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October 03, 2005
October 2005 Hor-O-Scopes!
Mmmmmm.... fun size snickers. I love October. Except... HOLY CRAP IT'S OCTOBER ALREADY. I'm still kind of stuck back in July. Snickers, anyone?
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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Yes, it's true. It's October ALREADY. Luckily for you there are a bunch of really technical things going on in your chart that I won't bore you with. But they're Good Things, as Martha would say. Travel things. Telephone things. Exciting things. You think that time is speeding up, and we're traveling too quickly toward some unknown destination. But really, all the phone calls and possibilities of this month -- now and forever known to you as ROCKTOBER!!! -- are going to make you very happy and pleased with yourself by month's end. Accept all invitations, and be gregarious. And can I say it just one more time? ROCKTOBER!!!!
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
My cousin Angie worked on a chicken farm for waaaaay too many years. And she told me many chicken stories, all of which were too boring and gross to repeat here. Anyway, she worked at ye olde feather palace for one reason: MONEY. Needless to say, Angie is not a Pisces. You Pisces are way too artsy and creative to take a job JUST for the money, it hurts your little heart too much. The past few months have been kind of on the lean side, financially speaking, but the planets and stars are now aligning in the House of Dead Presidents and October is Pisces' month for green. Green! No chickens will be involved, either. You can take that to the bank and smoke it.
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Confession time. I totally hate writing the Aries hor-o-scope each month because of Mr. X, an infamous Aries. Each month, I secretly hope to look at the charts and see that Aries will be involved in a freak monkeypox epidemic, TOO BAD SO SAD. But I'm trying really hard to turn my bitter psychic frown upside down, so I will start October by 1) making the aforementioned confession and 2) assuming that Mr. X, being an alien, is not really an Aries after all and ergo 3) I can now tell you your forecast without the monkeypox element. Here goes: You have two big eclipses this month, both are super lucky and bode well for luck, happiness and relationships. Lots of smiling! Lots of happiness! Good things all around you! Except for Mr. X. WHO IS EXCLUDED FROM THE GOODNESS. Ok?
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
October is sort of the trailer-trash month of the year, when black cats are spooky and black fishnets are tres chic. You don't need to be over-cautious this year -- what you went through last fall is absolutely not going to repeat itself unless you allow it. Yes, I am totally psychic, OK? See, history teaches us things. Like how people can be stupid and make bad decisions and haunted houses are fake. Fake I tell you! That plate of squishy stuff is not brains! The real brains are in your head, where your desion-making skills are. And you now make good decisions, and you will be rewarded for this in the next four weeks. Fishnets optional.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Have you ever wondered why we paint our cars such drab colors -- tan, mauve, khaki, maroon? It's all blah blah blah. Very un-Gemini. If you were a car, you'd be driving through October as BRIGHT NEON MAGENTA or maybe smooth cosmic orange. You'd have as many colors as there are trendy martini names, and you're so HOT PINK all month, no one can resist your charms. Everyone wants a look at Gemini. You're ON FIRE all of October, which is kind of nice, right? Unless you're a real car, and then being on fire would be maybe not so good.
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
FINALLY. The stars and planets and the moon and all that other junk swirling around our cosmos is aligning just so, making October a really neat-o-fragilistic month for Cancerians. We'll be pretty, and happy, and -- say it isn't so! -- we'll be tentatively optimistic. I don't know about ya'll, but I'm already feeling better, even though I'm sort of pissed off that it's October already and I'm not yet prepared for Fall, and holidays, and so on. The little frisson of discontentment with time rapidly marching over me is just a teeny blip on the radar of a pretty damn good month. I AM SO READY FOR A GOOD MONTH. And I said to the universe "Give us happiness! We need it!" and the universe responded with, "All right! Stop your whining! Happy! Happy! Happy it is!"
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Healthy self-expression and obsessive exhibitionism are two entirely different things. Don't get carried away with flaunting your backside now that you have this sudden infusion of self-confidence. Your influence and power grows exponentially when infused with self-restraint. No need to bulldoze over the rest of us in the zodiac just because you're feeling particularly brilliant. Better to let us learn from your genius ways than despise your bossy pointers.
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
There was a young Virgo who lived in a shoe, she liked to go shopping and so do you. Beware of Visa, and MasterCard, too, overcharging right now is the worst thing to do! Save your receipts and keep an eye on your cash, and you'll be happy once October has passed. But if you go shopping and spending and buying, within a few weeks you'll be moaning and crying. And although this rhyme was really pathetic, by October's end you'll completely forget it.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Never underestimate the power of creative slouching. Slouch well, and slouch often, that's my motto. But no loafing, or dull dissection of every boring day-to-day detail. You've been wearing the creativity condom for far too long, better to just be done with it, rip it off! Let yourself be impregnated with vitality! And music and painting and dancing and singing! By the way, we're talking in metaphors here, so don't go getting frisky without proper protection ... you're also kind of virile this month. Hey, don't blame the messenger... I just call it as I read it. Also, thank God neither of my parents is a Libra, and they'll totally never read this somewhat risque astrological forecast. Whew.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Depression is interesting only because it's such a powerfully artistic experience. It can be a way for you to figure some serious stuff out, like who you are, and why you ponder your navel as you do. It's not always fun to be the serious one, but I think this weighty, ponderous Scorpio stuff can be really sexy, especially around the holidays. In October, indulge your sweet tooth with copious Halloween candy and just pretend to be in the mood. November kicks off a new Scorpio cycle, and all this gloom and doom stuff will wrap up by month's end. November is just the beginning of the Scorpio ME Decade, albeit a decade that lasts only about a year.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
This whole cycle of procrastinating and readying yourself and waiting for your life to begin needs to stop, and stop right now. IT IS TIME. There won't be another tomorrow that's better than today, so do something with your life! Make a list of ten things you have been dreading (like calling for a dentist appointment or getting your oil changed). Make a commitment to get all ten things crossed off during the month of October. Then reward yourself with one big fat selfish day where you indulge your every whim, preferably on the 30th.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)If you don't go out and have at least one wild night of hedonism and fun this month, I'll just give up on you. Stop feeling so self-conscious and in control, it's all a sham and we can all see through it, so there. We like you because you're smart and funny and real. So stop trying to know everything. You can't possibly know it all, take it from me -- I KNOW IT ALL ALREADY. I suggest mini-golf, with lots of cheating. Or silly hats. Or Jell-O for breakfast. This is October -- Halloween! Have some fun, why don't you? Fun! Have fun fun fun 'til your daddy takes the T-bird away!
Posted by laurie at October 3, 2005 04:28 PM
Comments
Am I first?
Posted by: kathleen2 at October 3, 2005 04:48 PM
I did it again, I was first.
Posted by: kathleen2 at October 3, 2005 04:51 PM
Thank goodness you confessed about the Aries...and thank goodness we are in for a good month, because, honey, I could use a good month, that's for sure.
So I will enjoy the goodness in store for me, but not share it with Mr. X at all.
Posted by: Mary in Boston at October 3, 2005 04:53 PM
Yeah for Pisces! I'm so glad that no chickens will be harmed on the road to financial green-ness.
Now on to the shoe store and the yarn shop!
Posted by: taral at October 3, 2005 05:05 PM
I swear Laurie it's like you can see right through me? into me? beyond me? ... I don't know but my point is you are dead on for this Sag right here. Lovely! I'm on it for list making right now.
Posted by: kim at October 3, 2005 05:13 PM
I certainly hope you're right about us cancers. I'm ready for a good month.
Posted by: atpanda at October 3, 2005 05:31 PM
happy happy happy happy happy
woo hoo HOOO
I like that you are in July still...July means birthday gifts for The Dude....
Posted by: ~drew emborsky~ at October 3, 2005 05:36 PM
(does the happy dance since she's an aries, and NOT mr x, so will have a good month) i need a good month too, lol
Posted by: minnie at October 3, 2005 05:39 PM
Oh, thank god, money for the pisces. I have been SO BROKE.
Wait. Are you sure this means I'll be GETTING more money? Not that I'll be maxing out my credit card? Cause that's starting to happen, and that CAN'T happen.
Thanks for the horoscopes. LOVE THEM.
Posted by: San Francisco Knitter at October 3, 2005 05:50 PM
Woo hoo! I'm on fire this month--much better than being merely lukewarm.
Love the horoscopes--so funny.
Posted by: Val at October 3, 2005 05:56 PM
Yay for Capricorn! LOL! I suppose I should lighten up just a twinge. I don't think I've had a stress-free day in years.
Posted by: jonna at October 3, 2005 05:59 PM
Why me?! Ok, so I'm completely broke, but even when I get some money I can't shop? I'm a knitter, you can't tell me that! When is this virgo curse gonna go away? Past couple months have blown. Not that it's your fault or anything :)
Posted by: Vicki at October 3, 2005 06:15 PM
I had a knitting catalog open and was ready to order some wool that is inSANEly cheap, a real bargain. And then I read the Virgo-scope. Now what do I do? Order it? Put it on hold for a month until my money situation gets better? Woe is me.
Posted by: Amanda at October 3, 2005 06:26 PM
Gemini on fire! Woo hoo! Maybe that expains why I was wearing devil horns around construction workers all day...heh.heh.heh..
Posted by: Terri at October 3, 2005 06:32 PM
Virgo here... no shopping? Really? ACK!
Posted by: Vanessa at October 3, 2005 07:02 PM
I don't know if I can manage a night of hedonism this month. Visitors coming next weekend...bringing their dog... cat will freak...sister-in-law is pregnant...starting the new job. Hey, dammit, I am QUITTING MY JOB! If I can't have a night of fun with the soon-to-ex-coworkers (oh thank goodness) then I'm really far too uptight.
Although I'm not feeling particularly smart or funny, and real is arguable right now..argh.
Posted by: BigAlice at October 3, 2005 07:03 PM
So I am friggin' hot pink on fire!!! I need it!!!! Life has sucked so bad in 2005 I am ready for an upswing!!!
Posted by: cheryl at October 3, 2005 07:19 PM
Oooooh, how I love being an Aquarius!!! Beautiful horoscopes, love them all.
Posted by: Alisha at October 3, 2005 07:19 PM
ROCKTOBER!!! Freaking awesome! I am so glad to be an Aquarius!
Posted by: Tina at October 3, 2005 07:21 PM
Well, creativity condoms or not? Metaphors or not?!
Jeez.
Posted by: Dana at October 3, 2005 07:33 PM
Hmph. I don't buy lottery tickets, so that extra cash for Pisces will have to come in the form of a rich man (oh! dare I dream?) or a dead relative (...depending on the relative, oh! dare I dream?)
OK, it's official, I'm going to hell for that one.
Posted by: Julie at October 3, 2005 08:05 PM
That was all the encouragement I needed - I'm putting on my silly hat, mixing up some jello (or, in my case, extra cheesy mac & cheese) and cavorting like I'm not a capricorn anymore!
I wonder if IK or one of those magazines needs a knitstrologer - you'd be great!
Posted by: MeBeth at October 3, 2005 08:17 PM
Laurie, honey, how are you not getting paid for these horoscopes? You should send the link around to some magazines. Seriously, these are terrific!
--Kathy, who does too remember you and who STILL hasn't updated her knitting blog despite being back in LA for 3 whole days
Posted by: Kathy at October 3, 2005 09:29 PM
Another procastinating Sag here..
off to make a list
Posted by: Amy at October 3, 2005 10:50 PM
Laurie, this Scorp needs to know good things are on their way cos like September has been the month from hell, jobwise, housewise and even personal-wise. So I'll hang in there for October (whilst my Cancerian and Piscean parts start partying) and enjoy November!
Posted by: Lynne S of Oz at October 4, 2005 12:40 AM
Thank you for kicking Mr. X out of the Aries club so that the goodly ones in the bunch can hope for a decent month. Lord knows I need it!
Posted by: Amy at October 4, 2005 04:56 AM
I love your Hor-O-Scopes! They are by far my favorite, since even when you deliver not-so-great news you do it in a way that's encouraging instead of scary. But this month there's NO bad news for this Pisces Sun/Aquarius Ascendent/Cancer Moon woman. GoodGoodGOOD news! And by gawd, I'm ready for some!!
Thanks for doing these every month! :-)
Posted by: DebR at October 4, 2005 05:33 AM
ROCK on, ROCKTOBER. I was so glad to read that Aquarians were going to have an awesome month. Cause you know, October was starting to look like SUCKtober.
Thanks Laurie!
Posted by: Nicole at October 4, 2005 06:22 AM
prograsting is my middle name!!! us sags got to get off our butt... i think i will spoil myself on the 30th cause thats muh birthday!!!!
Posted by: Koolbreeze at October 4, 2005 06:56 AM
Hmm..I'm a Taurus and last fall I left my husband and spent most of September and October jumping every time the phone rang because, well...let's just leave it at that. Aunt Purl says that won't happen again. If it starts up, can I come stay with you? Can I bring MY cats??
Posted by: LL at October 4, 2005 07:22 AM
Laurie you are a genius with the Horrorscopes! I look forward to them each month. You nailed me again (Capricorn) and I swear I'm gonna loosen up this month for sure.
Posted by: Fannie Pie at October 4, 2005 07:57 AM
HOLY! I must agree with Kim about you being dead on for Sag's! *sigh* I think you have just removed the last barrier... I'm guess off to write the list now.
Posted by: Dani at October 4, 2005 08:12 AM
I won't let Mr. X have any of my good Aries October luck! I plan on keeping it all to myself. 'Bout time, too!
Posted by: Mary at October 4, 2005 09:06 AM
Oh dear.....do 10 things I've been dreading doing, all in one month? Being a Sag. sucks sometimes.
Posted by: Dianna at October 4, 2005 09:08 AM
We Sag's are going to get it Done this month! Thanks for kick in the keister, Aunt Purl.
Posted by: JulieZS at October 4, 2005 09:32 AM
I also promise not to share any of my good Aries luck with Mr. X! I need it all for myself!
We'll just go right on ahead and kick his butt out of our cosmic family and the rest of us Aries can go about being the good people we are!
Posted by: Tiffany at October 4, 2005 09:41 AM
Well you have made my day, I have been waiting to hear news like this for some time now! Thank you a very grateful Piscean! =:0)
Posted by: Beverley at October 4, 2005 09:47 AM
Last month you told us cancers to stop worrying and eat better or else. That or else turned out to be mild case of shingles!!! I'm learning my lesson.
And THANK GOODNESS that good news is coming my way. Happy! I want happy!!
Posted by: Debra at October 4, 2005 10:20 AM
It's confirmed, you're certifiable...in a good way. LOL
Miss you!
Posted by: LadyLinoleum at October 4, 2005 10:38 AM
October, one of my favorite months already, has made it to the top of my list! But, with all of us Capricorns running amuck and eating J-ello, who is going to run the world?
Posted by: Alison at October 4, 2005 10:39 AM
What do you mean you can see right through me??? What do you mean I can't know it all??? Crap!!!Off to eat some Jello.......... :)
Posted by: Carol at October 4, 2005 01:50 PM
Coming out of lurkerdom to say *so* totally glad that Mr. X is an alien, because I'm an Aries & so very much do not want the pox.
And that I love your horoscopes.
Posted by: Cordelia at October 4, 2005 04:45 PM
i'm laughing because #1 I'm an aries and well my e-mail address is toobadsosad
it's funny.
not all us Aries are bad. but the make aries' can suck something awesomely feirce.
Posted by: Shelley at October 5, 2005 02:39 PM
No way!! Im a Cancer too!Gotta say you make me
woooohoo outloud in the privacy of my own studio....Just so you think yer job aint so bad....I just took a "postion" at a retail crafts
chain...a part -time "JOBBY" to uh supplement my
at home quilting biz!It's completely de-moralizing and poverty wage level..but hey I get to buy the stuffed kitty on display for next to nuthin when it's time....for my ever patient and horribly allergic guy.So you know..its worth it..I havent told my cats yet...(Who's the stiff?")
cant wait for some happy.......
Posted by: schnoobie at October 7, 2005 08:36 PM
aries r #1
Posted by: tiffany/100/aries at October 8, 2005 12:41 PM
