Oh honey.... I don't know what to say. Girlfriends are fun, but there is nothing like loving someone passionately to make your day -- just the intimacy alone is something we humans crave.... it's just too bad most of the interesting men seem to be gay....too bad for women anyway, not for them, they seem perfectly happy to be in platonic relationships with women...like we are.... wish I knew a nice S.Caleeforneea guy to fix you up with...I can't imagine a man not falling head over heels for you!! After all you are as sweet as the tea you drink! (and while I am rambling-- did you notice the advertisement for the new television show about female realtors that is a cross between friends and sex and the city (name not remembered)?? They have on their ad for the first episode about an incident of "DRUNK DIALING" --I wonder if they are stealing material from you!!!!!????)

second post! I am happy to be first!! :P

Don't worry yourself about it. There's nothing wrong with replying back. Don't follow "The Rules" unless you want to end up going out with the sort of man who would want a woman who followed "The Rules".

Although you make some excellent points on email etiquette, my true take away is that you used the "want to eat your own hand" phrase that my college roommate used to use. She was from Pascagoola. I'm thinking it's a southern thing, and that as a lifelong Yankee I need to stop saying it 'cause it's just WRONG to say it with a yankee accent. Damn.

You forgot to mention how long you've been getting-to-know-E-ach-other, who is he? Where did you meet? come on more details!
By the way-how's the fire?

Gail, I had no idea that was a Southern thing, but come to think of it I have never heard anyone outside the SE say that phrase either. Hmmmm.

My house is safe! Thanks for asking, Chris :) The fire is out for now, although we do have Santa Anas this week, so fingers crossed nothing else catches on fire... welcome to LA! Bring marshmallows!

Mystery Person who likes email is TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL. Of course. Heh. I am not ready for dating in any way, shape, form. No sireeee! Way. Too. Gun-shy.

Yeah, who is he? :D

Nothing wrong with emailing when you want to. It's the Real You. What rules? I have a friend (just a friend, blah blah blah) who takes a day or more to reply to me, but when I see the reply, I brighten up and respond within minutes (or an hour at most). Because I want to!

I have found that the Email Rules are always what I want them to be at any particular moment, and usually a double standard applies, so that I can take my sweet time replying, but freak out when I don't get an immediate response. Because I have the Drama. Thankfully it has receded a bit after two years.

Also, missy, you could reply to some of the emails you get from your friends once in a while, too. :-P

Hypothetical person, hmmmm?

I would say reply when you want to. Be yourself and don't worry too much about the rules.

If, however, you start to feel compelled to forward every funny email your mom sends to you to this "HYPOTHETICAL" person, you might consider email therapy.

;-D

Is the "more cowbell" a reference to Christopher Walken and demented Will Farrell on SNL? OMG, I can't breathe, that makes me laugh! Please tell me that I actually get the joke! Could there be an ants on a log joke coming soon??

I'm 37 and I remember work before email, cell phones and voice messaging- BLISS!!

Liza-- yes yes!! MORE COWBELL.

Are you calling me hypothetical?

Oh! Ya'll meet Drew, my hypothetical :)

thank you thank you --- I'll be here through Thursday....

i have to reply right away, or the other email messages bury the one i actually care about and if i can't see it, i forget about it (at least until i am trying to fall asleep in bed a week later).

don't some email clients/servers allow you to send an email at a later time or date? i'm on a mac with limited options, but at my last job, i had colleagues queue a lot of email to go out in the wee hours to make it look like they were super dedicated.

Drew's your hypothetical?

I am so jealous.

Hey you. don't worry about the whole timestamp thing. If someone wants to hear from you, they want to hear from you and there's no reason why you should wait any longer than you damn well please. as a yankee, there is no waiting, only doing what you like. oh yeah, and grits are icky. If you're knitting on Thursday, I'll come and teach you intarsia.

Yeah, but I think he's cheating on me with Annie Modesitt. I can't compete with a goddess. I am just a crazy cat lady... MORE COWBELL!!

Oh yeah, and this...

"I've got a fever, and the only cure, is more cowbell."

Laurie-

I just think it's awesome that there is actually a man that you are interested in getting to know better. Hypothetical or otherwise! Kudos to you after all you've been through!

When you are ready to rejoin The Game ... you will be snapped up in no time! You go, girl!

As if there weren't enough dating stress already! To me - email is more casual than a phone call so skip all of the rules. If someone doesn't email back - I don't get as stressed out as if someone doesn't call back. Go for it - get to know someone with the wonderful new technology and good luck!

"some SVP asking for more cowbell..."

i might have peed, i laughed so hard.

I never got the dating thing in the first place. I suspect all those time to reply rules (phone or e-mail) are based on a model of relationship you are no longer interested in. If you and Mr. Hypothetical are 'getting to know each other' then what would be the point of pretending to be someone you aren't? Just saying. But then, I never dated much (though I'm in a relationship now and have been for over 14 years).

Maybe playing games is what got you your lovely ex-husband, so you need to just let that drop altogether. I agree with Mary in Boston, if he wants to hear from you, he wants to hear from you. Guys don't really care when so much as women.

The only men who enjoy playing games are players.

excuse me, I mean I agree with Peggy.

I don't know if this helps or hinders, but when I get an message from a particular email correspondent, I purposely save that for last. I love seeing his name on my list, and it gives me a chance to pace myself with him, so I don't come off as too needy. I also don't worry about the time/datestamp b/c our work emails go through a server - IN CHICAGO. So it's not like they are accurate anyway. :) Got a cat joke for you - will send it by email. :)

-D.

Rules schmules, that’s what I say. “The Rules” seems like nothing more than a guise to prevent people from actually getting to know one another. That my 2¢. But then again, serial relationshipist here, never was much of a dater.

hmmm. I say in practical terms. 12-24 hours. You might not have been checking your e-mail...who knows but you? On the other hand, to say you have not checked your email in a day...this is not plausible in these technomological times.

love you. BTW - first thing I thought of when I first smelled the fires...MARSHMALLOWS!!!

Oh Laurie you might like to know via my blog my recently divorced stepson (30) has said he's gotten lost reading your blog it's so entertaining. He said you need to be a writer because you express yourself so very well.

Trying to get him back into the dating game but with a 2 yr old son it's a little tricky, plus he's a bit gun shy himself. Told him to try the online thing, email and such and he acts like I'm flippin nuts. Heck I never told him to run out and get married.

BTW I love Annie Modesitt mainly because, through her, I found your site ;)

Yeah, What Maggie says - and Mary in Boston too. Just be yourself and if you answer right away that's fine, honeybelle, just don't get all bent out of shape if he's doin' the guy thing and gets back to you tomorrow, ok? Don't worry about timestamps and all that garbage. I know this is all "hypothetical" and all, but you tell "your friend" all this advice you got from your blog devotees, ok? Let her know that we all care about CAP's "friend". (uh huh)

From where I sit (read: buried under 2 tons of work and chaos), if you have time to respond to hypothetical's email now, you should respond now 'cause Lord knows, if you let it wait for whatever that acceptable amount of time is, then you might be too busy to respond. Plus, you know there will be days that you CAN'T respond right away and will won't to. I say take it as it comes and don't add unnecessary stress.

Of course, there is this disclaimer: I am from good Southern stock like you and I was 24 and living on my own for nearly 4 years before I ever "called a boy" without him calling me first. Now I'm 28 and married and still stop and think whether or not I should call....

Actually in my post I was thinking "Drew", but he's --well -- involved.....

Wow. I am so glad I've been married Since Time Began (ok, 24 years) and don't need to know these things. Of course that also means I can't offer an opinion on what the rules are, or if you should follow them, or if you should just make up some of your own, although the last option sounds good to me.

You have, however, left yourself wide open to my A Yankee Is bit. Ready?

A Yankee is:
to a Brit, any American
to a Southerner, any Northerner
to a Northerner, any New Englander
to a New Englander, a New Englander whose family has lived in New England for at least 5 generations, or who says "ayuh" a lot
to a Red Sox fan, the Antichrist.

Under at least the first four definitions, you have your rude Yankees and your polite Yankees. Just like Brits and Southerners. Really.

(If you hadn't guessed, I fit definition four and subscribe to definition five.)

hey there - I am a new reader and I feel I must share my little story with you - it might actually help. but first off - your blog is hysterical, I've been slacking off from my duties and reading the back stuff bit by bit because you make me laugh so hard.

so...back in January of '04, my fiance dumped me - not the same as a divorce - but in my little world, it was pretty hard. fast forward 7 months to the end of July. I am at a job (I freelance and go somewhere new every day), I have been driving my ex's car (we had been friends for years before dating and I was determined to keep that)and I'm just about at the point where I have decided that IT (being the ex and myself) is not going to work/get a grip/he doesn't want you/why do you want him/etc etc. OK, so I've coralled some guy into the makeup chair by telling him his bald head is too shiny (hello, grace) and we end up chatting and he goes away. then he comes back. and asks me out. that night. I'm feeling spontaneous - but not really in a date mode and hey there's two other guys going to this concert too - so I say sure. At the concert, I cuss so much I make him turn red, then we get in my car, he has to see the GIANT dog crate (partially chewed by my loving but spastic darling) oh yeah, and then I mention I'm driving my ex's car. I think, real smart there lis, but then I think who cares, he won't ask me out again. well, I was wrong. we're still dating, we've talked to each other every single day but two since we met and he's met the dog (loves her) and the ex (likes him better than I do probably) and my crazy family (CLAIMS he likes them too). and I realized that, if the weirdness i own doesn't show up at first, then it would pop out sometime cause I can't hide it forever, so live out loud, Purl. when you're ready (and only then) make him love all of you - 4 cats and all - because I've never met anyone who loves me like this guy does (and no, he's nowhere near perfect - makes me crazy all the time) but if anyone should be running fast and far - it's him, because girl I was sending up more flags than a racetrack. good luck - oh yeah, and e-mail whomever whenever you want to. think how good you feel when you get one (that's not work, etc) - how could anyone feel any different?

Lucia!! That reminded me of one of my all-time favorite email spams... which is THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY.

The list includes:
* I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
* Duct tape won't fix that.
* The tires on that truck are too big.
* She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
and
* I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

heheheheh

You can read the whole list here:
http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/redneckjokes/southerner.shtml

lisa z... I LOVE YOUR POST!!!!

When do we get details on the guy? You could always compose an email as soon as you get one, and then wait and send it later. Then you don't have to worry all day about, did he get my email? When's he gonna write back? etc etc

If I'm a West Coast Girl (shouldn't we get our own category?) who was born in Chicago and spent serious time in the Northeast, Yank Capital of the World, and has a Southern Mamma...when am I a Yank, exactly, and to whom?

Anyway, with this Southern Mamma, I have the typical advice: wait on the email! 12-24 hours is good advice.

I could go into a long explanation of why this is not a bad idea, but rather an expression of women's rights and general bad-assness, blah blah blah--I mentioned I'm part West Coast Ski Bum, Part Yank Blue Stocking, Part Midwest Rigid, and Part Southern Belle, right?--but it would be awfully long and probably logically godawful. It works for me.

The point IS: can't wait to email? Compose that fantastic, funny email. And then SAVE IT AS A DRAFT, assuming you don't have that terrific queueing capability someone mentioned that I sure wish I had. Email it 12 hours later. (This method has the added benefit of getting to enjoy your witty and terrific email all over again!)

Then again, I am currently emailing someone, and the first few emails I sent almost immediately after he emailed me, in spite of him taking it easy on the timing, and now we've reversed those roles. So who knows? There's still something to my mama's advice: if you're emailing him 20 minutes after you get his email and he's emailing you three days after he gets yours, there's an imbalance there, and that's not good.

Dude, Lauren, we gave the same advice!

I email people back as soon as I get the email. Unless I don't know what to say. But yeah, that can be REALLYQUICK sometimes cause I sometimes check my email like 50 times a day. I say if the butt doesn't like my emailing habits, tough lambchops! And somehow I got a man online. You just never know.

It is my highly regarded (by myself and 6 four-footed creatures) opinion that it is not necessarily the timeliness of the response as much as how involved the response is. Should it be short and sweet (because you are a popular and busy woman in high demand) or lengthy and gabby (because you have nothing else going on in your life). That's just my opinion. I'm not good at these things, I would tend to be too gabby because I think I am so bright and funny!

"Help me, I'm a man in shiny golden diapers. You don't understand? Then, MORE COWBELL."

Umm...yeah. So, if it weren't already official, it is now. I'm a [gasp] Yankee.

Because if Mr. Hypothetical emailed me and his was the only email I received that day that didn't make me want to shoot my computer with a 12 gauge, I would just email him back if I wanted to. I think rules are stupid and life is too damn short for the chess game, as you put it. Though, I do agree with Mary that the email certainly should be short and witty not long and ponderous. You're good at witty.

So, there you have it. Yankee through and through. At least on the subject of email, and apparently "rules".

Allow 12-24 hours for him to tingle with that delicious feeling of anticipation that you get waiting for *his* emails. Hypothetically. As funny as you are, I'm sure he looks forward to yours all day too. Nothing wrong holding off a tiny bit to increase the excitement. Like waiting to sleep with someone just so you can linger in that sweet kissing-at-the-door-will-we-or-won't we take-this-inside phase of dating. Live out the moment for what it's worth because courtship doesn't last and even if it makes you crazy, it's a fun time. And I agree with previous posters - if I just can't wait, I write it, then save it as a draft. The added bonus is that you can look it over before you send it later.

Aunt Purl, Did you just step into my life and see the hell the internets and the emails have on me? I too don't quite understand all the rules and is there a book that I was supposed to get? And no, not the one about Rules, etc but the one with the unwritten ones?

Secondly , is there something you want to tell us? About love?

I have nothing to disclose at this time. I'm practically Tom DeLay that way.

More Cowbell!! - That had me laughing out loud. My boy and I say that all the the time and people think we are nuts. "I gotta fever...a fever for more cowbell!"

Hell Purl, email him your phone number and cut out the email after that, you know those rules well it is your home team advantage. How is that for southern girl hard to get (No,sweetie, I don't do email...here is my phone number) It is way to easy to hide the real you (or him) behind the email crap.

Me? Did the online dating thing last Fall. Email/IM was too hard to get a gauge for the real guys (but fun for flirting). Met my L.A. Guy online...we talked on the phone for a month...he came for a visit last January and never left.

It is never bad advice to be yourself. Better to know up front what everybody thinks right? I mean we ain't got all day people!!!! Time is precious.
excellent post, you are definitely original and very refreshing, thank you.
David.

my Gawd Purl.

Ok. If you use outlook express you can set the time for the email to send. it can go out at 3 am. it's a nifty sneaky little trick. (email me if you REALLY want to know how to do it)

However - just my 2 cents worth: what's the point of playing the coy/hard to get/chase me game? I mean, really. doesn't it just waste time? i've gotten to the point in my life where i just think 'blunt and honest' works best. If you like the guy, why is it a bad thing for him to know it?

and let me also give this food for thought. I have a male friend who likes this cute blonde chick. He calls her sometimes and then does that whole 'but it's her turn to call me and she hasn't called so she must not like me' thing or 'well she didn't reply to my email so i guess she doesn't want to talk to me' thing. and it's *ANNOYING*. got it?? annoying. So, yeah, guys do the SAME THING - why hasn't she called? why hasn't she replied to my email? i thought things were going so well. i really thought 'she gets me and i get her'.

So why do people play the game? honestly. wouldn't it just work so much better to say 'you know, i like you and i enjoy my 'time' with you and i'm enjoying getting to know you' "Yeah, Me too." and Move Along People...

but that's just me :)

love you Purl.

I spit my coffee out at the screen at monkeygirl....I am in Chicago and my e-mail goes through a server in California!

I too was married before e-mail. Yikes!

I agree with e-mailing him you number and telling him you answer 20359135710804 e-mails at work and prefer actual conversations.

If he gets the cowbell reference he is a keeper.

I was married at 21, divorced at 33. Then I started dating this guy, sort of casually, but we had been, um, intimate and all. So to me, he was officially my Boyfriend. Not that we had discussed terminology.

Anyway, so I went on my first business trip since we met. I was in NY in my hotel room, all checked in, and I thought "I need to call someone to tell them I made it safely." Because I always had done that when I was married. So I called this guy 3000 miles away back home, the guy I had only been dating for a month, and said "Well, I'm here, safely. How are you?" Long pause on the other end. All of a sudden, I thought, omg, what am I doing?

And just like that it was over. The awkward pause was too weird. I came home from the trip and never called him, and he never called me.

It's OK. The guy I eventually married, the guy washing the dishes in the kitchen right now, is a much better guy who never would have thought I was weird for calling him to say hi.

But, yes, the rules still exist.

Awwww, crap!

I just found yet another area of social discord in which I am completely inept.

Also? *I have HEARD, because I wouldn't know from personal experience, due to all my ineptitude* - They don't like it if you correct their spelling when you reply. Just... so you know. In case, is all.

If you catch them when their in a lonely time of their life, it doesn't seem to matter that you respond to email immediately. It didn't for me. The trick is to find a guy who just moved to your area and has no friends or family nearby. Worked for me.

I've never been good at all these when to call/not call games. My Southern mommy had a rule when I was growing up that I was not allowed to call boys. I broke that one a couple of times (but, sadly, not many). Does it somehow make you a slut to pick up the phone and dial? Maybe she thought it would cause me to participate in phone sex. Who knows? But, I can sympathize with your dilemma.

*pfffft* - don't worry about all that stuff - just DO it - immediately ...

that's what i do - and i am very happy without those games...

Rules smules! I tried to follow all those good Southern Girl rules in my 20's and it was such a pain. Really, just live life and let all that stress about "should I or should I not" vanish. I broke all the rules within the first week of dating my guy and I ended up marrying him. Lord, I even moved in with him within a month and half of starting to date and we've been together now 5 years.

Rules are for younger people that really don't have a clue. Most of the time this means the guys! E-mail him back when you want to. Can't imagine you'd be interested or want a guy that weirds out because you e-mailed back to soon!

This whole thing - your post, Laurie, and the comments - cracked me up. I don't get the cowbell thing, but that's okay, right?

And I totally understand about the email thing. I used to bug my best friend in that when I started dating my last SO, I would email HER every 10-15 minutes asking about what it meant that I hadn't gotten a reply yet. Her response? "Uhm. You're at work. And maybe she's working, too?"

Anyway, I want to know who Mystery Person is and how you met him. Because I would like a Mystery Person, too, but am afraid of match.com and things of that ilk.

I like to send immediate, LONG, intricate e-mails. Somehow, this still landed me a man. He wasn't even scared off by my extreme use of commas and run-on sentences. Screw the rules. This is part of the living-out-loud new you...do what ya want, how ya want, and the rest will follow!

Oh lordy... i just keep giggling over the hand eating thing, I think it'll make me smile all day.

Wait, you've met someone interesting? You are doing waaaaaaay much better than I am, in that case.

I say screw whether there are rules on emailing. Personally, I dont' think of emailing like a phone call, for instance. I think of it like having a conversation. If someone asked you a question to your face, you wouldn't sit there and do some work and not reply, would you?

Don't bother with rules. One of the ways I knew my husband was for me was because he completely disregarded all rules. He called me the day after we met! We went out that night! We spent the entire weekend with each other! Can I use more exclamation points?! And this from a true-blue yank, as well. I liked the comment that only players play by the "rules"... too true!

I figure if you are at work...you totally have an excuse for answering immediately! After all, you are at your desk, right in front of the email, so why wouldn't you respond??? In fact, it might be rude NOT to respond immediately! Keep in mind though that like you, I dated when there was no email or internets and since email, I am a married emailer. Guess that kind of negates my advice, doesn't it :)

I'm 40 and single, so definitely the furthest thing from an expert, but I'm all for the "be true to yourself" philosophy. Trust your gut and if you want to reply and know what you want to say, do it. If he's the right guy, it won't matter, and it's better not to play games. If you're not sure how to respond, wait and ruminate on what to say. It'll come to you. I use this philosophy for both work and personal emails, and it hasn't failed me yet, (although I'm still single, which some might call a failure).

And OMG - "more cowbell"! -- I'm working in conference room right now with other people and had to fight HARD to stifle the laughter and tears after reading that. I thought I was the only one who thought that skit on SNL was one of their funniest ever!

From one southern gal to another -- you rock, Laurie!

Just found your site and I'm finding you wildly entertaining.

Also, as a player-to-the-bone, I wholeheartedly agree with everyone one who said, "Only players play by the rules." Very true! I don't see a problem with that. I don't want to settle down right now, so I'm enjoying being a player, playing the game, and playing by the rules. Who knows--if I fell hard for somebody, I might turn into the most raving maniac ever. :)

See, my problem with e-mailing the guy immediately is that I would want him to then e-mail ME back within 5 seconds and, if he didn't, I would obsess about it much more, checking my emails like every time I blinked. For my own sanity, I would have to hold off just a little bit, take a walk around the office, go to the snack room and buy M&M's, stare at myself in the bathroom mirror, etc. rather than worry I had sent the response too quickly and would never, ever hear from this guy again b/c he might think I'm not mature enough to delay gratification and b/c I am dying to hear from him as the rest of my life is so dull (both things which be mostly true, but I wouldn't want him to know that until about the 15th date).

Yankee to the core (Or should I say New Englander, because I definitely fit into the category 4 from the message above - you aren't a Yankee if you haven't lived in New England for at least 5 generations.) And like all the other New Englanders posting, I can't imagine worrying about the rules. Call if you want to call, write if you want to write, try not to call more than you would want that person to call you, that's all. It works out pretty well.

You all (note the Californian use of the two words used separately from each other)...You all have just made me insane. THAT's why MY mystery email guy has not written or called me back - I wrote him back with a LIGHTNING fast response, cuz I'm an email nerd like that, yo. Oh well. Like many of you said, if he can't handle my quirky quirks (and believe me, there's a lot of them...like I'm a 27 year old single girl who knits) - if he can't handle them, then he can take a flying leap. And PS - I may try out that "eat my hand" phrase, but I'm warning you all that because I'm a California girl (ancestors from both Boston and Missoura) - I may screw it up.

Great post! I'm looking forward for more. Lazy, Industrious, Central nothing comparative to Full: http://www.joblo.com/ , when Mistery is Table it will Compute Game Coolblooded Plane Compute or not , Red, Bad, Green nothing comparative to Central to Roll Table you should be very Bad