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December 21, 2005

Holidays: Peace, love, harmony and GET OUT OF MY WAY.

Have ya'll noticed that as Christmas zooms precariously nearer, the driving skills of our fellow citizens have rapidly deteriorated? Or is it just me? Maybe it's just Los Angeles? Maybe I'm just grumpy?

With the impendingness of the holidays, you'd think people would be nicer and happier. Au contraire! Some guy literally shoved me aside on the sidewalk this morning because I did not get the memo re: the world revolving around him. Maybe it got lost in the mail. Maybe he should have also laid off the cologne because I swear he left a stink handprint on me.

So! In the spirit of list-making and libation, and also not killing each other as the Christmas season reaches its apex of HAPPINESS DAMMIT, NOW MERGE OR I WILL FLIP YOU OFF, here are some basic tenets of personal responsibility that will endear you to your fellow humans. Kind of like free holiday gifts to all of humankind.

Top Ten Ways To Make The World A Better Place

1) Wait for the person who is in the elevator to actually get out of the elevator before you try to shove yourself in. This also goes for the bus and train, too. You see, crazy as it sounds, I cannot get off the bus if you are stepping on me to get in. It's like... a law of physics or something: "Matter cannot occupy a spot in the elevator that is already occupied." Ya'll should know this from Discovery Channel.

2) I would like to talk to you about all the smells. This one is just selfishness on my part, because I have a really strong sense of smell. It's ... a curse. Because strong smells are amplified in my olfactory factory eleventy hundred percent, which means your strong perfume? The one you bathed in? It might make me physically ill. So, if you leave a trail of really strong perfume behind you -- especially if the smell lingers after you walked through a full ten minutes ago -- you might want to reconsider the amount you use. It really isn't necessary to bathe in it. Consider it frugal as well! You use less perfume and save money! And who couldn't use a little extra cash this holiday season?

3) Let's talk about personal space. If I can tell you've had coffee and a garlic bagel for breakfast then YOU ARE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO ME. If you are behind me in line at the grocery store, and I flip my hair and hit you in the nose? YOU ARE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO ME. There's no need to physically close the gap at the grocery store... you're next in line! You'll still be next in line even if you take a step backwards! I promise.

4) Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. Please for the love of God just do this one small thing. I know you are busy and important, but your germs are still disgusting and gross. Please. I beg.

5) Hello drivers! Here's a crazy concept! Use your turn signal. (Or where I'm from they're called "blinkers." So cute! Blinkers! NOW USE THEM.) Also, don't tailgate. Stop honking at pedestrians. In fact, just go home and re-read your driver's handbook, and pay close attention to the definition of "right of way." Notice you do not have the right of way at all times. Isn't that something?

6) If your car can comfortably seat eight, then it is NOT a compact car! Just a tip.

7) If you take public transportation, keep in mind that you should behave as if you were in public. Crazy, huh? Don't leer, don't stink, don't be disgusting, and don't talk to strangers, especially when you are staring at their boobs. Also, stop staring at strangers' boobs. Don't pick your nose or other orifices. Try to keep a lid on it until you get home and then you can go buckwild crazy at home. What a deal!

8) Finally, if you have a habit that wasn't covered here, but is a behavior that makes people swear at you, give you the finger, or give you dirty looks, it's probably something you should stop doing immediately. Thanks.

It's a Top Ten List that as usual stops short of ten because I need more coffee. Happy Holidays, ya'll ... I'm going to take a few days off. Be kind to your fellow humans! And please ... use your blinkers.


Posted by laurie at December 21, 2005 10:59 AM