Wireless Internets is totally like heroin. I'm completely addicted. Ebay on the deck in the sunshine with many frosty drinks = heaven.

I am so #4 and #6 with you. Especially #6.

I finally got the wireless internet thingy working, then accidentally stepped on the laptop and broke it. Which means I can't currently wander the house and waste time online. But it was fun while it lasted - enjoy.

I love the fact that your Top 5 list has 14 things on it. :D

I am also #3, #4, and #6 (and this includes my In Laws house)

Broke up because you *fluffed*?! Honey, if he can't get past that, he ain't worth having anyway! Did he think he smelled like roses all the time?

Hon--it's WAY too dangerous for you (or me) to have eBAY in every room AND outside!!!! B-a-a! B-a-a d, Laurie!!!

You told people you were a plate tectonics expert? Oh, that is AWESOME.

Oh my gosh. I no longer feel guilty about lying to people on airplanes. Thank you for admitting this. I think its more normal than we think... Maybe the "talkers" are lying too...

I've gotten to the point where I have learned to save everything I find on ebay to my "watch list" and then when I am not on the computer I totally get ADD and forget about it. So, I have the *feeling* of ebaying without buying a single thing.

One would think I would wise up to my own tricks, but so far I'm not bright enough.

Samantha, it was really funny because I had been, um, imbibing (I get scared on the plane, you know) and so I slurred the word "tectonics." Klassy with a K!

I was watching "Celeb Poker Showdown" and the woman from "The Biggest Loser" who was also on "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch" said, "If I ever farted during sex, I would fake my own death." Laughed pretty hard at that.

The Geek Squad, huh? Hmmmm. Sounds like they could help me with my technological problem. Thanks for the info.

I'm with you on #1 and #11! I use "Christmas Eve in January" and "Jesus Christmas!" when swearing in company. I get the strangest looks!

Yeah, when I did not live in Alaska, I lied on planes all the time. It was so much fun, soo much fun. Then, moving up here, you always know about 3 people on the plane. So sad. Sigh...

Oh and my DH would eBay in the bathroom if we had wifi.

Love you, Laurie, keep yakking with the cats, and you could yak with mine.

I tape Dr. Phil too...at least (or so I tell myself) it's a step up the "God I may be pitiful but I'm not THIS bad" ladder from the time I used to tape Jerry Springer!

#1 - check. Except I don't have cats (allergic) but I do talk to my parrot who actually does talk back and let me tell you, that's sometimes more disconcerting than having conversations with animals who DON'T talk back.

#4 - check. After a summer spent in Paris when I was in college, I perfected the "English with a French accent" speak and pretended all the way home on the plane to actually BE French. Made many new friends (because what's sexier than a pretend French accent?) which came in handy when we got in to LAX and I realized that the baggage cart machines do not take francs and I had to borrow a dollar from one of the people I'd just spent the past five hours lying to.

#13 - check. I miss my 80's hair that took 3 hours (even WITH the perm) to do.

And by the way, everything I write now is peppered with "y'all"s after I spent a week reading your blog at work. I guess my next airplane lie will be that I'm Southern?

Thanks, y'all.

KJ

I speak with Princess Kitty as though she were a human. I say hello when I come home. As I leave I say goodbye and tell her to have a nice day. Sometimes it gets a little more indepth.

A few months after moving in together, my boyfriend and I remodeled the master bathroom. During a work break we went downstairs - my boyfriend and I, not the cat and I. Although the story might be funnier if it were the cat and I. Anyway. So we went downstairs. A few minutes later we heard a noise in the ceiling. We went upstairs and saw that the board covering the hole in the wall was out of place. And the cat was no where to be found. The following dialog took place:

Shell: Princess Kitty are you in there?
Princess Kitty: Meow.
S: Come on, get out of there.
PK: Meow?
S: Are you lost?
PK: Meow.
S: Ok, follow the sound of my voice.
Pk: Meow!
S: I'm over here. C'mon follow my voice. Don't be scared. You can do it, just follow the sound of my voice.
PK: Meow!

When Princess was saved from a life between floors I stood up and saw my boyfriend staring at me with his mouth gapping open.

Boyfriend: You know she doesn't speak english, right?
Shell: (while walking away cuddling PK) WhatEVER.

It was a close call in our relationship. However, after discussing it with Princess, we decided to forgive his ignorance.

In regards to #9, my brothers told me I was adopted from a black family and my freckles were just my "paint" rubbing off. I guess I'll take that over ugly clowns!

I'd love to do the lying on planes thing but what if I said I was a plate tectonics expert and they said, "Me, too! Hey, I didn't see you at the conference. What do you think of Groblewski's theory?"

Ummm. I thought everyone talked to their cats. Part of the reason I go out is so that I can have conversations with someone other than B&N. They often answer but you have to read a lot into the meows. And I love that you once said that you were an adult film continuity manager.

first, I never had a perm, but always wanted one, so if they come back in style, I may be with you on that..maybe even red too...unless your hair-guru (ehron?) talks us out of it...
second, listing embarrassing quirks seems to diffuse their power... and thus, I must confess my dabilitating fear of heights, and the reality that while facing my fear of the top of the Eiffel Tower (little kids were going, I should be able to do it!) I cried more than any aforementioned infant the entire way up..to the top...(and back down)was that enough? Oh no no no... The entire time I had the hanging belt of my stylish trench coat tucked into my underwear.
Not my most fashionable or proud moment, but the quirks? they differentiate us from the Barbie dolls. Missed your blog while I was gone. thanks

I have only ever heard one other person use the word "fluff" and that is my Aunt Vicki. She used to fluff instead of fart because she thought it sounded nicer.

I am laughing so hard at that right now.

The "fluff" makes me have to comment. Our friend didn't know women "fluffed" until after he was married. His bride's response "it's that or explode, honey". Love your blog and think you should write a knitting/divorce survival manual. 30th wedding anniversary coming up so won't "need" the D manual - but it would be a heckuva read! Thanks for the laughter.

Ok. Now, I talk to my cats like they were fully capable human beings as well. I sometimes, when they meow back at me, I feel that they really understand me and are giving me an appropriate response. For instance:
Me: Frisco, What in God's name are you doing on the table for the bazillionth time today?
Frisco: Rwaaa, Rwaah, Rwor (which translated, I expect, means, "I am coming over to love on you Mommie. I am so sorry. I just have no self control when it comes to getting on top of that blasted table. I apologize for my lack of manners. I promise not to do it again.")
Me: That's what I thought...But I love you just the same because you are my cute lil' boy.

And to all those out there reading this comment? Yes, I might be a little crazy.

Oh, the pain of setting up wireless. You sound like me with a southern accent! (Well, and cats. I just talk to myself.) I was too stubborn to get help and just kept plugging and unplugging things until it sort of worked. Maybe one of these days we will be at a Stitch 'n Bitch on the same night and West Hollywood will implode.

I love your list. I think you and I are tied for worst taste in music. I heard the Debbie Deb song last week on the radio and it was all I could do not to dance in the car. I like all of the songs on your list except "Key Largo." But I will see your "Key Largo" and raise you a "Pina Colada Song."

I totally get #11! Except I've forgotten the name of that group (or was it just K-Ci and JoJo?)

I have burped during sex and it was all either of us could do not to die laughing about it.

I'm the same way with technology - I have zero patience for things that don't work the way I want them to when I want them to. My husband works in IT and this makes him nuts.

I talk to my critters and call them my children.

I can so totally drop a deuce at work. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

I'm all for perms. I've always wanted curly or even just wavy hair.

I LOVE the top 5 oops 14 list! Great job! I can't even tell you how many of them make my list but you can keep the perm one, better yet I will loan you mine for a few weeks, I have always wanted straight hair for a few days!

My babysitter assured us when we hired her, yikes, 6 years ago that she did not like cats and really wanted nothing to do with them. I only catch her talking to them once in a while, but that's because, unsurprisingly, we're rarely there at the same time. I suspect her of holding long, deep conversations with them while DS is asleep and DD is doing her homework. It's what happens when you spend time with cats. It's some sort of Vulcan Cat Ray.

Wrapped around each other,
Trying so hard to stay warm,
That first cold winter together,
Lyin' in each other's arms...

No, I did not look it up. I am the complete despair of my only-classical-is-real-music DH. I say unto him: fluff.

I totally need perms to come back. Yes, my hair is fine and thin and perms never actually hold in them, but I miss spiral waves so so much.

Purl, if you ever want to use the plate tectonics line again, let me know. I can give you all sorts of buzzwords to throw around. I actually work with guys who study plate tectonics!! Small world, eh? Well actually, small, shifting world. Har.

want to hear something funny? i got a mac laptop for christmas. and i was very much afraid of it. afraid that iwouldn't be able to transfer my files from my 6 year old windows desktop. afraid that i wouldn't be able to load software on it. afraid that i'd never be able to go wireless. but last weekend i finally turned it on (it took 3 seconds to set up) and this weekend, joe spent hours screwing around with our wireless set up to add my new apple. and i managed to move my files over (i used a work internet server because my 800 year old computer was incapable of reading my thumbdrive). but i'm up and running! see? you aren't the only one.

also, i poop at work with abandon

You need to post a warning about dying from laughter on your site. Seriously. My side just split open and I'm on my way to the hospital as I type (bless the wireless internet for that.)

:)

The Geek Squad consist of lovely people (all of whom are clearly in their teens because those are the only people on the planet who understand this techno-whatsis) I have used them to perform miracles on piece-o-shite at work.

Personally I don't cry: throwing things, yelling explatives, yes! Pounding expensive electronic equipment into useless hunks of plastic is something I also excell at. (only did it once, was not a proud moment) Anger management specialists are lovely people too.

I am an enormous fan of said Geek Squad. I don't care how much I have to pay them in order for them to set things up correctly and prevent me from having to spend hours yelling at people in India (tech support) and my lovely husband for suggesting crap that I tried 4 hours and eight tech support calls ago.

P.S., the first Geek Squad guy I had was not only 19 years old, he actually hummed the Darth Vader theme...that is a geek I can trust with my tech stuff.

What other shows do you Tivo?

Yay for wireless internet!

For some reason I wanted the name Kim (a perfectly nice name, I'm just not sure the source of my obsession) REALLY, REALLY badly. I even wrote it on my bed frame in permanent marker, much to my parents' chagrin.

Then later, as I matured and started reading teen romances, I wanted my name to be Sabrina (also a very pretty name for you Sabrinas out there).

Everyone talks to their cats! My husband and I are LOONS though.. we'll walk around Target, in the toy department, talking about how Russell would love this Spider Man book bag.. and how Rufus (our gay cat) would love to have those Barbie shoes....it cracks us up.

mine is.. "Holy Crapole"

I too talk to my cats, say "hello", "goodbye", "how was your day", "get your furry little butt down from there", "yes I love you too", "should we watch CSI or throw in a Buffy dvd", "what do we want to knit next", and so on. My mother always talked to our cats when I was growing up, so I figured it's perfectly normal.

I am also #3, and I would Tivo Oprah if I had the capabilty, but I'm too lazy to use my VCR. And I downloaded Hold On by Wilson Phillips this weekend *and* put it on a cd that I made for my friend.

Idiosyncrasies are awesome. And if you and Annika (who I know from a different internets place) ever wind up at Stitch n' Bitch on the same night, I will hop a plane from Canada because that would just be the. Best. Thing. Ever.

I talk to my trio (two cats and a dog) all. the. time. When my husband asks who I'm speaking to I look at him like he's the crazy one for even asking that question.

I once had a crazy roommate, we'll call him Crazy Dave, who would talk to himself. My cat, Bob (great cat name!!), Hated him so I'm pretty sure he wasn't hanging around to converse with C.D. Anyway, one day we heard C.D. saying, "I'm a man, I'm a REAL man." My other, sane, roommate and I almost busted a gut. See, without the cats to talk to you are crazy...with cats, perfectly sane!

Ditto Marcia on plate tectonics buzzwords. And since most geologists drink like fish anyway, a little slurring adds to your authenticity. Seriously! They give out drink tickets with your nametag at conferences.

To be a true southerner you have to be eccentric. It's how we identify each other in a crowd. Revel in it, hon. It's like livin' a Tennessee Williams play every day.

Holy shit! You TiVo Dr. Phil?! Dear God.

Yay for wireless internet! You must be pleased as punch. Your embarrassing things aren’t that bad, just endearing quirks, but you already knew that. And anyone who doesn't talk to their pets is just plain weird.

How is any of that weird? Well, except for Tivoing Dr. Phil.....

BTW, could you make an effort to sit next to ME on my next plane trip? I always get stuck next to some jerk who drinks heavily, then falls asleep, snoring and drooling, usually on my shoulder. Heck, that's what I've got a husband for.

I have no excuse for the Dr. Phil.

I'm comforted to see (and thoroughly amused that you documented it) that Roy does NOT, in fact, talk back to you. Now THAT would be REALLY embarassing, as well as damning evidence at your competency/commitment hearing.

From one cat-talker to another.

Oh, and wireless is the way to go, but let's hope the 16-year-old set your wireless network up to be secure, or else your neighbors may be buying stuff on ebay with your credit card....

Regarding #1: I do it all the time because I grew up with it. My mom taught her cat to say "Mama". Seriously. He used to meow it- "maaaaaaaa ma."

Oh, and #6- my dad once gave me one of the best pieces of advice about that. "Never shit on your own time"

Laurie, none of these makes me worry for your sanity except for #14. Please say you're just sickly fascinated by the smarm and not actually believing the words.

Also, I want to ask your advice, since you mentioned perms. Should I? Okay, listen. I am going to go blog about it so I can solicit everybody's advice, so will you come over later and hear about my crazy hair plan and then give me some advice? Because you were so willing to bow to the will of whatsisname on the bangs issue, somehow I trust you.

1. I HEART my wireless network. H.E.A.R.T. it.

2. "Break My Stride" was recorded by none other than Matthew Wilder. I love that song. It's on my iPod!

3. "Break free, break from the chains!"

#9

I actually told my cousin that he was adopted and his mom was a fat, bald, Chinese lady and that he ever told his parents they'd all shoot him. Ugly clowns, though... that's funny.

Well I TiVo Dr. Phil too. I actually watch it at work and then will come home and watch it again if it's a good show. I'm using Dr. Phil to train my husband and so far it's working.

He even watches it if I'm not home so he's a Dr. Phil fan too!

BTW #6...Definitely and I try to not even pee if necessary I've got one strong bladder! I work with ALL MEN, nuff said?

Dell has made me cry, too. Hooking up routers and such is NOT easy. Don't give up though, there IS a way. Just take dealing with the stuff one day at a time and look at it as a "learning experience."

Have you tried the Geek Squad?

Oh Crimson...now I have Break My Stride in my head...I used to love that song...

Wireless internets...you can send us updates on the square watermelons direct from the back 40! (Comin' to you live, from the back 40.... sounds like a game show...)

#4 me too. Will probably do so today (beware, Southwest flyers.)

"I'm a TV newscaster. What, don't you recognize me?"

I told my little sister (and keep in mind, there is a 14 yr age gap) that she was the last in a series of children we got and then gave away again because they were naughty. Why else were my brother and I so much older? Then I created names and personalities for each of the mysteriously missing children. I terrified her for a couple of months with that one until my mother found her crying and I was soundly scolded.....

I still laugh Cruella-deVille style when I think about it :)

Purl -
A friend of mine and I used to play a game on weekends when we were bored - we would go looking for homes for sale that were having open houses and lie to the realtors about our jobs. sometimes we would decide upon the jobs and a little back story before we went in, but even better was when one of us would "inform" the other right in front of the agent - ie the agent would ask what we did and he would say, "I'm a brain surgeon at the Mayo Clinic and we need a place when we are here with our 5 kids that we adopted from Lithuania and Lisa here, well, she's an interpretive dancer whose work all revolves around Steve Winwood's music - perhaps you've heard of her?" The hardest part was not laughing when I found out what we did - but it was improv at it's finest. Plus it was great watching the realtor try to figure out if we were for real or not.

OH - it's "Adult Film Script Supervisor" - you live in movieland and continuity manager (which is what they do but not what it's called) would give you away in a heart beat - but maybe that's OK.

I talk to my dog as if she were a person too. My sister is forever making fun of me for trying to reason with a dog.

When I was in 4th grade I decided that Elizabeth just wasn't a "fun enough" name plus I'd always wanted a nickname so I made everyone call me "Sandi". It worked too. For 2 years I went by that but then I switched back to Elizabeth for 6th grade.

I attract the talkers too, wherever I go. And yes, I will make things up to tell them too. :-D
I also talk to my animals. I have no cats but lots of chickens. And turkeys.
They follow me around, bawking and squawking their bird speak. I answer, "Oh really ? What else happened?"
Bird: bawk baaawwwk bawk
Me: so what did you do?
Bird:
Me: It's ok if you don't want to tell me. You can tell me when you're ready.
Bird: bawk bawk babawk bawk
Me: oh no! You're kidding! So then what happened?
Bird: bawk bawk
Me: well I am glad you told me.

And so it goes. And I do tell them the weather for the next day when I close them up at night. I wish I was making all this up.

I can relate to almost everything on the list! Except I never had a boyfriend named Grabowksi. But the cat conversations, airplane untruths, and bad taste in music...that describes me to a tee.

I concur with Mary in Virginia about the wireless security thing; one of the guys at work told be that you should have your wireless service encrypted so that people don't tap into it. He told me a woman he knows has no computer service herself but freely TAPS INTO other people's wireless internet service just b/c she doesn't want to pay for her own account. It sounded like when going wireless the laptop will scan for available signals and if yours isn't encrypted it can be hijacked or rather, borrowed. TACKY!!!
And what's wrong with talking to cats?

So the burning question now is: With the eBay accessible everywhere you go, how does that work with the "budget"? Just asking.

I love that you wanted to change your name to Crimson. When I was eight, I too wanted to change my name. I tried to make everyone call me "Scarlet." I never knew there was someone else with a love of names that are also the color red.
Your blog always makes me laugh. :)

One of my cats has a distinctive meow to indicate when she's just dirtied up the litter box.

I catch myself asking her, "Oh, did you have a nice poop, Frannie?" Pathetic.

then I check to see whether the windows are open, hoping my downstairs neighbors do not have windows open on the same side of the house so they don't hear me inquiring about the 'niceness' of my cat's poop.

Oh boy....I am 1,2,3,8, 9 but I said Frogs causing my sister to dislike frogs to this day & 13....cause I miss big hair!

If you lie to people sitting next to you on planes, you definitely should try lying to the telemarkters that call your house. Very amusing.

My plane trips are going to be so much more fun from now on.

Actually I downloaded that Wilson Phillips song last week too. I realized when you mentioned it that I had a hankering to hear it again...

If it makes you feel any better about your taste in music, someone riffled through my car the other night (IN my carport, thank you very much) and LEFT ALL MY CDs.
Guess the young punks just don't care for Johnny Cash or the folkie singer-songwriters these days....

Laughing over here. My mom once told me that I was adopted. I'm not like the rest of the family. I am a giant, standing all of 5'7" tall. They are all "vertically challenged", between 4'9"-5'6". I told the family once they were escapees from an Italian dwarf circus. I was in tears the day I found out I really WASN'T adopted, and they really ARE my family.
Life is cruel.

I remember Bertie Higgins "Sail Away to Key Largo . . just like Bogie and Bacall. . ."" Still have the recording. (It was a heartache song) And, I talk to my feline companion, Sheldon, and he often responds, quite a vocal range! and he's not even Siamese. As for fluffing, or pooting, well - once you get to know that certain guy and a bit of silliness settles in I've always thought it amusing (in bed, don't raise the blankets, please!)Once, after a serious bout of Texas Chili feasting, my male companion and I silently cleared out a sale at a local boutique. A-hah! Not exactly a high point, but perversely satifying.

I did #9. Told my little brother that he was adopted and I had the name and number of the agency and could have him taken back. It was great fun until my mom overheard me one day. Hey, how was I to know she was adopted? So, needless to say, I didn't sit well for the rest of the day.

And I used to do #14, but I was running out of time to watch all my shows in the evening when I got home from work.

Remember~perms never!

I have a good one to share with you...A friend of mine had a brand new Gateway notebook sent to her daughter away at college and the daughter took out the power cord and manual/paperwork and then tossed the rest of the box because she didn't think a computer could be that flat and never bothered to check under the box bottom so then she tossed the box in the trash! Brand new laptop in the landfill, can you believe that? My MIL uses the one we sent her as a paperweight.

I'm obviously much too honest with strangers. But what's REALLY scary? My dad actually IS an expert in plate tectonics. And my mother used to write romance novels. And my sister? Works in a massage parlour...yes, THAT kind.

I should start lying...so at least I can keep up with the rest of my wierd family.

I also informed my family at about the same age that they should refer to me by a different name. My father did - for 20 years! This was the same man who never disciplined us for going out drinking until the wee hours. He just got us up at 7 am for a hearty, all-the-fixins, "I slaved for hours making this for you and you will eat it" breakfast.

You mean there are people who don't talk to their pets?

(I don't just talk to them like they're people... I often talk for them.)

My cat talks to me... As soon as I walk in the door I hear, "MROW." Translation, give me cat fud!

Nobody's gonna break my stride! Nobody's gonna slow me down! Whoa no! I got to keep on movin!

If you have the worst taste in music ever, then so do I, sister. How do you feel about "Raspberry Beret"? The kind you find in a secondhand store? :)

PS I also talk to my cat like she's human. In fact, we've had that very conversation ("What are you staring at? If it's a bug, just eat it.") So that is not at all weird or embarrassing, in my book. Of course, my book would probably be considered weird and embarrassing in most circles. :)

WOW. I try to get seats with no one else around when i buy my plane tickets... when you buy online you can see 'available seating'. it doesn't always work. luckily, no one has ever decided to chat my ear off on a plane. However, i chat online and people often ask me what i do. So online (and once in a while, in person) i will answer: "I'm the head carrot peeler for a major salad corporation."
the funniest part?? the people who just kind of nod and say "Cool."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
and... embarassing moments... well, you know.. the 'fluff' situation... um, er, POSITION.. well, keeping that in mind.. you know the term "gag reflex?" Yeah. well. Yup. I did. I threw up on a guy. *NOW*... considering who.. i think it's kind of funny *Wicked chuckle* Sorry. i'm warped and twisted and maybe a wee bit evil and bitter? maybe. and when i go to CD warehouse to buy cheap used CD's, I always get strange looks. WHY is it so odd to be buying piano solos, classical music, 70's rock AND Rob Zombie all at the same time? WHAT? Stop looking at me like that!
Love you laurie :)

*Stephanie

Hey! Don't worry I TIVO Dr. Phil too and I LOVE IT! IT's all about guilty pleasures!

OH! I knew i forgot something...
I have a Hurricane Rescue cat *Beaming happily* and i am telling you.. she is the talkingest damned cat i have EVER come across in my life. and she has MANY DISTINCTIVE Meow's... i swear she talks to me but i don't understand her. *Sigh* i'm the stupid human. trust me. she's also a little neurotic about being left alone and stuff. when i come home she follows me around meowing. I do tell her hi and that she's pretty but i don't actually hold *conversations* with her... often. just sometimes. "Did you catch a bug? you DID! um... would you stop playing with it and KILL it already? GOOD GIRL!"
My friend has a cat that does not like *ANYONE*... sometimes, not even the human though if the cat likes ANYONE, it would be the human. however, i *SWEAR* THIS cat completely understands English. If i make some nasty comment about the evil cat, she will look at me, hiss, then turn her back to me. hahahahahahaha! and once, we had a conversation. truly. she understood every word i said. she started hissing at me. i spoke a sentence to her while she quietly listened. "HISSSSSS!" Me: More talking. as soon as i was done talking, "HISSSS!" this went on for about 3 minutes. it ended with her meowing/growling/hissing at me and then leaving the room. bitch. :)

When I was a kid flying to visit my dad, I told the nice psychiatrist lady sitting next to me that I'd been in a mental hospital and had shock therapy.

I think she even believed me.

And I just got a pet dog, and I totally talk to her.

Laurie,
I've been reading your blod for a while and absolutely love the way you write. I can relate a lot of the things you've gone through in piecing your life together and living out loud. You're a real inspiration.

I am embarrassed by how much I idolize you. If we were in junior high (and I actually knew you), my relatives would get tired of hearing your name all the time, "Crimson, Crimson, Crimson."

Why do I feel like we're all going to end up calling you Crimson from now on?! I'm glad we ALL have the worst taste in music evah. I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve "Break My Stride"

I speak to my cats with an English accent, and I'm Canadian.

I hate it when things break. I just had a cable break on my bicycle and a spring break on my clarinet (both now in the shop.) So I have no idea how I'm getting home from work tonight, and I can only cross my fingers and hope my clarinet is repaired for a dress rehearsal tomorrow morning.

When things break, I always start thinking "Why couldn't they make this thing durable enough so that it doesn't break?" And I get angry, thinking that maybe someone cut some corners or worse yet, deliberately designed it so it would break. Which is for the most part ludicrous, but still. Then you feel depressed, like fate has it in for you. Then you feel pathetic because you can't help yourself and need someone else to fix it for you.

Ugh. Anyway. Glad to hear you're unleashed!

I talk with my cat and dog all the time (despite the fact that ol' Bucket - the cat - is certifiably insane (early exposure to copious amounts of pharmaceutical grade pot).)

They are (1) the only ones who listen to me; and (b) the only ones that don't talk back.

I like that in my children. Too bad the wee Monkey one won't follow suit.

I have more pet names for my cats than my husband. 'Nuff said!

Oh, but you forgot: Writes a list of the "Top Five Really Embarrassing Things About Me" and puts fourteen items on it.

And I talk to my cats, too. Belle even talks back, vocal little princess that she is.

Me: Stop fussing. I just fed you an hour ago.
Belle: Prrrp!
Me: I did too!
Belle: Mreeeowp!
Me: Now you watch your language, young lady!

You know, talking to cats is not a crazy quirk anymore. =) It's getting them to understand that's the trouble...

Fluffing during sex is also completely normal, as is not being able to poop at work. I have friends who can't poop anywhere except at their own home. And of course, my bathroom because they're so comfortable with me. (i don't know if that's an honour...)

Oh, I'm sure the cats understand every word I say -- they just don't think that what I'm saying is very important... (Oh - and I miss my curly perm, too)

Jesus K-Ci JoJo and Mary? How can nobody but you get that??? K-Ci and Mary J. Classic.

I talk to my cats as well. I don't think that there's anything strange about it. They are after all great listeners.

Wasn't that "Break my Stride" song the music in a shoe commercial recently?

I also tried to change my name when I was 12-13. I couldn't do it legally (parents wouldn't let me, go figure) so I announced to everyone including my teachers that from then on I was to be called, "Bridget". I have no idea why I picked that name but after 6 months or so I went back to my real name. :-)

Sweetie, did you buy a netgear router? There is a class action suit against this company. Get your receipt and hie thee back to the store if they sold you netgear! I have to replace mine for your very reasons. It is NOT you.

I talk to my turtle when I am home alone, and they really are some of the best conversations that I have all day, considering that I work with kids. I have slipped up a few times and done it in front of my boyfriend, and he always just gives me a strange look and leaves the room. Oh well.
And by the way, the plane thing is GREAT! I am totally going to try it next time!
I also am waiting to see some square veggies.
Keep up the great writing!

What? Everyone doesn't talk to their cats? My oldest cat Mary, who is about 17 years old, has some GI problems so it's a real focus. Every morning, she announces the results of her latest trip to the litter box.

Mary: Mrooow mrooow mroww..as she stands in the doorway to the utility room.

Me: Oh good girl...is it ok?

At which point she turns around and goes back out the door and I follow her to look...she doesn't cover it up. And then she gets more praise...or laxative.

As for pooping at work, I can't poop on vacation. Needless to say I take very short trips LOL so I don't end up like that poor guy on Survivor!

I think I may have fluffed a bit just reading this post and the comments.

Oh holy...the words left out of the previous comment were, "...because I was laughing so hard." Oy!

I forgot to mention earlier, Crimson, I LOVE that you call your cats dorkuses...that was what my siblings and I always called each other... Well, among other things, I'm sure.

I've been reading for a few months but have never commented. Best column yet!

Do not, I repeat do NOT, laugh, but I immediately knew it was Matthew Wilder who sang Break My Stride...and it always sounded like "Break-a my stride" to me, like he couldn't quite get the whole "k" sound at the end of the word "break". I happen to like Stevie Winwood and the Roll With It song is my exercise warm-up (yes by gosh and by golly I do exercise now and then). And who didn't swoon to Bertie Higgins and the thought of sailing away to Key Largo? Here's lookin' at you, Kid.

man, you give me such laughing fits...
i dig you!!!!!!!!!

Everything was fine until it got to Dr. Phil. I'm hoping to god you do that to take notes on what kind of people not to befriend/entangle/bed.

Re technology... eh. Whadda ya gonna do? All technology is designed, nay, PROGRAMMED to hate. Hate, hate, hate. Like the Devil hates Jesus. Like Nixon hates audio tape. Like Bush hates the English language. What do you think all those microchips are for? To make things work? PFT! Those are HATE chips. Everyone in tech support know it. Our secret is to simply lie to technology. Ignore it. Don't let it play those silly mind games. You wanna hate? NAW! WHO IS A CUTE COMPUTER THAT HATES SCHTUFF? NAW! Personally, I feed all my computers Kibbles and Snouts, and everything works pretty well.

I have one -

Sometimes, when I laugh really hard, I snort.
But usually it's only after reading something like

"Jesus K Ci Jo Jo and Mary"

Ooooo yeah....

i couldn't even read beyond made up airplane lies because, i'm still thinking about my made up greyhound lies ... mainly, which i learned from other greyhound riders ...... you can do things to keep the weirdos away ---- such as LIE! when the bus stops, fall across the seat next to you and pretend to sleep. if that doesn't work, talk to yourself and jerk uncontrolably.
okay, there's more to read .... maybe another post too!

Fluff vs. Queefs, both quite common. ;-)

I'm with ya on #1, 2, 3, 8, & 10!! And I love that you have a photo of Peter Jennings on your desk.

Your blog is always my favorite part of computer time each day.

Ahhhh...you're still normal.
We not only talk to our cats & dogs...we talk for them.
We determined that our old gay Rott, if he did have had a voice, would have sounded like a cross between Adam Sandler and Nathan Lane.
Our new dog would sound like that character named Van on Reba's show.
Our other female dog speaks like Mae West...seeing as how she used to be a 'street walker' and all.
And our Cat who is affectionately called "Le' Contessa" sounds like the Queen of England.

Girl, I've been reading you for a while now, and the days you post always see me with a smile on my face. There's a smile there the other days, too, but its especially wide when I read your posts. Thanks for making the world a little wackier :-)

Gawd I love reading your blog! I am going through a breakup and you make me smile every time I read no matter what kind of day I'm having. You're real proof it's possible to get through this. You rock Laurie, thank you!

I haven't tried telling this one on an airplane, but....I'd like to start the rumor that I manufacture pregnant mannequins for maternity stores....c'mon...someone has to do it, right?

Not only do I (and my DH) talk to our cats but they talk back. Or at least we know what they're trying to say. And "fluff": well now, I've never heard that one (not in that context. Other contexts, but not that oen) & had to read comments to figure out what it meant. And I'm glad I'm not alone in hissy fit land.

I may have posted this before: my mom's favorite expletive? Crimonniny. This is the woman who practically had a coronary when I (a 44 year old woman who has not lived at home for 20+ years) said "freakin." hooooookayyyyy.

And the CatMan and I so talk FOR our cats. In fact we have whole conversations using our cat voices. And we torment our cats by telling them "the cat thief is coming" or "don't make me shake you til your eyes pop out" or "move your stinkin' ass or I'll cap it". You know, normal conversations.

Could there be a divine reason we don't have children?

And if I knew I could sit next to you on a plane, I might actually fly. If there was an IV drip of Xanax and gin.

My cats love to talk to me. anyway, they answer with a 'particular Meow'. seems to echo MY tone of voice. And. Cats and knitting go together like movies and popcorn. You have a great combo!

regarding #8
my fantasy boyfriend (stay with me now) bon jovi? i totally think we should get married. the only problem? i really hate his music.

i have a deep seated fear that our fantasy marriage would end because he'd ask me about his newest song and i'd have to tell him that it sucks. my friend says that all i really need to do is deflect the question by saying, "you so sexy, baby."

the best part? i'd change my name to s. brownrobiebonjovi.

My best friend doesn't just talk to her cats...she talks FOR her cats. I'll be talking to her on the phone and suddenly there will be this other little voice telling me about how nice it is to lay in the sun or chase one of the dogs. This happens, sometimes, unconsciously/spontaneously.

She was in a car accident and the insurance company called to offer her money for her "pain and suffering." She accidently launched into a cat voice in the middle of the conversation with the insurance adjustor. The "pain and suffering" offer went up $200 right away!

I only get non-English speakers next to me on a plane. Do you know it takes FOREVER to leave Dubai??? Guess I'll just drink till I slobber....

Hahaha. Love your chosen professions.

"Fluff"

I see that I am among the many who not only talk to their cats, but have CONVERSATION with them. Try as I may to NOT be normal, it keeps catching up to me.

My cat Jack is part Siamese, so he talks. A LOT. We go on for hours. In the mornings, when I am the only one up, I have to pick him up and whisper--he is so chatty from the floor that he wakes people.

We understand each other, which makes for good conversation, right?

I love a good perm, too. Sadly, the last one I got made my hair huge. If I turned my head on my pillow all I could see was hair. I'm also afraid of moths because one flew into my ear one time (no joke) and I had to go to the ER to get it out. Traumatizing.

I talk to my cat AND with my cat all day long! Very interesting philosophical conversations, I must say. ^^
And about point 6 - most of us cannot, believe me! ^^

I don't have cats, but I do talk to every living thing. Usually I talk the most to my gerbils, who actually look at me when I talk to them. I used to meow at the neighbors cats and they would come running over to me. However, the cats near our apartment don't seem to do this, in fact I tried it yesterday and it didn't work and when I turned around there was someonle else in the parking lot totally staring at me!
As for #6, I have a shy bladder so I have a very hard time in public restrooms. As for poop, there has to be absolutely NO ONE in the bathroom, and even then it has to be like, an emergency.

It just kills me. What kills me you ask?? well let me tell you.
everytime i get on here and look at your blog, it floors me how many comments you receive.
Do you actually read them all??
Just curious. I know curiosity killed the cat, but being as how you are a cat person I figured that i was safe.

It's so freeing to throw a hissy fit every now and then!

Laurie: I just found out, as a new owner of an iPod, that there is a place on the web called iAshamed where people post the most embarassing songs they have on their iPod. I'll confess mine here: the songs of the Go-Gos. Love them. Oh well.
I haven't commented in a while (life is most crazy) but want you to know I *always* find time to read your blog. ALWAYS. You have got a gift for writing, there is no doubt. Thanks for sharing it with us all.

I am so going to start using "Jesus K-Ci JoJo and Mary" as my new slang. Brilliant! It beats the pants off "Jesus Christ in a taxi cab" which is what I've used for years.

Have any kitty pictures for us today??

honestly girl, i picture YOU as the talker on the airplane i would be trying to avoid!!! :)

Dusa - where I grew up "Criminetly" is fairly common. I use it all the time, especially when there are children or old folks or nuns about and I can't just say, "Shit!"

Anyway, "Crimoninny" just reminded me of "Criminetly" and I thought I'd share. :)

As long as the cats don't actively start mocking you during these conversations, I think that's just fine. Sometimes I makeup conversations that I'm sure the dogs and cats are having with each other. That's because I know that I'm not the center of the universe.

Adult film continuity manager... I could totally do that job!

Yes, I read them all!

I think (because) weekends are made for fun is either Trinere or Debbie Deb. I own the cassette maxi single lol!

Since we're all on the bathroom language page here, I'll admit my worst recuring embarrassment... "fear of peeing in a cup"... I can sit in a docs office for 45 minutes, until they knock on the door and tell me to give up, without being able to actually pee in a cup. Then, the minute I get in the car, I'm lookin' for a place to pull over and, well, pee, what else!

I had to do an in-home urine test for my new insurance (yes, this intrusive nurse came into my home to give me this test) and I couldn't even do it in my own home!!!! She had to come back first thing the next morning and I wasn't allowed to go until the she got there... performance anxiety, I suppose!

Of these two:
>6) I cannot poop at work. 'Nuff said.
>7) I have a framed photo of Peter Jennings on my desk at work.

One of them is more embarrassing. It's not the poop one.

;-)

was away for the weekend and so happy to be get to catch up on your blog. I have my own little quirks as well...

1. I also have craptastic taste in music. My iPod contains an interesting mixture of disco, 80's, early-90's hip-hop, country, and showtunes.

2. Combine the ghetto-slang with rap music. I also have 2Pac, 50 Cent and Eminem on the iPod.

3. I also can't poop at work. Or most any public restroom where someone may recognize me. Or the bathroom of any casual acquaintance. My friends have said they knew I truly thought of them as a friend when I finally went #2 in their bathroom.

4. When my younger sister was about 9 or 10 I repeatedly told her that she was found under a rock outside of a Dennys and as a result of said rock she would be flat chested for the rest of her life. I don't know why I said this.

5. I hate doing laundry. I've gone to the store and bought new underwear to avoid doing a load of laundry. My cousin came over to my house once as I was cleaning out my closet & said "dear GOD I've never seen so many panties in all my life". The next night she proceeded to tell all of our girlfriends at our favorite pub about the unbelievable extent of my "panty collection" and that I must be trying to achieve some sort of Guinness book record.

6. I talk to my dog as though she's human. "Hi baby girl! did you miss me today? I'm happy to be home too..." and so on.

I read your blog all the time. ALL - THE - TIME. It was actually reading your blog that made me finally decide to sit down and start my own. I strive to be candid on mine, and think that i am, then read your new posts and you go and up the bar. Fascinating stuff. So enough already, I HAVE to comment. Finally. Ahem: Quirks. Seriously. I could relate to almost every one you mentioned with the exception of a fear of knitting outside due to moths and lying to people on planes because a) i don't knit, though i would like to, but blame never having learned on being left-handed and b) i make painstaking efforts to not talk on planes to anyone about anything because i don't know... i'm 35 and still have hang-ups about strangers. I can say however that i DO talk to my dog as though he were human, and even go so far as to call him "my little man" which is frightening to admit. I do relate to Ebay, Ebay, Ebay - wait, no, I had to give Ebay up COLD TURKEY. (I'm getting the shakes just thinking about it). I too wanted a name change, and had 1/2 of my elementary school convinced I was french and my name was avril not april, until my older brother outed me very loudly in the hall one day, AND when i first ever fluffed (hmm, fluffed, never heard that one before?!) in front of my hubby (then boyfriend) I actually tried (like a 5 yr old) to deny it even though there were only the two of us present, and then finally (like a 5 yr old) had a little embarrassed cry and wouldn't let him look at me. Seriously.
At any rate, thanks Laurie, for Crazy Aunt Purl, and for making all of us quirky gals feel normal. Yay!