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July 8, 2005

Stitch 'n Bitch 'n Ugly Ugly Knitting

Here is a partial list of things that always make me happy, in no particular order:

  • french fries
  • getting a great parking spot
  • Roy snuggles in the morning
  • that really stupid song "Afternoon Delight"
  • doing the white-girl-with-no-rhythm cabbage patch dance
  • Stitch 'n Bitch!!

Stitch 'n Bitch is a happy place. There's food and drink and yarn and nice people who try to assure you that even though you are making THE WORLD'S UGLIEST HAND-KNITTED OBJECT EVER, you're... original! creative! and... cats are colorblind! So don't worry, they'll LOVE it!


Yes, it is the return of the Ugly Mystery Knitted Cat Thingamajig.

(Also, very important note to everyone from SNB that I tried to explain the project to? Please keep it a mystery. That's the ONLY thing this project has going for it. Mystery. Intrigue. Gnomes. 'Cause ya'll know it is butt-ugly and ginormous and made of Lion Brand chunky wool ease NEED I SAY MORE?)

Hi! So, Stitch 'n Bitch. Fun! Lots of people, and I got a hat! Ellen finally started a blog and I got to make her a banner for it, and in return she made me an amazing cute bucket hat (I got to choose from four different hats!) and personally, I think I got the better end of the deal because this hat is so damn cute!

Ellen and me with my amazing hat; Dita looks so cute in everything; Shannita gets camo on us!

What's crazytalk is that Ellen crocheted all those hats in four days. I'm bad at the maths, but I'm pretty sure that's a hat a day, people. I really have to get busy learning crochet, it's so fast and pretty. Unfortunately I am fully commited to finishing the Ugly Mystery and nothing will deter me. Apparently I am now treating my knitting like I do relationships: You may be completely WRONG but DAMMIT, I will FINISH what I STARTED. (Also, you may think I need serious therapy, but compared to what ya'll will see later in this very story, I will seem less crazy by the minute. Keep reading. IT GETS BETTER.)

But before the crazy, we have photos!
(Click on any thumbnail for bigger pics) (I tried to make them small since I am posting eleventeen hundred pictures.)

From L-R: It's Jennifer and Penny, the Knitting Sisters; and because I never stop with the camera; wait! there's more ... it's Gwen-Jen-Pen knitting, the alliteration knitters; Gwen LOVES tiny dpns, can't you tell?

L-R: Abby was a first time SNBer and she made this HOT shrug from loop-d-loop, so cute! Carla the supermodel knitter; This is where Denise says, "Laurie, please stop with the camera!" A group shot of all the folks.

L-R: Jeffrey is so cute you want to hug him, but I didn't because of the whole restraining order thing; Ya'll, meet Julie! She is the editor of the online crochet magazine called Crochet Me and she was just in town visiting because she's famous and doing a TV show, and she made the cutest pink crochet flower purse with a tee-tiny, matching flower change purse (here's a link to the pattern). Maybe if I learn to crochet I can make one of these and replace my haute couture ziploc change purse.

L-R: More group shots; Kathy models one of Ellen's amazing crochet hats; Kim tries to hide from crazy camera lady; Karyn and Darcy a stitchin' and a' bitchin' as it should be.

L-R: Tami made THE cutest hand puppet ever! Mary-Heather and I sort of took ownership of said hand puppet for a photo op (hey, ya'll, sorry for the comment I made about cameltoe, you know how I am, I have a sickness or something); Phyllis is making a super-cool knitted tie with teetiny little toothpick needles; Sara has contracted a case of the Seraphina Fever.

L-R: Sara and Julie get accosted by crazy camera lady; Shannita models the sleeve of her beautimous green sweater; Faith learned how ribbing creates pleasure from Mary-Heather; Lori smiles for crazy lady!

So that was the fun and happiness of Stitch 'n Bitch in which I sweated a little, brought The Ugly Thing, fondled Faith's yarn, made a totally normal conversation into The Time She Said Cameltoe, and only mentioned porn once. Yet I feel totally normal. Would you care to know why?

Tami pointed something out to me last night. Something I had never before seen, and hope to God I never see again, because ya'll, it was unnatural. Tami and Lori spotted these two people, a guy and a girl obviously out on a date at the Farmer's Market, and these were two young, attractive people. Who appeared to have all their faculties about them. And the woman WAS FEEDING THE MAN his dinner. Not the sexy feed-you-a-strawberry kind of thing, I mean she was holding his chin like you would a baby and practically doing "here comes the airplane spoon!" And she was wiping his mouth. AND CUTTING HIS FOOD for him. And they were on a DATE.

And at some point the man noticed that perhaps this big table of women across the room was WATCHING this display of emasculation, and I guess he got mad at his girlfriend who was treating him like a TWO YEAR OLD and then he pouted.


I am not lying. And of course I have no class so I took pictures of the whole thing. Because they were in public and what you do in public may or may not be forever enshrined on the Internets:


Kind of makes you want to hide inside your ugly knitting.


Posted by laurie at July 8, 2005 12:32 PM