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October 13, 2005

The Anti-Tech Strikes Again

There is anti-virus, anti-war, anti-freeze, anti-christ, anti-pasta, and now... anti-tech. Hello, nice to meet ya'll.

I am the Anti Tech.

With my amazing superpowers and wave of my lipstick wand, I can break any or all of the following items IN ONE SINGLE MORNING:

1) One (probably expensive) voice-over IP telephone provided to me by Large Corporation, Inc.

2) Three ethernet cables

3) One 21" computer monitor that used to have lots of pretty colors and now displays only black and white. YES, BLACK AND WHITE. Because I am all about graphic design a'la 1952. Retro is so cool.

4) One multimedia player that cost seven bazillion dollars -- and this is the truly exciting part! -- it is not even located near me and my fantastic anti-tech physical presence. No. It is located in Bunker Hill, many blocks away from my Downtown Batcave Of Evil. WHO KNEW my superpowers could extend over the internets and fry a computer in an entirely different building? YA'LL I AM STRONGER THAN EVEN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

5) The coffee machine. I was just getting hot water from the spigoty thing on the side. You know? I wasn't even touching the buttons! But then it made a noise? Like in the pump?

The coffee machine story is a funny one, actually, in that I ALMOST DIED. Let me set the scene for you.

It is early in the morning here at Corporate Job, Incorporated. So early, in fact, that it's still probably the night before. At that hour, you have two types of people wandering around the corporate hallways:

1) People Who Are Chipper
2) People Who Hate You And Want To Kill You

One of the hating-type people was standing in front of the coffee machine, zombiefied and quiet, his glazed eyes fixated on the brewing pot of coffee while he clutched a suspiciously crusty mug in his mean little paw.

Then the Anti-Tech arrived.

Of course, it was still early and I was not fully awake and therefore unaware that I had transitioned seamlessly from Art Director to Grim Reaper of Technology, because it doesn't really correspond to the phases of the moon or anything. So, you know, I wasn't expecting to BREAK THE COFFEE.

Yet I don't know my own strength, apparently. I simply placed a low-tech teabag into a low-tech cup, and lifted the lever-thingy for the hot water and the pump made a bad sound, a gurgly klunk-blump sound, and then... died.

The water stopped running. Somehow. And also stopped dripping into the coffee. And the horrible creature waiting for the coffee turned to me and tried to eat my head. So I ran...

... to my desk, and tried to hide, and that's when I discovered that it was going to be One Of Those Days in which I break stuff and no one is sympathetic and there is no wine at work. AGAIN. Because as soon as I turned on my monitor, the beautiful old school CRT monitor with perfect calibration, it... did a little wobble thing. Like it... shuddered. As if it had just had amazing sex with the powerstrip and now needed a cigarette. And then it went all black and white, with a pretty little stripey pattern.

At which point I sighed, and picked up the phone to call tech services, who all hate me and my powers, MY SUPER POWERS, and the phone maybe moved ONE FREAKING CENTIMETER out of its comfort zone and ... it died.

Which set off a chain reaction of events in which I threw the phone in a tantrum and tried to give it cancer with my mind, and then threatened everyone in the building that if they did not stop talking to me THISVERYMINUTE I would go to their desks when the moon was high and fondle all their electronic devices.

Then I sat under my little black cloud and ate a fun-size snickers, which wasn't even really that fun, and then I whined a little. Which brings you pretty much up-to-the minute in my life. How are you? Got any electronic devices you'd like me to lay hands upon?

And maybe later I'll come to your house and eat all your carbs, in my efforts to move from Anti Tech to Anti Pasta.

It's worth a shot.

Posted by laurie at October 13, 2005 11:50 AM