{{{Laurie}}} I lived it myself, once upon a time a million years ago.

To try and make you laugh, just remember "Like a bad burrito, this, too, shall pass..."

Oh, those dreams. They're supposed to be helpful, and all, but sometimes you just have to get up and smoke at 4am. Been there - not with a divorce, but with a death, and that's a scary one too.

I'm with Susie - like a bad burrito...etc. :) Rock on, Laurie!

You and I had our husbands leave at the same time. No warning -- though looking back, hindsight and all, something was not quite what it used to be, unspoken malaise, secrets, new life being forged betraying a complete and total trust -- it still shocked me to the core. I was literally shaken -- almost saw it happening to me as a spectator it was so far removed from what I understood our life to be. But, someone leaves and you have only two choices: pick up the pieces of your life, reconfigure it into a new shape all your own or give up the ship entirely. Some days I wanted to do the latter, and maybe only didn't because of the furry family that was now all mine that he also left behind...or because it would have broken my mom's heart...or because somewhere deep down I listened to my inner Gloria Steinem and didn't want to set the women's movement back 500 years..or a wee bit of me wanted to prove to myself that I could pick it all up and do it even with a broken heart. And so, even now after a lot of time I still have good days and sad days. And, like you, he comes to me in my dreams when all I want from those sleeping hours is peace from my worries. And sometimes he's leaving all over again and it reopens the wound. And sometimes, even worse, we are as we used to be and we are in love and I smell that smell that is him that was warm and familiar and the smell of HOME and I wake up with tears rolling down my face. I wish he didn't come to my dreams, but I have to accept that my head is working it out in ways I can't understand...and maybe someday I will dream of the good memories and it will look distant and hard to remember because new life and love will fill in the gap between then and now. Thanks, Laurie, for your brave truth telling. I needed that now, especially, when it seems everywhere are families and couples and barbeques and laughter and I feel haunted by what I've lost.

>>like when you used to wake up next to him and you had dreamed he cheated on you, and you woke up mad and wronged.<<

Oh my, I do that. A lot.
I love your posts even when they make me cry. Hang in there. :)

All part of the process, I think. Congrats to you for having a life that is far better than your dreams. And you have no one to thank but yourself for that. I'm happy for you that the nasty dream happened on a weekend when you could roll over and go back to sleep (after the Cava and the ciggies, of course). Enjoy that extra day off tomorrow.

This was such a powerful entry. Thanks for writing it.

You are ok now. (and though you've probably heard it a bazillion times, you really are better off without him.)

Dream? He sounds like a nightmare.
Thank goodness you are in a place where you can wake up and realize you are okay. Dreams often get me wondering about our minds and why they tell the stories they do. It is some sort of self therapy or just a head game your body is playing on you?
Either way. He is gone and you can be yourself, the survivor with four cats and and a spider and a huge following of blog stalkers who care about you.
And that waking up all sweaty will return in your forties. Glad to read a weekend post.

Oh, honey. Those dreams will get farther apart, I swear. You are making a wonderful life for yourself, and he should be jealous of it, the creep. He'll never get to where you are emotionally, because he can't.

very powerful entry - hugs

My sympathies to you - I've been there.

It's soul destroying when you can't escape, even in your dreams.

I always want to read all the comments, but I don't have time right now, but I did want to say that I had a very similar dream (my X, not yours as the main star) and it's just scary. Was last night some kind of bad-wake-up-crying-at-4am-night? Cuz I didn't get the memo and I feel like crap today because of it....

Feel better. I'm planning on getting rather sloshed tonight...yey 3 day weekends.

I hate dreams. Sometimes they are like movie theaters where the chairs lock you in once you sit down and some psychotic little circus man runs the projector, twirling his mustache and picking through the worst of your memories. He doesn't care what order he shows them in, backwards, forwards, never-ending loops. His joy is watching you writhe and struggle to break out of the dream.

Maybe we should make voodoo dolls of the evil little circus man and stomp on him when we wake all sweaty and lost in the middle of the night.

I hate dreams.

Ah the elusive weekend post... always so meaty and raw...

I'm glad that you are free.

i've been having those dreams, but about another trauma i've suffered recently. it's on my blog, if anyone is interested. anyway, i hate it, that waking up out of a dead sleep crying or terrified or just plain freaking out. i feel you. i had those dreams when my husband and i split up too. hopefully today has shown you that it is was all just a bad dream and your life now is just so much better.

on a completely different note, designed to lighten the mood, i got the jordana paige knitting satchel. OMG, it is so totally cool. i love it in a really disturbing way. thanks for getting me into the knitting, and having that ad up for the bag. thank you thank you thank you!!!

I've never been through divorce, but your words are so beautifully written, and so strong. Thank you for posting it.

I, too, have walked that path. It may never go away all together but it fades to a dim memory. Enjoy your wonderful self and know that you are truly loved.

i hate those dreams. you're brave and strong to be writing about them. xo

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} Hope you sleep better tonight.

I am sorry you had one of those horrible dreams, but I am glad that you woke up and realised that he will never have that power over you again, and that you have a darn good cat-filled yarn-strewn life without him.

I do the same thing. Only it usually happens when I'm trying to quit smoking, trying a new diet, or starting a new job. I always do something in my dream that induces a panic attack until I realize and reassure myself that it was indeed "just a dream".

Funny how that doesn't always help though! I like to focus on all the cool and positive shit I've done and that makes me feel better about whatever I'm freaking out about. But that's just me, and it's only 6pm on a Sunday and I've already had several, but that doesn't change the fact I love your blog!!! Rock on you sexy bitch, you deserve happiness and then some and then some...

I am a lurker, and a regular reader rather than a regular commenter, but this moved me deeply. To have something like this happen to you is so fragmenting that it's no wonder, although it's no help, that your dreams go through it again. But that you can wake up and be all right, that you can write it again, and be all right, that you are still standing, and all right, is glorious and amazing and uplifting, to all of us who have the chance to read your blog.

You are - so clearly -- better off without him.

Sometimes I think that guy who said "better to have loved & lost than never to have loved at all" was full of crap. Reach out to your friends and family and remind yourself that your ARE loved and remember all the new friends and blog would-be friends that you have created ALL BY YOURSELF who esteem and admire you and cheer you on, and might possibly cause bodily harm to that ratbastard Mr. X if we ever ran into him. With an 18-wheeler, it is to be hoped (just kidding). Hope your w/e improves, and even though the suckage quotient is high, remember, it's just a dream. High, high, high level of suckage in that one you had- bad subconscious! Bad!

Laurie, that was so beautifully written.

Thank you.

I think this might be the best piece you ever wrote (except the funny cat ones, duh.. :)). Look how the fact that he left only made him some dumb dependent selfish guy, but it turned you into a remarkable and magnificent person. Wow. You're just.. Wow.

Thank you for showing me that someday, waking up in This Life will be comforting.

You know what, Laurie? A whole bunch of us love you! I came here today on the off chance you may have posted and found two! And they both were true sharings of your beautiful and strong self. Because you have become so beautiful and strong -- a year ago you had promise, and in this past year you have so surpassed it! I am proud to read your blog; I am proud to recommend you to my friends; I am proud of the woman you are growing to be. Keep up your strength, take nourishment from the memories and dreams, love the cats. You will be fine.

hugs

(((((())))))

Somehow I knew you weren't really taking a break.

Those dreams, they get me everytime. Somehow they seep into your day time thoughts and grab hold and don't let go.

Luckily, they are only dreams.

xox

Oh, sweetie! You're just workin' it out. In all the day to day stuff,I think we just push it out of the way-but at night when we are vulnerable, it comes back. You are letting go, and that's a long, long process. Thank you for sharing yourself, and helping us all realize that we are not alone.

I want to say so many things to this - but they all come down to one thing. I came here to read about someone who knits and now I have a feeling we have far far more in common than only that. I am sorry about the dream - and I am sorry about the past. But, I'm so glad you have such a healthy attitude about the future. Good for you.

Love love love,
Kate

I'm so proud of you.

Sending lots of {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and tons of love XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!

Nothing worse than grief dreams. Nobody warned me about them when I went thru my divorce. It wasn't till the second time they happened that somebody explained what they were to me.

Just remember...This too shall pass!

They always have to come back and haunt you in your dreams, don't they? At least the dreams are phantasm, whereas the real Mr. X is (at least in my pathetic case) the real nightmare.

You are such a gifted writer. Beautiful post.

Sending you some virtual margaritas! I hate dreams that leave you crying, awake, and in a full blown panic attack. I can't wait until you starting blogging new dreams of you being Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, getting revenge on Mr. X with a sword.

Hang in there Laurie!! All your blogging friends are cheering for you!!

I am sitting here dogsitting (I will be so glad to return to my cats tomorrow) and sipping a glass of Cab.

The dream sounds awful but it sounds like you are truly starting to put that part of your life behind you. Congrats! Just for that I may have to have one more glass of wine.

Laurie,
Such eloquent words. I love knowing that you know that you are okay.

I think for my next project, I will knit a Mr. X voodoo doll.

I believe that what goes around comes around, and he will learn this, too. In a bad way. A REALLY bad way.

I often think it but don't say it when reading your blog. Thanks for your writing. It has helped me get through my break up over the past year...

It can be very painful when your subconscious mind is working through things. I know it's hard to go through, but it is a healing process. Just know that it's like a boil. It has to get lanced. But once it's lanced it will bother you less and less until finally it is healed.

What an honest and beautifully written post/blog. There may come a day when you will run into him, perhaps have a short conversation, and when you turn to walk away the only thought running through your mind will be "What the hell was I thinking?!"

You have many admirers and I'm one of them.

Laurie, I am walking this path now -- I'm 3 weeks into being soon-to-be-divorced -- and your posts give me strength. Thank you.

{{{{{{{Laurie}}}}}}}

Someday you'll dream you're past it and home free, and it'll be true.

Love,

DG

I don't normally comment to blogs, but I cried when I read your post, because it brought back memories that hurt.

It really does pass and you will be comfortable in YOUR life.

I will never forget the day that I woke up and discovered that I felt nothing for my ex-husband except for pity. No love, no hate, just a vague sort of pity. That was one of the best days of my life.

That was over 16 years ago. Since then, I have made a life for myself. When I had stopped looking for love, I found a man who loves me (not for my body, not for a meal ticket) for myself, as I do him.

If no one else has told you this, living well is the best revenge!

Now when I have nightmares, it comes in the form of still being married to the stupid so-and-so...

Love and prayers for you,

Janet

Thanks for writing that. I too am plagued with the bad dreams.

Keep on keepin' on.

See, Kim has the right idea. Your next knitting project should be a Mr X voodoo doll (with hat and scarf).

And I am awake also at 4 a.m., reading blogs, because I don't want to go back to those dreams. Trying to find my way out of what has become an abusive marriage with four amazing little boys, all I want to find is peace in my sleep. A few weeks ago, I dreamed of a tall blonde man named Joe who stood in my kitchen and held me while I cried and told me it was all over now, I survived, and he would never leave me, always protect me. I hope every night that he will come back, or, even better, be real somewhere, looking for me too.
Laurie, thank you so much for showing me, again, that I am not the only one, because I so often feel like I am. Your honesty and openness show what an amazing person you are.

Aww honey... I used to have the same recurring dream after my separation/divorce too, used to scare the crap out of me to the point of not being able to go back to sleep. But, as I worked it out in my head, the dreams changed and they were more of an annoyance than anything else. I no longer let them affect me. I'm so much better off now - AND SO ARE YOU. Take it day by day, OK?

Big honkin' group Internets HUG to you and the kitties!! {{{{{{}}}}}}

So, Jamaican cricket player lunch? Do tell!

Hugs for {{{{carie and her boys}}}. Be safe.

(HUG)

I hardly ever remember my dreams, and I think that's probably a good thing. It seems like whenever I do remember them it's because they wake me up out of a sound sleep because they were disturbing and/or unhappy. I probably do have happier dreams, but I never remember them, it seems. Makes me feel kind of cheated.

Hope the rest of your long weekend is good.

A-fucking-men, sugar.

I want to say something, but I don't know what. What a heartwrenching moment. Thank you for sharing it with us.

It'll be 2 years in June since my ex left me and now he's marrying someone else. I don't want him and it's a blessing that he's gone but I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night, freaked out that he's marrying someone else when he's supposed to be with me. Your post took my breath away...

Dreams have a very painful way of sorting through the stash of our brain. I can't help but agree with Janet's post that one day you will wake up and there will just be pity - no sadness, no anger, no tears. And I say a little prayer that the day comes sooner than later.

Here is a recipe for disarming the disturbing aftertaste of bad dreams. As soon as you can after waking up, preferably while you are still half asleep, write the ending of the dream in your head. If it's a scary monster-chasing-you dream, you might say to yourself "There's a door right there that I didn't notice before. I'll just nip in there and be safe." For your Mr. X, you might have him trip so he falls flat on his face on his way out, or you might suddenly notice that he has put on weight and somewhat resembles a pig, or whatever makes you feel better. Try it next time - it really helps to take away the dream-hangover.

To quote your sidebar: "One day, this too shall pass."

Knit yourself a dreamcatcher. Sending hugs & good karma...

Laurie, Laurie, Laurie, once again, your words are so eloquent. We are waiting for a book to come out of you. I think you are the only person who doesn't get how incredibly talented and wonderful your writing is. You are so funny and charming and then every so often you write something so heart breaking that we all want to come give you a hug and buy you a drink.

There's a lot I could say, but, it wouldn't mean all that much. Just air moving around carrying sounds. I'll say a prayer for you. Maybe the air will carry a sound up to God and it will mean something then.

Oh Laurie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through the same thing after my divorce from the Dickhead - - there were many nights I woke up sweating and scared, my heart pounding, and crying uncontrollably. I was scared to go to sleep, because in my dreams I would live through the betrayal all over again.

But it WILL pass, and life WILL get better. I have now been married for 20 years to a wonderful man, and my life back then with Mr. X is just a faint memory. So hang in there.

{{{HUGS}}} from Central Illinois.

Liz

**HUGS**
You are such a great person with such a gift for the written word

Its been 4 years and I still dream sometimes. In one, I was hiding under the bed while he and she unpacked their bags. I've dreamt that he's begging me to get back together...and vice versa. I've dreamt that I've babysat their daughters so they could have sex. I've beat him up and he's beat me down. He is not him in these dreams, but rather a reflection of my version of him. Sometimes he's powerful, and sometimes I am. Sometimes I can trace why I had the dream, other times its out of the blue.

Wierd. Thank god its just a dream.

Don't worry, Eventually, your unconcious will have the dream when you let him go.

Then, a while later, you will have the unexpected dream when he just turns up, and you tell him that you are just fine, and it's like you didn't ever need him.

It takes a while, but the unconcious will cotton on evenutally, and it feels so bloody wonderful it is unreal. :-)

*hugs*

just dropped my daughter off at the ex's house. there SHE was, all perky and smily and mowing the lawn. how come we never had a chance to maintain a home together? this too shall pass...this too shall pass....your post was great. you are not alone my cyber friend.

Laurie, I have a slightly different take on this FWIW... the "everything is part of the dreamer" method of dream interpretation. I would say that in this dream Mr. X represents you as you used to be, as you thought you were, with him. You feel that person leaving, or more likely she already left, and you are different now. However good change may be, it is also scary. Even when you choose it and fully control it, still scary. You have every right to be scared, and you have every right to grieve that departed piece of you.

I think, though, that a person's basic nature doesn't change. The person you are now was there all along; the person you used to be is still there, older, wiser, sadder maybe, but still there.

True as all this may be, life is still gonna suck sometimes, and it will be slogging through mud and seem impossible to lift one foot and bring it forward one more time. Yell and we'll throw you a rope. (ties virtual chocolate and wine bottle onto end of virtual rope, throws rope)

I know I say this a lot... hang in there.

*HUGS HUGS HUGS*

I hate those flashback dreams. Promise they do come further and further apart.

Oh, my! First of all, it sucks, doesn't it? And 5 years on from my own Mr. X, I have a whole catalogue of dreams. This isn't one-up-manship, but hopefully will create a chuckle or 2.

Most recent dream: He comes back into my life, saying he made a mistake and wants to come back. Assumes that I will agree and sets about to change my whole life to his convienience. I am powerless outside, but inside I'm saying NO!!

Less recently: He leaves his now wife, and moves back with me, expecting me to take him and his BABY back.

Most memorable: The slit he left me for is saying she's pregnant, and somehow I need to take a pee test to make sure I'm not preggers, too. I wake up(really) and find myself standing over the end of my bed pissing everywhere! Slept on the couch after that, until I got rid of the bed.

Living well is the best revenge, baby!!!!!

D big hug to you Laurie - The dreams are hard, but as time moves on..the dreams become further and further apart.

Hang in there Aunt Purl

Laurie,

My husband up and left me and our two kids, too, in 2003. Now I scratch my head and wonder what his current girlfriend sees in him. I actually chuckle inside when I think about that and it feels great. But I was in the depths of despair at one time, too. You will move past this. It just takes time. But happiness is around the corner for you, too. Thanks for writing from your heart.

-Ariel

Your words could not have come at a better time. I'm at the beginning of this process (my soon-to-be-ex-husband has been moving into his new apartment this weekend). I realize that the past year has been tremendously difficult for you, but please know that your words have let me know that people do, actually, emerge on the other side of this, in better shpae than ever. It's meant a lot to me. Thanks.

They say people in your dreams dont represent actual people but a part of yourself

Powerful piece of writing. Moving piece too.

Laurie,

I went to a dream analyizing head shrinker while trying to stop crying about an ex-boyfriend etc. I learned that the people in your dreams often represent some aspect of your own personality. So maybe you are afraid of looseing the part of you that was like him or that he brought out in you that you are afraid to let go of...good or bad. Or that could all be B.S. Just think about what happens to that burrito....flush!

From reading your posts and the comments here it is clear that you are loved and /or valued by your family, friends, lurkers (like myself) and 4 passive-agressive cats.

I am sad and happy for you, all at once.
Mostly happy, though.
Now, the sheets are your own.
Now, your life is simply your own.

It's like when a stone is thrown in a pond. The ripples go out and disturb the pool. Once the ripples go out, they sometimes hit the bank and come back. It takes a lot of patience to go through the ripples a second time. Have faith. This too shall pass.

It will be alright. ((((HUGS)))))).

people suck.

Those dreams just continue to help you sort through the jumble of feelings he left you holding. I pray they bring you closer each time to not just good-bye but good-riddance.

I wish I would have had your blog when I went through my own goodbyes, over ten years ago. I know it would have helped me embrace my feelings earlier, instead of running scared. You are so brave and I'm so proud of you. You get stronger every day and I consider myself blessed to see your growth.

Holy Crap!

Are you going to end up one of those women that people look at and say I wonder what the hell happened to her.

Time for some tough love.

Laurie

How eloquent and touching and sad and hopeful all at the same time. Thanks for posting it.

Girlfriend, HUGS!
Reenie

The whole time my husband was sick, I never dreamed at all. After he died, I've done nothing but dream. Weird dreams. Oh, and cry in the shower and the car. Doesn't seem to matter WHY they leave, just that dammit, once they're gone, there's a hole the size of the Grand Canyon there. One day at a time, I guess, one hour at a time when needed, glass or two of wine... whatever it takes, right?

The whole time my husband was sick, I never dreamed at all. After he died, I've done nothing but dream. Weird dreams. Oh, and cry in the shower and the car. Doesn't seem to matter WHY they leave, just that dammit, once they're gone, there's a hole the size of the Grand Canyon there. One day at a time, I guess, one hour at a time when needed, glass or two of wine... whatever it takes, right?

So strange, I have these grief dreams too and had one Sat night, also awoke at 4:00.

I am ashamed to tell you how many years ago that breakup was. And I feel completely over it in the light of day.

I do feel betrayed by my head whenever I dream about him. The dreams are getting less traumatizing every time. But I still have to spend some time detoxing when I awake from them.

Yuck.

You really have my sympathy. I'm a believer in the Jungian idea that people in my dreams are aspects of myself. When my ex shows up, which he now does only rarely, it means I'm putting myself into a subservient, powerless situation in my real life somewhere. It also means I have the power to change the whole mess, if I can just recognize how, so that's the positive side.
I put a therapist on the payroll for many years, and one thing she promised me was that anniversary dates would really one day come and go without painful echoes. I told her I hoped that was true. Honest to goodness, to my complete amazement, (many years later) it was true.
You were way too good for him. Still are.
Hang in there.

Lee, I believe in the Jungian idea about dreams, too, and I do thank you (and so many others, thank you!) who posted about having a similar experience, an errant dream. Leigh, I feel a little betrayed by it too, because as about anyone who reads this diary knows... I'm done. Finito! Or trying. Each day forward is lovely, even when it's not, because it's forward. Onward.

Having said that ... to the person who says I'm a bitter shell of a hag who people will meet and wonder "Gee, what happened to her?" Are you serious? Tough love?

It was a dream. Just a dream.

Hi! I just started reading your blog recently and I love it!! I stumbled upon it somehow and I am not even sure how I got here but I book marked it and I read it ALOT now. I read this post and my heart broke for you. It's a pain only another broken heart knows thats for sure. Please know that in time, it might not heal all the way, but it will scab over enough that it doesn't pull the hairs everytime you drape clothes over it. Remember, walk by faith, not by sight!

I have that same dream... except in my case.. it hasn't happened yet...

not a happy thing to dream about and then to wake up and realize all of that is yet to come....

Now I'm cryin'..

Laurie, Put down the knitting needles and go mingle with some singles!!!! You have made lots of friends through this. There must be some outdoor music events. Lots of california sunshine. Wine tasting would be fun. YOU WILL OK.

oh honey, I had those crappy dreams too. I used to smoke too. the dreams stopped. the smoking stopped. The constant wieght on my chest stopped. It will stop for you too. You are are going to be okay. You are so loved. You are getting stronger. Everything will be alright.

Ah, Laurie, we have those dreams ... but you write about them better than anyone.

Now, if you could only wake up after the dreams in which he has gained 100 pounds and is now into men....I actually had one of those!

Days will come when the dreams that wake you are happy ones. These days -- two years A.B. -- I dream of houses full of antiques and beautiful vibrant paint colors, and when I wake up, my pillow smells of a soft, clean dog who has never once lied to me, never once put me second (OK, except for very brief moments in time when someone else was eating steak, but those were MILLISECONDS).

I can't, in honesty, say it will pass. I think that if you loved him with death-do-us-part love, his leaving won't change your feelings. You'll always have a part of you that loves him, so there's always going to be pain in that moment of loss. When you re-live it in your dreams, you re-feel it.

I know my ex and I don't belong together. But I still love her and I still miss her. When she shows up in my dreams, I try to get her to talk things out with me. It never works.

Gutsy to show us how it feels to be you.

Ugh. I had the same kind of dream this week. I felt "off" all day. You wrote about it beautifully.

I remember waking up the first morning after my husband had left -- I had that momentary confusion about where I was and why it felt different and then it ALL came slamming back at me at once. I felt physically crushed by the force and the horror of it. I remember literally thinking, "I'll just never go to sleep again, because I won't survive waking up feeling fine, and then realizing it all over again."

There were lots of mornings that still sucked after that, but I survived. He already left me, and I already survived, and I'm so glad to be where I am now.

I keep having weird vivid dreams like that. I hate those dreams. I hate how I feel afterwards. Years have passed, but it feels so fresh for awhile after the dream.

I know it is the mind's way of healing or something like that, but I really wish I didn't have to remember them when I woke up.

Wish you many peaceful nights...

Laurie:

You probably won't even read this now that it's June 11--unfortunately I don't have a chance to read your blog every day. But I just wanted to remind you that if he'd never left you might never have started this blog--you might never have made the Wall Street Journal--you might never have used your incredible writing and knitting talent. Some great things are coming out of this--be GLAD you're one of those people who have the heart and soul to let that happen.