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December 5, 2005


Sat here staring a the keyboard for twenty minutes. Do I make jokes about it? Ignore it? Is there a handbook for this?

Can I just jump the shark and be done with it?

Took this pic on our honeymoon. (We eloped.)
Look how happy I am to be in the shark's mouth.
Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

I got married to share my life with someone. I needed someone to see me, know me, witness each day with me. I needed to matter to someone. Needed someone I could claim myself with in the midst of chaos.

So it's no coincidence that when I realized he was never coming back I started writing my life out in words and putting it on the internets so that someone, maybe, would see me through all the days when he wasn't here. Maybe laugh at my jokes?

I used to think I needed closure. That he owed me an explanation. You see, the humiliating truth is that he left me like one leaves a motel room, never once looking back, never pausing to reflect, no attachments there. Just dirty sheets.

But here is what I have discovered: Closure is a myth. The only explanation that would satisfy me doesn't exist. And it's his humiliation to bear, not mine.

Anyway, it's just a Monday. I woke up this morning the same as every other morning, and Roy licked my left eyebrow, and I got into the shower with one sock still on, and I cleaned the catbox and did my little morning routine, and now I am having coffee, writing about a day I dreaded, but I am writing about it! Me! The same girl who gave up writing so her screenwriter husband could be the wordsmith superstar in the family. And I have all my fingers and all my toes and great parents and lovely friends and piles of yarn and one big bottle of Veuve Cliquot for later. And I will do this myself, no big deal, because it is just another Monday, not anything to remark upon.

And it is final and I am still breathing.
Fuck him. And the shark he rode in on.

Posted by laurie at December 5, 2005 9:12 AM