i'll settle in right next to you with my glass, ahem, bottle of cabernet. i don't personally know your circumstances exactly but i completely feel your pain right now.

Is it too late to send the voodoo doll kit?

Voodoo doll kit for him and and an extra one for Shannon? What friend e-mails you with info that's going to upset? Did you need that? NO!

I've been lurking around your blog for a while now and I know you've heard this before, but here goes again. You are a complete, great, creative, vibrant person. Without him!

Once a cheater, always a cheater...He will probably end up doing the same thing to her too. Ha! You are so much better without him!

He didn't forget you/get over you/make the switch as easily as it seems. He is just ignoring everything he feels inside. He's all about surface, comfortable & easy. One day, the ticking time bomb will go off, and he'll be in a very bad way. Count on it.

I wish I thought he cared that he hurt you, but I don't think vampires who suck the life's blood out of their victims really have a soul or a conscience!! He led you on from the beginning---lying about his age was just one of the LITTLE lies!! I'm sorry you had to fall for one of those bloodless creatures and although it hurt you so much you had to tell yourself to breathe, you have lived on and lived your TRUTH out loud for all the world to see. I for one, would like to say ,"HE WAS NEVER EVEN WORTH YOUR TIME OF DAY, BECAUSE YOU ARE MUCH TOO PURE AND HONEST FOR A BLOODLESS TOAD." Even if it hurts you now that he's moved in with her, believe me, you're going to be so over this in a New Yark minute; and when she leaves him for someone younger and "more creative", he can just stew in his own juices!!

Mr X is an arsehole and just from reading your blog I know you deserve someone so much better and honest than him. I am currently visualising his head exploding in a ball of flames on your behalf. And his genitalia.

You, my dear, have become the knitting goddess and have hundreds of friends and admirers through your blog which you started after the parasite let go of you. And you are going to have a fabulous time in PARIS with a great friend while the lying toad rots in his new home in the U.S.A.

You're fab, and brilliant, and brave. And you *feel* which is vitally important. And which makes all the difference.

~x~

Laurie, it doesn't bother him because he's not interested in becoming a better person. He is happy to live selfishly contented and to take from every person who crosses his path. Even in small ways. He is not the kind of person who gives something back to the world. He only takes, he's the black sucking void of the universe. He is taking your sleep, and he is taking your selfworth. But his actions have also taken the delusions you had. Your thoughts that your marriage was picture perfect, and that every night you snuggled up to someone who loved you. That sort of dishonesty will hurt for a very long time, but you will come out a better person for it, while he will not. I hope that it will be as AmyS says and someday he'll breakdown from all the emotional crap he's just ignoring... but I've seen it too many times that if he's CLOSE to a breakdown, he won't even have the honesty to admit that anything is wrong and will therefore go on blithely living his shallow life. But we, dear Laurie, WE can live deeply! Something he will never do. We can feel the pain of loss and the true sweet joy of everyday triumphs. And feel whole and complete. (just as a side note, I have a feeling he went so quickly to another woman because his vision of himself includes a pretty woman to order around who will bring him the Sunday paper and his slippers, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised that he moved on so quickly. It has NOTHING to do with you. It is NOT a personal insult. He will not even compare you because to him, he's just replaced an older model for a new one, like I-pods. He sees you as replacable hardware in his perfect life. You aren't hardware, so don't ever think it!)

Good luck with the grief Laurie, but make sure it ends at some point. So that you can be whole and complete and stop letting his actions control your emotions. I know this is crazy advice from a perfect stranger, but know that it comes from my heart. *hug*

Yes, it will get easier, you will be able to say "what was I thinking". Remember, you have all of us and the cats (and the cabernet) and the knitting to keep you going. Think of us like those little fences they put around tiny trees to help protect them while they grow.

geez purlie! i sit alone here at night in Pasadena, tethered to my apartment, my daughter asleep at 8 o'clock on the dot, her father having another baby with his girlfriend in their new house with her 2 kids (insta-family)... all my family is far away and i don't have a single friend out here in art school (CREATIVITY CENTRAL) as honest as you are. your writing makes me feel connected to this place, makes me hope that not all people in LA are shallow hipsters and, in the morning, makes me want to leave my little cave of isolation.

Re: Number 11 – Anger. Next time that one hits, break out Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know" from "Jagged Little Pill."

Also, there's a book out there somewhere titled "If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?" I have NO idea what the book is about, but the title is just something I love thinking about. Sometimes.

He cheated with her, he'll cheat on her....Jane

(((((laurie)))))

Two little thoughts, Laurie. The first one is from Heartburn (the book -- never saw the movie, can't stand Jack Nicholson), and I'm quoting from memory here: it had nothing to do with how much you cooked for him or how much you nagged or anything you did or didn't do. It had nothing to do with you.

The second one is from me: it's so hard for you and so easy for him because you've been working and he's been goofing off. When reality came knocking at your door, you let her in (not that you really had much choice, I admit) and now you've been living with her all this time and you wouldn't kick her out if you could. That, I think, is why you're not ready: sharing a fantasy is magic and fun and fairy dust and easy as sin, but sharing reality bites sometimes. Your own reality is enough to deal with for a while.

And the reality is that you are strong, brave (yes. brave. brave means you're petrified but you keep going.), smart and immensely talented, and using those gifts every day just makes them bigger, like muscles.

I could say things like you are better off without him but I'd rather send you a hug. But I will say that you are a lovely person and deserve the best.

Sweet, you are So Much Better Than Fine! You are Wonderful, Strong, Creative, Beautiful, Sharing, Caring, Passionate, Independant, Thoughtful, Impressive, Adventurous, Adorable, Worthwhile, Loving, Imaginative, Talented, Truthful, Free. You are YOU. Those of us out here who love you can't imagine a better way for you to be. Big Hugs.

Your story is my story and here's what I've learned about husbands who move from one warm body to another...with seemingly no emotion attached to the loss of their marriage. Men compartmentalize. Their life is divided into neat and tidy boxes, protecting one box from another, not letting emotion get hold of them. It is psychotic and frustrating but real. The fact is, despite this, one day Box A will cross with B and a man who doesn't deal with his emotions will be screwed. You live out loud and have not fast tracked any part of the pain or healing, you are so much better for it.

Those before me have said it all well. My ex and I were high school sweethearts, went our separate ways after school but came back together almost 10 years later, got married, had a baby, got divorced. She's 9 now. You will continue to survive this. You will continue to grow and be authentic. My ex (like yours) lives in fantasy land. That's why he & wife #2 are already divorced and he can't stand on his own two feet.

Unforunately we don't usually get to see it ourselves, but trust me, what goes around comes around. He has sent some bad karma out there and it's guaranteed to come back and bite him in the ass!

Love Ya!!!!!

I wish there was something that I could say that would be this huge revalation that you ARE better than him and Do deserve better than him. However, I'm not good like that, so I'll say this...I truely hope that one day you will wake up and never think once about him and if you do it will be in the same way that we all think about those crappy ex-boyfriends that were the last thing we needed.

Laurie, I love you. I think I need to print out what you just wrote and stick it to my forehead. Thank you...

Laurie, I have been divorced for a year and a half. It DOES get easier. There are still some hard days, and I still get those moments when I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach, but overall, it is a lot easier.

Also, I don't think that the end of the grieving process comes when you are able to think, "What was I thinking?". I think it comes when you're able to think, "Well, at least I learned something.", and the anger and bitterness are gone.

I am still working on that.

No one can tell you how long *your* process will take, or where it will take you - the only thing any of us can say is you WILL get thru it, you will be stronger for it, and down the road, you will smile when you realize you survived.

You are doing all the right things, and your fears and feelings are normal and natural. By facing them instead of repressing them and pretending everything is peachy (*cough*Mr Ex**cough*) you are finding your own limits and boundaries and defining they way you want your life to be.

I know it doesn't always feel good, but if you stop and think about it, deep down it does always feel "right". And if you ever need to be reminded of all the good things you are, you have a whole army of friends standing by...

It will get better. It just takes time. I've been through this. My ex's behavior still rankles me. I still want him to lose all his hair (what little is left), hurt his back and have to walk stoop-shouldered the rest of his life, die alone and friendless and FULL OF REGRET for what he did. But yes...it doesn't hurt like it used to; it is no longer a bruise on my ego and my soul.

Part of the pain/anger you feel is HER betrayal. Shouldn't women stick together? Refuse to help some dirtball cheat on his wife? Think of the woman she is helping the d***weed hurt? She didn't though. But think of it this way...he didn't marry her--she wasn't good enough to marry. And yes, he will cheat on her someday and she'll feel like you do now. Except by then, you'll feel better.

When you feel bad, allow yourself that pity party. Plot all the bad things you want to happen to them. (My personal favorite: if I had just thought to replace their shampoo with Nair when I had the chance!) And then move on.

Someday he will BLAME YOU for his leaving. He will find some way to justify his heinousness and turn it back on you. And then you'll know...he regrets having left you.

The best revenge is living well Laurie....

Laurie, I have am reading the book "Why your life sucks" by Alan Cohen and am reading the section about how to get my power back from the people that I gave it away to. {Also, not give it away in the first place!}

I intend for you to health and happiness!

There will come a time when you just don't care. Really, there will. You wanted someone to tell you, and I can, with conviction.

There is a bottom line for me here....I would much rather know a good person, than some jerk who has no sense of committment or responsibility. You're a good person, Laurie and even more than that. You're creative, funny, smart and a kabillion other things that Mr X is not or will ever be. He can move on easily because he has a penis and that is the only reason. But he isn't real. He is not any kind of person I would ever want to call "friend". Your life is full and I believe you are enjoying the new life and the new you.

Sugar Sweetie Pie!

You just let me know what I can send y'all from Georgia or Alabama while I'm here and I'll put it right in the mail for y'all as soon as I find a post office. Y'all. I could also send you something from Carolina or Virginia?

Just tell me that Mr. X is NOT a Virgo - please!

AND jeeze do you have the Aquarian(s) in my life right on the money - Gerry just up and bought himself a sparkly blue electric guitar. I'm sending him Lark's songs, he will be in HEAVEN!

I miss you honey - and everyone I meet here knows and loves you! (They even put up a statue of you by that Mississippi sign...)

Sugar, He was poo on your shoe. Kick them off, put your feet up and keep on keepin' on. The bad days happen, the rough patches come and go. But everyday, you are you and you are true.. to yourself, the kitty posse and us.. a bunch of strangers who adore you down to your DNA.
LOVE! & *hugz*
Lucky

Sugar, He was poo on your shoe. Kick them off, put your feet up and keep on keepin' on. The bad days happen, the rough patches come and go. But everyday, you are you and you are true.. to yourself, the kitty posse and us.. a bunch of strangers who adore you down to your DNA.
LOVE! & *hugz*
Lucky

Laurie,
Sweetheart~Close your eyes, take a deep relaxing breath, wrap your arms around yourself, and give yourself a huge squeeze from all of us out here who love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!

Three words: Believe in karma. Trust me on this, it helps. "What goes around comes around." He'll get his someday. No, it is SO not fair that it hasn't hit him yet, but it will. And in the meantime, the universe will be busy making it up to you by sending you an even richer and more vibrant life. In the meantime, enjoy the cabernet. Enjoy Paris. Enjoy the smokes. And enjoy the journey.

Everyone else has said it well; you WILL get over it. And you will see him someday without hurting, even if he's with all those skanky Hooter chicks. Meanwhile, keep on living out loud and being real, because you are wonderful and there is someone out there who will know just how wonderful you are.

And ditto what Maureen said about the email...what kind of friend tells you that?

Laurie, I've been lurking for a while and I just have to comment today. He left. He was looking for something - his creativity, his girlfriend, whatever. He won't find whatever it is that he is looking for until he's honest with himself. Which seems to me to mean that he will spend the rest of his life looking and never really finding what he's looking for. You've found yourself. You've gotten to know yourself and have learned to stand on your own feet. It won't always be easy and sometimes it can be scary and lonely, but you will be able to look back and know that you did it - alone. And he never will. You hurt because you're honest with yourself. But because you're honest with yourself and giving yourself time to grieve and deal with everything, you will heal. It will get better - slowly and surely. And who knows what or who is in your future - by knowing yourself you'll be ready. You're stronger now than you were yesterday and you've got friends around you who care about what you're going through.

Laurie, take it from a girl who knows (and has watched her brothers, father, and various friends and ex-boyfriends do the exact same thing!) many men are incapable of functioning without some kind of woman in their life (mommy, girlfriend, wife) and his "moving on" to someone else, is NOT a reflection of you in any way, shape, or form.

The fact is, no matter what kind of BS Mr X. fed you, this new woman is a replacement only in that he is unable to fend for himself. When he tires of her he will throw her away too, and move on to the next woman in the blink of an eye. He cheated on you, he'll cheat on her and if I was his new girlfriend that thought would nag me at the wee hours of the morning!

Meeting a new man is going to be tough, dating will be hard, trusting will always be difficult - but your new relationships will be richer, and when that trust is finally won, you'll know that the new Mr. Crazy Aunt Purl was worth it.

After 3 divorces & a lot of frogs by the time I was 28, I found a wonderful kindred spirt of a man & we've been married 35 years. Hang in there & don't beat yourself up.

A random melange of thoughts...sounds to me like Mr. X suffers from some all-too-common basic immaturity. Odds are, he will never grow up, and he will spend the rest of his life fundamentally unhappy - constantly trying to obtain the things he believes will make his life better (the Hooter's staff, the convertible, whatever), but never actually achieving happiness. You, the other hand, are growing, and are learning what really makes for happiness; that is, being happy with one's self first before tackling another person (hee...there's a visual...Oops! Sorry!). And PLEASE get back on the non-smoking wagon! My father is still in the hospital today for having a stroke + aneurism last week - brought on by his lifetime habit. End of lecture. ;)

I don't comment often because you already get SOOO many comments, and I rarely have anything to add, even though I LOVE you and imagine you are my friend!

Here are my thoughts on this.

1. He sounds like a complete twat.
2. Even if he has set up shop with Ms. Boobs, he is likely mistreating and not appreciating her the same way he did to you.
3. And aren't you glad it's her that has to deal with him and not you and that you have a whole shot at a new life, while he seems to be settling into the same old thing, just with a different person? You have learned. He probably hasn't. That's the good thing about it being hard for you and easy for him. You're better. He's still a twat.
4. I had ugly relationships for years, but now I am married to my best friend, and he hugs me when I sautee zuchinni. Have faith. You'll get there.

Babe, as others have told you, it's hard for you because you have actual emotional depth and you're doing some very serious emotional heavy lifting right now. Because, you know, you're a real functional adult with a heart the size of Montana (or so I infer from what I've read).

Bell Hooks refers to people like your ex as emotional guerillas who get in close and then do unspeakable amounts of damage.

Him? Sure, he looks like he's Teflon-coated as he slides through life allowing everyone else to pick up after him. However, karma will get his sorry ass.

Well, I was going to try to post something about how beautifully your post ended. Because it did. But then I read all the comments. How beautiful is that??? :) Carry on. That's all we do. It's the biggest cliche in the world but "this too shall pass." I keep telling myself that. :)

I have to say it. I. Just. Have. To. Say. It.

WHAT. AN. ASSHOLE.

I hope he catches something a lot worse than herpes.

Of course he's moved right on and it's still hard for you - because you want something that's real and true and he just wants something that's easy.

I believe you WILL have a day when you truly don't care what he does or who he's with. I don't know how long it'll take...that's different for everyone. But the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference, and I know you'll get there.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Laurie,

I know how you feel. I am divorced for almost 3 years. He didn't leave me, I left the marriage and we were married for almost 25 years.

I was in an abusive marriage and I kept thinking that it would get better, if I only ..........
I was only fooling myself. I have learned that we were both at fault for the way our marriage turned out. I have excepted I couldn't be what he needed and he couldn't be what I needed. I learned that letting go of the hurt, pain, hate, and self doubt is the first step to healing. These things only hurt the person feeling them. They never bother the person who the feelings are directed at. So when you can't let go of them they are still controlling your life. In other words they are still winning.

I started dating and I have met a wide variety of men. And believe it or not the lessons I had learned in my marriage has made me a much better person and judge of what I want and don't want. I have finally met someone who I know I will spend the rest of my life with. I have never felt so loved and safe in my whole life. But the difference this time is I know who I am and what I need in my life. So look at your marriage as a learning tool, for the rest of your life. I know I can make it on my own, and that chosing someone to be part of it is my choice not finding someone to take care of me.

If you need a friend feel free to email me, I am long winded tho lol.

Good luck,
smile

Diane

Laurie, "his creataivity came with boobs"!!! That made me laugh myself off the sofa, onto the floor and down two flights of stairs! Consider it this way: when he looks in the mirror, what does he see? Nothing. It's empty. That's because he has no substance and doesn't even know who he is. He's just grasping at thin air. You, on the other hand, can look in the mirror and see everything as it is, even if there's a zit or something (who cares!), because you are a person of integrity. Love that woman looking back at you, whether or not she's scared, angry, smoking, or covered with cat hair. We all love her.

He is an abject failure as a person and a husband. You are not a failure in anyway at all. Do you actually think for a minute that Roy, Frankie, Bob and for heaven's sake, Sobakowa would tolerate any kind of "failure" in their lives? Cats do NOT tolerate less than perfection from their staff and you are unstoppable. I think you are marvelously talented and in no way responsible for your ex and his silly male transgressions.They are his "failures" alone!

First...I need to say that I stumbled across your blog yesterday (I'm also a new knitter) and was absolutely entranced by your writing, honest, true, funny (okay...hilarious at times). I think I've read at least half of your entries since yesterday!! Please know that if your spirit shines through to complete strangers, you MUST be simply amazing.

Second...I gotta agree with y on the Alanis. She rocks...I bust out her CDs anytime I'm in a funk...she somehow validates your anger and offers a safe, healthy way to vent. Sing along...it's okay that you don't feel like you sing well...sing anyway...LOUD.

Third...I'm sorry that anyone has to go through this kind of betrayal. He IS a cheater. The foundation of their relationship is lies...it will crumble but you will have come out a better person.

HTH, girl. (((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))

Purl, Hunny, if I didn't have The Cold From Hell and if I wasn't drowning with work, I would write a long missive that would (hopefully) be as eloquent and supportive as all the others. All I can say right now is please remember there are bundles of people who have come to really care about you, and we are all pulling for you. Yes, you are going through a tough time. That Kicked In The Stomach feeling is unfortunately all too universal. But try to hold on to the fact that you are getting stronger and better and more free of those awful ghosts and demons every day. Remember you are Way Cool, we all love you and Things Will Get Better. And yes, someday you won't care, or feel kicked in the stomach. As a grizzled veteran of these things, I can attest to that. Hang in there, kiddo.

Maybe, possibly, he could sense that he wasn't good enough for you. He could tell that you were better than him and he is such a coward that he could not grow with you and he had to leave, to find someone who would not make him grow. Who would be satisfied with the hum-drum, same 'ol same 'ol him and not expect anything more of him than what he is right now. Boy do I feel sorry for her.

Hang in there, honey. One day you will look back and see what a gift you have now: knowing who you are. When the exciting period of being with someone new settles down and disappears (and it will) he will see what a mistake he made. He's flying high now on the wings of testosterone.

He will call you to tell you that he made a mistake and that he misses you. The tables will be turned. I hope that you laugh a huge laugh at him and tell him to drop dead.

Karma sometimes takes longer than we'd like, but it always happens. You are an awesome woman with the strength to stand alone. He hasn't learned how to stand alone yet.

Tons of love, Liz

Maybe, possibly, he could sense that he wasn't good enough for you. He could tell that you were better than him and he is such a coward that he could not grow with you and he had to leave, to find someone who would not make him grow. Who would be satisfied with the hum-drum, same 'ol same 'ol him and not expect anything more of him than what he is right now. Boy do I feel sorry for her.

Laurie--it WILL get better,easier and you WILL find yourself wondering "what the hell were you thinking?"

I swear to you this will happen. One day, out of the blue, when you least expect it. It's hard to move on now, but everyday you get a little bit better at it.

I won't say it was him and not you because, well, I don't know that. But whoever you were when you were married to him--you aren't that girl anymore and that's what growing is all about.

As for the cheating husband, I had one, and I did the leaving even though I wasn't certain until 3 years after the divorce that he cheated. And once a cheater, always a cheater, that I'm certain of.

always remember, the man you loved, cared for, cared about.... didn't exist. He wasn't real because he lied to you (and himself) about who he really was/is.
This Is Not About You!

You are strong, funny, caring, loving, brillant, talented, and a very important person to a whole lot people you don't know.
Hang in there!

My cousin, left his wife and 2 young adolecent children for a Russian Coleminers daugher, he met in Japan at some american steak food resturant.

he came home and told his daughters, "I don't love your mommy anymore, and I'm going to get married to this women and you will have another mommy, won't that be great?".

We think he took drugs and went nuts. What else could explain a complete 360 in what we thought was his charachter.

I wish there was a pill that would fix everything, I haven't found it. I think back on my two big heartbreaks...I think back to my recovery.... long... years before I wanted to have that kind of relationship again (and the jerks who thought I wouldn't date them because I was 'frigid' or 'needed a big man to look after me'). I wonder where I would have been if I had stayed with them...definitely not where I am now, I wouldn't have had the adventures I subsequently had, I would not have been as successful (I assume this because with hindsight they always put their careers ahead of mine, and now my career has far surpassed theirs).

I enjoy your posts. You are a fun creative person, what isn't there to love? You're going to have so much fun in Paris...keep you eyes on the road ahead and don't look back.

You don't know me, but I read your blog every day. I think you are funny and cute and amazingly human.
I am proud of you for being able to *feel* as much as you do. It means you are a better person than him.
All we can do in this life is be true to ourselves and hopefully find people who do the same.
For what it's worth, I believe in Karma and I think you've got great great things coming, and who cares what he's got coming. (Even though we both know it'll suck.)

Your creativity can beat up his creativity.

You are stronger than you think you are. Give yourself a good, long hug and know that down the road you will be OK. Grief takes us way down before we are able to come back up and breathe. I lost my father 10 months ago and it's taking so long for me to feel like I can do things myself. It's not the same as a divorce from someone you thought you had a life with, but it's grief non the less.
Your words are an inspiration to me, believe it or not. They have given me strength today. Thank you. I can only send you peace.

AmyS hit it Laurie. Though there wasn't another man, I just turned my back and never looked back after promising I would always keep in touch. It's taken time but each year the guilt gets worse, and it's been 20 years. It kills me that I could so easily dismiss his feelings that way. And my own for that matter, I've never gotten over him like I thought I did. So as I allow the feelings to surface I find that I will have to try and make amends to him somehow. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Hope this made sense, I have a bad headache and am having a hard time getting the words out.

Girlfriend, you sang it so right when you said "no relationship borne of lies can ever be true." Cold comfort, I know. But he will leave this one when her boobs no longer feel creative enough to him, and on and on until he dies old and alone and wondering what happened.

You will know what happened. Damn creativity.

Stage 12: Key words you used -- new set of friends. Amen!

You seem to have the best set of friends any girl could dream of. True blue, present, authentic, fun, drunken, talking, knitting, FRIENDS! Worth their weight in gold. Geez, you're going to Paris with FRIENDS! Lucky lucky girl.

it's probably already been said, but maybe just to solidify that point.. .

i've heard it takes twice the time you were with someone to get over them...
instead of hurting from your loss and hating it, you can thank him that you've had the chance to learn from it and will never have to go through it again...
once a cheater always a cheater- he's probably not going to be faithful to the other one either, or she's going to cheat on him... its a little solace for a cold evening... even if they are? they will live in fear their whole life wondering; if he looks at a girl at a restaurant she will think, "is he more attracted to her than me? is he going to cheat? is he cheating already?"; if she looks at a guy on the beach he will think, "he's so young, could i be too old for her? am i enough? is she going to cheat? is she cheating now with the plumber?"

u.is.inspiring.

So, it took you a year last time, and how many hours this time? That whole "hard and alone" thing is painful. It's even harder when you have to do it in a relationship. But inside the walls, you can grow your own garden. I will stop now before I start sounding really weird.

hey laurie-
your feelings pour out when they're supposed to, and you've learned to let them flow, and feel them through-then you're done.
i feel sorry for men sometimes, because they (most) don't know how to do this.

also, you loved out loud, and you always will-it's not worth doing any other way.

you've also learned that you love yourself and are able to love someone else-he can't do this.
watching karma play out without doing anything is also most gratifying.

thank you for your beautiful words.

Dear Laurie -

Time for another delurker to comment. First I need to tell ya that I love reading your blog. I also want to tell you time and distance can make the pain easier. My divorce took from 1995-2000. Then I spend another year getting it annulled in the Catholic Church. That meant I it took me longer to undue the marriage than I was married. I too spent many days holding my breath - waiting to exhale - telling myself just breathe, breathe. That's it - just get through this minute, this hour, this day...just breathe. What I will tell you all this time later, is you are your own best friend. You, Laurie are bright, attractive, funny and best of all you have cats that adore you. Animals know good souls. You have a good soul. My therapist would always say to me - "take good care of yourself". I leave you with those words and a hug. Plan your trip to Paris, live in the moment. Live your life - filled with happiness, friends (knitters but of course) and make some really good memories that wipe out the others. Make those memories so special they are the ones that wake you at 3:00 in the morning....most of all give yourself the gift of time - time to make your life everything special, time to make new friends, new take new trips and most of all time to let someone new into your life that is worthy of your uniques gifts and wonderful joy-filled spirit.

Hearts to you - Loretta

I promise you it'll get better. You'll not only not care, you'll be glad that it's over. Just keep reading #17 and know that because he chose the easy way, he's corroding his karma, his soul, and himself. He's not living out loud, he's not being true to anyone. He's a piece of crap you'll scrape off your psyche shoes and move on with a smile on your face.

The day does come. When you stand there and look at him and can't fathom how you let him touch you. And he's talking about nothing and instead of hanging on every word you realize you weren't listening and you don't care and isn't it time for this little chat to be over? When in the back of your head he's just a bump in the road (and for me the source of genetic material). The day will come. And sooner than you think.

Laurie,

I went through the same thing less than a year ago and the pain is still tough, but it does go away. Someone said something to me that really helped me understand how he could so easily and callously move onto to another person without guilt or remorse.

The answer is this: If he'd cared enough in the first place, he wouldn't have done it. Because he didn't/doesn't care, he has no guilt. You have to actually have standards and morals to feel guilt after behaving badly. That is why it hurts us. Because now I realize that I loved someone completely who didn't love me back. But knowing this makes me feel better about myself and makes me less concerned with where he is and who he's with (one of my "best" friend, btw).

There's a book from the writers of Sex and the City called "He's Just Not That Into You." It's not quite up to par for you since you were married to Mr. X for so long, but it does help you put things into perspective and helps give you a little fire in your belly. Plus, it's hilarious! Just go read a few pages of it at the bookstore, don't buy it, one chapter or two will give you enough of a boost. And by the way... My Ex is chapters 5 thru 8!!!!!

Now get out of The Position and keep on about your day. Tell your coworkers to be nice to you then go home and curl up with those great cats of yours. I'll send you a picture of the cutest cat paw you've ever seen ;-)

Cheers from Atlanta,

Hi Laurie,

You are in an AFGO situation (another f***king growth opportunity). They suck big time. When I'm at bottom, when I can lift my head up a little bit, I realize that I'm not spinning. My pain has stopped me in my tracks and I can see things more clearly. I won't say that pain is a gift, but it can allow you to stay still for a moment and plant your feet firmly in the ground and see the things around you that truly make you happy and light, knowing and wise.

I join my voice with all of the others in loving and supporting you. I've sent your blog to friends who knit, who are going through break ups, friends who have cats! Thank you.

Oh, everyone has said it all so well. You COULD have the warm body at home when you shake the raindrops off your coat (wait, does it rain in LA?) to help you trim asparagus and salt the pasta water. He is just as "replaceable" in that sense as can be. But you'd know that it wasn't real and that this new person wasn't a true partner. You'll find one when you are ready and you can only become ready by going through what you are going through now.

Paris paris paris paris paris!!!!

P.S...I'm moving back to LA this summer and am so excited about having Trader Joe's that sell wine again that I can hardly see straight. I may hit you up for a yarn store recommendation at some point since you seem to really know the good spots.

Growth huuuuuurts bad and big time.
It's not about you, it's not about you, it's not about you. . . well, his crap isn't. You are doig all the right things about you, and if you were able to move on so easily, you'd be a) a man, and b) not one little bit as awesome a person.

Someday, someday, it won't hurt like this. Really. Hang in there.

I've been separated 4 years, knew things weren't right for at least 10 years and have been through most of those stages. I can tell you that the journey of self-discovery is so worth it. We Southern girls need to learn who we are and not just in relationship to a man. Our mamas couldn't teach us that because we didn't know them when they were single. My mama was single for 8 years between 1st and 2nd husband. That time period included WWII when there were only old men and 4F's left around. She became very strong... something I should write about for my daughters. I thank God everyday for my girlfriends, my knitting, my cats, my healing and learning all the things I gave up while married that I really miss. How marvelous to "add back" classical music, bluegrass music, knitting, plants, tuna salad, mayonnaise, rice, fresh vegetables, wine and so many more. Yes, it's been painful, but overall the journey has been worth it. Enjoy Paris and blog at length about it when you get back. Hugs from a big fan!

Laurie- you hit the nail on the head- He can do that because he's NOT REAL--- and you are VERY REAL!!!!!
You ROCK!

You have more creativity in your little finger than he does in his whole body.

My friend, I am crying for you today....

"So he lives with his girlfriend. The man cannot wash a pair of socks." That is why he is with her...he cannot wash a pair of socks...

He will do the same thing to her...which I know gives one no satisfaction .. but leopards don't change their spots. Especially JERK leopards

Don't take up the nasty smoking habit again... think of all the yarn money...think of all the health benefits...think of Peter J.

Amen indeed!
Have a wonderful time in Paris! It is a beautiful city! Enjoy your friends!

You've spent enough time on this looser, why waste more?

"He is LIVING WITH a woman, and I cannot commit to a mascara."

*snort* Living with her does not equal committed. As you well know. It's an arrangement of convenience, not commitment.

"It scares me that I may never want anyone."

It thrills me that you will never SETTLE for anyone. It may take awhile to find someone worthy of you. And that's okay. In the meantime, you have Paris and your adoring fans. :)

*sigh* I have to say that this is a wonderful community of people that Laurie has built. Even I am taking all this advice in from people I don't even know and it's not even directed at me, and yet it is comforting me way out here in Boston, and all because one strong women has the courage to live out loud no matter how painful it seems. If I can add my thoughts: Laurie, it was painful to be in the marriage, and it is painful to be out of the marriage, painful either way. But to be out is to be true to yourself, and that's the prize. I always have to remind myself that pain doesn't have to mean something is wrong, it is sometimes just a signal of growth. You Grow Girl! :0)

When the two of you got married, you meant it. He didn't, and wasn't honest enough to tell you. He is having an easy time because he is shallow to begin with -- there's nothing there. You have depth and the capacity to love. He has neither, and lives only on the surface.

..........

Bah. You're better off without him. You got fooled, because you are a better person and good people with real feelings expect that other people are the same way.

..........

Don't worry about dating. Real people with real feelings do not hop from long marriages to a dating whirlwind in an instant. Don't try to rush yourself -- you will know when you're ready, and interested, and open, and can expect it to be in fits and starts, with periods of pulling back. It will happen.

..........
In the meantime, enjoy the fact that you are independent and answerable to no one, and take full advantage of it. In even the best marriage there are constraints, and times when you hold yourself back from something you want because of the person you love. Right now, you have the freedom of being young, pretty, smart, charming, and free. Enjoy it.

Oh, sweetheart. Honey.

Ouch. I'm concerned for you. He's still got such a hold on your emotions, even though your head knows a different story.

Have you considered therapy?

And I would just like to apologize for the extra lines. The Preview function does not show paragraphs, and I was experimenting with different ways of trying to make them show up, and left them in because they didn't have any effect anyway. Since I've never commented here before I didn't know they would magically show up on the post. (Laurie, when you feel better, yell at whoever wrote your blog software) Sorry for being a space hog; I didn't mean it! (Slinking away now...)

Purl...
I've been reading you for months now and think you are an absolutely amazing person... So open and true. I had to comment today because I just wanted to reach through my 'puter and give you a big hug.
I so wish that life was fair and that not only would you get the answers you deserve, but that he would also get his comeuppance...
Please know that you are wonderful and cared for --even by people like me whom you've never met. You will make it and you will be stronger for it. And someday, when you are ready, I wish you love.

Reading this, I was reminded of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's "On Death and Dying," as it describes the stages of grief. We react to the end of a relationship the same way we react to death. As Amy S. (I think) said, Mr. X will probably go through the same thing that you are now. The difference is that he won't know what hit him. More than likely you will have completed all of the stages by then which will only compound his feelings of loss. Perhaps this is what will cause the start of it all.

Bottom line, you will get through all of this. My dad would say, "This builds character." I say, "What is this character crap and if you get too much can you bottle it and sell it?"

Wow, you did more yesterday than I did all week. I got start setting my alarm earlier!

Laurie, I love your blog and your sense of humor, you always make me laugh, even on a day like today where I laught at things you say and how you say them in spite of myself. This is probably not going to come out as comforting as I mean it to, but the hardest thing about loving anyone is that there is always a part of you that will love them, even when you are "over" him, you will remember that he had a certain look for you and it will make you smile because there was good there, too, in spite of everything, because you did love him once. The bitch of heartbreak is you spend days and months and years wanting to crawl under your covers and just die, precious moments remembering to breathe when it would be so easy to just quit breathing and then one day you wake up and say fuck him and really mean it, and one day you will wake up and not think of him at all. I went through it 8 years ago and when he left I wanted to die. He lied, he cheated but when he touched me I believed I was his alpha and omega. And yet the thing is, having lived through it, you are immune to it again, you will never tolerate a man like that again, you learned that you are better, prettier, smarter than that and you don't need someone the way he obviously does. You're inspiring and beautiful and clearly I have blog crush on you.

There are about a gazillion comments on here, and they all express how amazing you are, so rather than add on...I'm just saying ditto. Love you. You're brilliant. And funny. And charming. And I only know you through a freakin blog. You must be fanfuckintastic in real life.

My mother always says there are 3 whores for every husband out there....

Just remember, the one he is with right now is only #1...he's got two more to play house with when he finally gets bored with her.

Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. You're so much better off without him, Laurie. And way too cool for him anyways. Don't let this get you down, sister.

Ah Laurie, I've been where you are. It pretty much stinks but it does get easier. You seem to handle all of this with such grace (whether you think so or not), a grace that I wish I had been able to find way back when.
((((((Hugs)))))))

Amen, indeed!

Ah Laurie, I've been where you are. It pretty much stinks but it does get easier. You seem to handle all of this with such grace (whether you think so or not), a grace that I wish I had been able to find way back when.
((((((Hugs)))))))

Hi Laurie,

Talk about honesty and opening up! I wish you hadn't had to experience so much pain from one man. NOT all men are like Mr.X. You will find someone who is decent and who will think the world, stars, moon...of you. Give it time. Meanwhile, ask your friends to stop telling you about Mr.X's personal life! Focus on your new life instead thinking of what could have been or what he's doing in his new life. Don't let your divorce define who you are. You're an amazing, creative woman! You're a talented writer! A woman with a kickass sense of humor!

Laurie - I don't have your skill for writing, but I read you every day and even though we've never met, I feel as though I know you. I've shared your grief, even though it wasn't mine, cried with you (like now, at my desk - coworkers will think I'm crazy...) and laughed with you (damn, girl, you're funny!)

Keep living out loud, and if you ever find yourself in Richmond, Virginia, you have a friend here (I know that's the slogan for PA, but you get the point).

I've never gone through a divorce, so I can't imagine what it feels like. I only know that you need to feel all of those steps in order to heal. Mostly, try to stop focusing on the fact that you feel cheated by him, etc. Find your strength from within, from your friends, from your family. Put the memory of him in a little box and put it in the attic of your mind.

The only thing he has accomplished is to create a job opening for the next girl. You're way too good for him...and way, way, way too funny! Your wonderful sense of humor will help you through this...that, and all of your friends.

You and Mr. X live on totally different planes of existence. His--totally shallow and colorless. Yours--full-bodied and vibrant. You will never understand his way of living, and he will never understand yours.

For years after I divorced my Mr. X, I pictured the perfect senario where I "had it all," and he had n.o.t.h.i.n.g. How soul-crushing it would be to him, how sad he would be that he gave me up, etc. etc. Well, it actually happened! Sort of.

He screwed up his life so badly he was sleeping on a friend's couch, had collected 1 more ex-wife, and had even been in jail. And when we talked? Instead of his eyes being opened to all he'd lost, he was busy blaming everyone else in the world for his problems instead of putting the blame where it belonged: squarely on himself.

That's when I finally "got it" and moved on.

I feel your pain. Mine happened 6 years ago, and is happening to my best friend/new room mate. His karmic slap is coming, not as soon as you may like, but it's lurking, and it'll hurt. Just remember, you do have friends out here in blog-land.

Karma is a bitch, Mr. X. I am seeing....a very painful prostate gland. And being left, himself, by the entire waitstaff of Hooters. Because in time, everyone gets the life they've led & the sins of the past visit like Marley's ghost, whether in our minds, or the shape of a careening bus.

Purl - one other thing. I know you have said you are on a budget, but maybe today you should pamper yourself a bit. Whole Foods has an AMAZING facial mask. Its made by Aubrey, and its called Vegacol. It feels absorootry FABU. I have really fair, sensitive skin, and I didn't have any adverse reaction to it, so I feel safe in recommending it to anyone/everyone. So buy yourself a killer bottle of wine, and that mask goo and be good to yourself! And hang in there.

It does get easier! It does get better! Take what you have written and each day burn 1 item on your list. Vow to let the burning cleans you, really let it go and to move on.

Check out the Forum program, it can teach you how to move beyond being a victim of the stupid man.

Whitney Knitter

I'm right there with you, sista. If I were even half as creative as you I could have written this post not too long ago. As trite as it sounds, it will get easier. The waiting sucks but someday this will all be a faint memory. He only appears to have moved on. Men are really good at not dealing with things. Until he does, he'll keep ending up in the same place. While you, my darling, are really truly going to get past this because you're working on it.

Long-time lurker, first time commenter here.

I just had to tell you that I am so used to the Crazy Aunt Purl word "eleventeen" now that when I saw the title of your post, "The Seventeen Stages of Divorce", I kinda thought to myself, "Oh how cute! Like seventeen is an actual word!"

I'm a little ashamed by how many seconds went by before I realized that seventeen is, like, an actual word!

Hang in there, Purl.

great post laurie, hope it was as cathartic for you as it clearly was for your many, many fans.

All I can think is that even tho his socks are in the new place with the new thang - even tho he lives there, he isn't "living" there. He's still looking out of the corner of his eye, looking for where his REAL life is. Thinking about his next move. She and that life, they aren't real to him. He sleeps next to her, but he doesn't plan on her. He's still searching for whatever IT is that will fill the hole in his soul... and looky there, you've already found yours! Your description of Living-Out-Loud to me, anyway, means being mentally wherever you are (new age-y, I know). But you are living with the reality of everything in your life, every day. he is waiting - not paying attention to anything because he hasn't found IT yet. But YOU? You are way WAY more 'you' than you ever have been. You're stronger, more interesting (lookit all the stories you have to tell about life now!), more in tune with what makes you tick - I'm with everyone else up there who admires your very cute and smart self.

It DOES get to the point where he could walk past you on the street and you would just laugh and wave and keep walking on by. it does. Just like that old joke, how do you eat a whole elephant? one bite at a time. You just keep taking one bite at a time, and soon that bastard will be gone. Hows that for mixed metaphores, long winded-ness, and lurrrrrve?

Casey

Sweet, sweet Laurie, I feel your pain and it hurts sooo much. People who say they love you are not suppose to treat you this way. Unfortunately he did and I think you are handling it quite well. Feel it, express it, go with it, let it happen. You can't allow yourself to ever deny what you feel. You feel because you care. Don't ever stop caring. And when things get to be just too much, remember, God is with you and he is willing to take what you cannnot. Hand it over to him and then LOVE yourself. You are wonderful just the way you are.
{{BIG mom HUG}}

Damn, girl! You made me cry at work! Now I'm gonna be all blotchy, jeez....it was word for word what I felt when my husband left me...it does get better and you will find a fantabulous man who loves everything about you. Even the fact that you may ocassionally miss the laundry basket with your undies. hee hee.

Your "relationship" with this guy was doomed from the start- just as this new "relationship" he has is doomed. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with him. A liar can only live in their lies so long, then they need a new lies to live. It's a sickness. Good for you for getting out of it- no matter how it happened. (personally, I think that he did you a huge favor in leaving)Atleast you are now able to (hopefully) spot a liar for what they are and stay away! I can understand going through a grieving process, but, what exactly are you grieving? You are better off! Now, HAVE FUN IN PARIS!

There is a lot of wisdom and warmth in these comments. It's kind of amazing. And it's exactly what you deserve. Fuck him.

Forgive me if this has already been said, but WHAT A JERK, you are so much better off without him.

My first husband pushed me away, made it look like I was the one who left. His girlfriend had his baby 9 months to the day after we split. Yeah. We weren't even divorced yet. Paperwork hadn't even been filed yet and my kids had a new baby sister.

Oh be thankful you didn't spawn with that creep... children tie you together forever, much more so than a piece of paper or promises made in the rosey glow of early love. I've moved on, but until the kids are adults, I won't be free of him.

Hang in there Laurie! and in the meantime, throw on some good old Alanis Morrisette, "You Oughta Know"....

"...It was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced...."

Risha (who won't tell ya she's another Jenn, oh rats...well....)

That. Was. Awesome.

I'm way sadder than you girl..

Hun,

I've been reading your blog for about 2 months now. While I was readin' it, I laughed, cried, raged and went lookin for my bar of Ivory Soap so I could go give that good for nothin' SOB a blanket party he'll never forget. Then I realized they don't sell Ivory soap here in Holland and while beating the tar outta him would do my soul a world of good, it would play hell with my bank account.

Your strength is such an inspiration to me, darlin. You are creative, funny, too adorable for words.

Hugs and chocolates

Misty

Lucia is right...it had nothing to do with you. It never does. We are never part of the equation that is Him + Her. We aren't even an afterthought.

All you bitter women attacking mr.x with such glee need to get a grip. You guys would actually prefer him to be an emotional wreck or suffer physically? How is that healthy? There's something to be said for not wallowing in self pity and moving on with your life. This girl needs to take a lesson from him.

Yes! It will get better. Yes! You will run into him sometime in the future and you will not feel the pain. You will see him for who and what he actually is and you will wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place. Eventually you may even feel sorry for him.

He isn't going to find peace no matter how many boobs he fondles because the answer isn't outside. That is why he left. It wasn't you. It wasn't personal. It was that he is immature, self-centered and incapable of having an adult relationship with a real person. You are a real person. You are an adult. You grew and matured as the marriage went on and he did not. He needed to leave to preserve his fantasy. He went right to another woman for the same reason. And, if he doesn't grow up, he will do it to her, too, and sooner.

Years from now you may develop a sort of gratitude for this horrid experience, this baptism by fire, and see it for the catalyst for growth that it is. You will emerge from the ashes of your marriage as a stronger, wiser woman who will not suffer fools. You will count among your blessings the fact that you are no longer in a relationship with such a sick and selfish man.

You will definitely find love again and this time it will be real. It will be messy and bumpy and wonderful and real. You are a different woman from the one that married Mr. X. and you will not attract another Mr. X. There are wonderful adult men in the world who are compassionate and loving and you will find one of them when you are ready.

One day you will look at photos of yourself from the time you spent with Mr. X and you will feel for the girl in the photos what you feel now for your twelve year old self when you see photos of her. You will be okay.

Honey, there is a sucker born every minute. He just found someone willing to be a live in housekeeper and bedmate. Imagine how afraid she must be that if she expresses an independant need or thought that he will leave her high and dry too. She must know that minute she musters up an ounce of self esteem and asks for something from him in return, he will be clawing off his limbs to get away from her.

maybe you're looking at this all wrong?

maybe he left and you thought it was to hurt you, but really maybe he knew somehow that it really was better?

because you *did* get your creativity back, and you *have* made new friends, and you *are* true and real.

maybe it was a gift.

awkwardly wrapped, but still.

f*ck him

This post is for the person who attacked all the "nasty bitter women" who attacked Poor Mr. X, and then suggested that Laurie stop wallowing in self-pity.

I personally don't give a Rat's Ass what Mr. X does. Couldn't care less one way or the other. I do care, however, how a young woman recovers from a bad bout of heartbreak. If Mr. Anon really reads all the entries, he will see that many posts don't even mention Mr X. And I also disagree rather vehemently with Mr Anon's assessment that Laurie is wallowing in self-pity. Rather, I think she is struggling mightily to overcome her grief and move on. And that my Dear Mr. Anon, is a very noraml and a very human thing to do. How do I know you are a man? No sane woman would have made that post. And to be honest, I can't help but think that post was made by Mr. X himself. I hope I'm wrong, because that would just cement the belief that Mr X is not quite a gentleman, and should probably be gelded and/or be sent back to the Mothership to go back to whatever nasty little planet he came from.

One step at a time, honey lamb. However long it takes--one step at a time. We're with you....

I as so sorry-I know telling you that you are better off doesn't help because it didn't really help me. The sense of humor and the wine- keep those things-Maybe it helps if i tell you that everything you are feeling makes sense and please don't get mad at yourself for feeling it-that is where i tend to make things worse.

As my mother from NC used to say, "He's not even good enough to lick the shit off your shoes."

You are wonderful and full of such life.

You are a rainbow--he is the color of dust.

I wish I could do more--just know that you have so many people in your corner. More than you even know.

I'm not very witty or quick, but I wanted to let you know that this too shall end. I'm not sure if it will be the ending you hoped for, but one day you'll walk past him and not recognize him because he's a completely different person.

And now I'm done being corny...but one quote I find helps me through the single parent life - "Everything will be OK in the end - if it's not OK, it's not the end."

I have it in big letters just about everywhere. :) Best wishes to you.

You've just spoken my heart out....

Amen, sister.

It does get better, it sucks but in the end I was so much happier with me and who I turned into, or maybe who he stiffled me from being all along. I can honestly say my ex seems like a dream now, that was it real or not type of thing. I spent 8 years with him and now, he gets a rare thought. It was hard at first I had questions about my life about why that bastard couldn't say he wanted out and was just an asshole until I kicked him out. In the end I had to find answers to my quesitons and it made me who I wanted to be, it helped me find worthy people to share my life with. It does get better!

You are so strong. You ARE real. He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't know himself. He is dependent on others and will bounce around his entire life, never knowing truth, never knowing reality and he will be miserable. He is ashamed of his new life. He is ashamed of his behavior as well he should be. He knows your strength, he knows that you are true and he is ashamed for you to know what he is. That is why he hides the truth from you - shame. One should always be ashamed of lies.

You are strong, you are true to yourself and one day you will find a true strong happiness that involves, wine and cats and maybe even a man (man optional of course).

i'm sorry it still hurts so much. really, no one can imagine how deep down hard it hurts. i've been thru it (yes, really), and part of me still wavers between hurtslikehell and socompletelyoverit. overit wins most often, but hell is still waiting for a chance to jump out and get me. i fight it every day. sometimes i wake up fighting it, remembering something that happened that was awful, sometimes it'll hang back, then sneak up on me when i'm reading the paper. i can put it down faster now than i used to, but it still flashes for a minute or two. i don't know how long it takes to 'get over it'. i used to think i'd dissolve if he left, but i know that won't happen. i'm ok, and strong enough to live my life. mostly.

Laurie,
My heart stopped when I read your post. My divorce was 9 years ago (after 14 years of marriage), and I can still feel how. much. it. hurt. Especially when I found out he remarried within a year. Was I not good enough? Was I easily replaced? No. I was too much for him. Too original, too complex. So are you. Look at all the people you touch EVERY DAY. What a great heart you have. What an incredible creative force in the world you are. We all love you. And so do our cats.

I have no great insights. I have been through similar but not the same. It does get better. The long running question for me is always why did I go there in the first place.

Hi,

I can tell you from experience it will be OK.
As others have mentioned you need to go through this process to heal.

My moment of truth came on a special night when I thought the love of my life was going to propose to me. He broke up with me that night. "saying things like he needs to spend more time with the guys. WTF! Needless to say that was the beginning of a spiral of not knowing who I was or trusting anyone ever again.

I did have a great break through when he called me up one day and we had lunch. He wanted me back and said he had made a mistake. It appeared to me then that he was just now working through the break up and I was way passed it. I looked at him across the table and thought What was I thinking? What did I ever see in him?

It has been 17 years since he dumped me and he has yet to marry and settle down. I guess he has plenty of time to spend with the guys.

Looking back it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It really made me look at myself and what I wanted out of life. I think that once you have been hurt so badly you will never love as openly as you did, but that does not mean you won't love again.You will just be more cautious as to whom you give your love to.

Everyone's right...karma will reach up and bite him on the ass. And not only bite, but take a big chuck out of it for good measure.

There is no way that he is a truly happy person enjoying his life - he lies to himself as well as to others, and treats the closest people to him terribly. You are so lucky to be away from him, please remember that every time you feel bad!

I had so many wonderful things to say, but another bright woman named Maggie already put it so well (above). Gotta love them Maggies!

It's been 14 years since mine, and I can honestly say I have no love for the man today. I spend a moment or two every few months wondering why I stayed for so long. It will come.

Hi,
I've been reading your page for a while now and had not commented before. I wanted you to know that your writings are amazing! Inspiring.
I went through something similar two years ago and I somtimes still feel the pain of feeling like someone pulled the rug from under me. But, I can say that things do get better and you will one day look back and realize that it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person that threw in the towel. You seem to be an amazing woman and I'm sure you will find love again. Keep on writing and thank you for sharing bits and pieces of your life.

Hi,

I can give you number 18. You will be done with this thing when you stop thinking, obsessing, assesing, blaming, grieving, justifying, explaining, praying, begging, bitching, and hoping. Today you will think about it a lot two, three, ten hours whatever it takes per day. Next month you will spend less time and though on it, 20 ot 30 minutes a day. Six months from now give it 5 minutes a day. 5 years from now once a month. 10 years from now once a year. When you have truly moved on you stop thinking about him and start thinking about YOU all the time.

Why do YOU care what he is doing with his life if he is not a part of YOURS anymore?

So many other people have posted better words than mine, so I'll just send you hugs, the thought of a wonderful time in France (soon! so soon!), deep breaths and the mantra "this too shall pass". It will, it really will, I know this as sure as I know that the sun will shine. *hugs*

i'm here to echo what all the others are saying. you will survive, and yeah it sucks a bunch of ass right now, but i promise you from the bottom of my blackened heart that your life will infinitely get better. at least you can write eloquently - i have an entire journal full of scribblings, and here's a passage, dated october 7, 1999: "...i just can't bear it. to go on in life as if nothing happened between us, as if it were something lighthearted, something trivial. no. i think i'll go have a beer. i have nothing better to do tonight, except for cry, and i'm so tired of crying. i wish i could stop crying".

guess what? you know where i am today? Today i am in Newlywed Land. i never thought i'd ever remarry, much less meet someone of a better caliber than Louse #2 (because there was a Louse #1, around 16 years ago, and i stuck around in that relationship for 4 years longer than i should have). your life will get better; this pain you feel will pass and next thing you know, you'll be combining cookware with a tall dark and handsome man, one who knows how to COOK! (how great would that be?).

hugs all the way from baltimore.

My heart breaks and my eyes tear up to read your pain so candidly shared.

Know this, Ms. Laurie: the fact that you can still be hurt by this months later is a CREDIT to you and to how fantastically involved and devoted you were to your marriage -- a truly admirable quality and something HE will never be able to honestly claim.

I've said it before and will say it again. Mister-"I need my creativity back" can't hold a candle to the likes of you who now knit, paint, and WRITE so well that hundreds, if not thousands of people stop by DAILY to read what you write.

I have to laugh (AT him; WITH you) that something so UN-creatively destructive as the willful break-up of a marriage has led to the incredible creativity that has poured forth from you these past months.

I know some famous writer has probably said this much more eloquently, but, as you're so intimately discovering -- from great pain comes great beauty.

And finally, a gardening metaphor:

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." -John 12:24

Yes, it gets easier. Honestly. Everybody is saying what I would say, too...once a cheater, always a cheater...shame on the friend who emailed you the news...etc. I know it is so hard to move on, and when you think you've moved on something happens that takes you steps, or sometimes a landslide, backwards...but just like Bill Murray in What About Bob?, you need to keep moving forward...even if it is with baby steps.

My heart aches for you, Hon. I'm sending good thoughts (and maybe some praline thoughts, before it gets too humid to make them) your way.

I'm so far down the list that you probably won't read this, but I just wanted to tell you two things.
1. Laurie, you're allowed to be pissed off by the "moving into the new house". When I saw my ex's new arm candy wearing a new leather coat when he didn't spend dime one on me, I was enraged. Once it was out of my system I realized "how sad that he has to buy her love and mine was free."

2. Thank God for friends like Shannon who do not spare your feelings and tell you the bad news. My best friend attended my ex's wedding to the bimbo and told me she was going shopping with her mother that day. The betrayal I felt when I learned the truth was much worse than the momentary pain I would have felt had she just been honest with me. Good for Shannon for realizing that you needed to know.

It's okay for you to take all the time you need to feel good again, Miss Laurie. It's not fair that Mr. X can just exchange lives and bedpartners, but it tells you something really important about him, doesn't it? Anyway, stick with your pain and listen to it if you need to. You'll come out on the other side of this difficult time, and you'll be a real human being instead of a person who keeps trying and failing to fill the bottomless pit in his psyche.

What you said in your post reminds me of this Concrete Blonde song, "True":

And if I had the choice
I'd take the voice I got
'Cause it was hard to find.
You know I've come too far
to wind up right back where I started.

And they tell me who I should be,
I'll never let those monkeys
make a mess of me.
I am who I am and it's all I can do,
But I'm true.

One more sunrise
Open my eyes up - true
One more sunset
Lay my head down - true.

Peace

--DG

Laurie, one thought comforts me when I'm feeling like I've been cheated and others who are unworthy have more than I do - everyone pays. Everyone pays eventually, but unfortunately, we don't get to choose HOW others pay! His chickens will come home to roost one day.

This is lovely -- well, except for the one guy who thinks women are bitter hags LOL -- I do thank you all. I cannot believe how many other people have been in the same place, I am overwhelmed!

And I do need to clarify -- I wanted Shannon to tell me, I just wasn't expecting it and I was at work, and really, there's no good time for crap news. But she is a good and dear friend.

thank ya'll :)

Oh Laurie,
Please know that I care, deeply, and I wish you well as you get through this. It will lessen, this pain, I promise.

In time you will learn to love again and that man will be the luckiest man on the planet.

An old friend of mine had a saying which applies perfectly to Mr. X: He isn't worth the dynamite it would take to blow him up. And someday his "creativity with boobs" (I LOVE that!!) will find that out, too.

I don't know if it helps that a lot of strangers love and admire you, but...well...a lot of strangers love and admire you. :) And I'm one of them. Take care, dear!

Laurie - I don't understand either. Same thing happened with my fiance years ago and I couldn't understand how he was charming two of us at one time. It hurt and continued to hurt for years - the ease with which I was discarded. But - you have courage and a big heart and I know there is great happiness in your future. At some point you will meet the guy you deserve and Mr X will just be a faraway memory. Good for you facing the anger and the hurt head on. Good luck and God bless!

Something to cheer you up if you haven't already seen it.

http://www.stuffonmycat.com/

I KNOW you can get through this.

I KNOW you can get through this.

A word for Mr. X:

"If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you."- M.T.

&

"Relationships born in the dark do not do well in the light"- Stevie Nicks

Heh. Here's to hoping he turns up on World's Wildest Police Chases one of these days.

Look what you have done this past year. There is a saying... what doesn't kill you will make you stonger. I know it might sound trite, but it's true. Living through the pain has and will make you change and grow. You have done so much and grown so much. Do you think that he has done that? I don't know him and can't judge, but it sounds like he has just stepped from one life to another with no personal growth. Do you think that will be a fullfilling relationship for him? If and when you decide to have a new relationship, it will be as a new stronger Laurie. And it will be more fullfilling for you.

one last thing: to get yourself out of this funk, start looking forward to france like MAD. think of all the stinky cheese you're going to eat! make a point of getting a bottle of wine with your friends and plopping down on the grass near the eiffel tower. i've done that, and it's the most amazing thing in the world ("i'm drinking wine at 5 in the afternoon with friends under the goddam eiffel tower - life doesn't get any better than this!"). french men will flirt with you, so flirt right on back. wink at everyone. you will be a whole new woman after that trip. you will be YOU. a wonderful you.

behold the power of cheese.

You know, this is exactly how I felt when my best friend told me that she couldn't handle me anymore. 8 years of a very close friendship, 8 years of feeling that I always had someone to go to when I was bored, upset, had great news, needed sushi and so on, and then it was over. However, I saw it coming. I saw the two options, either things get better or things get worse.

Things got worse. And I went through those 17 steps. Now, I realize that in my case, I can't just get over someone I've known and loved for that long. She may have never been who I thought I cared for, but that's not the point. I had a sincere attachment and when I had to tear out something that was THAT embedded with so many roots, I did myself an injury.

I've not had a friend that close since, but then, it's only been five years and I do have friends now who I can go to, but none who will ever share that closeness I had with my former best friend.

Like any wound, it will close in time, but the scar tissue takes a long time to fade.

Laurie,

You are a good person. One of the best. He doesn't deserve you. And his girlfriend? Maybe she DOES deserves HIM!

Liz

It WILL happen. There will come a day when he could knock on your damn door with the entire waitstaff of Hooters and you will be disappointed that it's not the UPS man with those books or that yarn or whatever to deliver and you will sigh, close the door, and go back to the better life you have.

I know your pain. I wasn't married to my Mr. X, but I still know a margin of your pain and I'm quite familiar with the punch-in-the-gut feeling.

I'm glad that you got your creativity back and I'm glad that you shared it with the Internets. Whether you know it or not, you are a strong woman. This might JUST BE the craziest thing I've ever said (considering you're some stranger on the internet), but you're one of my role models. For reals, yo.

Laurie,

The day of not caring will come...and it doesn't come gradually. It's like a gigantic kick in the ass, and then...then, you are done. It will shock you and surprise you, and you will need to have girlfriends ready to celebrate. Only then will you be completely free.

You've gone through all of the steps and realize that they are recursive...

That means the day is coming.

Congratulations!

Jaimi

Here's what happened to me once:

I thought I loved this guy a whole lot. He seemed sensitive and quiet, shy, introverted, deep, blah, blah, blah, all the stuff you make up for yourself to cover up the truth that the guy is a jerk. A cute jerk with tattoos, but about as deep as a mud puddle. And I thought I cared a lot about him and he left and I thought,I'll never get over him, and then one day (about two years after we broke up), I ran into him on the street, just like in the movies, and for one blank second, I couldn't remember his name. Or, I remembered it, but it was the wrong one--like, oh, wait, that's John-oops, Frank! This can happen to you too. You may not lose his entire identity, but you will have a day where you realize it's been weeks since you thought of him. Promise, cross my heart.

Oh Laurie. I just want to send my Charlie-cat to you so he can crawl his 18 1/2 pound self up on your chest, purr madly and paw at your face till you smile. (Works for me anyway).

Better days are ahead! Just know that you are dealing with your situation/emotions while he's just rearranged his to suit him better. Karma's a B&*^H and he'll get his one day.

Sweetie, some men just suck.

My father told my mother on the day I, her only daughter, moved out that after 24 years he wanted out. He was done. Later on he confided in me, not knowing that it was me, that he never loved her. Never. After 5 kids, the awful truth of it all for him was, that she was the first person he ever slept with, and so that was it. He thought he had all he needed in life.

You however.. are the strongest woman I know. Even through all that fetal position pain and groveling to God to just please Make.It.Stop.-ness. You have stepped up to the plate and played the game well. 'You said it best yourself:
The knowledge that I am true and real. I don't lie to you. I show up. I make promises that I keep. I pet the cat and stretch out, pour another in a long line of solid cabernets. Life isn't bad. I show up. I am present. I'm here to take whatever comes'

(((((purlyhugs))))

I've been lurking on your blog for a few months and wanted to let you know that I've laughed out loud at you in your happier moments, thought, "That is so true" umpteen times in your more serious moments, and sent your url to countless people. Check out your frappr map! 980 people all over the world who have been touched by what you write.

What does he have? Some chick he's eventually going to cheat on. Friends who won't call him on his stuff. And a terrible, terrible relationship to his creativity.

Laurie, I wish you peace sugar. I wish I could soothe your raw heart but time is the only true balm. Know that you have many many friends who take great pride in you and love you for who you are. (You also have many friends who will happily go egg his house for you too but that's for another time...) Have a fantastic time in France honey, you deserve the very best.

Free advice from an Agony Aunt.... I am currently engaged in helping my daughter through an agonizing breakup... this is what I would tell her.

So here you are with YOUR creativity in spades. Rejoice. Devour Paris. Drink wine. Nurture your cats. Find a publisher. Revel in your many friendships. Throw away those fucking cigarettes. Don't let the fact that he left ruin the good things that you had together. Be ready for everything that happens next. It is going to be even better.

Laurie,

You never fail to inspire me.

I lift my (wine) glass to you again and again.

I assure you karma (& Carma even ;) ) will get him someday... And you'll know it.

C

*bear hug*

First off-- hear, hear Marcia! For all brave Mr. Anonymous knows, some of the people trying to reassure Laurie are men who simply have an ounce of human decency and enough memories of a broken heart to help a fellow human being get through a rough moment. Mr. Anonymous sounds like the sort of asshole who can't distinguish the difference between the words "Woman" and "weakness," and who spends his entire life alternately despising and hungering for the indefinable something that he uses both words to define. Dear Mr. Anonymous, please take your developmental arrest/ emotional disorders to another blog-- surely "Free Republic" and "ilikeboobs.com" have space aplenty for you to vomit out your psychic bilge.

Ahem. I feel cleansed.

Second, Laurie, please, I beg you, try to stop wondering what it is about you that made him leave you. By going through every element of your life and person, and wondering if it is unlovable, you are abusing your wonderful self by weighing its value through his eyes. This way, he can continue his emotional abuse of you by proxy, he can let you keep yourself down. Keep telling yourself-- his values and vision are totally fucked, and you DESERVE to been seen, in your wonderful qualities and your flaws, through the eyes of love.
And we all out in computerland love you dearly. You make our lives more amusing, more humane, and we like to check in with you.

When a married man leaves his wife and marries/moves in with the "girlfriend", that leaves a vacancy the "girlfriend" used to occupy. A man who cheats once will cheat again. Good thing he won't be cheating on you.

Hang in there, my friend. Get a bottle of cabernet or merlot or whatever your choice is. Also get a bottle of Rescue Remedy in the natural food store. It works wonders. Take it from someone who knows.

Give yourself 5 years. I know it sounds like a loooooooonnnnnnng time, but it is necessary for the healing.

Know that it is most decidedly NOT you who has issues.

P.S. You do know who was voted the most despised man in blogland, don't you?

Aw, hon, you are me 12 years ago. Almost exactly, but you put it into words better than I ever could have.

And it does get better. Honest.

(Raising a glass of red wine to you) Amen sister. Amen.

Laurie, I hope all these people reaching out to let you know how much you are looooved makes you feel better! And you thought most of us were here daily for the cats!! (well, we are here for the cats, but mainly for you.....:)

tomorrow is a new day!

Girl, you are NOT forgettable.

And if he forgot you easily, that's his failing, not yours. That speaks to his character, not yours.

I've been through this, too. For me, FWIW, the kicks in the stomach still show up once in a while, but each time they aren't as intense and don't last quite as long. It's losing it's power over me over time.

You are not forgettable. Everything you said in this post makes complete sense. I'm so glad that you found your creativity, because it definitely brings a smile to my face every couple of days. :) Take care, hun.

This song always