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April 24, 2006

Just some little quirks.

I often tell my friends that I am completely quirk-free. They laugh. Sometimes they laugh so hard they get those little tears escaping out the corners of squinched-up laughing eyes.

I concede that I maybe have one or two little idiosyncrasies. The most annoying of them all is my unique and rather MATURE way of dealing with stuff that breaks: First, I complain about the unfairness of it all. Then I get flustered, then upset, and finally ... I cry. Like a baby. A blathering hiccuping baby. Finally, I pitch a hissy. Then I stomp off and look for someone to blame. Awesome!

You know it's wrong, see, but you do it anyway. Like, for example, when you decide (finally!) to buy a laptop, and you spend way too much money on it but you're excited about it, then you buy all this extra stuff at Best Buy that they said would be REALLY EASY to hook up, like this router thing .... and ANYWAY, you bring it home and try to hook up your old, creeky desktop computer to the fancy schmancy router thingy and then you try and try and try to hook it up, and it doesn't work and you have a glass of wine, and that does not relax you because TECHNOLOGY IS MEAN and maybe also HARD and you call tech support, which is in India, and then TWO HOURS later you still have no working wireless internet, and India hates you, and you hate India, and you cry and hang up? And start pulling all the wires out and maybe throwing them a little, and using swear words?

And then the wireless thing you bought so your new laptop could be online just sits there collecting dust and your new laptop has NEVER been online, FIVE months later, and you still use a computer with like 12 MB of ram to do all your home computing because it's the one hooked to the cable modem and just thinking about it makes you cry?

Well, maybe not you. But yes, this describes me. And finally over the weekend I broke down and called the Geek Squad and a very nice guy who was probably 16 years old came to my house and gave me the gift of wireless internets, so I can now roam my house and patio and lawn and maybe next door neighbor's lawn while staying fully in touch with all ya'll.

Now that is progress.

And I did not even cry once. Mostly because I sat on the sofa and watched "Clean House" and drank coffee while said 16-year-old worked his wizardry with technology. This break from Technology Hissy Fit Throwing gave me time to think about my myriad of embarrassing issues and tally the top five.

Top Five Really Embarrassing Things About Me

1. I talk to my cats like they were humans.
This is not sporadic or wine-fueled talkage. It goes on all day and night, nonstop. "Hey, ya'll, what are you looking at on the floor over there? You're sitting too still. And not answering me. Answer me. Did ya'll find a bug? Because I only hired ya'll for your bug-killing paws. That isn't a bug, dorkuses! That is just a piece of yarn sitting on the floor not even acting like a spider... but I guess if I had a brain ya'lls size I might mistake it for a spider too. So in conclusion, ya'll are not fired. Carry on."

2. Those cats are sometimes the best damn conversation I get all day. For example:
Me: You think the Tomkitten was hatched or do you think Katie Holmes really got knocked up? I mean there is rampant speculation on the internets.
Me: I see.

3. I have THE worst taste in music EVER. I offer as irrefutable proof the five most recent songs I downloaded:
    1) Key Largo by Bertie Higgins. Bertie Higgins!
    2) (Because) Weekends Were Made For Fun by somebody I can't remember
    3) Roll With It by Steve Winwood
    4) Hold On by Wilson Phillips (well, we were just talking about it)
    5) Break My Stride by Matthew somebody or other

4) When I am on an airplane, I lie to strangers.
It's the only time I give myself total freedom to explore the possibilities life has to offer as a nutjob, because after all just being on a plane makes you a little nutty. And I have the terrible misfortune of being one of those people who attracts talkers in the seat beside me, and the Talker always asks what you do for a living. It used to irritate me, the Talking, but I discovered how much fun it was to tell a bald-faced lie to a total stranger, and now I love the Talking. Previous career-related lies have included but are not limited to:
• adult film continuity manager
• blimp driver
• cat wrangler
• psychic
• plate tectonics expert

5) None of my Top-Whatever lists achieve their numerical status, a fact which makes me happy.

6) I cannot poop at work. 'Nuff said.

7) I have a framed photo of Peter Jennings on my desk at work.

8) I once tried to change my name. I informed my family at age 13 that I would no longer respond to the pedestrian moniker of "Laurie" and from this moment onward everyone could call me "Crimson." Or, if so moved, they were allowed to call me "Madonna." They promptly informed me I was adopted, then laughed. (I am not adopted.)

9) I once told my little brother that he was adopted and that his real parents were ugly clowns.

10) I'm pretty sure that the reason Jason Grabowski broke up with me is because I let a little fluff escape once in a compromising position. It still bothers me to this day. Damn fluffing.

11) I use ghetto slang that is either completely outdated or inappropriate. My favorite expletive is "Jesus K-Ci JoJo and Mary!" It makes no sense to anyone but me. Yet I persist.

12) I have a terrible fear of knitting outdoors because of moths.

13) I want perms to come back in style.

14) I Tivo Dr. Phil.

Oh, there are so many more. But that's as far as I got in my Top Five list, because by then the internet was hooked up and ebay was literally everywhere I went all day long. Ebay was on the patio. Ebay was in the kitchen. Ebay was in the bedroom. Ebay wasn't in the bathroom, though. Ya'll know. One must be able to contemplate in peace and quiet. 'Nuff said.

Posted by laurie at April 24, 2006 8:46 AM