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March 17, 2006

She Bangs

The Brangelina prototype hat is done, and it has a few "features" I need to work out for the real recipe. In my efforts to make a really good final pattern for this hat, I even knitted a swatch of the Lion Brand Wool Ease Thick 'n Quick to measure the gauge. And. Well. There's a reason they call it thick, people. But I can't find the less-chunky wool ease anywhere and frankly I prefer to think the old adage is true -- not just for women but for all things -- "Once you go thick you never forget." Amen, sister.

(I may have made that saying up. Possibly. Because I am thick 'n quick!)


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I was having a traumatically bad hair day yesterday and I wanted to wear my Brangelina hat all day. (I didn't.) But I did wear it down the hallway and into the 19th floor powder room to photograph myself. I told everyone who I passed on the way, "Yo. I'm keeping it gangsta." (If by "gangsta" you mean five-foot-almost-four inches of nothing but pure Southern quirkery!) People humored me with a variety of outdated ghetto slang in return. I am the sort of person who is often humored.

The bad hair situation is going to be resolved next week when I visit Aharon, who I may or may not proposition once again in a fit of futility. I love Aharon. Of course, perhaps it's because Aharon knows I need boundaries, and tough love. This was apparent when I called him a mere two days before my appearance in Divorce Court (cue ominous music). I was in absolute emotional meltdown and I needed dire intervention.

Receptionist: Hello, Umberto Beverly Hills, how can I help you?

Me: Hi. Can I speak with Aharon? Please? I have a hair emergency.

Receptionist: Just one moment I'll see if he's with a client.

(Interestingly enough, the receptionist did not bat an eye at my melodramatics. They must get hair emergency phone calls on a regular basis.)

Aharon: Hello?

Me: Aharoh, it's me, Laurie. I have a hair emergency.

Aharon: What happened...? Are you ok? Did you get cake in your hair?

Me: ...? cake?

Aharon: It happened to one of my clients before, blue frosting, it was terrible!

Me: No.

Aharon: Well, thank God because the cake is very hard on the hair, we had to cut.

Me: Aharon. Focus! Emergency!

Aharon: Yes.

Me: I need bangs.

Aharon: Absolutely not.

Me: Aharon, I NEED BANGS.

Aharon: What's going on?

Me: (whimper)

Aharon: No.

Me: But I have to go to Divorce Court and I am scared and I need bangs!

Aharon: No! You cannot solve this problem with the bangs. Now be good, come see me soon. Do not ask me about the bangs for at least six more months.


It was sad, really, having your hair emergency dismissed in such a manner. But in the end, he was right. You cannot solve a problem like divorce with bangs.

But.

It's been six months.

I'm just saying is all.

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Posted by laurie at March 17, 2006 8:50 AM