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November 01, 2005
November Hor-O-Scopes
Please excuse the eleventeen hundred typos, as our Very Big & Important Editing Department is maybe tied up in meetings all day. Plus, astrological tomfoolery is hard. And the pay stinks. But! So much fun!
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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Online shopping. Email. TV. The radio you listen to late at night. It's all part of your bubble, helping you achieve your goal of interacting with as few people as possible in the world. Is this really necessary? Do you really need to turn into me, The Hermit Extraordinaire? Don't you need some real-life TLC? Gooey kissing and schmaltzy hand-holding with puppy dog eyes is really good for the complexion. Of course, you are too well-mannered to slurp in public. But I suggest you venture out this month and start making some eye contact. Bedroom eyes suit you.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Oh, to be you. The golden halo of happiness is almost yours -- it is within reach! I'd be envious, but I know how hard you've been working to just move on and goshdarnit, you deserve it. Not to get too Oprah on you or anything, but this is one of those karmic times when you'll really start getting back what you've been putting in. Might I just suggest you share a little of the wealth? It's easier than it sound -- when happiness comes your way, simply don't go stingy on the smiles and ego-strokes that those around you need from time to time. Flattery, as it turns out, gets you everywhere!
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
The answer to the following question is of paramount importance to you right now.... Would you rather be known as the smart one or as the pretty one? Be honest. Here's the thing ... we all want to be both smart and pretty (and rich too, and also SKINNY, HELLO, but let's not get into all that). The truth is that you can be both, but only because pretty is a state of mind. I have no idea what state of mind SKINNY is, but if ya'll find out will you let me know? Pretty please?
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Mental French kissing. Intimate, but doesn't go too far. Nothing chaste about it, but still .... you haven't crossed the line. Someone in your life is trying to push you too hard, too fast but I think you're in a good place for now. Don't worry so much about keeping up with your peers, we're all pretty screwed up anyway and we'd swap places with you in a heartbeat. Promise!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Information overload! Make way for words and numbers and sayings and reading and books and facts and oh my. You know that urge to run, run like the wind? I have it too (lucky me, my moon is in Gemini!) Let's embrace the footloose, fancyfree vibe (sure, some people call it "flighty" or "scared" ... what do they know? Can I see their PhD, please? THANK YOU.) Forget about coupling up under a full moon, and instead bask in the orange glow of a well-basted turkey and some good friends. With what you're going through right now the last thing you need is to try to distract yourself with romance.
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Temptation.
Enough said? Yummy everything ... tasty romance, delicious treats, scrumptious opportunities, delightful new doors, the path not yet ventured down is calling out to you. Interesting, since you usually despise change. But something about the holiday whirlwind and the crisp air is making your adventurous side bubble up with anticipation. Bottom line: candy is good. Don't take it from strangers, or steal it, or eat too much of it. Now, dive in!
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ew, you have the ghosts of your past swirling all around you. It's a reflect-on-the-past and what-the-hell-am-I-thankful-for time of the year, and your poor, tired brain is screaming "Go Away!" What does this mean? Your fears about the future won't be solved by avoiding to plan for it. I prefer flats to high heels, but I only realize that because I wore high heels first. You could get your butt kicked by your fear of failure or you could just freeze -- immobile -- unable to go forward or backward. Don't freeze. Be the ball. Start rolling.
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
A Virgo friend of mine recently complained that last month's horror-scope was rather unappealing. I decided to make it up to you this month by reading your House of Whimsy, a little-known astrological hideout of mirth. First, you will begin making plans to travel. Next, you will realize that the mantra of this decade is "I don't know." Explore your fickle side by being picky in a possible romantic situation mid-month and don't hesitate to do some serious pre-holiday shopping. Finally, Truths are harder to see right now, but they are worth seeking out. See? That wasn't so bad.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Songs hold lots of philosophical wisdom. For instance, you just can't argue with "I want it my way" or "Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream" or "People of the world, spice up your life!" Ever noticed how just a little groove can get your whole frame of mind to shift? Much like wearing fancy lingerie under an everyday pair of jeans, turning up the volume on your life (musically and literally) can remove you from that rut, even if only temporarily. It's your mission -- should you choose to accept it -- to shake up your own rut this month. Slutty underthings and cheesy Spice Girls songs optional.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Imagine someone sends you a check for ten thousand dollars. It isn't quite enough to quit your job or drop out of school, but it's just enough to get you out of hock and have plenty left over for a spending spree of celebrity proportions. Ok, you're not getting rich this month. But! You do tend to be a little obsessed with money right now, and creative visualization of this kind will help you get your priorities straight. You may discover that you need to budget like a pro and develop some financial goals. Or, you might just say to hell with it and buy some of those non-essentials you've been craving. Either way, you'll be thinking about Retail Therapy, and ... well. It's got the word "therapy" in it, right? So it must be good, right?
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Platitudes. Like "Healthy, wealthy and wise" or "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Have ya'll noticed that you're just surrounded by platitudes lately? Nobody seems real anymore. Boredom will strike this month since this is your time for navel-pondering as your birthday is near. It's OK to be introspective. It's Ok to want more from people. Rest up, and pay special attention to your healthy habits or you can look forward to sniffles and blahs late in the month. Cheer up! It's avoidable. Wash your hands a lot.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Wow, you're a whirling dervish of energy, a mad smash of activity, an entire Mars Bar of fun! You are a snack attack this month, and you're energy level is unprecedented. You need to talk! Share your vision! Your excitement! Your absolute clarity with the world! Why won't they heed your advice? Why are they such idiots? Why are they so stupid? Who cares! You're cool! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. Hear you ROAR. Or... what is it that goats do? Do they roar? WHO CARES! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. You can ROAR if you want to!
Posted by laurie at November 1, 2005 02:54 PM
Comments
With the way I am feeling right now, you couldn't have hit this more perfect "Why are they such idiots? Why are they so stupid?" We'll never know.
Tootles~
Posted by: Karen at November 1, 2005 03:00 PM
Mine is always so right. Maybe b/c Cancers are always bouncing between extremes.
My husband is a Sag. Take this back. "It's Ok to want more from people." You take it back right now! :p
Posted by: Erica at November 1, 2005 03:05 PM
if i'm not going to take candy from strangers, does this mean i have to buy it myself?
and then do i have to know the person i just purchased my candy from?
ps-cancers are crazy...lol...
Posted by: bezbabe at November 1, 2005 03:05 PM
I never feel like you get good astral vibes for us Aries since the hideous Mr. X was one too! :)
Posted by: ck at November 1, 2005 03:06 PM
Humm...informational overload. Well, that is so true on my end especially at work. Well...at home too. I looked in my purse this morning and realized that I am SOOOO connected to things. My blackberry, my cell phone and my new ipod. I have a small purse.
Posted by: Mary at November 1, 2005 03:19 PM
SWEET! I already wash my hands umpteen times a day so I should be safe! Let the navel-pondering begin........ :)
Posted by: Kat at November 1, 2005 03:21 PM
Oof. This Capricorn certainly feels like a snack attack right now...I'm bloated. Nuff said. But I agree that everyone else should listen to me! I'm full of ideas! I am Capricorn, hear me bleat! Ew. Roaring is better. :)
Posted by: Julie at November 1, 2005 03:26 PM
Virgo here - a very fitting horoscope especially considering I have TWO mini-vacations this month and the first one (I leave tomorrow) will undoubtedly involve some shopping =D
Posted by: vanessa at November 1, 2005 03:26 PM
I swear girlfriend, you are the new Jean Dixon!!!
Posted by: cheryl at November 1, 2005 03:31 PM
can i wear slutty underthings and dance to cheesy spice girls songs at the same time?
or is that too much?
nah. it's never too much.
Posted by: miss kendra at November 1, 2005 03:40 PM
I'm an aquarian, and if I ever achieve the Purl level of Nirvana, I'll just. . . PLOTZ. Nail on the head, Purl, as usual.
Posted by: MonkeyGurrrrl at November 1, 2005 03:46 PM
OK, I *know* you haven't been reading my mind. I just know it. But that Leo Hor-O-Scope is really, really close to what I've been thinking lately.
Maybe I'm sending brainwaves halfway across the country to your cats, and they are sending these brainwaves to you. It's possible, right?
Posted by: SpaceCase at November 1, 2005 04:00 PM
How DO you do it?? Crazy.
Posted by: marissa at November 1, 2005 04:37 PM
My brother (a Cancer) once had a friend who was a Capricorn. apparently this guy used to say to him "I'm a capricorn, like Jesus Christ and Wayne Gretzky. and you are a cancer, and cancer can be beaten"
Your horoscope made me think of the first part of that. and you know that for Canadians of a certain age, JC and WG are pretty well interchangeable, eh?
Posted by: JoVE at November 1, 2005 04:54 PM
Okay, I'll give the slutty underthings a go, but I refuse to deal w/the Spice Girls.
Liza {who wanders off shuddering~Spice Girls indeed}
Posted by: Liza at November 1, 2005 05:00 PM
I think...I think I see the glimmer of the halo...erm...yeah...just a bit. I'll start sharing smiles and spreading the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, just in case.
(Thanks for getting that Micheal whats-his-face song stuck in my head...I'll be singing that all night. Great.)
Posted by: taral at November 1, 2005 05:35 PM
*roars*
Or did that sound too much like a whimper? It's always a pleasure to read horoscopes! I've missed reading you! (been traveling!)
Posted by: jonna at November 1, 2005 06:18 PM
really? money for us scorps...I mean that is *all* I think about recently...I was hoping that $10,000 check was a'comin'. shucks.
maybe next time you should just talk about our mass amounts of sexiness ;)
keep up the good work, you psychicrazyauntie, you
Posted by: Christine at November 1, 2005 07:56 PM
That Virgo wasn't...me perhaps was it? Well I definitely appreciate the happy horoscope. Now I can blame you (or, the stars?) when the bf sees the credit card bill right? :)
Posted by: Vicki at November 1, 2005 08:12 PM
So would you include buying a house as being a non-essential bit of retail therapy for this Scorp? (who has moon in cancer and pisces ascendant?) LOL Maybe my piscean side is shining through! Enjoy diving into your candy :-)
Posted by: lynne s of oz at November 2, 2005 12:34 AM
I think I dreamt about your cats last night. I believe skinny is an unachievable zen-like state, not accessible to us Mere Mortals. Being Aries and all. Virgo is spot on for the Virgo in my life. Who's about to up sticks to Hong Kong and is hence being picky romantically... ~x~
Posted by: Jane in London at November 2, 2005 03:16 AM
Um - OK, tomorrow its radio blasting and good pantie wearing for me! I promise! cause I am in a very deep rut!
April
Posted by: April at November 2, 2005 06:10 AM
Have you been reading my email again? How did you know I was internet shopping and practically bought an entire alpaca on ebay? Yep. I am an aquarius...
Posted by: IdahoHeidi at November 2, 2005 07:52 AM
auntie purl, i cannot tell you how much i look forward to your hor-O-scopes. last month you advised us caps to have at least one hedonistic night. I HAD 14!!! excuse me while i go outside and practice roaring.
Posted by: ms c at November 2, 2005 08:32 AM
I cant tell you how excited I am to read my hor-o-scope this month! I have to make a big scary life decision this month and, based on your astrological predictions, I am taking the leap - ROAR!
So if I end up with no job or money can I come live with you and the cats?
No, don't be scared, I actually decided before I read your post. But its nice to have my decision affirmed this way.
Posted by: MeBeth at November 2, 2005 08:37 AM
wow! your gemini horoscope couldn't be more right on!
too bad somebody wants to play sniffy-butt right now. poor guy. i'm just too too busy for him!
Posted by: jaclyn at November 2, 2005 08:51 AM
Maybe you should join this team! :)
They call theirs HOROSPOKE.
http://girlspoke.com/2005/10/31/horospoke%e2%84%a2-october-31-november-7/
Posted by: Darcie at November 2, 2005 10:56 AM
Right on as usual! You rock at this. And so cute and clever too!
Posted by: lisa at November 2, 2005 11:10 AM
I'm a Cap! Sounds like I might be a bit manic this month! Roar!
Posted by: Julia at November 2, 2005 11:17 AM
You were scarily right on target with a HUGE issue I've been dealing with. I'm an aries and it really is all about attitude. I think you can find the skinny state of mind just as you enter a chocolate coma...or after 3.25 glasses of good wine. That's why I always drink 4 glasses and throw in a truffle for good measure, that way I'm to super model anorexia status.
Posted by: Kat at November 2, 2005 11:46 AM
Roar!!!
Posted by: Carol at November 2, 2005 11:49 AM
hehe, just today I got two big packages of yarn I ordered from eBay. Of course I'm an aquarius ;-) and a hermit.
Posted by: Steph at November 2, 2005 12:00 PM
Dude, my scorp butt has waited a month to find out what a "me decade" meant ,wasn't that supposed to start this month? 'Splain yourself Laurie
Posted by: kitten at November 2, 2005 12:11 PM
Kitten. It's your "me decade" .... you shall inherit the earth. Or sexify it. You know how scorpios are!
Posted by: laurie at November 2, 2005 03:59 PM
laurie-
thank you once again for the 'scopes-and in such a timely fashion this month(yes, i noticed)
aquarius the hermit-it's like a dream come true, except for the ultra-sexual encounters, so many, yet so few days(2), am anticipating the rest of the month! love-love-love you and your blog.
lis
Posted by: lis at November 2, 2005 07:58 PM
Apparently, there are a lot of Caps out there--like me! *ROAR* Great horoscope! You'd nailed it on the head with "Why are they such idiots? Why are they so stupid?" I think I say that a dozen times a day! (I don't have many friends...)
Posted by: Christina at November 3, 2005 07:16 AM
