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August 16, 2005
Wherein I tell a story. or two. Or, you know, THREE.
Story 1: The Back Story
There is traffic on Encino surface streets even at 6 a.m. I am not kidding ya'll. I never kid about traffic.
The main road I take leads directly to the freeway, so there's always a loooong line of cars waiting at the stoplight where I need to turn left.
And there is a left turn lane. You can SEE it. It's WAY up there. Empty. But you're in all these CARS, and they are keeping you from getting into the turn lane of your dreams.
And while it may be TECHNICALLY illegal, I find that it is most EXPEDIENT and also SMARTER to go ahead and get in the left-hand turn lane waaaay earlier than perhaps one should, if one were going by those lines painted on the road, and then you just pass all the stopped, backed-up traffic waiting to go through the light and onto the freeway.
And if I make this slight little change in driving patterns, which is LOGICAL and also SAFE, since there is a turn lane, sort of, and no one is in it, and every car on the road is going in the same direction I'm going, NOT that I am JUSTIFYING this because it does not NEED to be justified, as we are a nation of INDIVIDUALS, but anyway! So.
With this teeny, totally insignificant detour, I get to turn left earlier and it saves ten minutes off my morning commute to the bus stop, which is? By the way? Only 4 miles away*. Yet it takes me 17 minutes to get there. And if I worried about those silly yellow lines that sort of make it hard to drive in the long left-turn lane of my own making, it would be a 27-minute commute to the bus stop, which is FOUR MILES FROM HOME.
And REALLY. Unless I am riding a lawn mower, I can't possibly FATHOM spending 27 minutes of my life to drive four miles on surface streets. And, in an unrelated factoid, did ya'll know it is illegal to drive a riding mower while intoxicated? IT IS. And that is all I have to say about that. For now.
So! Morning traffic. Boring. Bus won't wait for my ass ... must turn left. I always peek behind me for the Law and then me and all the other Los Angeles drivers who ignore marked lanes and posted signs get into the turn lane about eleventeen miles before it is actually a legal turn lane.
This concludes our back story.
* I know what you're about to say. But walking back home in the dark in my hood? BAD idea.
Story 2: My Luck
On any given day there are two or three of us making the trek down Not-Quite-A-Turn Lane.
This morning, for example.
In front of me is a Toyota, and behind me is a big white SUV, one of those huge things that totally eclipse my bucket of a Jeep. And we drive up to the light and we turn left, and we rejoice in our ten minutes saved, and then.
Then... I see lights. The kind of lights that are most frequently seen when one is drunk driving a lawn mower to their cousin's house.
This is BAD.
And yet...
And WAIT.
And..?
And HOLY CRAPOLLI, HE IS PULLING OVER THE WHITE SUV AND I AM FREE. I JUST GOT AWAY WITHOUT A TICKET. I MUST STILL BE ASLEEP IN MY BED AT HOME AND I AM DREAMING THIS SHIT UP.
But no! Ya'll! I was AWAKE, and the law was bringing its full wrath to bear upon... someone who was NOT ME.
So you know. I almost pulled over and cried tears of happy joy. I say ... almost ... because I am not an idiot. I got the hell out of dodge just in case another one of those police cars was hiding in the bushes, and the law was communicating with each other, and they were sending out ghetto birds and squad cars to get the runaway Jeep.
Which they did not, and I did not get a ticket, and I will find a new route to the bus post haste, because I cannot afford a ticket, and I am never, ever one to press my luck. Even if it is good luck.
Totally Unrelated Story
While I do enjoy living in a real house where the cats can look outside at neighborhood cats who taunt them with their freedom, and their fleas, and I can grow a garden and so on and so forth, there are times when I long for the modern conveniences found in nice, up-to-date apartments.
For example, closet doors that work. And don't weigh 37 million pounds. And aren't covered in lead paint from 1942 and probably made entirely of pressed asbestos.
And I had the BRILLIANT idea to remove these doors and replace them with something that actually fuunctions. Yet removing them? Right. Looks easy! Sounds easy! But we're talking about doors who have lived on that closet for sixty-something years here, and they are NOT GOING WITHOUT A FIGHT.
And I had so much help:
But me and Frankie the Cat eventually got the doors off, by using a power tool and some swear words and a whisky sour and what I did not realize at the time was the power of LUCK. The GOOD kind.
So, in conclusion. This is what Roy has to say:
Or, conversely, my opinion:
Ya'll have a good day. Filled with LUCK! The good kind! And stay off your riding mower when intoxicated. Just a tip.
Posted by laurie at August 16, 2005 10:28 AM
Comments
Luck--good luck--so hard to come by, so hard to hold on to...hope those cats know what they have, and are willing to die defending you, and the good luck you bring them.
Love it that the big honking SUV got it instead of you. It's about time.
Posted by: Anmiryam at August 16, 2005 10:37 AM
That reminds me I need to clean the litter boxes when I get home.
I got caught by the law doing that = 3 points. My good luck showed up later when my fiancé appeared in court on my behalf and got me off. No idea how, but I am not one to question....
Posted by: Aimee the sis at August 16, 2005 10:57 AM
You're so silly. I was given a ticket once for that very thing, "Improper lane use." IMHO, I was properly using the lane to exit thank you very much!
Posted by: NolaPete at August 16, 2005 10:59 AM
Ah yes, The Luck. It alludes me ... the good kind that is. Unless, of course, you find that walking from one's car into a business (and please note .. that was INTO ... not OUT OF ..which would have meant "finished being there") in a city and getting pooped on by The Lone Pooper Bird is considered good luck. Cuz personally, not thinking so myself.
I mean, and what the hell are the ODDS!?! (*grabs up statisical calulator and starts punching numbers*). We're not talking setting up camp underneath a flock of seagulls. Just a quick walk ... quick ... from car to place of business ... in city ... no birds in sight ... and getting hit by The Poop. It's astronomical, I tell ya. See, the calculator agrees.
Sigh. Ah well. Enjoy The Luck. (*continues wiping The Poop off of shirt*)
Posted by: Kat at August 16, 2005 11:03 AM
Damnit! That's "eludes" ... "eludes"!!!
Sigh. See how it is with The Luck. I is collage edjucatd, I swears! ;)
Posted by: Kat at August 16, 2005 11:06 AM
Woohoo - Your Dad was right - Bad luck running out - Good Luck coming in!
BTW - You are right - it is illegal to ride a lwan mower down the rode whil intoxicated. I am ashamed to say that I have a friend who's father was pulled over for this very thing! He was riding his mower ot the convienence store to buy more beer!
Posted by: Crystal at August 16, 2005 11:09 AM
1. California Cops must hate White SUVs.
2. California turn-lane painters are on crack.
3. See! Your Dad was right. Your bad luck is already running out and the good luck is starting to dominate.
Take care :)
Posted by: Linda L. at August 16, 2005 11:11 AM
We had the same turning lane problem here in NJ, but it was on the way to the mall, opposite of the train station (hur? only NJ, I swear). They were actually smrt about it and *extended* it about a 1/4 mile!! It's beautiful! I should take pics and you can e-mail them to your town and say DUH!!!
Posted by: Lelah at August 16, 2005 11:13 AM
I am so with your about the left turn lane...I do it quite often. Glad you had some good luck for once with the whole police thing :)
Posted by: ck at August 16, 2005 11:22 AM
Oh my goodness, you *must* stop making me laugh so hard! I need to do WORK!
Posted by: Eva at August 16, 2005 11:30 AM
Hey, how did my closet doors get in your house?
Yay for Mercury getting out of retrograde!
W. :)
Posted by: Wendy at August 16, 2005 11:41 AM
Yay for you on the turn-lane luck! But, I'm curious, was there more, different luck for the closet door, or just luck that you were able to remove it?
And Sobo looks so innocent. Is she really such a terror?
Posted by: Mary at August 16, 2005 11:45 AM
The tide is turning, girlfriend. Things are going to go good for you!
Posted by: Carole at August 16, 2005 11:57 AM
Your dad said your luck was going to turn! Yay for daddies who know that of which they speak!
Posted by: Annette at August 16, 2005 11:57 AM
heh heh heh. I wasn't the only one thinking about how your dad was right. Maybe you've reached the turning point (ha ha ha -- bad pun).
Roy is a total babe. I always ask my cats how someone so cute can make something that smells so bad. I'm living in the House of Bladder Infection with Frances right now. Poor little girl. Two rounds of antibiotics and it still won't go away. :(
Posted by: cant_talk_knitting at August 16, 2005 12:06 PM
Oh god, thank you for your hilarious post! I'm PMSing up the yin yang today and this is the first thing to make me laugh all day. I adore your cat commentary and must get my many toed tabby to start participating with the home improvement now that I know that cats CAN operate power tools!
Posted by: Kathryn Remen-Wait at August 16, 2005 12:13 PM
I seem to remember an article about UPS doing some study where they found they save TONS of time and GAS by trying to drive routes with right turns as much as possible.
Posted by: Kim at August 16, 2005 01:10 PM
Everyone has allready said it but I'm glad your dad's sage words are proving to be truly fablously ture! Hurrah to the bad luck and the running out!
Posted by: Alma at August 16, 2005 01:14 PM
i think what you do is better then what Mommy does in vancouver for driving. There are NO LEFT TURNING LANES ANYWHERE IN THIS FRICKING CITY!! OR LEFT TURNING LIGHTS!!! As I am a chihuahua I am not nearly as upset by this as the person who may be typing for me at this time.
So if one person is turning left is backs up ALL THE TRAFFIC GOING STRAIGHT!!. You must have quick reflexes and swerve madly into the parking lane to get around them but if you do it too slowly you will be cut off by all others swerving and be stuck behing mr. left hand turner for the NEXT 1/2 an hour! It is unbearable. Occasionally mr left hand turner may not actually be stopped for left hand turn - it could be ohh lets' say a pedestrian but people are soooo used to swerving they swerve anyways. It is crazy. And now Mommy does it to. They also use this method to get around people who are driving too slowly. Pull into the parking lane then beat the slow driver through the lights and swerve back in before you hit the parked car on the otherside.
but this is a comment and not a blog entry so perhaps we should stop. Maybe I will ask Mommy to try and keep her opinions to herself and not add them to my comments...
Posted by: minou at August 16, 2005 02:22 PM
Not so much about the traffic topic as is about the poo...I'm not usually a big product endorser, but I have discovered the best kitty litter ever! http://www.petcarecentral.com/nm-05310.html
Flushable litter is the key to all happiness! I've only used 3/4 of the bag in 3 weeks, and that's with 3 cats, one of which can pee his own body weight daily!
Posted by: UglyGerbil at August 16, 2005 02:25 PM
Luck, schmuck!
Weren't you waiting on August 16th to arrive??? Wasn't it in the stars that your life would improve upon the arrival of the 16th so that mercury would retrograde or something???
Or maybe it was Elvis.... you know he died 28 years ago today. :) Peace out....
Did you mail the papers yet?
Posted by: jeri at August 16, 2005 02:38 PM
I'm so jealous that your tortie is so photogenic. My Katie has a really dark face with dark eyes, so she doesn't photograph well at all. And she has a scarred nose and a bent over ear, but she's still my adorable baaaaby.
Oh dear. Anyways, I live about 3 miles from the train station, and in the morning, it can take 15 minutes to get there and back. Go not during rush hour? It's like 5 minutes. Drives me nuts.
Posted by: Gail at August 16, 2005 02:52 PM
When I drive in Ottawa (Canada's capitol) which I have done for the past several years due to kids in school there, etc., I consistently make U-turns on Carling Ave., which is a major street parallelling the expressway, and the scene of many of my visits. This gets constant comments from my husband, who is usually the passenger. Yesterday, he went on streets and trips or some such getting-here-from-there site to find our daughter's new apartment in the city, and he said that I had finally corrupted Bill Gates, or whoever, because the driving directions said, "make a U-turn at Carling Ave. and proceed west". Hah!
Donna in Ontario (not Ottawa), Canada
Posted by: Donna at August 16, 2005 04:19 PM
I had that same closet with cabinets above in the little beach bungalow we used to rent in Venice. Such a small closet for 2 people, that's all I have to say about that. Frankie is so talented and cute! I like power tools too.
Hooray for the good luck! Here's to holding onto it. And yes, loooong left turn lanes and left turn arrows are far too sparse in LA.
Posted by: shananigans at August 16, 2005 04:28 PM
Do Soba's eyes ALWAYS look like that? Yeeks.
Posted by: Patti at August 16, 2005 04:32 PM
Good For You!!!! You are so lucky....I was once pulled over with 2 other folks at the same time. I had a feeling the cop was proud of his "multi-tasking" :)
Your sweet Roy & my malicious cat Brian could probably go head to head in the Worlds Largest category.....but that would just be sick huh?
Posted by: Miss Mantoan at August 16, 2005 05:06 PM
I am confused.....You drive your Jeep to get to the bus??? Can't you take a bus to the bus or even...gasp...DRIVE all the way to work?? Whats with mixing modes of transportation? Thats just sick.
Posted by: haji-o-matic at August 17, 2005 02:14 AM
Well, I guess the lawn isn't getting mowed today!!!
Posted by: chris at August 17, 2005 05:00 AM
Ah, I remember Valley traffic. I'm actually a fellow Encino girl here (well, Encino/Van Nuys border.. what they now call 'Lake Balboa'). Long time reader, first time commenting. I know off that not-so-left- left turn paint you speak of, and I gotta tell ya... EVERYONE I know does what you do. Some have been caught, others have the luck.
I could actually probably tell you a shortcut.. but you know, it's still the Valley so you'll still be stuck in traffic. Ah, driving in LA, it's a character building thing, I think.
Posted by: Yoli at August 17, 2005 06:40 AM
YAY! Great to hear such luck is coming your way- day-am it's about time eh!? So what's going on the new closet? I just did the same thing and put up a tension rod and a curtain - because I am lazy.. :-) Here's hoping your luck continues to be fab!
Posted by: gaile at August 17, 2005 08:32 AM
Just want to say - after having to give up my beautiful 1930's duplex and move into a skanky 1980's apartment - AT LEAST YOU HAVE CLOSETS!!!!
As for missing the ticket, that's your good karma. You're keeping us all in *stitches* with your blog. That's gotta be worth like a bazillion good karma points!
-D.
Posted by: D at August 17, 2005 05:29 PM
It is after August 15, correct? I think there is some month-long luck thing going on for us Cancers.
I just love Roy. He is such a dude...
Posted by: Shelly at August 17, 2005 07:15 PM
Sobakowa needs to hire a PR agency.
Posted by: Anonymous at August 18, 2005 03:57 AM
Ooops. The Sobakowa comment was from me.
Posted by: Martigny at August 18, 2005 03:59 AM
I try to explain to other drivers everyday from the driver's seat of my SUV that running over those yellow lines to get in the turn lane will not cause their vehicles to explode upon contact (with said lines), but very few around here listen to me. Could be why they call Missouri the "Show Me" state. So I keep showing them. Hopefully this "individualist" thing will catch on and all of us will be able to reach our destinations of choice sooner.
Posted by: Jennifer at August 22, 2005 06:04 AM
see, i'm totally behind. tuesday i had my car parked at a meter with enough money in it for an hour -- AND THEN I FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT.
5 hours later i remember ... and i run out expecting to see a big ass ticket on the windshield...and see ... NOTHING. no ticket!!! and 4 hours of free ass parking.
i need to remember these moments when life shits on my parade.
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Posted by: Gabriel Baumann at December 6, 2005 06:14 PM
