Oh, Laurie -- what a magnificent piece of writing this is! You just grabbed my heart and squeezed it and I love you for it.

With each day comes more strength. You will make it through to the other side. :)

"The greatest strength is admitting weakness." I can't remember who said it but it always stuck with me. No matter how capable I ever got at being alone, it is nice to have someone there again. I'm just glad that you were able to enjoy it again. Sometimes women get really closed up and can never even try again. You with make it. :)

It's not a bad thing to know you want it. It's a little worse if you think you can't live without it. But you're beyond that, you're coming up over the hill and out there is a big-ol valley full of chances....

I really believe that.

If only more people understood this! So many think that just because you desire affection you're a needy, weak person incapable of living your own, strong life. How wrong they are! Thank you for saying it so eloquently!

I hope your parents enjoy their travels through "The Natural State" (aka my home!) Tell them they can call me if they're passing through Little Rock and need anything!
:o)

As a southerner, I saw that plate o'rings comin' as I read your post. It's just the neighborly thing to do.

And can I just mention how glad I am that you are posting these great ads? I live in Nowhere,TX and lemme tell ya. The variety of yarn is not so great. I just don't heart Red Heart so much. So now I can order *exotic yarn*. Yes!

No, it is not a bad thing at all. We all want to think "I can do this" (whatever it is) and we all hope it's true, for our friends as well as ourselves. Heaven knows it's not easy. Hang in there.

Gosh that was beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing it. Hugs!

No, it isn't. Thank you for so eloquently putting into words what I have always felt to be true. You rock, Laurie.

No, it isn't. Thank you for so eloquently putting into words what I have always felt to be true. You rock, Laurie.

Beautiful writing. A huge part of the human experience is the HUMAN experience -- the connection with other human beings. There's absolutely no weakness in that desire for connection.

What beautiful writing--you capture so many different emotions so wonderfully.

It always bothered me a bit when I was a single girl and people would say to me, "oh, don't worry, you'll meet someone when you don't expect to." They were always the ones who were married or in a serious relationship. What they couldn't see is that I'd found joy in being "alone" and really learned to love myself (not in THAT way) and who I was becoming. By spending the time without, I learned who I could be when the "with" finally happened.

Being alone is an important part of being in a relationship. It's necessary to be able to be by yourself. And then when that right person comes along, it's great to be able to share the person you are with them. Show them what a strong woman you are. Let them know that you don't "NEED" them, but you desire them and hold them dear.

I hope you can find some peace in yourself. The person who you spent a little time with and then vanished, probably wasn't comfortable enough in his own aloneness to realize what he held in his now. Your now will eventually be full of those small gestures from another, but first, you have to give yourself the things another can not.

No, of course not! Humans are pack animals, we all need someone else to love. Right this minute, your someones have fur and pointy ears, but there will be other someones who walk on two legs and have deep voices. Hold on.

The fact that you are hopeful and not bitter speaks volumes about your good heart, Laurie, and I can't help but believe, with an attitude like that, that good things are coming your way.

You have caused me to stop and perhaps reconsider my own attitude about love and affection (gave up long, long ago) and maybe not shut myself off so completely from the possibility.

A toast to hopeful ladies everywhere!

The point is not to be a complete person so that you don't need anyone. The point is to have a complete person to share with someone else.

It absolutely is. Let's just hope our horoscope (I'm a cancer too) comes true:
"May is shaping up to be a stellar month for crabs, and boy have we needed it"
Thanks for the horoscopes by the way, love them!

sometimes you make me cry...

though i don't know you, you are the most comfortable stranger i have ever encountered

Did you get the onion ring batter recipe?

I have said this before and I will say it again: You are a smart cookie, and you are figuring things out. Everything you have said in your very thoughtful and beautiful post is quite true. Or at least, I think its true! :-)

I used to work with a horse trainer who was quite French and quite eccentric/cosmic. Once, when my life was in total chaos, he said to me (in that oh-so-sexy french accent) "Hang onto the mane, Hon-nee, hang onto the mane..." You see, when you are first learing to jump/gallop, trainers will tell you to grab the horse's mane to steady yourself.

So, yeah, this is a bit of a wild ride for you. But you are learning to steady yourself. Hang onto the mane, hon-nee!

Drew: I am oh-for-2. No recipe. And no lovin' ...

No. There's nothing wrong with needing some affection. And the intimacy that goes with.

I hated the marrieds telling me about the nobility of solo living when I was single and wanted to be done with dating for the routine of a long term relationship. Was I OK being single? Sure. I had a terrific life- that is easily romanticized from the perspective of almost tens years of relationship/marriage.

And it is the small moments in each day that I cherish - those which your post captures so beautifully.

So, I had a fabu single urban life - friends, dates, surfing trips, mini-relationships with bad boys, clubbing, blah, blah, blah....Did I want to share it with someone - you betcha' ya. Wanting to share a complete self with someone else is terrific -- and wanting to grow within a relationship is also great. And for those who like staying solo, I have bachelorette and spinster gal pals who are lifers and loving it -- great!!

Sorry your guy hurt your feelings. If I knew ya' in RL, I would bring you some fried hush puppies and cheesy grits (thats what my people do - we try to kill our friends with heart-stopping food originating from our Alabama roots).

A toast to hopeful ladies everywhere!
Posted by: Mary in Virginia

Cheers to y'all!

Laurie THANKS for the pile of onion ring you serve up everyday. My heart has onion breath.

Lookie, more ads.

Oh, Laurie,

This is SUCH a beautiful piece of writing... In your own way, you've served up a delicious plate of onion rings to me.

Girl, you should be writing a book... I'd buy it.

Now you're talking, Laurie. It IS fun to be on your own. I'm proud of you, girl.

I know I'm cutting at the heart of your whole blog existence, but maybe it's time to surface a little on the deep thoughts. You've obviously come a L-O-N-G way from that fateful dinner. And you're showing that you're ready to open yourself up again -- which is fantastic. But be careful not to hang all your success measures on how well someone reciprocates the lovin'.

Granted, I've been out of the datin' pool for a while, and I never swam that far out to begin with. So I'll take this from the work point of view. I used to work with a woman who drove me IN SANE. Every day. And it made me miserable. Then I realized that I was letting her make me miserable. I was, in fact, choosing to be miserable. So I grew some feathers and let it start rolling off.

My point? Try not to let one lost prospect get ya down. You can't control new people any more than you can control that other guy who didn't know a good thing when he had it. So choose to make your own happiness, choose to be open to new possibilities. Choose to try people out and have it be OK if it goes nowhere because it's their loss.

You're a fantastic, talented, funny, beautiful girl and, to quote the sappiest Indigo Girls song ever, "love will come to you".

*hug* from NY (with a side of cake)

Ohmygosh, you are so completely right, everyone who tells me, "You have to love being single before you can be with someone" is ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP. Condescending snots. ;)

I think part of what people mean when they say you'll find that special someone "when you least expect it" is "when you aren't looking for it." When you're happy with yourself, with your own company, and don't need another to feel complete or worthy or happy. And as much as you miss love and companionship and having that special person to share your day with, you are comfortable in your own skin, and that is SO attractive because it means you're healthy and open and honest. Your friends will keep you sane, your kitties will keep you feeling loved, and when you meet that right person (and I have no doubt that you will), it'll be icing on the cake. (Mmmmm...cake!) I like cake. Oh yeah. Most important of this rambling comment - don't SETTLE! You deserve the best - so hold out for it! There. I'm going to go find some cake now. Surely someone's having a birthday around here...

Absolutely...be happy with yourself and your life and the rest will come!

Ah, I think it's about finding the strength within yourself to be able to ask for affection and what you need from someone else, rather than just wait until it finds you.

What if someone just keep bringing you fried tofu, and you of course try it and it's okay, but what you really really want is those onion rings? We all need to find out if we like the tofu or the onions.

I think of the alone part as knowing what you like and don't like, and what you will and won't settle for. It's about being brave to get what you want and need rather than taking what someone gives without questioning.

Does that make sense? :)

I've never written here before, but I really wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your blog. Your writing is fabulous and oh so real!!! I look forward to reading it everyday and when I first found your blog in about January I actually read the whole thing from the beginning. It was a bit like reading a novel. I know that many are pushing you to write one but really you already have one here!!

You've become my new "Sex and the City"! Yes quite often I'm reminded of Carrie Bradshaw as I read here.

I don't have any advice about loneliness either. I have been there, I've done it, I chose the path I'm on now because I didn't want to be lonely anymore. But quite often now I find myself yearning for my loneliness back. It would be better then where I am sometimes. So maybe be patient and take life as it comes! You are a strong woman that truly shows!!!!!

"Laurie THANKS for the pile of onion ring you serve up everyday. My heart has onion breath. Posted by: psychomom"

Amen to that!

Laurie, from this Texan, if you're ever in Oregon I'll cook you up some good ol' country cuisine. Fried chicken? Mashed taters? Biscuits with sausage gravy? We'll sit and chat awhile with a glass of sweet tea.

In the beginning of my now 4 year relationship with the Headbanginghippieboy i struggled with what i saw as neediness.It took him a while ( cuz i was still compulsively and neuroticly defe nsive)but He taught me that needing something or someone isn't neediness. Its just need. A pure desire.
I'm happier and more myself when i am with him. I wish this for you also.
It's not weakness to know how you feel or what you want!

I always love to hear the "you'll find someone when you're not looking" too, bah! If I don't force myself to be social, I will not find someone because there are no men hiding in my living room (ok, well there is the roommate), or at my solo activities that consume my life.

So I force myself. Sometimes even if I'm not quite ready. It's like the way faking confidence makes you feel more confident.

As I think back all of my relationships have sprung from times when I almost hesitated to go somewhere, but then did anyway.

Thanks for your thoughts, Laurie.

I'm a great believer in hugs, so here's an e-hug for you, (sorry for the lack of creative typing to illustrate said hug).
The truth in your blog has been an e-hug for me on lonely days when no one brings me onion rings, I appreciate that on any day I can experience a 'pee your pants hilarious rant' or a 'knitaholic adventure'; and I don't fear the days that you are more contemplative... because you are dynamic and strong, and oh so fun to relate to (even as a native Californian)... makes me want to visit the South.

Yeah. I know where you're coming from.

When my ex and split, I embrassed being on my own (even though I had a small child and therefore was NEVER really on my own). It was the first time I had ever lived without another adult. I was lucky enough to have a super friend (who I'd known since high school) who became much more. He purposely kept his distance though, wanting me to get the experience of living on my own, for a whole year. Finally... I told him, "OK, I've done this being alone thing and well, I don't like it much." (Ok, that wasn't exactly what I said... but the story is too long to be precise.) Anyway... He is now my husband and best friend. And yes, I am so happy to have someone to touch me, to be there, to hold my hand while I toss my cookies and then clean up after me (sorry, I was sick last night, then I puked, then he put me back to bed and cleaned up the bathroom and it made me cry that he would do that for me).

The point is yeah, we are human and we need people.

Love ya Laurie!

It's not a bad thing at all. I think it rather honest and courageous to say it out loud. So many of us are so lonely -- even those in relationships, marriages, living in over-crowded cities -- but no one has the balls to say it out loud. I applaud you for it. Now, come here for a big cyber hug, girlie!

While I've never been through the divorce experience, I did split up with a fiance after being and living together for several years. Reading your blog often takes me back 10 years to that time. I heard a lot of the "when you least expect it" stuff too. It was all well meaning, but it didn't make the painful things better.

I think that coming to the conclusion that it means something to you to have someone who cares about you and wants to be with you is not a sign of weakness but a sign of being human. It was what convinced me that while I was waiting for Mr. Unexpected to arrive, it was okay to work at looking for him as well.

No great onion rings from here in Chicago, but if you were in my neighborhood I'd take you to this wonderful funky little wine bar and toast to bigger and better things.

thank you laurie.

you had me at wine lips.

Thank you, Laurie, we all love you!

*mwah.* An oniony smooch and a fried snack for you from way out here in Texas.
I know that we out here in electronic land are a poor substitute for having someone to dance with at the grocery store, but I hope that we are doing what we can to cheer you on.
You're too good to waste on anyone who doesn't understand how lucky he is to be with you.

You are an amazing woman. And an awesomely talented writer.

yes. this is right on. so nicely done, laurie~

As someone contemplating ending a relationship - this makes me sad, but it also makes me feel strong. Like I could survive too. The main thing holding me back right now is the comfort of it. The familiarity, the routine. I dont' want to be alone.

But - I know it's not good to stay with someone you don't completely love anymore too.

I wish there was a button to just shut off these feelings.

Good luck with your own journey and know that you have helped with mine.

I admire that you give these things to us. You are incredibly eloquent.

I am a 3 year divorced woman, and I really love being alone. But I really miss the physical affection, even though he wasn't very good at that stuff. And, I can honestly say, I will be happy if I stay single forever, BUT I am 46 and twice divorced and no longer feel that need and desire to join my life with someone else. I think that one of the blessings of being older is changing your needs and priorities.

You are a lovely, charming, funny, bright woman, and there will be a man who appreciates that. Just make sure he is worthy of your fabulousness, and don't settle. Never settle. ALone is way better than together with the wrong person.

I just got the news yesterday that my first court date for the divorce is in 2 weeks and I've been really down about it. It's not like I didn't know it was in the works, but it's so much easier to maintain the denial when there's not actually a big red mark on the calendar staring me in the face. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for your lovely words - your blog has become a real bright spot for me every day because I can see the progress you've made and it helps me believe that I can do it, too. Of course, it WILL require massive amounts of cake, but then you knew that already ;-)

I think you're a woman who feels and thinks and loves deeply. Why wouldn't you want to share that with someone? And why would anyone chide you if you feel a bit of loss when a seemingly nice guy bails abruptly? I think it's brave to be open to new relationships, despite the risk of pain from noncommunicative jerks, and it's brave to talk about how you feel; that's what a blog is for -- writing short pieces about specific thoughts. It's not ALL of who you are, so *phbbbbbbt* to anyone who questions you for expressing irritation and hurt at someone's thoughtlessness.

You share bits of your heart and mind with us every day online, and we love you for it. You put yourself "out there" and take the risk of clearly & honestly communicating. Bravo. Someone will be the richer for getting to know you in person and sharing your life, if that's what you want. And since you do, I'll cheer you on.

Meanwhile, hugs to you from your Web posse. ;o)

I wish I had some wisdom or some pithy words to skewer the thoughtless, selfish SOBs who are too spineless or incommunicative to find a palatable way to say, "I don't see us working out as a couple longterm, but you are a truly lovely woman and I have had so much fun going out with you. I wish the best for you." Not in those words, necessarily ... but something clear and polite. I did a little Googling of "men who don't call" and found the most annoying Essence article about men's excuses. The intriguing thought I had after reading it was, "I wonder what a man would say if -- when he asked a woman for her phone number -- she simply said, 'I don't give it out. But give me yours. I'd be glad to give you a call.' "

Yeah, you're right -- he'd leave skidmarks!

Hugs - Carolyn B.

I agree with you 150%.

I think some people in relationships start to take the little things like that for granted. After I read your post I gave my husband a big hug. Hang in there and if I ever see you on the street don't be surprised if you get a big hug!

Laurie- I have been lurking here reading your posts for a few months now and I have to say this is by far the most touching entry yet. I was actually pondering thoughts, much along this line. I have had a very similar incident to yours where you get a hit-and-run guy. It got me so down for a while, but I have come to realize that I am glad he bowed out, not matter how badly done it was, cuz I deserve much better! And so do you! You write a wonderful blog here and I look forward to every entry. And, btw, I LOVED the entry where you chased the guy in Paris with an umbrella. I'm an LA girl myself and it made me laugh out loud. Keep it up hon, you rock!

I've had friends tell me that they could never in a million years live as independently as I do. Granted, some days I feel like I'm not doing a very good job at it, but I've been on my own for the most part for years and years and years. And it's fantastic! It's wonderful! 90% of the time I wouldn't change it for the world, but then there are days when it would be so very lovely to come home and know someone there is available and waiting to...just hold me. To share the burden with, when your soul gets so tired you just want to sit down and weep with the weight of it all.

I'm fully cognizant of the fact that I'm completely totally and utterly skin starved. I'm a little frightened at the thought of being in a relationship because I'm liable to lose my head over the sheer simple animal pleasure of being able to touch and be touched in return, with love and affection and sexy good intent. That addiction to feeling good and whole and wonderful is more terrifying than just about anything else I can think of when it comes to relationships - what do you give up or compromise on in order to maintain that lovely feeling? Betrayed by hormones and the body or acknowledging that it's a necessary part of overall health? I'm still not sure.

This was a good post. Very thought provoking.

Thanks for the plate of onion rings girlfriend!
They were delicious!

Laurie - what a beautiful blog today. What courage you have - to open up and be receptive to love Vs avoid/hide from it - even if there is more hurt. It is not a weakness to admit you need affection - that is to be human and is the greatest of joys - to care and be cared for. Good for you for not shutting your heart off. God Bless!

I am usually single and I always tell my girlfriends that they will find someone when they aren't looking. I only say that because that is how it's always worked for me in the past and I really believe it's true. When I was lonely and looking for someone, I couldn't find anyone. But when I was happy being alone, and I agree with some earlier commenters that it's all about confidence, that is when guys will come out of the woodworks to woo you.

I also tell people it's more important to be happy single than it is to find your next boyfriend. But it's hard to take your own advice sometimes. My boyfriend just broke up with me because we're "too different." And I knew in my heart all along it wouldn't work, but he was sweet and affectionate and it was nice to have someone to wake up to and go to brunch with, and curl up on the couch and watch movies with. Reading your post today made me cry. In a really good way. And it made me feel like I am not alone, which is a miracle because I haven't felt so lonely in years.

look at all these fab ads! The million-dollar cat fund is growing. Yippy!

First of all, years ago I drove cross country (CA to VA). One of my stops was in Fort Smith, Arkansas. I love that place; the people were wonderful there. I also love it because that night at dinner when I asked for iced tea, the waitress asked, "Sweet or un?" It was then that I knew I had finally hit the South.

And being alone is just fine. It's being lonely that can suck at times. And that last one? Well, I have found that it is possible to feel lonely in a room full of people. It pretty much went away though when I decided that being alone wasn't that bad.

Laurie,
you take my breath away with your writing. Every word goes right to the heart. Thank you for what you share with us, your devoted readers.

That was really well put, Sweetheart.
And I understand the thing about Southerners too- I'm from a Southern family, and all my neighbors thing I'm a bit crazy because I know everyone's name and cook for them too.
I wish I could send you some brownies right now (or apple betty? My apple betty is real good!) and you're right. No matter how good you get at being single, it's lonely. You're doing okay, though. And something great is just around the corner, I promise!

I don't know how to make decent onion rings (though I know where to find some!), so how about a nice, real Nilla Wafer Banana Puddin'???? And I'd be willing to go kick this idiot's ass, too. He truly didn't know a gem when he had one.

And one more thing -- I'd buy your book, too. I am hopeful that one day I'll be able to say to people "Hey! I used to post comments on her blog!!!"

Be at peace, dear girl.

Laurie, you have this amazing range in your writing, and this particular post is just so heartbreakingly honest. Big hugs. I wish I could shoot the Perfect Man your way, but I have no such Cupidian powers.

Helen

I've got no answers Laurie, but your writing makes me feel less alone.

I went out on a first date Saturday night, with a guy I really like, and we both talked about how much we're tired of people saying one thing and doing another and how we'd like to see each other again and I went home feeling so giddy and happy.

I thanked him yesterday by email and I never heard back from him. This is a guy who before we met would answer my emails from work within a couple of hours.

I hate this game. Do I email him again? Do I call? Weren't we on the same page? Did I imagine that he liked me? Rats.

I know I am whole and complete without him, and that means that I can hold out for the guy that will call again. I guess that's what I can hold onto: that I won't fall for some guy just to have company. I guess choosing between 1. having an enjoyable night alone with jazz and wine and cats and knitting and reading and movies and, 2. a date with a nice guy who I know appreciates me, isn't a bad choice to have to make if you look at it in the right way. I'll hold out for the nice guy how I know appreciates me and in the meanwhile enjoy my nights alone too.

Sometimes it's a lonely choice, but the alternative is placing my self-worth in a bonehead who doesn't have manners and that feeling is the worst of all.

I'm blabbering but maybe what I said makes a little sense!

Laurie, some of us are just the marrying type. When I got divorced I had these visions of being free and single (and moving to New York, thank god that didn't happen because I'm a Californian through and through) and I did have some fun at the single life, but I seem to be just hardwired to go steady. I jumped right into dating (match.com, yay!) and lots of people were critical of how I needed to give myself some time to be single, but I liked having company.

I finally married one of them, so this may sound like smug married advice, but what I mean to say is that if you really know about yourself that you want to be 1/2 of a couple, then you have to get out there and kiss some frogs. One down, scores to go.

Nothing wrong with wanting some company at all - I think it just takes some work to find the RIGHT company.

I know many people say you'll find the right person when you're not looking - some people find that hard coming from those who are attached - but perhaps that's how they know it can happen that way - maybe those folks were going through some of the same hard stuff you are. Our pain always seems so personal, but deep down we're all human and it can't really be all that different can it?

Purly,

I can't stand when people give me advice on dating, especially when they are in relationships. I hear ya girl -

it will happen when it does, and until it does, you are entitled to drink a lot, knit a lot, and look the other way when your friends slash some tires ;)

(Not that I'm advocating illegal activities. just sayin...if the Lone Ranger happened to park anywhere nearby.......)

Eh. Feeling alone sucks, whether or not you're with someone. Thank the gods for furry creatures. And Blogdom.

Can I just say I love you.
From a complete stranger.
I LOVE your writing you are such a great spirit, you are so open and have so many people that love you and you are such a lucky girl.
You are so special and have such a gift for being yourself.
Thank you for that.
you bear you soul to us each day and I am thankful for that.
As my mother used to say to me ALL the time even if it does not feel like it,

This too shall pass.....

Oh and I LOVE YOU not in the crazy internet stalker way.
Jus to clarify

Beautiful and true. :-)

And it will come. Hell, before you go slashing any tires, he may come back and say "Sorry, I realized how much I missed you." But even if he doesn't, someone will come.

Well spoken, Laurie. Have you ever heard "Standing Outside the Fire" by Garth Brooks? (What a question to ask a Southerner.) Your post reminded me of that song. It's not a weakness to admit you want someone to share your life with.

And here's another quote for you: Religion is for people who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is for people who have already been there. You're one of the strongest spirits I know, dear. Rock on!

One word -- V I D A L I A S

Laurie... this was touching. You are such a sweetheart. That fear of loneliness is what has kept me here, even miserable. Which is worse?

oh Laurie, we all love you so much! thank you for sharing your story.
If I was close I would bring you a plate of my chocolate coconut macaroons. They are great with red wine!

I must say in defense of the marrieds, it's because many of us have been there! Just when you think the impossible, or when you turn your head for a moment to look the other way, something arises or someone appears and life changes.

And as much as I enjoyed my single life post-divorce, of course I wanted someone to share it with. There's wisdom from so many perspectives. I just think you're doing fine - there are ups and downs to any situation, and it always takes time to find your footing. I'm just finding my footing in my second marriage.

Anyway, CAP, you rock! Will you please start submitting some writing out there?!!!! Get paid for your gift?!

Wow, thanks for helping me understand something I've been pondering for months now... the differences between being alone, being lonely, being with someone, and the desire to be with someone. I feel like people often dismiss the notion of affection and coupledom with a "you don't need a man!" (when you're single and hurting, of course. It's meant to make you feel better). And I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me, because while I don't NEED a man, I certainly want one. I'm the kind of person that wants to share life with someone I love, whether it's watching the world go by from our couch or scuba diving together in Costa Rica. I was starting to feel like that desire was wrong. That I couldn't be in a healthy relationship until I squashed that desire like an unwanted bug. But that desire is part of who I am and it's not unhealthy, not when I know myself.

So thanks. I feel like you gave me a big hug when I read that post.

I am sending you a virtual plate of chicken and dumplings with fried okra. Do you feel better now? :) Oh, and look, there's a big hunk of chocolate cake.
Seriously, we all love you and I think if we all put our money together, you know like $5 per blogger, we could totally hire a great hit man. What do you think?
I always knew those people out in California were crazy, and now I'm sure of it since none of them have jumped at the chance to take you out. I think the organic soil has rotted their brains. :)

People need people. People need love. They Need it with a capital 'N'. Fuck this bullshit-rugged-indvidualist-American paradigm. You shouldn't feel bad for wanting to be close to someone.

Hundreds of years ago (I don't exactly when, but not in the past century, anyway) infants would be given up to orphanages, and it was believed that physical contact between the infants and the nurses would somehow contaminate the babies, so, aside from feeding, the infants had no physical human contact. And you know what happened? They died. For no explainable reason except that human beings need love. They need it like they need air and water and shelter and vitamin C.

Don't let anybody tell you different.

Needing affection is NOT a sign of weakness, nor is longing for anothers touch..it's a sign of being human and a warm, loving woman. You deserve so much more than settling for a mediocre partner that isn't giving 100%. For me, being alone is so much better than lying next to someone and being lonely..been there, no thanks. The gift that Mr. A...cause we all know what that stands for...gave you is that now you know what you won't put up with...now you have the time to find you, and to learn what you need. It's not always an easy lesson, but it is...from where I'm sitting...one of the greatest.

It sounds like the Tall Guy in the Kitchen (alluded to in a post a long time ago) morphed into the Guy Who Never Called Back.

I hope you soon meet the right person, Laurie.

I feel for you. Really. What's even worse than this is living in the same house with someone, married to them, sleeping in the same bed, eating at the same table...and being lonely. because the one you sit across from at dinner doesn't love you. Welcome to my world, email me and we'll cry together. =)

You're so right in so many ways. I think what it really comes down to is the difference between need and want. It's probably better not to need a man (especially if it's a particular man who is wrong for you, or bad, or hurts you or is otherwise not a good fit) but it's something else to want. And it's OK to want. I think it's a good sign to want. It means you haven't been so broken that you can't or won't try again. It's a good sign. If only it didn't hurt so much.

Sheesh, I feel like such a cliche. I am married. Have been for four years in August. Before that though, I was single and lovin' it. I didn't need anyone in my life and the only time I wished for someone was when I went on vacation by myself without any girlfriends either. That's not to say I didn't want an "oil change" every now and then, I just wasn't interested in having a relationship. I was tired. I really wanted to be selfish for a while. For a year and a half I was blissfully oblivious to men as anything other friends and drinkin' buddies. Suddenly I noticed a strange phenomenon, I could pick out and AVOID a loser! I used to pick them out and date them! Then I met my husband and the rest is history.
Juss' sayin', cliches get that way for a reason.
I don't think it's a bad thing to want someone, I just think people who are happy alone have better relationships when they are two.

In the spirit of southern neighborliness transplanted to So Cal. . . Hey Laurie, I know you are kind of shy-ish in the past couple of years given the Mr. X trauma and all, but in case you'd like to get out of the house on JUNE 3rd. The LSU alumni living in So.Cal are having a crawfish boil in the Malibu hills. You needn't have any affiliation with LSU (I don't, myself), just an appetite for crawfish, Abita beer, and zydeco. Bring a girlfriend or two and teach 'em how to pinch the tail and suck the head (now to all you non-Louisianans, that's not dirty.) If you are interested just e-mail me and I will forward the e-mail the Alumni group sent me.

Being happy with your life doesn't mean you wouldn't be happier with someone to share it with (and sleep with). This "You don't need a man to be happy" crap is... crap. We're all happier when we're getting affection and companionship regularly. It's a valid need. You won't die without it, but you're happier with it. Like wine.

Nine years and counting and I still haven't met anyone. Do I need a man to be happy? Thank heavens the answer is "no", or I'd have no doubt died of loneliness a few years ago. Would I like a relationship? Sure. I wish I was more optimistic but I have been waiting a long time for that "just when you think it's not going to happen" moment.

You do get used to being alone but sometimes it hits you. A couple weeks ago I was on a plane..alone of course. I was sitting next to a middle aged couple. The plane hit some turbulence. I looked over and the couple was holding hands and I looked down and I had grabbed onto my own hand. I almost started sobbing. I thought, "Please, God, let this plane land. I really don't want to die holding hold my own hand."

Laurie, hon, what a beautifully written post. We all want/need affection, nothing wrong with that. I'm not going to say "there, there, hang in there and you'll find somebody" because, well, some people do and some people don't. But you're gorgeous, loving, funny, smart and talented enough that the chances are good ;) I don't mean this to sound crass but in the meantime, finding a 'friend with benefits' might take the edge off a bit. . .

Oh, Laurie. Sharing and caring is what makes us humans (although cats and dogs do well with it too). You're growing so wise and so strong.

But I really do think you should text message that guy a shortie: "r u ok? if yes, g'bye!" Hey, I'm old. I remember the movie "An Affair to Remember" - maybe, just maybe, he was hit by a car.

Maybe he found your blog and got scared. You have a mighty following and he'd have to be quite the man to be good enough for our Aunt Purl... I mean you thought Daddy at the door with the shotgun was intimidating...

I think it is also about having someone who wants to bear witness to your life; someone who can say "I remember when..." or can remind YOU when... Someone that is a living testimonial to a life lived - the good and the bad - and who has let you do the same for them, giving you that much purpose in your life. I am blessed to have that, and to have had it for nine glorious years (and counting)...

I did the single thing for a while after splitting up a 10 year relationship. Thought the time would do me good, but all it did was confirm for me that 'yes, I was fine on my own' but 'dammut! I want someone in my life'! I didn't 'need' someone in my life, I 'wanted' it. So, I sat down and over the course of a couple days (I'd already spent a lot of time thinking about it) I wrote down exactly what I wanted in a 'significant other'. EVERYTHING. Then I put the list away, and not a word of a lie, within a month, the man on my list showed up in my life - except taller.

I wish everything wonderful for you CAP, thanks for all your pontifications, they are enlightening & more often than not, a great chuckle! ~hugs~

No, it isn't.

As bittersweet as these entries can be, I love them even more than the funny ones. (But cat pictures > anything else.) Keep living out loud, you'll find a ton of people willing to reach out. But I know how nothing compares with simple affection.

Oh yes, Ms Laurie, keep living out loud, you make me laugh, and you make me cry....and that's living!

I'm only speaking from one point of view because I've never lived outside of the south and I really like my privacy but I think if people expect you can't be whole unless you are completley comfortable being alone, then they are just wrong.

hi laurie - stumbled across your blog not long ago and i'm totally hooked! what a wonderful gift it has been. i look forward to all your musings - funny and sad - and it gives me hope because i (like so many other women) struggle with the same issues you do, and somehow you speak (so well) for all of us. and you do it in a way that's funny and poignant and true.

i wish you all the best in your life and a great guy to share it all with. god knows they are hard to find. i will keep my fingers crossed and send some good ju ju your way. thanks for inspiring me to start knitting and for much entertaining reading! I think you're amazing : )

HEY! I live in Fort Smith, AR!
I hope your parents like thunder storms. We had a doozie last night.

Not weak at all. You are far stronger for accepting what it is you need to live happily. I'm in the 'not alone if it can be helped' club and I can totally understand. now, onto business. You're a pretty woman with a sense of humor, quick wit and, obviously, your own cordless drill - let's get you a 'nother. Or, I could fly across the country to make you some hot onion rings. Personally, I'd go for the 'nother cuz I haven't been able to fry worth a shit since I became a Mainer.

I think many people especially over 40 single women have no affection from the opposite sex. I have given up. Been alone for ever and appears it will be that way until I die. Not much you can do.
But you are young and cute so you will find love again. Be patient.

You got it right girl! And that's what massages are for! I swear, 90% of my clients are touch-starved. They just need someone to touch them in a caring, healing way. And girl, I'll touch you anytime you want.

Thank you for the beautiful cry you gave to me tonight.

You got it right girl! And that's what massages are for! I swear, 90% of my clients are touch-starved. They just need someone to touch them in a caring, healing way. And girl, I'll touch you anytime you want.

Thank you for the beautiful cry you gave to me tonight.

Yeah I know what you mean. We all need to feel connected and part of a community. We need affection and close relationship and just to know that if we died in our house that it wouldn't take someone a month to find us (i know a very strange example). I know that the times when I have been the loneliest are the times when I have found it the hardest to reach out.
I think that being in a couple is great and I think it is better than living alone and being alone. When did we all swallow the belief that to live by ourselves, eat dinner on the couch alone is a noble thing to do? Sometimes it is OK but being part of a good relationship is much better! Just ask John Gray he'll tell ya!
Mia

Thank you so much for your heart-felt writings. You put down on paper what us single gals feel in our minds and hearts. You are awesome!!!

Oh that was beautifully written. And you know, it is a balancing act both being independent and strong, and remaining open to needing others (including a special other), it's actually a balancing act for those happily coupled too.

When I read this, I thought of you.
Blessings

Woman Way

Daughter you're not supposed to love a man
You're supposed to love yourself
when you have loved yourself
Over and over finding the ways of your gifts
that make you happy and being happy with your discoveries
Then your man will be happy too.

Just pay attention to what it means to love you

Love yourself.

You're thinking I should be in love with this man I do find pleasure with
this man.

But it won't last.

The only real pleasure a woman has is the love of who she finds herself to
be.

So wake in the morning saying this is my day!

I'm going to realize my strengths. I'm going to always have myself first in
mind.

I will realize my limitations. I will say no. Not this time.

I'll keep a record of beautiful thoughts and read the unfolding of my soul

I'll stretch my body paying special attention to the soreness in my back, my
hips or my shoulders.

I'll find time to listen to music or just hum a tune.

I'll say no to eating too many sweets. I'll take a walk in nature

And study the ground for tracks. I'll be single focused and

I'll say no to listening to the problems of others and take a bath instead.

I'll read something beautiful before I fall asleep

Or maybe I'll sit and listen to my heart beat.

You say he's not your match but he finds you adorable. He looks into your
eyes

And says sweet nothings but he's not the one for you. The time spent
longing for the right man was the right woman in you.

Make yourself happy. Learn something new everyday. Be kind to your body
honor your moon time by not having sex. Instead daydream with the cloud
people and lie in the grass under the sun. Seek the stars at night and pick
one out to talk with. Say it is you. Women are the answer. Yet we were
told early from birth we are second to men. Listen to me, "We did not come
from their rib."

They had it backwards all those books that men wrote, rules for possessing
women.

The struggle women earned was in making someone else happier than they.

A woman created woman this is who you must learn to love. The world would
be

A happier place if all the women did what made them happy. You'll know when
love has filled your heart for self and spills over to him and to her. Love
will shine through you making a way for nurturing and tenderness. Then all
the men in the world will be content and happy too.

This is my dream to feel so happy and know that all the women were doing the
same. It's time for you daughters to listen to these words when you are
happy war will cease. I feel happy today my joy is growing this is the
woman's way.

Elk Looks Back

Ten or 15 years ago, "codependency" was the issue du jour [I threw that French in just for you!]. Women, especially, started thinking that it was just fine and dandy to be strong and capable on their own. But they [we] missed what you've just written about. It IS okay to want/need affection from an Other. Seems to me it's an essential part of our human make-up. I remember reading an article in "Cosmopolitan" about 'healthy codependency.' My women friends thought I'd crossed over to the Dark Side. But I was just being real.

As you are.

... you must be in my heart.. you MUST be. How can you know exactly what I'm feeling right.this.minute????

Such inspiration, such strength in admitting weakness and want and the need for love and affection.

Sometimes it DOES feel like something's wrong with you if you don't have anyone who loves you (and that's true even when some of us have been married a long time. I'm inspired by your words.... think I could tattoo this whole post on my hand so I can remember it all?

Of course it's not wrong to want some affection. You're human. It's okay. Being strong and okay with who you are doesn't mean being an emotionally dead robot. You can love life and still want more out of life and our interactions with other people.

You're doing great.

Cute story about your parents. Now I want some onion rings.... or fried green tomatoes. ;)

You write so beautifully, Laurie, thanks again

Here I am, on your doorstep, holding a big ol' plate of freshly cooked onion rings....

CONGRATULATIONS!

you overcame the huge hurdle of going out again! you got your feet wet, and now you've got the yearnings...i'd say nature's tangy little reminder that after all that, (end of marriage, divorce, mourning the married you, mourning the single you, and learning to not mourn being you, gracious, don't we all just have to grit our teeth and go through it!), you are now ready to get out there a little bit. thank the disappearing dater for a little breath of fresh spring air, (do y'all even have spring out there?), and be proud of your yearnings!
o...here's the pound cake: as you find yourself "putting yourself out there" a little bit more...all "risky" behavior aside, of course...pick against type...you know what i mean, doncha? similar, maybe, but just not quite the same ole thing...you'll know it when you see it!

Awesome post! Thank you. You have obviously found the beauty within that we all stuggle to find, or are so thankful that we have found. You are in an awesome place. Bless you...

To the person who posted about loving yourself, you can love yourself all you want and still want to love someone else, too. I don't know why people think the ONLY frigging key to happiness is to "love yourself." Sometimes you need to get love from other people too. We'd all be extinct if all we did is sit around and love ourselves.

Sorry that anonymous person above was me, forgot to put in my name. Vivica (who loves herself and wants someone to share the love)

I understand what you are saying.. I feel that a lot myself. We lose a lot when we have other things to worry about!
And hey I live in Arkansas!!!! Thats cool that your mom and dad were here and that we were actually nice to them! lol

My husband and I broke up last September after 10 years together. I met a wonderful guy online about 6 weeks ago, but Mr. Wonderful is showing his true spots now and I am again faced with the possibility of breaking up. The thought is terrifying! But somehow reading your post is calming. It is nice to know that, however crappy the situation, other people have lived through it and are ok. Not that I want others to suffer like I am, but it is a kind of strength in numbers thing.

Your posts make me laugh myself silly most days, but this one was especially well-timed for me. Thanks for your insights!

Thank you for sharing your life with us out here in cyberspace. You're one of a kind, Laurie.

I love reading your blog site. This passage made me cry. You hit the nail on the proverbial head. You have alot of courage to write openly and honestly the way you do. I have had crappy relationships that have rippd my heart open all bloody and raw too. It sucked big time, but like you are doing.. I grew alot too. And grew stronger and found that I would take zero crapola from wankers like that HUGE wanker that simply stopped calling. But it was hell. Sheer hell. and I had cats too.Consider yourself lucky that your guardian angels pulled that walk away wanker boy away from your life NOW instead of when you were married with yet another cat in the oven. I am the wacky gal who sent you the anne taintor postcards. You are simply wonderful. Do not throw your pearls to swine dearest. You are too precious. and of course, we all want love and affection. Run far away from someone who claims they don't need love or affection. Run like the friggin winds of mariah! You deserve someone who will worship you and adore your kitties too. I was unmarried with 2 cats at the age of 35 when the supposed love of my life dumped my butt in what felt like a Kamakazi raid on my heart. But, after endless horrible dates with men like wanker walk away boy I stumbled upon my husband(key word stumbled)... You are precious Laurie. And you deserve lots and lots of true real love.And it will come to you. Your guardian angels are simply on a search for the right one for you. Be patient. And don't settle. Never settle. Oh hell no to settling!

Why is it wrong to want to share that kind of closeness and affection with another human being? Never settle!

Where are you today? Hope you and Roy (and all others) are OK. Just know you are missed by many!

Just wondering if you are alright. It's weird having a friend you can't call and check on!

Hi :) I'm fine, thank you. It's just been hella busy at work today and now I'm going to go home and sit quietly with a glass of wine. G'night ya'll!

so glad to hear ya. cheers

Not like you need another comment but this post touched me so. You are describing me about 18 years ago. In my late 20's my ex dropped me for a 15 year old. I learned to live alone (with my cats - hey, how come when you're together, you're that cute couple with 6 cats and then when you split up you're the weird lady with 3 cats?) I had a hard time going to the movies alone, eating out alone, just being with myself. But what a learning experience. And the shaky new relationships...until I became comfortable with someone new and went on with my life. But I'm no longer afraid to live with myself any longer. It's certainly OK to want and need human affection. Every day is an adventure and you sound like you're doing fine.

You might be interested in some of Sarah Ban Breathnach books . She sounds like you when she writes. Her latest is 'Moving on.' Haven't read it but read 'Excavating the authentic self". her site is "http://www.simpleabundance.com/sarah.html"
OR you could write one yourself.

To Kathy the poster above. Aren't cats wonderful healing animals!!

Your posts where you speak from your heart are always the best, although your yarn sagas crack me up at times. Fugly scarves, huh?

As a fulltime RVer I'll look forward to perhaps meeting up with your folks someday. I bet they have some good stories for the campfire! It's a great lifestyle.

What a moving post. You're absolutely right, there's no weakness in wanting that connection.

Laurie - Good for you, going out. And good for you for all those months you have stayed home and done your emotional homework, and have gone out w the knitters and done your emotional homework.

In response to your question: Nothing wrong w being a couple, nothing at all. It is only a problem if your desire to be a part of a couple muddles your mind and your heart and you find yourself investing time and love in an inappropriate relationship.

I'm writing in the spirit of been-there-done-that-sisterhood to pass on a piece of wisdom that I discovered during my lonely / becoming independent phase: I needed physical contact w others. Pets count. They count alot. But I also needed humans. I discovered that treating myself to massages (the California kind where the therapist deals w your body and your soul) kept the craziness at bay. My finances were tight but I came to the conclusion that this was a necessity not a luxury.

Might be you don't need it, but keep it in mind.

Keep going forward. You can do it. You are doing it.