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October 3, 2005

October 2005 Hor-O-Scopes!

Mmmmmm.... fun size snickers. I love October. Except... HOLY CRAP IT'S OCTOBER ALREADY. I'm still kind of stuck back in July. Snickers, anyone?

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Yes, it's true. It's October ALREADY. Luckily for you there are a bunch of really technical things going on in your chart that I won't bore you with. But they're Good Things, as Martha would say. Travel things. Telephone things. Exciting things. You think that time is speeding up, and we're traveling too quickly toward some unknown destination. But really, all the phone calls and possibilities of this month -- now and forever known to you as ROCKTOBER!!! -- are going to make you very happy and pleased with yourself by month's end. Accept all invitations, and be gregarious. And can I say it just one more time? ROCKTOBER!!!!

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
My cousin Angie worked on a chicken farm for waaaaay too many years. And she told me many chicken stories, all of which were too boring and gross to repeat here. Anyway, she worked at ye olde feather palace for one reason: MONEY. Needless to say, Angie is not a Pisces. You Pisces are way too artsy and creative to take a job JUST for the money, it hurts your little heart too much. The past few months have been kind of on the lean side, financially speaking, but the planets and stars are now aligning in the House of Dead Presidents and October is Pisces' month for green. Green! No chickens will be involved, either. You can take that to the bank and smoke it.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Confession time. I totally hate writing the Aries hor-o-scope each month because of Mr. X, an infamous Aries. Each month, I secretly hope to look at the charts and see that Aries will be involved in a freak monkeypox epidemic, TOO BAD SO SAD. But I'm trying really hard to turn my bitter psychic frown upside down, so I will start October by 1) making the aforementioned confession and 2) assuming that Mr. X, being an alien, is not really an Aries after all and ergo 3) I can now tell you your forecast without the monkeypox element. Here goes: You have two big eclipses this month, both are super lucky and bode well for luck, happiness and relationships. Lots of smiling! Lots of happiness! Good things all around you! Except for Mr. X. WHO IS EXCLUDED FROM THE GOODNESS. Ok?

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
October is sort of the trailer-trash month of the year, when black cats are spooky and black fishnets are tres chic. You don't need to be over-cautious this year -- what you went through last fall is absolutely not going to repeat itself unless you allow it. Yes, I am totally psychic, OK? See, history teaches us things. Like how people can be stupid and make bad decisions and haunted houses are fake. Fake I tell you! That plate of squishy stuff is not brains! The real brains are in your head, where your desion-making skills are. And you now make good decisions, and you will be rewarded for this in the next four weeks. Fishnets optional.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Have you ever wondered why we paint our cars such drab colors -- tan, mauve, khaki, maroon? It's all blah blah blah. Very un-Gemini. If you were a car, you'd be driving through October as BRIGHT NEON MAGENTA or maybe smooth cosmic orange. You'd have as many colors as there are trendy martini names, and you're so HOT PINK all month, no one can resist your charms. Everyone wants a look at Gemini. You're ON FIRE all of October, which is kind of nice, right? Unless you're a real car, and then being on fire would be maybe not so good.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
FINALLY. The stars and planets and the moon and all that other junk swirling around our cosmos is aligning just so, making October a really neat-o-fragilistic month for Cancerians. We'll be pretty, and happy, and -- say it isn't so! -- we'll be tentatively optimistic. I don't know about ya'll, but I'm already feeling better, even though I'm sort of pissed off that it's October already and I'm not yet prepared for Fall, and holidays, and so on. The little frisson of discontentment with time rapidly marching over me is just a teeny blip on the radar of a pretty damn good month. I AM SO READY FOR A GOOD MONTH. And I said to the universe "Give us happiness! We need it!" and the universe responded with, "All right! Stop your whining! Happy! Happy! Happy it is!"

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Healthy self-expression and obsessive exhibitionism are two entirely different things. Don't get carried away with flaunting your backside now that you have this sudden infusion of self-confidence. Your influence and power grows exponentially when infused with self-restraint. No need to bulldoze over the rest of us in the zodiac just because you're feeling particularly brilliant. Better to let us learn from your genius ways than despise your bossy pointers.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
There was a young Virgo who lived in a shoe, she liked to go shopping and so do you. Beware of Visa, and MasterCard, too, overcharging right now is the worst thing to do! Save your receipts and keep an eye on your cash, and you'll be happy once October has passed. But if you go shopping and spending and buying, within a few weeks you'll be moaning and crying. And although this rhyme was really pathetic, by October's end you'll completely forget it.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Never underestimate the power of creative slouching. Slouch well, and slouch often, that's my motto. But no loafing, or dull dissection of every boring day-to-day detail. You've been wearing the creativity condom for far too long, better to just be done with it, rip it off! Let yourself be impregnated with vitality! And music and painting and dancing and singing! By the way, we're talking in metaphors here, so don't go getting frisky without proper protection ... you're also kind of virile this month. Hey, don't blame the messenger... I just call it as I read it. Also, thank God neither of my parents is a Libra, and they'll totally never read this somewhat risque astrological forecast. Whew.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Depression is interesting only because it's such a powerfully artistic experience. It can be a way for you to figure some serious stuff out, like who you are, and why you ponder your navel as you do. It's not always fun to be the serious one, but I think this weighty, ponderous Scorpio stuff can be really sexy, especially around the holidays. In October, indulge your sweet tooth with copious Halloween candy and just pretend to be in the mood. November kicks off a new Scorpio cycle, and all this gloom and doom stuff will wrap up by month's end. November is just the beginning of the Scorpio ME Decade, albeit a decade that lasts only about a year.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
This whole cycle of procrastinating and readying yourself and waiting for your life to begin needs to stop, and stop right now. IT IS TIME. There won't be another tomorrow that's better than today, so do something with your life! Make a list of ten things you have been dreading (like calling for a dentist appointment or getting your oil changed). Make a commitment to get all ten things crossed off during the month of October. Then reward yourself with one big fat selfish day where you indulge your every whim, preferably on the 30th.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
If you don't go out and have at least one wild night of hedonism and fun this month, I'll just give up on you. Stop feeling so self-conscious and in control, it's all a sham and we can all see through it, so there. We like you because you're smart and funny and real. So stop trying to know everything. You can't possibly know it all, take it from me -- I KNOW IT ALL ALREADY. I suggest mini-golf, with lots of cheating. Or silly hats. Or Jell-O for breakfast. This is October -- Halloween! Have some fun, why don't you? Fun! Have fun fun fun 'til your daddy takes the T-bird away!

Posted by laurie at October 3, 2005 4:28 PM