, not to make light of your insomnia, but it does answer one of my ongoing questions about you, and all these women who write fantastically on their blogs: How does she do it all? Work, cats, knitting, gardening, AND great writing? Answer: No sleep!

I second (or third, or fourth) the above recommendations for melatonin and/or ambien. Sometimes you just need a good 8 hours.

Hoo-boy, do I EVER remember having insomnia after my divorce! I felt such RAGE and my brain was going a million miles a minute and would not shut up! The only thing that helped me was camomile tea (Celestial Seasonings' Sleepytime is good and doesn't taste like brewed marigolds) and writing in my journal - and knitting, of course.

One of the other posters said it best: "Get over it" translates into "I don't really want to hear any more because it makes me feel uncomfortable." Phooey. You owe no one anything; if you're still hurting, you're still hurting. Emotions are not right or wrong, they just ARE.

And really, what he did was beyond awful, beyond tacky. I hope someone had the guts to say something along the lines of "How does it feel to be a walking cliche?"

And isn't it delicious that you can write about how hurt and angry you feel and get instant feedback and support from your friends and readers? You validate all of us who have been through similar nasty horrible breakups, you know.

Karma is real. He'll get his for certain. And you will be amazed at how happy you will be in the future.

Hey, maybe you can get Francisco to tango you through the square watermelons.

I was gonna tell you a gift-registry story of my own, but it's not really germane, so instead I will just give you one word: boor.

We Yankees brood too, you know. Not about the Civil War, as a rule, but we have baggage. It's classic leather, and it's been in the family for generations.

Hi Laurie. Just want to say that your heart is in the right place. You can look within yourself and stand tall. That's all that matters.

Sometimes you open the old baggage. You look and remember the history, you feel, you learn. Then you close it and put it away. You don't drag it around. Maybe one day it will just sit there and never be opened again. Maybe one day it will simply be forgotten. Not because you ignore it. But because there's just nothing there for you anymore.

Laurie-
Yours is the first and only blog I have ever read - and I have read every post. Sorry for lurking so long without saying hi. I am writing to recommend a book to you: "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I won't go into why I think you would like this book, but check it out.
And, as long as I have your ear, I saw a t-shirt some time ago that said "I'm not with Stupid anymore!" and thought of you! And laughed!
Thanks for the energy and devotion you give to your writing. It is noticed and appriciated. Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth.

Oh Laurie. I hope you are able to take some comfort from all the comments, and know you are not alone.

Be kind to yourself. Unfortunately, there is no timetable for grief, we just have to get through it, each at their own pace. Try and remember, emotions are outside of your control, therefore there are no wrong emotions.

You continue to be an inspiration to many, as evidenced by all of your readers and comment writers. Hang in there, you're really doing amazing at getting through this.

I have to second Tracy's recommendation - I just finished Elizabeth Gilbert' book and it's all about moving on,in the best way possible.
I hope you know how brave and honest you've been with all your postings - don't ever doubt that! I'm about 2 years behind you; the 4th is the 9th anniversary of our engagement (note to self: avoiding linking significant romantic events with national holidays in the future),and I'm in the process of calling lawyers, packing up my apartment and trying to deal with the mess he left behind (and yes, that mess would be me). If I can deal with this half as well as you have, I'll be very lucky. Please keep posting.

So I started to write something about my insomnia but I'll save it for a future post because this space here is about you, not me.

I have heard so many people say, "It will get better," when I had been sure I was at my lowest. I'm not going to say that. But I will think that for you because it does. I know it will because you are writing about what you are feeling. If you didn't, then I'd be worried.

Just keep reminding yourself everyday that you are better than what he must think you are. If you have any doubt about this, read the comments on your various posts. These are proof that there are people who do truly appreciate you. In a situation like this, my mother would say, "That which doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." I used to laugh at her but she is right.

What I have learned is that there are some things in life that hurt. Sometimes these things are not within your control. (Yes, I am the child of a 12-stepper.) As my tell my students, there is nothing wrong with your emotions. It's what you choose to do.

And when I head to L.A. over Labor Day, we will drink wine and dance some salsa. And laugh about everything.

My two cents is worth exactly that:
Ah, you didn't ask for the feelings you're having and heaven knows you have every right to have them. Nonetheless, the also have the same rights that everyone on earth has, and one of those is the right to feel good about yourself. The ex isn't losing sleep over you, or your feelings, or the place you're in. There is no payoff in feeling angry or depressed about him. He doesn't deserve the thoughts, and frankly, you simply deserve the absolute best that life has to offer. Please don't sit back and watch life happen. Get out and grab a good chunk of it for yourself. Drink more, eat more, dance more, laugh more, buy balloons for no reason, adopt a goat, learn Swahili, paint your kitchen orange, join a yoga group, stalk a celebrity, and/or even sleep around a whole lot if you want to. Give yourself a great life and if you happen to share it with another person, all the better. We all get one spin on this physical plane. Make the most of yours. Not his. Just sayin'.

Women are from Mars, Men are from Penis!

Ah, Laurie--insomnia. I've had it bad over the years. Lately if anything it's worse. Yeah, my man left--left this world entirely, and I miss him like crazy! The rational part of me says he's at least not in pain any more. I need me one of those T-shirts that says, Fuck cancer! Anyway, you're better off without him--and just think, his new wife has to swallow the idea that "her" man was still married when he was planning their wedding. Oh yeah, that builds trust, all right. Bet she's got some even worse raging insomnia, and the guilt to go with it too!

Laurie, when you wrote a couple of posts ago that X had remarried I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I felt it for you. And it stayed with me. The sense of horror and betrayal and just wrongness of it all. And I think it was linked to my own simmering fear that one day I will hear the same news about my X and I think no matter how much time has gone by it will still feel like a kick in the gut. I think what bothers me most about the remarriage is that he just bypassed the pain and reflection and hard work that goes into coming out of a failed marriage and you (and me, too) have rolled up our sleeves and met loneliness and fear and the unknown head on. I think we are better for it, but damn if it isn't hard sometimes. Do you know that he cheated -- did he admit it? mine wouldn't though there was sufficient evidence and not much had to be said if one were a worm and coward -- or are you figuring the timetable of an abrupt end to your marriage and a remarriage for him added up...just curious...and none of my business....but I know that making peace with that betrayal is the hardest thing I have ever done...and keeps me questioning what happened, when did he make the choice to betray me, why didn't I realize sooner...

Sweetie, you will "move on" (stupid concept) when you're ready to and no sooner. I agree that you don't get over major hurts--you learn to live with them, and they do become less painful with time. That's life. Please don't listen to anyone telling you how you should feel. How the hell do they know? You are better off despite the pain, and you're an amazing, lovely woman. Hugs and friendship to you.

*pats your back*

*pours more wine*

Laurie when my ex remarried I was devastated.I didn't want him back but the thought of him loving someone else the way he loved me,it hurt.Well after about the third time he remarried I just counted my blessing I got out.
Sometimes watching a spider and quite thoughts are just as important as sleep.
Also there is no pity like self pity and thats ok too.

Laurie--you're doing fine. The way out of this is THROUGH IT. And I'll correct that--you're doing better than fine!

Pet the cats, knit, and have the girls over for a movie. And when you least expect it (if you want it), you'll turn around and see someone else that perks your interest. And you'll perk his. :)

Distraction darling. Men are creatures who dont fare well on their own and they are somewhat steered by the rudder in their pants. Men think like this "It isn't working, well, who else is around?" - as deep as that!
I think it is sometimes better to be like that! I know that mindset is hard but I think it works. Your vows are broken, you need to get out and meet a LOT of men, flirt ridiculously, laugh coyly, batt your eyelids, play hard to get and let the men chase you all over the place.
Remember live outrageously and be gorgeous!
Mia

I think you need to send him a wedding gift...something that will certainly be right up his and the ho's alley...

http://fecalgram.com/store/products

a sack of fecal matter.....(trying to be delicate after my screaming potty mouth a few days ago)....

Something to distract you when you are wading through the insomnia:

Get him added to multiple mailing lists.

Ones for organizations that he would hate. (If he's a Republican, make a contribution in his name to the Democratic Party. :))

Especially ones that might be difficult to explain to the deluded piece of trash he's hooked up with. (like oh, say catalogs for sex toys, or ones where transvestites and drag queens buy their clothes.)

And don't forget adding him to the Dianetics/Scientology mailing list. He'll NEVER get off that list.

My mother used to say "you can't get mad at a rock because it isn't a loaf of bread." Laurie, he never *was* what he pretended to be. He never *was* the sustenance you needed and deserved. A rock temporarily disguised as a loaf of bread is still just a rock when you bite into it. And of course, it hurts. He is what he is. And he doesn't come even *this* close to being worthy of a woman like you.

Every day, hour or minute that you permit him to consume your life is a day, hour or minute that is wasted. Live life to the fullest. Time's a'wastin!

I hear you. I'm still hugely angry at my ex.... we broke up the day before New Years Eve in 2003 when he told me he just didn't think he could love anyone. By the following June he had met the woman he was sure he would marry and they were married less than a year later. In the intervening time I met the man I would marry, but it still smarts. Sometimes I comfort myself in thinking that she's the one who's stuck with the asshole now. :)

Okay, but here's the thing. I don't think he ever, ever got how funny and smart and cute and Goddess-ish you are. So F him.

At age 63, after a lifetime of unhappy/not-happy relationships, I met the love of my life. He happens to be a psychiatrist and one of the things he said to me early on that helped me a great deal was - anger is depression turned outward and depression is anger turned inward. I have learned that getting over depression is not an easy or quick process. Lots of people, including me, need some professional help.
One story in the how-pitiful-can-you-get category: In 1961, I married for the first time and it was wrong almost from the start. In 1962, I left him and never saw him again after 1963. I heard from friends (the kind who like to see you suffer) that he remarried, finished law school and sorta got his act together. In 2003, he died. I saw his obituary in the paper, and although by then he was a successful attorney with a fancy address, the only accomplishments mentioned in the paper were things he did during the brief time he and I were together. I felt very strange about his death and down for some weeks even though I had not seen this man IN FORTY YEARS or thought about him in years.
I spent too many years feeling like a victim and getting comfortable in that role. Picked new men who were looking for a victim-wife. Wasted years but finally learned to love myself and forgive myself. Being human is about making mistakes and we all do it. It hurts to be confronted with a mistake but it can be a chance to grow.
I'm a stranger to you so you know that I'm talking about myself in the sentences above. Just hope you see in word or phrase in it that will give you comfort.
Nora

Laurie,

Cancerians love remembering the old. When you enjoy the present and embrace the future like seem to do, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I however, need to take a lesson in this.

Good luck.

You write about the confusing and difficult aftermath of divorce so beautifully. I found out last weekend that my ex (we were married 22 years) is moving in with his girlfriend, soon to be wife #3. Even though I have "moved on," have someone new in my life, and absolutely loathe my ex, it still hurts. I have no advice for you, only compassion for what you are going through.

I left my husband five years ago and we've been divorced for three. Even though I asked for the divorce (because I couldn't bear his emotional coldness, criticism and egotism for one moment longer) it still cut me to the heart, because it felt like he forced me to kill the biggest dream I had for my life, and I railed against him for not being the man I wanted him to be. I feel lucky that he left the country and I have not heard from him again, because I would not want to know if he's remarried, if he has children with another woman, nothing at all. I still think about him all the time, but after 3 years it finally stopped hurting so bad to do it. I will never "get over it" but I have moved on. Hang in there girl.

I remember when my Mr.X remarried. It was a long time ago and it was painful for me. He remarried less than a year post-divorce, which made it seem really personal and cruel at the time. She used to babysit for us. So cliche, I know, but that felt like a knife in the gut. I can empathize with the sleepless nights, I remember them well for two reasons: 1. the divorce, and 2. the infant who wanted to eat and play with mommy's exploding boobs more than sleep. Time has helped me. Okay, a LOT of time. I hope it helps you too.

I have been reading you for a few months, since February to be exact. I have been married for one year this week, and we will be filing for divorce a year to the day. A