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January 3, 2006

January 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

I met a lady once on The Farm in Summertown, and she was telling me about the different stages of Venus. I was eight years old. Because all eight-year-olds like to hear about planets moving into their house of so-and-so, right? My childhood. Normal as pie.

Anyway, this lady's name was Barbara, and she wore long skirts and ankle bracelets and had a fondness for zucchinni bread that I still do not understand to this day. She believed, as some do, that the date of birth does not define you astrologically, that in fact the date of conception makes you who you are.

Therefore, if my predicitions are off, blame it on all the zucchini bread, the retrograde of Venus, all the drugs they did back in the 60s ... and on you not knowing your date of conception! (Like I would ask my parents that. EWWWWW.)

Happy January!


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
There is nothing like a bikini wax to prove that beauty can be painful. And don't get me started on high heels, pantyhose and the torture we endure known as the thong. So, what is this metaphor and why is it in your horoscope? In January, you discover that nothing is effortless, even artful disguise. The beginning of a new year is daunting to Aquarians because it seems like there's just so much work to do. Luckily, all the effort (and pain) will be accompanied by some possible romance, especially as Venus retrogrades through February. Don't push yourself to make an unnecessary choice... but consider the pain/gain compromise. Even the dreaded thong cures panty lines.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Your scars are a legend of the places you've been, the roadmap of adventures you have had. The deeper your scars go, the more you need to use them as signposts and monuments to your personal travels. You've seen this month's pitfalls before. Look clearly at your emotional compass and you'll see you're about to run right back into a dead end. The upside is that I caught you just in time, and if you stop, and do a little turn to the left or right, you'll be off in a new direction. Pick your next steps carefully, especially around the new moon on the 29th. Your choices will color the coming months, and you'll either be repeating history or charting new territory.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
If I were eavesdropping on your psyche I'd wager you're grumbling about success, and measuring sticks, and possibly wondering why the vision of your life that you dreamed up so long ago seems to pale in comparison to so-and-so's life? Or maybe your own goals and expectations have you feeling about two inches tall? It's all the same thing. January looks challenging, because someone in your circle will find a way to point out your failures while simultaneously tootin' their own damn horn. Rest assured, you may not actually see the Karma Police in action giving citations to the creeps in your midst, but I dare you to outdo them. Success truly is the best revenge, and it is within your reach. You are way more than two inches tall. I promise.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You have had the psychic flu for way too long. Get out the hot tea and the emotional remedies that worked last year around this time and start doing some serious recuperating. Your addiction to the past is gonna put you in deep inner-rehab, and we can only hope you'll emerge like Drew Barrymore coming out of the Betty... a beautiful butterfly with a great comeback career and toned thighs instead of that withered old worm in the bottom of a fifth of Cuervo. It's your choice, really, and the sooner you realize that health and recovery are all in your own hands the better. The new moon on the 29th is your absolute final bottom-line "snap-out-of-it" day!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)

What a contradiction, like the way your eyes change colors when you get sleepy or tired or mad as hell. And how you always manage to have a striking good hair day the same exact morning you have an appointment to get the whole mess chopped off. Some people would call it bad timing ... I say it's a hidden blessing. Smolder. Have bed-head, why don't you. What you see as awkward and shy about you is someone else's vision of mystery and gamine charm. Always work the charm angle, it will endear you to women and make men fall at your feet. It isn't manipulative if you really are charming ... and I trust you to be polite and seductive at the same time. Yours is the only contradiction in the zodiac worth exploiting.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Did you know that approximately 3 billion people on the planet have never made or received a telephone call? That's half the earth's population. So before you get run-down and stressed-out and feeling like the world is passing you by on broadband cable while you're stuck on a 28.8 dial-up, take a deep breath and think ... "At least I'm in the phone half." See, you're already way ahead of half the world. Feel better? Understand that you will never know as much as you want to or reach every single goal or even have a perfectly clean house. Forget being in complete control. Take a deep breath make a list of things to do. Throw away the list. Have a cocktail and just breathe.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ever noticed what someone might recommend as "good" for you often feels like opression? This month the only advice to take is your own. You're kicking ass. I hope you aren't kicking mine. Lethargy and numbness are stalking you and you're fighting them off! I'm amazed. Bottle that energy and sell it. Hell, I'll buy it. Seriously. I'll buy anything. Financial troubles, romantic tension and too many obligations left you feeling drained after the holidays, and your energetic reach for a fresh start is admirable. But stalkers have a naughty tendency to be tenacious -- and Mr. Lethargy and Ms. Sloth are all over your neighborhood. Use your ass-kicking skills to banish them until summer, when you'll be ready for a well-deserved rest. June will be the best time to plan a get-away, so if you start saving now the whole trip will be virtually free.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I have a very good Virgo friend who once told me that she's a member of the "most boring sign in the zodiac." Say it ain't so. I think there's a simmering discontent right under your skin. You feel like a big slug right now, but you're just going to have to rouse yourself out of your rut and shake a tailfeather, baby. If you try to bury your head you'll end up with car trouble, financial worries and an ulcer. Besides, your namesake planet is retrograding, and even the word "retrograde" sounds sinister, don't you agree? Make like a good Virgo and spend some time organizing your life, un-retrograding yourself. Once you start, you'll feel infinitely better.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Imagine your month as if it were a playoff game in the NFL ... hopelessly unfeminine, brutishly strong, and played out in front of a crowd, half of whom want you to lose and half of whom want you to win. You have a cheerleading squad, and a coach, but when it comes down to it the whole game is up to you -- whether or not you drop the ball is all on your own shoulders. Or shoulderpads, as the metaphor would have it. You'll be caught up in a huddle of competitive spirit and the game can go either way. Remember you'll need your team's support for this to work out in your favor, so don't alienate those who are trying to help you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Wanted: One slighty smoldering Scorpio, visionary ideals intact, for a month of romantic possibilities. Charisma a must. A desire to take the lead will get you everywhere. Prefer a strong communicator who makes the first move in January. Artistry and intuition will put you ahead of the competition. Underappreciated Scorps encouraged to apply. No phone calls, please, all daring escapades must be made in person. January is an equal opportunity calendar month for you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Car metaphors. Your wheels are turning. Your engine is heating up. Sure, in the cold and long winter months it may take more to get you going than in the sunroof-down-days of summer, but your motor just needs some TLC. I know you have every intention of revving up the new year with your horsepower blazing, horns at the ready, map in hand. Do not get discouraged when the first half of the month brings you stop signs, traffic jams and possibly a moving violation. You still have the keys, you are in the driver's seat, and the road may be curvy, but it;s a lovely view once you get beyond the full moon of the 14th. I'm telling the rest of the zodiac to brake for Sagittarious in January.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
I have a paint-by-numbers vision of who you want to be, but your actions -- your brushstrokes and sketches and ink blobs -- are making the picture muddy and here I am left with paint on my fingers and still no idea where you are. Where will all this avoidance and barely-below-the-surface frustration get you? (Abstract art usually makes the artist rich post-mortem.) (I don't know what that means, either, but it sounded profound.) What I do know is that you must try to clear up the picture and make some bold color appear, after all -- you are the artist here, not me. January is your month to draw a whole new picture of your life, if you choose to see it that way.

Posted by laurie at January 3, 2006 3:48 PM