Ya know, my friend has been divorced five years. She has a guy friend that she does things with but just now, after five years, is starting to think about dating. She kept asking me all this time if this was abnormal. I told her NO! she needed time to heal her heart and it needed a lot of healing. When you are ready. you will know it; try not to let others make you feel quilty for not being ready.

When the time is right, you will know....

Well, not that Sex and the City is the end-all, be-all, but didn't they have a quip about how it takes 1/2 the time you were together to really "get over" it and move on? In my case, that means I have almost another year.

Explaining why I am home, knitting socks, on a Saturday night. And reading blogs. And have spent the past week perseverating on if my plans tomorrow are "Brunch" or just "brunch"...and if I care? And if I should sabotage it because I don't want to deal with everything that comes with dating.

Right, what was that about leaving your life story in the comments of someone else's blog?

Hey, you said "tin foil!" I don't know anyone else that says that!! Nobody but my family! YAY! I'M NOT CRAZY!!

It doesn't matter what they all think.. it only matters when it feel right to YOU.

And you def. don't want a guy who kicks cats off the couch. Sheesh.

What you need, is a nice glass of wine, and some knit-therapy. C'mon over. I have both.

Ahhh tin foil.. a fellow southerner...

Wait as long as you need to, but don't push anyone away if someone comes into your life unlooked for.. 'cause you never know.

But,

Until you no longer think about the betrayal.. it won't be the right time.

Hey, if you're not ready, you're not ready. And really, your family and friends had better understand that you can't involved with someone when you are ready.

Trying to force something as difficult as a relationship is under the best circumstances, is just an exercise in frustration and doomed to failure. And who needs that?

At the same time, there's nothing wrong with having the desire for that special someone. And not contradictory in the least. The "idea" of someone in your life is vastly different from the "reality".

Patience my friend. You'll know when it's right.

Laurie,

I understand what you mean. At work, this is this super hot guy and when I think about him, my uterus contracts a little. Really. He's that hot. My uterus is saying, "GIVE HIM BABIES!! GAA!! BABIES BABIES BABIES!" Anyway. I'm not ready, obviously, or I wouldn't be telling you about it, like Julie, through the comments section of your blog.

"Yet" is the key word. Trust it. Don't rush it.

Contrary to what some friends and family believe, you don't need a man to make you a whole person. You do, however, need to be a whole person in order to have a healthy relationship, much less recognize a "healthy" dude when he wanders into your gun sight.

The way I see it, I live in Sacramento and the guy that I am supposed to meet and marry lives in LA. Enjoy him. I'm certainly not going to. Heck, I'd probably throw him out after he was all hot and sexy in the kitchen.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm one of the invisible weekend readers (therefore nonexistent? but yet I'm writing this? oof, existential headache.)

And I know what you mean - with the red sharpie (perhaps in a craft box under a bed?) and dating when it feels like you're just watching a movie of yourself in various awkard situations with a stranger.

There is no set time for a broken heart to heal. When you are ready you will know. Plus just like Milinda says, you don't need a man to be happy. It is most important to find happiness with yourself. Hugs!

Totally agree with Amy. And any woman who puts up with a man who kicks cats off the couch is the one with problems, not you.

When in doubt knit. Extra-long gorgeous scarfs, warm fuzzy feet, silk-cashmere sweaters, super-soft hats. You'll get there. And have some great souvineers of your journey.

I'm so sorry that your "date" didn't work out. Well, maybe it did. Now you know you are not ready.

I haven't been through a divorce so I have no advice. My DH has been and it took him a while to date. We got married 9 YEARS after he divorced his first wife....

(shhhh, he's 13 years older than me. I was 13 when he got divorced and NO I didn't know him then)

Take your time and don't feel pressured. And, um, isn't a hand on your leg on the first date kind of ODD? I mean, okay, I've been known to jump in the backseat with a boy on the first date, but still. Hand-on-leg action seems kind of forward to me.

(woops, guess this is turning into a real sharing kind of place!).

And, Rayleen, I say tin foil.

Just looking to see if CAP posted any thing new for the weekend...wonder when she'll have that yard sale....nope, don't see anything, don't see a thing different; place looks just about the same as yesterday...I'll just mosey right on along, then... poke my head back in during the week....

From what you've been writing, you sound like you have been doing very well on your own, learning all kinds of things about yourself and figuring things out. If you decide to date, do it on your own terms and because it feels right to you... advice is nice, but in the end you are the only one that knows what you need.

I feel like I totally missed the point with that. I know what I'm trying to say... oh well. Sending love to you, anyways.

YAY!! I love weekend posts!(Cause I get into the top 50).
If you don't want to date. Don't date. Expose your thoughts/feelings to us. We're much more friendly and open.
His hand on your thigh and all you're thinking about is shopping?? Yeoww!! At least I know what HE was thinking.... I will NEVER understand a woman. Ya'll are ALIENS!!!

That wee little word ~yet~ so small, but in this context so important. Do not worry about what everyone else wants for you, no matter how well intentioned they may be.

When it's time, you'll know. And there is no set amount of time that is right. It's been 3 years now for me and I'm not quite there yet and I'm not really sure when I will be. However if the 1/2 as long rule really is true, guess I've got another 7 years to go.

Oh, and you definitely don't want anyone who doesn't like cats.

Liza {who's also a divored woman with four cats *and* two kids}

No one reads your blog on the weekends. Nobody. But, if they did, you would probably be just as endearing for your serious, painfully honest weekend posts as you are for you hilarious, painfully honest weekday posts.

If you aren't ready, you just aren't ready. And all those people who are rooting for you to find someone really just want to see you happy. See you finding joy in your life in spite of the heartbreak of the last +/-year. If that means a new romance, then so be it, but if it means 4 cats, intarsia, more wine and visits from Annie Modesitt, then that's ok, too. The people who really love you will be happy for your happiness, no matter what that entails.

Anyway, who the hell would want a guy who would kick your cat off the couch anyway? Jackass. :)

I would love to date, but sadly, nobody wants me....

Oh Hon, we love you for your openess, fluff and humour-and as everyone else on here has already said..you'll know when you're ready. It will get better. I know it sounds trite and cliche..but time will help. Just know that we're all rooting for you and sending good wishes your way!

Well I am reading...on a weekend. Because I too am really not *into* dating right now. I have way too many other things to do to keep me occupied. Unfortunately going OUT isn't one of them tonight, as I have 4 kids (and 2 extras sleeping over)

A friend of mine pointed me toward your blog and I'll admit that it's 1 of 2 that I read. I hope you don't mind but I added the link to my own blog (which I just designed and started this week...what can I say...I'm hooked LOL)

After being a practised "I can't be right, everyone else is right but me" for quite some time, I have learnt to trust my own instincts and be truthful to myself. If I'd learnt to do that years ago then I may have avoided all the difficult times and being tied up in knots emotionally. You sound like you already know what your instincts tell you - don't let anyone else convince you otherwise however well-meaning they are. And I'm sure I don't need to tell you this: don't forget that he was the one with the problem, not you. You sound lovely, interesting and courageous.

Hi there. I'm new to your blog, and yes, a weekend reader just because I really enjoy the blogging community and honestly kind of miss you all on weekends.

Just two things I wanted to say: 1) GOOD FOR YOU for treating yourself to the haircut you can't afford. If it made you feel good, it's totally worth it. YOU are totally worth it. Don't forget that. 2) When you're ready, you'll know. Until then don't worry about it. Look after yourself first. The rest will come when it's time. You're too beautiful and fun for it not to.

Laurie, hon, you will be ready for dating and starting a new relationship when YOU are ready - not when your well meaning family and friends think you should be ready. Don't rush yourself or let anyone else rush you. Trust yourself.

And I'm definately with Melinda's first paragraph - you don't need a man (or partner if you're so inclined) to be a whole person. You need to be your own whole person first before you can enter into any meaningful relationship.

You're doin' fine, honey. It hurts like the dickens sometimes, we all know that and are here for you to talk about it with. You're doin' fine.

And by the way, I have only lived in New England all my life and I say "tin foil."

Ya know, Laurie, the time will be right when you least expect it and aren't even looking for anything. There will just suddenly be someone that maybe you have just met or had not ever considered before and you will unintentionally start to consider the possibilities. It will not feel forced or manipulated. Then you will know the time is right and it will all be good.

Aw hell, what Leslie said. You've got a burgeoning new life with your good friends, your knitting and your cats. That is more than enough to handle right now. It sounds like you know that you're not ready, and that's fine. But it doesn't stop you from enjoying hot guys cooking for you! :)

Oh, I just wish I could hug you, buy you some yarn and wine, and tell you not to let this get you down. It's not as big as it seems right now. You are the most amazing mix of self-sufficient adult and sweet gentle girl I've ever encountered. And let me emphasize AMAZING -- you are, you know.

I remember trying to date again after my first* divorce and thinking, "I'm just too tired to start all of this over and do ALL that work again." I wanted someone who had ALREADY seen me in my sweats with the hole in the ass and for whom I didn't need to brush my hair or paint my nails. I forgot they don't come like that -- that it develops over time. But it's hard, after being married, to go back to that level of formality in a relationship. It makes the intimacy that you had in your marriage seem sooooo distant and unattainable. It's not; it'll develop when and if you come across someone who inspires you to "do ALL that work again." Sounds like this guy just didn't inspire you.

Keep knitting, playing, drinking wine, spending time with your friends, and being your wonderful little self. It sounds like you have a fantasic and complete life as it is. If someone comes along with whom you want to do a little work, then it's just icing on your already-perfect cake.

And, for what it's worth, it seems to me that the ones we end up with for the long haul are the ones that seem to be the least likely candidates. Sooooo, be on the lookout for the one that breaks ALL your rules and fills NONE of your requirements.

*Okay, so I'm practiced at this divorce shit.

Enjoy this time-when you're not interested in dating. You can do whatever you want, and remember you will be traveling the way you'd dreamed of-no macdonalds, etc. When you're not interested, btw, all the men are! I'm a former northern yankee, and have always said tin foil-still do.

It all takes time, Miz Purl. I hope it really doesn't take half the time you were together as one commentor pointed out (I'll be 63 before I'm ready to date then...LOL) but it does take some time. And you're examining who you are and what you really want from life and all that is so good for you. But hey, it must have felt good that a tall guy wanted to be in your kitchen. So there's that.

When you're ready you'll know it. And as someone else pointed out, when you least expect it is when love shows up.

Hope the yard sale goes really really well.

Hi, Julie the non-blogger here. :) Thank you for not minding my silliness; you are charming and graceful, dear. Take things in your own stride, trust your heart (and your gut), and you will do just fine. You are doing just fine, even when you don't much feel like you are.

BTW, how are your fuzzy feet turning out? Mine were a disaster; I made them for my daughter, but the cuff was too small to get past her heel! It would have fit, if only she could have gotten it on her foot. I don't know if I overfelted, or knit the wrong size, or what. We had a good laugh, threw them in the trash, and then she said, "Maybe you can knit me some regular socks. I want pink." So I have some work to do. :) Better luck to all my fellow fuzzy-feeters!

It won't work until you aren't ready and you can't fake it for others. Eventually, you will feel sort of ready and then finally, ready ready and then it will feel natural and not weird and icky. You are still mourning the loss and the what could have beens. It's natural and it will run its course. But, you will always feel the hurt, so if you are waiting for that to go away to move on...you'll be waiting a very long time. Just remember--it was him, his loss, and not you.

Been there, done that, and happy now (five years later) with Mr. Right(at last!)

One warning: Feeling angry at your ex when you're with someone nice is very normal. When I first started dating my now husband, I often found myself unable to pay attention to what he was saying because I was so focused on how he was so comfortable and willing to be nice, while my ex made any sort of relationship cooperation sound like an unreasonable demand.

I love you Aunt Purl! You rock! Just the way you are. Never look for someone to complete you, only to compliment you.

NO ONE EVER mistreats my animals....they can sit where they want, when they want. And many "friends" have found that out VERY fast! Your animals will always be there for you.

As for dating right now...forget it. No jumping from the "frying pan into the fire" girl.

Should have told me soon about your yardsale today, I would have came.

Tootles~

It is charming...and irritating. I know what you mean...they are that way in the separation stage here. "when you are ready, I know a lovely....blech." Makes me want to pass out just thinking about it.

But remember, a tall man in the kitchen doesn't a relationship make. Sometimes a tall man is just a tall man.....;)

What more can I add but ditto?

You shouldn't feel bad for not being ready. My mom has just now started asking me (1+ year post break-up date), if I'll ever THINK about MAYBE POSSIBLY EVER getting married again. I had to laugh, long and hard. Her main fear (I think most parents') is that I end up old and alone. Cuz friends are never the same as family...or something. It's a generation/upbringing difference.

Time is what all wounds require. Everyone heals at a different rate.

Good luck with the yard sale.

If you haven't already, you should read this post from "Bossy Little Dog".

http://yorkiedog.blogspot.com/2005/11/this-single-life.html

I agree with the other posters. You need time to be you for a while. When the time is right, things will happen--usually when you least expect it.

Just wanted to join my voice to the others -- take it easy. Your family wants you to be happy, but there are other ways to be happy than having a man in your life. I dated a little, a while back, but I decided that right now my kids are what make me happy. Right now, your knitting and cats might be what make you happy. Oh, and like with my kids, no one that is rude to your cats should even get to stay, much less be invited back!

Take your time...there is no rush! Damn all silly ticking clocks. Besides you definitely don't NEED a man. You're self sufficient and fabulous. :)

tell your wonderful, well-meaning friends you aren't ready and that you'll tell them when you are (now that you have realized it). the dating pool is like a series of bad dental appointments and you want to be prepared.

it's also been my life realization that my best relationships (i have had 3 real ones and i'm 45) came when i was absolutely not looking or dating at all. go figure.

i love you more each day, purlie girlie.

I'm glad you know you're not ready and you aren't willing to make a bad choice just because some people say you should be with someone NOW. I waited for 3 years after my divorce (longer marriage, kids, etc.), and I still chose another selfish, self-absorbed jerk. There are some books by Harville Hendrix about how to figure out what your inner criteria is for choosing partners - so you can have more conscious control over who you choose. They're pretty good. You gotta have someone who loves cats! But a lot of it isn't about matchy things you like, like in the personals, but how you approach conflict, and giving, and taking. IMHO

Believe me when I tell you that rushing into dating because it's "expected", or you think (or someone else tells you) that that's the best way to get over him or "OMG-I'm-Getting-Old-And-I-Must-Find-Someone-RIGHT-NOW" just doesn't work.

When my fiancee left me last holiday season, I was devastated. DEVASTATED. It wasn't just the end of a relationship, but it was the end of a whole period of my life - and my whole expectation of my future. Do you think that just goes away? Do you think a couple of months later you should just be "over it" and move on to the next man? I know some people seem to - by February, I had people telling me to "just get over it already" and "there's no better way to get over the last one than the next one".

But it was like I had experienced a mini-death - not just the loss of a relationship but the death of all of the things that were caught up in it. And that took time to heal. I needed to mourn it, and you can't do that in the meat market. It wasn't that I shut out everyone, but I needed to go at my own pace. Even now, I'm taking the dating scene slow - my sense of trust and self-esteem is still pretty weak, so it's harder than I remember it.

Some people may not understand that, but it doesn't make it any less real. Keep that in mind. You have to do what you need to to mourn your loss - which is on your timeline and no one else's. Only you know when you feel ready.

Sorry about the lecture, but I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. Wanted to let you know you're not alone. :)

::hugs::

Great advice from everyone! You are so cool and great as you are!!! Why do you need some guy tagging along? I'd say only if he's cool enough to be with you and YOU want him around should it even be considered. Why do well meaning friends and family think you "NEED" someone else?

I'm confused. What do people say besides "tin foil"? Is there any other way to call it?

i'll take you on a date if you want some practice runs.

what color will you be wearing, because i'll want to coordinate your corsage.

Laurie,

"Yet" IS the key operative here. It takes time - - LOTS of time. And patience. With yourself, and everything else. I was single for 5 years after my divorce. It took me that long to get to know just who I was and realize that I'm a damn good person, with or without a man in my life. Once I reached that stage, THEN I was ready!

I did not let my family or friends make me feel guilty for being "all alone" (and being Italian, they are REAL good at guilt trips!) - -

And as for the CATS, well - - it is THEIR home - - no one has the right to come into THEIR home and kick THEM off the couch - - I would be kicking THAT person out the door! I'm just sayin', is all . . . :-)

P.S. My family was from New York City, and they ALWAYS said "tin foil" - - it's a helluva lot easier than saying "aluminum" . . . :-)

Screw it....don't date. I stewed for a couple of years after my divorce. Embraced an empty bed (mine, mine, ALL MINE) enjoyed picking the channel on the TV without debate, eating popcorn for dinner and reading a book while eating at a resturant. Now I'm readjusting to someone else and looking back on being alone with something close to nostalgia. Do what works for you and enjoy yourself while you're doing it.

I call it tin foil & get corrected by my friend all the time. ("It's not TIN!") Okey dokey... anyhow.... On the one hand, I wish it would all just blow away & be light & breezy for you. To just sally forth & be a crazy dater without a look back. But then you wouldn't be as complex or sensitive or aware, and while it's painful, I appreciate that you put it in your blog. When the boy I thought I loved soooo much broke up with me, I (seriously, I did this) would go for walks in the dark & cry cry cry. For a long time afterwards, it wasn't just a two-week mourning period. Granted, this was 15 years ago & the world was a smidgen safer, but I will never forget that hurt, it's almost a dull ache that surfaces, when I read of others who have been so deeply wounded by someone they loved and remember the feeling, the ensuing project of having to pick up the pieces of something you never planned on breaking.
Hugs, and happy yard sale.

2 yrs, and still haven't been on a 'date'...so you're ahead of the game.

1) Nothing wrong with a tall man in the kitchen, so long as he doesn't get ideas about other rooms. But he who knows not the boundaries needs to be shown the door.

2) In my house, we called foil "Reynold's Wrap." We watched a lot of t.v.

I like fluff,especially marshmello fluff in my hot cocoa...
(((hUGS to you laurie)) follow your gut regardless of what anyone thinks..
Heidi

Hey

In NZ we say tin foil. Really, what's the alternative? How do we even know it's foil? What is foil anyway - go on, say foil over and over... now does it seem like a crinkly paper/metal substance to you?

too much coffee

Well don't force it. I can feel the akwardness from here. *shudder*

First off, the man would have been shown the door if he inappropriately touched one of my cats. The CatMan sealed the deal for me when he saw my cats and immediately invented voices for them and started a running monologue (trust me, it was - and still is - very funny). That's the kind of confirmation that comes in its own sweet time, Miss Purl. So you are right to just to go with the flow.

And in other blog news, I see your "Cleaning and the Meaning of Life" and raise you "Shelter for the Spirit" by Victoria Moran.

And finally, I love reading you any day of the week!

You should never have to look for a Sharpie! Sharpies in every color, especially the cute mini ones that you can put on a lanyard or zinger are necessities!

Just plain "foil" here. Although I love how the Brits on BBC America pronouce Al-lu-minn-eum with the accent on "minn" & the extra syllable.

Hugs to you. When you're ready, you're ready & not before. Trust your feelings.

Maybe it's just not time, baby. Relax. Time will do what it needs. Don't rush yourself. You will see ugly thing in people that aren't really there if you rush things. Take your time. We all love you out here. Sometimes all good thoughts are enough. Love you.

Whats the rush? Just wallow in your fabulousness until you are ready to have some man chopping your carrots and braising your breasts. Chicken in wine of course.. what?

thanks for your entry today. I have been single for the past nine months after a seven year relationship and I find that lately I am really struggling with the whole dating thing... It is nice to hear other's experiences.

Good for you! Ya tried.. Your NOT ready. Now ya know.

ummmm.... I know your growing and molting and becoming a shiny new you and all but.. there haven't been any new cat pictures lately.

I can't have any cats RIGHT NOW but I've always had cats and my daughter (who is 15mos) only lets me read your blog because you post cat pictures. She LOVES your cats. She calls them and kisses them and tries to pet them through the monitor. And being so young SHE has never had a cat. And since I know I sound totally crazy at this point I may as well go for it and ask for them to be clickable to a LARGER version of the cats because well my daughter LOVES them and I think if I kept that window on top I just *might* be allowed to check my email occasionally ;-)

Thanks OODLES!! :-X

Ah, Purly-Girl, you make an ache in my heart -- some for your current pain; some for the reminder of my own, which you describe in perfect detail.

I remember jumping into my new social life after the breakup and having so many new friends, so many new things to do ... and feeling more lonely than ever in my whole life. I don't have any answer for how to avoid this; only common sympathy and a warm hug through the 'net.

However, as to peaceful coexistence with the kitties -- if any new human can't play nice, kick them to the curb. Respect for the natives was my first rule. If not: last in, first out -- with the help of my foot if necessary.

Ah, Purly-Girl, you make an ache in my heart -- some for your current pain; some for the reminder of my own, which you describe in perfect detail.

I remember jumping into my new social life after the breakup and having so many new friends, so many new things to do ... and feeling more lonely than ever in my whole life. I don't have any answer for how to avoid this; only common sympathy and a warm hug through the 'net.

However, as to peaceful coexistence with the kitties -- if any new human can't play nice, kick them to the curb. Respect for the natives was my first rule. If not: last in, first out -- with the help of my foot if necessary.

If your not ready, then your not ready! The heck with everyone else. This is YOUR life not theirs.

When you are ready, there will be some great guy hanging out in your kitchen, on your sofa and loving on the cats.

what i noticed is: he left because he needed to find his creativity, but you are the person who found yours. Your writing and your knitting are wonderful. We love you.

Wow! to what Anonymous just said. And AMEN!

Hey- who needs a guy when you can DL free LOST podcasts made by really sharp fans?? I found out there's an official ABC LOST podcast, and then there's The Transmission from two people in Hawaii (it's *super* good). You can search for them in iTunes. Makes my commute awesome. Last week's Transmission gave me the chills when they played what Walt said backwards (really, forwards). If you don't have iTunes, you can DL that for free off Apple's site (you don't need an iPod for iTunes).

God, I know, Laurie. I really know.

or you can be like me... married and lonely...

Aunt Purl, you'll know when the time is right. You seem to have your head on straight,no matter how much you try to convince us you don't with your blog entries to the contrary, and you will find someone when you are ready. I've been divorced for ten years, this year. I have yet to find a reason to replace the man in my house. (I've filled my bed instead with four dogs and two cats. And you thought you were the sexiest single knitting gal out there!) Dating is challenge enough.

I'm not saying NEVER, but I do keep getting pickier with each passing year. That is my own horrible secret. I'm becoming old and set in my ways. So, do the dating thing in your own time, but don't make the mistake of hiding under a rock as it seems I have done... You know. Do as I say, not as I do. *sigh* Just consider my story a cautionary tale.

And if you're ever in Oklahoma, you're always welcome to stay with me and the "kids".

Love ya sweetie!

Laura

After my last major relationship ended, at first I threw myself in a whirlwind of dating, because I thought it would be the best way to move on with my life. But it only made things more complicated and frankly it felt icky and not like me. So I took a hiatus for awhile, and a lot of my friends had trouble accepting it. Why is it that people insist on acting like women have an expiration date? In the time I took off, I finally became the kind of woman who was ready for the man of her dreams, but also the kind of woman who could be happy on her own - I focused on my career and got a promotion. I started working out and eating better. I took up playing piano again and read about a million books and got informed about politics. I developed my own sense of style, rather than just wearing whatever the man in my life liked. I decorated my apartment into my personal Barbie dream home and didn't have to ask anyone else whether a purple satin bedspread was tacky. I volunteered for interesting causes. I got seriously independent, and no longer feared walking alone at night, dining alone, and installing my own shelves. I started planning a trip to Italy (planning to go all by myself because my friends couldn't manage it) for the following year's birthday. And you know what? A few months before the trip, when I wasn't really looking, I found someone who was perfect for me and he ended up tagging along (we're still together and very happy). I'm telling you all this because I really think it's true that you can end up better than ever for having taken a little time off and waiting till it feels right - I've never personally known any woman who became less of a catch because she took a break from men.
Also, is it just me who's noticed that having early-on dates in your house often gets weird? In theory it can seem like a good idea- you're on your own turf. Cooking dinner together is more interesting than eating at a restaurant and gives you more to talk about. You don’t have to go to some sleazy bar and risk being so nervous than you unwittingly imbibe one to many cocktails and can't safely drive yourself home. Seems perfect, right? But every time I've actually tried it, it's just been... weird. My house is very personal and it felt too intimate in the same way that being naked on a first date would (I realize some people do fine with being naked on a first date, but it never works for me) At some point I decided to stop doing them and insist that all of the first three dates or so needed to be outside the house.

Um, I'm not southern but in my family we've always called it tin foil. hmmm.

Laurie, you'll know when it's right to start dating. Whether it's 2 months from now or 5 years. Keep on treating yourself to a good haircut - the men can wait. There's someone out there just waiting to be your man.

Lauri,

We have missed on some important questions here! Like, Woha, where did you meet this guy? And if knew you at all (divorse etc) what a STUPID and LAME and GREASEBALL thing to do with the hand on the knee etc! Also, why was he at your house? YOu have been through SO MUCH, and i for one want to know why you were not being PROPERLY WINED AND DINED at a proper resturant. If you are going to go out on a limb and even accept a date you deserve the best girl. But that applies for when you decide you want to date again.

Untill then - I say dating yourlsef is the best thing a girl can do to get back to being happy and getting re-centered. When your friends ask you if you are dating, the anwser is yes - i'm dating myself. Becase you can treat you better and make you happier than any man could right now and that is the strongest, healthiest, and best choice for you from what you've been saying. Dont let a bad date bum you out - you are doing great, and success as a person is based on love and happiness, not a man by your side. and you have tons of love and happiness with/from all your friends and family.

Good for you for giving it a shot. But there is nothing wrong with waiting til you know you're ready. (and for a guy that likes cats) ;)

Hang tough. You're doing great!

I think of myself as always ready to date, but looking back, I realize I took a year-long break between my Very Serious College Boyfriend and the Emo Wannabe Smalltown Rocker. It wasn't self-imposed--I couldn't have attracted a guy if my life depended on it--but it helped tremendously. I thought I was going to wait this time, and I didn't--I found a great guy within two weeks, and now I've found another one. I think the point I'm making is: in love, it's often a good idea to take the path of least resistance. When it feels right, it'll happen. Dating should be easy. And no matter what, you'll be fine, because you are really a role model and a paragon of cool.

hmmmmmmmm...ya'know, it is kind of weird. Just this weekend while lunching with a friend, she asked me if I'd ever been in a long-term relationship with a man ('as opposed to with a woman' I replied). Anyway, the answer was "no, I haven't." Now why is that...being that I'm such a good catch and all: smart, creative, not bad looking, fun, etc..... "Hell if I know," I told her.

So, reading your blog...beingness without a man/partner sounds like my life...which (unless I'm PMSing)is pretty good. I really like my own company, my cats, my books, my amateurish knitting, my community work. Life is okay. I actually panic at the thought of having to wake up everyday to someone else sleeping next to me. It seems somewhat invasive...crowded...time-consuming.

Oh dear...so, what if I do meet someone with whom I am totally smitten/taken...i will need my own room is what. On the other hand...I don't think I'll actually meet anyone who's sincerely emotionally available to me -- at least that's been my experience. I always wondering why folk get married in the first place ... (I hope this isn't sounding negative -- not trying to be). I'm just one of those women whose never had to experience of dating someone for more than 2 months before something stupid happens...like discovering the guy has a mental illness lurking -- that happened to me at least 2 1/2x. No kidding.

I seriously CANNOT imagine sharing a room with another person. Yuck. Soooo, while i absolutely cannot relate to your divorce and separation from your husband...I deeply understand the need to attend to my own random thoughts the moment they crop up.

Then again, the closest I've come to having a devastating ending of a relationship is losing a good friend to an misunderstanding/argument that she didn't want to confront and resolve. My heart is still shriveled...so maybe I do get it. But I still didn't have to sleep with her unless I wanted to snuggle.

MIdwesterner here - we say tinfoil too.

Congratulations on being brave enough to try the dating world again.

Congratulations on knowing it isn't what you want right now.

I'm with Sarie - being yourself and doing what makes YOU happy is only going to make you more attractive (for when you're ready for it) and the best part is, you will find someone who is attracted to who you truly are. I'm living proof. After a failed engagement to someone I knew for 10 years, I met my current (it took way shorter than I had expected and I didn't really know if I wanted to continue dating him until I was 6 months or so into it) he is wonderful. Why? Because he knew the biggest test was whether my dog loved him, not my parents (but they do too) and because when I doubted things, he gave me the space to do so. He snuggles with my dog every night before he goes to bed - sometimes I have to wait for him to finish so I can snuggle with her - your kitties deserve the same. so don't worry about family, friends or anyone else, we'll be happy for you as long as you are happy - single or not.

guess what...you never have to date again. that's right. it's a secret that people are keeping from you. listen babe, you've got a vibrant life. good friends, supportive strangers...and some knitting to fill in the edges. oh, plus cats and wine.

there's a HUGE difference between needing someone and wanting someone. just remember...you don't have to keep any of them. you can kiss a LOT of boys (or girls should that interest you)...and you STILL don't have to keep 'em. you could just have some fun. you know...fun!

keep listening to your own voice babe. you'll know if you want to go down that path again.

Bulleted, for your protection:

-I didnt know "tin foil" was a southern thang. I'm in MI, and say tin foil like its going out of style. who has the time to pronounce aluminmum?

-did i read that correctly? he mistreated the kitties? thats a hanging offense in my house

-men suck, stay single forever. even tho i live with my boyfriend. i just think of him as some dude that plays videogames too much on the couch.
but the difference is that i found him before i found knitting. if i had been knitting before him, it would still be just me, my yarn and my cat. thats how life should be

-when it comes to your hair, its not self indulgence, its a necessity! i just got my safety length (aka, half way down my back) cut off this weekend and i couldnt be happier! i put on make up this morning so my face wouldnt bring down my hair!

Summer,
I feel really bad for you. You never gave me the time of day and couldn't care less about being my friend, even though I did try. Maybe I wasn't pretty enought, so miss popularity would never hang out with me, right? After that being said, I can't beleive that you worry about what people think of you. I was scared to make new friends and you made it all that much harder for me, so I left. I guess you just thought that you were better then every one else. I guess what goes around comes around. I am glad that you are gone. You deserve everything you get, BITCH!

Summer just had a baby. That is the surprise! That kid probably came out screaming after hearing your awful flute playing. You play flat and have horrible intonation. A Powell won't even help you honey!

Who is Summer?