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January 03, 2006
January 2006 Hor-O-Scopes
I met a lady once on The Farm in Summertown, and she was telling me about the different stages of Venus. I was eight years old. Because all eight-year-olds like to hear about planets moving into their house of so-and-so, right? My childhood. Normal as pie.
Anyway, this lady's name was Barbara, and she wore long skirts and ankle bracelets and had a fondness for zucchinni bread that I still do not understand to this day. She believed, as some do, that the date of birth does not define you astrologically, that in fact the date of conception makes you who you are.
Therefore, if my predicitions are off, blame it on all the zucchini bread, the retrograde of Venus, all the drugs they did back in the 60s ... and on you not knowing your date of conception! (Like I would ask my parents that. EWWWWW.)
Happy January!
---
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
There is nothing like a bikini wax to prove that beauty can be painful. And don't get me started on high heels, pantyhose and the torture we endure known as the thong. So, what is this metaphor and why is it in your horoscope? In January, you discover that nothing is effortless, even artful disguise. The beginning of a new year is daunting to Aquarians because it seems like there's just so much work to do. Luckily, all the effort (and pain) will be accompanied by some possible romance, especially as Venus retrogrades through February. Don't push yourself to make an unnecessary choice... but consider the pain/gain compromise. Even the dreaded thong cures panty lines.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Your scars are a legend of the places you've been, the roadmap of adventures you have had. The deeper your scars go, the more you need to use them as signposts and monuments to your personal travels. You've seen this month's pitfalls before. Look clearly at your emotional compass and you'll see you're about to run right back into a dead end. The upside is that I caught you just in time, and if you stop, and do a little turn to the left or right, you'll be off in a new direction. Pick your next steps carefully, especially around the new moon on the 29th. Your choices will color the coming months, and you'll either be repeating history or charting new territory.
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
If I were eavesdropping on your psyche I'd wager you're grumbling about success, and measuring sticks, and possibly wondering why the vision of your life that you dreamed up so long ago seems to pale in comparison to so-and-so's life? Or maybe your own goals and expectations have you feeling about two inches tall? It's all the same thing. January looks challenging, because someone in your circle will find a way to point out your failures while simultaneously tootin' their own damn horn. Rest assured, you may not actually see the Karma Police in action giving citations to the creeps in your midst, but I dare you to outdo them. Success truly is the best revenge, and it is within your reach. You are way more than two inches tall. I promise.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You have had the psychic flu for way too long. Get out the hot tea and the emotional remedies that worked last year around this time and start doing some serious recuperating. Your addiction to the past is gonna put you in deep inner-rehab, and we can only hope you'll emerge like Drew Barrymore coming out of the Betty... a beautiful butterfly with a great comeback career and toned thighs instead of that withered old worm in the bottom of a fifth of Cuervo. It's your choice, really, and the sooner you realize that health and recovery are all in your own hands the better. The new moon on the 29th is your absolute final bottom-line "snap-out-of-it" day!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
What a contradiction, like the way your eyes change colors when you get sleepy or tired or mad as hell. And how you always manage to have a striking good hair day the same exact morning you have an appointment to get the whole mess chopped off. Some people would call it bad timing ... I say it's a hidden blessing. Smolder. Have bed-head, why don't you. What you see as awkward and shy about you is someone else's vision of mystery and gamine charm. Always work the charm angle, it will endear you to women and make men fall at your feet. It isn't manipulative if you really are charming ... and I trust you to be polite and seductive at the same time. Yours is the only contradiction in the zodiac worth exploiting.
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Did you know that approximately 3 billion people on the planet have never made or received a telephone call? That's half the earth's population. So before you get run-down and stressed-out and feeling like the world is passing you by on broadband cable while you're stuck on a 28.8 dial-up, take a deep breath and think ... "At least I'm in the phone half." See, you're already way ahead of half the world. Feel better? Understand that you will never know as much as you want to or reach every single goal or even have a perfectly clean house. Forget being in complete control. Take a deep breath make a list of things to do. Throw away the list. Have a cocktail and just breathe.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ever noticed what someone might recommend as "good" for you often feels like opression? This month the only advice to take is your own. You're kicking ass. I hope you aren't kicking mine. Lethargy and numbness are stalking you and you're fighting them off! I'm amazed. Bottle that energy and sell it. Hell, I'll buy it. Seriously. I'll buy anything. Financial troubles, romantic tension and too many obligations left you feeling drained after the holidays, and your energetic reach for a fresh start is admirable. But stalkers have a naughty tendency to be tenacious -- and Mr. Lethargy and Ms. Sloth are all over your neighborhood. Use your ass-kicking skills to banish them until summer, when you'll be ready for a well-deserved rest. June will be the best time to plan a get-away, so if you start saving now the whole trip will be virtually free.
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I have a very good Virgo friend who once told me that she's a member of the "most boring sign in the zodiac." Say it ain't so. I think there's a simmering discontent right under your skin. You feel like a big slug right now, but you're just going to have to rouse yourself out of your rut and shake a tailfeather, baby. If you try to bury your head you'll end up with car trouble, financial worries and an ulcer. Besides, your namesake planet is retrograding, and even the word "retrograde" sounds sinister, don't you agree? Make like a good Virgo and spend some time organizing your life, un-retrograding yourself. Once you start, you'll feel infinitely better.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Imagine your month as if it were a playoff game in the NFL ... hopelessly unfeminine, brutishly strong, and played out in front of a crowd, half of whom want you to lose and half of whom want you to win. You have a cheerleading squad, and a coach, but when it comes down to it the whole game is up to you -- whether or not you drop the ball is all on your own shoulders. Or shoulderpads, as the metaphor would have it. You'll be caught up in a huddle of competitive spirit and the game can go either way. Remember you'll need your team's support for this to work out in your favor, so don't alienate those who are trying to help you.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Wanted: One slighty smoldering Scorpio, visionary ideals intact, for a month of romantic possibilities. Charisma a must. A desire to take the lead will get you everywhere. Prefer a strong communicator who makes the first move in January. Artistry and intuition will put you ahead of the competition. Underappreciated Scorps encouraged to apply. No phone calls, please, all daring escapades must be made in person. January is an equal opportunity calendar month for you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Car metaphors. Your wheels are turning. Your engine is heating up. Sure, in the cold and long winter months it may take more to get you going than in the sunroof-down-days of summer, but your motor just needs some TLC. I know you have every intention of revving up the new year with your horsepower blazing, horns at the ready, map in hand. Do not get discouraged when the first half of the month brings you stop signs, traffic jams and possibly a moving violation. You still have the keys, you are in the driver's seat, and the road may be curvy, but it;s a lovely view once you get beyond the full moon of the 14th. I'm telling the rest of the zodiac to brake for Sagittarious in January.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
I have a paint-by-numbers vision of who you want to be, but your actions -- your brushstrokes and sketches and ink blobs -- are making the picture muddy and here I am left with paint on my fingers and still no idea where you are. Where will all this avoidance and barely-below-the-surface frustration get you? (Abstract art usually makes the artist rich post-mortem.) (I don't know what that means, either, but it sounded profound.) What I do know is that you must try to clear up the picture and make some bold color appear, after all -- you are the artist here, not me. January is your month to draw a whole new picture of your life, if you choose to see it that way.
Posted by laurie at January 3, 2006 03:48 PM
Comments
Happy New Year, CAPPY!
Am I the only one who reads all the horoscopes (not just my own ~ Taurus~ way on target, btw!), because they're hilarious??
Posted by: Reenie at January 3, 2006 03:54 PM
I love the Horoscopes you write every month, they are always so accurate, it's scary..lol Happy new year CAP!
Posted by: Jackie at January 3, 2006 03:57 PM
Not the only one! I read them all, too.
Though my Scorpio scope seems too good to be true - it's hard to smolder when you're wearing three layers of long johns and two wool sweaters.
Posted by: pyewacket at January 3, 2006 03:57 PM
Thanks Laurie. I found the car references for Sag to be very close to home.
Posted by: Laurie Ann at January 3, 2006 04:03 PM
This is so sad, but I actually know my date of conception. My parents tend to share too much. WAY TOO MUCH.
Posted by: vanessa at January 3, 2006 04:05 PM
Aquarius here. I have *so* given up on the whole "beauty" myth. Pain is not good. And I refuse to get a bikini wax for ANYONE. Of course, that's just one of the reasons why I also refuse to don swimming apparel. . .
Posted by: MonkeyGurrrrl at January 3, 2006 04:12 PM
Just wondering. . . why do *all* the horrorscopes seem to be tailor-made to fit me?!
Posted by: MonkeyGurrrrl at January 3, 2006 04:13 PM
i read the one for my birthday and my conception day. yes, i do know when that was.
apparently i'm supposed to be very busy this month.
and my Boy has a big decision to make.
this could get interesting.
Posted by: miss kendra at January 3, 2006 04:16 PM
Good idea, fellow Cancer. THanks! :D
Posted by: Valerie at January 3, 2006 04:20 PM
Football? Eek. Not only am I no good at competitive sports, I hate football.
Can I pretend this month is a crossword puzzle instead? Or maybe a coloring contest?
Posted by: mivox at January 3, 2006 04:21 PM
mivox ... it could be a competitive eating event... maybe a hotdog contest? lobster roll eat-off? LOL
vanessa... eeeewwwwww
Posted by: laurie at January 3, 2006 04:22 PM
Happy New Year Laurie!
Today just happens to be my birthday....what a great day to start drawing...I better get out some bold colors!!
Posted by: Anita at January 3, 2006 04:31 PM
It's like you had a conversation with me and then based the horoscope for Aries totally on my life and existance. So so scary...
I'm trying to be more than 2 inches tall!
Posted by: Tiffany at January 3, 2006 04:34 PM
Yep, VERY eww.....
I cannot tell you how many times I've sais "wow, mom (or dad - theyre both guilty of this) it sure has been nice talking to you, but its time for me to go stick my head in the oven now. buh-bye"
Posted by: vanessa at January 3, 2006 04:34 PM
It's like you had a conversation with me and then based the horoscope for Aries totally on my life and existance. So so scary...
I'm trying to be more than 2 inches tall!
Posted by: Tiffany at January 3, 2006 04:34 PM
Best part: My reaction was "one good thing about horoscopes is you only have to read yours! no getting overwhelmed with all 12 months!" though I forgot I'm supposed to read my boy's, too. That's de rigeur, right? (You can tell I quit reading horoscopes a long time ago, can't you? Sigh.)
oh yeah: Cancer.
Posted by: Daphne at January 3, 2006 04:40 PM
You are so right with the Sag car references this month! That is so me right now. If I could only get moving...
Posted by: Kim at January 3, 2006 04:41 PM
Wow, the horoscopes really are uncanny. And thank you for sharing your '80s pics. Now I don't feel so alone in this world, for I too shared in the not-big-enough-hair and powder blue eyeshadow phenomenon. Happy New Year to you, and thank you for your blog!
Posted by: Clara at January 3, 2006 05:15 PM
Wow, I'm not awkward and shy, I'm mysterious and charming! :D I love being a Gemini.
Your Hor-O-Scopes rock. Much better than anything out of a mag. And I gotta agree with you on the zucchini bread and conception date thing. Ew.
Posted by: Sheri at January 3, 2006 05:19 PM
dude. you're funny! :)
Posted by: Patti at January 3, 2006 05:51 PM
i so totally used to love you, but i'm putting you on restriction. my horoscope sound's suspiciously like "this year is going to suck as much as the last." tsk. tsk.
Posted by: S. at January 3, 2006 06:24 PM
I never thought of conception date....
hmmm.....
first week of october, count back forty weeks....
naw, couldn't be......I am a New Years' baby????!!!!
Posted by: laurie at January 3, 2006 06:44 PM
Thanks for the "horror-scopes." They make my life sound much more exciting than it actually is! ;-D
Posted by: Andree at January 3, 2006 06:59 PM
Conception date? Hmm...I was born in late January, two months premature...so my parents were gettin' it on in the middle of the previous June?
Anyway, thanks for the awesome Aquarius hor-o-scope. It's on the money, as always. :)
Posted by: Samantha at January 3, 2006 07:01 PM
My mother told me that I was a celebration of them getting their first house.
Posted by: Cheryl at January 3, 2006 07:07 PM
I didn't throw away the list. I just forgot it at home. I did have the cocktails though. Now my stomach doesn't like me.
-- the never satisfied Cancer
Posted by: Dagny at January 3, 2006 07:10 PM
Gemini here...contradiction? Me? No. Yes. And the hair thing on the day of the hair appointment - absolutely true!! Lurves me dem horoscopes!
Posted by: Terri at January 3, 2006 07:18 PM
You're right on with the thing about Aquarius feeling daunted by the year ahead. Sure 'nuff. Me? Daunted.
Glad to hear all the work will be accompanied by some romantic action. But then, my husband is a Capricorn and is apparently going to be doing some kind of messy painting thing? Is that romantic? Suppose it depends what he uses as a canvas.
Posted by: Lauren in Austin at January 3, 2006 07:20 PM
Also, what he uses as a brush.
Posted by: Lauren in Austin at January 3, 2006 07:20 PM
Hhhhmmm.
Just...just...hhhmmmmm....
(says Pisces DebR)
PS - I always read all the months too!
Posted by: DebR at January 3, 2006 07:22 PM
You have the best horoscopes!
Posted by: eyeleen at January 3, 2006 07:52 PM
[quote]
a beautiful butterfly with a great comeback career and toned thighs instead of that withered old worm in the bottom of a fifth of Cuervo.
[/quote]
It's like you've seen into my inner-most desires and painted the picture!
Thankyou for my horrorscope! :)
Posted by: dan at January 3, 2006 07:59 PM
A fellow Pices quotes DebR...
Hmmmmmm...hmmmmmmmmm....
Posted by: haji-o-matic at January 3, 2006 10:19 PM
Lucky I'm trying to wean myself of lists! What about cat-o-scopes? My seven are keen to know what the next year holds for them :)
Posted by: mrspao at January 4, 2006 12:04 AM
Shit, now that was just excellent. As good a horoscope as you could think.
Happy New Year, Laurie
Posted by: Scott at January 4, 2006 12:56 AM
Interesting, I do know I was conceived on my parents honeymoon so I am a Taurus and a Pisces. Now I can read 2 for me and my hubbys. Your scopes are great! And Happy New Year CAP, you are the greatest!
Posted by: Bethi at January 4, 2006 01:05 AM
Thank heavens I don't know my date of conception! Cool horrorscopes :-)
Posted by: lynne s of oz at January 4, 2006 02:19 AM
Uh oh. I think I'm a Valentine's-Day-conception baby. Ick.
On the other hand, enjoyed the horoscopes this month, as always!
Posted by: Martigny at January 4, 2006 02:43 AM
As a Sag with a possibly terminally ill vehicle I find this quite...uhhh profound? Hopefully both my car and I will get it together
Posted by: Susan at January 4, 2006 03:15 AM
I was always told that my conception was the reason my parents divorced, so I've never really thought about when it happened, and since I can't count backwards forty weeks (ouch, that makes my head hurt) I'll just stick with being a Cancer.
Oxygen and likker are good advice this month!
Posted by: ~drew emborsky~ at January 4, 2006 04:53 AM
Aries....I so hope this is correct....maybe it will end my desire to go out in public swinging a chain.
And the whole date of conception thing? So don't know, so not asking my parents because it grosses me out, and yeah, just going with the birthdate thing.
Also? I heart your blog. Long time lurker, decided to finally come out and say hi!
Posted by: Sarah at January 4, 2006 04:59 AM
Proud Gemini here. I like to think that my quirkiness (doesn't EVERYONE line up their desk supplies parallel and perpendicular to one another)translate directly into charm, because without that hope I'm sunk.
Swell of you to bolster my ego like that!
Posted by: tiff at January 4, 2006 05:57 AM
How on earth do you freakin know these things? I've got ONE MONTH to prove that I can do my job and that of a leaving co-worker (same job, added work load) in order to get a hefty raise and be included in the company's bonus plan.
April the Libra (whose parents had whoopie for Christmas on Bio-dad's military leave)
Posted by: April at January 4, 2006 06:28 AM
I have been reading your blog for months now and really look forward to it! (I am a knitwear designer)I am a Sag. - your horoscope is so funny this month. I own a Trooper that is not very old - with only 55,000 miles (and is paid off!). I was just told that it needs a new engine! I have been without a car for 10 days and am going stir crazy! When I read my horoscope I had to laugh! Thanks!
Posted by: Tabbetha at January 4, 2006 07:02 AM
So, did you actually live on the Farm? Were you born there? Ina May is the person who made midwifery such a passion for me! I was lucky enough to meet her a few years ago when she was a speaker at graduation.
I know many people think the Farm a strange place (and I don't think I would disagree) but Yay!! for the Farm and what they teach and how they live.
But I digress...
Posted by: Carry at January 4, 2006 08:25 AM
I had never heard the thing about the date of your conception being the date for your horoscope. I happen to know mine because it s a bit of a joke in my family. My mother knows the exact date of my conception because she spent that summer away from my father at college and she says there is only one day she could have gotten pregnant. We tease her that I am really the product of her sleeping her way to an A (not possible given that I look just like my dad and have a birth mark of his that is pretty rare). I looked at both, and my conception horoscope is more me than my birthdate. That would make me a cancer, and that housecleaning thing...
Posted by: kendall at January 4, 2006 08:35 AM
carry... I do indeed have personal knowledge of the farm. It was a long time ago, with my real mom. (The lady I talk about on this here website as my mom is actually my stepmom, or "second mom" as I like to call her). The first mom was a midwife, and there was far too much zucchinni bread in my childhood. That is all I have to say about that! LOL
Posted by: laurie at January 4, 2006 09:08 AM
Thanks for the Hor-O-Scopes, I'm also a Cancer so I'm always interested to hear how your month is going.
I just voted for you at the Knit Blog Awards on Queer Joe's voting page
http://queerjoe.blogspot.com/Knit%20Blog%20Award%20Voting3.htm
Congratulations on making so many categories!!
kathy in washington (the state)
Posted by: yogahz at January 4, 2006 09:12 AM
If I had to guess, I think I was conceived on my parents' anniversary, but...ew. Not asking. I'll just stick with my Aries/Taurus cusp, thankyouverymuch.
Posted by: Imbrium at January 4, 2006 10:00 AM
I once knew someone who lived on The Farm, and they were quite . . . well, something. I'm not at all surprised at the conversation you had. Not at all.
Posted by: alerievay at January 4, 2006 10:45 AM
thank you so so much for your profound capricorn horoscope. i don't usually believe in horoscopes but i love yours.
i relate to it because i am an artist (or i like to tell myself i am) and i deal with frustration in my art as well as in my life.
thanks to you i'm starting my own snb at the end of the month to try to force myself to be more creative in one aspect.
you rock, laurie. you rock.
Posted by: me at January 4, 2006 11:03 AM
Well, I'm officially de-lurking on your blog. Been reading for a while now, but nary a comment. So, with the new year, thus cometh a new commenter! Cheers, and happy new year! -Sarah. (who really likes your kitties).
Posted by: sarah at January 4, 2006 03:08 PM
I found your blog about a week ago, and I wanted to tell you that reading it made me very smiley and hopeful. Some of the things you've been through are a lot like some of the things I've been through in the past couple of years, and I'm still having trouble starting over, so... smiley and hopeful are very welcome things. Thank you. :)
Also, Roy is a darling and I am his cat!fangirl from afar, because I once had a big older kitty who had only one fang-tooth left. And he still killed gophers, which I'm not going to talk about because it makes me have disturbing mental pictures.
Anyway, I think you're lovely, and I hope you have a really great year this year. I hope we *both* do, really. And I also hope I stop babbling in this comment before I embarrass myself completely and have to get really, really drunk in order to forget it.
Posted by: Alden at January 4, 2006 04:46 PM
Finally - a good reason not to do anything! Says so in my horoscope! As usual the truth is stranger than fiction, so I am going to take your sound advice and sit down and r-e-l-a-x with a glass of 'sumpin good and have a good laugh. Thanks for making my future bright and funny. Love ya, keep on!
Posted by: robby at January 4, 2006 05:53 PM
Damn. You're right on again, and timely, too. I'm going to be forced into believing in this stuff.
Posted by: Patti at January 4, 2006 06:58 PM
I was born in NYC, my little sister was born in LA (CA). As competitive as we were, it would turn into a West Coast/East Coast "thang" until my dad would chime in...."Enough you two! You were both made in Florida."
And people wonder why our family is a little off.
Posted by: Gigi at January 4, 2006 07:13 PM
Wow! I thought I was the only person who knew their date of conception because of a mom who was willing to admit that one birthday + one missed pill + one too many martinis = ME!
It's so nice to know you're loved!
Those of us born in the 70s should file a class action suit based on the TMI we suffered at the hands of our whacky-tabacky smokin' hippie parents!
Posted by: Dewey at January 4, 2006 08:33 PM
A thought occurred to me: wouldn't it be great if CAP dressed up the cats to illustrate the various signs of the zodiac? For example, Sobakawa would make an excellent crab or scorpion and Bob a balance (just look at that photo of him playing kitty twister). Ummm, not like you have enough on your plate already or anything. ;)
Posted by: Martigny at January 5, 2006 05:20 AM
Yay! I love Leo's this month - kicking ass and taking names is a great way to start the year. I hope I can keep it up until the summer.
Love these, Laurie! I look forward to them every month!
Posted by: Susan at January 5, 2006 08:28 AM
i have indeed always been all about my scars.
Posted by: carolyn at January 6, 2006 02:56 PM
Oh god, PLEASE let the Taurus one be right. Imagine -- toned thighs!!
Posted by: Kristine at January 7, 2006 10:54 AM
I usually find that Capricorn doesn't fit me very well (I was born three weeks late and was "supposed" to be a Sag.) Sagittarius doesn't fit me, either. I contemplated your thought from the beginning and checked Pisces (being a hippie kid who has a general idea of the date of her own conception). Hahaa. There I am.
Posted by: Éireann at January 8, 2006 04:03 PM
Virgo...a mess...you are cute... :)
Posted by: Andrei at January 26, 2006 09:12 AM
