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February 22, 2006

An Open Letter

Dear Higher Power,

If you're out there, please hear my prayer. I beg of you, don't let the 1980s come back in style.

You see, Higher Power, a few weeks ago, my friend Drew forwarded me an email from some designery-fashiony email list he's on, and apparently the editors of Vogue declared the 1980s "Back In Business!"

I promptly ignored it.

But lately I have noticed a disturbing trend in my fashion magazines, where it appears as if the blue eyeshadow, flat hair and sad fashion of the 1980s is coming back. It's very disconcerting (except for the blue eyeshadow ... love me some blue eyeshadow!) because that decade of horrifying, flammable style, if it can be called style, happened only a few years ago! A mere blip on the fashion timeline. If we let the 80s come back now, it will set a terrible precedent for fashion revival -- we'll have to re-live the 90s grunge period in just three years. And who wants to start wearing flannel again? I mean REALLY.

I know you are a kind and benevolent Higher Power, and you will understand how awful I look in perms and power suits ... especially if you're a female, which I'm banking on here. Bringing back the fashion of the eighties is a mistake for more reasons than I can comfortably list in a simple prayer, but let me try:

Those blouses that tie at the neck. Ruffles. The pouf skirt. Parachute pants. Acid wash. The BeDazzler. Multiple belts from Rave and rubber bracelets. Big ol' dangly earrings that stretch out your earlobes and get caught in your hair. Members Only jackets. The unfortunate combination of pink and lime green. Tucking jeans into your socks. Stretch lace. The mullet. Super-short haircuts encrusted in mousse. Airbrushed T-shirts. Michael Jackson's rhinestoned glove. Collars that stand up. Chaka Khan's hair, for God's sake! (Sorry about the name in vain thing. Whoops.) Have mercy on us all!

Clearly, I'm just one mortal and I can't tell you what to do, O Higher Power. But if you could see to it, in your divine wisdom, that the fashion of the 1980s is not resurrected, you would be saving humankind from acid wash jeans and muscle shirts! Together we can ensure a world safe for children, with no fear of gaucho pants or jumpsuits. Please, I beg of you! We're just not ready to resurrect the eighties. It could send shockwaves of disgust reverberating throughout the world of popular fashion for seasons to come. And, frankly, I just don't look good in shoulder pads. Will you consider it?

Love,
The One Who Hasn't Been To Confession In 16 Years

Posted by laurie at February 22, 2006 10:32 AM