Hahaha! You totally don't want Francisco to quit you- so you're right to hold off on the watermelons. For now...

exactly why do we allow this butcher on our property? sounds like he needs to find another outlet for his issues and leave your poor yard alone!

You're really undestanding the man's mind...
And Francisco I think is really cute...she really care about you and your pale skin.
No le gustara verte toda roja y fea este verano
besos,

Ah, a much better way of getting your point across. Me, I might have given him the idea that I would consider *other* uses for his hedge clippers, ones he wouldn't like. But then, I'm just a wee bit (okay a whole lot) paranoid about skin cancer and tend to get a bit worked up about things that protect me from such.

Liza {who falls into the "you need sunglasses to protect you from the white glare" skin category}

k8 -- his services come along with the house I'm renting. It's so weird out here in LA how no one does their own yard, but then again it's awesome to have Francisco. I like that he has an artistic vision for things, I myself can appreciate a little eccentricity. But you know. We just don't share the same vision LOL.

Purlina, you are so wise. The gardner might have run screaming, what with their fragile male brains/egos etc.

But speaking of Things Not Found In Nature, like your square watermelons, there is something you might want to know about. Peeps. A PEEPS pie. Yep, those scary little not right marshmallow things, melted together to make a pie. The recipe is on the NPR website if you want to check
it out.
www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5337456

:) At least Francisco is willing to consult with you. Last place that I had that came with a gardener, he would just come over, do his business, and leave an invoice in the mailbox. It took me two years to get him to say "Hi". I love LA.

So, is there a ParisScarf update in the near future?

SO, that is how one should deal with the frail ego. DOH! I never knew. It sounds like Fransisco is getting the idea of what you need, which I am glad! Congrats!

I was so close to being the first commenter!!!

Apparently not, though.

No matter. I will take your fragile male ego comments to heart, and I will also say that a Boy Whose Family Easter I Was Attending said, to my face, "Wow, that skirt really accentuates your legs!" And as I was beginning to smile, he continued with, "Especially the color!"

And he put on his sunglasses.

Hijole! No te quiero ver al carbon!

HAHAHAHA.

The worst part is, it really should have occured to me that other girls use the EXACT SAME TRICK as I do.

Hmm, poor mostly-dead oak tree would make lovely firewood for us next year. . . but I digress.

I want a Francisco of my own, but alas, cannot bring myself to pay a gardener when I have a basic working knowledge of how to weed, plant flowers, etc. & fortunately DH seems to enjoy lawn-mowing (is that a universal male trait, like barbecueing?). Paying a gardener would eat into my yarn/shoe/etc. budget too much!

Helen

great essay - very funny.

I think it's so hilarious that a gardener comes with your house! I used to have a neighbor who would mow my front yard at the same time he mowed his - that's the closest I've ever had to a gardener (and I've got a hedge that could definitely use some trimming!).

lol
I LOVE your writting.
Yes its too soon for counseling.

I force myself to prune trees, shrubs, and bushes around my house every fall. I hate it. It hurts me in so many ways. Evey time I prune I just know that I'm going to kill them all. Then spring comes and they are all twice a tall, twice as wide, twice as thick, and give me twice as much shade & sun protection. It's like magic! 'Nando might just know what he's doing.

Hmm...my curiosity is surrounding what the mini-tree shrubs look like in your front yard... Maybe Francisco missed his calling and really wanted to be a bonzai artist... (if so...he might support the square watermelon idea!)

I love the way you throw in the spanish. It makes your sentences muy creative :). That's not sarcasm, promise, I was laughing rather hard at the 'muy fea'.

Looking forward to your watermelon patch!
(I also love to see pictures of other people's surroundings! ^^)

you're so sly.

now if only i could employ this sort of tactic on my Boy-i will begin practicing immediately.

couples counseling....I'm trying to imagine Laurie and Francisco in couples counseling...HeeHee

I am still reeling from the thought of Monkey-grrl's gardiner coming and doing HIS BUSINESS in her yard.... it's bad enough to clean up after a dog--let alone a gardiner!!!!
My dad always did that to the trees in their yard and my mom would carry on about it....they were married 58 years... go figure.

I'm thinkin' what Tami's thinkin': if Francisco is into topiaries, then your square watermelons are as good as grown, Purl! I hear ya on the shade. Summer's rough on us pale girls, when freckles are the best-case scenario. Keep rockin' the Spanish!

My mom and her gardener reached understanding when he realized that most of the year she lives in Mexico.

Wow, you sure know how to manipulate a man to get what you want!

Oddly enough, they trim my trees to bare NOTHING but just in time to need shade, the tree has grown back. They say they have to do that to "these" types of trees, otherwise, they will die, if you don't prune them naked.

[BEGIN RANT HERE]: What is it about men, gardeners or not, wanting to butcher every tree or shrub they can get their hands on? Just because you own pruners doesn't mean you must prune everything to within an inch of it's life! (Or to death, in the case of your oak tree). It wrenches my gut to see how people (let's face it - men) prune their forsythias and azaleas into squares, balls, or lollypops, when they're not meant to be shaped that way. Not every shrub is boxwood, people!!! [END OF RANT]

I admire your wisdom in relying on your femininely wiles to keep Francisco's pruners at bay, for today. But for how long? Just keep the beer handy....

Tree butchering is definitely a guy thing. My brother in law is most lethal with the chainsaw. He loves to massacre the trees in the Spring, right before the birds nest and leaving the house vulnerable to roasting in the Summer. This is reason 432 why my my sister wants to kill him.

I would like to add that he mutilated my mother's apricot trees several years ago, and made her cry. That's something that I have maybe seen a handful of times in my life. I say, keep the square watermelon plans a secret for awhile and make sure that you have lots of cerveza on hand for those hot valley summers.

Purl you are too funny and cute! I wish I had a yard with a gardener just so I could drink beer with him.

When we rented our little beach house in Venice we never got a gardener. But maybe that’s because the “yard” was a cement patio with a few square feet of dirt patch, and our landlord was so absent that I never met him till 2 weeks before we moved out. We tried to put in some grass on one side to see if it would work out, and it sort of did but it never grew in full and lush like grass should, just kind of a few tufts here and there. Probably the dogs’ fault.

My gardener & I are in the 'War of the Roses' stage. We are both trying to figure out how to kill the other one & get away with it.

You feel up to giving us a Roy update?

I don't think I can do a roy update. Too much to process, none of it particularly good. But thanks for asking about him :)

I was in LA for the first time two weeks ago, and was struck by the tortured shrubbery everywhere. It was like how I imagined shrubs might look on another planet. They made no sense to my East Coast self. I don't know what was funnier -- the weird little bushes that were cut like show poodles or those really tall, thin, squared shrubs. My husband, who grew up in LA, said it's an outgrowth of everyone having a gardener, and thus too many gardening hands to keep busy.

I sympathize. A few weeks ago my cleaning lady tried to throw out a large garbage bag of fleece. Now, I will readily grant you that unprocessed sheep fleece could easily be mistaken for trash (given that your typical sheep is not a heavy user of Irish Spring), but we just do not throw out perfectly good wool. I did rescue it and manage to get the pistachio shells out of it, however.

Laurie,

We're all sending you happy Roy get better vibes. Our cats are our family! (Even though I am currently catless, I've experienced the cat love in the past.)

after reading this post and a few comments, i'm starting to wonder:

do we think men have some sort of preoccupation with pruning things down to stubs so that they look more...you know?

just a thought. silly men.

Is that what they're doing k? Hmm...I wonder what kind of car the gardener drives...if he's pruning things to overcompensate, a giant truck would clinch it...

You crack me up.

Wow, that's impressive. I've never been that good with the sweet-talkin'. You are truly a force to be reckoned with!

Did Francisco lop off more than one-third of the big backyard oak tree when he pruned it a few months back? If he chopped it by more than one-third in one session, it's too much of a shock to the poor tree's system. So, yeah, he probably did kill it.

My condolences.

Maybe you need to teach Francisco to knit -distract him from the pruning.

What is referred to as a gardener is a "mow, blow, and go" guy.....no training...just cheap labor without a clue re gardening....put in your own watermelons...it will impress him & the type of watermelon, if you share one with him will give you bonus points......but if he's part of the rent....you are kinda screwed......

YOu and Francisco may in fact have the perfect water melons. I sometimes feel like my whole life is like trying to grow square watermelons; trying so hard to accomplish things that are really too hard to do. I am trying now to just grow oval watermelons because they are hard enough and life is bloody tiring!
Very funny story!
Mia

WAIT until you get your organic dirt....then cut him loose.
Its tough love you know.
FUNNY FUNNY post.

Chica -tu es muy, muy bonita y "insert cute here"y felizidad, no es fea> Not in a million, billion years baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't you love California. My gardener is named Sanchez and he loves the land. He takes such great care of it. Sunday he planted flowers for me in the rain.

LOL.

BTW - were those square melons for real? I posted them on my blog, and no one would believe me ....

Yeah, I can somewhat relate.
I almost sought counseling with my garbage collector two years ago.
When my Ex and I separated, the garbage man didn't waste any time at all and started hitting on me every chance he got.
After I declined the 18th time...although my bill was always paid in advance...the bastard quit taking my garbage.
Took four separate phone calls to the company to convince them that my garbage was indeed piling up.
Gardners and Garbage Men...can't live with them, can't live without them.

*GRIN* You are too funny. I can't wait to read how he takes the news of the square watermelons.

Oddly I have a desire to try this myself. I haven't told my honey yet as I'm sure his head will pop off and confetti will fly everywhere.

I just don't have the time to clean up that much confetti right now.

Good luck with your tree, hedges and Francisco. It would be a shame to have to pay for couples counseling when there is so much lovely yarn in the world just waiting to be purchased. ;)

CAP nods to Minnesota in her Million Dollar Cat fund! Yay Yarnzilla! I once dated a boy from Minnetonka...good times...

If you and Francisco can share a beer after, and he just goes home, then no worries--it's the having to LIVE with someone who disagrees with you that is the problem. That is the icky part of marriage...

My gardener and I are fighting over mulch and pine straw. I am firmly in the mulch camp, while he believes pine straw is better because it doesn't stain the walkway red. But the walkway is red brick! He fails to see the logic!

I love Francisco. Did you really hug him? I love that.

So, I just wanted to ask--you already know how to grow the watermelons square-shaped, right? If you don't, please email me and I'll tell you how it's done. Just don't ask the gardener!

Hahahahah, you definitely appealed to his male senses, he definitely doesn't want you to look fea y roja, heheheh.

I've been to the Bakersfield area and it's the same there -- hardly anyone owns a rake or, god forbid, a lawn mower, yet they all have perfectly manicured outdoor spaces. In upstate NY you mow your own yard, trim your own hedges and you better do it before the neighbors get upset and call the town to complain about you. A 'Fernando' would be a beautiful thing -- as long as he keeps those pruners under control!

Ah, this reminds me of when my husband "pruned" the beautiful redbud tree I had planted in our front yard, removing a main branch so that the tree slowly pulled itself into two pieces and died, then denied its death had anything to do with his maiming, I mean pruning.

I've really been enjoying your blog. You rock.

Oops -- one more tree story. My father once went insane and chopped down a beautiful lilac in our yard. It was the only beautiful thing in our yard. My mother and I cried.

I'm picturing Adam in Eden rubbing his hands together and planning how to convert paradise to the largest all-grass lawn in history.

im still getting over the fact that you have a gardner and you dont

A)own a mansion

B)are disabled (physically)

C)hate yard work.

sorry, the midwestner is just a lil confused.

Holly, I know!! I mean, I am from a part of the country that reveres its lawnmowing ability. But out here, nobody does their own yard, I kid you not. It's a thing. And the house I rent actually has gardening service included in the price!

But since I'm from such a part of the country where this is unheard of, I alternately feel guilty and priviledged by the gardener thing. Crazy, I tell you.