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May 24, 2006

If it's Wednesday it must be list-day.

Top Ten Things On A Wednesday, Before I Have Fully Caffeinated And Also, I Need A Nap.

1. The answer is no.
No, I have not been knitting.

2. Unless I should be knitting a shroud.

Because I am medicating all these cats twice a day and ya'll. It is not easy. They have grown stronger and also smarter and now they know the routine and they are wily, those hiding fanged beasts of cuteness. I've tried to switch it up, fake them out, but frankly at 4:45 a.m. I am not all that creative. Also, they may be smarter than I am, since they have all day to sit around and think of the torturous human and plot my death ... someone please help me. They might kill me soon.

3. The Last Supper
My cooking has deteriorated into a rapidly descending spiral of sadness. Yesterday I ate dry Cocoa Puffs, a turkey sandwich, three red vines, two pickles and a banana and nary a pot nor plate was defiled. That is quite a feat!

I ate my Cocoa Puffs out of the box, because my milk expired four days ago. I know I should go to the grocery store, but I can’t be trusted in that place. Left to my own devices I will spend a hundred dollars and arrive home with items that when placed together DO NOT EVEN MAKE ONE COMPLETE MEAL. I’ll buy shake-n-bake but forget chicken, buy milk but forget cereal, lunch meat and no bread. It just happens. The grocery store is big and the selection is vast and I come down with a case of ADD every time I walk through the perfectly oiled sliding glass doors.

I can already hear you. You are saying, "Make a list!"

I love lists, I am a list-making fool. As evidenced by this very column today, a list. So I make lists, OH YES I DO. On post-it notes, and on the back of the light bill, and even in a notebook bought solely for the purpose of holding my many lists. But even if the list makes it to the store with me (shocking rare incident, but it has happened) the list is not in the same order as the aisles, and I still have to walk around and everything is so pretty and appetizing and ... look! Powerpuff Girls cereal! Lunchables with mini tacos! There are Oreos with chocolate filling! Hey, I'm an adult and what fun is it to be on your own and paying bills and doing things like wearing pantyhose if you can't buy Oreos? I would be denying my power as an adult if I didn't buy these! It would be a travesty! In fact, by purchasing chocolate double-stuff Oreos, I am declaring my independence!

And dammit if an hour later I’m not standing at checkout with coffee filters, beer, four frozen Lean Cuisines, a big packet of Oreos and seventeen other items that make no sense (those water chestnuts are only 39 cents! Look, cling peaches, four cans for a dollar! This squash looks interesting ... maybe I’ll learn to cook this week and shock and amaze my friends with squash a’la something!)

4) But cooking is overrated anyway.
The best part about my Tiny House's Tiny Kitchen is that the smoke alarm is farther away from the stove than it was in my old place. I can now burn dinner in peace. Last week I accidentally put a chicken breast in the oven that still had saran wrap on it.

I have no good excuse for this.

I was talking on the phone and trying to watch the very end of the Clean House marathon and, hey, saran wrap is clear! Anyone could make the same mistake. Really.

5) Maybe it's lack of sleep.
Last night I thought we were having an earthquake. It was just a cat jumping on the bed. They were probably laughing at me later. One of them is probably writing about me on MySpace.

6) I am one with nature.
The square watermeloning is going REALLY WELL. In other words, I have no watermelons yet, so I have yet to kill them. All I have are little tiny plants, since I grew them from seed they've just been slow to sprout, probably because the nights are still cool. I think we have a different growing season than many parts of the country, September is always our hottest month and even in October we have hundred-degree days in the valley. I do have a tomato plant that is taller than I am, I have named it Cesar Chavez and we sit around at night contemplating a way to free the masses. Also! Yes, I may have been exploring the world of cabernet. Moving on.

I got the best email EVER from Patrick, who writes:

Laurie, I am a 30 something GWM who lives in West Hollywood and is a faithful reader of Crazy Aunt Purl. In reference to one of your earlier blogs where you claimed it was possible to procure ANYTHING in the Valley ... On Monday some idiot broke the window out of my 1968 Mercedes Benz, I went to Beverly Hills MB and they didn't have my window in stock, nor could they even order it. Same story in Hollywood, Santa Monica even Malibu. I was finally told that I probably would have to order it from Germany because my car is so old.I was given a tip by somone about a place that may help. I went to said place, and a very kind toothless man produced my new window in under 5 minutes. The locale you may wonder? VAN NUYS! :) Love your blog, Patrick in WeHo

All I can say is... Amen. The Valley: we have your porn stars, square watermelon farms, tomato liberation plants, Mercedes windows and really good tacos. Patrick, The Valley is not just a nice place to visit, you know. It's also a nice place to raise a family of pissed-off cats who are plotting your death, take it from someone with first-hand experience.

8) And finally.

Posted by laurie at May 24, 2006 10:01 AM