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November 1, 2005

November Hor-O-Scopes

Please excuse the eleventeen hundred typos, as our Very Big & Important Editing Department is maybe tied up in meetings all day. Plus, astrological tomfoolery is hard. And the pay stinks. But! So much fun!


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Online shopping. Email. TV. The radio you listen to late at night. It's all part of your bubble, helping you achieve your goal of interacting with as few people as possible in the world. Is this really necessary? Do you really need to turn into me, The Hermit Extraordinaire? Don't you need some real-life TLC? Gooey kissing and schmaltzy hand-holding with puppy dog eyes is really good for the complexion. Of course, you are too well-mannered to slurp in public. But I suggest you venture out this month and start making some eye contact. Bedroom eyes suit you.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Oh, to be you. The golden halo of happiness is almost yours -- it is within reach! I'd be envious, but I know how hard you've been working to just move on and goshdarnit, you deserve it. Not to get too Oprah on you or anything, but this is one of those karmic times when you'll really start getting back what you've been putting in. Might I just suggest you share a little of the wealth? It's easier than it sound -- when happiness comes your way, simply don't go stingy on the smiles and ego-strokes that those around you need from time to time. Flattery, as it turns out, gets you everywhere!

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
The answer to the following question is of paramount importance to you right now.... Would you rather be known as the smart one or as the pretty one? Be honest. Here's the thing ... we all want to be both smart and pretty (and rich too, and also SKINNY, HELLO, but let's not get into all that). The truth is that you can be both, but only because pretty is a state of mind. I have no idea what state of mind SKINNY is, but if ya'll find out will you let me know? Pretty please?

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Mental French kissing. Intimate, but doesn't go too far. Nothing chaste about it, but still .... you haven't crossed the line. Someone in your life is trying to push you too hard, too fast but I think you're in a good place for now. Don't worry so much about keeping up with your peers, we're all pretty screwed up anyway and we'd swap places with you in a heartbeat. Promise!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Information overload! Make way for words and numbers and sayings and reading and books and facts and oh my. You know that urge to run, run like the wind? I have it too (lucky me, my moon is in Gemini!) Let's embrace the footloose, fancyfree vibe (sure, some people call it "flighty" or "scared" ... what do they know? Can I see their PhD, please? THANK YOU.) Forget about coupling up under a full moon, and instead bask in the orange glow of a well-basted turkey and some good friends. With what you're going through right now the last thing you need is to try to distract yourself with romance.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Enough said? Yummy everything ... tasty romance, delicious treats, scrumptious opportunities, delightful new doors, the path not yet ventured down is calling out to you. Interesting, since you usually despise change. But something about the holiday whirlwind and the crisp air is making your adventurous side bubble up with anticipation. Bottom line: candy is good. Don't take it from strangers, or steal it, or eat too much of it. Now, dive in!

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ew, you have the ghosts of your past swirling all around you. It's a reflect-on-the-past and what-the-hell-am-I-thankful-for time of the year, and your poor, tired brain is screaming "Go Away!" What does this mean? Your fears about the future won't be solved by avoiding to plan for it. I prefer flats to high heels, but I only realize that because I wore high heels first. You could get your butt kicked by your fear of failure or you could just freeze -- immobile -- unable to go forward or backward. Don't freeze. Be the ball. Start rolling.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
A Virgo friend of mine recently complained that last month's horror-scope was rather unappealing. I decided to make it up to you this month by reading your House of Whimsy, a little-known astrological hideout of mirth. First, you will begin making plans to travel. Next, you will realize that the mantra of this decade is "I don't know." Explore your fickle side by being picky in a possible romantic situation mid-month and don't hesitate to do some serious pre-holiday shopping. Finally, Truths are harder to see right now, but they are worth seeking out. See? That wasn't so bad.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Songs hold lots of philosophical wisdom. For instance, you just can't argue with "I want it my way" or "Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream" or "People of the world, spice up your life!" Ever noticed how just a little groove can get your whole frame of mind to shift? Much like wearing fancy lingerie under an everyday pair of jeans, turning up the volume on your life (musically and literally) can remove you from that rut, even if only temporarily. It's your mission -- should you choose to accept it -- to shake up your own rut this month. Slutty underthings and cheesy Spice Girls songs optional.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Imagine someone sends you a check for ten thousand dollars. It isn't quite enough to quit your job or drop out of school, but it's just enough to get you out of hock and have plenty left over for a spending spree of celebrity proportions. Ok, you're not getting rich this month. But! You do tend to be a little obsessed with money right now, and creative visualization of this kind will help you get your priorities straight. You may discover that you need to budget like a pro and develop some financial goals. Or, you might just say to hell with it and buy some of those non-essentials you've been craving. Either way, you'll be thinking about Retail Therapy, and ... well. It's got the word "therapy" in it, right? So it must be good, right?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Platitudes. Like "Healthy, wealthy and wise" or "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Have ya'll noticed that you're just surrounded by platitudes lately? Nobody seems real anymore. Boredom will strike this month since this is your time for navel-pondering as your birthday is near. It's OK to be introspective. It's Ok to want more from people. Rest up, and pay special attention to your healthy habits or you can look forward to sniffles and blahs late in the month. Cheer up! It's avoidable. Wash your hands a lot.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Wow, you're a whirling dervish of energy, a mad smash of activity, an entire Mars Bar of fun! You are a snack attack this month, and you're energy level is unprecedented. You need to talk! Share your vision! Your excitement! Your absolute clarity with the world! Why won't they heed your advice? Why are they such idiots? Why are they so stupid? Who cares! You're cool! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. Hear you ROAR. Or... what is it that goats do? Do they roar? WHO CARES! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. You can ROAR if you want to!

Posted by laurie at November 1, 2005 2:54 PM