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July 14, 2005

She works hard for the mayo.

Ya'll are about to see first hand what 14 hours a day of working does to a girl.

Me: La la la la ... well, what can I write about in this five-minute break without discussing work, events, projects, work, poop, cat litter, porn and so on?

Also me: Ugh. Let's call Drew and tell him about my corndog dinner last night that I had with a combo of French's yellow and Gulden's spicy brown mustard.

Me: He eats his with ketchup, pshaw!

Also Me: Ding! Ding! We have an idea!

- - - - - - -

Aunt Purl's Condiment Theory (not to be confused with Aunt Purl's Condom Theory of 1998)

People can be classified into one of three categories. There are ketchup people, mustard people and mayonnaise people.

Ketchup people are more apt to like dipping sauces, like barbecue sauce and steak sauce, even an occasional au jus. It is the most sincere and honest condiment, you always know where you stand with ketchup, even if it's called catsup.

While I really like the ketchup/catsup, especially on hash browns, I am myself essentially a mustard person. I like it yellow and happy, brown and fancy, Dijon, poupon or French's. Mustard is a happy condiment, and mustard people often like spicy sauces, Tabasco, chili peppers and beer. [Ed. note: Ya'll see I have lost my damn mind.]

Then, of course, there are the mayo folks. I don't particularly have a pure love for mayo (or bleu cheese, though I like ranch dressing and patty melts) all of which are affinities of mayo people. Much like their condiment of choice, mayo people aren't afraid for their food to touch. Both tuna salad and Thousand Island dressing were invented by Mayo people. You'll rarely find a mayo person who dislikes eggs.

You may be asking where I got my information for this scientific and precise method of categorizing people. (You may also be asking if I have gone buckwild crazy and am wearing my bra on my head and talking into a Pepsi can.)

My theory here is the culmination of years of research. I have myself eaten many condiments and on one occasion even explored the conditioning properties of mayo. I decided to draw upon my keen observation skills and devote myself to pure science. Condiment research doesn't pay very well, but it is an extremely noble profession.

La la la. Back to work. Send wine.

Posted by laurie at July 14, 2005 12:52 PM