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April 4, 2006

April 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

It's rainy in Los Angeles and I am a sniffly, sneezy, whiny and also possibly lazy faux-astrologer. However, in my defense I did watch seven Tivo'd episodes of Clean House and I feel I am channeling Necie Nash herself when I say April is the month to dust off, wake up to the messes, and finally cut the foolishness. (Or start the foolishness, depending on your perspecive.)

Mercury has un-retrograded (like the fancy lingo?) and Saturn is coming out of the closet and representing loud and clear for the big-bottom planets. Speaking of big, round planets... Jupiter is here, too and ya'll, I mean really. April better be nicer to the Cancerians than March was, because we are very and well tired. That goes for the Sags and Cappies, too. Buck up little planets!

[heh heh I just re-read this and it made NO SENSE. I think in the next staff meeting I will start peppering my powerpoint presentations with completely senseless astrological lingo. As in: The kiosks have shown a ten percent growth in usage, largely due to the un-retrograde of new content!]

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
A couple of years ago a friend and I worked at a company where we were both miserably unhappy. We had no idea what the buckwild crazy management could possibly want from their shackled and browbeaten employees. The requirements seemed to change from day to day, minute to minute. Eventually we entertained ourselves with devising a resume for the perfect employee at Insanity, Inc. Skills included "Will bend over backwards ... and forwards....." "Proficient in ass-kissing, ego manipulation and general sucking-up" and "Able to blurt 50 flattering words a minute!" "Can multitask: ability to both move and bury bodies." This month you have that little red Mars in your work house, and your days will be busier than they have been in months. The good news, though, is that you will not at any time be required to bury a dead body. Kissing up, however, is totally optional.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Did you know that psychologists say it takes three weeks to break a bad habit? What happens on week four, though? Do you suppose the bad habit comes back from its vacation double recharged and rarin' to go? It's a conundrum. Much like your month ahead: pressure feels most intense around financial issues, but at the same time your outlook is better and more secure than it has been in ages. Now is a good time to review some of your less-than-stellar habits and try to spend the next 21 days freeing yourself of just one. I'll be interested to see how week four goes -- you have both Venus and Jupiter on your side, rare and very good for you. Let me know in May how it all works out.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Would you like a karmic massage? Something to soothe the pain of the past few weeks and make all your tension and worries disappear? I'd like to offer you some wish fulfillment, with easy monthly payments of just $19.95! And, free with purchase, you'll get a valuable gadget capable of sweeping the knots out of your life, and out of your head -- but hurry, act now, this special offer is available for a limited time only! Which is -- of course -- the problem with quick fixes ... they look like a bargain but end up being just another piece of limited-time junk you wasted money on that now sits mocking you and collecting dust, like those Tae-Bo tapes and that tube of eye cream you can't throw away. Instead of a quick fix, heed your impulse to get physical and go for a run, a walk or anything sweat-inducing. Money back guarantee included.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
The only remaining volcano in Tanzania erupted over the weekend, spewing hot air and stinging debris at unexpected intervals. It rumbled to life and forced about 3,000 people to flee, with everyone bracing for disaster and fallout. If any of this behavior sounds familiar, it may be because your own inner geological spring is bubbling to the surface, bringing with it the locked-up emotional rumbling of the past six-months or so. Ya'll just need to blow off some steam. I say go for the big rumble and shake, and enjoy a hearty and well-deserved re-awakening.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Isn't it funny how when you first meet someone and you really, really want them to like you, you're on your best behavior? You're so sweet and nice and such a great listener. Fast forward a year, to when they love you, and watch as you take them for granted and make them feel like an old shoe. Isn't that how you've felt at work lately, the old shoe? In April you get this whole cosmic conflagration of events that will make your work situation improve dramatically, even the crankiest of the cranky will be sufferable for most of the month. Your workmates will break out the polish and shine this month, and maybe you can forgive the most horrible one for being such a heel.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
I have been working on your chart for weeks now. It was unclear to me why I was unable to see a single discernable truth, then I realized: You are me. We are the same, and my utter lack of introspection and self-evaluation is keeping your reading masked from me. And the truth is that while we seem to be caught in some deep psychic fog, we're making progress. Financially, it feels like there's a weight on us we'll never break through. At the same time, we're already making plans for how to get the money situation under control. (Not like the gloomy days of years past when we just hid from these issues, you know?) I say ya'll, we should make a pact to ignore our demons and fears for the month of April and wander blissfully through this month together (well, blissfully as we can, I mean come on -- we're Cancers). Maybe all our old fears will get bored in the waiting room of April and go haunt someone else, like the Libras for a change.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I have a very good rule of thumb when it comes to making choices. Flip a coin. Inevitably, one of the choices will make you sigh and wish (even if just a little bit) that the coin had landed differently .... and so your true feelings are right there for you to see. The choice you're going to make in the coming weeks will not be made lightly -- and your coin will appear mean and ugly on both sides. But avoiding the situation won't make it go away. Flip, flip, flip away -- until the answer becomes clear. Your chart says you do have the answer, and you just need some time to get it out. By month's end you'll be closer to resolving your stuff, and with all those coins you've been flipping you should treat yourself to giant dinner (I'm partial to steak and shrimp) to celebrate your very wise decision.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I wish I could make the world function exactly to my specifications. In my ideal world, no one would smell bad, wear too much perfume, talk in elevators, or chew with open mouths. In my Perfect Land, you'd be popular and gregarious and never feel like a pushover or get cold feet at parties. Now, I wave my magic wand, and poof! You are perfect in my eyes. Dear Virgo, all this change lately has made you even less sure-footed than ever, and you're doubting your perfection and your future. Well, until my magic wand can make it out ya'lls way, you'll have to speak up for yourself and resist the urge to stay home and worry. The bad news: the full moon mid-month will bring a little more change your way, either financially or in some kind of working relationship. The good news: the full moon mid-month will bring a little more change your way, either financially or in some kind of working relationship.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Your month is going to really suck. I mean, ya'll, seriously. Just go home right now and start eating the ice cream. Do they make wine ice cream? Oh Libra... ya'll! I'm just kidding! Truth is, this was a learning experience. See? Any old Joe can give you some wrong advice. You might want to re-consider who you're taking prophecies from these days. After all, the last psychic I visited told me I'd be doing charity work involving water... which, had I followed her advice, would put me wading upstream while begging for money for other people. Not a pretty vision, eh? This is a good time to be careful whose advice you heed. You don't want to end up the proverbial creek because of someone's off-the-cuff armchair mentoring this month, no matter how well-intentioned it may be.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Would you be terribly surprised if a total stranger became your closest friend this month? Would you be shocked to discover wisdom in small packages? Would you be willing to believe your fortune cookie? Would you be taken aback to see your reflection in your beloved's eyes? Would you be dismayed if your astrological forecast were nothing but a list of questions? Would you be caught off guard to discover that you had the answers all along?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You are the sexiest sign of the month. I hereby declare you positively seductive. You ooze and exude a self-confidence that is simply irresistible. Believe that you are a nice girl in a bad girl body and picture yourself driving your own clothes wild with abandon. Now, recite seven times, "I am a temple of purity and goodness." Oh yeah. Ya'll can tell I grew up in the buckle of the Bible Belt, full of crazy wanting and the constant threat of sin. But it taught me one true thing: it feels really good to rebel sometimes. It can be so good to be so bad! Rebel against the old you this month, and relish your contradictions.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
The Cast: You and your closest friends, a relative and one love interest. The Location: Your town. The Plot: You try to solve everyone's problems as a way to avoid your own issues while secretly smoldering for love and attention and alternately getting mad at how little attention you yourself are getting. The Surprise Ending: Does our heroine have the guts to make the first move? Or does she get stage fright and watch from the wings while everyone else gets to take a bow? I'm spellbound with a big tub of popcorn, waiting for the grand finale. A preview: It's a pretty darn good ending to the month, especially when Venus and Jupiter hook up and push you right to center stage, into the spotlight. Bravo!

Posted by laurie at April 4, 2006 12:21 PM