Absolutely! Thank you, Laurie, this one definitely made me smile!

The part where you wrote:
"There were dreadfully unhappy times when I was married and wanted out, wanted it all to be fixed, or to never have happened, desperate for happiness and terrified of leaving. I truly thought being alone was worse than staying married. How would I do it? How would I move, who would I be, if I was not his wife, if this wasn't my role, what was there? I knew it would be something, but it frankly scared the shit out of me. The logistics alone, disentangling, telling people, it felt like panic."

scared the sh*t out of me...

Are you reading my mind? I have tears in my eyes as I read this. I am having the exact same thoughts right now.

I feel like I am alone in my marriage all the time. When he doesn't "see" me and doesn't hear me - it eats me up inside. I try everything to make it better - I sacrifice myself to try to make him happy - but it never works.

I'm sorry to say my biggest fear is being alone and then having to tell people why I'm alone. I will feel like a failure.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave him. I know this is sad to say - but it may be the first time I am aware of how I am truly feeling...alone. Even though I'm not yet.

Agreed. The loneliest I've ever been was when I was in my "learning" marriage (sounds better than "starter" marriage, don't you think?), and realized I had no one to talk to. My husband was right next to me, and there was no one I could share my thoughts and feelings with, and I felt trapped because I'd made a commitment, and changed my whole life for it, and what would happen if I weren't with him in my new (miserable and lonely) life? And as long as I was married to him, I couldn't reach for what I need, or even figure out what I did need, when I wasn't being hammered with demands and complaints.

It's way worse to be lonely with someone, than to be alone. Alone is freedom -- you can do what you want, when you want, no one to complain that you go to bed too early or too late or eat wrong or want to do the wrong activities. And if you find someone worthy of your time, you can see him when it's what you actually want, rather than because you have to. Why, you can even see more than one someone!

To that hypothetical woman out there, leave already. If you're unhappy and keep doing the same things, how exactly will you be happy? What will magically change?

Laurie, you are fantastic!
I am so glad to know that I'm not the only one who reads all the comments and clicks on all the links too!
Although I'm not (and have never been) married, My particular situation with my boyfriend of three years is that he works out of town Monday through Thursday, and we live together from Thursday night to Sunday night. This routine has allowed me to keep my 'single strength' while being in a committed relationship with a man I could see easily see myself with until my time is up.
I miss him when he is working, but I have come to look forward to 'My time'.
Thanks for being you. ;)

Your self-confidence is amazing, and it's wonderful to know that there are other people out there thinking that it's okay to enjoy your time with yourself. You go, girl!

..."wonder why he is so far away, an unreachable distance."

This was me four years ago. Three years ago I left, with the generous loving support and help of my friends.

And me now? Even with friends, a beau I see every once in a while, events to go to, work, college, etc., I get lonely, but as you said, never, not once, as lonely as I was during my marriage.

Thank you for writing that...

I think you've gotten right to where you need to be. I am so glad for you, and so happy that you share your experiences with us.

Thanks for the link to my site, Laurie. I wondered why my blog traffic suddenly went from 0 to 60 in nothing flat!! ;)

And yes, your date was a HottieHotHot is what I said to you in email, to be exact! ;)

Until I stalk you next ..... ciao. :)

Laurie,
You're the best!
And I'm glad your date was hot. That makes it even better.

Seriously. I think you are fabulous.

I'm very proud of you. I, too, had a similar experience. Before my wonderful dh came along I was in a terrible relationship. We met in our sophomore year of college and stayed together for almost 6 years. We moved in together in our senior year and I went back to his hometown after graduation. He always treated me terribly; he'd tell me how ugly, stupid, fat, etc. that I was. Everything I did was wrong and there was an extreme lack of romance (I think you know what I mean). I had absolutely no idea that it was wrong; my parents didn't have a great marriage so I had no clue about how I should have been treated. I put up with him, and the awful times, year after endless year.

I met my husband at my job at an insurance agency. We were friends for over a year; great friends for the last few months. He treated me like I was amazing and I began to feel that way after time. He never called me names, loved listening to me and always told me how beautiful I was (no matter how awful I looked!) Long story short, I left my Mr. X, fell in love with DH, and married 9 months later.
Two kids and 17 years later I'm beginning to understand just how hard it was to do that. I walked away from my apartment, some of my friends and his entire family. My own family thought I was crazy. If it wasn't hard it wouldn't have been worth it, right??

Sorry this post is so long; you've been making me think a lot about my life and how I got here. I am so very proud of you; you will look back on this time as the smartest time of your life, I promise.

Were your parents okay??

I struggled with this issue several years ago -- feeling lonely but not being alone. Thankfully that particular lout and I went our separate ways after (ahem) 8 years.

I truely enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for providing me with a daily dose of insights.

Being lonely inside a marriage...especially when you married for company (a mistake, I know) is terrible sometimes. But what if you cannot justify leaving, because the other is responsible, sober, well-settled, well-meaning...? What if you feel you are what is wrong, you shouldn't ever have married anyway?

Loneliness has so many faces and none of them nice. Being alone, on the other hand, is a gift to have. Mostly.

bless you sweet Laurie....you give us all a voice. thanks again!

So glad to read this post. Bravissimo, beautiful.
(you are beautiful! Never forget it.)

I just lost my father, and that whole experience showed me how much we (can) allow fear to control us, our eyes, our hearts. When we banish fear, we are truly at peace, and isn't that the most we can ask for? Peace and love, and love is all around us, waiting until we are ready. hugs.

Such gorgeous words - thank you Laurie.

Obviously it was a good date. And obviously I have had too many bad ones lately. See when you said in your previous post about wanting that look, touch, etc., I now realize that what was going through the back of my mind was, "But what if it's the wrong person though?" I'm sure you'll agree -- it's better to do without than to get it from the wrong person.

And the lonely thing? I get it. I remember years ago being at a party or something and realizing that even though I was in a room full of people who I knew, I felt utterly alone. I went home and cried. Then I did what I always do after a good cry -- vowed to make a change. Somehow I always have to cry first before I can go and make life changes.

It's amazing, isn't it? When your life is all about Him, whoever He may be, even when the darkness seems overwhelming, you still can't imagine another life.

And then years gone by, when it's about you, not about Him, whoever He may be, you look back at those times and wonder how you did managed to get out with your soul intact.

I think, collectively, we're going to be OK.

I always find this particular dialogue to be fascinating, because as an only child, I find being by myself to be one of the natural and pleasing situations.

I prefer to go out to dinner and the movies alone, otherwise I am too distracted to really notice the amazing meal I am eating. I cannot focus at the movies if some accompanies me; I end up distracting myself by wanting make quite comments to my movie companion. Then I have go see the movie again.

And I LOVE having private time, space -- mine all mine. I find it really difficult to wake everyday and see the same person over and over again...If i'm living with anyone, I must have my own bedroom...no way around it.

I love reading your blog. I thought I would pass along this kitty-cam link, if you hadn't seen it. Maybe you should get one for your house so we can all see what they're up to when you're not there. Of course, if you brought your date home and forgot to shut it off, we'd all get a different show. :)
http://www.meowmixhouse.com/webcam.asp

WOW! You are such an inspiration girl! I am so glad I found your blog!
I am reading what you just wrote today and it made me cry! Sooo right on and very true! YOU are moving on with your life and are becoming a more secure woman. Boy, what you wrote about waking up at 3am and watching HIM sleep and feeling so alone! BOY, do I know that feeling! It is the worst! I think being alone sometimes can be the best thing! PLEASE read: Love 101! It is all about loving yourself first and foremost and realizing if the person who you are with does not love themselves then they will NEVER be able to show you love, either! VERY TRUE!

Be Happy, Live Well! Love your kitties, drink a good bottle of wine, watch the grass grow and hang with the girls! Ahhh...life could not be more grand than that! : ) : )

Well said, Laurie! Many of us know of whence you speak. Thanks for your thoughtful writings on loneliness...and courage.

as always, a lovely post.

but i have to say that i clicked on the "someone" link, and it's hilarious!

you're such a celeb.

"...who knows what it's like to come home at night and sleep in a bed next to her husband or significant other, and she feels completely alone."

Sigh...that's the worst, ain't it? But sometimes you can't recognize the light 'til you've come out of the darkness and it's really BRILLIANT when that feeling is no longer a part of your everyday life.

Mazel tov. You've come a long way, baby.

I think it's really great that you put yourself out there for other people. I've been in your shoes before too. It's a challenging and difficult place to be.

It really does get better. It is better being alone that being with someone and feeling alone.

Thanks for this and the many other posts that make me laugh, cry and think!

Cheers!

Oh yea & knit too!

I can empathize, and I second your wisely typed thoughts here. One does make it to the other side of a challenging situation and then things are in balance and at peace once again...it just takes some time. And wine or beer, or hell, BOTH.

Reading this has made me realize that my feelings of needing to step back and take some time away from him really are what I need to do. As hard as it is. Thanks.

Yay! You deserve to be out with a sweet hottie!

Wow. You are the best. I am "one of those" who has never married because (even though I've had offers) it never felt right. I had a long term relationship with someone who was inconsistent and we both stayed too long at the party out of fear.

Although I have lots of friends, I have a loner streak too and enjoy my own company. Relationships should enhance your life not deplete it. I am happy to hear that you and your bracelet bag had a date with a hottie! More power to you girl. Kat's entry in her blog is hilarious!! See what a celebrity you are??

I remember last year when I found your blog and devoured it because of posts like this one.

During my very short span of a marriage, I felt incredibly alone in that bed we shared. I distictly remember one night at around 1 in the morning, I was still awake, his back was to mine and I wanted desperately to reach my arm around him but couldn't. Something stopped me. And sadness just washed over me. Why in the world couldn't I reach him?

Being alone is much better than being in an awful deciept filled marriage. And in some ways it's scarier ("starting over" gives me heartburn).

But knowing that I wasn't alone in my thoughts, in my experience, that CAP was out there commiserating on her blog too -- that made me feel better. Gave me hope that life does go on after cheating spouses depart from their wedding vows.

Thanks, Laurie. :)

wow. this is the reason i read your blog each day. fantastic post. what an ability you have to put your feelings in words. speechless...

Great post, Laurie. I have one very good friend, who is my knitting mentor, whose husband walked out the door a month and a half ago. How I wish, I could make her see the things that you now see, but I suppose that everyone has to get there in their own time.
I know she reads your blog, so at least, I hope it give her something to think about.

I've been there. In my 20's, with a little baby and my husband just turned into someone I didn't know anymore. Alcohol, drinking and driving, night away from home, fighting, threatening. I was so scared. Didn't know what to do and where to go. Then, one night, he didn't come home. In the morning someone called me from the police station that he had been arrested for trying to kill someone with his car.
That's the moment I'll always remember. I packed his things and called his parents to pick their son from the police station and his stuff from our porch. I filed a divorse and moved as far away I could. From that day on I have been stronger than ever and survived from everything.

Now, 6,5 years later I'm happily married and have 3 kids. Sometimes the memories of my old life comes to my mind, and it still feels like it's too much but I know I'll survive. The hardest thing was and is to explain my now almost 9 years old daughter why her father doesn't want to see her anymore.

Laurie, you have to go watch this video. It's soooo cute!

http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2006/06/sleepies_sooo_s.html

It makes me miss the days when my cats were kittens.

Thank you, Laurie.

I love you for writing that.

Laurie - love everything you've had to say, and not just because it makes sense to me. But I have to tell you I'm still laughing over the picture my mind formed of you out in the back 40 hearding cats...omg

Oh my! I think I was the mayor of Lonelyville when I was married. I used to sit in my bathroom in the middle of the night (many, many times a month) and just cry my eyes out because I felt so trapped in my marriage and like you, the logistics of leaving scared me out of my mind. Since my ex and I had grown so far apart he began to even physically look different laying in the bed next to me. He truly had become a different person - one I no longer knew.

My divorce was final 2 years ago and my friends have told me my face literally looked gray when I was with him and now it's bright again. That really says alot about what unhappiness can do to a person.

Sure I've felt lonely every now and then since the divorce, but I'd rather feel lonely because I'm actually alone than lonely because I'm overwhelmed with sadness and unhappiness. Mostly I just feel alive again. Having peace in your life is a great feeling and now I am at peace even though I'm alone.

There are definitely worse things than being alone. I know -- I used to have to live with one of those "worse things." He's out of the picture now, but it took a whole lot of courage and a lot of help to get out. I, too, did all sorts of things to make it work, but when all the effort is one-sided, when the other person holds you to blame for all the problems, then progress isn't possible.

You're famous!!!

Hey, if your date was so hot, why didn't YOU take a picture?! I thought you were the true Queen of All Pictures Regardless of the Setting. :) At least your stalker *tried*!!!

Yes, happiness can (and often does) happen when and where you least expect it. I'm living proof of that. For the past 20 years, I was existing, but not living. Big difference there. Huge. I was 'going through the motions' in my life, but felt like I was stuck on auto-pilot. That "Is this all there is?" phrase was starting to play inside my head, almost constantly. And then one day, one grand, wonderful, unforgettable day, our paths crossed. The details aren't important, but let's just say that I literally fell for her. Now, two years later, I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I've got a new life with beautiful and charming wife, and things have never looked better. Even her cat seems to tolorate me! If it could happen to me, trust me, please, it could happen to any one of you. I'm living proof that you really can find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And when you finally get the chance to look inside, you won't believe how wondeful life can be.

Laurie, I wish you the same joy that I have found in my new life. I've only been reading your blog for the past year, but your potential, and your growth, continues to inspire all of us. Thanks for sharing your life with your readers, and thanks for allowing us to see inside your soul. You're much stronger than you realize, you only have to trust in yourself to realize that.

I am lucky in my marriage, but I have definitely been in a long-term relationship that was horribly lonely. My ex used to deliberately ignore me, refusing to answer anything I said, or even to acknowlege my presence in the room. It was crazy and cruel and miserable, and I was incredibly fortunate to eventually get out.

One thing I have never done, though, and always regretted: I have never been adult and single for any significant length of time. I love my marriage, but it sometimes unnerves me that I don't know who I am outside of relationships. My husband is older than I am, and I'm terrified of the day when I will finally have to find out.

WEEHOOO
I am doing a happy dance at my desk for you.
You are such a beautiful spirit and I am SO happy to hear you were on a date.
That looks like it went well (kisses on the neck and all)!!
WEEHOOO (still happy dancing)

You know, I was at one point that dreadfully lonely woman at 3 in the morning. I should have left - it would have been the honest thing to do. I'd discovered that the "other man" I'd fallen desperately in love with returned my feelings. But I was too scared of the consequences - of not knowing where to live, of knowing I'd failed my husband who had done nothing wrong, but had simply lost the connection somewhere along the way. (Whether we lost the connection because I'd fallen for someone else, or I fell for someone else because we'd lost the connection I never could work out.) I was scared of letting my family down, scared that if I couldn't make this marriage work I'd never make any marriage work, scared that the new heady feelings weren't real and lasting.

So I stayed - to start with I stumbled into staying rather than choosing to stay - in fact it was my husband who made the choice to stay with me, when the other relationship fell apart. He was the one who helped to put me back together again when I was utterly broken.

And now? Now we have two wonderful children (I'm afraid that's cliched but true - it's impossible for me to be objective about them), and we're happy together - our marriage isn't perfect, but no marriage anywhere is.

I love to follow your progress! You write so beautifully, whether it's comedy or tragedy. You sound GOOD, and that makes me happy. Thanks for sharing.

And your date was a hottie? Busted!

Powerful entry.
I remember feeling that way in my first marriage, too.

They are unmercifully flogging me at work so I have zero time to write anything even halfway intelligent, but I have managed to read your posts everyday, and I am so glad to see you are really truly popping out on the other end of the Bad Times. And you are bigger and better and BADDER than ever! Yay Purl!! Way to go!! we knew you would get there!! Yay!!

Dagny - I owe you an email. When they stop flogging me I will send some some links to vintage websites so that you can finally find that summertime Lily Pulitzer dress of your dreams! :-)

I don't understand why you're not published yet. Another beautiful post.

Oh Laurie...

1.) Glad to hear you were on a date.
2.) New dates are so much fun!

Thanks for writing about the gory details of an ending marriage and the whole 9 yards. I am sure it was very tough and I hope you never have to be so lonely again.

You should know that you made me cry at work. I look like a putz right now. Good thing everyone else is stuck in their offices.

I'm in the middle of "There were dreadfully unhappy times when I was married and wanted out, wanted it all to be fixed, or to never have happened, desperate for happiness and terrified of leaving. I truly thought being alone was worse than staying married. How would I do it? How would I move, who would I be, if I was not his wife, if this wasn't my role, what was there? I knew it would be something, but it frankly scared the shit out of me. The logistics alone, disentangling, telling people, it felt like panic."

Except I'm not scared of being alone. It's all the other things plus a feeling of failure and disappointment. Thank you for posting this. You give me strength.

i know one day soon i will leave my home and your word give me hope of a better tomorrow. thank you.

My parents are fine, thank you for asking Liz!

Thank you all for the input. I never realized that writing like this would become a group effort, and it is. I really felt the day I saw this URL on the WSJ, it was a victory for all of us, for "Team Crazy" LOL because each person who contributes a little piece of herself (or himself) here is a part of it. (Except the stupid spammers of course. We do not want your phentermine. Go away!)

And next time ya'll see me out stop by and say hey!! Except maybe not so much of the mentioning of the b-l-o-g because I don't tell anyone about it. Poor Mr. Date got no idea ;)

first off... love the blog, CAP. you are one nifty lady!

“But what if you cannot justify leaving, because the other is responsible, sober, well-settled, well-meaning...? What if you feel you are what is wrong, you shouldn't ever have married anyway?”

It’s this comment that someone left that I am feeling. This guy I am with is really nice, loving, understanding, etc. I have learned a lot being with him. He has never called me any names ever, I have never thought of any verbal or physical abuse to ever possibly come from him. There are some gaps though, but there were many more gaps a year or two ago. How do you know that you should stick it out because things will get better? Because I have no frickin’ clue...

I wish I could find some sort of magic portal that would let me come out on the other side without having to go through the split up. That's the part I'm so afraid of. that and the immediate aftermath.

Have you heard the new dixie chicks song, Not Ready to Make Nice? There is a line in there that goes? They say time heals all wounds, but I'm still waiting. Girl....I think you are getting there...I really do.
Crazy about that stalker chick. CRAZY! (Wonder if she was my secret sister? As I would Totally do the same thing!LOL!)

“But what if you cannot justify leaving, because the other is responsible, sober, well-settled, well-meaning...? What if you feel you are what is wrong, you shouldn't ever have married anyway?”

Personally, I think you don't have to justify leaving.

He never justified it to me. Think about this: He said, "I need my creativity back." What sort of bullshit excuse is that for leaving a marriage? But he left, and in a way he set me free. Because I should have left long ago, but I was too committed to being married to leave. See? I was committed to BEING MARRIED. Not to happiness or love or companionship or friendship or family or desire above all other... no. Above all other, i was keeping my promise made before God and everyone. I did love him, but in the end I wonder if I even knew him, he became a stranger to me.

I don't tell people in my real life why he and I divorced. When someone asks me I say, "It just didn't work out." Surprisingly enough, that usually is sufficient for people.

If they press me, I say "Sometimes two really good people just don't work things out. It happens." And they stop... because it's true. Sometimes two really good people just don't work in a marriage.

I don't have all the answers either, it's been a shitty hard road to figure out the little bits I have insight into. But I know in my heart that if I can do it, and I'm just a regular girl with regular problems and rather ordinary in so many ways... if I can do this and make it through it alive, than I know you can too. I promise.

What a touching post. Thanks so much for sharing your feelings with all of readers.

"There were dreadfully unhappy times when I was married and wanted out, wanted it all to be fixed, or to never have happened, desperate for happiness and terrified of leaving." certainly struck a chord as did a few of your other statements.

It's so hard to make a decision when there are 3 others involved and I've bounced from one possiblilty to another over the last few years. Still trying to find a happy place as a 'complete unit' but .......

you are such a gifted writer!!! everything you have been going thru reminds me of me a few years ago.

nearly three years ago i was in a very bad spot (cheated on, betrayed, etc) but like you said in today's post === you come out on the other side. and in my case, i came out on the other side GRATEFUL and GLAD that i didn't have that person in my life anymore! the 2006 me is kicking the 2003 me for having been sad about it in the first place =)

yay for introspection!

thank you for pointing out the determined to being married part. i hadn't thought of it that way. yay for shared insight!

so do people who are "happily married" have questions like this? like, do they seriously think about leaving the other person? do they ever think suddenly that they don't really know the other person? that they could be happier apart?

(apologies if these seem to be elementary questions... it just seems that there are a lot of people here who might be able to give advice because i feel i have no one to ask this stuff to)

Yep.
No matter how hard this being alone thing can get (eight years) there is nothing worse than being together-yet-truly-alone to me.

And cute date?
Huzzah!

L,

You are a beautiful writer, a beautiful woman, and a beautiful soul. Thank you for opening up such a deep well of shared female experience... It's funny how we can sometimes forget that we're never alone in what we're feeling, even if it seems that way at the time.

I seem to be finding similar experiences to yours everywhere I look these days. Have you heard of a book called Eat, Pray, Love? I just picked it up and haven't been able to put it down. SO good--about a woman moving on from a painful divorce through Italy, India, and Indonesia.

Speaking of books... When are you going to publish yours? :-)

Loneliness is a strange animal...stranger than our cats! I never felt like a lonely person when I was single, but now, I do feel it when Joe isn't around for me. That scares me just a bit. And then, I found myself with the chance to be completely alone the other night, and I loved it. But you are right -- even when you've made a new life for yourself, that human connection, the touch, the little sweet kiss just means so much. I hope you find that very soon.

you are such a gifted writer!!! everything you have been going thru reminds me of me a few years ago.

nearly three years ago i was in a very bad spot (cheated on, betrayed, etc) but like you said in today's post === you come out on the other side. and in my case, i came out on the other side GRATEFUL and GLAD that i didn't have that person in my life anymore! the 2006 me is kicking the 2003 me for having been sad about it in the first place =)

yay for introspection! and here's a picture of a cutie cat to cheer up your day, i love all your cute cat pics!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ilikeredbean/156013152/

CAP,

Loved the piece! Isn't it queer what we, as women, will put ourselves through just out of the fear of being alone? I read through the comments above and hear the same thing each time...why couldn't I get through to him? Why couldn't I reach him? Coming to the conclusion that perhaps you never will is a scary thing.

I ended a long-term relationship a few months back and moved out of the house and into a tiny place of own. I stayed for 12 months too long. My quiet, small life now will be infintely better than my half-life with that man.

Keep living out loud and sharing your wonderful gift with the world!

what's really cool is all the great people who have come together because of your excellent writing, people who have something to share.

Thank you.

I didn't know I was lonely and in a relationship until I was literally unable to breathe. I'd be in bed, trying to fall asleep and feel like I was suffocating. Not a Good Thing.

I left that bad relationship eight years ago. I should have left five years earlier. In the past eight years of aloneness I moved across country, attended and graduated from law school, took 5 European vacations (one completely alone), moved into a beautiful apartment on a river, learned to knit, studied yoga, took art classes, adopted two cats and made friends I would never have come in contact with if I had stayed. Turning 35 was a big wake up call for me. I realized I wasn't going to live forever and I had things to do, people to see and places to go that he didn't want to do with me. When I say I am single these days the most common response I get is envy.

Long-time lurker, first-time commenter... :) I just wanted to say that you are a truly amazing woman! Keep on keepin' on.

Hahaha, Kat... too funny. I thought of going to the stinking rose also since I'm close, but decided against it specifically because of the stalking issue. We should have a SFV Crazy aunt purl night soon, I think that would be fun.

I'm finally getting it through my thick skull that there are worse things than being single and lonely.

Thanks for this post Laurie. My divorce was a few years ago, and everything you said about finding yourself resonated with me. It's been lovely to read about what you've been through and watch the ever-more-gorgeous being you're blossoming into really emerge. I think I share a tear with most everyone when you put yourself out there like that.

Thanks for being you.

(and i would totally blog stalk you in public, but then i'd tell you about it :D)

You should really consider writing a book. you are very very expressive and have tons of detail. I love reading your blogs...You sound like a spunky, fun loving person....You're prince charming will come and he will sweep you off your feet....I know my relationship is going 6 years strong after being lost in lombo for over 10 years!!! Stay strong....

This is an interesting discussion for me, mostly because I left my husband because eh would never leave me alone. Ever. If I went to the store without him, he would pout. If he had to work, and I hd the day off, he would be upset if I enjoyed myself. I've always enjoyed being alone, having time to think, walk, shop, clean the house, paint, cook, and so on. He actually said once, "I can't understand how you can be happy if I'm not there." He was jealous of my time with myself. I have never felt so suffocated. Getting out was liking breathing fresh air. But not I'm afraid to get too close to someone. I never want that situation again. I've been with my current boyfriend six years, and we still don't live together. I don't know if that's the best choice, or a choice made of fear. It's hard to see one's own motives.

Just wanted to add my voice to the many before me: You are not alone. And good for you for finding out who you are and doing it on your own while you're still young, rather than waiting for far too long, trying to fix something that's broken beyond repair!

Been there. Done that. Better now. Being happy again is amazing.

You have a beautiful way of writing how a great many of us have felt, either presently or in the past.

As a woman who's recently been divorced and knows very well the feeling of complete terror, I understand exactly what you've been through and how it feels to come out the other side.

Kudos to you m'lady... Kudos!

What a beautiful, beautiful post.

You know it's funny. I've been single for all of my life and for such a long time that the thought of having to give up my independence terrifies me the way divorce and singleness might terrify a long-married gal. When Oprah talked about it the other day with Lance Armstrong's former wife, about how she (Oprah) didn't want to get married because she didn't want to lose her independence and most importantly, herself, in a marriage, I could totally relate to that. Two-becoming-one is just as terrifying to some of us as one-becoming-two. Not that there are all these offers flying around in MY life, but, the mere thought of uprooting my life for someone is not a pleasant to me. So perhaps it's the uprooting that is the scary part, and even though I cannot say I know the pain of divorce, I can relate to your pain because of that commonality to the human experience - the pain and scaryness of the Major Life Upheaval in whatever form it takes.

Kudos to you for offering to others the fruits of encouragement grown from the fertile soil of your suffering. I think that's the only way to truly survive and succeed after a loss.

Grrl, will you please write a book already?

I was in that same spot, so alone in my marriage. And for so long, it was easier to stay, then one day, it was easier to leave. I was finally ready. And as with so many women, the scary partis how are we going to make a living. Well, it is not as easy with one income, but I would rather be alone eating ramen, and broke, than be with him, eating steak and not broke.

Laurie, if you write a book, we will all buy it and then you can make a lot of money, like Ms. Yarn Harlot, and that would be the ultimate fuck off to mr X. Now wouldn't that be a fun thing to do?

Everything you said makes perfect sense, Laurie.

Its amazing how many people have been in the same place that you decribed Laurie....

I left an aweful relationship 2 1/2 years ago. My live-in boyfriend finally pushed me over the edge and one day while he went to work (he was a teacher) and to coach a lacross game that evening, I threw what little I owned into a moving truck, and my puppy and I got into the cab and drove away. I left everything behind- all the furnature and household stuff we had bought together.... everything. I took my dog, clothes, and books. That night I slept on a my new mattress that I had bought the day before holding my puppy and sobbing. At that moment I felt so alone- there I was: a brand new grad student in North Carolina, with no friends, no boyfriend, and 3,000 miles from home.

Over a period of 2 1/2 years tried to straighten my life out, although I fell flat on my face a few times, but after I ended my last (bad) relationship 5 months ago I took a hard look at myself and decided it was time for me to just be with me.

This past Monday a friend threw me a birthday party- she invited some close friends and colleagues and everyone brought a ton of sweet things. My friend made me a birthday cake, complete with 27 candles and writing on it, and they all sang happy birthday to me... and I blew out the candles, and we sat around for several hours stuffing ourselves with cake, making stupid jokes that academics make, etc.

I left my party so happy and content... I realized that I didn't need a man to make me feel good about myself. I had friends that loved me who would take an afternoon to bake me a homemade cake and to sing bithday wishes to me in falsetto...

And that was a really a good feeling, to know that I was finally really happy with myself, and my life.

i was thinking the same thing as lucia while reading this post. you need to go publisher-hunting. it's book deal time.

I could have written this: "Because in all this time alone during the past alomost two (!) years, I have never felt as lonely as I did during parts of my marriage."

In fact, I could have written the whole damn post. I was divorced almost 2 years ago after 8 years of marriage. I thought about leaving many times, but couldn't/wouldn't for the very reasons you articulated.

I finally left when I found out about his girlfriend. I was sooo afraid to be alone. I was afraid I'd never marry again and be alone forever, blah blah blah. I was ashamed to say I was divorced.

It’s now almost 2 years later and guess what? The fact that I’m divorced no longer bothers me. I may never marry again and that’s fine with me. I’m not lonely and I love living alone (with my zoo of critters).

I went through hell to get where I am today but it was worth it.

i've looked over at him in bed, and wondered "how the f*ck can he sleep with such a muddled conscience?!". how does he live his life, lashing out and taking inventory? and .9 of a bottle of cab? was it one of those big gianormous 1.5 litre bottles? that would make more sense. i'm feeling a bit bitter. why? because i have tried. and i try. and i see that he's trying too. but, when you scrape the bottom, you realize that the foundation is cracked. it can't be repaired. i must break the news to him. i did recently, but he managed to charm himself back into the picture. it is better to be alone vs. lonely. it is. i know this. it's just hard to let go when the other person keeps hanging on!
oh, and i have more than one blog .... the *linky dink* is second from the bottom of *bloglandia*. ... see you on the other side ;)

and to anyone that thinks being alone is a failure, that is WRONG! it is better to be alone and happy vs. being with someone and miserable. we only have this one life. why should we spend it unhappy and miserable?!

Laurie, you are my hero!! I love this post.

I am afraid to admit that "that someone" who saw you was my sister, AND I berated her for not going over to say hi, EVEN if she was embarrassed because she was stalking you. LOL. We both love you to death, and I still can't believe that she didn't get up and go say hi to you and your hottie.

So know that you have at least two stalkers - but the GOOD kind of stalkers. Really. We promise.

You truly are a beautiful spirit. If I lived closer to LA I'd try to stalk you to be your friend!

Thanks for always sharing your thoughts and being so honest. I'm not sure that I could do the same. It is much appreciated.

I'm happily married to my second husband now and felt that exact way in my first marriage for YEARS without having the courage to do anything about it. I remember asking a therapist friend "how do couples know that they're ready to get divorced?" and she said "well, most couples wait far too long, and by that time it's obvious they can't wait another day."

I read recently that people who were at some point happily married are very likely to get married again, and in fact often remarry before people who have always been single

Whoops, hit "post" too soon.

So previously married people get married sooner & more often than people who have never been married. I suppose that's fairly obvious, as the never married population includes plently of people who intend never to marry, and the previously married population kind of self identifies as being pro-marriage.

I find myself as a happily married woman having to defend myself to my single friends for liking being married, when what they want to talk about is how hard it is to meet someone and how horrible it must be to be married.

I often think the fundamental difference is an open mind and a willingness to compromise.

I remember not wanting to tell people that he had left. Not because I was scared to be alone, because I felt like I'd failed. I also tried a long time because I felt I was committed to my marriage vows.

I would tell the person who said she was scared, it is hard to make these changes but it is so worth it. You come out on the other side stronger. This is your life we're talking about. You deserve to be happy.

I remember not wanting to tell people that he had left. Not because I was scared to be alone, because I felt like I'd failed. I also tried a long time because I felt I was committed to my marriage vows.

I would tell the person who said she was scared, it is hard to make these changes but it is so worth it. You come out on the other side stronger. This is your life we're talking about. You deserve to be happy.

Thanks, CAP. I would buy your book as well.

We love-stalk you because you are us and we are you, and your voice is so damn truthsome.

Once again, Laurie, all I can really do is thank you for sharing so openly. I'm in that yucky Place right now, and I'm beginning to question why. I've thought for years that doing the Right Thing meant staying married, holding it together, no matter what, because of the kids. No one could tell me differently. Then, one day a few months ago, it fell out of the sky and hit me hard: staying in this abusive, destructive relationship is harming the boys, not helping them. Suddenly the Right Thing became giving my boys a peaceful home, not perfect but not unstable and abusive.

Thank you for reminding all of us in the Yucky Place right now that every day moves us a little bit closer to being out of It. We just have to remember to keep moving -- we can't change direction at all if we stand still.

For those ladies out there:

Let me give you a different perspective.
I'm 45 and have been married for 19 years.
My wife stays at home. Not because she has to, but because she wants to.

And yet, I work in a white collar job. I also...
cook, clean, do laundry, shop, get my daughter ready for school each day, and lately, pick her up from school each day, and also do all of the driving.

My wife does not drive. She takes me completely for granted. I'm EXPECTED to do all those things.

And I can't tell you the hundreds of times I have been denied affection. And what little affection I get I have to initiate.

I don't expect a lot. I just want someone to be my partner, to share in the work, the joy, the love. and the pain.

I'm a nice guy, and I have finished last.
Now.....the kicker......

My wife has Lupus. She is a walking pharmacy. And I truly believe that if she didn't have health insurance, she would be dead within a year.

So, I can't just walk away.

Just to let you know, the path works both ways.

I've been reading forever and never posted (the blog-stalking thing, you know...), but I have to say that your ability to put all of these feelings into words (and in such an amazing, concise way!!) is incredible. I have felt all of this at one point or another and instantly go back to that pit-in-the-stomach feeling when I read your posts.

My one-however lame and unwanted-piece of advice is that you marry an airline pilot. :) They are gone a lot so you have lots of that wonderful independent, all about me, watch girly movies, eat popcorn for dinner, hog the clicker, examine the belly button, pluck eyebrows time. It's balanced quite nicely with the couple time, and hey....pass benefits and all the travel you can get :).

If there is a God/good karma/feline deity out there I will be able to split a bottle of wine with you someday! You rock!! :)

Hey Steve, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it seems to me that your marriage is uneven. That's not fair to you.

Somehow there is solace in reading other people's trials, tribulations... and the victories in the end. I was not married but thought that he was it. I was going to up root everything about me - to be next to him. Thank you for sharing your words, reminding me that just because there is a title and a ring, doesn't necessarily make it right or work.

I'm going through all you wrote about (the before part) right now. I can't blog about it right now, he reads my blog.

I have a back-up plan in place and kids who want to help me. But I understand the feeling of being alone and of fear of the future. I'll be leaving a good life for Social Security and a pension.

It goes on.

Ohhhh Kayyyyy! Laurie, I'm so glad to read this, and to know that you are seeing this side of things. I'm sad that your marriage left you so lonely and that Mr X did his number on you, but girl, you seriously rock! You are bright and talented and amazingly funny and you've been needing to give yourself all the credit you're due.

I got married my sophomore year of college and we grew apart after 8 years into two people sharing a house, meals, pets, etc. No pain, not much of anything. Then I was single for over 9 years. Sometimes that was very very good. Sometimes I got very lonely and lonesome, and drank too much and so on. And a couple of times I hit a bottom a long, LONG way down.

By a miracle I met my loving and lovable DH 20 years ago, and now through knitting and some other sometimes-painful changes in my life I'm much happier and never so lonely. I'm not the person I was, but I like myself a lot better.

You have a lot of close friends and blog and knitting friends, and they like you a lot. There are more of them than otherwise, so believe them, OK?

Steve...if you check back.....you've described a lot of aspects of my life. I've been ill with lupus for the last 10 years. I am a stay at home mom but want desperately to have a life of my own. Medically that's not possible (for now) but I try to fight back every single day. As you know with your wife, somedays housework is too much. I'm sure she feels just as bad as you do about the burdens that you carry. I know I do.

Have you considered seeing a counselor...there are some that exclusively deal with illness in families. she needs to hear how you feel. she may be so deeply depressed that she's turning the anger and hurt she feels about herself onto you. I understand, and it sucks. I'm so sorry.

Laurie,
Give the kitties a smooch from me and have a great night. I hope you know how much your friendship means to me. ;o)

Hey Laurie, how does it feel having your own papparatzi???? LOL!

Laurie, I'm SOOO happy that you had a date! It sounds like it was great. I think you are also able to put into words what few people are honest enough to admit that they feel...I've been there, and nevermore will I go down that road. The guy in my life now is 360 degrees different from the bad one, and it is amazing what I was missing, what I let myself go through back in the day...it really takes a lot of guts to pull it all back together and trust and love again, and if anyone can do it, I'm convinced that you can!

You're such an inspiration. I've never been married but stayed with a guy I was engaged to for a lot longer than I should have because I was scared to be alone and to walk away and start over.

It wasn't easy walking away, and at first I was terrified, but as time goes by, it gets easier and easier.

I have major social anxiety, I don't like being around strangers, I'm very self conscious, but reading this post, and some other ones you wrote make me feel a little better about me. Thank you for that.

Girl... if you could only read your words from our side.. and see how far you have come. I have been stalk..er, reading your blog for a long long time now, and I smiled out loud (kind of like living out loud) for you. ((cyberhugs))

The thing that I always try to remember is that you cannot do a marriage on your own. If someone is closed to you and pushing you away you can't make them turn around and change. Us women just start yelling to get through to a man who is shut down, unfortunately that makes them more shut down. But. The truth is that, even if we were to just stay in the distance, that just makes the rift between you bigger.
So, it takes two to make it work. It takes a man who is constantly seeking after you and trying to communicate with, risking being close to you to make it work.
Cheers
Mia

Wow. Your post gave me chills. This is my worst fear in my marriage (two GOOD years and counting!). I fear that suddenly, one day he'll just up and leave. Or we'll slowly grow distant to each other and the peaceful, loving silences that we have now will transform into ugly, uncomfortable silences. (shiver) Let's just not think about that right now.

PS: I have cute kitty pics on my blog. I'm just sayin'...

I love your writing and pictures and cats and humor. About your little p.s.... OMG. The thought of 'dropping by' The Stinking Rose for a drink so I could sneak a peek at CAP totall crossed my mind!! I sometimes wonder if I will run into you somewhere seeing as though we live in the same city and I pass the same gas stations and streets you take pictures of all the time. I have also seriously though of dropping by that little knitting circle at The Grove, except... I have only ever 'thought' of knitting and never actualy tried it, and it's so far to the grove with the traffic I would have to wait to find someone to carpool with... anyway. I think you officially need an LA meet and greet with all your fans. Such fun! :)

All right Laurie! So your going out on a date with Mr. McHottie and didn't tell us. Hope you had fun.

You need to give all of us in blog land a code word to use in case we run into you in public.

My friend Rhett and I refer to CAP as our friend Laurie in California (so as not to alert the folks at work, or the grocery store, or whatever). A code word for CAP sightings is a great idea.

I have soooo been there, with the alone together feeling-twice even. And I am here to tell ya' it is much, much better on the other side. No more wondering what I'm doing wrong, what I could do better, why am I not good enough? All I can say is-if it's not good, go! Life is too short, and it is YOUR LIFE after all. Happy (or even sad) alone is way better than lonely together.

Laurie, you rock. Your willingness to put your feelings into (awe-inspiring, amazingly well written) words is so courageous. My marriage has just made it past a rough patch that had me thinking and feeling similar things... I'm glad to say that we both wanted to rebuild and are well into doing so, but I also know that isn't the case for some.

Your words may have just given someone the courage to take an honest look at their own situation, or at the very least, the reassurance that they are not alone in feeling this way.

Oh, and frapgirl's stalking post? Freaking hysterical!

If I ever run into you, Laurie (not likely since I live on the other side of the country, but I can always hope), I will try to work "cap" into my greeting, as in, "Laurie, how lovely to see you! What a way to cap an evening!"

About that book: how about a Southern gothic romance mystery? Sue Grafton claims she decided to write her series after spending too many nights thinking of ways to bump off her ex and not wanting to let so many good ideas go to waste. Then again, I would read any book of whatever genre you chose to write, including a cookbook.

I think it's wonderful that you can touch so many people with your words (and also inspire them).
I wish I was as good at expressing myself, I stumble over my words and it never comes out right. So I hope you realize what a special gift you have!

Sometimes I wonder I am like anyone else. We all live so focussed on our own lives, its hard to find voice to all those things you are thinking. And then you read something that makes your heart hurt because 'that's how I feel!' and "I know that feeling, that hurt, the tingling and numbing sensations that go along with that feeling." All I can think is..Hey, I'm not alone..

I sure do love you!

PS. you are famous!

Paivi wrote: "I've been there. In my 20's, with a little baby and my husband just turned into someone I didn't know anymore. Alcohol, drinking and driving, night away from home, fighting, threatening. I was so scared. Didn't know what to do and where to go. "

Last night I told my husband I wanted a divorce for much the same reason. He turned into a strange person I no longer knew. For the last month we've been separated and he has been doing nothing but telling me how I'm a terrible decision maker, I'm making the worst decision of my life, and that I will ruin our 3-year old daughter's life. And it's my fault he turns into an angry, raging, bust-a-hole-in-every-door-of-our-house alcoholic freak because I don't have enough empathy for him if I say something that hurts his feelings. I've been so confused. But I finally had to take a stand, and I've been so guilty because still today he has been insulting me for my decision and telling me he feels sorry for anyone who will be with me in the future.

Laurie, your blog and all these comments have helped me more than all of you will ever know. I feel like I can move on now with more strength. Laurie you are the greatest, I love your blog and it fills me with glee and understanding. THANK YOU!!!!

speaking of stalking, this is my first ever time to drop a comment. i always feel like it's not my place to partake, so i prefer lurking. but given this post, i thought i'd say – from one young and fabulous cat lady to another – props to you.

there's nothing better than being alone and liking it.

I remember the lonely. It sucked. I seem to recall a quote something like "Alone in a crowd is lonely, alone with two is the lonliest place on earth."
So glad you realized that you can't be true to yourself and sacrifice everything for another. Keep up the strong!

Hi Laurie,

Love you blog - always witty and entertaining.

On the weird side though you give me lots of insight into what I think my mum has / is going through with her recent divorce and I think it's helping me to be supportive of her so thank you very much for that and keep up the good work.

Wow again - I didn't have time to read all the other comments, but you amaze me with how you seem to be able to connect with so many people and relate so well to all us and all of our little differences. (Well, most anyway, right?) You always have these insights that I can relate to and you express yourself so well. You really should write a book, you know! (It can be illustrated with wine labels and cat pictures.)

I'm very, very happy for you, Laurie. I'm not sure what else to say. I'm moved by your wisdom and vulnerability.

Yes. It has been nearly a year since he left a 12 year marriage. Nearly a year since I sacrificed, yet again, to try to change myself into what he wanted me to be, to try to FIX myself because he insisted it was me not him. I too, stayed for the marraige (told myself it was for the learning - I had 'Picked" him after all and there are no mistakes. Must mean I just Have To Work Harder) - stayed because I believe in love. Stayed because of our beautiful children and I could not Would not cause that kind of pain in them. And I re-quadipled my efforts to change.

And he left anyway.

And I am a survivor today. It truly feels like I have survived a traumatic and abusive time of my life (the marriage) where I nearly lost my life as well. I came too damn close. I lost myself in the marriage. And I think today, that this is inherint in the institution: it is oppressive to women.

I understand the fear. I understand the confusion - that maybe there is more work we have to do, maybe we have to try harder, be different, less demanding, less passionate, less alive. And it's all lies.

We are meant to be our highest vision of ourselves. And when the marriage tries to squelch that, then it's time to bravely move on.

My regret is that I was not the one to leave. How very empowering that would've been.

lost myself in the marriage.

My 2 cents isn't worth 2 cents...so I guess I shouldn't comment.
So I won't.
Thanks.

Oh, my. I am shocked to recognise myself in your words. Lonely. Busy getting my wings sorted. Happy to hear you had a hot date!!

I read this and cried. Thousand's of miles away from across the Atlantic and you have the ability to transcend borders. To recognise yourself in someone else's thoughts can be heartbreaking but also liberating as it gives you the hope that however shitty things are at the moment there is a chance you will come out the other side able to look back it all with a wry smile. After 8 and a half years I have come to the conclusion that the relationship I'm in isn't where I want to be. I can't compete with the alcohol anymore. It's not as if he's abusive with drink, more that he fails to admit to himself the impact that his drinking has had on his health and his lack of motivation. When you sit across the living-room from them looking at them with disgust as they slouch with half-closed eyes because they are drunk again (but they only have 1 or 2 drinks a night!) then it is time to go. I know I'll have to give up the "big" house and some of the lifestyle we've achieved but I'd rather do that than get more and more disgusted with him. I've had to fix myself up from years of depression, at some points suicidal, to learning to like myself and build confidence in my own abilities. I'm only sorry that I couldn't help him do the same but until he's ready to do that for himself it isn't going to happen.

Thank you for saying out loud what has been going round in my head and heart for so long now. I can't wait to be in the place you are now and hope that I make it to LA to meet you so I can salsa dance, knit and even try garlic ice-cream with you. You are a star!

One word: PROFOUND!

We would all stalk you, but I would try not to do it while you are on a date. Wish she'd gotten the picture because we all want to see the cute guy. You can be so proud of yourself. Some women never learn the tough lessons you have in the past two years. It's okay to be on your own. Don't ever settle.

:)

*hug*

I can't leave my name this time, but for all the women who wrote about alcoholic husbands, especially the ones who blame their wives for their drinking - PLEASE get counseling! I have been there too - only it was crack, not booze. It tore our marriage apart. And yes, he blamed me. Said I was a bitch and a shrew and even accused me of having affairs. It wasn't very pleasant. He finally got off the stuff, but in the process, turned against me. I was the enemy because I took away his best friend (the crack). Anyway, it nearly destroyed me. Counseling saved me. I can't tell you all to leave your husbands, but I can tell you two things. Its NOT YOUR FAULT. And, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Get counseling. Leave, if its for the best. But don't let him destroy you. Purl popped out on the other end,I popped out on the other end, and so can you. Purl, I apologize for using your blog as a soapbox, but some of those posts just really hit me hard.

My pastor reminds us that the loneliest people are married- single people at least have a reason for being lonely, and usually know to surround themselves with friends so they won't be.

That was so beautifully written. You break my heart and give me hope.

I am so proud of all of you for gaining such insight early in your lives. It took me 21 years in a marriage that should have run it's course after 10. (at the most) Only after I finally got up the gumption to leave did I realize how many lonely people there were trapped in that same empty place we all seem to know so well. I talked to so many of them in chat rooms. Yes, I visited a lot of chat rooms in those days because I didn't have a lot of friends that I could count on for support and it really did help talking to people who were in the same boat. And man, the chat world is full of us. As unbelievable to me as it still sounds, I met my now husband in one. We were married on Millenium Eve and have had the best years of my life since. It's amazing to wake up every day with a man who adores me and tells me so daily, compared to what I knew before. The great part is time really does heal...I hardly remember the emptiness, unless I am just wanting to remind myself of how great things are now so I never take it for granted.

Laurie, you are blessed with a group here that truly care about you...even if none will ever meet you. We obviously are all very proud of your growth and you give so much back with your words that inspire and are also such a hoot!

Thanks for letting this old veteran of the "been there-lived through it" club spout off...back to my lurking now.

awwwwwwwww congrats!!!! as cheesy as this sounds, your blog is a constant source of inspiration to me (knitting and life-wise)

I've known that awful, awful loneliness. The wonderful man who asked me out because he was seeking, in his words, "friendship and companionship" left me with neither after the kids were born and he drowned himself in his role of good provider by spending too much of his life, and ours, at the office or in the basement or in the barn doing home projects, or out being a public do-gooder. His view of life, optimistic to the point of absurdity, implicitly branded me as weak and dependent for wanting a normal amount of couple and family time. I would have been happy for settle for family time only, but even that went by the wayside as his work hours grew longer and longer. When I asked my kids whether they minded me working full-time (starting before dawn so I could be home with them after school), they said no, mine seemed like a little part-time job by comparison. When our teenagers eventually developed emotional and legal problems that even they partially attributed to lack of attention from them (even though I was always careful never to speak ill of him to them), it dawned on me that maybe I hadn't been the wrong one all this time! Maybe he was! I've spent the last several years scared to death, in therapy to deal with the ripple effects of my children's sexual abuse, depression, self-injury, drug use, arrests, underachievement, promiscuity, therapy, meds. DH eventually came to accept small, assigned tasks in dealing with them, then went on to grow much closer to being an equal parent. They're in college now, and seem to be on the way to normal, healthy lives. I don't mind his long hours now that they no longer affect the kids. I rely much more on myself for friendship and companionship. We are back to our original happy 1970's dating relationship in which neither of us places too many demands on the other. Our relationships with our children have grown stronger, too. We are looking forward to an early retirement, finally spending the time together he always promised.

There are many different kind of wringers to go through, not just divorce, and I wouldn't wish mine on anyone. I eventually came out on the other side stronger, more compassionate, and more confident of my own worth.

For me, the decison to honor my commitments to marriage and family was the right one. But if I had felt that awful, extended loneliness in the years before we had kids? I would have left in a heartbeat. I still reserve the right to leave, knowing that I can handle life on my own because that's what I've been doing for years.

Sorry to be so long-winded and bitter-sounding. CAP, I truly love you and your blog-stalkers and look forward to buying your book that celebrates all of us!

I have known such loneliness. In my first marriage, my favorite fantasy was about having a stepford wife made in my image so I could make my escape. The saddest part of the fantasy was that I knew in my heart of hearts he wouldn't even know the difference.

He eventually crossed a line and I left to save my life/soul and to teach my young son about healthy relationships. I'm now married to a true mate. My husband isn't much into the physical compliments, but for me, those kinds of words don't hold much meaning. Besides, I'm 47 years old and know that I will never again rock anyone's world, in that physically attractive kind of way.

But dammit if I don't feel loved and sexy and attractive and "known" on a daily basis through playful teasing and finishing one another's thoughts and sharing a knowing glance at the grocery store, standing in the cashier's line behind some character or another.

It's out there for you. I Promise.

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words, ladies.

Did I mention that I have incredibly thick skin?
And I am very morally centered and do the right thing.

Words cannot begin to describe the situation I am in. However, I am a trooper.

Really? You read them all? I read all the time but I generally don't post comments b/c by the time I do there are like 150 here :) I figure I'd get lost.

Let me just add that I think you are brave to put this out there, because while I think a lot of us have gone through moments like that (reading the comments I know I'm not alone!) we don't often share about it.

I'm rooting for you!

Whoa! This post really hit me where I live. I feel like you just described my life. Then when I read Steve's reply to it, I felt like he was living the male equivalent to my life. And to read a lot of the other replies, to realize that I'm not the only one going through all this. . .

I am trying to get strong enough to either make the situation better, or if I can't, to finally leave and get on with a different life. Y'all make me believe I might just be able to do the second, even if I can't do the first.

I love Kat's Caffeine's Stalker Story!! I would have done the same thing! GO KAT!

CAP - there is always someone out there going through these things, then we move on and find new trouble to get into, it makes life more interesting. I've gone into a new phase too, and it's got me all up in a whirl!

Have fun with the hottie! And, really, I'm not a crazy stalker like Kat is, I mean, I live in Atlanta, so I'm not going to hunt you down in a restaurant for god's sake! ;-) But I did really get you a birthday present and I'd like to send it to you if you don't mind.

Carolyn

Yes, I do read them all :)

Carolyn, just email me LOL. How are you, by the way?

And thank you again to everyone who has contributed here, and shared a little insight as well. I learn a lot from ya'll, and you make me think, and cogitate, and ponder that bellybutton.

Wow, Laurie

You really need to go and get yourself published! I tell my stepdaughter to read your blog - she was in a relationship that really sucked her dry and made her gray. I don't really want to get into the specifics of her relationship, but it was a shame to see her spirit being broken and rebroken as the days went on.

I don't know if I'd say that marriage as an institution is oppressive - not as much as society's perceptions of women and what they are expected to take on. My stepdaughter wasn't married to him (thank God) but the whole notion of being mother, attractive woman and the rest of it really did a runner on her. Although she's living alone (and financially poorer as a result) she's so much happier!

You rock, laurie. Glad to see that your date went well! Keep on writing!

I've just ended a nearly 6 year relationship where the space between us ended up so wide that we no longer heard each other, Nowadays I'm curled up with a kitten in the evening and the empty spaces are shrinking as I get to know myself again and stop trying to fit someone else's mould. Thank you for your post - it touched me gently in a very sore place and helped me continue to heal.

My mother used to say- "It's not just single or married, it's actually three different states. Single, bad marriage and good marriage. Don't settle for the middle one." Smart lady.

AMEN!!! My last relationship left about 2 years ago, and you know what? It was bad at first, but now I'm quit. I'm done. No more. Is 33 too young to be a spinster? Well TOO BAD 'cause that's me!

Living alone may not be a fantastic party every single minute, but the bad things are solely my own. Which is a damn sight better than having someone else make me feel bad, for whatever reason. I may get lonely from time to time, but at least I'm not being made to feel inadequate/wrong/inconvenient/bad by someone else.

I laugh to myself everytime I hear some idiot say "i'll pop a CAP in your ass" because I can't help but think "she probably isn't that brave" (brave is used here as an interchangeable word, paired with "silly").

You may be surprised @ how much comments mean to you on occasion, but I reckon you'd be blown away if you knew how much this site means to so many.
You are an incredibly warm, kind and honest person. You open up your heart and wear it on your sleeve on this page. You are as unique as you are rare, and although I don't knit and am not an overly regular comment-leaver, I cannot help but lurk here.

I SO loved this post. It's really something I needed to read right now as I'm kind of feeling the same way. As usual, your words are fabulous.

I know these words. These words are my life right now, the part before he leaves or I leave. I am still hoping that neither one of us will leave, but that doesn't seem very likely most of the time.

Beautifully written. Thank you.

Wow. My husband and I have been separated a little over a year, and I'm beginning the divorce process. I can't tell you how much this entry resonates with me. I tried to change and to fix everything and to make everything right. I knew that it wasn't working long before it ended, but I was so afraid of the unknown that I thought I was better off staying in an unhappy marriage. I was so wrong! Sometimes it really is hard, and sometimes it's lonely. There are times when I see something that reminds me of an inside joke, and I miss the man who used to be my friend. But it's so worth it. I have my own apartment now, with furniture that I picked out and paid for, decorated in a style that makes me happy. I have two cats, Linus and Crazy Eddie, who fill me with joy. And I have me. I'm learning to depend on myself, to have confidence in my ability to make good decisions and to support myself and keep myself happy. It's an amazing feeling, and I had no idea it was missing from my life until started living my life for myself.