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September 6, 2005

Hor-O-Scopes: September, 2005

Hi ya'll! Astrology out of thin air!

So, Jupiter and Pluto are hanging out and having a little planet party on the 17th, and that's right before the full moon, see? And ya'll know how planets can be. Only these guys are like... the party planets. So, some stuff will really suck this month, but the planets will hold a press conference to say it's all getting better and then Uranus or someone will get a DUI and before long, you've got FoxNews trying to tell you that DUIs are good for the economy.

Whatever! The point is, September is here. Labor Day is gone. Whites are safely stored away for another year. Planets are hooking up. Hilarity ensues. Etc. etc.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Back in the old days, during ceremonial precessions people of very high rank were mounted upon horses, presumably to let people know they were the poop. Hence the birth of the delightfully snotty term "up on your high horse." The interesting thing about people who are all superior and arrogant is that they sit on the toilet just like everyone else. My father says it a bit more delicately.. "They take their pants off one leg at a time just like you and me." Trust my dad, he knows what he's talking about. The point? Don't allow someone to intimidate you just because they're way up high in the parade. You have the power here -- you can decide whether or not you'll be wooed by their apparent importance or whether you'll choose to see your own greatness in context. And if that doesn't help you assuage your feelings of intimidation, remember what I said about the toilet.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
John Morton defined a prodigy as a "child who plays the piano when he ought to be in bed." Surely, he was speaking of the prodigal nature of Pisces, creative and driven, passionate and prone to insomnia. Of course he said nothing about that habit you have of constantly changing streams like a little fishy with ADD, never being able to decide which passion it is that you want to pursue. And he cleverly left out the part where you take on three or four or five different passions at once until you're so burned out you can do nothing but stare aimlessly into the walls wondering why nothing ever gets accomplished. But that's ok. You're a prodigy. Now get some sleep.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Remember the old "I'm going on a camping trip..." word game? It goes something like this: I'm going on a camping trip, and I'm bringing Aries, bravado, candor, dogma, effigy, fighting and gossip. But I'm also bringing along hanky-panky, imagination, a journal, know-how, love and magic. Some camping trip, eh? Round out the list with your own campside necessities.... you have a little bit of everything in your bag, Aries, and often it's simply a matter of choosing which parts of yourself you're happy taking along for the trip.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I have a very good friend that once failed her first drug test. She toked the merry weed on graduation night, not realizing that the job market for new liberal arts grads was humiliatingly dim, and she might be forced to apply for a job at State Farm Insurance. Her parents pressured her to fill out an application at the local insurance agency, and a life of secretary spread and 15-minute coffee breaks seemed inevitable. But she failed the required drug test. FAILED. After the humiliation simmered down, she packed her bags and took a writing job in a town 300 miles away. It altered forever the course of her personal history, and she is now a writer and successful editor. Moral of the story: even when you pee in a cup and fail, your life can change for the better.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Like sands from the hourglass, these are the maddening days of our lives. It's the whole white-after-Labor-Day paradox (what? You didn't know there was a paradox? For shame!) I can't go into depth on the paradox here, since that needs wine and ya'll! It's not even 9 a.m.! But let's just say you're feeling fresh as a daisy one day and tired like a faded head of lettuce the next. This is completely understandable in a month that is usually hotter than a witch's tittie, and yet, hello! You can't wear white! The good news: your daisy days will far outweigh the wilted lettuce days this September. Just please put away the white handbags and shoes. For shame!

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Little crabs walk side to side, when they get scared they scoot and hide. With their shells soft underneath, crabs are sweet and good to eat. Beware of sharks and big bad bears, and scary flights of run-down stairs. I like to rhyme with little Cancers, but all they want are some straight answers. Here's a hint, you fellow crabs.... don't mix your stripes with your plaids. Eat your fruits and grains and greens and don't get mad, just get mean. Toughen up that little shell and sometimes say "What the hell..." Take a chance, a risk, a wager and start living now instead of later. My last advice for you to take is to give yourself a worry-break. Oh-- and I promise I'm all through with silly, stinky rhymes for you. Heh. No, really, I am! (Green eggs and ham.) Whoops.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Imagine your house is your own personal game show. When everyone seems defiantly challenging you to fail, you have choices: Behind door number one is pure despondency -- you can fail miserably by not even trying. Hiding behind door number two is your sneaky sense of fear and self doubt -- you half-heartedly move forward expecting to fail, but you blame it on everyone else and are secretly satisfied that you gave 'em what they wanted. OR! Knock knock on door number three ... where you decide once and for all (again) to ignore those who don't have your best interest at heart. You know who I'm talking about, and it's time to show them door number four -- the one that leads out of your life. And make sure you tell them not to let the door hit 'em on the ass on the way out.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
There are some thrills that seem particularly death defying. Like, for instance, riding the giant old roller coaster which sits on the state line between California and Nevada. The rickety ride is enormous, with loops and twists and turns and plunges. You really feel like you're having the thrill of a lifetime by riding that old rollercoaster -- and, in fact, it's so poorly maintained, you suspect you are actually taking your life into your own hands when you ride it. Your thrills for the next few weeks will be marked with this same sense of endorphin gratification -- enjoy it! The ups and downs this month will be a welcome change from the cavernous pit you've been in. It's bumpy, but a wild ride!

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Ever been so lost you had to call the operator just to get a 911 on your location? Ah, then you'll be well prepared for this fall. You're about to embark on a three month cycle of emotional binge and purge, alternately craving attention and hating everyone in sight. While I'm sure there is an astrological term for this cycle, I think I'll call it PMS-on-acid. I'd give you some tips on how to handle this malady, but by now you're already tired of me and I'm getting on your nerves. Now you feel kinda bad about it. But that annoys you too. See what I mean?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Some guy out in Nebraska had a dream. He looked out upon the cornfields and prairies of Middle America and thought, "This would be the perfect place to build a replica of Stonehenge using CARS instead of ROCKS!" And so he did. He called it CARHENGE, and you can visit it just outside Alliance, Nebraska. I smell a Scorpio here, ya'll. You Scorps are dreamers, but your real talent is being able to make a buck off it. I don't expect you to go off and build a replica of Easter Island using Coke cans and marbles, but I do see a few months ahead of creativity and -- yes -- money. To get your hands on the green stuff make sure you don't keep your ideas all to yourself, and you'll be rolling in the dough, Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
This is your captain speaking. Get your passport, buy your tickets and hold on tight to your Pepto-Bismol, ya'll are in for a trip down memory lane when someone from your past makes an unexpected visit to your present. With summer over and winter looming ahead of you, it would be easy to fall back into your old ways. Keep your eyes on the road and remind yourself that this is merely a detour -- perhaps a scenic drive -- on the way to your final destination. If all else fails, look at where you've been... you know you don't want to go backwards, now, do you? (In fact, this is good advice for Cancers, too, but I was busy Busta Rhymin' up there. Ah well.)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
If the Olympics had a category for Zodiac superstars, I have no doubt you'd win the gold medal for Long-Distance Courage. You might even grab the silver medal for the 300-meter Loyalty Dash, edged out of the gold medal only by a tenacious Cancerian or a fiery Scorpio. One of your greatest strengths is your commitment to the finish line. But when it comes to changing courses during the downhill events or cutting corners on the balance beam you need a little practice. Keep in mind that if you want to reach your dreams, you have to be flexible enough to jump for them and willing to make some changes in your dismount.

Posted by laurie at September 6, 2005 9:37 AM