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August 3, 2005

August Hor-o-scopes, better late than never!

So, hi! Working! Lots of it! All the time, working and working. Tick tock, eight business days until this thing launches ... and everything keeps breaking. Seriously.

Word has gotten around the office. Like, people have started slowly backing away from me and protecting their valuable cell phones and PDAs from my miraculous powers of BREAKING SHIT. I am the Anti-Tech! Behold my power of ZAP! The hard drive? What hard drive? Oh you mean the broken one? AHAHAHA behold my evil laugh! I am the Anti-Tech!

Not that I would ever discuss WORK or anything -- other than to talk about how much I love my job and practically want to hump my own chair I'm so excited to be an employee and all -- but anyway, if I did talk about work, hypothetically? I would tell ya'll that if just ONE DAY I could come in to work and get 50% of the equipment to function properly, I would... well, well... yes. I would probably hump my own chair. Just 50% of shit working! Would be progress!

Also, since I am NOT talking about work on the Internets, I must tell you that I. Am. So. Tired. Need a vacation. With someone named Man Slave who brings me food, worships my voluptuousness, insists that I have more wine, and of course humps my chair. If you know what I mean. And I believe you do.

So, that is why the moon and stars are late. I know knitters need their astrology. I KNOW. I wanted to give it to you on time... but... did I mention? All the broken things? Like hard drives and motherboards and plasma screens that cost more than my entire car? Broken! Love ya'll! Need a vacation!

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
I don't know how to sugarcoat this, so ...um. Saturn? That big planet that hated me for two years? Totally getting into your love live. Yup! Hi! Sorry! Weird relationship stuff this month. (Listen, I am tahred and need sleep, that's the best I can do.) (Also, don't shoot the messenger!) Oh, and this month? You're trying new things left and right, so be careful of indulging your rebellious side by doing things you really couldn't give a shit about. Now. Want to come fix some stuff at my office? Please?


PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
There's something in the water. Oh, it's you Pisces. You've been so quiet lately I almost forgot you were there! So busy. The thing is, I'm over here throwing a hissy because my job is eating me, and yet you? You are working harder than any other sign and not complaining a bit. Also, you're like... organized. And kind of on top of things. And I'm starting to get jealous. So, uh, just keep on keepin' on. P.S. If you get bored, I have some purchase orders I still haven't filled out for some replacement equipment... I'm JUST SAYING is all....


ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Ok, listen. My soon-to-be-ex-husband? An Aries. So I kind of want to just skip Aries all the time. But I do NOT skip you, because I am deeply sensitive to the amount of hateful email that might generate. So. Aside from Mr. X, who will NEVER have a good forecast, August looks good for Aries. Begin the rest of your life today. Right now. If you wait ... you will procrastinate. You're like a Tom Jones concert, in full pelvic thrust, and you really, really don't have to be beautiful to be my girl. I just want your extra time and your kiss. Except for Mr. X. Who is evil and should be destroyed. That's all I have to say about that.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Have you ever had an ice-cream headache? Or had a massive toothache from chewing on a Rolo? Well, that's your month in a nutshell! Bye!

Ok, yeah there's more. August: Sometimes sweet, sometimes painful. The upside is that something you thought was sweet -- and later gave you a headache -- only gave you fits because it was ALL WRONG for you. Also, this whole food metaphor? It's all about your house. Living situations, property, moving, owning, buying something, I DON'T KNOW, I'm not psychic! But something will go wrong because it wasn't a good fit for you. And now all I can think about is ice cream. Thanks. Really. Stuck at work and got no ice cream. THANKS A LOT TAURUS.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Take pictures this month. Record everything you do for posterity. I'm tired of hearing you say you can't believe the summer is over, the holidays will be here before we know it, blah blah blah. You have so much energy sometimes I fear you'll run yourself ragged, so slow down long enough to take one really great photo a day. You're so lucky. I want to be a Gemini. Your August looks so fun! So much activity! Share? Please? I'm right next door in Cancer....


CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Cancers will work a lot, and stuff they cannot even pronounce will spontaneously break and also, they will want to eat ice cream.

Oh. That was me. Whoops!

Being a Crab, I find it hardest to dish on my crustacean family. But let me tell you this: get your ass off the couch and start making a budget. Money is the word of the day, the month, and the next two years, so the sooner you take the buck by the horns, the sooner you'll be out of debt and flush like the cash whore you dream of being. Also, let's do a Crab experiment this month: For one 24-hour period, don't take shit off anyone. Then wash, rinse and repeat for the next day and the next....

Oh. And um, is it just me? Or are ya;ll breaking stuff, too? With your mere magnetic presence? I'm just curious. Ahem.


LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I know you think you are the only self-centered one in the world, and you also feel a twinge of guilt about it, but darn it, the world does revolve around you! Start making lists this month. If you don't write down all your fabulous ideas, how will we ever be able to applaud them? And buy a nice notebook to write in, it will make you feel more in control. Saturn is in your house for two good years, and Saturn likes you better than it did Cancers, because you won't cry so much as ponder. Best to write it all down from the very beginning. Which is now. In case you didn't get the hint.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I am so happy I have ya'll to keep the house tidy. Thank you for folding the laundry, thank you for putting away the dishes, thank you for arranging my canned goods in the cupboard. But what about you? What have you done for yourself lately? Forget about dusting the goldfish. You might think we will disrespect you, but we really want you to be selfish for a change. This is a good month for lolling around contemplating your navel; Mercury is in retrograde and ya'll are all Mercury people, you Virgos. Think big thoughts, do a little bit of nothing, carve out time to be alone. Loll. It's important.


LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Well, it's August. All these other signs are so energetic. But ya'll, Libra is TIRED. Almost as tired as me and all the breaking technology. You've been working your ass off, too, and yet, look! Baby still got back! Rather than hibernate, start looking for balance in all the wrong places. You'll want to take a vacation ... but at the same time all these new happy social events will call your little Libra name. Go! Do! Be happy! I'll be over here in the Cancer corner dreaming of vacations for us both. And, also, probably breaking the Internts. You go have fun! Mwah!


SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You electric Scorps are in rare form, and everyone is bowing down to the greatness that is YOU. Have pity on the small people this month, or else you'll find yourself all alone and friendless with no one to love you. Actually, that last part isn't true, I just made it up. You'll always have friends. You sexy damn Scorpios! You really are gonna shine up this August. I wish I were a Scorpio this month. I'd be sexy at work, too, instead of The Girl Who Cannot Use The Phone Because She May Break It. Something is going very right at work for you, or is it a new job? I can't tell. I'm kind of lazy and half-ass hurried this month. But you! On fire!


SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
When I was a little girl, my mother gave me only one piece of advice. "Keep your panties on." It's advice you'd be wise to follow this month, since you've been taking off your panties left and right, whoring yourself out at your job, for your family, for your friends, for people you barely know. And yet you haven't had one good shudder for all your trouble. You're a kind soul. Keep your panties on. I love you. But the panties? Seriously. Keep them on.


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
It must be really hard to be so pragmatic. I like that you never seem to need overdraft protection, but I sure wish you'd remember your dreams in the mornings....

Ok, that's what I started writing.

But whatever, ya'll, I mean yeah, sure I'd like you to be more dreamy and shit, but let's be honest. My two best friends are Cappies and THANK GOD. They help me with all the stuff I suck at, like managing money and setting up the logistics of my life, and that is a beautiful thing. Also, the logistics of life will happen a lot this August for Caps. (Or Corns? What do you think?) Thank you for not getting mad at me when I forget how to add. I love ya'll Cappy Corns.


Posted by laurie at August 3, 2005 5:01 PM