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June 22, 2006

Happy Ikealovin!

Hello, age thirty-five. Nice to see you.

Let us dwell on the fact that it is early in the morning and I am having myself a cup of coffee and writing this from home because I have taken the day off work to ... dah dah DUM!! Drumroll please!

... go to IKEA!

IKEA loves me. IKEA knows the kind of lovin' I need, and that said lovin' should be packaged with mysterious instructions featuring strangely-drawn Swedish cartoon characters who are androgynous and build things with small wooden pegs holding it all together. If, for whatever reason, I arrive at IKEA and decide I want my lovin' already assembled and half-off the marked price, I can roam the "As Is" department. IKEA is flexible that way. If my particular need for lovin' must be under $20 and in funky colors (yes, love can be cheap!), there's the aisle after aisle of plastic containers and boxes and stuff... probably called Plastikstuuf. Or Stufinplastik. I do not know. (Me = Notknowinswedish.)

Later, after my shopinbuyinunder$20 excursion, I'm going to stitch, and bitch, and also drink some wine. And I'm very excited, because I am bringing presents to S'nB, since I really do suck at all forms of mail (also: for the record. Some horrible spam-type person has been sending out emails from this domain, I don't know how they do it or why but I will never send you spam, I promise, and I am sorry if you got one. I hope this spammer knows I plan to hunt down his mama and tell her what a REAL WINNER he is, and I will go into detail. GRAPHIC detail. In the meantime, my email is fubared with 37,000 returned spam emails and I just give up. I cried on the phone to tech support, AGAIN, and now I'm considering just getting a plain old carrier pigeon and giving up entirely on this whole email thing.) Oh. Where was I?

Yes! I am bringing little tiny presents to stitch 'n bitch that you will NOT like, not unless you know that I KNOW THAT THERE IS PAIN, JUST HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY. hahahahah!!! (I have amused myself. It is only 9 a.m. people. And I am not even drinking.) Also, my gift to you is apparently getting a crap Wilson Phillips song stuck in your head. Blame Jennifer! Last week at Target she stopped me in the middle of the aisle:

Jen: Do you know what song I hate? I MEAN I HATE THIS SONG SO MUCH.

Me: No, what song?

Jen: Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Me: AAARRRGGGH. I hate that song too!

(a minute passes in silence)

Me: I HATE YOU.

Jen: ...? why?

Me: Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Had that damn song stuck in my head for an hour. So, you see, I know that there is pain but if you hold on for one more day you can break free of the chains!

Also:

Thank you for not making fun of my shoes that time I talked about my Ugg-love.

Thank you for being sweet to me even when I was really kind of annoying and you wanted to smack me upside the head, but instead sighed and promised it would get better one day.

Thank you for understanding that I am a terrible hermit, and painfully shy sometimes. And sometimes I do not shut up. Fun! You never know what you might get that day!

Thank you for being concerned about my animals, including one who is trying to take over the world with her manifesto, one who has no teeth but managed to eat an entire bouquet (he's fine! knocked over a lamp this morning, feeling great!), one who stares at his own paw a lot, and one who is pretty.

Thank you for the donations, you have no idea how much that helped me at a time when I'm pretty sure I was I was thisclose to moving into the Jeep. The cats are healthy, the vet bill has been paid, and we're only medicating one cat a day here at Feline Guantanamo. You'll never know how much that helped me, thank you.

Oh! And thanks for helping me come up with a new way to discuss my large forehead: it's a fivehead!

And thank you for coming here, and for adding to the story, thank you for the lovely birthday wishes, this has been the happiest part of my life, connecting with people and us all figuring it out together. Ya'll are so much better than therapy! I can drink during this! Most therapists would frown on that.

See, some day somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye, until then baby are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry? Don't you know things can change? Things'll go your way if you hold on for one more day!

Heh. Sorry. I couldn't resist!

Posted by laurie at June 22, 2006 9:02 AM