I want to be the first to post a comment!

So, what if you don't, um, use condiments much? Like not more than once or twice a month? Does that make you a weirdo? A woman-without-a-condiment-country?

Hmmm...what about salsa? Did you know it is now the number one condiment in the U.S.? (according to Seinfeld, at least, which as everyone knows is totally reliable!)

Too bad you didn't call, you could have experienced heavy rains, thunder, lightening and lots of flooding with me.

Your observations on condiments is interesting. What do you think about someone (no names mentioned) that likes peanut butter, bologna, lettuce and mayo sandwiches? Not that I know any dudes, er, people that would eat that kind of sandwich. I'm just saying.

Hushpuppies!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, I like Horsey sauce on french fries...(from Arby's)

I happen to be a ketchup/catsup person. Of course since I live very near the world's largest catsup bottle, it's an obvious choice for me. See http://www.catsupbottle.com/.

ok, so what if I like to mix my ketchup with equal parts of mayo and just a dash of yellow mustard and THEN dip my corndog?

What if you like all condiments? I live for condiments and will continue to eat something I'm not that crazy about just because I love the dip/condiment/dressing that goes with it.

Although, essentially, I am a mustard person. I do NOT know how anyone can eat a corn dog or hot dog with ketchup.

I love that you choose to have these Very Important debates/conversations on your blog. These are the kind of in-depth conversations my sister and I have all the time. For hours. Like the one about what food can you NOT live without. (French fries...BTW.)

Mmmm...how about mayo on french fries?...mmm...

Ps. In high school we had a French exchange student living with us...she thought Americans were condiment crazy. Could not believe all the stuff we put on our food.

Salsa is a food group ya'll. Tis not a condiment. Those a just crazy words. Like saying cheese is an additive or something... cheese is a food group as well, popcorn too.

I? am a condiment person. I love ketchup, mustard (cute little seeds) and mayo.

Co-workers and I were having a conversation about this very thing today! There were 2 mustards (myself included) and a ketchup. All 3 of us despise mayo.

Corndogs should always be dipped in mustard. Yum! I wish I had a corndog right now.

Love your blog - I stalk you every day. :-) I hope the work load gets better!

Melanie

A mayo girl here! And I also work in the exciting world of banking-related art, so I feel for ya!

I'm so totally a mustard person. Have you tried Honeycup Mustard? It's very sharp and wonderful. It even won silver in the honey category in the Napa Valley Mustard Festival! Ok, that's what happens when I spend too much time at my mom's. I google mustard, for dog's sake.

I am so much a mustard person - I bought myself Dragon's Breath mustard for xmas last year! Best. Gift. EVER!

You're absolutely right! I'm a ketchup person (with like... 3 times more ketchup on something than a "normal" person, but I ask you, what IS normal?), while my husband is absolutely a mayo person. mayo, ranch, eggs. I think you're right on the money.

My skinny daughter always asks for ranch dressing side when she orders french fries. How the hell do people get away with that?!!!!!! Especially those with my big fat genes? Guess her dad's genes kicked in.

Thanks for posting...I thought I would have a fit soon.

Kisses

Ketchup girl here! I even once ventured over into the Frosty Condiment Land.

That's right I said Frosty. A friend of mine talked me into ordering a Frosty from Wendys to dip my fries in. How she came up with that I dont know - but it's pretty good actually :)

:)

While I happen to live in Ketchup Country, and firmly believe (as the poet laureate of Canada once said) that ketchup loves potatoes, I don't see any reason to eat it on anything else. Ever.

And I'm not trying to be exclusionary, but mayo people kind of give me the creeps. Or at least their food does. Give me a mustard open face sandwich (ie mustard and black pepper on bread) any day.

A Frosty is the single best thing to dip your fries into, period. Your friend is very wise, and possibly Southern.

Sometimes I dip my fries into my shake at Johnny Rocket's, but it's just not the same.

Excellent topic, Ms. Purl! I have a refrigerator door-full of many condiments. One can never have too many condiments. I like all 3 categories with various foods. Since I'm on the voluptuous side, I'd have to say that mayo is preferred in order to keep up my lushness. Being an L.A. native, I'm positively addicted to Phillipe's hot mustard. You can only get it at the Original Phillipe's, Home of the French-Dipped Sandwich on Alameda St. in downtown L.A. I cook with it, add it to my sandwiches and even slather it on prok shops and chicken before cooking. Check it out!!!!

I like your theory - I'm totally a mustard person married to a ketchup dude. Besides, I like food-based ways of categorizing humanity.

I have a theory of my own, which might interest you (or make you think that your readers are nearly as crazy as yourself): it's the cake and pie theory of gender differnces. Now, I have actually conducted serious scientific trials on this (I've asked about every person I know), so I'm seriously thinking my idea has some merit (weird, weird merit). When asked whether he/she would prefer the most perfect piece of pie imaginable or the most wonderful piece of cake they could think up, about %95 of women answer cake and %95 of men answer pie. Why, I have no real ideas (I'm avoiding any theories connected with gross teen movies). But the only people who deviate from the men-like-pie and women-like-cake standard either a) refuse to answer because they want both (or want something else altogher, like a sandwich) or b) exhibit some of the so-called "traits" of the other gender - if such things exist- (eg, a heterosexual couple I know answer opposite to the trend, and she totally wears the pants in that house!).
Well, ok, enough rambling.

Wow...you most definitely need a long weekend. LOL I never really quite thought about condiments so much. Thanks for waking me up after lunch!

You keep mentioning the fact that you keep mentioning porn out in the real world, but you've never mentioned it here, except to mention that you mentioned it there...Mention, mention, mention, the word has lost all meaning. Long story short, I wanna hear about the porn. There I've said it.

I share your love of dividing people of the world into categories -- dog v. cats, ocean v. mountains, etc. I have never, however, tried out a tripartate (sp? is that a word?) division.

I'm a huge mayo person (I knew there was a reason I liked you, Ellen!). I'm guessing from the reactions here it's the least popular. Maybe we were French or Belgian in a past life?

I used to be only a ketchup person. I still go into the fast food places and use my own ketchup-holding device. Instead of using those pitifully tiny paper caps, I use a drink lid. Much more ketchup and much easier to access.
I have become more of a mustard person as of late. I love Chick-fil-A's honey dijon mustard.
MWAH!

I'm a ketchup girl myself - on my fries, hashbrowns, corndogs. I do venture out into other condiments though - at Tower Cafe (like the record store) here in Sacramento you can get french fries with some sort of mayo based dipping sauce - I have no clue what else is in it besides the mayo, but it is very good. When it comes to fries I do vary the condiments with the occaisional ranch dressing, frosty or vanilla soft serve.
However, I'm not much for mustard with the exception of honey mustard salad dressing.

French fries = ketchup/mayo
Hamburger = ketchup/mayo
hotdog/corndog/polish dog = nothing but yellow mustard.

Ketchup and mayo go together. (mix it, try it, it's good). But I will never mix ketchup and mustard. Now I'm hungry.

You are soooo right. I am a mustard person, and I also love the spicy stuff and beer, just like you said. I am the complete opposite of the mayo person- I don't like my food to touch, and don't like eggs. I can't stand mayo.

Your condiment personality theory is so dead on I'm beginning to suspect you may be alien.

It's no wonder you've been talk into a Pepsi can! I gotta run and fashion some aluminum foil as a hat before you start reading my mind.

~Miss Pants

Anyone who self-identifies as a Mustard Person MUST make pilgrimage to the Mustard Museum in Mount Horeb, Wisconsin. Even if you only do so virtually.
http://www.mustardmuseum.com/

I'm definitely a mustard person. I bet there are at least half a dozen varieties in my fridge right now. And one lonely and neglected bottle of ketchup that's been there forever. Does ketchup spoil? If food is good with ketchup it is (much) better with Sriracha hot sauce. To quote Laurie, "I'm just saying."

For what it's worth I'm a ketchup person and you described me to a tee (although I also happen to have a thing for ranch dressing, don't ask my dad about that...), I think your theory is true. I hate mustard (although mustard pretzals are THE BEST, I'm weird like that) and I also don't like peppers or beer. And I HATE HATE HATE having my food touching. Ewww. Sorry you're having a long day :(

Okay, I think I'll need some time to digest this one. Very deep in a bizarrely superficial sort of way.

Gurl, you crazy!

I like my mustard and my ketchup to have condiment sex when I eat corndogs, I have no clue how this came to be because I used to hate corndogs up until a couple months ago. I still hate mayo unless it's on my BLT and I only like my eggs scrambled. I am very touchy about my food touching - I hate when my syrup gets on my sausage.. that sounds weird.

Drew.........stay dry. Esp try to keep that (gulp I'm hoping theoretical) sandwich out of the flood waters in the nearest bayou. We've got enough odd things floating down there.

Laurie: you're goooood...lol

all that in just 5 minutes?

Fries + Frosty = love.

It's like a chocolate covered potato chip, and those are sooooo gooooood...

Ketchup and potatoes are good, I think, only in Fry form, like I can't stand ketchup on hash browns or any other kind of potato--just salt.

I'm pretty much ketchup the rest of the time I am eating stuff, like on corndogs or scrambled eggs--also like salsa or tobasco (any color or kind) on the eggs. Don't like BBQ sauce much though--I'd rather have dry BBQ ribs and such.

I only like mustard on three things: brown, on cold roast beef sandwiches (with plain potato chips stuffed IN the sandwich), yellow or brown or ANY kind on a brat, and yellow on my mom's roast beef hash.

My family is currently researching the theory that the only condiment available in the state of North Dakota is Ranch dressing. Having escaped from there some years ago, I can testify.

So, I'm totally a mustard kind of person, and I like all those things you said I liked: peppers, spicy things, beer, yada yada yada. However. I am ALSO a mayo person and I HATE BLUE CHEESE! YUCK!

Why, I don't know. In fact, although I love ranch, I've lived my entire life in fear that a nice creamy white sauce I think is ranch will, in fact, turn out to be blue cheese, which has happened several times. Also I notice no one else has mentioned The Horror That Is Miracle Whip. Yuck, yuck, yuck. You can't be a true mayo person if you like Miracle Whip! And no, they're NOT the same.

All this condiment talk reminds me of a friend in college (Hi, Ligeia!) who hated, and still hates, white creamy sauces. Mayo, ranch, blue cheese sauce, miracle whip, anything white and creamy. Yes, we made all those same jokes, too.

The Mustard Museum in Mt. Horeb! I’d almost forgotten that place. My first serious boyfriend in college was from Mt. Horeb (he still lived with his mommy, what a winner!), so I spent more time there than I’d really like to admit. The museum was kind of fun and kooky in the way only small-town Mid-western joints can be. But I must say my favorite part of Mt. Horeb was the trolls. Very much like gnomes…

I like your theory and think there's something to it, but may require a 4th category. I am a full fledged all condiments kind of person. Love ‘em. About the only thing I don’t enjoy is yellow mustard, because why use yellow when there are other options with flavor? It’s kind of like me and white bread when you could have rye or sourdough. What’s the point? Oh, and Worcester and Caesar dressing typically have anchovies, so they’re not veggie friendly.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that ketchup is the root of all evil. I barely even like marinara sauce--tomatoes and sugar do not go together! No ketchup, BBQ sauce, or cocktail sauce for me! Salt and butter go very well on all kinds of potatoes. And if I don't like anything as sweet as ketchup on my potatoes, you can imagine what I think about dipping fries in a perfectly good milkshake...mmmmmm. Milkshake...

I'm better informed. Thanks! Have fun at SNB tonight!

Those of us who love all condiments, I propose we go by the name "omnicondimentuals"

Our personality characteristics include food adventurism (willingness to try anything once) and being very good, inventive cooks!

Au jus, au jus!

Actually, I rather enjoy chocolate ice cream with peanut butter and chow mein noodles. But who doesn't?

I hated most condiments until I graduated from college. My kids are following in my footsteps.

Mmmmm, mustard. Totally a mustard person. And I also love Frank's Red Hot sauce with my chicken nuggets (but Jean, chickens don't HAVE nuggets).

BTW, I tried out your fried chicken recipe last night, and it was awesome. Thank you for posting it!

does velveeta count? back in the day, we would dip fries in some hot creamy velveeta. way good.

ketchup. and sometimes mustard. can't have none of those "mayo people" type condiments. i have never ever ever tried mayo. i'm 'llergic.

*pout*

Dip the fries in the Frosty???!. No No No!! The fries are the veggies and the Frosty is the dessert. You must eat all your veggies before you can have your dessert!

MMMMM yes yes - fries DO go with frosty!! is it a southern thing? this Texas girl has been a dipper her whole life.
in lieu of frosty i choose ketchup for fries
bbq and green chiles on my burgers
mustard for hotdog/corndog
and mayo on egg sandwhiches
salsa for just about everything else
so what does that make me?
oh... conducted the pie/cake theory.... hubby and i both chose cake hmmmmmmm??

This is sooo true. I'm sending around a link of this to my ketsup friends to show them that i am not the only one with crazy life theories!

Well, you nailed me. I am no longer going to identify as a straight/liberal/Capricorn/firstborn/Year of the Dragon. I'm going to identify as a mayonnaise type.

I like:
aioli
olive oil
yes - eggs
hummus
bleu cheese dressing

I tolerate:
dijon mustard
brown mustard

I hate:
ketchup
catsup
honey mustard
yellow mustard
hot mustard
most BBQ sauce

I would imagine those of us in my category are also statistically the fattest category, followed by the ketchup/catsups and then the very thin mustard eaters.

also, oh wise and purly one, could you maybe teach me to make my pictures thumbnails?

Note to Aarwenn: I HATE Miracle Whip!!! ICK!! That is SO not mayonnaise. It's white ketchup.

And Sarah, don't you think most of us Cake eaters, if pressed to admit such a thing, would profess we really just like the frosting?

Thank you RiseyP for defining us omnicondimentuals!

So Ketchup and Porn... hmmm....

Our Wendy's now has stuff to mix in frosty's....m&m's, oreos....

I'll have to try it with fries since I like ice cream and crunched potato chips...

HMMMMMMMM

I didn't think of myself as a mayo person until I read rb's comment. YUM.

HATE, HATE, HATE ketchup....most vile and disgusting thing immaginable....along with bananas.

I just looked in the fridge and we have 22 bottles of different mustards. I guess we are in the pursuit of the perfect mustard?

you're alive..YOU'RE ALIVE!! Which is what I always say to my SO when I finally reach him after not having been able to for a while. I toyed with the idea of sending you an email, but figured you were probably busy and didn't need to be bothered by a blog stalker. BTW, I made your fried chicken...I think I need more direction. As in, the special spice--thing where can I get it? I used what I had, and it was "ok". I'm not a big frier - 'fraid of fires, but I LOVE fried food (who doesn't?). So, anyhoo, I'll try it again, but I'll look for that designer spice you mentioned. And by the way, what the heck is "generous"??? I figured a couple o' tablespoons, but it was still kinda bland. Maybe you should just come to St. Louis and make it for me :-)

Hurm...guess mayo, but mustard is a close second. I like them all too. Zataran's Creole Mustard yummy! At one point in time, Zataran's made creole mayo which was a combo of mayo and creole mustard basically. It was yummy too.

I'm a mustard/mayo cross. I only ever eat ketchup on my eggs, interestingly enough (but not all the time). The fact that it's sweet fairly grosses me out! You cannot put anything but mustard on a hot dog/corndog! It's blasphemy! But I definitely align myself with both mustard and mayonnaise. Ooh, that just reminded me...my sister used to eat mustard and mayo on hot dog buns when we were younger (no hot dog necessary). I always thought she was weird but...

Wow, lots of insight into the condiment question. I've progressed over the years from a mayo/ketchup person to an omnicondiment... something, something...

used to be yellow mustard was too much. now yellow is ok, spicy brown is to die for, and dijon still makes me cringe (except in honey-dijon dressing form).

ketchup/mayo/ranch for potatoes--any one, or any combination of the three.

i've cut back my mayo intake since childhood, but still like it.

there's a family of condiments that i just don't get: dijon, horseradish, and wasabi are all horrible... i also like hot sauces, but hate any form of tabasco (ick, too vinager-ry). ok, i'm out.

Now if someone asked me what kind of condiment person I was, I'd definitely say I was a mustard person (I rarely use ketchup and I only eat mayo in deviled eggs and occasionally tuna fish). But when I read your secondary traits for the various condiments, I find that I cross several boundaries: I use bbq sauce for most things you would generally put ketchup on, I love steak sauce and au jus. I do like spicy sauces and beer (the darker, the better), but I detest Tabasco sauce and chili peppers. Bleu cheese is my favorite dressing and I don't mind (most of) my food touching.

Perhaps, I defy categorization. Or maybe I'm in a special category. Are there any others like me or do I stand alone?

While condoments are a wonderful topic, what I really want to read about is your Condom Theory of 1998!

Was that too vulgar?

oops.

1. I agree with Vickery (supra) - the condom theory would be good to hear. I'm certain you could do it justice - just sayin'....

2. Ketchup on eggs :) Mustard in egg salad and deviled eggs. :) But I get almost violent when people put condiments on food I've worked hard to prepare before they even try it plain!!! Dang! Why bother to cook if it's going to get slathered in stuff??? Huh????

3. You ended the post with "send wine". Auntie Purl, you sure you weren't already using it this morning??? This is sure some topic...LOL

Hugs and thanks for a great read and break from homework (why did I ever go back to school???)

-Leslie

I SO agree about the Miracle Whip. I asked my hubby to pick up some mayo one day when my folks were in town visiting. He came home with Miracle Whip. WTF? When, in the five years that we have been together, have I ever had anything other than Helmans?? Please. Miracle Whip?? Gross!!

We are a full-service condiment family. We have more small jars of stuff than can be imagined. That said -- I'm definitely a mustard gal. Never ever ketchup. The spicier or more "dijon" the mustard, the better. Not crazy for honey mustard. I do like mayo (never never in a million years Miracle Whip - Leslie, I feel your pain) but not slathered on stuff. Egg salad, tuna salad -- yes, with mayo and a slurp of mustard to make it interesting. Purl, you're right on.

while you can all call it ketchup, i'll go against the grain and call it tomato sauce (as we do here on the other side of the globe ;) and i'm a 'marty' sauce girl (as we call it here in my house) but i HATE bbq sauce. mustard is blah and mayo is ok in small doses. so not quite omnicondimental.
and i have just read your blog from beginning to end (took a few nights!) and found it thoroughly enjoyable. keep them purlers coming!

Sounds like discrimination against relish people to me. Sweet pickle relish + ketchup + sharp mustard on hotdogs. Mayo on fries. And yes, miracle whip is gross.

Apparently, I am a condiment whore. I like nearly all of the foods you mentioned (but not bleu cheese... ewww! Uh, except now that I think about it, crumbled bleu cheese is awesome on Chili's Buffalo Chicken Salad...).

Yep, I am definitely a condiment whore.

I do have moments for almost all condiments (except for Bleu Cheese and Ranch Dressings)
But, my favorite ever is Ketchup. There was a wonderful article in the New Yorker last year about ketchup being the most 'platonic' food-it contains all taste sensations.
But, I do like honey mustard on many items. Mayo on some things, but never without sister Ketchup.
Sometimes I like to get funky and add some BBQ sauce to my ketchup meals (like Ketchup on my eggs and BBQ on the home fries!)

What about the NO condiment people (she says defensively...).

Ranch dressing and onion rings....I worked at a hamburger joint from the 40's..1941 actually. They would tell me stories about when the war had started, and being in the restaurant and having to turn out the lights...damn. With all those onion rings and ranch dressing, it could be almost orgasmic.....

Ranch dressing!
I have even been known to put it on my cheeseburger.
Must try it on corndogs... mmm... corndogs.

As to the french fries and frostys... I've done that, it is good. Used to be (before the change to a lowerfat mixture that happened in the late 80s) that french fries dipped in McDonald's chocolate milkshake was sooo good but now it just isn't.

This whole comment explains why I am not skinny.

Ketchup all the way. If the frig were empty except for one thing, that thing would be ketchup.

As far as corndogs, I like them with ketchup (duh) but I peel off the corn part and only eat the dog. I know it's just a weiner then, but it's so much more fun to eat it on a stick.

The ONLY mayonaisse is Duke's, the mayo of the South. None of that rotten salad dressing-wannabe-mayo for us. When we moved to Tennessee, we couldn't find Duke's in the stores and had to have it sent from home. It's a staple here.

Salsa is SOOOOOO ketchup. I'm omni-condimental. I'll put anything in my mouth...that sounds kinky.....

Someone mentioned Ketchup on eggs, this is disgusting. I have horrid childhood memories of my siblings doing this very thing. *shudder* We are a Mustard people only family. We like the mustard, but occasionally eat miracle whip in tuna sandwiches. We didn't even own a bottle of ketchup until recently when we had some people over for burgers/hot dogs and they complained about no ketchup so we went and bought some. It's still in the fridge. No one here eats it. It's the outcast of the condiments in our home. It's the redheaded stepchild. There are other condiments here that we use occasionally, the A1 steak sauce, and the BBQ sauce, but neither of them get the nasty treatment that ketchup receives. Maybe we should feel bad, but we don't. This is a mustard house!

Once again I find myself spread across all categories, hopelessly well-rounded and incapable of commitment to just one group. I'm so boring. No T-shirt for me, I guess.

I also tried the conditioning properties of mayo and my hair smelled disgusting. Bad move, that hair mayo thing.

Oh my gosh, I read ALL the comments (I'm not starting my new job for 6 weeks yet!) and only ONE person mentioned sweet pickle relish. An absolute TRAVESTY. If I were stranded on a desert island and could only have one condiment, it would definitely be relish. And I prefer pie.
Also - the mustard museum! I've been there, and I hate mustard!

It's posts like this that keep me coming back here first thing every morning.

DH is definately a ketchup person; puts it on BLT sandwiches. Yuk.

Me? I'm a die hard mustard girl. Love the stuff. A corndog is not right without mustard. Onion rings? mustard. Subway Melt? mustard. But, mayo and ketchup have their place on my food too. A BLT must have mayo, stupid husband. French fries and tater tots ain't right without ketchup.

Growing up we had a Henry's Hamburgers in the neighborhood and they served their burgers with a "secret sauce". It was so yummy. After meeting DH I discovered that his first job was at a Henry's so I had to ask what was in the "secret sauce". Guess what it was???? Mustard and ketchup mixed together. Such a happy union.

Now, what are your feelings on salt and pepper?

I wonder what it says about me that I'm a mustard person for sandwiches, but really, at heart, I'm a syrup person? I LOVE me some syrup, especially on salty things like hash browns and sausage. Mmmm.

Mayo rocks! And mayo on French Fries (a habit I acquired in Belgium) rocks even harder! But it has to be real mayo (like from Trader Joe's), not mayo with all those preservatives and crap. And DEFINITELY not miracle whip. Miracle whip was invented by anti-mayo people.

But Laurie - what are you if you don't like ANY of these sauces? I mean, yeah, I'll eat Mayo in a tuna salad, mustard & Mayo in my egg salad, and ketchup on my meatloaf - but as dip, or on burgers, or salad dressing? UGH! Not me! I like my corndogs NAKED!

April (btw - I think I fixed the blogger-dealy-to-post thing)

I may be about to bring down heaps of scorn and condemnation on my own head: but I really like Miracle Whip. In the house where I grew up, if you said mayonnaise, you meant Miracle Whip. I was in junior high before I realized MW wasn't actually mayo. I think real mayo is kind of bland compared to the tangy sweetness of MW.

I like my hamburgers with Miracle Whip and lettuce, my Dad calls that a 'sissyburger'.

[Sitting back and waiting to be stoned by mayonnaise purists]

LOL! I grew up in Mt. Horeb, Wisconsin! The mustard museum is too fun. They have an annual "Mustard Days" where they have free hot dogs (with many mustards to try) and the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile and even Honey-Mustard Ripple Vanilla Custard, which was surprisingly excellent!
Currently my favorite mustard is Colman's from Norwich, England. It's yellow, but don't be deceived: the stuff has more kick than a field full of mules. Whoever said the English can't cook has never been there.
Otherwise, I'm one of those omnicondimentuals. I even like tartar sauce on my fish sticks. I know, I'm such a gourmet. The only condiment I hate is the sauce on a Big Mac. "Secret" my ass - everyone knows it's ketchup mixed with tartar sauce.
My last question is - what wine goes best with mustard?

I don't know if anyone else has alerted you to this, but condiments do, occasionally, go bad. Just for your reference, here's a chart...
http://web.mit.edu/dryfoo/www/Info/condiments.html

Miracle Whip is evil! I grew up on that stuff, and boy was I surprised to find out how good real mayo was!

Any thoughts on Salt and Vinegar on fries? Or gravy? (Hello Canada...)

Well, how do you categorize someone who loves most, if not all, condiments? I hardly eat any unadulterated food!

What would you call someone who likes all three? split condiment personality? LOL
I love a hotdog with all three, I love ketchup OR mayo on my fries, or both mixed yuuuummmm... and sometimes I like just mustard on everything...

I'm such a ketchup person!

I'd love to hear your theories on Pickle people: Dill as opposed to sweet or relish which in my opinion is unnatural and unholy...

Then there are cucumber people who prefer them without any pickling of any sort...

OOOO, OOOO, salt and vinegar fries! Incredible! Here in the Emerald City (Seattle, sorry Lynne, I know you've got the title of Oz on lockdown, but Seattle has called itself Emerald City for some time now) at Safeco field, they have Garlic Fries. Covered in more garlic than I thought possible. Guaranteed to give you dragon breath for weeks. Incredible stuff.

Also I agree entirely that Miracle Whip is white ketchup, what a great phrase! And to the person who grew up on Miracle Whip and still likes it, where did you grow up (I'm guessing Middle America somewhere) and are you sure you've had GOOD mayonnaise before you reject all mayo outright?

Malt vinegar on fries? Rock the Casbah!
Mayo AND mustard (Guldens) in all salads(Ham/Chicken/Tuna, etc).
Ketchup with horseradish and/or malt vinegar on fried fish.
Blue cheese on chicken wings.
Husband - pie, me - cake (unless the choice includes pumpkin/sweet tater pie)
And dagnabbit. I'm hungry.

Mayo, mayo, mayo. Thank you very much. I mix it with everything. Well, not /everything/, but lots of things.

I almost dare not say it, for fear that CAP will ban me from being one of her blog-stalker minions, but I /hate/ mustard by itself as a condiment. I can take it mixed in dressings or potato salad (with mayo, of course) but otherwise, blech. The one notable exception to that rule, soft pretzels at the ballgame. Have to have mustard for that!

i am a mustarder-BUT my favourite condiment for fries is mayo, oh, scratch that. my favourite fry concoction is POUTINE!!! if you are not aware of this little gem of heaven here is a site to check out--http://www.avivalasvegas.com/Pages/poutinetalk6.htm. i am canadian after all, and if you live here and dont like poutine, then you cant call yourself canadian in my humble opinion:)
love the post!!

And then there are those of us from Utah. The Fry Sauce People. My god, I love fry sauce. That's mayo and ketchup mixed, sometimes with Secret Ingredients thrown in for good measure.

In case you don't believe it's a real thing, read this: http://saltlakecity.about.com/cs/regionalfood/a/frysauce.htm

That's right, a culinary treasure, baby.

Girl, you the insta-gator, ain't you? You need that (ketchup-colored) Devil Hat in the S&B book.

MiracleWhip and yellow (as in French's) mustard are for people who've never met their own tastebuds. Honor yourselves! Enlighten! Branch out! Try spicy brown, grainy country dijon, and HORSERADISH mustard!

I am totally with rb on the aioli and anything olive oil (please add some good romano cheese and let me squish crusty bread into it). And Dusa, malt vinegar definitely rocks the Casbah!

Note: I lived in England for long enough to know it IS true that they don't have cuisine unless some other culture brings it! (Except for fish n chip n malt vinegar, lots of grease and salt, thanks! How I miss all that heart-stopping stuff.)To Linda L, the excellent Colman's mustard is not a clue, and here's why: they EXPORT IT ALL, they don't keep it and use it! (Thus there's a large tin in my cupboard.) I'll tell you all about a west-country "delicacy" called "chip buttie" sometime, but not now, it will put you off your next meal. Once I ordered "green salad," and got iceberg lettuce NOT cut, NOT torn, just a leaf turned up cuplike on a plate, and was brought my own personal jar of "salad creme," which is basically MiracleWhip in a small glass thing with a plain label calling it something else. Way to diet!

My mom used to eat mayonaise right out of the jar. Like with a spoon. Yes, you heard me correctly.

So it's no wonder that I love it too, just not quite that much. I'd say it is truly my downfall. Well, that and vodka.

I always said that if I ever was asked what I wanted for a "final meal," it would definitely be an entire Pecan Pie with a Gallon of Egg Nog to wash it down. Sick you say? I say give me as many damn fat grams as I can stand... the only way to possibly get any MORE fat grams on that meal would be to slap some mayo on there and call it a day!

Yummy

Ugh. I. Hate. Mustard. Don't like mayo.
But I love ketchup.
And I love french fries dipped in sweet n sour sauce.
And eggs drenched in maple syrup.

Hmm. I'm definitely a fan of ketchup. However, I also love hot sauce. French fries with ketchup and hot sauce is just heaven on a plate. But, I hate mustard. I also like mayonnaise, but only on turkey sandwiches. According to your categories, I'm even nuttier than you are (but I'd be speaking into a Coke can). :)

Lays Potato chips.. Sal y limon flavored

God is good.

Sweet pickle relish is naaaahhhhssty!

Gimmie DILL.

Yes. I AM a sourpuss!

I'm going to throw my hat in with the group requesting more info about the Condom Theory of '98.

Re: the condom theory of '98

my mother always wondered why anyone would want to go to Florida and live in a condom

Love your condiment theory! Thanks for making me laugh!

HAHA! you always make me laugh!

hmmmmm, is vinegar a condiment?

Ok, now I'll let you get back to wrapping your windows in aluminum foil to keep out those pesky alien rays..

vacation anyone?

Does it make me tripolar or wishy-washy or something if I say I LOVE ALL condiments? Except I'm not too big on salsa, except on the odd occasion. Condiments make the world go 'round.

Back in the day, when my sot-of-a-mom forgot to get lunch meat, I had a sandwich that was ONLY condiments. It wasn't that bad... (I included pickle relish, mustard AND mayo.
In general though, I now stick to mustard because of it's lower caloric properties... but never never for tuna salad.

Thank you for your thought provoking post!

What are you knitting.

i think i fall into a fourth class -- the anti-condiment people. Save for the occassional dollop of ketchup with fries, i prefer my food plain, thanks very much. in fact, i can't even be in the same room as relish or pickles or mayo. thousand island dressing? my kryptonite.

So what does that make me if i mix my mayo and my ketchup together to get a nice pink goo?

A lurker here. Love your blog, love this post. You have real talent, write a book.

Hey - Laurie - where ARE ya, girl? Don'tcha know that there are THOUSANDS of lonely, pathetic losers out there who DEPEND on your daily posts to give their life meaning? I mean, it's been since THURSDAY, woman!!!

OK, don't stone me. I like Miracle Whip.

More importently, what's the Condom Theory? I'll add my comment now. Thank God for vasectomies. I have a latex allergy. Nuff said.

Something seems to be wrong with your comments section...the wrong comments are attributed to the wrong people (at least in my case anyway). I was the Salsa/Sienfeld person. Just want to let you know so you are aware of the problem. Looking forward to the next post!

You must always use Condiments for Safe Snacks - didn't y'all learn that in school? 7th grade health class????

Deb is saying what I'm feeling. WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRGHHHHHHHHHHH I NEED MY CRAZY AUNT PURL FIX!!!!!!!!

PS: CK, don't look up, look down. There's your attribution baby!

While I am essentially a mustard girl as well, I will eat a good Buffalo sauce on just about anything, don't dislike catsup, and enjoy mayo frequently as well (but cold pasta salad is a big time ew.)

I'm in radio, and to further add to your highly scientific and accurate way of dividing the masses, you can break it down even further. Without fail, at several different stations in several different states, the way I could always count on to get phone calls was to ask which was better Mayo or Miracle Whip....

Woah, I could've sworn it was wrong and looked above and below...must've been some bad mushrooms.

*crickets chirping*

*footsteps echoing*

Hey Auntie, You OK?

I'm worried, is all. Just a quick all's well when you get a mo' OK?

*chews fingernails nervously*

Come out PLEASE crazy auntie and give us our daily fix. We need it bad.