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December 1, 2005

December 2005 Hor-O-Scopes

Last month I got a significant amount of email from nice Aries folks who feel that I am not giving their sign a fair shake, seeing as you-know-who is an Aries and all.


This led to some discussion at Stitch 'n Bitch (which is tonight by the way, West Hollywood Farmer's Market, 3rd and Fairfax) and after remarks about my crappy Aries prognostications from some nice Aries S-n-B knitters, a brilliant idea was stumbled upon. (This is what happens when you get me and Jen and Gwen talking about astrology over wine and yarn. Brilliance!)

So, I rosined up my bow and played my fiddle hard, chickens in the breadpan pickin' out dough (after all this time I still have NO IDEA what that means) and ... where were we? Oh! Horoscope brilliance! Well, this month each sign has the normal meandering, useless predictions as usual ... PLUS a bonus reading for Evil Exes. Yay! Problem solved!

I don't think I'll do this feature every month since there's only so many ways to say "You suck" in astro-lingo. But it's good for December, a.k.a. "Divorce Month," a.k.a. "Yes I am Spending Christmas Alone" month. Enjoy!


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Romance and love and depression are all one thing for you right now, one in the same. The holidays can be lonely and it's definitely the cruddiest time of year to be drinking morning coffee with the cat instead of your companion. But this is just ONE month out of MANY. Getting stuck in the glum will prevent you from enjoying the bright spots this season holds. Exhibit A: Sparkly lights and pretty things. Exhibit B: Half-off sales on the 26th and Exhibit C: Some serious chemistry between you and a date in the first few weeks of 2006. Things will look up, little Aquarian, don't despair. Unless you want to despair. In which case, um, I am right there with you. My drink of despair is a nice Beaujoulais, yours...?

IF YOUR EX IS AN AQUARIUS... Unlike the good side of Aquarius, those who can see both the grey clouds *and* the silver lining, you are just in the dark. Probably because the cloud hovering overhead is REALLY grey. And... probably about to dump rain on you. Too bad so sad!

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Been listening to a lot of music lately? Trying to avoid coming down with a bad case of Holiday Spirit, are you? I suspect all those song lyric cliches are keeping you from truly getting into the moment, living out loud the way we do nowadays. (I'm trying to start the Livin' Out Loud movement... like Scientology only not creepy. Less jumpy on the couchy.) You, pisces, are the psychic of the zodiac. Imagine for a moment that we are all zodiac siblings, a family of 12. You are our listener, the one who feels us. We need you in your true skin, not some put-on-made-up mantra for the season of grieving. Besides, that silver lining in your cloud goes so well with your candor and kindness. Live. Out. Loud! We need to hear what you have to say!

IF YOUR EX IS A PISCES... Actually, we don't need to hear what you have to say. We're happy when you Live Not Out Loud. Or become a Scientologist... which is probably what will happen. You may now commence jumping on the couch.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)

Like a heat-seeking radar, I am most jealous of you this month. I know you're getting it on. Even if it's just the metaphorical matress mambo. You are emphatically spicy. You have those middle-of-the-night dreams ... and these lingering looks ... and that sultry half-undone look of someone who is gonna get what she wants. You radiate enough heat this month to cook Christmas Dinner. Cook, darlin, and if they show up for the meal all the merrier. Metaphorically speaking. Ya'll know.

IF YOUR EX IS AN ARIES... This holiday season will be all about you you you. AGAIN. Happy! Exciting! Until the one night you wake up. And you are totally alone. And you reach across an empty bed and realize maybe the best years of your life have already passed, and your one true love is sleeping in a different house on the other side of the city, and you can never, ever get her back. Because even though you broke her heart, you did not break her. And she will never, ever love you again.

Whoops! Back to hor-o-scopes! More astrology, less therapy!

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
The U.S. Department of Holidays has declared this "Happy to be Me Month," in which you and YOU ONLY will finally release that pile of grudge, forget about the mean comment you overheard, stop chasing the one who can't remember your phone number and get a full 8 hours of sleep a night. Take a chance and follow the government’s decree of equal opportunity happiness. What do you have to lose besides stress headaches and premature aging? No Retin-A can cure the wrinkles of a thousand bitter grimaces. FREE THE SMILE WITHIN. Indeed.

IF YOUR EX IS A TAURUS... The U.S. Department of Holidays has just revoked your Happiness Card. Please proceed immediately to the "Audits" line, where we shall inventory your good and bad deeds. Thank you, drive through.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Ever heard the old proverb, "She who holds a quarter between her knees never gets screwed." ? Um, well maybe it isn't a proverb, It might be one of my Grandma's famous sayings. (You really have to meet my grandma one day. She's a hoot and a holler!) Still, this proverb is profound in every way. If you are busy holding those knees together you'll have better posture. Better posture leads to better self-image. Better self image leads to ... possible loosening up. Which leads to... whoops! There goes the quarter! Twenty-five cents is a teetiny investment for such a big payoff. Agree?

IF YOUR EX IS A GEMINI... Take this quarter and call someone who cares. Then when that person doesn't answer, and you get the quarter back? You can put it in the place where there is no sunshine.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Ends - Beginnings - the stink of CHANGE. I loathe it. And since you're a Cancer, I know you loathe it, too. Just when you thought you had a grasp on 2005, you're a month from 2006! This makes you crazy, upside-down and ass-over-teakettle. It isn't easy to embrace the coming year and make holidays cozy if you're exhausted from all the denial, and frustrated by hanging on to your comfort zone. My dad was right when he said, "The only thing you can count on is change." Embracing this concept is a radical about-face for Crabs, but I guarantee you once you have fully accepted change as a natural condition, it will transform your whole outlook. Let's go have a nice glass of spiked cider and sit in a cozy room and wear something warm and then, when we feel ok, we'll all try to look forward to a new year of ass-over-teakettle. The good news is: We may actually see a few nice asses.

IF YOUR EX IS A CANCER ... Well, um. I am a Cancer. And I am an Ex. So I am pretty sure we defy the Ex Logic and we just rock all the time. Don't hate.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I broke out the thesaurus just for you. I found something in your size.... Fearless: Courageous, brave, unafraid, bold, undaunted, unflinching, daring, valorous, stout-hearted, bodacious, gutsy, confident, heroic, intrepid, spunky, ballsy. Yeah, try that on and see how you like it. What? Doesn't fit? Oh, you'd rather wear afraid, frightened, spineless, mousy and cowardly? Whatever. Then hear this one: Choice: option, free-will, pick, determination and desire. This is not easy. I can't tell you that choices are going to leave you feeling particularly ballsy, but you sure will know where your spine is. And it's a very nice spine, so pretty! We likey.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Fastidious. Controlled. Serious. hardworking. (Apparently I still have my thesaurus open from Leo, oops!) It's hard to keep up with your perfect standards when the rest of the zodiac is so freaking imperfect, eh? We never return your phone calls on time or send email to your satisfaction, and basically we just don't have our shit together. Then one day you wake up to a flood of needy voices. Phone calls. Letters, email en masse, knocking on the door, someone asking this or wheedling about that, obligations, responsibility, flossing. You just have no time! You are crazy madsick busy and the only thing you can possibly do to reserve any shred of sanity is lock yourself in the bathroom and yell. Now. (If it's any consolation, we only cling to you because we love you.)

IF YOUR EX IS A VIRGO ... Um, the other Virgos have people calling them all the damn time because they're so cool. You have people calling you and demanding things from you because you're ... well, probably a divorce lawyer. SLIME. In fact, I am sure you are a divorce lawyer or some other foul type of soul-sucker. We are going to stop calling you. Now.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
You are the vanguard of social change. Your lofty ideals of fairness and equality have yet to permeate the masses, and we're still pretty shallow and contemptuous. For example, I am truly embarrassed that I know every word to MANY Britney Spears songs. You are truly embarrassed that you know someone who knows Britney Spears lyrics. Embarrassment-by-association is one of those things I urge you to leave behind in the coming year. Besides, you have so much fighting spirit -- I'd like to see you champion some great cause or start a mini-rebellion against injustice... in comparison, embarrassment seems a little, um, embarrassing, wouldn't you say?

IF YOUR EX IS A LIBRA ... You are kind of embarrassing yourself, which is why you are now an EX.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)

I like your lips. You say what's on your mind and that's a change. Why don't others appreciate your candor? I dunno. Maybe you're rude. Maybe they aren't as enlightened as you are. I would say it's half and half. You're half blowsy and half brilliant, and they are half annoyed at your manners. So, in true peace-on-earth form, make some concessions this holiday season: I'll let you be witty and wise as long as you don't bite my head off and make acerbic remarks at my expense. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to ferret out the source of your anxiety and release it before the clock strikes midnight on Dec 31. Your reward: A new era of ass-kicking fueled by self-respect and my never-ending adoration. I do love me a Scorpio. I do!

IF YOUR EX IS A SCORPIO ... Way to go with the "pissing off of everyone who ever liked you." Yeah. Way to go, guy.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Have you finished anything you started this past year? Ok, don't answer that question. You'll start to answer, sure, then get off on a tangent about why you got sidetracked, and before we know it we'll be halfway to next year and you'll still be ruminating over some perceived ill brought on by A: Your terrible financial situation B: Your family or C: something involving seduction. Just answer this: is there ONE thing you really regret NOT doing? Regret is a sneaky sucker who comes up from behind us and steals our happiness, bit by bit. Foul. Once you know what you will regret, the only true regret is being to lazy scared to go after it. If you managed to unravel that last sentence, you deserve to know this one final thing: 2006 has a lovely happiness waiting for you. You can get there. I know it.

IF YOUR EX IS A SAGITTARIUS ... No happiness awaits you in 2006 because you probably incurred some very bad karma and also, I can see your fung shui hanging out over your waistline and it IS NOT PRETTY.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Let's play truth or dare. I'll tell you the truth about why you've been so cerebrally cramped lately, and then I dare you to break out the mental Motrin and be all the woman you can be. Or man. You get the idea. My mother used to say, "confession is good for the soul because it makes room for more sin." So confess away, baby, and make room for a full season of sin that starts with that one single dare, maybe an impulse buy? Something slinky or sparkly or soft, or write the email you've been too reserved to send, or read something naughty, do something in secret that makes you feel pampered. Then confess to someone about it and make room for even more sin! Blame it on Mercury which goes direct on December 3rd. (I had to add that last bit in to make this seem more legit for ya'll. I know how reasonable Cappies are!)

IF YOUR EX IS A CAPRICORN ... You're boring and kind of a tightwad and that's probably why you've been experiencing the worst constipation lately. Hope it all comes out in the end. HAH HAH.

Posted by laurie at December 1, 2005 11:04 AM