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September 06, 2005
Hor-O-Scopes: September, 2005
Hi ya'll! Astrology out of thin air!
So, Jupiter and Pluto are hanging out and having a little planet party on the 17th, and that's right before the full moon, see? And ya'll know how planets can be. Only these guys are like... the party planets. So, some stuff will really suck this month, but the planets will hold a press conference to say it's all getting better and then Uranus or someone will get a DUI and before long, you've got FoxNews trying to tell you that DUIs are good for the economy.
Whatever! The point is, September is here. Labor Day is gone. Whites are safely stored away for another year. Planets are hooking up. Hilarity ensues. Etc. etc.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Back in the old days, during ceremonial precessions people of very high rank were mounted upon horses, presumably to let people know they were the poop. Hence the birth of the delightfully snotty term "up on your high horse." The interesting thing about people who are all superior and arrogant is that they sit on the toilet just like everyone else. My father says it a bit more delicately.. "They take their pants off one leg at a time just like you and me." Trust my dad, he knows what he's talking about. The point? Don't allow someone to intimidate you just because they're way up high in the parade. You have the power here -- you can decide whether or not you'll be wooed by their apparent importance or whether you'll choose to see your own greatness in context. And if that doesn't help you assuage your feelings of intimidation, remember what I said about the toilet.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
John Morton defined a prodigy as a "child who plays the piano when he ought to be in bed." Surely, he was speaking of the prodigal nature of Pisces, creative and driven, passionate and prone to insomnia. Of course he said nothing about that habit you have of constantly changing streams like a little fishy with ADD, never being able to decide which passion it is that you want to pursue. And he cleverly left out the part where you take on three or four or five different passions at once until you're so burned out you can do nothing but stare aimlessly into the walls wondering why nothing ever gets accomplished. But that's ok. You're a prodigy. Now get some sleep.
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Remember the old "I'm going on a camping trip..." word game? It goes something like this: I'm going on a camping trip, and I'm bringing Aries, bravado, candor, dogma, effigy, fighting and gossip. But I'm also bringing along hanky-panky, imagination, a journal, know-how, love and magic. Some camping trip, eh? Round out the list with your own campside necessities.... you have a little bit of everything in your bag, Aries, and often it's simply a matter of choosing which parts of yourself you're happy taking along for the trip.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I have a very good friend that once failed her first drug test. She toked the merry weed on graduation night, not realizing that the job market for new liberal arts grads was humiliatingly dim, and she might be forced to apply for a job at State Farm Insurance. Her parents pressured her to fill out an application at the local insurance agency, and a life of secretary spread and 15-minute coffee breaks seemed inevitable. But she failed the required drug test. FAILED. After the humiliation simmered down, she packed her bags and took a writing job in a town 300 miles away. It altered forever the course of her personal history, and she is now a writer and successful editor. Moral of the story: even when you pee in a cup and fail, your life can change for the better.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Like sands from the hourglass, these are the maddening days of our lives. It's the whole white-after-Labor-Day paradox (what? You didn't know there was a paradox? For shame!) I can't go into depth on the paradox here, since that needs wine and ya'll! It's not even 9 a.m.! But let's just say you're feeling fresh as a daisy one day and tired like a faded head of lettuce the next. This is completely understandable in a month that is usually hotter than a witch's tittie, and yet, hello! You can't wear white! The good news: your daisy days will far outweigh the wilted lettuce days this September. Just please put away the white handbags and shoes. For shame!
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Little crabs walk side to side, when they get scared they scoot and hide. With their shells soft underneath, crabs are sweet and good to eat. Beware of sharks and big bad bears, and scary flights of run-down stairs. I like to rhyme with little Cancers, but all they want are some straight answers. Here's a hint, you fellow crabs.... don't mix your stripes with your plaids. Eat your fruits and grains and greens and don't get mad, just get mean. Toughen up that little shell and sometimes say "What the hell..." Take a chance, a risk, a wager and start living now instead of later. My last advice for you to take is to give yourself a worry-break. Oh-- and I promise I'm all through with silly, stinky rhymes for you. Heh. No, really, I am! (Green eggs and ham.) Whoops.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Imagine your house is your own personal game show. When everyone seems defiantly challenging you to fail, you have choices: Behind door number one is pure despondency -- you can fail miserably by not even trying. Hiding behind door number two is your sneaky sense of fear and self doubt -- you half-heartedly move forward expecting to fail, but you blame it on everyone else and are secretly satisfied that you gave 'em what they wanted. OR! Knock knock on door number three ... where you decide once and for all (again) to ignore those who don't have your best interest at heart. You know who I'm talking about, and it's time to show them door number four -- the one that leads out of your life. And make sure you tell them not to let the door hit 'em on the ass on the way out.
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
There are some thrills that seem particularly death defying. Like, for instance, riding the giant old roller coaster which sits on the state line between California and Nevada. The rickety ride is enormous, with loops and twists and turns and plunges. You really feel like you're having the thrill of a lifetime by riding that old rollercoaster -- and, in fact, it's so poorly maintained, you suspect you are actually taking your life into your own hands when you ride it. Your thrills for the next few weeks will be marked with this same sense of endorphin gratification -- enjoy it! The ups and downs this month will be a welcome change from the cavernous pit you've been in. It's bumpy, but a wild ride!
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Ever been so lost you had to call the operator just to get a 911 on your location? Ah, then you'll be well prepared for this fall. You're about to embark on a three month cycle of emotional binge and purge, alternately craving attention and hating everyone in sight. While I'm sure there is an astrological term for this cycle, I think I'll call it PMS-on-acid. I'd give you some tips on how to handle this malady, but by now you're already tired of me and I'm getting on your nerves. Now you feel kinda bad about it. But that annoys you too. See what I mean?
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Some guy out in Nebraska had a dream. He looked out upon the cornfields and prairies of Middle America and thought, "This would be the perfect place to build a replica of Stonehenge using CARS instead of ROCKS!" And so he did. He called it CARHENGE, and you can visit it just outside Alliance, Nebraska. I smell a Scorpio here, ya'll. You Scorps are dreamers, but your real talent is being able to make a buck off it. I don't expect you to go off and build a replica of Easter Island using Coke cans and marbles, but I do see a few months ahead of creativity and -- yes -- money. To get your hands on the green stuff make sure you don't keep your ideas all to yourself, and you'll be rolling in the dough, Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
This is your captain speaking. Get your passport, buy your tickets and hold on tight to your Pepto-Bismol, ya'll are in for a trip down memory lane when someone from your past makes an unexpected visit to your present. With summer over and winter looming ahead of you, it would be easy to fall back into your old ways. Keep your eyes on the road and remind yourself that this is merely a detour -- perhaps a scenic drive -- on the way to your final destination. If all else fails, look at where you've been... you know you don't want to go backwards, now, do you? (In fact, this is good advice for Cancers, too, but I was busy Busta Rhymin' up there. Ah well.)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
If the Olympics had a category for Zodiac superstars, I have no doubt you'd win the gold medal for Long-Distance Courage. You might even grab the silver medal for the 300-meter Loyalty Dash, edged out of the gold medal only by a tenacious Cancerian or a fiery Scorpio. One of your greatest strengths is your commitment to the finish line. But when it comes to changing courses during the downhill events or cutting corners on the balance beam you need a little practice. Keep in mind that if you want to reach your dreams, you have to be flexible enough to jump for them and willing to make some changes in your dismount.
Posted by laurie at September 6, 2005 09:37 AM
Comments
Thanks for the astrology! My Cancer ascendant is definitely in charge of me NOT my sun sign. I AM taking a risk as a matter of fact, decided just this morning, and you're right, I need to stop worrying for a while. Thanks for the positive reinforcement.
Posted by: madeleine at September 6, 2005 10:08 AM
I was JUST sayin' to a friend this weekend (at my birthday champange bash) that my life is starting on a roller coaster and Fall is going to be a wild ride. She disagreed with me, but she's an Aries and she was exhibiting the YAWN right about that time. It was near party-end.
You are so amazing.
Posted by: Annie at September 6, 2005 10:13 AM
Please forgive me. I HAVE to be #3. It's my lucky number. I'm nuber three-ee!
Posted by: Annie at September 6, 2005 10:14 AM
Oh thank you for Cancer! I am going to Scotland tomorrow (which in my mind is a risk) and I am worrying like you wouldn't believe. About me, about my family, about our cats. Yikes it is worry city.
I need to work on being worry free so I can have a fun time! You always hit the horoscope on the nail!
Posted by: LisaB at September 6, 2005 10:44 AM
Do you really write these??? Honestly Laurie you should write a book.
Posted by: cheryl at September 6, 2005 10:53 AM
Thank you, thank you Purl. Gettitng older and wiser (hopefully) has made me realize that one needs to not take things quite so personally, epecially one who is a softie at heart (Cancer).
So, this crab is going to bite back instead of being the "nice" girl. Gonna surprise a few with a crabby nibble! (tee hee hee). Keep up with the important hor-o-scopes. Makes it easier to see minefields ahead and avoid them. Thanks Laurie!!!!
Posted by: Robby at September 6, 2005 10:55 AM
But how can a fish with one bajillion tons of work to get done sleep??? This fish don't need no sleep. But she does need a bicycle.
Wow! That made almost no sense at all. Maybe I should close my eyes. Just for a minute...
Posted by: Julie at September 6, 2005 11:28 AM
NEW "LOST" IN JUST TWO SHORT WEEKS!!! This is what is helping get me over that "The Closer" season finale was last night.
That, and the fact that I'm almost done with my sweater so I can knit something in a color other than green.
Posted by: cant_talk_knitting at September 6, 2005 11:34 AM
Oh my gosh, your Pisces one was completely accurate for me! That is quite scary!
Posted by: Katherine at September 6, 2005 11:40 AM
Goodness, DBF is a Scorpio and I'm a Taurus. What a combination of horrorscopes. Your horrorscope for me this month is an analog of my life. I just never failed a pee test is all, just saying.
Posted by: Denise at September 6, 2005 11:45 AM
I was going to type a long response on the Pisces horoscope...but I have tons of projects to start and not finish, including the eleventeen that I just thought up. And maybe I'll take a nap too. Yawn!
Posted by: taral at September 6, 2005 12:17 PM
That is freakishly right on for this Libra...love the hor-o-scopes.
Posted by: marissa at September 6, 2005 12:51 PM
I am a Taurus. And I was hoping for a delightfully insightful horoscope.
To my amazement (and the amazement of all) I beleive I got one...
Posted by: Gina at September 6, 2005 12:58 PM
I'm a Taurus, and that is TOO FREAKY. My cat just had emergency surgery for bladder stones (they had to give him IV fluids so he could pee in a cup).
Silver lining, please? I didn't really need that thousand dollars I just spent on the cat? I would have met a serial killer on my planned vacation, which I cancelled to stay home with the cat?
Maybe it's just that I can continue to enjoy years of kitty love. (Wilbur wants to know if Bob and Roy have ever been unable to pee.)
Posted by: Anne at September 6, 2005 01:04 PM
I'm a Cancer, and I am so confused...
Posted by: Shelly at September 6, 2005 01:05 PM
Capricorn here...trying desperately to remain courageous. Determined. Not going to quit.. but hey! Tired! Freakin' exhausted! Want this shit to end here!!! Any hope???
Posted by: faith at September 6, 2005 01:24 PM
I love your horoscopes! Yes, I agree with the above statements. When is your book coming out woman? You should jsut call it "Crazy Aunt Purl." Write a book. People WILL buy it.
Posted by: Amie at September 6, 2005 02:41 PM
Ohhh, I just love me some 'Scope for the Cancer in me... You're the best! Love the Rhyme and you are SOOO right, I need to get Tough right about now. No more wimpiness from ME! "Get the fuck out of my way fuckers," will probably be my mantra for September. thanks...
Posted by: jill at September 6, 2005 03:19 PM
But I don't want to be a Libra! haven't I done this enough the last week already? And you're saying three months, and I KNEW this fall was going to be a killer, and now you're telling me more?
I am so fucked.
Posted by: k at September 6, 2005 04:25 PM
i'm too tired for to be a libra. and i hate everyone intermittently anyways, so these coming months shouldn't seem to different.
i have sensed a certain dip in my tolerance though. maybe i need more wine?
Posted by: kendra at September 6, 2005 04:45 PM
I'm a Gemini, but I'm so damned pale I *can't* wear whites. So I just choose to inflict other, equally badly timed fashion faux pas on my loved ones.
Word to the wise: a strappy tank top in freaking January in Montréal is just STOOOOPID. à
Sigh. I'm doomed to have frostbitten shoulders and a dual personality complex.
Posted by: Lee Ann at September 6, 2005 07:07 PM
Nope! Not listening......lalallalallalalalla!!!!! Last Month's was too horrible for us poor Leo's! I'm hiding from the horror-scopes....let me know when Saturn leaves.....lalallalallallalalal!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Lesli at September 6, 2005 07:16 PM
I'm a virgo and think I'm a little scared by your predictions. I think it's part of being a virgo that makes me not like "wild rides" much. I like calm, steady, you know, stuff I can control! Hope it's more ups than downs :)
Posted by: Vicki at September 6, 2005 07:57 PM
Scary. I think you are right on. Scary.
Posted by: debstmomy at September 6, 2005 09:43 PM
As Caner, I love your rhymes!! and your horoscopes.. Thanks loads!
Posted by: Lawre at September 7, 2005 03:51 AM
Um...Gemini here...what is with this "No white after Labor Day" crap? I mean , really! What prude came up with that one? I'm gonna wear white if I damned well feel like it! And sometimes, I wear black in July! Besides, if I wear white in January, I'm camouflaged in the snow, right? Ha! Try and find me! I think I've had enough coffee this morning...
Posted by: Terri at September 7, 2005 06:16 AM
I've never heard that particular description of a Pisces before, but man, did you EVER nail me!!
Posted by: Marcia at September 7, 2005 07:26 AM
After reading the first few words of the Leo horoscope I thought you might predict coming home from two weeks of vacation to 104 degree heat and a broken AC. Then I could blame you for it....what door was that again?
Posted by: Bonnie at September 7, 2005 08:34 AM
LOL - I am a pisces and you are dead on balls acurate.
Now, to figure out which hobby, so I can get some sleep.
Posted by: Lynae at September 7, 2005 08:37 AM
Very scary how accutate the horoscopes are. I am a Pisces and the horoscope has my perfectly, Especially the "And he cleverly left out the part where you take on three or four or five different passions at once until you're so burned out you can do nothing but stare aimlessly into the walls wondering why nothing ever gets accomplished" part.
Posted by: Jackie at September 7, 2005 08:50 AM
Thanks for the Pisces.... this explains my many WIP... and why I was looking at patterns and petting the so soft alpaca from Knit Picks I just got.... hmmm, but its only a little scarf.. wouldnt take that long to finish...
Posted by: Michelle at September 7, 2005 10:05 AM
You know I don't BELIEVE in this stuff, but you are always right on for me. Gives me the willies a little.
Posted by: Patti at September 7, 2005 10:35 AM
How do you KNOW these things?!?!?! It's eerie. I'm totally selling my creative Scorpio things this month. And I do have a good stockpile of coke cans. No marbles, though. I wonder if beads would work. I have a lot of beads.
Posted by: Tara at September 7, 2005 10:54 AM
That pisces horoscope is very good but just scratches the surface. i need to know WHAT HAPPENS NEXT and i need to know it NOW. as i sit here staring at the wall. because things at work have just changed drastically and i need to know if it's going to get better or worse. Can I pay you like $25 to tell me? Seriously?
Posted by: San Francisco Knitter at September 7, 2005 08:27 PM
Another fishy surprised at how accurate that is. The latest obsession however is exercise, so hopefully that'll make me sleep. It's not something that comes naturally for me though.
Posted by: monika at September 8, 2005 12:15 AM
