first?

Oh, man that was classic.
Have they come back yet?

Nope. They apparently don't like visitin' with the crazy. LOL.

It should be illegal to wake people up by knocking unless it's a certified emergency - or a really great yarn discount. and even then, it would have to be really really great.even free?
By the way, if its the J.Wits that come to bug you in the a.m, just tell em "i'm disfellowshipped" and they have to leave you alone. (my boyfriend is a recovering child of J.Wits - so I got the inside info from him)

At least they could've left you some pamplets...scratch paper comes in handy.

Ooooooooooh! A new recipe! Can't wait to see how Angelica develops . . . GREAT name!

I still have to send you pics of my Magic Scarf.

Laurie, you are a peach! I always know where I can come for a laugh and smile. Cant wait to see the pix!

HA! Killer funny! And so much nicer than I usually am, to the poor unfortunates who get stuck recruiting on my block. I usually just roll my eyes and shut the door...

Seriously though with the potholes. Not even prayer can help us there.

When I lived in TX this truck would come with two guys and they would shovel asphault(sp?) onto the road and then drive over it until it was smooched down...a strange thing it see.

Mmmmm Oscar De La Hoya...He's on my list :) Great story about the attempted "awakening". My grandmother used to tell them she believes in the Great Spirit (we're Native American, but really she was Catholic) and she would start telling them traditional stories about the spirits...the knockers were gone before she could get a complete sentence out.

That's so much better than my method of getting rid of them! LOL...thank you so much for the laugh, I really needed it today.

So I just discovered on the Easter Aisle at my local grocery store that not only do they sell chocolate Easter Bunnies nowadays ... but also chocolate Easter Crosses! I say have a stock of those on hand so that next time they show up you can just grab one up and take a bite out of it as they start talking to you. That would probably send them screaming.... ;)

Note to self: go on about potholes the next time someone is convinced they should save my damned pagan soul from an eternity in one of the slightly less than fashionable rings of hell.

Best. Response. Ever. ;D

Rule 1: Do NOT take a sip of anything while reading your blog. Almost spit water all over everything.

You may have ended the Saturday pre 9 am visits from here on out. Good on ya!

When salespeople or roaming evangelists show up at my door, I'm always tempted to ask for *their* home addresses - you know, so I can show up at 7:00 am on a Saturday and see how they like it.

(mutter)

HAR!!!! That was great! Purlella, you are a hoot! I usually just tell them I'm a Wiccan or a Buddhist. Once I told them I was both Wiccan and Buddhist. They literally hissed at me before they scurried off. But your conversation was just too funny! Those poor Church Ladies were probably convinced you were a crazy person. Maybe you so scared them,that they gave up the Saturday door to door proseltyzing. Maybe you did your neighborhood a big favor!

Laurie, you need to start a phone chain with your neighbors (like Tommy). When I was younger and the "enlighteners" used to come to our street, we had a chain that started at the first house...they would call next door to warn, "They're coming! They're coming!" and the message would get passed down from house to house. We all would close our drapes and hide. A slightly twisted game, but very amusing at the age of 6...and let's be honest, probably just as amusing at the age of 26. When are you going to write a book, seriously?

hah hah I spelled secede with a "u" LOL. I need more coffee.

This made my day! :D

I always wondered what I missing out on by not answering the door.

All things considered, I think I'd rather live next door to Oscar de la Renta.

I tried to argue with those people once a long time ago and they STALKED me for like six months. They can be relentless - after all they are possessed. don't. answer.the.door.

You amaze me with your writing! Have you ever considered doing a one-woman show?

Today's story was priceless.

I wonder if there is some data on the 'success rate' of this out there. I mean really. How many people do they actually convert through this method?

Next time yell "go away, we're having sex!!"

I am interested to see the Angelica! I've been thinking of knitting one of these Parisian scarves for my mom. But I'm afraid it will look "shawlly." Like little old lady shawlly. Mom's a young 67. (Looks more like Cher, version 1.0)

And I've got a similar story about Jehova's Witnesses coming to my house. It involves my boys (then lil tykes), a Chucky doll and a baseball bat. Let's just say they haven't been back.

I lived in a neighborhood for a time which was near the national headquarters for a group most known for door-to-door evangelicism. They would show up at 8am every saturday and every saturday I wouldn't let them in. I don't know why they kept trying.

I know someone who answered the door naked once.
That actually stopped them.

Good one, Laurie. Living in TX, we have to deal with a fairly large number of bible thumpers, so I've developed an arsenal of responses.

Back when I was a small girl-child, my mom used to open the door to ladies who always wanted her to pray with them. One day, instead of politely declining and closing the door, she said, "Oooh, I'd love to. Let's do it my way today, ya'll!" Then she plopped down onto the doorstep in a full lotus (Mom was limber in those days) and started "ohming" like all get-out. The ladies lost their Christian compassion and called her a bunch of un-called for things involving the words "pagan," "heathen" and "brimstone."

Lately, my favorite response has been to say,"Look, I know that you truly mean well from the bottom of your heart, but I want you to stop and think about something before you knock on my neighbors door. I'd like you to consider that a persons relationship with the Almighty just might the absolutely most private thing in a persons life. It certainly is in my life. I do not casually discuss the center of being with just anyone. Very close friends know me for years and we never discuss it. Because it's PRIVATE. While, again, I know you mean well, I'd actually be less offended if you knocked on my door and asked to discuss my sex life."

Mostly they get all huffy (probably because I said "sex"), but once I saw a guy sit down on my curb and appear to pray or ponder on our conversation. Then he got up and knocked on my neighbors door anyway. I guess God told him it was alright to carry on. Still, I made him think about it.

Next time, I'll try the crazy lady response.

very effective, purly. when religious people get in my face to proselytize, i just tell them, thank you, i've been saved already.

and that is that.

Next time, let Sobakawa answer the door. The good news is that your visitors will never return.

Funniest response to them I've ever heard of! Good Job!!!

I had a friend in college who is/was pagan. She was confronted on campus one night and argued with them point by point through the Bible (did I mention she grew up Catholic and knew the Book better than they did) until they finally walked away from her.

You both have amazing talent!

Next time the nice Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door, I plan to rant away about the potholes! Nothing else has worked. Thanks for the advice, CAP!

Wow - you must have really pulled *crazy* on them. I never get them to run away! I usually answer the door with, "Oh, fuck." which they seem to take as an invitation for conversation. Ick.

oooph! I don't like answering the door to any strangers, not even little trick-o-treaters. On Halloween evening I either go out and run errands or sit at the bookstore, or I go to a friend's house and let them answer the door all night.

Once when I was living with my Mom some religious types knocked on our door. Every Saturday morning. For a month. The fourth time the lady pointed to the doormat that said "Welcome" and she asked "Does that apply to us as well?" My mom said, "My house, my rules." They finally give up on us!

I agree with Lauren in Austin. My spirituality is such a personal thing, I can't imagine discussing it with just anyone. I know they mean well, but why do they give me the creeps??

Love it! Love you! I had a very similar experience the morning after I moved to St. Louis. It was August, I got to my new apartment at 1:15 am after an 8 hour drive, moved in everything from my car, drank beer, and slept on the couch naked with the drapes closed and the windows open (remember it's August). They knocked at 7:36 am and I answered the door in a Very Short Japanese coat that was barely held closed with a red belt. I even had the mascara laden eyes, and a very similar conversation with the two young men. They never came back.

You are too funny! Although you are consistently so, this one is especially. Just this morning, I was a thinking that there should be a get together for Crazy Aunt Purl fans, somewhere downtown of course. I'd even hop on the amtrak from the OC to do so.

8 am is rude and you were too nice. Back in my more evil days, I once told one that I was atheist. She came knocking too early as well. I now thank them and let them know that I am happy with myself the way I am then bid them a good day. 8 am is another story.

Laurie, about the Parisian knitting thing - here's a good scarf pattern: http://knitty.com/ISSUEfall04/PATTclapotis.html

laurie, this is the funniest interaction with jehovah's witnesses that i've ever read. it made my day. thanks!
@>-->>---

Too.Funny. Honestly the most perfect response I've ever heard of. Almost makes me wish some would show up at MY door so I can do something like that.

Almost.

I know exactly where you're coming from on the door knockin' bible thumpers. My house has apparently been put on their "Going to Hell" list because I get weekly appearances on my doorstep from various religious sects. Yes, I've heard the good news - you missed all the mounds of dog poo on your walk to my door!

I hope your current knitting project looks better than Anjelica Houston. I never saw the appeal. It helps when daddy is a Hollywood big-wig....

I ask them for their solicitor's permit. With crime being on the uprise, most towns now have a by-law where any group (religious, political, fund-raising) needs to file with the police for a permit before going door-to-door. "No permit? Gee, excuse me while I call the police, ok?" - shut the door, make the call and they're gone for number of years (at least from my neighborhood).

I'm a bitch and proud of it!

Yes, today's story of floral dresses in flight was absolutely priceless. I CANNOT wait to spring that on my next Mormon recruiter callers.

Fuunnnyy story but if they said JC was on the cross, they weren't JWs. I just happen to know 'cause I've talked to them before and they say it was just a tree. Anyway, what kind of yarn are you using for the scarf?

Fantastic! That was so funny. Thanks for clearning my morning blues. :-) Come to think of it, our neighborhood Jehovah's Witnesses haven't been coming around for a long time. I wonder if they have a list that they check off the trouble ones.

Carmen -- moda dea yarn is the brand, the name is "curious" and I got it at JoAnn's Fabrics.

I did feel a little bad later, because with the crazytalking combined with my outfit, cat hair, and mascara-eyes, i did indeed look Insane.

The Anjelica Huston snipe was mean, Laurie, like an insecure 14-year old trying to impress the cool girls. I thought you were better than that.

A question that is a bit off topic. Does anyone know of a pattern for wrap that comes to a "V" in the back but is open like a shawl in front? My mom was raving about one she saw at some function. Thanks in advance for any tips.

My Cheerful 1 & 2 think my name is Mary and always stop by asking for me. My husband keps telling them that Mark does not live here...It was fun.

And speaking of potholes...I have seen some stray cats disappear into the ones on my street...scary, very scary.

Um, Jeanne? Sometimes we're a bit snipey here at CAP. You're always free to do your blog-reading elsewhere.

As Olympia Dukakis said in "Steel Magnolias," "Honey, if you don't have anything nice to say about someone, come sit next to me."

Jeanne, haven't you ever heard the Ugly/Pretty conversation? The idea of unconventional pretty? That in one light, viewed as a collection of parts, a person can be ugly, yet as a sum of a whole, there is pretty? I thought this was a famous enough reference (she's always the star cited in the Ugly Pretty conversation) that most people would see it isn't a petty asshole swipe, it's a way of describing something that is pretty but sometimes you wonder if it's just you that thinks so.

"The fourth time the lady pointed to the doormat that said "Welcome" and she asked "Does that apply to us as well?" My mom said, "My house, my rules." - This was a great response too!

My mom always just told them she was a devout Catholic, and they would usually leave.

oh and I am sooo with you on Oscar de la Hoya....yummmm

That reminds me of the time this teenage Mormon missionary approached me and asked if I had every heard of the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints. I told him not only had I heard about it, but my ex-boyfriend of eleven years was a Mormon, his parents were church elders and his uncle was one of the people they think forged Howard Hughes will. I offered to tell him everything "I" knew about the church. Shut him right up.

Sarah Jessica Parker also has that Ugly/Pretty thing going for her. (or not)

I like the Mormon guys that travel in pairs, myself.

I feel the same way about Sarah Jessica Parker. The whole package comes off as pretty. But the individual parts shouldn't add up to pretty. I think the "pretty" must come from her own belief in her beauty shining through. And, also? professional lighters, makeup, wardrobe and camera people.

HEHEHEHEHE.
I usually don't answer the door to strangers. But I have made some obscene callers hang up. You wanna talk trash? Lets go baby.

Oscar de la yummy. Thanks for reminding me about him.

dude, this is the best thing i've read all day.

this tops the jehovah's witness who married me the first time around. in my defense, neither me nor the Ex were aware that the notary we chose randomly in the yellow pages was a jehovah's witness. said jehovah's witness then tried to convert us on the spot and rope us into going door to door with her. hell no, we wont go.

let this be a lesson to all to not close your eyes and Eeny Meeny Miny Moe your notary out of the yellow pages.

Oh, darlin'!

I'M BACK! - and I missed you so!

Love the OCD Bluejay, love the idea of you opening a window so some guy can climb in (only in the south would that be a first date) and I love the driveby video. So, why no video of the protests in Paris? Ah, I'll just be happy with the delicious wit and prose of our Miss Purl!

Thanks for your writing - you keep me sane, crazy girl!

Ok, wheew... relief! I didn't think I was the only human who had heard of ugly/pretty. And I'll tell you something, Jeanne, your comment bothered me because I was taken aback. Asking myself: Was what I said so obtuse that maybe it meant something to me, in my ugly/pretty world, but to non-art people it's offensive?

I'm pretty sure if I were the mean-spirited ass you think I am, I wouldn't be upset by the inference. So I'm going to let this one go. I did not mean it the way you took it. Sorry if you got offended.

LOL…Oh the door to door Jesus salespersons, gotta just love the ridiculousness of it all. I had a couple of those stop me when I was out walking my dog, I told them I wasn’t interested but maybe they might like to see if the dog wanted to peruse some of their literature. Turns out they had no sense of humor, go fig.

The year I was 12, Jehovah's Witnesses came to my house at 8 am on Christmas morning. For some reason, I was the only person up and dressed and I told them it wasn't polite to go to people's houses Christmas morning unless you're invited. I wish I had had the 'surprise inheritance' line back then.

Annie!! I am so glad to hear you :) :)

Laurie, don't get offended at people like that. That's just ignorance talking. Don't let yourself get upset over that. Oh, when I read that comment, I just knew that was what you were going to say. I mean, about the if you don't like it, read other blogs thing. That is so what I would have said too. Everyone on here loves you and if they don't, they should go away. Only positive people here!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an agnostic?
A: Someone who rings your doorbell at 8 am on a Saturday for NO REASON AT ALL!

My dad used to let them in and argue with them. So they're reading along and he has the Revised Standard or whatever and they have their special Jehovah's Witness Secret Decoder Bible, and there's a difference in wording resulting in a difference in meaning. So they explain to him that their extraspecial translation is the definitive one, to which he replies, "Well, let's check the original Greek. I happen to have a Greek New Testament right here..." they left in a hurry.

Sadly, I have neither a Greek NT nor your panache.

"Good news" and "good booze" sound an awful lot alike...

On the ugly/pretty comments...I flashback to the movie Clueless (which I shamelessly enjoy way too much). Their description of this phenomenon was that it's a Monet - looks like nothing up close, but beautiful from a distance (I'm paraphrasing).

Stupid network drive is down but I still have internet thank goodness. Way too funny. When I have time, I like to argue the bible with them, myself being a former Christian and all. My fave was when a guy wanted to share the passage of the day with me and I asked, "Ummm. That's a Living Bible, isn't it? Because in the King James it reads as..."

My husband was once working in our garden with a friend of ours (we shared the produce and labor), and was approached by a missionary who wanted to know about his personal relationship with Jesus the Lord. My husband told tham that both he and his husband were very happy being pagans and that he was offended that they had come up our driveway to bother him.
Never saw them, or any other of their type, again.

I actually had a funny experience like this. It was a couple of weeks before my wedding, and I was walking out the door with my wedding dress and a backless bra to be fitted. A Japanese man came up to me and told me that he wanted to pray for me. Well, damn, I was getting married in a couple of weeks, I needed all the prayer I could get (and since I have since gotten divorced, clearly I didn't get enough!). So I stood there while he silently prayed. When he finished he asked if I had felt anything (all in very broken English--we were struggling to understand each other). I said not really. So he asked if I wanted to go to the prayer center with him. I told him I couldn't. Then he asked why not. I said that I needed to go do some chores. When he pushed more, I hauled out my bra (and I am a well endowed girl...it was an impressive bra) and told him I needed to go get it adjusted. As I waved the bra in his face, all the blood seemed to drain out of it, and he stammered something at me, and ran away. So...my suggestion is to wave lacy underwear in people's faces...it seemed to work for me!

I became a Catholic at age 30, and became obsessed with the catholic apologist radio shows, so I love to argue evangelists under the table with my biblical evidence of why they need ME to convert THEM! I don't do this because I feel the need to actually covert them, but because I find arguing with these people quite enjoyable if I've got the time. But I really do it mostly because it's fun to get them all in a lather over things because peddling religion door-to-door is SO RUDE!

My husband loves to bring up the point to JW's, that if there are only about 110,000 or so souls that will be saved, how are they to know that if he joins that he won't be better than them and they will get bumped off the list?

I once had a salon owner who was such a good salesman that he got two JW guys who were trying to share the good news with him to buy a mirror from him off of his shop's wall! We giggled all day after that!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm a christian, and I always feel so uncomfortable at the thought of trying to convert absolute strangers, and my level of discomfort is inversely proportional to the cheeriness of the evangelists. I really apologize for this on their behalf. I think you handled it well. Can't wait to see the scarf!

I can't wait to buy a house so they can come a'knockin' at my door.

You know... the door of the crazy Jewish atheist lesbian and her equally crazy Jewish atheist gay leatherman husband.

Poor Jeanne sounds like she's having a bad day, or has been told she looks like Anjelica Houston on more than one occasion... I am familiar with the ugly/beautiful phenomenon, so it didn't irk me in the least.

I must have the nicest J. Witnesses anywhere. They just hand me a little prayer, tell me to have a nice day, "God Bless" and go on their merry way. No preaching, no talking.

Now people knocking asking for donations to who knows what or to buy whatever for who knows what...not happening.

I had a kid selling magazines one time tell me there was no way I couldn't afford to buy any with the house I was living in. (I was at my in-laws.) I had another one who yelled from the sidewalk that because of me kids would go hungry and poor.

last year my sister in law gave this wonderful magnet for my fridge

"Jesus, please protect me from your followers."

It just doesn't get any better than that! I am glad that even though you were tired, you still had your wits about you! Good for you!!

By the way, the V in the back, shawl in the front? Check out Ella from Knitty.

Ok, I have a crazy story you might like. When I was 11, my sister, who was 18 and I were home alone on a Saturday morning. My dad was a director of a regional theatre group and was working on a play that required one of the characters to be in a wheelchair. So the wheelchair was being stored in our living room. So I was bored that day, I was just getting over the flu and not allowed outside yet, so I was sitting in the wheelchair wheeling myself around the house. (I was easily amused back then) There was a knock at the door and my sister opened it. I wasn't paying very close attention but suddenly my sister starts speaking loudly looking at me "Grandma, Grandma, please don't get up! Please don't get out of your chair!" And then with REAL tears in her eyes she looks at the two ladies and pleaded "Please go, your upsetting Grandma. You don't know how crazy she gets when you upset her!" Then she SLAMS the door and comes running over to me screaming "Please Grandma, Please! Don't get up! Don't get up!" And I glanced out the window to see these two ladies running to their car! We still laugh about it to this day. Best acting job she ever did! I don't think they ever came back.

By the way, been reading your blog for some time, and I love it! You are so clever!

My parents in law don't get many JW's anymore, maybe because they own large and very protective Great Danes. It's hard to deliver the "Good News," when all you can hear is barking and all you can see is big teeth.
The apartment below us is especially reserved for Mormons who come to work at our local food bank/youth center. I believe one of the conditions for having the apartment is that they can't solicite the neighbors. When we moved here, we had plently of strapping young Mormon men more than willing to lift heavy things. And if on Friday nights there was a lot of laughing and thumping from below us, we just looked at each other and wondered what they might be doing down there.

Thanks, Jen! I will check it out.

Tami, that is the first thing I thought of too! And for the record, it's:

Tai: "Do you think Amber's pretty?"
Cher: "No, she's a full on Monet. It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess."

So sad I have that movie memorized.

I think you are way cool.

Apparently living next door to Mormons keeps the rest of them from knocking on your door! Since they moved in, nary an uninvited soul has knocked and tried to sell me the Lord.

Ahahahaha. Awesome. I once had some Filipino missionaries come to my door. I guess they figured I could relate better to someone who, you know, LOOKED LIKE ME. GAH. Freaked me out a bit when I thought of the pre-doorknock research they had done.

And, yes, potholes are the WORST. They blew out two of my friend's tires in one fell swoop. So sad.

Way to freak 'em out, Laurie! BTW -- did you hear on the news last night that at the current rate of repairs it will take 80 years to fix all of the potholes in L.A.? Better go get yourself some asphalt from Home Depot. I'm sure George can help you!

Jenny, you are my hero...

Erin!! I heard that same news too. I really do think the Valley ought to just up and secede once and for all again. I swear. I would flash the entire transporation department board of directors if I thought it would help. Unfortunately, unless they like chubby love, my street would get pushed to the bottom of the list.

I *love* that line from Clueless LOL.

My fav line from clueless:

[about keeping her virginity]
Cher: You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.

Mine is:

Cher: Hi Daddy, this is my friend Tai.
Daddy: Get out of my chair!

That is soooooo my Dad!

I'm supposed to be completing a usability study of a website, and I just spent the past 15 minutes looking at quotes from clueless!!!! LOL

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112697/quotes

Me too!! (Well, I have no idea what a usability study is, but the quotes part...)

"Boy, getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is. After that, Dionne's virginity went from technical to non-exisistant."

Such a great movie

Jenny!!

Mel: Where are you?
Cher: I'm just having a snack at my girlfriend's.
Mel: Where, in Kuwait?
Cher: Is that in the valley?

LMAO

I think I need to go back and buy an 818 belt buckle to rep the Valley, yo yo

...is ABC's 'Lost' a repeat this week.

http://www.islostarepeat.com/

I love the line where she's arguing with Josh's girlfriend about Hamlet and she says "Well, I think I remember Mel Gibson correctly and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did."

I love that line!!!

Jenny, apparently you and I have turned today's comments into an IM session ;) whoops!

I have to get back to work.

"As if!"

Oh, you are my hero. You'd think that as a former JW, I'd be able to come up with snappy responses to get them off my doorstep, but I usually just tell them the truth - I'm a former JW, now I'm a witch, and I can tell them ALL about the cult they belong to. They then look at me funny, and leave quickly.

Yeah, I guess at some point I should start working for this paycheck they keep giving me. See you tomorrow!

Travis: I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I'd never be tardy.

And so began my crush on Breckin Meyer...

When I was a kid, some nice Mormon boys knocked on my divorced Catholic mother's door. She told them she would listen to them if they helped her move some furniture (hey, there was no man around the house!) They did, and she did. Then she sent them on her way. She always was an opportunist.

Oh, Laurie, I had a similar experience involving two smiling, sweet-faced elderly women - both nicely dressed (50's style)who informed me that they had good news, something that I "HAD BEEN WAITING FOR". I assumed they were the advance people from the home-weatherization bureau, whom I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR. I must have looked thoroughly dismayed when I discovered their true mission. They mirrored it right back at me when I informed them (umm, not quite correctly) that I followed the Buddhist Path to Enlightment. I think that was a lesson in religious tolerance, for all of us. Though I can't see myself going door-to-door selling my beliefs, apparently some people are concerned about my "burning in hell forever". Patti Smith said it for many of us - "Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine". Now, I surely hope that I haven't offended too many people. Oh well!

pyschoMom~ how do you get obscene calls to hang up?

Are you giving lessons on this? I would like to take a class.

Every time I visit your corner of the internet I learn a new skill...that has to be the best way to deflect unwanted visitor. You inspire me.

my mother used to hide in the hall until the jehovah's witnesses would leave.

One time two guys from a baptist church came to my door and when I opened they said "if you died today would you go to heaven?" and I said "I sure would!" and they didn't know what to say because no one ever said that before.

I am just not into knocking other peoples beliefs. If someone wants to believe in cabbages or flying spaghetti monsters...that's their perogative. Why knock 'em.

The French actually have a term for the beautiful/ ugly phenomenon-
it's " jolie-laide" ( how appropriate that it's French given that Laurie just returned from France and has named her scarf in honor of Anjelica Huston- someone who is truly gorgeous from some angles and merely interesting-looking from others.)

Here we anawer the door nearly nekkid when we see the Cosmic Converters roaming the 'hood. The belts from our bathrobes constantly disappear anyway ( they become cat toys) so it's (ohgodmy eyes) peekaboo city Me with the bad case of lawyer butt-spread and Mr. Alice with his hairy chest, beer gut and dazed look (he can't see without his glasses) no doubt make the folks think they've landed on the porch of a fat dominatrix and her druggie- submissive-
and we don't tell 'em no different!

You all are going to make me go home and watch "Clueless" for the zillionth time. Still not network connection so I can't do any work. I love how internet and email are from a different server that is still operational though. teehee

Oh, and one time a friend of mine was awakened by a JW after a severe night of drinking. (Another friend and I had played tic tac toe up his arm after he passed out on the table at the bar.) He went to the door in his boxers. The stupid woman asked him if she had disturbed him.

Dagny -
I've fixed the link in my blog, if you still want to play at princess...even though Empress is a higher title...

And I SO need to go watch Clueless again. Don't own it yet, though. What's wrong with me??

When I was a teenager, my friend Kevin answered the door wearing a rubber Batman hood and singing "Jesus loves me, this I know..". They were verily confused and never came to his house again.

The roaming evangelists in my neighborhood are all Spanish speaking and I don't habla Espanol, so I'm saved...so to speak.

I live in Virginia and back in January a pair of Young Gentlemen Sent from God were shot (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,180413,00.html).
I wonder if they threaten the little Pre-Spreaders of Faith, "If you're bad we'll send you to pound the streets in Virginia..."

But our Missionaries are usually running around on bikes with their little dorkmeister safety helmets on. Which I guess now they should also be wearing matching bulletproof vests along with their dorky little helmets.

When I come home from work or the store and I see them on our street I loop around pretending that I don't live here -- or park and run while they're on a porch down the street.

It's like a game really. I've been known to duck and hide holding groceries as they ride by. If you chant "Please let me be invisible" enough I think it works. :) Next time sic Soba on them.

Cheryl, my mom used to do that too!

In my early teens, I once answered the door and told the JWs we were atheists, just for kicks. Mom about had a heart attack, but they never returned!

OMG! That's is the funniest thing I've ever heard! And way better than my last response of "And don't come back" after they handed my son a magazine, while I was in the shower one bright sunny MORNING.

I got evangelized the other day myself. When they asked me if I had a church home, I told them I was a Unitarian Universalist, which you could tell really perplexed them. Unfortunately, they were just regular ole Baptists. I was hoping for Jehovah's Witnesses, cuz I've NEVER had them before, or even the oh-so-exotic Mormons. Oh well. Maybe next time. I think I'll even keep some mascara handy so I can do the Baby Jane look too. That sounds downright festive!

JUST TODAY, out walking with the new furry love-of-my-life, I saw a bumper sticker that said "Jesus is coming: look busy!"

LOL- my favorite missionary story goes like this:

Two summers ago I helped two friends of mine (a couple) move out of their apartment and into another. We were rather unfortunate in that we scheduled the move in the middle of a hurricane (a small hurricane but a hurricane none the less..) Anyway so I helped the couple lug stuff to the moving van along with several other colleagues that had signed up to help in the pouring rain....

Anyway one of our colleagues, a really nice Morman man, scooted off saying he was going to get "help." At this point we were tired, very wet, and hot, and lugging stuff up two flights of stairs when our Mormon friend showed up with about 5 young strapping missionaries. My friends and I (a Jew, a Unitarian, a Catholic and a med student) stood there stunned as these 5 missionaries cheerfully emptied the truck and bounded up the stairs with all that furnature. Apparently the missionaries knew our Mormon friend and were totally willing to help out in exchange for pizza and ice cream (guess they don't get much of that when on mission.)

They did this in a hurricane folks....

Anyway- I try to be polite but brisk with missionaries- as I have had a lot of friends who have been one at some point in their lives. I tell them I'm Catholic and no thank you very much- usually my barking and growling dog drives them off.

That was the best. From Angelica Huston to JC and his taco stand on 7th Street. Blogging doesn't get any better than this.

Those Mormons- so wholesome. My old landlord LOVED renting to them b/c they were perfect tenants. I see the occasional pair of Elders on the subway around here, traveling in pairs (when you see a pair of young wholesome-looking guyn in a suit or at least a short-sleeve dress shirt & tie you know to look for that name badge) but I've never had any type of missionaries come knocking on my door. Maybe there just aren't too many in the burbs of Boston?

for the jolie-laide phenom: candidate #3: I can't think of her name but that actress that's been in some Pedro Almodavar (probably misspelled) movies and played Antonio Banderas' fiancee in Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. Great movie. Perhaps "striking" is the word for them.

Seriously, you should write a book. I'd buy it and so would at least 100 other people.

I think 100 is a very conservative guestimation...

In October of 2004 a couple of evangelists knocked on my door, holding their Bibles in front of them on full display, and they gave a short lecture on how ugly and full of hatred the world is today, and did I know of any ways to make this world a better place? So I said, "Yeah - vote Kerry!" and gave them a thumbs-up and shut the door.

I believe they fled the neighborhood. :)

OMG - I meant to hit the refresh button and accidentally hit print! Raced over to the printer fervently hoping that no one else was printing anything... Did you know that this post + comments is 23 pages long?

LOL @ Tami hehehehe

Just for the record as a fella who was a Mormon missionary. They hate knocking on your door only slightly less than you hate having them knock.

The success rate is tremendously low and it is just miserable to do. Not saying you need to let them in, or even be nice to them.

Maybe it's just me, but I totally though that the comment about it being petty and mean, or whatever was someone's attempt at a joke. I guess I can't imagine anyone caring that much about famous people's feelings.

Yeah, I'm the office idiot I guess...good thing I have the ability to laugh at myself! (Now...where did that dunce hat go...)

OMG laughing my ass off!!!

You just made me laugh so hard I cried. Thank you!

We don't get ANY JW's or disciples of Moroni here in Afghanistan....I wonder why?

We found the cure for early Saturday morning roving evangelists - a chalk outline of a body on the front doorstep along with samples of their liturature tossed about!!!!

My husband's nieces were raised as JW's, and their mom used to force them to make the door-to-door visits while she supervised from the car. They told me that they would press the wood near the doorbell, and when no one came to the door (snort!), they'd shrug their shoulders and leave. Mom never knew! Yes, both later left the religion far, far behind. :o)

Oh my goodness, I have been laughing very hard and loud at everybody's comments. Ya'll crack me up (NM counts as south, so I can say ya'll).

Especially Suzanne, "Unfortunately, they were just regular ole Baptists. I was hoping for Jehovah's Witnesses, cuz I've NEVER had them before, or even the oh-so-exotic Mormons. Oh well. Maybe next time."

Grew up in Utah so I think I had at least one morman. Not-so-exotic.

Anita: I talk crap right back at them. Like a Sailor.

I have had door-to-door people come by, but they managed to give my sleeping dog a fright and he has LEAPT at them, growling. They were obviously shaken but - amazingly - not deterred.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't believe Jesus died on the cross. They will adamantly argue that it was not a cross and instead was a stake. So, I don't know if these were JW's after all. However, if they do come back and they're misinformed JW's, whatever you do, DO NOT BE POLITE OR ACT INTERESTED IN ANY WAY! They WILL return!

My Mom belonged to that cult when I was a child so I know a lot of their secrets. They keep maps and records of every neighborhood they visit and will keep notes on how you responded. If you argue the facts with them (which they take as an interest), they will return. OH YES, THEY WILL RETURN! Be afraid girlfriend, be very afraid!

They also have people who do this for a living and in 20-40+ hours a week going door to door. They don't do it to annoy you, they earnestly believe in what they're saying. That being said, you know how passionate people can be when they really believe in something and don't easily give up.

When I see them, I don't answer the door. I don't even bother to pretend I'm not home. I don't care! After all my family has gone through, I hope I send them a clear message.

In the past, I've just looked at them and said 'no thank you' and shut the door. If they are rude enough to wake me up early on a Saturday morning, I figure I can be rude back.

Now that I am a sinner, I think I might let my robe gap open to reveal my bare breast, look them up and down and drawl in my most southern drawl " well, (while licking my lips), since I'm goin to hell anyway......" wonder what they would do " :-)

That is the kind of talk I need to use when the Mormon boys show up at my door.

Thank you CAP. You have indeed helped me today!

Perhaps you should call this a PSA.

LOL, Thank You!

I don't answer the door unless it is a dude with a package. Otherwise I stay clear and let the dogs bark at them. I do answer the door if it is girlscouts selling cookies or boyscouts selling chocoloate bars.

The worst are those young people that come to the door and they say I am with a group of people saving money to go to (insert some destination) so please will you sign up for some magazines on this list.

Dude, Why would I help you go on vacation. I need one myself more than I need your stupid magazines.

Why DO you have potholes in the Valley? I spent about 3 weeks down in Sherman Oaks last month. When I took that Coldwater Canyon road over into Beverly Hills, I could not BELIEVE the potholes. We don't have them like that here in the Bay Area!

Love your blog, btw!

So, how do your cats feel about strangers? Because when people knock on the door at my place, it's like a virtual dog stampede.

I hate strangers on my doorstep, especially in the morning, I think I wouldn't be so nice to them...
I've been reading your blog for some time and I love it! Carry one! Happy Knitting! ^^
Joanna from Poland (beginner in knitting and one cat owner)

You're killing me with the Baby Jane references. I still shrink in horror when I see that movie in the video store because Bette Davis looks so creeeeeeeeppppy!

Here in Atlanta we have the "Pothole Posse". You may think I'm kidding but oh no friends, I am not. Mayor Franklin came up with this when she was first elected. If you call them up and report a pothole, the posse is there to fix it soon!

I don't have any great additions to getting rid of the door to door people, but telemarketers are another story. My ex-husband used to tell them he was just visiting and didn't live there which got rid of them fast. Another girl I know got sick of one place calling her and said "why don't you give me your number, I'll talk to my husband about (whatever they were selling) and get back to you." She then called them every 5 minutes and told them she would continue to do so until they removed her name from their list. Worked like a charm.

I've had a couple encounters with this particular species. I don't drink often, let alone have a hang-over. But, they seem to pop up on my doorstep (at 9am) when I am terribly hung-over. The best time was after the all-nighter we pulled and there were a couple people still passed out on the floor, straight shot from the front door.

Hey - I live in Oklahoma and we call it a "50 yard paint job" (like a paint job on a car). You know, it looks good from a distance, but get up close . . .

I'm a knitter too and read your blog. Cause y'all know when the humidity hits 97% in July, I need lots of sweaters and stuff.

Didn't you know that "Insane" is the only way to answer the door before 8am? Well, it is in this house, but maybe that's just me.

PS Updated my blog whilst manic, maybe not the smartest thing to do.

the only JW I want knocking on my door is Prince. Other than that, they aew welcome to keep their opinions to themselves. You handled that brilliantly!

OMG, thanks for making my day! So funny, you guys!

No Friday CAP fix? *pout*

Feeling...weak...withdrawal....need my CAP fix...

In Boston if you had damage or injury due to a pothole within the city limits you can actually file a claim for damages www.cityofboston.gov (They'll pay you for a tire or boo-boo but it won't necessarily get the pothole fixed...)

Oh I hope Roy is okay!

Laurie,

you are a master storyteller and you make me laugh louder than anyone I know. Thank you.

Okay, my turn...

Due to my firm fundamentalist upbringing, I know the secret weapon. "I revile you..."

I tell the visiting witnessing Christian, "Look, let's make this short - I revile you. There - you go straight to heaven, I get left alone!"

Blessed are those who are reviled in the name of the Lord!

AND

When the local newspaper called me one too many times I told them I'd like to take their paper, but I was blind. Nice, I know, but it stopped them. That was 15 years ago and I know that someday when I'm 88 with macular degeneration it will be because I said that to a perfect stranger (and maybe also because I wrote about it in a commenton someone's blog...)

You guys are all so funny - Laurie brings out the wit in all of us!

oh, and,

"if only I weren't in this chair!"

"but y'ar Blanch, y'ar!"

Best. Story. EVER!!!

Throwing a "curse" on them makes them leave pretty fast too. *L*

I can't wait to see how scarf turns out. :D

I heart you. And I'm sure Jesus hearts you too.

But neither of us would come knocking that early to let you know.

The Mormons once freaked me out by waving a picture of Jesus at me when I rejected them, which my Dad called "psychoterror". :) Go, Dad! Now I tell the Mormons I'm a Jehova Witness, and the vice versa, cause they are like, anti-religions.
Sorry you needed 3 beers and a Tylenol PM, girl, but don't worry too much about the taxes. The IRS takes credit cards. Then just go adjust your W-4 with your company's accountant, and next year, you'll get back a huge pile o'money!

Oh this was just the kind of post I needed tonite! Too funny! My ex-husband once told "bible thumpers" that he was an alien. They said "oh people from other countries are welcome too". Then he said, "Not that kind of alien!" They looked shocked and left in about the same fashion as you mentioned your bt's did! Too funny.

"I found Jesus: He was behind the couch the whole time!"

CAP, have you ever considered starting a CAP chatroom? Because I have a feeling a lot of people would join.

Helena Bonham Carter has that ugly/pretty thing going on, too...any movie she's dressed period costume = drop dead gorgeous...this year's Oscars = freakish.
And SJP just makes me pissed...the chick looks like a horse! Why does she get to be a movie star?!

What kind of flowers on the dress?

There is a good reason why I keep coming back to read your stuff.

Hahah, thanks.

We get those religious door-knockers here in Oz too. I sent one couple nearly flying down our front steps when I opened the door to them and (realising who they were) said brightly "Oh - are you here for my seance? Do come in, we are just about ready to start!"

Ha, that was as good as the time they stopped by at my parent's house. My father's hobby was bible study. The callers, whoever they were, did not know what hit them. My father, unlike you, was already dressed and hated to lose an arguement, so their retreat did not suffice as he followed them out the door, to the sidewalk, down the street, and only stopped when they reached their car and drove away. Thanks for bringing back one of my favoite memories. My father passed 4 years ago so it is good to remember him.

Do like my hubby does - answer the door in your underwear. Scares all of 'em off right away. At least it used to when we didn't live in rural nowheresville. Now he just does it to the water softener and lawn care people who want to stir up business. In his defense, he works nights and typically they wake him from his sleep. He just answers the door in what he wears to bed and has the just woken up expression of "who the he$$ do you think you are, waking me at 1 pm?". If that doesn't work, we tell them we've been saved - dad's a presbyterian minister...

*still giggling* Enjoyed this post! It made me think of the presumptuous thumpers who insisted on sharing the Good Word with me one day. They started by knocking on my apartment door and asking me to answer questions in a phony survey that quickly segued into queries about my salvation and whether I had a church home. (No, dude -- it's an apartment ... didn't you see the sign when you drove in?)

Being the polite, helpful Southern girl that I am, I answered their questions and even offered to keep talking to them if they would walk to the apartment pool with me and my children (we were on the way out the door when God's Anointed knocked). They scurried along with us. They shared the good news. Relentlessly. For a couple of hours. (Really.) I started to resent the fact that they felt the need to save an already saved soul. I tried to explain that I believe in God, just not everything that people say about him, including the Biblical writers. Eventually, under questioning, I shared my views on the doubtful veracity of large swaths of the Bible. They said the Bible is true because the Bible said it is true. I asked if I wrote down that I was a purple people eater, would writing it down make it so? Eventually they concluded that they needed to take my hands and pray for me. I let them, since I welcome good wishes. And then when they were finished, I smilingly insisted that they sit and hold my hands and let ME pray for them. I prayed for wisdom and good judgment to bless them, for them to prayerfully examine their motivations in witnessing to the saved, for greater honesty the future as they attempted to gain access to the homes of sinners, for their clarity and humility in seeing themselves among that class, and for other attributes that I thought they needed. I held on tight and didn't stop for any sputtered interruptions. I wasn't mad. Just making a point.

They left shortly after, looking over their shoulders at me, uncertainly. It was well worth all the mosquito bites, sitting out by the pool for so long.

Hey there--just stumbled onto your blog...very good stuff. I live on the east coast (Annapolis, Maryland to be exact) but did live in LA briefly back in college (long story). Very witty, your blog....I will keep yours bookmarked. I, too, have had those folks show up at my door and what I typically do is pull out the stops on what I like to call my "Stressedoutmomwifeworkerneighbor" You know--a total stream of conscience moment...anyway Happy Easter to you. (and your cats)

hehehe. Have you ever noticed that not only the JW's go around in pairs, dressed in white shirts and ties, but the cheap-knockoff-perfume-sellers (oh, my bad. I meant "designer imposter fragrances") ALSO travel in pairs, dressed in white shirts and ties? Sounds like a cult all the time. My best friend in middle school was part of a JW family, so I spent a lot of time over there. Weird. But, even at the age of 12 I had the sense to tell them basically that you don't need to try to save the saved.

Fav quote:
Dionne: Hello?? That was a stop sign??
Cher: I totally paused.

hehehe. Have you ever noticed that not only the JW's go around in pairs, dressed in white shirts and ties, but the cheap-knockoff-perfume-sellers (oh, my bad. I meant "designer imposter fragrances") ALSO travel in pairs, dressed in white shirts and ties? Sounds like a cult all the time. My best friend in middle school was part of a JW family, so I spent a lot of time over there. Weird. But, even at the age of 12 I had the sense to tell them basically that you don't need to try to save the saved.

Fav quote:
Dionne: Hello?? That was a stop sign.
Cher: I totally paused.

Your scarf must have turned out attractive because I think that Anjelica Houston is a
fascinating beauty............

Maybe you should have some of those Chocolate Easter Crosses on hand for your door to door friends that come to visit you on SAT AM early.... I have always found it fun to say that I am already enlightened..... I look forward to reading more of your interesting posts!

Thanks for the laugh Laurie, and everybody!
Just for the record, telling 'em they have to the count of three to get off your property before you call the cops works well enough, if you say it like you mean it. Yeah, no laughing til after they leave.

Your site is a hoot. This particular string is really the funny part. I think it's hilarious each time someone puts in their 'witty' and 'daring' response to a door-knocker, they always have to say, "and they ran away; they never came back; i never saw them around here again!, etc etc" like as if in their little minds they 'won' something. It's laughable. Those people see more human nature in one week than most only imagine: the cowardly couch-hider, the trashmouthed adult who acts more like a popularity-seeking teenager trying to get attention, all the people who say they are religious but who have no qualms saying absolute untruths to 'get rid of' the visitors. Most people who do that kind of thing are truly sincere, and i know that jw's dont even start going out in the AM until after 9:30 or 10 am. It's bet it's actually pretty hilarious seeing how many people are quite un-christian when they have an opportunity to show actual christian love to one of their neighbors, someone who is not doing anything of harm with the exception of waking up a small percentage of heavy drinkers or night workers. I think they're all having a pretty good-natured laugh around the fireplace at night recounting all the nervous neighbors' responses! Why not have a little more class and actually treat them with respect? They seem to have more a little more backbone and morality than a lot of the - might i say hilarious - responders here, no offense. Where i work there are catholics, baptists, methodist, lutheran, jw, episcopalian... everybody's pretty open about their faith, and nobody's quite so childish as to believe that the other is part of a cult.

I superdig your site, and you know you are gaining popularity by the minute... i got it as part of the personal finance blogs... how? i'll never know! :) I adore your 'accent', you're an excellent writer! Say, when are you going to get any new additions to the feline friends? And will you ever be knitting something fun for them, say, a kitty tux or something akin?

Keep up the hilarious site! We love it!