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September 5, 2005

Gangs of gun-toting women ... coming soon to a city near you!

Just a few things real quicklike on today, a Monday, possibly my first day not at work in weeks, and also ... I am going to really, finally Do It.

(It = laundry.)

Up 'til now I have been using the paleolithic method of laundry, where the heat and pressure from the top of the pile cleans the clothes at the bottom of the pile. No diamonds emerged, but the socks did band together and try to stage an insurrection.

Scary times here at Mount St. Washmore.

Then yesterday I broke hermitdom for a meeting of the Forces That Be -- Shannon, Karman and Jennifer came over to watch obsessive news coverage of the situation down south, drink beer in the middle of the day and formulate a disaster plan of our own.

Now, ya'll know that I'm a fan of disaster preparation (I have an earthquake kit of really startling proportions) and I have all these far-fetched plans about how to get me and the cats out of this city in a caravan of crazy cat ladies and fellow knitters should something bad go down.

But when the New Orleans situation became dangerous, and those folks down in three states were left without food or water or protection for five days, I started to think what would happen... what would really happen if some big catastrophe shook the Los Angeles area, which is pretty much teetering on lawlessness even on a good day.

Anyway, you can kind of see where this is going, with me and Shannon being the girliest of girly girls, and also possibly OCD and CRAZY, so here we are talking about owning GUNS and how we will be just like Brenda Lee Johnson from The Closer (I LOVE THAT SHOW, SHE TALKS JUST LIKE I DO) or that movie with Drew Barrymore where she plays the outlaw/hooker/cowgirl and none of us could remember if that movie had a happy ending, but we are sure it probably did.

And the irony is that here we have two lesbians, one southern fried divorcee and one Northern-Cali law student (who is opposed to the gun ownership issue, but agreed to take a gun safety class with us just in case) and we're going to be toting guns and forming a ... a gang, a militia of sorts, to protect our:

1. Cats
Which are NUMEROUS, since Shannon and Karman have 4 cats, I have 4 cats, and Jen has 2 cats. No math needed here. Us = one big herd of felines.

2. Yarn
NO PATONS UP COUNTRY WILL BE HARMED. BACK AWAY FROM THE YARN OR I WILL SHOOT.

3. Wine
See point #2, substitute "pinot noir" for "patons up country."

4. Dignity
Listen, no one is coming near this cookie without buying me a nice dinner and probably bringing me flowers. So I'll be damned if you're getting some just because we're having a natural disaster. BACK AWAY FROM THE COOCHIE OR SUFFER OUR WRATH.

So! Recap: If there's ever a disaster in Los Angeles, me and the girls will be holing up here at Chez Uterus with 10 cats, all the wine and water and chocolate one can store, and wearing our guns in hand-knitted holsters (of course mine will be felted as it is made of 100% wool Patons Up Country from my massive Yarn Survival Kit). We're still having an ongoing debate about whether or not cigs can go in the Disaster Readiness Supply Kit. But we will be armed, and dangerous, and willing to exercise our right to the second amendment and if ya'll don't believe us, we have a girl soon-to-be-lawyer here to INFORM YOUR ASS.

Because we! are prepared!

And maybe just a tee tiny bit CRAZY.

P.S. Also, when Did Anderson Cooper become SO HOT?

Posted by laurie at September 5, 2005 1:44 PM