I was woken up today by the city shredding a downed tree branch that had landed in my yard, two weeks ago, from a city tree.

Nothing like a loud noise to get you up and moving with a BIG smile on your face. Grrr.

Shit-on-a-stick...I am *so* going to use that.

hee - you should print out this post and put it on their windshield (at say, 3:30 AM), so that the resulting alarm would only reinforce the note!

You totally crack me up! I always think these things but never can get them out in such an eloquent way! Maybe if you put some cat poop on the car at 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning and wake them up, they may reconsider the alarm thing!

hehe. Ah yes, the freeway shootings. I grew up in LA (the *other* valley (shhhh)) and even though I've lived in beautiful Portland OR for the last 10 years or so .. you carry that "MYOB or you'll get shot" with ya. Kinda sad, really.

Portland is a different world. Folks up here are all "that's the bad area of town". I'm all .... "uh HELLO ... I used to have to drive in Inglewood at night after leaving concerts at The Forum! ... there ARE no *bad* areas in Portland". Light weights.

Err, but I digressed. Sorry. Portland does have the Car Thievery and Car Alarm Ignoring issues though.

Yeah, I hear ya, Sistah! What about those people that beep their alarms off about FOUR EFFING TIMES when they're getting into their cars! BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! I've certainly had it! If you (or some of your e-admirers) come up with a solution, please let me know!

Ellen, you have just solved a big problem for me!!! I never thought of saying EFFING for the F word, which I sort of hate to use on this internets with my parents watching and all. Now I can say EFFING!!!!

I love you.

I hate those car alarms! I once put a large note on a particularly annoying car: "Please steal this car. The neighbors would appreciate it." It worked. Either the car got stolen or the dumbass owner finally got it and turned off the alarm.

I'm thinking you need to start setting their car alarm off at all times of the night when you're already up anyway. In a stelth manner...so that the whole neighbor finally has HAD it with these neighbor's stupidity. Why should your stupid neighbors with the stupid alarm sleep when you aren't? Sling-shot pepples or something. I hate stupid neighbors. Can't spell, brain dead.

nobody in my neighborhood really bothers with car alarms. but we do have plenty of barking malicious "guard dogs."

because lord knows, someone might be tempted to steal the moldy couches and busted out tvs from your lawn.

My Saturn's remote lock used to set off car alarms. hehheeehehhe

I NEVER did it on PURPOSE.

but it was fun to find out another car I was "wired into". Hey.. at the time, I lived in a VERY small town.

About the same size as Comfort, in fact.

Many years ago (maybe 10?), Michael Moore had a fake news show called "TV Nation" (also one called "The Awful Truth"). My favorite episode included this stunt: he set off the alarms of 10 cars in front of the home of the CEO of a car alarm company at 6 in the morning. Say what you will about Michael Moore, *that* was divine justice!

Yet another great theory!

Hey it's also pretty funny to see if your garage door opener will open someone elses garage. (I live in a small time...we have to find ways to entertain ourselves)

When you're done beating your neighbour's car into submission, may I please borrow your club. I would like to use it for my neighbour across the hall who cannot play guitar but yet insists on trying. And for the neighbour upstairs who is 40 years old, yet clearly plays with marbles on his hardwood floors.

OH, and the guys who come collect the trash bins. Are they seriously trying to tell me that 6:30 on SUNDAY morning is the only time they can drag those noisy-ass tin things across the alley? And why the HELL does it take them an hour to do it? IT'S TEN FUCKING FEET!

Sorry. Can you tell the marble man woke me up at 5:00 this morning?

i second the note thing. i left a note on someones car just yesterday and it felt good. i wasnt nasty, didnt use foul language, i just stated the facts. very cathartict.

I was lucky enough to hear a car alarm serenade 4 times throughout the middle of the night saturday. Match that with my psycho-neighbor's howling dog and you have a glimpse into my own personal little hell. I know it's a crime to shoot a dog, but how about a car?

Oh, girl, I know what you mean. Wisconsinites are just as stupid. And don't you love how most people will buy the cheapest car alarm possible? Like the ones on the cars in France when I studied there. Anything would set them off. A branch falling... on the car three slots down. A squirrel farting. ANYTHING.
I like Lygia's idea of the cat poop along with Kim's slingshot idea. Catapult some kitty doo-doo at their car at 3:30 am. Hey, it's biodegradable, right?

Lol! I had a neighbor who's alarm would go off if you breathed in a concrete bunker 4 blocks away. The neighbor across the street kindly, "accidently" backed into the Alarm Car one day. Never heard that alarm again.

I also had the neighbor next door's roommate's truck alarm go off at 3 AM one night. Took that stupid girl 20 minutes to get out of the house. And when she finally came running out...she was clad only in a hand towel and a thong...and laughing. I think we were all too stunned by the flying mammary glands to go out and beat her senseless for being such an idiot.

Um...so what was the question?

You can also say "frak" like on BSG.

Good to hear you so upbeat and sassy this fine monday morning. :)

Leave a note -- or even better, distribute copies in other neighbor's boxes asking them to help you leaflet annoying car neighbor for the next week or so. Power in numbers.

My neighborhood has some guy who rides around on what is essentially a lawnmower motor strapped to a skateboard. It whines like hell, and you can tell from the noise that he's often just riding it in loop-de-loops rather than as an actual means of transportation (saving gas and the environment and all because that's how they do it here in berkeley -- get a freaking bike!!)

When Julie's done with the club, I want it for the guy who mows his lawn outside my window at 5:30 a.m.

I also could have used it for the carpoolers who waited outside my old apartment in Utah honking and honking and honking until you wanted to tear your hair out every morning at 7:00. I don't even care that I'm already awake. Honking is not a pleasant noise ever, and certainly not before 10:00, which is the civilized hour to start the morning.

Stupid people are everywhere.

You could also use 'feck' and 'fecking'.

Lol! We used to leave notes on cars in the parking lot with the message, "I'm so sorry I ran into your car, but I took your license number and I'll get in touch". It was far too much fun to watch them walk around the car for thirty minutes trying to find out where you dented them (cheap thrills?!) You could try a note like that-"So sorry I'm going to have to steal this piece of shit, but that damn alarm!" I'm just sayin'!
Oh, and no car alarms here-just fastidious (anal rententive?) neighbors from hell that mow their lawns at 5 freeking AM on Saturdays....gad!

This post is awesome. I think I'm going to link to it direct even if your blog is on Timeline since July 29th. Great!

Lucky

Didn't a dude in the L.A. area recently get busted for popping four caps in his neighbor's car's overactive alarming @ss?

A friend of mine from Michigan says "Holy Ess!" And it really is her version of swearing and is produced during moments of sincere surprise. I find it so cute I want to stick her in a snowglobe and keep her on my desk. Maybe just a piece of her little finger...
don't worry, I'm kidding. plus, she moved back to Michigan.

"even if your blog is on Timeline" since July 29? what does that mean? what? someone help me. please.

Oh. heh heh. I went to your site. mystery solved. whoops1

except... ya'll. people keep posting on the july 28 entry for me to "come back." I am so confused. send wine.

I LOVE it! I think we must be neighbors because I also live near the dumas family *smile* I just got a new car recently and for all of the reasons you listed above, I decide not to waste the money on an alarm and just got a remote entry system instead, LOL

When I lived in San Jose, my stupid neighbor's stupid car alarm used to go off EVERY NIGHT at 2am. Not the single beep one, but the one that changes noise patterns. Sometimes multiple cars would go off, and nobody ever stopped them. Every night, alarms sounding. For hours. Upon hours. My bedroom window faced the parking lot. I was so glad when I moved.

I feel your pain. I hate those flippin' things.

Glad to see the hermit thing is working for ya.

And here in Vermit, we say "frickin" pronounced "FRCK-n" (mumbling over the vowels, stressing the first syllable). So now you can sound all New England-like and stuff.

I say you let Soba administer a Chairman-style beatdown on them.

Hell ya! I mean, I swear those dumbass people across from you must have relatives that visit my neighborhood on the weekends. Because every freakin' Saturday and Sunday their damned alarm goes off for like 30 seconds before they stop it and get in their damned car. What the hell? Just as you mentioned, if you set your alarm the night before, um, it's still on in the morning, dumbshit! Grrrr...

My neighbors car alarm is set to go off when dew settles :(

I know you heard about the man who shot his neighbor's car to stop the alarm, right?

http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/features/strangenews/wabc_081105_strangenews_caralarm.html

Personally, I think the guy should have been commended, not arrested, but that's just me.

So.. what does one do when buying a new car? They all come with alarms. They come with alarms that are more automated than ever.. They set themselves.. WHAT is one to do THEN huh?

Can you tell the dealership to take it out? They would look at you like you were NUTS. Plus then you'd lose that nifty remote that unlocks and locks the doors.

They are totally worthless.. but I just can't help but think that the problem isn't going away anytime soon.

What are your views on guard dogs?

Your entry got me all riled up in a funny sorta way.. but now I'll stop rambling on your blog : )

Hey Laurie! We have AnnoyingFreakinCarAlarmGimmieagunGuy in our neighborhood too. If it is a gorgeous and quiet day, and all is well in the world you better believe the freakin' alarm will go off and continue to go off for at least half an hour. What's funny is stepping out to the balcony we actually see a lot of our neighbors standing on theirs shaking their fists as well.

Timeline is Mr. Zib's blog, he doesn't normally read knit blogs but yours (As we can all agree isn't the average knitblog now is it) he digs. He tells me the guys at the command post love ya too (:

You crack me up!

Honestly, I love your blog and evvvvery morning when I come into work I check to see if there's a new post. Crazy, yes.

But seriously, are you associating tattooed people with criminals? Cuz, ya know, that's not nice. The old guys I work with do that. They think only criminals and thugs and strippers are tattooed. What about all of us normal tattooed folk? I'm as normal as can be, seriously. I'm not about to steal a car.

(but mine is a piece of crap, anyone want to steal mine??? There's no alarm!!!)

What's even worse than the alarms are the poeple that honk their horns early in the morning. Over and over and over. They're too lazy to get out of their car and go knock, of course. It bugs me even if I'm already awake.

Print this post, leave it on their car (you'll probably set off the alarm while doing this, so be sure that it is at a time of night that works for you...) and let the chips fall...either they will get it or they won't. Either way, you'll feel better. Maybe you can get everyone in the neighborhood to sign it, just for good measure.

Too funny- hey! I saw your piece for Annie's book on her site. Nice work! (We're twins, I'm in it too!)

People with car alarms - SHOT ON SIGHT.

People who drive and talk on cell phones - SHOT ON SIGHT.

Ex-wives/husbands (apply accordingly) - SHOT ON SIGHT JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.

Have a nice day.

Where we live (outside of NYC - okay, 4 blocks outside of Newark) there were more car thefts in the late 80's than any other town in the US. Car alarms abounded. No help whatsoever.

There's a law that if an alarm goes for more than 3 minutes the car owner can be fined, and our police actually ENFORCE this. What a concept.

Having said that, we live in between the neighbor who mows at 5:00 (with her hair in rollers - but we love her so much!) and the neighbors with THREE SUV's - all with alarms which go off when the dogs (also 3) pass gas.

One of the reasons we moved here from Brooklyn was that Hannah's first words threatened to be, "WEE-oh, WEE-oh, WEE-oh, WEE-oh, Ahnn-EEE, Ahnn-EEE, Ahnn-EEE, Ahnn-EEE, bip, bip, bip, bip, WY-OH, WY-OH, WY-OH, WY-OH, BLAHN, BLAHN, BLAHN, BLAHN" repeat until deaf.

It's absurd - and highly amusing - when your 11 month old sings along to the car alarms on Flatbush Ave.

2 cool things:

1. I'm actually finally REMEMBERED by your blog!
2. My post is my age!

The guys who own the brothel next door to me have clients that continuously set the alarm (beep beep) when the arrive around 2:30 (after bars close) and then come back out to the car (beep beep) for forgotten items, then reset the alarm (beep beep) and so on until dawn. We have young kids who deprive of us sleep enough as it is. We don't need the Cabana Boy Choir beep beeping us awake every 20 mins from 2 until dawn, too.

The funny thing is that we don't even lock our cars in the driveway. So all this compulsive locking and alarm setting strikes us as especially ridiculous.

I've actually called the cops because someone's car alarm had been going off for over an hour. They will tow it if it's been going off long enough. Currently the bane of sleep is my neighbor's "yappy Chihuahua what snaps at people", who wakes me up about 60% of weekend mornings. It takes a lot for me to hate a dog, A LOT!~

I used to know one of those when I lived on the UBC campus. There were also the tour busses that would idle across from my window *all* night... and those things aren't terribly quiet.

My neighbor across the street Works for an Alarm Company. His own house alarm goes off every freaking weekend morning, when the residents of his very own house open the door (every freaking weekend morning) without remembering that they have an alarm - did I mention he works for an alarm company? They've lived there for YEARS. The place has been wired for years. Whoopwhoopwhoop.... But like you, I'm up so early I am usually drinking coffee and just mutter, "Oh, A's up...."

On a sort-of-unrelated-but-related note, someone once left a nasty note on my boyfriends car when we left it parked (LEGALLY I may add). on what I presume was their street for about 4 days while we were out of town. It said something to the effect of “if you don’t live here you shouldn’t park your car for days on end without moving it or we’ll get together and petition for zoned parking and I’m sure no one wants it to come to that…blah blah blah) What kills me is that our house was about 4 blocks closer to the beach where the street parking is even worse, which is why we routinely parked 4 or 5 blocks from our house. Needless to say this note inspired little sympathy and much annoyance. It was typewritten so I imagine it was for mass distribution for anyone who dared park on “their” precious street. I hope s/he set off a bunch of car alarms while distributing the notes and made people yell at them. Parking/driving/car ownership in LA is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever encountered in my life.

Sometime last summer, I was standing out in front of a friends house talking, when we heard a car alarm go off and getting louder. Seconds later, the car passed us! With the alarm blaring! I wouldn't be surprised if it was being stolen.

However, a few years ago my current car, The Bucket, was stolen. We recovered it a couple blocks away, hidden in an alley behind someone's house. That same day I got a car alarm installed (which is funny cause the car is only worth $500 max). Late that night, the alarm went off - I wouldn't be surprised if the thieves came back and tried to take it again. I'm sure this is the only time the car alarm has come in handy.

Congrats on that sleeping issue.
Shitonastick ya'll write the funniest thangs