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March 1, 2006

March 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

I like to blame a lot of stuff on Mercury and its retrograding self. Recently in our weekly staff meeting here at Corporate Job, Inc., I blamed the planet Mercury for breaking the projector. My boss is so used to my brand of crazy that he ignored me completely, and I suggest we all take this tactic when dealing with a retrograded March: ignore the crazy stuff. It won't kill any of us. And if it does kill us, no one can eat us anyway.

For March, Mercury goes into the astrological Bat Cave on the 2nd and doesn't re-emerge until the 25th, and it looks like Uranus is big this month too (HAR HAR) (that never gets old, folks) plus, I'm going international with my crazy and arriving in Paris with a Virgo, two Capricorns and a Gemini. It's a month with a full moon, a new moon, some Ides, a green-beer day and the first day of Spring. We'll all be somewhat manic and moody this March, but we'll find new and ever-drunken ways to cope with it. You can put that in Uranus and smoke it!

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
The two-step may have been fine for Fred and Ginger, but who wants to be taking two steps forward and two steps back every time they hit the ground? Not me. And not ya'll, I'm just guessing. March is all about breaking out of the box step and break dancing instead ... or maybe a spicy mambo? A tango to work, a rumba to bed? Dare to do something buckwild crazy this spring, and release all the built-up tension of the winter months. Until the new moon at the very end of the month, the only expectations you have to live up to are your own. The most important thing I can tell you right now: Don't spend your life taking instructions on how to live from people that aren't even qualified to give you street directions. Or dance instructions.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
While we're on the dance metaphors, I noticed we had a little internal hokey-pokey in Pisces this month. Ya'll are playing mental and emotional hopscotch: One foot left, one foot right, cross your fingers and hope everything works out. But why? Why are you doing this? Sing it with me: It's your birthday! It's your birthday! Go Pisces! Go Pisces! You have to take the lead this month, both pragmatically and romantically. I can't imagine you stalking your goals zealously, but I can envision you with treats in your pocket to attract some puppy love. I don't mind if you use stealthy and secretive ways to get what you want, as long as you finally start closing in on the prize. Life is short, nights are long, take a chance. Put your right foot in and shake it all around, that's what it's all about.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Reading tea leaves may be a dying art, but I am well-versed at discerning truth and prophecy from the smudges on the top of your Diet Coke can. It was, in fact, the only way I could properly find a reading for you this month. Seems you have some planetary re-alignment, and all that other crap that astrologers talk about. What that means for real people is that you're in a shitload of flux, and you can't make heads or tails of this crazy cycle of change. I wish there was an astrological safe house where you could go to wait out your forecast, but the best I can offer you is a glimpse at the future -- the knowledge that next month the influx of change will continue, but you'll finally begin to see the right decisions you've made. And there are plenty! Until it becomes clear, though, do NOT make ironclad long-term life decisions out of sheer desire to make the flux end. I mean really.




TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You are such a little free thinker these days, spouting wisdom and exploring new ways of being independent. Ya'll have made your mamas proud, and really have made something of yourselves. Now if we could just do something about that hair! And your aversion to go with the flow. And your cranky disposition when it comes to sticking out from the rest of the zodiac. Just because we watch boring teevee or shop at the mall, it doesn't mean we're all cyborgs. No need to take us to task for not being individualistic Taurus Goddesses like yourselves. Use all that pent-up energy to pick a fight over something more meaningful, will you? The new moon at the end of March will open you up to a whole new set of expectations to rail against. The good news is that you are a Taurus Goddess, worthy opponent, amazing competitor. The bad news is that we haven't all gotten that memo yet. Be patient.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I attended my first horse race not long after moving to Los Angeles. I was shocked and amazed to see rows of people hunched over Jack & Coke while smoking their last three dollars and hoping for a Win, Place or Show. It's a reluctant metaphor for your March -- running around in even more circles, hoping to get neck and neck with your anxiety and win, finally! Or at least place. I meanyou're here, aren't you, so you got "show" covered. In some way, we're all of us hoping for a win, place or show in this life. And, though you don't want to hear it, I would not recommend placing all your money down on one horse (or rider, I know how ya'll are) this spring, until the Mercury horse goes direct on the 25th. While this month may not be the final freedom you were banking on, I can assure you that all is not lost, and by releasing your need to win at all costs perhaps you'll have time to decide if you really wanted the prize anyway. And since you're already here, what with the showing up and all, why not have a Jack & Coke on me.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Shakespeare called astrology "The excellent foppery of the world." Methinks old Shakespeare needed to take ye olde stick out of ye old arse. But this line reminds me of the old saying "Anything can be true as long as you believe it." I'm down with that. Let's believe what we need to be true all month long, shall we? (Oh, ya'll can tell I am a true Cancer, with a Cancer rising, such a dreamy little optimist.) What you -- and I -- need to believe this spring is that magic still exists, that our future can be divinely granted, that fate is smiling upon us. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Fact is, if you believe that the gods are smiling on you, they most likely are. And destiny can be made. And fortune cookies can tell the truth. And people can surprise you, and you can surpass even your own expectations for yourself.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Let's play spin the bottle. I spin, and you bottle up your emotions. Oh wait! Ya'll are already playing that game! Please stop. Now. Not tomorrow or next week or the second Tuesday after you get your teeth cleaned. Stop now. Learn to express yourself today by writing a big mean letter to the world and address it to every single person that has ticked you off. Include your bitter third-grade teacher, the friend who wasn't, the ex that never explained why it ended, the convenience store clerk who was rude. All of them. (Feel free to throw in some jabs at Mr. X, I'm just saying is all.) Spew it all out on paper and then wonder at how you ever kept all that bottled inside. Feel terribly free, self-satisfied, and delighted with your colorful vocabulary. Now isn't that better?

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
What's a nice Virgo like you doing in a joint like this? Do you feel a little tainted by the proximity of so many astrological slackers? You after all, take this life very seriously, and if the rest of us zodiac losers would just get our asses in gear and stop pandering to our weaker aspects, then maybe you'd see fit to grace us with your presence. I don't know how you manage to put up with us. I have three suggestions for helping ease the annoyance factor: don't eat strange candy, don't talk in elevators, and don't wear spandex. And don't compromise your sense of purpose and vision just because we haven't caught up with you yet. We will.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Resist the temptation to get bitchy this month. Do not give into your inner horndog. Break out the halo and be on your best behavior, because someone is eyeing you closely for a leadership role, or a promotion, or some added responsibility you've been asking for. Maybe it's just that your character has come under scrutiny lately, and you don't want to give them fuel for the fire. (There has been a lot of chatter in your life, and almost none of it has been true or real.) Whatever the case may be, think angelically and picture yourself with wings. Libra, ya'll need to move from wild child to angel in 30 days or less! If Drew Barrymore could do it, so can you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
A recent poll shows that 2/3 of all Scorps are Alone-a-phobes. Surrounding yourself with people and things and noise is your favorite way of dealing with Alone-aphobia, but I'm going to suggest something radical. Turn off the TV and the radio, don't answer the phone -- in fact, turn the ringer off -- and be all by your lonesome for at least 20 minutes. Why is it so scary for you? Think of it as a party of one. See! You're such nice company. I like having you around. You ought to come here more often. Baby, what's your sign? Oh. Right. That's how we got here in the first place. Whoops.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
How well do you know your modern Paula Abdul? She was a nice girl from the suburbs who lyricized "He's a cold hearted snake / look into his eyes / uh-oh / he's been telling lies..." You could take a warning from her... after all, you know that sometimes we all need a former cheerleader-turned-choreographer-turned-singer turned-hasbeen-turned-American-Idol to philosophize for us. Well, I know I do, anyway. Besides how many modern-day philosophers were former Laker Girls? But, I digress. The true sum of a month's wisdom comes from one lyric. "All the world's a candy store / he's been trick or treatin'" A line fitting of a Sag, because all the world is your candy store in March. Someone's been trick or treatin' in the past ... but this month it will be you, happy Sag, many treats and no cold-hearted snakes here. Straight up now tell me ... am I forever your girl? (Ok, I'm stopping now! I promise!)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Dearest Capricorn. Welcome to March. You are under emotional House of Blues arrest. You have the right to get angry. You have the right to speak with a real friend, and confess your secrets and your fears. You have the right to late night phone calls. You have the right to ponder, to delve into your emotions. You have the right to broaden your horizons, meet new people, break new laws of attraction. You have the right to drunken introspection. If you cannot afford therapy, you may find that a therapist has been appointed to you by the gods, and will manifest itself in nooks and crannies. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

Posted by laurie at March 1, 2006 10:12 AM