« Reason #274 Why I Did Not Make My Bed Today | Main | The Co-Worker Scarf »

February 2, 2006

February 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

February is funky.

You may think it's because we're in the doldrums of winter, or because February contains Valentine's Day (a.k.a. "the day when I can only assume the rest of the free world is getting lucky and I am watching a CSI re-run and eating microwave popcorn for dinner hate you hate you.") But it's really a planetary issue.

Listen, when Mercury is in Uranus (HAH HAH HAH) we all feel a little uncomfortable in our private parts. Lots of surprise communications. A full moon on the 13th, with Venus un-retrograding and Jupiter humping through the zodiac. Ya'll. There's just a lot going down in the stars for this, the Short Month To Crazy.

Advice to all signs: Chocolate goes great with red wine.


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Would you like fries with that Quarter Pounder of Stress? Your commitments to school or work combined with the constant demands from your family and friends have you near the end of your rope this month. That urge to escape your life and run on autopilot is particularly strong near month's end. You might begin harboring serious fantasies of sitting alone on a mountaintop and pondering your navel. Take a deep breath, clear you calendar for at least one full day in February, and commit to some serious alone time before you become commit-able. You may long for a padded room ... but I hear that straightjackets make your butt look big.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
It's half past backbone time. Remember when you thought your lucky number was 1-800-2PLEASE? Indeed, the people-pleaser gene is so strong in you that I sometimes wonder if you have ever done anything just to please yourself. Have you? Wait, don't answer that. Ya'll just start getting all defensive and that does neither of us any good. Try instead to remember your daydreams, the ones that involve you being successful and happy. Your real wants are right there, beneath the surface. As soon as you realize that the most important person to please is the person in that daydream, which by the way should be YOU, you'll be on your way.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Sure, some people may think you are self-centered or arrogant, but is it your fault that the universe has called upon you to be a born leader? Yes, sometimes you get so impatient waiting for things to happen that you make impulsive decisions. And, yeah, you often get frustrated when people don't catch on to things as quickly as you do, and so you get a little snappish. But who can blame you, right, it's just your nature. In February, please try to have some patience with those of us not quite up to speed yet. Also, with Mars finally vacating your Money house, you will cease being stressed about money all the time and you can finally take me to dinner. Hi!

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Use or be used. Ever heard that phrase? No? It's a little self-serving as far as mottos go, a relic from the "Me" years of the plastic 1980s (oh, how I loved you, sweet little 1980s. Come back to Crazytown.) During the self-help boom of the 1990s, such crash, selfish mottos became obscure while we dug deep, found the child within, took a course in miracles and Celestine Prophesied. Now it's the mid-to-late 2000s, and we're stuck in a sort of motto-less rut. I hope that February finds you developing a new personal motto, because I think every Taurus needs one. "Because I can!" sounds nice. So does "I am the captain of my own ship!" Aye, aye.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I don't usually start out with actual horoscope-y stuff, but Venus is un-retrograding this month on the 3rd, so that's good. For you. Who will need to sign something or make some decision or hell, just go shopping, and the planets say, "Yes!" After the 3rd, of course. And then Mars is going freaky and moving into Gemini on the 17th, which is Really. Really. Good. For. You. Now, about that shopping ... test drive a new pair of shoes, a skirt, a handbag (mmmm, handbags) or some other unexpected little treat. Whatever power struggle you have found yourself locked in for the past few weeks (months?) will be best resolved by walking away, and I suggest a walk to the nearest mall. The best route might involve a trip to the salon as well, for a pre-spring trim and a manicure. Ya'll have worn yourselves weary with constant over-analysis of a particularly thorny relationship, and you deserve a little retail therapy.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Lots of people talk all kinds of smack about Cancers, like how we're so sensitive, and moody and such little homebodies. But they never talk about the COOL things we are: we're very open to new ideas, we love to get introspective and work on improving ourselves, and we'll get our crazy on in the self-help aisle, ya'll know what I mean. We're creative and funny and know lots of useful trivia. Ok, maybe that last part was just me. So even if Valentine's Day has got you down, I don't want you to buy into the bad press. The skies are real funky for Cancer in February, but it's funky-good -- especially the full moon on the 13th and the New Moon on the 28th. Venus has been screwing with us since December, and we've all been asking, "Where is the love?" Our need to be acknowledged is second only to our need for melancholy, so this is a perplexing state for a Cancer. But everything we're doing now is laying the groundwork for the social upswing and happy summer ahead of us. Jupiter is hanging out in the Love house until the end of November, ya'll, so I might actually go on a date this year. And if I can do it, SO CAN YOU.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
BLAME SATURN. All that stuff that happened and kind of sucked? Blame Saturn. But later this month, once the Hallmark moments of Valentine's Day have faded like a bad memory, you'll begin to see a subtle shift in both your energy and your luck. I feel like I should be sending you HappyGrams or something, since the ick and muck of the past three months is (mostly) finally behind you. The full moon this month is in Leo, and I suspect you may be one of those getting lucky while I am home watching re-runs. I'm just saying is all. But I'm not hating on you -- you deserve this one. The metamorphosis from the grey days of winter to the hopeful weeks of spring may make you feel cocky. Swagger.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Build a shrine to gossip this month... you might as well, since you've been privy to your fair share of grapevine chatter these past few weeks. All the rumors and whispering can't obscure the reality of your situation, however, and setting out on the warpath of truth will do you no good. There is no reasoning with craziness, remember? So before you light a candle at the alter of justice, evaluate your position as clearly as possible and start planning some ways to deal with the invasive lunacy around you. The good news: YOU ARE NOT THE INSANE ONE.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
I'm so jealous! All the planets are lining up for Libras this month, first, there's Mars Moving into your Hot Mama house, and ya'll have a full moon in your Shiny Happy House and Venus is un-retrograding just in time to hang out in your house of Big Pimpin' ... now that's Astrology Gone Right. Go ahead and indulge in that post V-day red velvet heart full of chocolates. Feel smug. Your hard work last month is beginning to pay off, and the rewards are part of the goal!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Meet Super Scorpio, crimefighter extraordinaire, destroyer of evil, sole defender of free thinking! Super Scorpio is scouring the planet, making a mental list of who is naughty and who is deplorable, making it safe for the weaker zodiac signs to self-express. Our heroine is fighting off evil left and right! The Bullying Bad Guys are closing in fast, and the Lying Scum she battled just last month has reared his nasty head. Pop those villains like a pimple, Super Scorpio! Use your super-strength powers of intuition to stomp out bad choices! Evil is no match for your ability to accessorize! (Ya'll I am so sorry. I am totally stoned on cough syrup.)

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Unless it's the mental "Bag Lady Meets Flea Market" state you're after, you need to get busy and do some serious house cleaning. You are surrounded by clutter, both physically and metaphorically. One way of dealing with your stuff is to think of how happy it will make you to be free of it. The letting-go process is the easy part, it's the actual down-and-dirty of search and destroy that scares you. Make a list of every single thing that's annoying you -- from your leaning tower of laundry to the whiny friend who complains nonstop -- and get busy paring down. This month is no time for hanging on to the past if the past is kind of moldy and bringing you down. Purge, little Sag. Purge.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
There is a grace period for lethargy -- it's called February. It's the month that isn't really cold deep winter, but it's not yet the thaw of spring. No wonder it's characterized in classical literature by words like "bleak" "grim" and "dreary." This February gives you a full moon in Leo on the 13th, which is good for you to re-charge your little Cappy engine and falls in a peak time of a perfectly direct Venus, so shop now or forever hold your peace. Stupid Mercury is retrograding in March, so Hi, Jennifer? Let's go shopping this month for cute shoes for the Paris trip, because March will be Mercury-icky for shopping. Capricorns also have some love junk in their chart this month, all really good, and I'm not expounding because I'm sort of jealous and kind of need lunch. Love ya'll.

Posted by laurie at February 2, 2006 12:32 PM