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May 1, 2006

May 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

It's May Day! I know that today is filled with all kinds of protest activity and so on, but today is also my mom's birthday, so ... let us all eat cake! Cake is truly one of the most underrated aspects of the American dream. Where once you had to slave over a hot stove, beating eggs into submission and... uh, other cooking stuff, now you can just go to the deli and get a giant slice of chocolate cake. It could be German chocolate, or Mexican chocolate, or Hershey Pennsylvania Chocolate... we are the equal opportunity cake country!

Astrologically speaking, this is supposed to be a really good month for us Cancer folks. It's all about Mars and Uranus, and Jupiter, and some other stuff with planets aligning and a full moon on the 13th and ya'll. I'm treating May as my personal wishing well, giving this whole month up to divine intervention and cake. I suggest that everyone enjoy some cake early in the month, when planets are more shiny and happy, and bathing suit season still seems far away. Unless you live in the Valley of course, where it was so hot yesterday you'd swear it was August, and like me you've sworn of bathing suits forever. But I digress. Happy May Day, and Birthday! And cake! (This is what happens when you prognosticate too close to lunchtime.)

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
This is the month of long-lost-someones popping back into your life just like one of those annoying whack-a-mole games at Chuck E. Cheese (which has great pizza, by the way... mmm. cheese. pepperoni.) You can count on someone from the past popping up in an unexpected form in the next two weeks, and the trip down memory lane won’t end until mid-June. In fact, it may have already begun. I’m fuzzy on the timeline but I can tell you this: it will stir up some weird inner emotional stuff. (I prescribe cake! Stat!) Interestingly enough, the weird emotional stuff won't be all bad. In fact, it may have you looking back over the past little while with new eyes, and seeing all the good, and how far you've come. You may find yourself happily realizing how much you've changed. Come to think of it, I haven't been to Chuck E. Cheese in a while. Maybe we should meet there and you can give me a list of all the positives to have come into your life since you last saw your blast from the past. Or we could just have lunch. Because you know. Lunch!

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Like sands from the hourglass, so are the places of our lives. Some geographical region is calling out to you, your wanderlust is getting to you in night sweats and daydreams. I have never seen a sign more in need of a vacation. A little change of locale will make an enormous change in your perspective. Take the urge seriously and make a weekend getaway a reality. It doesn’t have to be expensive or far away to give you the little jolt you need … in fact, the oasis you’re looking far is closer to home than ya'll may expect. The month of May has the planets just-so for a perfect Pisces diversion. Pack your bags, and some snacks, I like those Cheeze-Its in little individual-sized bags, or! oh! Goldfish. mmmm. Goldfish. Perfect for a Pisces vacation. Oh yeah.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Time to save early and save often. This is a wonky time, little Aries, when once-dormant financial warts begin to grow prickly hairs. But ya'll don’t throw yourselves on the fire of monetary ruin just yet. Lean times make you even more creative and wily, you crafty little beast. By summer’s end you’ll be out of debt’s dark shadow if you use your talent for resolving dilemmas on yourself (instead of focusing all your problem-solving energy on you-know-who). Also! When warts are in your forecast it is no time to kiss frogs. Instead, use some of that pent-up energy and desire to relax over the long weekend at the end of May, I think a barbecue sounds good. Maybe a thick, juicy cheeseburger or some grilled shrimp? This lunchtime astrology thing is tough. I'll have to go with burgers.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I look at your end-of-May chart and all I see is … feet. I haven’t had a great deal of time to ponder the meaning of this clearly significant sign. Feet. It can mean so many things! Begin walking? Walk away? Tired feet? Foot traffic? Foot soldier? Go shoe shopping? Foot the bill? Foot in mouth? Footsteps? Beat feet to the food court? Follow or lead? Ah, yes, follow or lead! A question you’ve given some thought to. I believe this symbol can mean anything you choose - progress, change, or Roxy flip-flops in a Hawaiian print. But then again, I’m not standing in your shoes, and neither is anyone else. So how can anyone but you decide what is best for your own feet? You know your true direction, deep down, and you can trust your own decisions this month, and let others follow in your footsteps. Maybe those footsteps will lead to cake. I do not know.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I have had some automobile issues as of late. Large, cumbersome automobile issues. You, on the other hand, are having road issues. Well, path issues, to be more specific. Summer brings out the two parts of you that tamer seasons manage to dull: wistfulness and ants-in-your-pants-edness. You see how important it is, that I had to go and make up a word like ants-in-you-pants-edness. I love Gemeni folks, because ya'll are always just one step ahead of the rest of us, unfortunately ya'll don't handle anxiety very well. The anxiety you feel right now over your future is only going to give you a headache and something akin to perma-PMS, so lighten up on yourself just a little bit and indulge your wistfulness by planning a Memorial Holiday weekend, and use the last days of May to formulate a Plan, even if you end up scrapping it in August. Oh! Invite me to the party. I will bring... um? Cake?

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
More UFOs appear to Cancerians than to any other sign in the zodiac. Perhaps we're so damn evolved that we naturally attract intelligent life from other planets. On the other hand, maybe we're just a little oversensitive and we "see" things that aren't there. This is the dual nature of the crab. May is shaping up to be a stellar month for crabs, and boy have we needed it. I think we should spend this month actively communicating with intelligent beings. Instead of seeing aliens all around us, or trying to beam ourselves far away from the current situation (whatever it may be) (and right now personally it is my dire lack of lunch), we ought to try seeking some human contact. Whether it's in relationships (hrmph), career issues, or family and home stuff, the results could be out of this world. (Hah hah! Get it! Out of this world!) (Sorry. Low blood sugar.)

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Remember those little orange baby aspirin? I used to pretend to be sick just so I could take one. And then there was the attention. Plus I got to stay home and watch General Hospital. I thought I really had a good thing going by faking it, and so do you. The problem is that we’re not in third grade anymore and while you’re faking IT, the real thing is out there passing you by. The more time you spend fooling people for attention, the more time you’ve lost having really genuine experiences. You may not think you’re faking anything, but take a closer look at a key relationship as June nears. Are you being completely honest? Are you getting all your needs met? Are you feeling the love, the attention, the cake? Whoops! Did I say cake? I meant pie. Anyway, this month is a good time to stop faking it, fooling yourself and anyone else along the way. You really are good enough just the way you are. Chew on that one. Then take two baby aspirin and call me in the morning.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Predictions are clumsy animals. I always get the exact dates slightly skewed, which led me to believe the notion that perhaps our sign is actually determined at conception, instead of birth. Don’t you often feel that your astrological prediction in the daily paper is, well, slightly askew? Not totally wrong, but not right, either. So, for the month of May, I backtracked nine months to give you a clearer prediction. But that was confusing as hell, and I simply fell into befuddlement (followed closely by some mint-choco-chip ice cream.) Then today, I was cogitating on this whole thing, and all I could think about was Mint Chocochip ice cream, of which I have none. Final analysis: it is not wise to rely on astrology to make decisions for you, especially when the magic 8-ball is so close at hand. You won't need divinity this month, because you'll have good astro-luck! May has some well-placed planets in your House Of Working For The Man, and you'll be happily surprised by some work-related stuff around the full moon mid-month. Much cause for happiness and ice cream.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Boy am I glad I wasn't born under a sign that involves scales of any kind. Especially since as soon as I finish these damn hor-o-scopes I plan to eat my way into a lunchtime food coma. Apropos, though, that you're the sign of scales. I know you're aware that deep inside most people there is a scale of usefulness which they use to rank others. You keep your personal ranking system well hidden in the folds of your good nature, but you'd be wise to dust it off and do some serious selfish evaluating of your own. Someone will come to you bearing gifts this month -- decide what it's worth to you before accepting. Tape a $20 bill to your tummy and yell "hot property!" if necessary. Or! Feel free to join me in the food court, once I take care of the Scorps, Sags and Cappies May forecast. Sound good?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Drink lots of water. Eat many vegetables (Cheetoes, while orange and somewhat carrot-stick-ish, do not count as one of the five essential servings.) Limit salt intake. Blah blah blah. None of this will do you a damn bit of good when you’re reckless with your personal safety. There is something going on with you and it’s compelling you to throw caution to the wind. The next 30 days are like a field of hidden landmines if you don’t start taking care and walking slow. Caution is your watchword. Wear your seatbelt. Wear a condom. Wear sunscreen. Wear panties with a cotton lining. The best advice my mom ever gave me was "Keep your panties on!" and that goes doubly well for Scorpios this month. You'll have more opportunity than usual to get into a pickle, so keep your eyes open for well-lit emergency exits. Oh. Pickles! mmmm.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Snobbery! There is snobbery in your midst, I can just sense it. Contrary to popular belief, snobbery is not some exhibit of the age-old class struggle or an external show of good taste vs. bad taste. No. Snobbery is just simple insecurity. It’s a way for someone to act superior when deep down they’re just a loathsome inner child with a bedwetting problem. So, shrug off the snot - uh, I mean snob - in your midst and use your excellent sense of humor to de-mystify the situation. Rather than try to engage in a pissing match with a bedwetter, simply remove yourself from contention by rising above the occasion. If any sign in the hiz-ouse can do it, it's you, Sag, the finest example of diplomacy and good taste. Good taste. I am so hungry I could gnaw my own arm off right now. Tasty!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Summer is the season of freckles, sand, sun and blazing hot romantic romps. Well, that’s what Cosmo says, anyway. I read the summer edition of Cosmopolitan magazine every summer, cover to cover, and I think to myself, “Who do they write this stuff for?” But then I was drawing up your stars for May...and June... and even July (!!!) and all those “Shocking Sexy Summer Stories” are about you! You’re a regular little love machine. When you walk, are you accompanied by the faint sound of “Foxy Lady” playing in the background? Do you find folks ready to fling off their clothes at a moment's notice? No? Not yet? Well, as we get through the first week of May, and through to the full-moon at mid-month, your House Of Super Studly heats up and you are like a one-girl pheromone pit this summer. All I can say is… woohoo! And if you haven’t discovered your power already, well, now you know. Care to share? Perhaps over lunch? And cake? Because that's where I'm off to! Bon apetit!

Posted by laurie at May 1, 2006 12:36 PM