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August 15, 2005

Don't be an alarmist.

I love my neighborhood, I truly do. Even though there's a burned-out crackhouse a few doors away and I live so far out in the Valley you lose coolness points with every mile up the 101, and even though it's a sweltering inferno all summer long ... I love it.

But. The people? The ones across the street? Who cannot remember EACH AND EVERY DAY that they have set the alarm on their car? Those people? The ones who set it off each and every weekend morning?

Yeah. They can move now. Anytime! Really. Bye, ya'll! Nice knowing you. Now GO, please?

And it's not like I sleep in until noon every weekend. I'm UP at 5:15 a.m. Because I have challenges, OK? (Actually, I have this new thing I'm doing which is really helping with the insomnia. I have tricked myself, see? I go to bed at a decent hour now, because I am tired when I get home from work. TIRED. But I can't seem to stay asleep very long. However, if I go to bed early and wake up at 3:30 or 4 a.m., I feel like I have slept a full night because I was in bed, not wandering the house until dawn like a ghost. And when you get up early, you feel more like an early riser and less like a freak of nature. It's working. Mostly.)

So, yes, I'm awake anyway. But shitonastick, people, I don't want to hear you repeatedly setting off your own damn car alarm every morning. Furthermore, I'm sure they do this on weekdays as well, but I leave my house before they have the chance to piss me off, Monday-Friday.

So, OBVIOUSLY, I developed a theory about this.


If you live in Los Angeles (and other major metropolitan areas, I suspect) you should be punished by public shackling for having a car alarm.

Significant Reason #1: Any little thing can set them off, from a loud motorcycle to a siren. This is called False Alarm Syndrome. Ya'll don't need to be math brainiacs to see, statistically speaking, this isn't the world's greatest return on your theft deterrent investment if your own damn car is crying wolf.

Significant Reason #2: I have yet to see anybody forewarned that thugs are stealing their car because the alarm is sounding (see Significant Reason #1) And ya'll are talking to someone who has actually had their own car stolen. Yes, the WHOLE ENTIRE CAR. Gone. Poof! Alarm? Did not help.

Significant Reason #3: You, car-alarm-owner, set it off more than anything else, when you forget that you "armed" the car, and you reach to open it without "disarming" it. Dumbass alert! "I have just set off my own car alarm again!" (See above-referenced neighbors, The Family Dumas.)

Significant Reason #4: The guys who steal cars? Surprise! They know where the Secret OFF switch is as well. Funny how that works.

Significant Reason #5: We're so used to hearing car alarms set off by idiot car owners and loud mufflers that we never suspect a car is being stolen. Frankly, that's usually the last explanation for a shrieking alarm.

Significant Reason #6: IF someone WERE stealing your car, nobody in L.A. would do jackshit about it. Honestly, we're dodging bullets on the FREEWAYS, people. No way in HELL would anyone here stage an intervention for someone else's car. Seriously.

Significant Reason #7: Even if there was someone in your car, sawing of the steering wheel to get The Club off while the alarm was blaring, would YOU stage an intervention on your own car? In Los Angeles? You would walk up to a tatted out banger and demand he get out of your car?

YEAH. I would like to see that.

Significant Reason #8: Hearing your alarm rattle my head at 6 a.m. incites me to violence, whereupon I feel like going to my car, getting out my Club, walking to your beeping honking piece of crap car and beating it into submission.

I'm just saying is all.

Posted by laurie at August 15, 2005 11:14 AM