No matter how alone you feel, you are not alone. There are so many people who read your blog and care about you. Who visit your site excited to see what you've written...good or bad, happy or sad. I know this probably doesn't help right now and it's completely understandable that you're sad. But this too shall pass. Merry (or maybe not) Christmas and (certainly) Happy New Year!

~ Christina

Laurie, I was thinking of you during church tonight and I got online to send a note to a friend of mine who is far away and I just stopped by here to check on you. You are right, you should not have to censor the hard parts. As cliche as it is, those are the character building times. I so wish you could be with your family tomorrow. I know there isn't much that can be said right now but I know, too, that you are going to come through this for the better. You are a wonderful woman and I wish for your endless happy Christmases in the future. :) Kristy xoxox

We're spending Christmas with you out here, and WE all find you special. Every day, you make us laugh, cry and groan (and a wee bit jealous) with your talent for writing. I for one thank you for every word you write. Merry Christmas, Laurie!

When you're alone, you are with the bestest person ever. You're well along in finding the real you in there, the you that was hiding before, when you focused on someone else. Now you focus on you and the fur kids.

For what it's worth, your writing has filled many hours of my time that would have otherwise been sad. We all have our endings, mine is eminant. My fur kids keep me focused. Their people treat tonight was salmon, the good pink kind. When they're happy, I'm happy.

Happy Christmas. Kiss the fur kids.

My comment came up as Susan. It was me, (whimper) I'm here, really I am. I'm not Susan. I'm me, Maenwyn.

Hi Laurie,

I discovered your blog and adore it, especially for it's frank honesty. I see you on the right path, even if it's hard for you to see. You are immersing yourself in new directions (knitting, friends, contemplation, KNITTING!) and it's a good thing. My Christmas wish for you is for your sadness to lose it's edge and loosen it's grip and for you to feel peace in your life and contentment. Blessings~ Jennifer

hey raur-

as usual, you make me laugh and cry.

laugh because i remember so vividly the time i spent valentine's night one year burying my head under the pillows, trying to drown out the unmistakeable sounds of the couple upstairs at 3 in the morning. it was so cliched and awful, i was actually able to laugh about it the next day. once it was over.

cry because i left my husband just over three years ago, and not a day goes by that i don't wonder how he is, how the dogs are, and hope that someday he won't hate me anymore. i don't know if your ex has a conscience, but i do, and i feel for you so very, very much.

you *will* get through this, and you can take as long as you need to.

rushing it only increases the baggage you bring to your next stop.

hugs to you.
-riseyp

Merry Christmas, Laurie, and luuurve to the Kitty Posse. :)

It's my first Christmas as a divorced woman too, Laurie and it sucks. I will admit that my family is close, so I get to see them, but it's tough seeing them with their wives/sig others and I get to go home to 2 pups. While you are alone, you aren't alone because you have great friends and family that love you. It will get better and you will get stronger and you will soon crave the alone time, rather than hate it. (At least that's what I keep telling myself....)

loving you bunches from 3 hours north ;)

Inky, Mr. Inky, Boo Fat Ass, and Noel the Xmas Paperweight.

It does get better. My divorce (from the first hubby) damned near killed me. No, I guess that's not true. It wasn't the divorce that almost killed me, it was me wondering what I'd done wrong. What was wrong with me. How I could have been different. Then I finally learned to love me for who I am. And I somehow in all the years of chaos that followed, I found Mr. Right. And if he turns out sometime in the future not to be Mr. Right, the joke's on him. I went to law school and became a family law attorney (aka divorce lawyer) and I'll take him for all he's got. *laugh*

If you want to meet up in the valley for lunch, dinner, or coffee sometime this week, just send me an email.

Take this line as a hug and hold on to it as long as you need. But don't get creepy on me :)

Your friend,
bblah

Thanks for writing through the tough parts. I hope you enjoy your reflection wherever you may find it. Have a sweet holiday!

Don't worry. You're not the only one spending Christmas alone. I mean, in a way I'm spending Christmas alone but not that all alone. There are a lot of other people out there who are actually alone on Christmas. So no need to be so sad. ;)

{{{big hug}}}

It gets better, really; you just can't hurry things. The only thing to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other (yeah, I know it sounds like something your mother told you, but it's true) . . . then one day you look up and you aren't in the woods anymore, you're at the top of the hill looking out over the rest of your life, and it looks pretty damn good.

It just takes a while sometimes. In the meantime, there are cats, and work, and yarn, and friends, and the moments of light and happiness get closer together.

We're all here for you, sugar. Don't forget that.

You know that feeling you get sometimes when you really, really appreciate what someone's just said to you, but you can't quite find words that would do the feeling justice, so you get that kinda crooked, quivering-lipped smile on your face and your eyes get a little moist?

Picture that look on my face.

(Well, okay, FIRST pretend we've ever met, so that comment sounds more like a sincere compliment and less like a weird gay guy from Pennsylvania stalking you via the web. THEN picture the look on my face.)

Thanks, Laurie. Merry Christmas.

i'm married. and i've still had one heck of a year. sometimes this lonliness can exist even within a good marriage. that happy face? i've had to don it for all sorts of occasions. mainly work. or in front of my kids. and it sucks.

i've got a more private journal where i spill out all the ugly. i find that i need that. and if i have to write entry after entry of non-perky crap? well, that's what i gotta do.

divorce, like any traumatic event, is a process. i can't imagine that it is possible to just wake up, and be over it. anniversaries of birthdays, trips, the day you signed the papers? they're all going to remind you of what you've lost.

see, here's the thing...it wasn't your fault. you were vested in this marriage. anyone who reads can see that. it isn't your fault that he wasn't. you're a gutsy chick for getting out of bed in the morning trying to heal.

and someday? you will.

Hey Laurie, Happiness is right around the corner for you so throw your Mary Tyler Moore hat up high in the air.....you're going to make it on your own.... until someone special comes along.

It's tough, isn't it? And I've never been divorced, and I've never been alone on Christmas, so I can't really say anything about that. I have spent Christmas with my kid in a rehab hospital. I got through it. You will get through it. You are indeed very special.

(((((Laurie)))))

Thinking of you and your feline companions during this holiday. You may feel alone but I am guessing there are many more folks like me who keep you close in their hearts. Things do getter easier over time... Hang in there! Happy holidays and lots of hugs.

Laurie, a very wise person once said to me 'everything is perfect as it is', meaning that what is happening in your life right now is exactly as it is meant to be, as great or as crap as it is. It took me a very long time to finally 'get' this, and now at the end of my first divorced Christmas, I'm feeling so lonely and tired of being alone (and I spent the day with my gorgeous kids, family and friends)and I know I'll get through it. Because I've found that reflection of myself, which took a lot of searching and getting to know me. I feel crappy and achingly alone, but I know that this is what is meant for me at this point in time, and in time the reason will become clear.
My experience of being single after a break up is that things get worse before they get better, but invariably, it's all ok. Thank you for the gift of your words today, I couldn't even articulate what was in my heart and yet again, you have.

Laurie, a very wise person once said to me 'everything is perfect as it is', meaning that what is happening in your life right now is exactly as it is meant to be, as great or as crap as it is. It took me a very long time to finally 'get' this, and now at the end of my first divorced Christmas, I'm feeling so lonely and tired of being alone (and I spent the day with my gorgeous kids, family and friends)and I know I'll get through it. Because I've found that reflection of myself, which took a lot of searching and getting to know me. I feel crappy and achingly alone, but I know that this is what is meant for me at this point in time, and in time the reason will become clear.
My experience of being single after a break up is that things get worse before they get better, but invariably, it's all ok. Thank you for the gift of your words today, I couldn't even articulate what was in my heart and yet again, you have.

Laurie, a very wise person once said to me 'everything is perfect as it is', meaning that what is happening in your life right now is exactly as it is meant to be, as great or as crap as it is. It took me a very long time to finally 'get' this, and now at the end of my first divorced Christmas, I'm feeling so lonely and tired of being alone (and I spent the day with my gorgeous kids, family and friends)and I know I'll get through it. Because I've found that reflection of myself, which took a lot of searching and getting to know me. I feel crappy and achingly alone, but I know that this is what is meant for me at this point in time, and in time the reason will become clear.
My experience of being single after a break up is that things get worse before they get better, but invariably, it's all ok. Thank you for the gift of your words today, I couldn't even articulate what was in my heart and yet again, you have.

My first really divorced Christmas was tough, as I think that every Christmas (or holiday, or Tuesday) after a big loss probably is. It's hard to learn how to let go of the sadness that comes with knowing you'll never have exactly "that" kind of Christmas again. But you'll begin to figure out exactly what you want and need, and you'll begin to forge your own traditions, and at some point someone else will begin to share those things with you, and you'll feel the sting of Christmas pasts less. *hug*

Sending you some big hugs. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel you hear?

I've been thinking of you a lot lately, and am very sorry this holiday season is so tough. Just think, it's almost the new year though, and we all get a fresh start. xoxo

First time poster here although I started reading when you first met Annie.
Oh Laurie! Ya know, I'm quite proud of you this morning. I'm proud of you because you went to Faith's party (I know how hard pretending to be festive can be) and I'm proud of you for being able to verbalize the scary, sad, ugly feelings that are part of you today. Trust me, it really IS better to be able to say them out loud than it is to suppress.
Cause, who knows, if you do that you may end up doing something I once did. Imagine a "woman of a certain age" standing in a mall screaming "Fuck Christmas" at a grade school choir singing carols, and then saying "And screw The Chipmunks too" as you are shown the exit! could have been worse..at least I didn't spend Christmas in jail. And, had they known my ex was a woman, I would have been in even more trouble..Bible belt, ya know.
Remember that those windows you pass, curtains closed, may also hide someone getting slapped across the room. Or belittled. Or ignored. Sometimes TWO can be more lonely than ONE.
You said "I always lacked the power of self-reflection. I looked into his eyes to see myself, to find recognition. Now there is nowhere to be reflected." It may not be the reflection you are looking for, but you are reflected every day in the eyes of your blog stalkers, who, perhaps understandable by some, consider you one of their best friends. Just recently you were reflected in my house when at last I understood those yarn-over things and sat here in front of the computer working on a scarf and looking up to see if what I was doing looked like what you were showing. A real shazamm moment! You make us laugh, and cry and learn. And although you may never meet some of us, we're real and we're out here and we send you love.
My cats have finished THEIR Christmas baby food and are waiting on their new catnip mice. Which later the dog will eat. Nothing like scooping red and green plaid dog poop.
And now, lest I start sounding scary LOL, I'll go.

i hate to sound like a broken record -- yes i am old enough to know what a record is -- but it will get better. this is probably the toughest holiday season you'll ever live through.

i wish you much happiness in 2006. enjoy the sunny weather. (it's 40 degrees and cloudy and feels like rain -- not even snow!)

That's just about the most beautiful thing I've ever read. It's my own truth, in ways, so I thank you for it, more than you'll ever know. Happy New Year, with lots of Happy.

2006 is coming. May you kick its ass.

Take care.

Hang in there Laurie, it will get better.

You will find yourself. You will find love. You will succeed, you will do many, countless, amazing things. You will fill the chasm within. You will do all of these things and more. But you don't have to do it all right now. Enjoy your cats, look at yourself in the mirror, and know that the only one who defines you - is you. (Hi, my name is Jennifer, I love your blog & am not tired of hearing your sadness. Hugs, and merry Catmas.)

I adore the ornaments all the way to the knitting needles. They are really nice and festive.

Laurie-
Thank you for your honesty. We are doing well to reflect from the winter solstice through the new year so we can change what is holding us back from going within and growing. Love to the kitties and you!
Lis

What a beautiful entry. It doesn't have to be all levity and hilarity.
You will be happy again. And I doubt very much that you will spend very many christmases alone. There is someone out there who deserves you and will cherish you for the kick-ass woman you are.

Merry Christmas, Laurie!!! Hugs for you and all your kitties. I love crazy ladies that hug!

Just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today, and so I stopped in to see how you are. I'm sorry that the aloneness seems a bit heavy right now, but sometimes you just gotta curl up in a fuzzy dark blue blanket with a bottle of wine and cry if that's what feels right -- just wallow all in the sadness. And then, when you're through with it, you get up and go forward.

You'll make it all the way back to happy, Laurie, because you're one of the special people...and you don't need to look into anyone else's eyes to see that. There sure seem to be a lot of people here who think you're special, too.

I wish you and your fur babies peace and warmth, and I especially wish for you a most wonderful 2006!

Susan is right, you are reflected around the world in all the lives you touch through this amazing blog. Everyday, hundreds of people read your words and smile or laugh. Somedays a few tears are mixed in. Your blog is honest and courageous, a reflection of who you are. In some ways, it seems funny to think of you as a friend, since we've never met and odds are we never will, but I do. Thank you for sharing.

Hey sweetie - you've only been divorced a handful of days...it's going to be hard, and lonely, and that's normal. But it will get better. And heck, you've got Roy. And the rest of your furballs. :)

Know that there are hundreds of us out there who have never even met you, but who wish you nothing but happiness and joy in the year to come and in every year after that. Merry Christmas!

The holidays can be tough to get thru, especially if you're feeling less than holly jolly. Keep your chin up. You have more people than you know ready and willing to push, pull, or drag your sad be-hind back up when you're feeling down. I'm serious. Don't make me start singing Carole King's "You've Got A Friend" :P

Ditto on Claudia's wishes. We are all alone, ultimately, but hon, that ain't a bad thing at all. Right now you have more power and potential than you ever did when you were married, because the only person you have to worry about your actions and decisions affecting (sp?)is you. OK, the cats might have some say, they always do. Please keep on being honest, and take all the time you need to deal. Don't let anyone measure your "progress" by their own standards, and don't pressure yourself either. I was in your shoes 13 years ago, and after all this time I find I have chosen to keep some issues alive so I don't repeat mistakes. Merry Christmas, Laurie, all us chickens are thinking of you and wishing you everything good.

It is cliche, but it really will get better. It takes as long as it takes. And that is ok. Do what you can do, and we will come here and read you, and feel for you, and have good wishes for you. We are your army of guardian angels. We will do our best not to screw it up.

Merry Christmas Laurie! I am sitting here reading all of my favorite blogs instead of getting ready to drive 45+ minutes home. I am going to have one mad sister. Bah... Also, my boyfriend and I are sitting around on our asses, drinking coffee, bitching how annoyed we are with eachother, and arguing who is going to get ready first. We are kind of expected at both houses at the same time for dinner. Christmas is more stressful than it should be! Maybe you are a tad bit lucky not to have to worry about what anyone else is doing? Try to have a decent day!

Laurie - From reading your very reflective, honest, and deeply moving blog entry, it sounds to me like you're getting the self-reflection down really well. :) You're in a rough spot right now... but you're strong! Smart! Funny! Have great cats! Have a massive virtualy fan club and support group! Gnomes!

Anyway, while I was reading it, I kept thinking of a short poem by Merritt Malloy: "There is a great fear that plagues only romantics and children... It is that they might be alright alone." I think she's wrong - I think it plagues a lot of us. You. Me. Many of the others reading your blog, who have written such great comments.

And we'll all be alright.

Yeah, it's tough when friends and family stop listening, and basically say, "Why can't you move on already?" They don't understand why you're so obsessed over this difficult event. Sometimes they don't understand why you're so upset in the first place.

I haven't been through a divorce, but have been through a few other life-changing traumas, and I know what you're talking about.

After a while, you're the only person that wants to listen to you talk about whatever it is. A diary, off- or on-line, is a good thing. A therapist recommended it to me, and it helps. Writing down the random thoughts stops your thoughts from going in little circles, chasing their own tails.

Eventually, even you get tired of the where you are and move on. But you periodically revisit these things--it's normal. Mourning is not something that just stops. I've just learned to keep the revisitations to myself.

((big hugs))

I really understand your feelings about being alone. I am 66 and this is my first time to be alone on Christmas. I am not married now so I am sorta used to being by myself, but this year my only daughter has moved 10 hours away with her husband and two children. They just moved 3 days ago. You and I have to just pull ourselves up by our bra straps and keep on, keeping on and things will get better for both of us.
I love reading your blog and you are very gifted in writing. Where is your book? I am waiting to buy it.

I'm spending Christmas alone this year too.

I get lonely and depressed sometimes about it but other times I think how lucky I am that I get to step back and see the little things going on around me and hear the thoughts in my own head.

I too have stopped telling people about my troubles. I realized it makes them nervous. Everyone is afraid of what it would be like to be in your place so it is easier to diminish you by saying, its not that bad, you're better off, etc.

You may not ever go through another difficult year like this or spend another Christmas alone, but now you know you could if you had to, and that is very empowering.

I was the "single" daughter at the family celebrations for many years. I got divorced at age 25 and didn't remarry until 40. That's a LOT of singleton years watching my brothers' and sisters' families grow. I became the "cool aunt" remembered as important only when babysitting was needed.

Being single in a double world isn't easy, but it's better than being part of a "double" that is full of anger and strife.

Look for love and find it in the last place you'd expect.

Oh Laurie...big ol' hugs to you! I so want you to jump on a plane and spend Christmas with me! Really, you can! It's funny that you don't really know any of us blogstalkers but we all feel a connection to you through your writings! Yes, write a book! I'll buy lots of copies! One for each room! Hell, a bathroom reader too!

Like everyone says, you're not alone in certain ways...look at all the people who post comments every day and how many rely on your posts everyday. I checked daily and sit here reading to laugh and cry with you.

Laurie, thinking of you today - I'm not having such a great christmas myself. Thank you for your honesty, makes the rest of us feel less crazy!

Bess

Laurie, like everyone is saying, this too shall pass. I'm here alone as well since my Mr. X (boyfriend) broke up with me a couple weeks ago (far enough from Christmas so he wouldn't feel guilty, but close enough for it to sting...a lot). Don't ever feel like you have to sugar coat your entries because everyone is getting tired of hearing about it. We aren't. A lot of us have been there, done that and we know what you're going through. WE'LL be here to 'listen' and offer a word or two. Hang in there!!!!
{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}

I love that you wrote that you're spending this Christmas with yourself, someone worthy of getting to know. It's perfect, and so, so true. I very much think you're someone worthy of getting to know, and I'm so glad I found you, albeit very recently.

This will actually be my last Christmas as a married woman. (well, to this spouse anyway). It's my choice, and though I won't go into details, SO, SO the right and necessary choice, but it's still hard since I have a 4 and a half yo son.

Mamacate posted about Solstice recently, and I told her my intention for the coming year will be to focus on gratitude. And it is. It's not alway easy, but it is healing. So I want to let you know that I'm grateful for YOU. That you're here, and lovely, and willing to share your humour and your brave and not so brave moments with us so honestly. Thank you.

Laurie -

Often you make me laugh, but when you are reflective, you make me cry - from recognition of the truth of your feelings. So many of us share them and know exactly of what you speak. This is not my first Christmas alone, but my sons are with their father, who is engaged. We are friendly now and wished each other Merry Christmas on the phone, but there is still a lonely spot.

Self-reflection is a good thing. In the end, as you said, you really need to be able to count on yourself and if you don't know who you are, that's not easy to do. You'll figure it out.

Wishing you the very best.

Merry Christmas CAP. I was thrilled to find you posted today. It was the best present (even if I did cry). Your words inspire me and have help me to feel almost normal. Thank you Crazy Aunt Purl.
{{{BIG HUG}}}

{{{{{{{{{{ more hugs }}}}}}}}}

Thank you for a beautiful and reflective post.
And thank you for sharing yourself with us.

many hugs from here too.
Amy

When all else fails - there is chocolate and hit men. (not in that order necessarily)

Taking the time to find out who you really are is the best present you could give yourself, and it will last far beyond today. I read your blog religiously and look forward to hearing more about your journey. Know that your IIFs are sending good thoughts your way, and that with them, you are never alone. :)

(((hugs))) If you lived near me, I'd invite you over to spend Christmas with my family and I.

Wow... look at all your fans... and all your friends. I know, I know... it doesn't make you part of a couple, but always remember these words of wisdom... At least you don't have to wash their poopy shorts or stinky socks!!

Oh, and have I mentioned I'm one of your biggest fans, too? So I thank you for blogging. (Since others have mentioned you writing a book, I won't bring up it up again... but a divorce manual for beginners could be hilarious. And it could be very helpful to all the others going through it as well.)

I've come to love you, Crazy Aunt Purl, I've come to love you as one of my own daughters. Granted, my family is not particularly close, but nonetheless......

Absolutely incredible that I am the 64TH person posting a comment! Wow! You are such an incredible writer. I know that I first started reading your journal because you are a fellow knitter. But, honestly, you are an amazing writer and I look forward to your posts every day. I'm telling you....Lulu is waiting for your book! Have a wonderful weekend!

please don't forget that you can call me if you'd like.

you can meet pickles and boon, and they will love you no matter what mood you're in, no matter what you "let slip."

they like me, so they're used to crazy.

i'm sending good thoughts your way.

Peace and hugs to you.

Laurie,

You will be back to happy. It just is part of the journey we have to take. Here's to 2006 being a much better year!

Big hugs, sweetie. You are stronger and better than you know - you have grown and grown and grown since I started reading your blog a year ago, and you'll keep doing it. Your pain is a part of you - your friends know that. They may be uncomfortable hearing about it sometimes, but that's because it makes them uncomfortable to see you in pain, not because they're bored with it or think you should get over it.

Today is Boxing Day here in Australia - my husband is going out to spend the day with friends, and I am staying home all by myself because there's an America's Next Top Model marathon on. I am very much looking forward to it. Nobody will watch this kind of thing with me as I constantly talk to the screen, make obscene comments about the models and grumble a lot. I'm gonna open a bottle of wine (in the afternoon, obviously, hehehheh) and pretend you're there with me, shouting at the tv, drinking wine, and admiring the cats.

I would say call me if you want to talk, but you don't know who the heck I am. I guess, as is the case with most blogs, I feel like I know you just from checking in everyday. Hang in there and know that a lot of people are checking in on you everyday (or close to it) and pulling for you.

You don't know who the heck I am, either, but I'm one of the many people pulling for you. I've spent a lot of holidays alone over the last 10 years because of my job, and I know how hard it can be. You're perfectly entitled to mope and cry a little. But you're also entitled to celebrate yourself and create your own traditions. Above all, though, be kind to yourself. This too shall pass. (*hugs*)

Laurie, even though you feel alone, you aren't. You're part of the knitblogging community and proof will come shortly :-) (Mysteriouser and mysteriouser!)
Good things will come to you, though it is hard to see that at the moment.

Laurie, even though you feel alone, you aren't. You're part of the knitblogging community and proof will come shortly :-) OK, it isn't someone to share Christmas day with but it will share things with you. (Mysteriouser and mysteriouser!)
Good things will come to you, though it is hard to see that at the moment.
Wishing you a 2006 that holds all you want it to and no more :-)

hi laurie,
my first divorced christmas too.
i'll be saying a prayer for both of us, ok?
love, lauri

The first thing I did when I got home from my mandatory family celebration was check my email and your site to see if you had updated. No matter how sad or pensive you seem at times, I find myself often wishing I had your talent and freedom. You are loved and admired by complete strangers. Merry Christmas, Laurie.

Ivana Trump once said that "Success was the best revenge" when speaking of her divorce. By the list of comments here you are an obvious success story...soon you will realize it too just like we have. I've been divorced 20 years and now enjoy the peaceful stillness on Christmas evening after the kids go to their dad's. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing.

Marcia in Indiana

I don't know why you call yourself 'Crazy' because 'Sane Aunt Purl,' while it doesn't have the nice ring to it, would make more sense. And, like everyone above, I also like reading your blog and I find this entry and your other 'painful' entries beautiful (and honest and understandable). You're amazingly talented. (And thank you for the tutorials!!!)

If you're worried your friends aren't listening, that's what counselors are there for. Yeah, they cost a lot of money... but they're paid to listen and give you advice (which they learned from lots of school). I went to a counselor in a very dark period of my life. She advised me to think back to the time when I was strongest and happiest with myself... and do something a bit every day that makes me stronger. (For me, it was remembering that I was once a very strong and tough karate girl!) I mean, self-esteem is a very important thing-- how you perceive yourself doesn't matter in the long run on how people view you but *you* have to deal with yourself more than anyone else. You need to take care of yourself sometimes and think about what you need and want. If expressing yourself and being sad is what you need, do it. I do, however, think that you should find a place from the past where you were really, really strong and happy, and remember that that is a possiblity for you! and try to grasp at it again. I think you're doing it with knitting (you're damn good) and writing (again, damn good) -- and you've got quite the fanbase here cheering you on.

Best wishes to you. Have an amazing new year. Love to your kitties and to you.

Your fan in Japan,
meranie

its hard, the first few years...It becomes a dull pain later on..But i must say, i am better off alone than with the evil one...
loneliness is my first name...I hope it does not become yours..Glad you have friends, wish i did, seems like people only like happy people, the min the tears break away, so do the people you thought were your friends...
Things will get better, i know it..:-)
hugs,

Happy Christmas Laurie! 2006 will be the absolute best, you are on your way sweetie! Healing is slow, but, again, you ARE on your way!

Holiday Hugs from me and of course,Bladie Mae, the-take-no-shit-Queen Cat

The best way to move towards the future is to look within yourself. That's all any of us can ever reflect. And who wants to get toward to the future and discover that you're not really there? Not me.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Laurie! Don't let ANYONE tell you that you should "get over it already." Lulu is right -- healing is slow and there's no real way to speed it up. This is the third Christmas after my divorce and really, it's the first one since that I've felt happy and peaceful.

Many hugs, much cat slobbering from my 3 beasts.

Lisa

I read your posts every couple days... you have brought joy to a complete stranger this Holiday. May you have all the joy in the world. Merry Christmas. To loving ourself. Cheers!

Laurie,
Wishing you a future filled with merriment and joy from this moment of this Christmas and New Year on into the future!

Why should you be expected to just be fine this Christmas? You've lost a part of your life that had great meaning to you. Let it hurt and then let the pain make every moment after even sweeter.

Us humans (and our cats and llamas) out here in blogland send bits of our hearts to you this holiday and say thanks for putting joy into our lives with your writing!

I was thinking of you today. I know how hard this Christmas has been for you.

It's been a hard Christmas for me, too. I was divorced seven years ago and that first Christmas was terrible. We had split up just after Christmas the year before. That Christmas, I had starting dating someone around Thanksgiving, and I screwed up Christmas royally by trying to make our Christmas into one like I had had with my ex-husband. I bought the poor guy so many presents - I was a walking embodiment of coming on too strong.

I'm with someone now and have been for a long time - over five years. And yet I keep my distance in some ways; he hasn't met my parents, I've only met his mom once. We never spend holidays together. I spent the last two days at my parent's house with my sister, the other single child. My mom and her two spinster daughters. As my parents have gotten older, they have become more and more religious, and not in an inclusive, loving sort of way. And they have become more and more conservative, spouting RNC talking points, hating the "atheists and secularists" (of which I am one, unbeknownst to them). I'm terrified at what is happening to this country, the polarization, the anger, and I'm watching it in my own family. I keep my mouth shut and try not to upset my mother and all the while all I can think is: when will I be able to get out of this? Other people are happy to see their families, or they make their own families, and here I am, wishing I could be alone rather than be here, but also not wanting to be alone, wishing I could be in another family, or with a man I love, spending Christmas as part of something more than myself. At the same time that I want that, I also don't - I can't imagine again sharing my house, my life with someone the way I did. And I wonder if I'll ever get over that, will I ever want that again, or is that just over for me? My life is not bad; I've good good friends, a decent job, I paint and cook and knit and blog. But when all of your friends have children and in-laws and family to spend their Christmas with, it's so hard to be the one who is going home to an empty apartment. It's hard to admit that you are lonely, even if you are, honestly, terribly lonely.

I'm soory, that was a bit of a ramble - I guess I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, that other people are out there, struggling in their own ways with intimacy and relationships and forgiveness and aloneness. And we appreciate your honest writing. It make us - or at least me - feel less alone.

And, of course, I've got my cats, who are now begging for their bit of the leftover roast beef.

Laurie:

I am the original singleton in my family. When I was twenty, all of my cousins married. All of them! Still, I remained alone. Now, years later, six of them have divorced, leaving my female cousins divorced with children. I am still unmarried.

Those holidays I spent alone, or summers attending baby showers, were lonely, and I cried before attending many family parties. The worst part of single life isn't a life without hand holding or lovemaking, but the worst part is nursing a glass of wine alone on the couch in your aunts house, when everyone else is chasing children or nursing babies.

There is nothing wrong with being sad. Everyone mentions that it will get better, you'll find someone, that you have to move on. It is okay to feel lonely. It is better to feel something, even piercing pain, than to feel numb. I'm thinking of you, Laurie, and I understand.

I began reading your journal for the funny stuff, but the reflective stuff is beautiful. Honey, it does get better; I promise. I have spent many holidays alone, wondering if this was the Christmas that my ex would kidnap the kids (he never did). There have been many times when I have felt so lonely I thought that I would die from it. The ironic thing is that the loneliest times ever were when I was married and realized that it was all about him, never about me.

I see a couple, his hand gently on the curve of her back and, damn, I want that! I want a man who will cherish me, know that I am as special as I know that I am. It took me a long, long time (and some observant friends) for me to see how special I really am. The ex was never going to see it.

Your ex probably does think back to some of the wonderful times you had. He was actually being kind to you by moving on, freeing you to find yourself and then, eventually, to find someone who will truly love the sweet woman that you are. He must have known that you deserved better than him.

Yes, your friends are tired of hearing about it all because they could be you and they don't want to think about that. Save your venting for your counselor. Remember, too, that alcohol is a depressant and doesn't work well with antidepressants and truly getting on with your life. Allow yourself to feel the pain, acknowledge it, cry, let it all out, and love yourself a lot.

2005 was a very hard year. 2006 holds some very nice things for you, Lauriegirl. Bless you.

Hi Laurie,
Please know that you are in all our thoughts, and that we wish you the strength to get through this tough time. Just remember that we are here to listen to you, because we can completely empathize with you!
=:8
http://www.somebunnyslove.com

Even though I don't know you personally, I wish you strength and send lots of hugs. It's not a bad thing at all to feel sad and have those months and years when the only feeling you seem to have is sadness. I've noticed how strong person that kind of times have made me, and I do believe it's the same thing with you. You seem really smart and brave, this is not going to be an unsolvable situation for you. Carry on and keep on knitting those great works ;)

laurie,
i can't remember where i heard this quote, but i've been hanging onto it for dear life these past few months: the only person you HAVE to spend the rest of your life with is yourself.

you are a very worthy person of getting to know... look how many strangers you touch each and every day. this post made me cry a little, because i know how you feel... how the sadness echoes more on Christmas. i've been slowly counting the hours until it was over. it's 12:02 AM (on the east coast). it is over. i still feel sad, but i'm relieved. besides, as a wise girl said on my blog, won't this difficult Christmas make the future happy Christmases that much happier?

i'm sending you warm hugs and hoping that in 3 hours you will feel relief, too. thank you for everything you write... the good and bad and poignant. you are a wonderful person, i'm quite jealous that you get to spend time getting to know you. if that makes sense. it is 12:02 AM, afterall.

You gotta live life out loud and it might as well be real. We're here to "listen".Get it out. Get it ALL OUT. Thats a big step in healing. Give yourself all the time you need to acknowledge and deal with this.Then pass me the hash brown casserole and drink up shriner!!!! And git cha some more yarn.....

I am in a parallel universe with you. It was awful the first year without exH, without my children and no parents, even, to "fall back on."
I hadn't ever felt that alone. But it was the beginning of knowing that I matter to me. Of knowing that I matter to lots of other people, even if they weren't quite the ones I'd hoped. It was the beginning of realizing that it wasn't my FAULT.
You are lovable. You are loved. And I hope YOU know that sooner than you can imagine.

My heart aches for you, you beautiful, sweet soul you.It sounds so dumb, but darlin', brighter days ARE ahead, but for now just keep right on spilling to all of us that care and are routing you on. It is good for you and helps heal. BIG HUG.

I was thinking of you over Christmas, hoping you'd be able to sleep through the day, or enjoy lying in bed with the cats.

It sounds like your parents really love and care for you. They can't take away your pain but enjoy their love.

Hang in there.

PS: Forgot to mention this, but I've been using felted joins ever since reading it on your site. Has saved me heaps of wool (when you are knitting in expensive Noro Kureyon every inch counts) and heaps of aggravation trying to avoid unsightly knots even at the side.

PS: Forgot to mention this, but I've been using felted joins ever since reading it on your site. Has saved me heaps of wool (when you are knitting in expensive Noro Kureyon every inch counts) and heaps of aggravation trying to avoid unsightly knots even at the side.

The tears are falling, I'm quietly sobbing - as much from your entry as the replies. It's hard to be honest about yourself and how you feel, it's hard to be lonely. But obviously many of us have felt this way, discovered some things about ourselves and found our capacity to love increased.

It's important to love yourself, Laurie, and that means accepting the loneliness and knowing you can deal with it. Consider this period the labor pains involved with birthing Laurie - whom many of us have glimpsed and know is worthy of love.

Sending you hugs and a fresh hanky. Please write soon, ok?

There is nothing I can add that hasn't already been said. Except to agree, we are here for you and glad you didn't edit out the bad. It helps to get it out in the open and I believe all of us in our own way can relate to how lonely you are feeling. It is a dreadful feeling especially at the holidays when everywhere you turn it is all about family, friends and love. Kin to emotionally being skinned alived.

cyberhug

I hope today is brighter! I can't add anything else
either to these wonderful notes. I hope they helped you get through a tough day. Now carry on being the Laurie we love, inside and out, no matter what. Hugs, xo

Laurie -

Christmas isn't what it should be to anyone. I really believe that. It's just a day that amplifies the emptiness in everyone's lives. Those who are childless feel sad because they should be celebrating it with children. Those of us who don't have perfect families, or have lost parents, feel alone because they aren't with us, or because the shadows of divorce have made things more difficult.

Everyone feels it, I think, and those who say they don't are just pretending, and isn't it better to be honest? It's like losing something - the holidays have a way of blowing us inside out and it feels like everyone can see our shortcomings and sorrows. But they can't, really, since they're all too focused on their own problems.

It was just a day. One day, and today, the world is back to normal - shopping, relaxing and trying to focus on the rest of their lives.

Thank God. :)

xxoo

I'm not tired of hearing that you're sad.

Aara

I have to say...there are those out there listening...99 comments before mine, wow.

Keep writing, keep shouting, keep letting it out. I remember my Christmas after my divorce...with three kids. I didn't want a tree, didn't want lights, didn't want to knit, nothing, but I kept going, be it the kids or the cats, you need to take it day to day for yourself, not for anyone else.

Keep your chin up and eyes forward...make 2006 a wonderful year for yourself.

Laurie,

I know that you mean when you worry about people being sick of hearing about you feeling bad, or sad, or alone. It happens to all of us sometimes--you reach a point when you know that you still feel bad, but you think "do I stil want to talk about it?" even though you know you need to. Because your friends or family start to look at you like you should be over it by now.

But you're not.

There is no schedule for this stuff.

So don't stop. I think that internalizing it would be worse. And if you don't use this blog for a place to "exhale" all of the yuck you are feeling, then definitely find someone who's job it is to listen to people venting all day. It is no different than hiring a guy to rotate your tires, seriously. The great difference being that mechanics are not covered by insurance. (Wouldn't that be great???)

Divorce is awful--makes you feel bad, and anytime you don't do "well" in a relationship, it makes you wonder is something wrong with you. (Did/Does for me, anyway) Relationships are like that for people who put a lot of effort into them. You tried. Maybe the problem is that you were the only one in that relationship who was trying. I don't know...

You have a lot of people every day assuring you that it isn't you...it wasn't you. We'd love to all give you a big hug. We're still listening. We know what's going on. Some of us are "new" to the sadness and suckiness--you don't scare us! LOL!! But, we also understand that as much love as we send you, we're mostly just a bunch of words on a computer screen. Maybe it doesn't feel like a "real" hug. And let's face it--the physical part of a relationship is one of the most signifant things that we miss! ("Can somebody just treat me like a hot piece of ass for a while today? That would be nice...")

So, it's complicated. Not blog complicated--more like, BOOK complicated. There is sooooo much to talk about, even with all the living out loud that you do. Really. You could hire a professional, spill for an hour twice a week, and STILL have enough for a daily essay.

Which we would ALL read.

And not be sick of.

Much love,

Shelly P.

You're a wonderful writer and a beautiful person. Thank you for writing the hard parts, it's nice to know I'm not crazy and alone for feeling the same ways you do a lot of the time (or maybe we are both crazy, and all the better for it!).

Christmas is over, so now let's be happy again!

...and those yarn ball ornaments!!! OMG!!! Now I know *exactly* what I will do with all those "not quite long enough to make anything out of but too pretty to throw away" yarn scraps! Ahhh, the relief!

Please be the lady who hugs strangers.

Girl, did I not tell you to get on a plane and get the heck out of town for Christmas -- preferably Paris or Bora Bora? You BETTER not do this next year -- one post-divorce pity Christmas is all you're allowed. From this point on, grab a friend, (or heck, I'll go, I've got a million FF miles and am always looking for an escape), go somewhere fab and never look back! The world is your oyster! Think of the possibilities!

A few thoughts.

You can still be alone in a marriage. And it feels awful because it feels like you shouldn't be. That to be lonely when you are married to a wonderful man is just wrong.

It's okay to be just as sad as you need to be. You deserve to support yourself in your sadness and to enjoy it. Much better than just holding it in and letting it poison your life.

You can learn to reflect your self. You already like yourself. So tell yourself what's so great about you.

Jeez I love your blog - and I love reading about you - you are amazing.

Remember, every day's a gift. Even if you want to return some of them.

(oh, god, that's so hokey, even for me - please forgive me)

Laurie - you a whole person - a WHOLE, WONDERFUL, WOMAN. You do not need the reflection of another person to see the wonderful, warm, witty woman that you are. You are just at a point in your life where there is time and space to truly discover and feel that. Sometimes it is a hard and lonely road. I am sorry that the marriage didn't work our the way that you wanted. It isn't your fault, he just chose a different path and now is your time in life to discover yours. Thank you for sharing your foibles and vulnerabilities, we are with you all the way. You're not the only one alone, you've go great companionship in you self and your furry children, Lord knows we are love you in crazy aunt purl land. Hang in there kiddo, we love ya.

Girl, I busted out laughing at this:

"It's like that on Valentine's Day, when you suspect that everyone is getting lucky except you."

'Cause I don't suspect it, I know it! When I was in my almost-married relationship with CrazyPants (lasted four years. Four years TOO LONG) Valentine's Day was by far the worst day for us. Arguments. Drama. No sex. I thought that there must be something to this Valentine's Day thing for other people if it's such a huge part of our romantic culture. Shiiit, now I'm through with Ms. CrazyPants, I've come to realize that Valentine's Day doesn't mean anything. The deeply discounted chocolates and wines afterward, though, mean everything.

I hope you have all the best in the New Year (deeply discounted chocolates and wines included)! Keep writing, even when you're sad. Hopefully no one here expects you to be happy all the time. I sure don't. Take care of yourself.

Keep writing about your struggles, CAP. Even during the hard times, you still make us laugh and cry and groan and go hmmmm....

It makes the rest of us realize how very warm and funny and wonderful and approachably human you are. Screw Mr. "I-need-to-get-my-creativity-back". Christmas spent without you (and every new year he spends without you) is his loss. You are going to be better than okay. You're fine with us, your adoring fans and friends.

Much love and wishes for the happiest of new years!

(Remember, if you're ever in OKC, just look me up. You will always have a place to stay during those book signing tours that I know are in your not-too-distant future!)

Laurie:

I read your blog every day and this one struck me in a deep way. That sadness is intense and so painful. I used to live in Costa Mesa and I was married for three years. In Jan of 2003,I chose to leave my husband and the separation was messy. I just found out today that he is getting remarried this Sunday and even tho I know that it is for the best, it is still painful. What is that about? This is a man who was not the best choice for me, who didn't understand me and who did things in defense of himself that I found to be reprehensible (he would probably say the same about me). And, since I left him, I went through an intense depression followed by much dating and dancing and getting crazy followed by meeting my current boyfriend who I will probably be marrying eventually. I know that I never want to be with the ex again and yet... I can't seem to let go of him. Maybe it's just that I don't want to let go of the hope for the kind of life that I aspired to have with him. We had a house and doggies and all of those things but we were missing key ingredients, like good communication and compassion. Maybe it's the failure of a marriage, maybe it's the shame that comes from knowing the choices that I made. It is all overwhelming.
Hang in there Laurie. I have no idea when you get to crawl out of the pain and see the light. It is a slow process. Getting out and meeting other people definitely helps. Knowing that there are other folks in the world that you click with is crucial to healing. Figuring out what you want, who you are and making sure that you don't sell your soul to get it is really important.
Every day, I dial in to see how you're doing, how your knitting is coming along and whether you have had yet another revelation. It helps me to get perspective on my situation.
You are such a joy and so fricking smart. I know that there is someone out there for you (probably a few someones), it's just a matter of you being ready to meet them.
Gotta take a deep breath today and take this crazy life one moment at a time....maybe I need to make a list...hahahaha. Norma.

Hi Laura!

So... these four women I know IRL mention your blog semi-regularly and after hearing about it over the Christmas holiday for the zillionth time I decided to follow kat's link here from her blog today. ...anyway, I have gone through a bunch of your archives and just wanted to thank you for the cool entries and great insights and 1st rate entertainment! (I might've even gleaned a little knitting knowledge, tho I resisted...believe me.) I also wanted to tell you even a man (and an Aries...sorry =) can identify with a lot of what you write about. It's blog therapy for everyone! Huzzah!

Oh, and I'll do you one better on that Valentine's Day thing when you're driving by *suspecting* that everyone is getting lucky except you. I *KNOW* IT. Seriously, I have an xray gizmo for my iPod. ;-)

~d

I just went through my first Ecksmas without my significant other of 3 years/housemate of 2 years/best friend of 9 years/man I was gonna marry and have babies with. I just had to leave a comment because visiting your blog for the first time blew me away. The man I went through Ecksmas without left me very suddenly about 4 months ago - and gave me almost exactly the same reasons you mentioned in your about page that you got to hear... Mine was/is a musician. And I have many, many times both uttered and shouted the same phrase you used. GODDAMN HIM! I'll never understand how having a supportive and positive person in your life holds back your creativity... but apparently, this is an epidemic? God help us.

Guess I just wanted to give a shout out - Reading this post made me feel better about the fact that I myself was miserably depressed on Ecksmas. I guess misery loves company. But, only when it is the very specific kind of misery you yourself are experiencing...

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