Stopped by your blog... We don't know each other but I once was also a divorced woman with four cats... And I also once went on a trip after all was said and done, and cried and cried in an empty hotel room that I'd been looking forward to, even though I also did not love him anymore at all. Not even close.

It gets better with time, I promise.

Ally

Yeah, there should be a guidebook ... I've been divorced over 20 years, and married for 16 now, and now and again there is a brief moment where I miss my ex still. Shared memories, particularly about places or people (like kids, for instance), stay attached to the person you were with at the time, and there isn't any way past that, not even making new memories with a new special person in that place, though it helps.
Worst is to occasionally dream about him ... usually the dream involves his new wife (new? 20 years now wife!) and how inadequate I am in comparison to her, and how my new husband (still new after 16 years ... ) is unlike him in so many ways. Which is a GOOD thing, don't get me wrong, but it's still ... different.
But the things that were wrong with him as a husband are still wrong with him, only now someone else has to deal with them. And the things that were "wrong" with me as a wife don't bother my current honey.
The death of a relationship is still a death of great importance to the folks who invested their hearts in it, and you have to take time to mourn it. And it will never leave entirely, just like you never completely get "over" the death of a friend or a loved one, but it DOES get easier, and you do make new friends and folks to share your life with, and it becomes less important.
It sucks to say this, but it just takes time and the intent to move on with your life ... you are a remarkable woman, judging by your blog; you'll come out shining, and find someone who's worthy of you and your living-out-loud life.

Hmmm... Laurie, my feeling, based on my experience, is that you are crying for the love part, not the crappy leaving or the mundane day-by-day. And, yay, for Revisionism, just don't let it take you too far back. It's the way we live and love. I would hate to think there was not one moment (or trip) that was memorable and worthy. And, no we do not need carpet baggers. Just keep on and move on.

Your entry is very moving. I think it's possible that what you miss is the warmth of another body--I know that was the case for me after my divorce. Even though your mind doesn't miss the _________ (fill in the blank with negative trait here), in some ways your body misses your ex-mate. It DOES get a lot better, a daily subtraction of affection will occur--but you are not at that place yet, but you will be, esp. since you're not in denial and seem to be facing it head on. Good luck and keep writing, your blog is THE FUNNIEST knitting blog out there!

I think if you've loved someone it is natural to miss moments of time with that person. And mourning the loss of those moments/chunks of time are good, because you know that your time wasn't a complete wasted investment. Even if it ends horribly, even if you've moved on to better things. Which you clearly have...

It's all right to miss what you once had, even if you don't want it anymore. You go along thinking this is what life is, and you get comfortable, even confident. When everything changes, part of you is gone, and even if it is for the best, it's still a loss that is worth mourning.

Hi Laurie,
First of all, I absolutely love you and I'm so happy I've gotten to know you by reading your blog! Secondly, I had a hysterectomy several years ago and never had the chance to have kids. Of course, I was very sad but was doing OK. Then one day I read a story in the paper about this woman who had killed nine (9)!!! of her children while they were babies and for many years every one thought it was Sudden Infant Death Syndrome so they did not suspect her of this horrible crime. Anyway, I read this story and it hit me, I will never have children and this woman had just killed these innocent babies... and I started crying, sobbing out of control for hours and I was at work of all places!
I went to our company psycologist and she told me that I was grieving. It had been about a year since my surgery and I had been trying to be OK for everyone else and this was the trigger that set me off. It is natural, it is normal, it is painful but it is the process we go through to help us through our pain.
It has been several years and I get very sad sometimes but she also told me that I was in love with the "romantic idea" of having a baby not the reality of being a mother. I think its kinda the same thing with your marriage, its the romantic notion of what could have been rather than what you really had. I babble but I hope I was able to convey something helpful for you. Take care.

This is my first time to comment- I have been reading your blog for awhile, I have never commented because usually there are already a hundred or so comments by the time I get to the post!

I just wanted to tell you that your blog never ceases to entertain, you are an incredible writer and your honesty about your divorce and the "living out loud" inspires me.

I think the crying is juct letting go of the security and the illusion that you felt with him as being a part of a safe little unit, a couple. Like you said, letting go of the love that you thought that you had.You are dealing with it so well and thank you for writing.

You are mourning the loss of what was, and what you hoped it would be. You can, and do miss some of the stuff without missing the man. I miss someone touching me, (though, really, he wasn't much of a toucher), of hearing someone sleeping there, of knowing someone was at home and that you belonged there, because it was your home, too. You are actually doing really well. After my first divorce- I was very young, and it was a short marriage- it took me years, because I was so ashamed to have made such a stupid choice, and I greived for it for a long time. The second one, 25 years later, ended years before I left and I was absolutely sure it was the right thing, and I have not regretted it, not for one second.

It takes as long as it takes. You were blindsided and had no time to prepare because you had no hint of problems. That takes the longest to get over. But one day you will wake up, and it isn't the first thing you think of, or will will realize you went a whole day without thinking about it or being sad. Or you will go to a place you two went to, and you won't think about that till you get back home. baby steps, missy, baby steps. You are doing great!

Laurie, you are not alone. I will be divorced a year this June and have just recently gotten to the point where I do not think of the ex every day. Revisionism maybe, memories, seven years worth of memories and life and shared history, for sure. And like you, we traveled together and had adventures and it was OURS. We ate and hiked and searched cheesy tourist shops for our kitschy collectibles and no one else was part of that it was all ours. And now it's over and I took my first vacation without him. And in the middle of paradise with my dear mom all I could think was that my heart was breaking because the reality that we'd never have this again slayed me. I cried in the shower every morning. I can only hope that it will fade. But the memories will always be there. I guess I hope he remembers, too. Your honesty makes me feel so comforted.

Laurie, I really think you already have it all figured out. A loss is a loss no matter what kind of loss it is. 7 years ago, my father succumbed to cancer after a three year fight with it. I probably grieved harder in his last few months as I prepared to lose him than I actually did after he died. But now, seven years later, something can still trigger a happy memory of my dad that sends me right back into the grief barrel. I don't go back in time to the spot where things were bad though, but to the part where he was healthy.

Am I making any fuckin' sense? Paris was a trigger for you to remember those happier times with the assboobie and sometimes when those triggers are hit, it can send us to the depths of despair for an instant.What I think the difference is, is that once that instant is over, you know you are fine and that your life is good. You're not forced to wallow in the pain now, but it does still hit at times when you are reminded.

Yeah, I think once we love someone, we always love them in some way, shape or form. We might not want them back or even want to ever see them again, but love is a personal thing and giving it should not be something taken lightly and because of that, our love for someone always remains a part of us.
And ya know...don't be embarrassed. You're sounding pretty damn normal to me....well, as normal as our Crazy Aunt Purl could possible be!

I felt for you reading that post. Feel for me? 45, never married, no one even hinted at wanting to, haven't been asked on a date since I was 29. Kind of lonely too and have cried till my face screws up over just being a major reject... You are a doll and you will have love again.

Your hand-book on Divorce is on the book shelf...right behind my handbook on Life and in front of my handbook on how to make a million (tax free)dollars in your sleep....
Remind me to explain my BILLIARDS THEORY OF LIFE one day.

Lurve me some weekend postin'...I get in the top 50!!!!!

What Ginnie said. It's not necessarily the man, it's the life that you thought you were going to have. It has to all be re-written, re-worked, re-dreamed. It's a beginning where you expected to have a building, a continuation of history.

Laurie,

I've not been divorced but I've been through loss and what you are experiencing is normal and healthy although you may not believe this. It never seems to happen at the right time or place but you let a little bit of the rejection and pain and grief go each time you have one of these meltdowns. My heart goes out to you, kiddo.

I feel ya hun. My son's father has been gone for 7 years now and out of the blue the other day I sat thinking about him. I didn't cry. (this time) I wasn't even really missing HIM. I missed what was supposed to be our life together. I was actually feeling sorry FOR him. He isn't the one that gets be with our son. He is the one that is missing out on a great thing. Just like how your ex is missing out on the cuteness that is you. :P

He's part of your past, and will always be. It's easiest to remember the ugly pieces, but then sometimes the nice memories return, too. It's all part of what makes you you. (And although it does get easier, it still sneaks up on you sometimes.)

To be honest, I think it's more about missing certain aspects of yourself than missing someone else. I've been divorced for a couple of years now, and I am just learning that, in fact, I don't really miss my ex-husband, I miss pieces of me that changed irrevocably when I got divorced. My ex and I were both so young when we got together that everything seemed so momentous - even buying my first set of matching dishes seemed just about the neatest thing I could imagine, and when I think about that, I don't miss buying the dishes with him, I miss the me that had that sense of wonder about something so simple, and I worry and wonder and grieve that I may never have that sense of wonder about anything again.

But there is nothing to be upset about in having a big old ugly cry. It's part of any grieving process, and you are allowed to grieve, even while you know that you didn't really know him and you wouldn't want him back. There is NOTHING weak about that.

You cried because you went on a huge new adventure without him and it means that you are moving on without him. It also means you were damn tired from you hijinks and adventure. There are going to be times that you do something new or exciting or monumental and you're going to take a moment or hour to think about the fact that you're doing it without him and for the big ones like Paris with friends you're going to get emotional, and for the little ones like going to a bar you went to, you'll just have a quick foggy memory and go on. And with each one of these steps, big and small, you get that much closer to healing. You'll always be glad you loved someone and you'll always miss loving someone if you aren't in love right now. But that's the best part of loving. It's a good thing to have (or to have had) in your life. And you will have it again.

Keep writing, you're so good at it. And you're good for those of us that are healing too. I sent you some pics of my kitty's paws (I know how you love them so). Enjoy!!!

Carolyn

For a couple of days last week, I found myself thinking about the good times, and freaked. Then I actually thought about being in the same place as him, and my skin started crawling. Fortunately, we never had any good trips, and I never went to my favorite places with him. Heck, I quit going to restaurants with him, he was such an ass. Maybe it was doomed way before it started?
You might not feel like you're getting clearer some days, but you're helping me.

I'm probably going to repeat what 9 other people have said...but I just went through the crying game last week.

I almost ranted about it because it made me angry more than anything...why am I crying AGAIN?!? I think it hits me most when I'm "weakest." I just moved to a new city to really start my life again (you just went on vacation to start traveling again), and I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do by myself (well, with friends around, but you know what I mean).

If the love had dwindled down to nothing and you both agreed it was time to part, I think that'd change the crying. But he left. You may have shut and barred the door behind him, but feelings are tricky little monsters. My X could come crawling and begging, but there is just so much hurt and pain and, well, HATE in my heart that I'd slam that door on his big nose and hope it broke.

And yet the tears come...My break up was in Dec. of '04, divorce finalized the 28th of March '05. A true veteran here...But I wouldn't be ashamed...a good cry keeps the bitters from building up over years...and they cause wrinkles :). Best to let it come out, yes?

Hugs from the rainy city.

Bit by bit by bit by bit...

I haven't read what anyone else wrote, so pardon me if I'm repeating something, but in my experience (with a degree in psychology, too) you probably miss who he was, who he was supposed to be and who you thought he was. he betrayed the worst in becoming someone else.

and being in Paris where there were some really good bits just reinforces that and reminds you. you may have been mourning what could have been, not what was or will be.

it takes a long time to recover. there is no shame in crying and no shame in feeling what you feel whevenever you feel it. don't beat yourself up for anything you feel about him and the divorce, just ponder it and let it teach you what you need to know about yourself.

and i'm totally freaking jealous you were in paris while i'm recovering from bleeding in my brain!!! so there.

There is no easy way to lose someone. There is no easy way to grow up. There is no easy way to move one. I can only think of a million trite things to say so I'm not going to write them, but please, know that each would come with the best of wishes and buckets of hope for you and your new--better--life. Best of luck to you.

Laurie, it's all part of the grieving process. And you HAVE to go through it, or you won't heal. Don't be embarrassed. It takes as long as it takes because loss is hard.

I see such progress in you, that I think you're moving along fine in this "living out loud" you've been trying to do.

Thank you for writing so beautifully about it.

Darlin, you are so normal, and it sucks. Yes, it does get better, and sometimes it's a little at a time, sometimes it's in a great leap. You. will. survive. And furthermore...you. will. THRIVE. eventually. Going on a trip with your friends to your favorite city and finding wonderful experiences there even without your "him" is as perfect a thing as one can do. Crying one night alone in your hotel room is a completely natural expression, too.

Bless your heart, honey. You're mourning the death of a dream. And you. will. survive. <-- borrowing the emphasis from you.

Hugs from Goodlettsville from a tornado survivor, thank God.

Suzanne

At the risk of being repetitious (or is it redundant), you have nothing to be ashamed of about the crying. My husband died last year, which is a different loss from divorce, but what I have recently discovered is that I miss the intimacy - like getting back to the hotel room and realizing the other half of me is not there. Last month I went on a short business trip and after a really full day, I went back to the hotel room and boo-hooed so loud I was afraid the folks next door would hear. Then I felt like an idiot. It is all part of that grieving process, and there ain't nothing easy about that. But it does get better. It's just a lot slower than I want.

you were not missing him. you were missing the feeling you had when you travelled with somebody who experiences WITH you.

girl travel is great, but it is like a competitive sport - everybody is always trying to get themselves in the best position, no matter how intense the friendship.

you will find somebody to share the travel experience with again. i promise. go take a bath and have a tasse de vin. vive la france!

I suck at this, so I won't even try...but just wanted to give you a hug, a pat on the back and offer you a beer. You give so much of yourself on this blog for us, your readers, so if you need to bawl every once in a while, no shame in that girl.

Much agreeing with the words of wisdom poster 'afore mine, but here are mine anyhow.

Crying is good. It's like throwing up because you're getting rid of stuff you NEED to get rid of. Yes, afterwards, the tomato nose and beet red eyes are kind of a hassle, but life in general is a trial by fire, babe.

Divorcee here, as well. It wasn't really a mutual decision, but it was a crusher nonetheless. You're still in the pseudo-partial-zombie state, and I think the Paris trip was a BRILLIANT move. Well do I remember the effort it took to get up and go to work and eat and sometimes just to breathe. But keep at it! You are really doing all the right things and your sarcastic, cynical wit is a delicious tool in the marching forward process. Don't be upset that you got upset! That's a tool, as well.

My ex did a steady downward spiral and eventually killed himself, but I can't say I don't miss both him (the him I had when times were good) and the me that was, as well. Both of those people are gone, and I'm sure as hell glad I'm still here, albeit different.

You go, Auntie. We're all right here with ya and we got yer back. Yay Mary poppins Gang!

Laurie you are such a wonderful writer.

i don't know what to say that won't sound trite.. but give it time, give it time.....

Every friend, lover, aquaintance, husband is different. No two can be or should be the same. You can miss a part of a man, or a relationship, that you don't want back. You can miss a time that won't be again.

It gets easier, but it could always surprise you.

If it didn't, wouldn't that be a real death, a nullification of the time you had together?

And sometimes, not so funny. Not necessary to be funny always, though you are very, very funny. It's okay. It goes in waves, like when the tide is going out: sometimes the waves are high (and whap cold water at your butt), and sometimes they back off, but bit by bit, that water does recede.

The bright side is that you are able to let yourself feel. I know, feeling like shit isn't a good thing. But not feeling at all is way worse. It's going to a lot of surprises. Including good ones.

You loved the man once. That was just as real as hating him now.

Why not allow yourself to feel for the time you loved him? Honor what you did have.

Some things were not meant to last forever. And sometimes it's a damned good thing.

Sometimes the revisionism thing (aka the sugarcoating) I think is to help us look back semi-fondly at a lousy period of time and cope better. I'm glad you recognize the situation for what it is and aren't yearning for something that isn't, and won't be. But you know, there were some good times before he turned into a ________ and it's OK to miss them. However, they're not coming back and you wouldn't want them if they did and you know that already. You're doing great and definitely fit Hemingway's definition of courage, which was "grace under pressure"; he must have had you Southern ladies in mind when he wrote it. Give yourself the credit you deserve for the strength and wisdom you've displayed during this past year. Didn't you say you were planning another trip late this year?

Ah Laurie, I've been there too. I think it's totally natural to miss someone that occupied a space in your life for some period of time. Maybe you don't love him anymore but the memories are still there and will always be there. Hang in there... you're a strong woman and even though I don't know you I certainly admire how you've come through this.

Sometimes grief catches you unawares. It took me a long time to get over my divorce and sometimes I mourn what might have been. You have my sympathy.

please don't take this the wrong way... but i'm glad you cried. there. it's done. you traveled halfway around the world and you laughed and cried and hit a man in the street. and you're still here.

Laurie,

I'm a science person so I think of it as dampening osellation. (Oh! I can't spell) The missing goes up and down but the bad bits get less bad. No need to be ashamed about a good cry. You weren't crying about him. You were mourning the loss of the life you thought you had. (that's not really cheering anybody though is it?)

We all love you Laurie. Hang in there and all WILL be well but the occasional cry may sneak in some times.

First, you are entitled to your feelings. Who's judging you in your head?

Second, perhaps it's not him you miss so much as how you felt around him. This is a signifigant distinction, since you should be able to re-create that feeling somehow.

Third, crying is an emotional cleansing and it clears the toxins from your system and it sounds like you need to get it out of your system.

Enjoy your cry!

At first, when I read this, I had a little cheer inside for you because it feels like you're moving on. Even if it comes after the divorce, maybe months or years - I can feel you letting go.
You let go of all sorts of things you never considered a part of letting go - including the life you'd built in your mind for yourself that included him. It hurts to find yourself in situations you'd expected to have someone there, but you build yourself back up to being who you are without him by moving through it piece by piece.
My divorce won't be final for a few weeks yet, and although we've been separated for over a year, I still find myself missing him even in times I know he wouldn't be there for me along with when he would.
I think we grieve for each bit of the life we had as we come to it - there's no way we can forsee every piece until we move through.

Just be glad you were able to make a clean break. I have a two year old with my evil ex-husband, and I have to see him and deal with his selfish behaviour almost every day...it's very hard to get past the anger when HE KEEPS PISSING ME OFF!! It's funny...when he left I swear to God I didn't think I could live without him...now I wish so much I never had to see him again.
YOU are doing GREAT, and should be very proud of yourself. Two steps forward, two steps back.

Can I ask for some advice?

HOW DO I STOP BEING ANGRY AT MY EVIL EX-HUSBAND WHEN HE STILL TREATS ME LIKE CRAP? ANYONE? ANYONE? I AM SO TIRED OF BEING ANGRY!

It's funny, you think you are over it/him, and then all of a sudden, the feelings come back. It's all part of the grieving process. And, it's OK. It says more about you. Be kind to yourself.

When the love is real....so will be the pain. Suddenly I'm hit with flashbacks of Sheena Easton singing her 80s pop hit "Almost Over You." The lyrics come to me full force some times. The next song needs to be Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" :) You can do it!

I broke up with someone and ended going on the european vacation we had planned together...alone. I called it the Crying Tour of Europe. Crying in Brussels (ok, someone stole my wallet), crying in Amsterdam (crappy hotel room), crying in Paris (it rained for three days) and crying in London (the exchange rate was really bad).

I have no helpful advice or words of comfort, but I wanted to thank you for once again opening yourself up and letting the rest of us come inside. You are an amazing writer and an inspiring woman.

Carolyn said exactly what I wanted to say - only more eloquently!

To Desperate Housewife:
The opposite of Love is not Hate, it is Indifference. One day you will wake up to find that you don't give a rat's a** about what he does and then you will truly have moved on with your life. It's going to take a few years, but it will happen. I promise! In the mean time focus on the positive, as in "He is such a jerk - thank goodness I don't have to live with him anymore!" Baby steps, Girlfriend. Baby steps! ;-)

The marriage couldn't have been all bad, (YOU were in it, after all), and I'm guessing many times it was very very good. Of course he ended it horribly, and as you discovered, was just a giant liar, but I'm guessing there were some lovely, sweet, honest times in there, for both of you. I'm so glad you gave yourself permission to miss those. Good with the bad, as they say. I'm thankful that you were alone and able to deal with this without your friends trying to console you, when instead, you just needed to feel it completely and thoroughly. I'm thinking that maybe the next time it happens, IF it happens, it won't be as much of a surprise, nor as painful. It will just be a bittersweet recollection from another time in your life.

That which does not kill me makes me stronger.
-Nietzsche

it's because you have a real heart....

*hugs*

As Ginnie said, you are in mourning. I have tried to point this out to other folks in the past. Anytime a relationship ends, whether by death or otherwise, you go through the stages of mourning. If you really want to read something, check out Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's "On Death and Dying." It describes the stages of grief. I had to read it in a class in high school and thought it was fantastic in its descriptions.

I remember my parents's divorce. My mom divorced my dad. She cried -- a lot. And then one day it stopped. The same will happen for you. It just takes time.

Haven't commented in a very long time but continue to stalk (as I compare my path through post divorce with yours to see if I'm still in the normal range--I stay within your range--therefore comforted that I must be normal). I keep alot of my crying over the 'X' a secret and feel ashamed since most people don't understand. Family and friends think we should be happy to be rid of the jerk and why would we waste a sigle thought on the man much less cry or be unhappy!

I have given myself on an unspoken expectation of grief/mourning period that will last AT LEAST a full year or more to experience all the holidays, seasons, events (deaths, births, marriages, graduations, etc.) that we would have experienced together. Those big experiences don't take into account the tiny, small, trivial triggers of a PAST life AND world the two of us shared together that is gone forever--and gone in a way the mind or heart cannot easily OR efficiently heal.

Recovering from a painful divorce (as both of ours has been) can be the loniest and most painful experience in the world. I'm grateful to share in (via stalking) the support poured out to you.

You shouldn't be surprised about an 'ugly cry' in one of the most wonderful places on earth. That seems so natural to mourning--what about the 'ugly cries' because you saw a bargain at the flea market that you know would have made his day--and then you sink into the sadness again--but then you remember by the time it ended he probably wouldn't have appreciated the item at all since he had so little regard for you.

I think right now we are walking on the top, flat side of a teeter-tooter; sometimes it's balanced but also sometimes it's way up or likeways it may be way down. Someday, however, we will manage to balance it and we will get better and better with that ability to balance along the way.

I just got to my computer Sunday morn 8am to do my taxes, but refreshed your already visible page and read yesterday's post. I understand EVERY feeling you are going through. My "ugly cry" came sitting in a roomful of girlfriends watching the series ender of Ally McBeal. I don't even remember what triggered it, but I was hiding my tears and chokes and eventually had to run into the kitchen to let the sobbing flow. I don't even know if anybody saw...I don't remember being comforted I just remember the sobbing.

When I was first separated a friend of mine (male) also had a similar situation to mine (our partners went into kookoo land). He was about five months ahead of me on the departure. He said "you forget about them a little more every day. At first you think of them all the time and then it's down to a few minutes a day". He was right. Give yourself a little break. You were with this man for a decade (?). It will take some time. I used to hate it when people said "time heals". . . but it's true! It's not that "time" does it, but distance and your own life moving on complete the process. I now rarely think of him even though I know I still miss him. That's ok. I was deeply in love after all and so were you. Even if you hate what he did (there go my baby making years!!) and hate that he's moved on (new internet wife, adopted baby and lots of medication!) you're still allowed to smile every now and then when you think of a nice moment you had together.

These days, it seems, it's all about closure. You deny, you get mad, you grieve, you accept, are you done yet, can we get on with it now? Well, no. It comes back around, and every time it's still hard.

Someone less than half my age recently expressed surprise that I still wasn't sure about such things as whether there is a God. She said she'd always imagined knowing by the time she got to my age. Maybe some people do, but as best I can tell as long as you keep your brain and your heart turned on you will never get to perfect certainty, nor perfect closure. Perfect is another word for past tense. Also for dead. Here in the living present things are never that simple. Being awake is nothing to be ashamed of.

As usual, you hit the head on the nail. Sometimes reading your blog makes me relive those feelings I had when I was in the midst and after of my divorce too. It does happen, the random crying. Sometimes it's a memory that you shared only with that person that does it to you, or something like a trip. It's only memories of what someone was and what they meant to you, not that you want them back or even miss them. But at one point, you did love them and it's a mourning of that time. It does get so much better and you are getting there. It truly does.

I felt the same about my ex as he just one day wanted a divorce without warning. I felt later that I'd never really known him, but it does get better with time, is all I can say.

Congratulations because you've reached the stage where, rather than focusing on the bs, you can remember and honor the good times you and dorkboy shared.

In the early part of my breakup I focused on the bad stuff because that made me angry and the anger helped me achieve some kind of emotional distance from my ex and the hatchet job he'd done on me. And then, at some point, when I'd come to terms with who he really was, as opposed to who I'd thought and hoped he was, I grieved for the loss of the dream, and the loss of his company, and for being alone and how alien that felt.

It's not sugar-coating or revisionist history to remember the good stuff. It's putting both the good and bad into perspective. Every time you duplicate something you and he did together, you're going to feel a pang of loss. I don't think that the others will hit you as hard because, to an extent, you'll be prewarned of your emotional reaction. This trip to Paris was a double whammy--duplicating a major thing that you really enjoyed doing *with him* AND getting blind-sided by the emotional fallout.

It will keep getting better, I promise.

Laurie, I don't have time to read all the comments so this is probably repetitive. I don't belive you are mourning HIM. You are mourning the lack of companionship and that intimate relationship with someone where you share everything. And you WILL have it again one day. {Hugs}

This is for DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE and her quest to not be angry at her ex. I heard this on Oprah and we know how everything on Oprah is the gospel, right?! There were women that were like DH very frustrated with their ex's and having to deal with them because of the children. The response was to remember that your child has the DNA of that person in them and you know how much you love your child. Don't bash the ex in front of them or be angry towards them, just think of your fantastic child (now don't go thinking that ALL his/her bad habits came from the ex!). Being angry at the ex brings nothing good to your child. I don't even know you, but I'm sure you want nothing but goodness for your kid! Maybe if you think of your anger for your ex as adding additional hardship for your child it could relieve it a bit. Everyone wants to do what's best for their kid, right? Good luck. I was only left with a spotted dog and a huge rent bill.

No handbook and it never 100% goes away. I have been divorced for 17 years and in that time remarried. Times still pop up that I get pangs of saddness. I just never ruin my makeup over it anymore. It gets better toots.

This is a quote that has some meaning for me. I thought I would share it with you:

"Just because the rose died on the vine
doesn't mean the bloom was a lie".

Sending you hugs.

I think what really hurts us the most is the loss of the dream we have for ourselves when we are seriously involved with someone. When you marry, we tend to spin a story of what our life is and should be with this person. We weave such a tight fabric that it truly does feel as though the rug is being pulled out from underneath us when it ends, especially when it isn't our choice to end it. What you see is that fabric disolving and falling away. You are missing the dream, not the life so much. You then go through the period where you are naked and exposed and feeling most vulnerable. Even though you don't know it at the time you begin to weave your new dreams for yourself. A fabric that will ultimately be stronger, and more able to accept the addition of new threads when you decide to get involved again. One that will not depend on him for stregnth as your own fibers are strong enough for your own life. It will not shield you from hurt, but then again it will give you the stregnth to carry on and not live in fear.

It sucks doesn't it...when for no apparent reason you just stop and melt down. Except it wasn't really for no reason. You travelled together and this was the first time you went without him. In my experience the years after divorce (or in my case separation) is a few steps forward and a few less back.

What I found it is that this type of things happens on big events like anniversaries or birthdays or in places or with things that remind you. There's no right or wrong way to grieve so have the best biggest lustiest cry you can have! You are entitled to a great life and if you didn't cry it out you'd be carrying that bit around with you.

Don't be embarrassed...I cried over barbeque chicken for the same reason. At least you were in Paris!!!

Maybe on some level you were hoping that revisiting Paris would provide you with some answers for setting your heart free. Grief has many faces.

Laurie,

Sometimes you have to imprint new memories on top of the old ones. Once you are open to being with someone new, then you will have new experiences to superimpose on past memories.

When you finally take a trip with a new love, you will create new feelings. It won't erase the past, but it will blunt the pain you feel right now.

Better days are ahead.

You are so, so normal.

Maybe you should write the handbook? (Somebody really needs too, look how many of us go through this!) It can have chapters like "Burying the Body(ies)" and "I Don't Miss Him, Why Am I Crying?"
With your wit and grace, it would certainly be a best-seller.

*hug*
Be proud that you loved. Most haven't.
*hug*
On an unrelated topic....thank you for the fabric by the pound place!

(((((Laurie))))))

I wish I could buy you a glass of wine, sweetie! And when I say "a glass of wine", I mean a couple bottles! You're a beautiful and insightful woman, and it does hurt a little less each day! Like Wendy said above, so many of us can't even bring ourselves to that point of vulnerability with another. Props to you for taking that step and also for moving on!!

Grief just plain ole sucks. But we have to feel it in order to move through it. It will creep up at the wildest times. You are not alone in your grief. Many feel it, and like I said it sucks. I am sorry your ex-husband has caused an awesome woman like you, so much grief.

*hugs for Laurie*

It gets a little better every day. Eventually it will be OK again.

Hi Laurie,

I can almost set my watch to those "misty moments." With eerie regularity they come, along with my own version of "what was" even though my story with him ended the moment he walked out of my life and I don't love him. I am so sorry you have had those moments too because I would not wish them on my worst enemy (except HIM and I would add shooting daggers and take out his knees...)

I wish I could say that the moments get better or less intense or less frequent. I can say that my clarity gets better in the aftermath... when I realize how few good times I have left to hold on to. Your clarity is getting better. I can see it in your writing.

I'm sending hugs your way. Hugs, dark chocolate and big dog licks (Sam says Hi!) It's ok to be a puddle and have "misty moments." It really does help to see that love really exists, not just for other people but for you too. Someday that beautiful man with a dimple and blinding smile will reach for your hand and your heart will soar (hang on, I'm having a vision here for you...) Don't give up on that. That man that once was your husband will be a mere blip in time and someday you will be catch yourself trying to even remember what his name was (I promise.)

I didn't mean to write a novel in your comments, Laurie. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

hi laurie. first post after lurking for a while and reading all your archives. i of course read your divorce archive first, because i don't knit, but boy have i been divorced. i loved this post. as everyone else has said, you are so normal and it's happened to the best of us. i remember my worst "why the hell am i crying" moment while reading yours. i was on an anniversary dinner with my boyfriend (ex now too, i give up on relationships..lol). it was our one year, and i had been split up with my exhusband for a year and a half. we were in this wonderful restaurant, candles, view of the ocean, nice wine, friends waiting on us, and a song came on. my ex and i had listened to classical music almost exclusively, and one of our favorites comes on in the restaurant. i was literally in the middle of a sentence to my boyfriend when i heard the song, stopped, started to lose it and ran to the bathroom. i proceeded to have a meltdown of biblical proportions right there in the bathroom in my fancy dress. i so didn't want my ex back, was so relieved that we were done hurting eachother, and yet i was crying hysterically. i realized i was mourning myself. the me i was when we married and i thought "nothing will break us up because we love eachother so much." i was mourning my naivete and innocence and just plain stupidity of thinking love can take you through a relationship (it can't, by the way. it takes other things like respect and communication and honesty and trust. then love after that.) i was mourning the death of my innnocence and the me that was just so shiny and optimistic. the point of this? basically what everyone else has said, that it does get easier and that you are normal, and that you are going to have these moments of inexplicable sogginess, but that i think they are much more about you and mourning your loss than they have with you missing him or wanting back there.

and to desperate housewife, i feel your pain too. i have to deal with exhusband all the time cause of my son, and sometimes i get so mad i could just bite him. but, i realize that at least i do not have to live with the man everyday and deal with all that other crap everyday. some other poor woman has to do that. thank god. that makes the anger go away real quick like. and also, i'm almost five years out of the relationship, had some therapy, recognized the triggers he uses to set me off, and have eliminated them. therapy helps, definitely.

Like you need one more comment added to the list, right?

Just wanted to say how much I love your writing. Your wonderful descriptions touch the memories that are within all of us. I'm hoping to see your interviews on all the talk shows in the next couple of years as you hawk your newly published book. I want to be able to say "Hey... I knew her when she was a blogger!!"

I don't EVER miss my ex. I DO occasionally miss the giddy rush of excitement that young love brought, and how I've never been able to feel that again--not even with my current (and forever) husband.

Over time, learning to love again what replaced the hard ugly crying pity parties. And by that I mean learning to love myself. Until I could do that, I wasn't ready to let anybody else in.

And that was the hardest. Cause I'm not a big life-of-the-party type. Wall flower would be a better description.

But you have to choose to make it better. And frankly, my dear, I think you've been doing a damn fine job of it. Not many people would have had the guts to organize (cause I'm sure you were the organizer) a trip to France the way you did. Keep on keeping on girl. You figure out how powerful you really are, there will be no stopping you.

Laurie, vacations tend to be an emotional release for me, no matter what's going on! I went to LA last summer for a quick 3-day conference, and when I discovered my UCLA conference housing "hotel" room was completely torn apart on my arrival, and no A/C, I burst into tears and had to call my best friend and have him talk me down. And I didn't even have any major issues going on at that time! So I don't think it's at all strange that you cried on vacation.

Plus, this was a new way of travelling for you, lots more emotions and group comforting, etc - that can really get the emotional juices going and the tear ducts workin'!

So glad you made the trip. I'm taking off for a week soon near the VA/MD state border, out on the barrier islands, and I just know I'm going to spend one day out on the beach sobbing my eyes out. :)

Reaading this post just reminded me what a healthy person you are emotionally. YOU. ARE. HEALING.

it gets easier, but that line is so very true. you never really recover. it's been 13 years for me, and when i think of him from time to time i feel a dull sadness. a little nostalgic. someone recently sent me a link to an article about his business. they didnt warn me first and i still got that *slap* from seeing his name. it didnt last, and it certainly wasnt as powerful as it once was. but it was there, 13 years later.

..and i totally agree with sharon the scientist.

laurie, when do you get the time to read all these comments?!
i don't love my ex, don't like my ex, don't miss my ex, but i do miss what "could had been ...."
i miss our potential, i miss having what we could have had together. damn, do i just miss the "stuff" and the possibility of owning a front load washer? i mean, the possibility of not having to schlep my dirty clothes to the laundromat?!
i do not miss his criticism, his name calling, his expecting me to think for him or like him.
i'm glad you had good travels with mr. X. i did not with my x. look! mine isn't even worthy of uppercase letters!!! and you know what else, travel can be stressful. it plays tricks on you.
i just tell myself that i'm better off alone than in a relationship full of abuse. i'd rather be in a relationship loving myself than in a relationship doing all the loving for myself and the 'taker'.

I miss my ex (after 14 years) when I look at a digital clock and it's 1:11. Or 2:22, etc. For some reason, we pointed out time to each other (well, we're both Virgos, so go figger). But I don't miss him ALL the time. Triggers, ya know?

Did I read this correctly: "It was so easy to travel with him"?!? Excuse moi, but wasn't this the same guy who drove you nuts because all he would eat, in any city in the world, was PIZZA?! And you accommodated yourself to that, and you resented that, and you MISSED THAT?!

Please. And don't quote sappy movies that tell you you'll never get over someone you loved. Merde! You can if you want to - it won't be today, or tomorrow or on anyone's schedule but your own, but you can. People do it every day. You'll suddenly realize that you haven't thought about him for two days, and when you did it didn't hurt as much, and you can remember stupid (not cute, but STUPID) things that he used to do.

It's a lot to ask of Paris, the city d'amour, that you don't have one tinge of unhappiness while you're there. It's like any other city in the world - there's no magic fairy dust that keeps people from having a crappy day. Shit, ask Katie Holmes. She'll tell you how Paris screwed her over good!

You'll be all right. You didn't fail at Life because you had a bad moment in Paris.

I have been separated for two years now this June. Not divorced yet - whole 'nother story.

Even though he has turned into someone I don't like very much anymore I still cry now and then.
I suppose it's because I looked on marriage as forever. Someone to grow old with, a constant companion and now that is all gone. There is just me and our daughter.

I must add that he still lives in the same house, he moved into the back room and I have the front part with our daughter.
I get reminded everyday how things have gone bad. He is not the man I fell in love with anymore.

You are lucky to be on your own (I feel) not being reminded daily and all that. Some days I cry because I'm on my own and other days I can be so strong I'm sure I don't need anyone else.
So it seesaws.

But there are more strong days than sad days.
Don't you agree?

Good gravy, you have a lot of fans girl!! I couldn't read most of them, but I did like what Noelle and Jeanne said. Noelle for the 'you should write the handbook' and jeanne for the 'didn't the constant pizza search drive you nuts'? And, I'm sure your traveling buddies didn't mind a little meltdown. They are your FRIENDS and that's what they're there for.

Hi, You don't know me but I just found your blog and have enjoyed reading. As far as what you are going through now, I promise it gets easier. When you find someone else worthwhile who deserves you, things will get much easier. It really does get easier every day and even though it seems like you have been apart for a long time, you really haven't. Hang in there. You have so much going for you and you will bet better. Please, hang in there! Enjoyed your blog immensely.

I haven't (yet) read all of the 80-some comments ahead of mine, so I'm probably just repeating, but...

It's been a few years since my divorce, and I'm a young divorcee. I don't love him, nor do I miss him, but there is still a place inside where I love who he used to be, and where I miss who we were when it was good. And there have been times when I so missed just having someone-- a person in the house so that if I read something interesting in the paper I could share it, someone that liked to watch me put on my lipstick, someone warm in bed, all that.

I've got someone now who is absolutely wonderful, and the vast majority of days I don't even think about my ex. But now and then I'll have those moments of mourning, whether it's for the loss of the life I'd planned to live, or for the relative innocence of the optimistic girl who made those vows, or for whatever else.

But the more time passes since the divorce, the longer the spaces between those moments. Don't be hard on yourself, it's all a process and you're absolutely amazingly fantastic, ya know? :)

Laurie - sometimes it hurts to pull the thorns out so you can heal a bit at a time. Now you know you can still do your beloved travelling without HIM. you pulled the travelling without him thorn out, that's all. Who said you='re suppposed to be done with it in four months anyway. Ha, that's a joke! You're right where you're supposed to be, remember that! xxoo!!

Laurie - This is my first time commenting here but I've been reading your posts since last November and I just have to tell you that I think you're amazing. You so very eloquently put into words what most of us have experienced at one time or another. You will get through this, one step at a time. Look how far you've come already. If you ask me, it's your ex who should be crying for letting you go. I hope he is.

I also have to say you have the most wonderful bunch of commenters here. You all make a lot more sense than most of the people I know.

Here's to better days Laurie. Hang in there. We're all thinking of you.

You know what I have been thinking lately: Love and hate are so close. Then somehow it all mellows and you have a bit of a mess there, but it is OK.
Love is messy, always, and especially the end of love is messy! It doesn't follow a formula.
Take care of yourself.
Mia

Well,everyone else has hit it on the head pretty well, so I fear that I have no new illuminating points to make. I just wanted to let you know that we are all hanging in there with you, and cheering you on. You're a smart cookie, and you are figuring things out. You're gonna be just fine.

thank you so much, everyone. thank you.

Sometimes I still miss the good moments I shared with worthless shitheads I loved many years ago, and I'm happily married now to someone I love more than I ever loved any of them. If you forget all the good things you experienced with the ones who are gone, you negate the value of your own experience and undermine your faith in yourself and your ability to make worthwhile choices. If you didn't still hurt for him sometimes, I'd wonder if you were in hardcore denial.
xoxox

There's days when you can't believe he's gone...and then there's days when you MF him and badmouth and curse the day you met him...and it all works out in the end. You're allowed to get emotional...that's what separates us, as women. We're allowed to "feel". Don't be embarrassed about it...we all do it. And it's probably not so much that you missed him that caused you to break down...it is probably the fact that you realized, deep down, that you wouldn't ever have a "vacation moment" with him again. It's okay...it really is. Big hugs, Laurie. Go take the top off the Jeep and go for a drive along the coast.

hahaha -- if there was a handbook, you would not read it, you non-reader-of-instructions, you! :-)

Yeah, it happens. When you least expect it. When you're honestly and truly feeling just fine and over him and you’re happy and getting on with your life.

Me? I was in a good place, it had been a year since we'd had any real contact. And then one fine Friday night in August, over margaritas, a friend told me that he'd just got engaged to the woman he left me for. And the thing is, I did NOT really care. I did NOT want to marry him. Or get back together with him. Or even be his friend. But I thought about how many years I'd wasted with him – that was the thing that really got me. And how I was alone and he was getting married. And I just cried my eyes out through dinner. Which was cool with my friend and also with the restaurant staff, 'cause we've been going there forever and they're like family. The two Scottish guys who were visiting my pal and were dining with us? They were so freaked out they were practically shaking. Which did amuse me.

Anyhow anyhow... I got home and cried even harder, went to sleep, and woke up the next day ... just fine. Seriously. I was over it. And I think that's the key: You can't pretend to be strong and hold it in. You've got to let it out. Even if it frightens the Scottish tourists. And you've got to surround yourself with folks who love you like crazy, even when your nose is running into your tequila.

Big hugs to you!!

LM

I'd like to think that every time you have one of those "ugly sobs" you are purge the memory of what you'd hoped for with this man right out of your system.

Laurie, it happened to me just now, just a bit. I had to fax our divorce agreement to someone, even though it's more than two years final, and I looked at it and was so sad for all the loss those pieces of paper represent.

It's much better that we are not married and yet, there are still those moments.

You're doing so well. Keeping moving along and thanks for sharing with all of us.

Hugs to you, Laurie. You give so much to your readers. Definitely write the handbook in all its irreverance. I had to take anti-depressants to stop the crying (all the time, even at work). After a couple of years a friend encouraged me to "get clean" and "feel my feelings". Such good advice. Feel those feelings, shed those tears, use up 4 boxes of Kleenex blowing your nose. Get all the crud out. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just too Southern and too ladylike to use the word "crud". But it has to come out.

Helle Laurie, Stepping out of my lurking spot to say that everything you write touches me so much. Each time, you amaze me at your ability to survive, but most of all to be able to express your feelings.
I think the vacation episode was acknowledgment of a new step in your healing from the divorce. You can now feel things which were probably buried while you struggled to survive day to day life.after the break-up. You have begun to feel things again. Congratulations....you are well on your way! Nature provides us with many ways to cope and that you have done, very well. Your humor is such a gift to the world. Thank you so much! The cats are awesome, too.
I'm a cat lover, knitter, several time survivor of divorce, cancer and various other life events and I congratulate you for choosing yourself!!
Cheers...Kitty (Cape Cod)

I was married the first time very young and I've been been divorced for 7 years and re-married again for 6 (#2 is a high school friend I re-connected with and fell in love with - it worked out great this way for me, but I don't recommend it.)

I still have tinges of missing my first. We had great times together and there are things that I knew he loved and when I see them or think of them, I think of him. It doesn't hurt anymore, it's a fond thought, a fond memory of a life gone by. You WILL get there and there will be bumps.

It takes much more strength to let yourself feel than it does to bottle it up. The more pain you let out, the easier it will be for the happy to start moving in.

Of course you're gonna cry sweetie. It's the death of a relationship, you are gonna grieve and it takes a while to get to the place were it's not so close to the surface anymore. Just keep taking it one day at a time, and just keep growing stronger and you'll be fine. Remember that old proverb that the best revenge is living well. You live so well darlin he won't even recognize you in a year or two.

No one writes as poignantly or as honestly about divorce as you do.

It was a crying weekend for me, too (I'm also a Cancerian--are the planets misaligned?), after finding out that my ex has a girlfriend. I don't want him back (the divorce was my idea), don't miss him, don't even like him as a person, but I grieve what could have been, and I hate it that he's found someone and I haven't and likely won't (I'm in my 50s).

The grief is good--a sign that you are letting yourself experience your loss. You are doing great, and you are in the company of many wonderful women who are going through the same thing, right along with you.

Just wanted you to know that your capacity to love this much is never something for you to feel badly about. That's just my gut feeling. It's possible to mourn many different aspects of a relationship. I would suspect that, perhaps unfortunately, it will just take time. Keep sharing with other people and let yourself feel as happy or as crappy as you do at any given moment. I'll pray for your peace of mind and some comfort.

Lots of good food for thought in your post and the responses. Yes... post divorce (and other un-wanted endings) sometimes finds me awash in emotions when I don't expect it. Maybe it's like an emotional earthquake. You HAVE been moving on, or building up energy to do so, but something was stuck a bit... and the pressure builds up and builds up (invisibly) and then it just lets go... and you're in a new arrangement... and it's OK (once the lamps stop swinging.
Good news or bad, life is what we make of it.
Make something beautiful to you.

You know what I'm thinking? If you take a person who has never experienced what love is but really wants to know the feeling, and you put them in a room in what's considered one of the most romantic cities in the world, you'll get the same crying fit. It's natural to want to feel the beauty of a wonderful place with someone special. He's no longer that someone, but he's the closest thing in your recent memory, so you cry for the loss of him. Someone else without that memory of a past love would cry for the unknown love they hope is out there somewhere.

i dunno...maybe u just miss having the RIGHT man there with you in this beautiful place...maybe its not so much the old HIM as the romantic vision/idea of the RIGHT him for you..............and he WILL come eventually.

Its TOTALLY normal. It's part of the process, no? You likely just miss LOVE and having someone to be your partner-in-crime. You miss what life with him was SUPPOSED to be. It's healthy to mourn your losses -- don't be embarassed. It's all good, girl!

After 107 comments, I hardly have much to add, I'm sure. But I think one of the hardest parts is not missing the other person, but missing who we used to be... missing the promise and hopes and dreams that were stored up in our heart and head... many of which we'd never dared to speak aloud and now would die alone in the dark.

And maybe the next hardest thing is to allow ourselves to give up the good, for the better. That the people we are now, and the people we will become, and the dreams we will have, and the adventures that will allow those dreams out into the light... will be more than we can conceive, and we have to trust again.

In case you haven't heard it lately... you a beautiful, and you are fabulous. Crying doesn't take an ounce away from that.

I guess I'm just saying what many of the others have said, but I'm saying it anyway.

You don't miss HIM. You miss what he represented, what might have been, what should have been, what you wanted to be.

And hopefully someday you'll have that all, for real this time.

And hopefully I will too.

Things do get better. I got out of a bad relationship and for a while I pretended that everything was fine, when it really wasn't. He was with another woman (even before I left AND he got her pregnant) and I resented the fact that he had found someone else when he deserved to be alone (frightfully, desolately, desperately alone) and I, who had been faithful and loving and patient, was once again single. I loudly claimed that I was happy he had done me the favor of getting another girl pregnant which allowed me to see what an a**hole he really was. But I missed the idea of him. I didn't want him back because he was a cheating, lying sorry sack of something-below-pond-scum. But it wasn't until I allowed myself to be angry (and I mean righteously, viciously, deadly-dangerous angry) at the bastard (instead of just thanking God he was out of my life) that I began to feel better. One day at work, I blasted some edgy, powerful, pissed-off music in my headphones and pictured myself kicking the sh*t out of him. That helped a lot!

Now it seems like you're writing the book on how a real woman handles a divorce from the perspective of the trenches. (Aren't all the other ones written from the perspective of someone who has been removed from a divorce by, oh, say a decade?) Just remember, include a chapter about hiding the bodies. :)

Hi Laurie,
Thanks for all your honesty and candor in your blogs! You are an EXCELLENT writer by the way. If there is anything good that has manifested itself out of your divorce, it certainly must be your creativity, because you got it, girl. Keep flaunting it! And the thing for everyone to remember about grief is that it is INDIVIDUAL. No one grieves the same. So all your sobbing in Paris is EXACTLY what you needed to do. Don't feel embarrassed about it. Embrace it and go with it...no worries. Do I sound like a therapist in the making or what?

From another fellow southern 30-something gal,
Mimi

Hi Laurie,
Thanks for all your honesty and candor in your blogs! You are an EXCELLENT writer by the way. If there is anything good that has manifested itself out of your divorce, it certainly must be your creativity, because you got it, girl. Keep flaunting it! And the thing for everyone to remember about grief is that it is INDIVIDUAL. No one grieves the same. So all your sobbing in Paris is EXACTLY what you needed to do. Don't feel embarrassed about it. Embrace it and go with it...no worries. Do I sound like a therapist in the making or what?

From another fellow southern 30-something gal,
Mimi

Wow.

Again you've been in my head.

Wow.

I thought I was the only one that did the "ugly" crying..