Good for you, Laurie. Living out loud forces you to be brutally honest with the most important person - YOU. It is not easy and it is not all that fun, but it's true and no one can fault you for being true to yourself. He left. And (as you would write it) You. Are. So. Much. Better. Than. That. It'll get better. It has to.

I am so proud of you. You are living out loud, and you know what? I love the living out loud you even more than I loved the pre-LOL you. Which I didn't even think was possible.

Jen, oh, I love you. You know... you are the one who inspired me, to know it was possible to live a life honest and true. I thank you every day.

We are all so flawed that we imagine other people would be horrified if they knew what we were really like - it takes guts and determination to live out loud. And we love you all the better for it!

*hug*

Preach on, lady!

Your honesty and the clarity with which you write inspire me to no end. Living Out Loud is terribly scary, but it is so worth it to know that when you start doing that, you can rest your head at night and sleep well knowing that you've lived another day of remaining true to yourself, which is really just about the best thing ever.

What I'm trying to say is, way to go, Laurie! Way to break free, break from the chains! May our paths cross one day at a SnB or Stitch Cafe so I can say the same thing in person.

And, while I'm at it, much love for Joy Division!

*hugz* Laurie, you've just spoken out for all of us. Keep living your life out loud, set a standard for us all, who, one day, might have to follow you suit.

Whoah. My we're-just-friends-for-5-months boy told me last weekend that he lied about his age too! His excuse: "I was in prison for 3 years when I was a kid so, since I was robbed of that time, I'm claiming it back."

"...Prison?" I said.

...got one for ya'....

He came up with an elaborate story about his son being killed by his drunk exwife. She rolled the car over on him as he reached across the passenger seat to take the keys and stop her from driving while under the influence.

8 years later....son calls up and leaves a message on our answering machine...

Hello?! Busted...party of one?

hi Laurie. feel like a stalker reading your blog without telling you. I enjoy it so much and you make me laugh everyday (especially with the cat-pics with textlines) my work mates probably think I'm going crazy laughing out loud in this quiet dull office. I found your blog by "mistake" (lucky me) when I was looking for a knitting pattern for a kitty pi. just wanted to tell u - I think You are a Star!

wow...what gives, we wonder... How crazy...he lied too, put debt in your name before the breakup? I mean does this man's family even respect him...I don't get it. Who raised that boy! Maybe there is something after all to that old-timey adage: Boy, who yo' people? Geez. Hmmm.

Well, it's a good thing that you're a smart, creative and resourceful woman, because a more timid soul would just crumble -- or worse, seek some major revenge. I mean, damn, girl! Wow...it just goes to show that we really, really should cultivate supportive and trusting friendships OUTSIDE OF our intimate/marriage/partnered relationships. Really. I have to say that your story is making me a bit more squeamish about having ANY relationship outside of my friendships...sad, but true.

My ex was a lot more truthful. She only lied about the other guys she was sleeping with while we were together. And at least she didn't secretly move around money before the breakup, she just took it all afterward...and the furniture...and the car. Damn, its moment like these I realize how lucky I was. She was a sweet kid...maybe I should call her...now what was that number again...I think it started with 666!!! [*note to self: get professional help for bitter sarcasm]...ah screw that...Ex-es Blow!

Laurie, you continue to stun me with your eloquence. Thank you for sharing. Wow.

you are amazing and so honest. i rarely comment but I just think this was too good of a post to pass up.

I have just recently started reading and i think you rock.

i also have a love of red wine and i also do enjoy it in copious amounts. there are too many naysayers in this area.:) come to ireland and 'you'll be grand' (as they say...)

keep on keeping on..

Canadian in Belfast

I'm going to print out his half of that picture and throw darts at it. Then stamp on it. Then burn it.

"("He left." Do you know how hard it is to say those words? To admit failure? To be flawed?)"

HE is the one who failed.
HE is the one who is flawed!
HE is the one who messed with your money and jacked-up the debt!

YOU...do not accept the emotional and psychological crap he spewed.

Mo

Sweetie,
You didn't leave, He did. He got weak, you didn't~you stay strong & stand tall girlfriend. Take the higher road. He hasn't, by the sounds of things. I have been there too. And after 30 years of marriage, he's groveling to get back. And now because I didn't give in or give up, I'm a better person-he knows it. And it's MY choice now whether to let him back or not.

Really excellent post. You go girl.

Wow, how inciteful... (I just got married on Sunday...)

Tinge of desperation on both of our parts.... How is that for living out loud!

BTW Future blog subject when nothing else comes to mind - how the hell do you add those text boxes to your photos?

Oh nd my cats have requested their own Kitty Pis... Thanks a lot.

Mine lied and cheated and stole 14 years from me. Once I discovered his untruthfulness, from that day forward I vowed to live a truthful and real life...because you see, he managed to suck me into the lies and cover-ups too... Some days it's not easy but I'd never go back...not even for all the money in the world. Life is real living and sadly, those who lie do not get to taste the real joy either...so hang in there...joy is the elixir of truth.

I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. I was beaten and lied to. I came through to the other side, a little scarred, but my own person. It wasn't your fault and now it's in the past. Be true to yourself.

I dated a guy once was engaged to him in fact changed myself to make him happy until there was nothing of me left. Then he tells me one day he's leaving because he "doesn't like who I've become." Realize that everyone is flawed, but it's what makes us who we are. I love my flaws because I'm one of a kind. When someone suddenly rejects you for those flaws you start to doubt yourself. Then as you start to heal you look at them minus the love and see that they're the shitty person. Not you. You see you're worth loving, and deserve better than his funk nasty ass. At that point it's time to get all your girlfriends together and celebrate you being free. Awesome post!

Thank you for your honesty... it helps others more than you'll ever know.

You are a strong person, and I know some days it probably doesn't feel like it. But you are... always remember that.

Laurie-- damn, you are an amazing writer. Thank you for your posts.

Yay!! So so so glad you're getting through this. You can't get to these truths until you're ready for them -- no way around it. My (divorced) fave cousin put it best after someone walked out on me after 6 years, lying all the way: You've gotta do your time. The confusion, the unbearable sadness, it's like being in jail. But you've gotta do your time there. No way out of it.

Oh yeah -- have a fab time in Paris, where folks appreciate their wine!

The one thing no one tells you is that all the rest of us are flawed too. And if you and I both keep it all in, each too afraid to let the other see the warts and all, what are we? Alone, that's what.

Furthermore, I have *5* cats.

I still stand by my recommendation of "Living Out Loud: The Movie," that film with Holly Hunter, Queen Latifah, and Danny Davito. It's a quiet little gem of a movie.

Your version is still funnier, but you need to hook up with Queen Latifah so she can sit on the guy in the left hand side of the picture. Love her! Love you! Take care.

Hi, Shannon here, Frequent reader, in-frequent commenter. I read your blog everyday for the raw, the live out loud way to put things out there. To be reminded that I am not the only gal with a dangerous love affair with wine & yarn and a sometimes sketchy past. Not the only woman in the world who expirience akward moments, or less than perfect hair days (and really red cheeks too!) Keep going, keep being you.

Laurie - it seems to me that his leaving had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You are handling it in the best way possible. There is someone out there who deserves someone as nice as you.

I am going through a divorce also. The rejection sucks. But I know there are good things at the end of the tunnel.

I wanted to grab a Sharpie & draw an ugly moustache & zits all over the rest of his visible face. But that would really jack up my monitor.

The only observation I can make here is wahoo for honesty & honest livin'. I'll bet all my yarn Mr.X is still living a life riddled with lies, most of them ones he tells himself. That's an empty hollow darkness at the end of the day, and fitting punishment for his behavior. Of course, I'm always a fan of locusts & open sores, too.

Amen to those commentors who indicated HE was the one who left. Who couldn't bear to change his life with integrity. Who acted like a 16 yr old running away from home. Who can run, but can not hide from the lostness of his life. Following your journey for the past year, I've seen you LOL (an abbreviation I like more than 'laugh out loud'), get your finances in order, stop smoking, plan a dream trip to France, and take care of yourself and your feline companions. Sounds like a pretty successful life to me.

Keep on keepin' on providing inspiration and motivation for us, your faithful stalkers.

I hope you know how wonderful and lovely and amazing you are. Honestly. If I ever get to California, I want to meet you and give you a big hug.

Sounds like you're the one who got back in touch with her creativity, here. In spades. You can WRITE, girl.

So HA! on him.

He SO did not deserve you, and furthermore he wasted the time he had with you by lying. He'll spend the rest of his life in seedy little hotel rooms (if not in fact, then in his cramped and lying little mind) and he'll never find his "creativity" because he can't stop lying and live out loud. You are so much the better person!

Mine lied too. About everything. I think it was all about control and insecurity for him. He lied about his finances, he lied about his work, he lied about sleeping around, he lied about illegal internet stuff, he lied to my father and told him I was an alcoholic and that *I* was the one who was never home. He told me I was special and that I was the only one who was "good enough" for him to let into his personal life.

It's been 5 years now since it all blew up and I became a divorcee. It was a rough road, but damn girl, living an honest life has been rich and rewarding and I am so glad that I know what shades of untruth do to a relationship - any relationship.

I admire how you're handling this, *and* how well you write. :)

Jackie

WOW! I can't add anything except when I add a goatee and earing to whats left of his face - all I see is CHEESBALL.

um - pardon my spelling errors! CheesEball

um - pardon my spelling errors! CheesEball

very powerful CAP, thank you for sharing with us.

WELL WELL WELL we meet again... I've dropped in to check up on yourself, did you get my wish of "Happy Valentines"? Anyway I know what kind of hell your going through, IT SUX! The relationship I've endured was not as long as yours, but equally as painful. All I thought I was doing was helping her out and giving her all of my love, for what, LIES and Deceit. In the end its fucking hard to say it was not worth it. You know what I'm saying? Now the next step, trying to put your trust into a new person, whats the chances they will turn out like the last? Who knows! But i can tell you this My Aunty, GO GET LAID. (haha) Well that was step one for me! Much love, take care of yourself.

Maybe that's why people stay in crappy relationships, too? Because it's so hard to admit we messed up?
You didn't actually reveal anything, but I feel like I know so much more about you (not that I know shit), and like you so much more. I think I should tell you - I've done some really stupid things, and been hurt, too. Time to get up and get on.

just from that half blacked out picture of Mr. X. well, he kinda looks like an asshole. cheeseball smiles=asshole.

you keep on keeping on Crazy Purl, and we'll keep on reading about it.

You are perfect in your own way, perfect and loveable. It wasn't you, it was HIM. (the jerk!)

You are an amazing writer, Laurie. We will all be able to say "we knew when you just had a blog"!

He left because he was intimidated by what a shockingly better person you were than he.

Laurie-with men like our ex's it's no wonder woman can become so bitter. My ex lied to me from day 1, on so many levels. To the point I thought I was crazy, cuz his stories changed so often. I got tired of hearing "someday when we're divorced"... and found what was left of my brain and left him-oh the tragedy-for a control freak to have no control for once! It was the best thing I ever did. He still gets me once in a while, the kicker was standing in court during our fabulous property settlement hearing and him saying out loud, what I had discovered years earlier that my wedding ring was....fake! Go figure. My only gratification is that his new wife has the same style and all ring....could be mine, since mine came up "missing". I believe in karma, he'll get his someday, just wish I was there for the reckoning!

Love you girlfriend, you say what I feel alot, kudos for your bravery. WE are better on our own, and it makes us stronger to weed out what we DON'T want in a man.

Dana

Good God Girl! You speak to so many. You pull on the heartstrings and force so many of us to say "OMG.. I'm not alone when I feel like _____". There is a whole world of people out here on these internets who drink to you everytime they open a hearty cabernet or pour a cold sweet tea. Always live out loud. Always live for yourself. If anyone doesn't like it, screw 'em. Take me as I am or go away. *Hugz*

Laurie -
I've been reading your blog for nearly a year - ever since Anmiryam sent me here. I'm neither a knitter nor a blogger (nor a commenter, for that matter), but just wanted to say "way to go".

What you don't realize is that when you say "he left me" and you're hearing in your head "because I'm not good enough", the reality is that that isn't what the person you're speaking to has in their heads. I've seen enough of you in your writing to know with certainty that what everyone who hears you say "he left me" has in their heads is "because he was a selfish idiot". The people who hear your say "he left" see failure only on Mr. X's part, not yours!

wow.

You are getting better and better. What you need now is a trip. Go ahead - go to Paris and enjoy. Any country that calls brandy l'eau de vie (tr: water of life) has got to be great.

Um, don't you have any brothers who could pay a little smack down visit to this jack-ass!

ah, u r still learning, and allowing yourself to be who u r at any given moment...this is good! we learn this during these times of complete life trauma... i AM who i AM right now. accept me or get lost! i am imperfect, yet not apologizing about it... world...this is me living "out loud" as the human i am...

the boyfriend i loved before my hubby, i gave so many concessions to... and then the lies were revealed and i could no longer trust him... my future with him was no longer able to be trusted as stable (and life's hard enough, no?) so i broke off our relationship...heartbreaking, but i listened to my inner voice that time....it wasn't MY fault that he was a liar... it was his own personal problems...

now, my hubby is an exaggerator when retelling stories, but no downright lying that would question my trust in him. so the base of our relationship seems to be solid there...

girl, i can't imagine why you take so much blame for his/ex idiotic personality issues! YOUR only mistake was looking past his serious faults with love in your heart... and you have learned to trust your inner voice/warning flag now i hope....

Darlin' he's the fuck up and the failure. Don't doubt that for a minute. He sounds like a soul-less freak.

Livin' out loud should be your scream! A big fat scream that says "I'm not broken, asshole. You are!"

Stay frosty.

All men lie. Women lie, too. Knowing that the cycle must stop creates the space for truth to thrive. You're there in that space, and your life is now expanding, isn't it? More and more amazing people are at your side! Truth feeds trust.

I'm behind the 8-ball with blogging, but I wanted to send my encourangement and thanks to you.

He did like about needing his creativity back, but the idea that anything was better than you is also a lie. I suspect you know this. He has something very, very dark and messe dup inside him and he has been running from it, for a long time by the sound of the lies and facade he built. He's hiding from himself, and he knew you were vulnerable and he used that ot his advantage. I went through a similar situation with my divorce, and all it was was my then husband self destructing. I had to go through some hell in the process but I am stronger now and so are you!

My husband is a liar. I've been telling myself that it's just small stuff. That he wouldn't lie about something big. How stupid is that?

I've finally stood up for myself and told him that it is really important to me that he gets some counseling. I also told him that if it weren't for the children, I would have left long ago (if he continued to go without counseling).

Now I'm scared, but I'm also feeling much lighter.

It helps knowing that lots of other people have gone through, are going through something similar. We truely are not alone, though sometimes it feels like we are.

Laurie (CAP),

Thank you. I admire you everyday for yoru ability to live out loud. I wish I could. Your ex - Jerk. And you know what his leaving gave you? Power. Power over yourself, and the ability to find yourself. To Love yourself. Even if he made you doubt yourself for a little. It gave you anger, and insightfulness (sp?). He has given you the opportunity to refind yourself, what YOU need, what YOU want, what YOU have. He gave you back YOU. And that is a precious commodity. He also gave us you, and I love that about you. Your ability to share yourself with the world, with us who read you every day. I enjoy reading your posts, the humerous, the knitting, and the achingly beautiful inside of your heart. We are all flawed, and have problems in someway shape, or form. But the difference between our flaws and his, is that we are able to GROW, to CHANGE, to be who we were meant to be, instead of hiding and groveling, and running.

The best quote I ever recieved from my mother after a horrible break up:
"Losing him does not matter. It is you who will be found, and charished!" -The Joy Luck Club.

You keep on keeping on girl. Do what you need. GET MAD! Get Sad, but above all, keep on being you!

Love you!

Just remember Laurie, that if Mr. X hadn't lied and left, you would still be in debt, smoking, sleeping with a stranger, and IN DENIAL. I say he did you a great favor. You're a funny, eloquent person and he was never worthy of you.

I just found your blog three days ago and what a treat is has been to read your posts! Girl, you are beautiful (yep, I've seen the photos), talented(yep, I've read all your posts)and have an amazing sense of humour (I laughed out while reading The Insane Kitty Posse). And you're an honest writer. Don't you beat yourself up over Mr.Ex. You're life is going to be sooo much better without him in it. Go to Paris, drink good wine, laugh with new friends and start a few love fires of your own. Then return to California (or maybe stay in Paris?!)refreshed and feeling damn good about yourself!

Susanna

You just keep getting better and better. Living out loud - wow. I think I need it too.

The truth is sort of simple...

"He was a dope."

"He didn't have the strength to deal with me/my cats/our lives together (or whatever)."

"He was gutless."

And I could go on and on. Sure it is a defense mechanism, but it is The Truth, isn't it? I mean, he bailed, right? Doesn't that make him the chicken-shit in all of this?

But, I think, as others have said, he did you a favor--you'd still be living with that liar if he hadn't finally revealed himself.

He lied. They lie. I used to think they ALL lied. But they don't all lie. Just the asshole fucking bastards lie. But then, bad stuff happens to them, you know, karma. I found that the one thing that helped me most was owning my part. My gullability in the face of the obvious deceptions. My denial of the situation. My insistance that I live with the lies. Once I owned my part in the thing, it was mine to do with as I pleased. I chose to let it go. If you can't own it - if it's all on someone else, you can never escape it. Own it. Then let it go. Peace.

When a person decides to leave a relationship -- for whatever reason -- it is NEVER about the other person. It is always (and only) about the one who leaves.

Laurie..
You are doing so well, especially since it hasn't been all that long!!! You keep going!! Just a comment from someone who's been there too...married to a liar, a cheater and a thief (even stole all the money from his kids college savings accounts!)NEVER ask WHY? why did he go , why didnt i do this or that, why didn't he love me, why wasn't i good enough? the why's go on and on.. don't ask those questions. First and foremost .. they don't apply. you are good enough , nice enough , woman enough and more!!! He just wasn't enough in so many ways and on so many levels. HIM not YOU.
So, pick up that self esteem and dust it off, shake it out, put it back on cause it still fits.. no one is strong enough to take it from you (even ex's). Keep being honest and truthful and most importantly true to yourself..((HUGS))

Laurie, it sounds like you are so lucky to be rid of that asshole, even if he did break up in a chickenshit way.

I can only repeat what so many of us have said: You are not a failure, by any measure. He is. (barrage of invective against Mr. X snipped because he ain't worth it.)

One foot in front of the other, that's the only way to get anyplace worth going to.

Blessings --

Big. Dumb. (Fucking) Jerk.

I hope all the hair on his head starts sliding down onto his back and his ass.

HE'S the big loser.

And you keep on living out loud, ya hear?!?!

Laurie, this is why I started reading your blog in the first place -- your honesty. And because your honesty sounded very similar to my own.

Just remember that everything happens for a reason.

I will kick my son's AZZ if I ever find out he treated someone like that bastard treated you.

Mr. X's Mama should be ashamed.

Cut him out of those pictures...or better yet, put them in a box and seal it shut with duct tape until such point as you can look at them without pain.

He was the flawed one.

You know what, sometimes it's ok to be mad. Yell. Hollar. Thow things. Have a good cry, and a glass of wine. Tommorow is a new day.

Auntie: Go find the Vanity Fair article in which Jennifer Aniston talks about her breakup with BP. It sounds an awful lot like your situation. Crazy Aunt Purl and Jennifer Aniston! Two of my favorite people. Hugs to you.

Hi hon, I strongly agree with what Mo said in her comment... YOU DID NOT FAIL.

If he didn't want you it is not because you are not good enough but the you were not what he wanted. You shouldn't use what that one man wants as a scale of your worthiness. That is skewed and not accurate. Does that sounds harsh? I'm sorry if it is but please remember that mr. ex is not the standard.

What Joan wrote about becoming her own person is so important and I hope that Living Out Loud, your friends/family or just your inner strength helps you get there. You've got serious ..nads.. to put all this out there and I really appreciate your honesty. Good luck. XO

You are a brave woman and you are doing great. Next step is to live out screaming (LOS). It works. No one will DARE mess with you then :--)

I was going to post almost exactly what Mo said, but she already said it.

So I'll just add--stop thinking that the reasons for your divorce are all on YOUR shoulders. It's not. Just reading so many of the other comments should make you realize that lots of women have give 150% (or more, usually more) to a doomed relationship and it hasn't worked. And include me in that group. Why? Because the jackasses we were married to gave 1%--on a good day.

I think you should be commended for keeping your marriage together for a decade. If you'd been any less strong and creative, it wouldn't have fallen apart a lot sooner.

And please, keep Living Out Loud. I love it.

I'm running late for work, but I had to read, and I tried to read all the comments....and now wish to comment myself.

Mine, he said we were no longer going down the same path. I told my family it was because he was no longer in love with me and was sleeping with his campagin manager, which was far closer to the truth than that "path" business. How do you tell a 70-yr old mexican woman (my mom) about a path? Whatever.

Today is my 1 yr anniversary in Tahoe. A year ago today I was still waiting for my divorce to come through, but far far far away from him and his trauma.

Hugs to you Aunt Purl!!

Thank you for sharing this with us. So many times you have written things that are exactly what I am feeling & I only wish I could express it as beautifully as you do

What a strong post!
And, good for you.

As a woman who was left by a husband with a three month old some years back without a word as to why he left...except that I was not fun anymore since the baby...and he felt like he had lost his wife before he even knew her...we dated six years before getting married! He just wasnt ready to be a husband or a daddy. But, he had to break my self esteem and then stomp on it before he left.
I am happy you are moving on now...it took me three years to recover from my exs mental abuse.
It is not you...it is him.

at least he didn't leave you with a kid. i imagine he'd receive a lot of hate mail if your readers ever found out who he was or any contact information...
and at least you're not paranoid; it's better to be pissed off than paranoid. my bf's parents just got divorced. his mom is paranoid that his dad is trying to screw her over, so she put all the money from the joint account into hers, got a boob job and a mercedes, and got a year long restraining order. now the account is frozen and she's got to pay all the money back. they couldn't settle so they had to sell the house; she has to move out of it at the end of the month, but with no fluid money, she can't find a place to move into. it's stupid; the dad was going to give her everything anyway until she slapped the TRO on him and took ALL the money.

The key words in the phrase are Living and Loud.
You've got the first one down...and as for the second? We hear you.

Stich on sister girl...

He was a liar, an idiot, and an all around no account scoundrel. He did not deserve you, and you certainly did not deserve a shithead like him. I have an ex-shithead too -- they suck, and it sucks to have one. However, life does go on, sometimes like it or not. And you, my dear, are so so SO PRECIOUS. I hope it brings you comfort of some kind to know that all of us who are commenting, and a lot of us who aren't, are causing him to BE TALKED ABOUT! Exponentially, if enough folks read this blog and TALK ABOUT him, there will be no safe place for him on the entire planet where he would not have to hang his head in utter shame and humiliation, because we'd all know how worthless he is.

Hang in there, sugar -- you 100% TOTALLY ROCK.

You are livin' open and hard, good for you -- tough stuff, but I just want to add my voice to the chorus of You Go Girl!

honesty is always the easiest and hardest choice.

here's where i would say some supportive and insightful stuff if i wasn't all migrainey.

oh- just because a person lies, and just because their feelings change doesn't mean he didn't mean it at the time.

clearly he loved you. you spent a long time together. remembering the good stuff can also be hard, but that's where you find the hope you need to move on.

I love reading what you write- and todays really hit home. Clearly I'm not alone from the volume of comments. But if you make it this far down, know that you are doing the right thing.

Off the topic, but I might have to move to LA for training. I was dreading it, but now I want to move there and drink wine with you!

I also meant to add that it's your honesty that helped me cope with my own liar. Seriously, just knowing that I wasn't alone in my feelings... well, my furbabies were very happy I got out of bed to feed them. That is all I have to say about that.

Karma's a bitch. He'll get his.

Oh, honey, they never leave unless they have a place to go. Doesn't he have a new tootsie? Don't you think that tootsie was waiting for him just like a spider (Mammy knew everything, did she not)?

Ultimately, the sad truth boils down to--it's not you, it's him. My wisest friend would say, it's a failure of love--his.

You're the coolest blogger ever x

Thank you once again.
I love You.

You go, honey! :)

I have been lurking here for quite some time and I just HAD to comment today... from one southern lush to another...you are not an alcoholic, they are ashamed of their drinking and go to meetings. You drink your wine (drink the whole damn bottle if ya want) and love your kitties and let go of all the self doubt. You are fantastic and I think Mr.(pussy)X did us all a favor! All of us would have never been introduced to your wit and charm without him, and do you really think you would be able to live out loud if he were still around? Things do indeed happen for a reason, even if the reason is not apparent at the time...lets just hope all the women that cross his path in the future have met Crazy Aunt Purl and be forwarned...karma is a bitch and WILL visit him shortly I suspect. You just hold your head high and keep being the awesome person you are!

Darling, trust me on this one, it's not you it was HIM, you don't need to carry his baggage anymore so put it down and let it go.

Have you ever heard the saying the best revenge is living well? Well that's what you do.

When you start feeling sorry for yourself - pick your butt up and head to the gym. Work off all that anger and you will be looking so fit and fine, if you should happen to run into the pond-sucking-scum-bag he won't even recognize you at first and when he does he'll be kicking his ass that he left you.

I know this isn't easy, it's a big hit to your self-esteem for sure. And I'm not going to lie to you but this is going to take a while to get past it. The key is keeping it focused on doing what's best for you, because you are numero uno now. You don't have to answer to anybody but yourself, so take very good care of yourself.

We are all here rooting for you.

I've been in your shoes, I promise it gets better. One thing my father told me as I was going through the nastiness, doubting myself severely - he asked me if I was 100 percent in charge of my marriage. When I answered no, he said, "Then YOU didn't fail." You're best revenge will be living well!!

Book, baby, book.

You are a gifted writer, and maybe his leaving, was actually a gift to lead you to write in a way that touches so many people, on a daily basis. Plus, think of the revenge of being more successful, creatively, than he will ever be.

That f*ing jerk better stay away from us knitters, cause he would get the ass-kicking of his LIFE at any Stitch & Bitch gathering he might accidentally stray into... It's Mr X! Prepare the metal needles!

Loved your post today! Forwarded the link to a friend who is approaching one year without the loser from hell. So much of what you said was exactly what she experienced and I wanted her to see that she is not alone.

She too is sucessfully Living Out Loud! Yay for ballsy women and non asshat men!

Good for you! It's hard to say the honest things, the truthful things. Because you wonder if people are gonna think you were crazy, are crazy or just not okay in general.

Having had a pretty messed up life myself growing up (we won't go Freudian here and talk about how I feel about my mother, but you know) I understand how it can be hard to be honest about things you try not to think about your ownself. But ever since I chose to "live out loud" myself...I feel a lot better. Life is better.

You are who you are. You live your life for you!

I tried to explain to a man once that lying took away my choice to be involved with the person I want to be involved with - that his lies made the whole relationship a fantasy. He didn't get it.

You will get to the point when you don't feel like you are flawed because a man who was too weak to be honest left you. I am looking forward to reading that post. :)

Dearest -

Remember, he was lying to himself too. Now, you have taken this opportunity (that he did not give you - you took!) to refashion your life. To love all of the things that he made you feel weird about. To explore things that were desires in your heart but not so much in his. To be you without "we" which is actually a great gift that you give yourself - and by the way, "I" is way more powerful than "we". It means you have the courage to stand on your beliefs.

xo

Laurie darlin! You rock girlfriend!
I was going to blather away but Amanda said what I am feeling so eloquently. I will add that I am 10 years older than you (am mistaken for 10 years younger though), refuse to lie about it and have never married. I love my wine, freedom, friends and if a man cannot handle it, then there's the highway.

You have cojones my dear and at the risk of sounding corny want to tell you that life has given you lemons and you have made lemonade!!

well if any man is ever found strangled by an Addi Circular needle there will be hundreds of suspects....

you rock...
i tried my hand today...on the blog. with the LOL thing.
right now i feel like i just ran naked through the opening ceremonies of the olympics.
*looks for xanax bottle*

When I kicked my first husband out (he left but I made him. Living with someone who seethed with hatred was something I could no longer endure) I told myself I'd buy all the shoes and books I wanted. I spent whole days in silk pajamas playing the piano. I called in sick to work and sat in my backyard listening to the birds. I worked all the puzzles in the Sunday paper before I did a damned thing. I did a lot of "selfish" stuff I never did in my marriage and I loved it.

I always thought I'd have to put this selfishness away if I ever got married again. I cringed with dread at how unattractive any future mate would find the unwashed, unbrushed me being lazy in my jammies all day Sunday.

This past Sunday, as I sat unwashed and unbrushed in my cashmere jammies at 1:00 PM finishing the last of the Sunday puzzles (those Monster Sudokus are a mother) I just giggled and mentally thanked husband #2 for being such a doll.

Anyone who doesn't appreciate the true you, Laurie, is a complete waste of your time. Including Mr. X.

Good for you. As another member of the asshole lying ex club, I can so totally relate. (Short answer: never date a sociopath).

Two things.
1. Assholes exist so that we can fully appreciate the non-scummy people out there.
2. I'll bet you now have a super clear idea of exactly which personality traits you refuse to deal with.
3. You've got a new set of personality red flags to use when evaluating others.

My ex taught me which qualities were most important to me: honesty, loyalty, reliability, functional adulthood (SUCH A BIGGIE) because he had NONE of them.

When you're fully back on your emotional feet, just remember--don't settle. You deserve to be treated well, loved, and respected and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

I'm so proud of you, Laurie. I've been fortunate enough not to have gone through a divorce or ugly breakup. But about a year and a half ago, my bestfriend of 13 years broke my heart. She lied, cheated, stole, and then left without a trace. It broke me. It robbed me of my self-worth. A few weeks ago, she called out of the blue, wanting to talk, to apologize, to mend. And I've been struggling with myself, wanting to be strong, to stand on my own and move on, but also wanting my friend back. But she wasn't my friend. Friends don't do that to friends. And I'm gaining strength from you to honor myself. Not to compromise myself for the sake of maintaining history. History is nothing if it's full of lies. Why on earth would I think it would be different this time around? Thank you for helping me to see that.
You're awesome, Laurie. emilie

How about writing Aunt Purl's Living Out Loud guidebook for the rest of us.

I think you're doing great! Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise (especially those stupid little "what ifs" in the back of your mind). Read your own post again when you need to hear it. "He lied." "He left." He, not you. Hang in there, girlie. You're loved by more people than you know.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0312152906/thesneeze-20/103-4669956-9959838?creative=327641&camp=14573&link_code=as1

perfect for the owner of cats! =)

I love this. I think you're terribly courageous, and real, and funny, and I am glad I'm not the only person in the world who feels the need to do some serious self-examination and call 'bullshit' on myself every once in a while. It takes a hell of a lot of guts, and dude. I raise my glass of scotch to you.

Plus, you know. I'm here for the cat pics. ;D

If he lied about his age 10 years ago, you can only imagine what he is lying about now.

I recently renewed my drivers license and when they asked if there were things I needed to change I told them to adjust my weight upward to what it is now and not what I said it was five years ago. The woman had to get a supervisor to come over and show her how to do it since no one ever asks them to do that. It was kind of scary and liberating at the same time. At least no skinny beyotch is going to steal my identity.

I absolutely love that you Live Out Loud - you've inspired me. And yes, it is hard. I've often wondered why everyone, including me, is so afraid of the truth. I think it hurts much less than lies do. I'm sorry that you've been so hurt - thank you for Living Out Loud and inspiring so many to do the same!

Hey, you know: you are better off without him! I am holding up my glass of Carbenet to you for a toast!

Here's an idea--start visiting wine blogs and flip thru a couple issues of wine spectator--you definitely don't have to be a wine snob to be a wine connoisseur, and you don't have to spend tons of $$ either. You're in a great part of the country for it--and definitely get some bubbly a couple times a month to enjoy--that's fun too!

Your life out loud is a continued inspiration for me to do the same. You rock.

There you are! I think we finally got a glimps of the real you! I've been waiting for you to get to this point; it's the most mentally healthy thing you've done in the year that I've been reading your life story. Hoo-rah!

And trust me; honesty gets so much easier as time goes on, mostly because you don't have to remember any past lies:p

Mr. X didn't leave becasue of you. He left because of HIM. If he's too cowardly to accept his choices instead of blaming you then that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

Unhappy people love to blame their inadequacies on others; it feeds their egos and frees them of responsibility.. Don't feel bad about you...it was HIS problems that made him leave not yours.

Try to be happy that someone else gets to deal with Mr. Douchebag every day and not you. What a lucky girl you are that you didn't spend 20 years and 3 kids with him before he decided to leave.

I'm so very proud of you!!! (and I have 6 cats!!!)

Well Mo beat me to the punch. Sweetie, keep living out loud!!

Love and Laughter,
Amy

>

GOOD FOR YOU! Keep on, keepin' on. He wasn't a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow-type, ya know? His actions, to me, say, "I'm a loser and I need to find some loser things to do in life." Be happy he didn't drag you along his loser path. I mean, who leaves his wife to go find themself and be creative? Only a loser who doesn't know himself well enough!

I must say, living out loud was the best thing I ever did when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I got real, and quick. I became MYSELF....AGAIN...but it felt like the first time. I didn't have a solid relationship for another 5 years afterward, one year for every year I was with my ex. It took a loooooooonnnnnggggg time to get past it all. And I'm much better off now, and you will be too.

You are a total badass. After reading this, I feel like I can be strong about things that haven't even happened to me, as well as the stuff that has.

Don Miguel Ruiz: The Mastry of Love

The only book that I have ever read that made me realize why I've been in the relationships I have, and gave me the strength to accept them and move on, enjoying the present day, simply happy to be alive. I highly recommend it to everyone, but most especially the borken-hearted and "dumpees" among us.

Going back to my normal spot, the yarn-obsessed lurker.

Hi - long time stalker reader, first time commentor... I read your post early this morning and then had to dash. You could have written the first two sentences about me, all morning I thought about your "Living Out Loud" and your processing of events out in the open for us all to learn from. I know I have, you gave me the courage to start a blog, it’s very pithy and I’m tech-challenged – still screwing up the courage to be more honest in the writing -- and I don’t have time to write everyday (more baby steps in the process). Self-honesty and out-loud living is something I struggle with all the time. Living out loud takes lots of courage and a whole lot of accountability, someday I hope to be able to be as honest as you, my dear!

Thanks so much for sharing and for your great ‘purls of wisdom’ – I am enjoying and learning from this ‘handbasket journey’ with you!

Here’s to one day being: LOL LOL & LOL (little old ladies laughing out loud and living out loud!)

Sweet One. Someday, you'll look back on these days, look uncomfortable and change the subject. Until then, I am busting an unhibited yet sadly ungracefull move on your behalf. You are perfectly, wonderfully, magnificently brave.

Sweet One. Someday, you'll look back on these days, look uncomfortable and change the subject. Until then, I am busting an unhibited yet sadly ungracefull move on your behalf. You are perfectly, wonderfully, magnificently brave.

It's so terrible being involved with a liar. I dated a few, and the weirdest thing is how, as time goes by after you break up and realize you were with a liar (because I am very gullible and it took a really long time for me to figure that one out... more than once), you slowly realize how all those things you thought you knew about the person you loved, were just stories. I have no idea who three people I loved were.

You are amazing. I feel like I keep leaving the same comment again and again, but your blog entries are very moving. I'm grateful that you share so much of yourself and your... journey, for lack of a better word.

It's so terrible being involved with a liar. I dated a few, and the weirdest thing is how, as time goes by after you break up and realize you were with a liar (because I am very gullible and it took a really long time for me to figure that one out... more than once), you slowly realize how all those things you thought you knew about the person you loved, were just stories. I have no idea who three people I loved were.

You are amazing. I feel like I keep leaving the same comment again and again, but your blog entries are very moving. I'm grateful that you share so much of yourself and your... journey, for lack of a better word.

My heroine!

They are all right...it *was* him that failed. My ex walked out on our marriage unexpectedly and without any meaningful reasons. The ironic twist was that he wanted to keep dating. I mean WTF?

It sucked, I was lonely, I thought I had failed...but I learned a lot. For one, suddenly my too small house was just about perfect. I had a sewing room and craft room! Then, I realized that I was okay on my own. I never quit got over the feeling that I failed...the last thing my father said to me when he moved away was *don't drive this one off* and pointed to my then boyfriend. It only hurt because some part of me believed him. I think, as southern women, we are trained from birth to blame themselves when things are not picture perfect.

Anyway, it does get better. I can now see that he did me a huge favor by walking out on me. I am happier than I have ever been.

Thanks for the great blog. :-)

Your honesty means everything to me. To see that I am not alone -- because when your seemingly great life falls apart and you deal first-hand with everything the end means...failure, embarassment, hurt, humiliation, shame, rage, despair...the list is endless - you feel utterly alone. You are brave. And the road back to life, or a better and different life than you planned, is not smooth. Good days, weeks, then a bad hour, a bad weekend, and then back to smooth ride again. The hardest thing for me is falling asleep at night and remembering everything. The ebb and flow of daily life. The comfort in just talking while brushing teeth. The smell of his neck as you fall asleep and wrapped up in blankets, legs, cat, dog, your life. And then one day it is all a fiction and this neck, this familiar piece of anatomy, this smell that is warmth and humanity and love and all yours, is suddenly so frighteningly scarily absolutely foreign. How is it that life does this? How do you get past it? How can it all make sense in retrospect? I hate that I remember the neck and how it made me feel. It is all hard. You don't make it easier, no one can, but you make it less solitary and for that I really am grateful. No one knows what your love was or can easily sum up the end. But the suffering can be universal. Thanks, Laurie.

Having just gotten a 'reason' for what was a main part of the marriage breakdown about two weeks ago, I gotta tell ya, not so sure I wanted to know....but then, I did. Made some sense. Then it didn't, then it did....then I drank, and called and told my best friend WHAT THE HELL he had written. Oy! Thank god for red wine.

Yes, I'm one of those who just found your blog a few days ago, and I am loving it. Keep living out loud. Keep telling the truth. I admire your honesty so much.

I have to reiterate what has already been said:

HE is the one who failed.
HE is the one who is flawed!

Not you, girlie. NOT you. Stay true to you and the real thing will show up. You seem to good of a catch for that NOT to happen.

very powerful post.

what a piece of shit of a man. i'm so so sorry. but: what goes around comes around. it really does.

hang in there kiddo.

lovely piece ... I recently lost my best friend ... not a spouse ... it SUCKED ... this post just says exactly what was on my mind ... keep on Living Out Loud ... you're the best ... I love red wine {ok, I love fruity wines better, have a bit of a sweet tooth} ... and I get my first cat next month after it's been weaned off ...

he looks kinda "pretty" in the photo, though his eyes are blacked out. maybe he left you for another man and was too much of a pussy to tell you? yeah, that's it. he certainly has that look.
i'm feeling evil today!

What g said....Book, Baby, Book. Honestly. Lying about one's age, etc... is not "creative" but what YOU are doing CERTAINLY is!!!!

I must rain on the parade on two points: red wine is not for me (Loudon Wainwright's "Mother Liked her White Wine" was sent to me by my twenty-something kids), and please don't become attached to any one acronym (living out loud) -- it's a bit too much like the "read women" thing. I'm not sure what it means, but you are certainly more than any acronym. Boy, am I a grinch! But, the book is a wonderful idea, or surely there's a newspaper that would love to publish your daily column! (Watch out, Dave Barry!) I don't think good writing ever sprang from happy, happy, people.
Donna

That would be "Real Women". Must be the w.w.

Wow. Just.. wow. Someone left a comment on my lj and mentioned you, that I'd prolly like to read some of your posts.

I'm still dealing with my soon-to-be-ex-husband of 13 years telling me he didn't want to be married to me, he doesn't and may have not ever loved me, and he wanted to get on with his life without me. I'm still mired in the muck of figuring out what my defect was, what could make him feel such contempt and loathing for everything I did and didn't do.

I'm going back and reading some more, I think this may just be what I need right now.

Thanks once again for speaking truth to power.

There's a discussion on the Salon Magazine boards that you really ought to see:

http://www.salon.com/tt/post/2006/02/24/post/

My most recent ex-boyfriend told me once, when we were first dating, that I had a lot of vices. And then proceeded to list them. One of them was sex.

What kind of idiot tells the girl he's just started sleeping with that sex is one of her vices?

What kind of girl stays with him for another four miserable months?

This girl, that's who.

I still can't believe the shit I take from guys. But every day that goes by, every ski jump I take where I get mad air, every time I refuse to shave my legs and refuse to weigh myself, refuse to count calories, every time I walk my dog, every time I work out so hard that I have bruises, every time I wake up after a long night of clubbing alone, hungover, and perfectly content...

that's a Crazy Aunt Purl Day!