Oh my gosh! I'm first. Or at least I am so far though by the time I say my little piece, someone may have beat me to it.

Laurie. Yes. We all feel that way at times. Especially when life has thrown us changes and it doesn't matter whether we wanted those changes or not. There have been many moments in my life, ordinary moments, sometimes alone, sometimes being shared with someone, when this incredibly sad yearning hits me. I don't know what it is I'm yearning for, only that the feeling itself is sometimes powerful enough to make me want to cry. Sometimes, I think maybe it is a yearning for God (or whatever higher power you may believe in). Maybe a need to get back to a place I was before, just for a minute, to revisit it. I'm not sure. I only know I have them.

Yes, waiting is good. Time is good. You are now finding your peace amidst the storm as far as I can see. You went from angry, numb, and weepy to someplace better. The angry, numb and weepy is all part of healing. The worst part about pain is that you have go through it to get past it. You've done that. You are entering into peace. Hopefully sleep will be soon to follow. You're learning who you are in a different context than before. When you are with someone, you are a different person and when your situation changes, it's all about discovering the new you. I think that is where you are. I could be wrong. Hell, I don't even know if this made any sense. What I do know is that you are doing just fine.

I am getting this incredible sense of peace and calm from your post. I am having a crappy day here at work and I just felt your calm. I don't know if that makes any sense. But I am glad that you are finding some peace within yourself and getting past the pain.

I hope you are able to sleep again soon. So you can dream of happy things.

My kids have been gone for over a week and I have been thinking I just might die without them. But this weekend I, also, came into a sense of relative peace. I can totally relate.

What a great post! It was almost poetic in its rhythm.

have you read "a girl called zippy"? there is a chapter in that book about a memorable sleepover--memorable because it was the moment before everything changed.

this is a good place to be in, i think. you are (exhale) O-K. everyone sometimes is sick of their own jokes (i'm not so sure about the cat hair, though). sometimes i'm sick of everyone else's too. but i can't sit by myself and not feel lonely.

i think all of these symptoms are manifestations of your inner superhero. maybe you don't need sleep. you are just that awesome.

When I read this it reminded me of this poem:

************************************************

When I Am An Old Woman

I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in ships and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and a pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple.

Author: Jenny Joseph

************************************************

You go girl...and maybe look for a cool car.

Cheryl

I'm convinced that as adults, we just sleep differently than kids & teens do. We just hit a point where sleep is no longer easy or even easy. I never had trouble sleeping until I was about 25 and then it all changed. All of a sudden, getting to sleep wasn't assured. Maybe it's a function of age and our bodies changing. Or maybe it's a result of the fact that as we age, we have worries and traumas and bad things that we don't allow ourselves to feel during the daytime, so as we try to relax in bed, they come flooding back to us. We're very good at compartmentalizing our feelings and keeping the bad stuff from intruding on our work life, our waking life, but we can't keep it from hitting us when we're vulnerable and trying to sleep.

There's something eerie and transcendant about the middle of the night and insomnia -- sometimes intoxication or alcohol will do it -- that lets you look at your life as if it were far away. I always wished I could keep the drive to write that I felt in the middle of the night, but on the other hand it can make everything look dull or desperate. Revisit this post when you're well-rested and see what it tells you.

It is a pretty kick-ass car.

While I can still manage to sleep a day away, I can relate to that sense of their being a whole in your life. Its during that time that I generally toy with the idea of making a big move (usually either to SF or Boston). But I dont feel like packing, so I'll go for a day trip instead. While this doesnt fill the hole it does give me a chance to spend a day by myself someplace different where I cant just fall into a normal routine.

I did not sleep for a long time. I was in bed - but there was no sleep. It was like chasing a gnat. Annoying and just out of grasp. You'll get there. Do you have good health insurance? Tell them you're not sleeping. It took me a long time to do that but once I did, I wish I had done it earlier.

xo

Perhaps you should thank your insomnia. It has forced you deal with the reality that all you have is yourself. You did not run from the realization, instead you confronted that "hole" in the quiet darkness of your patio and felt proud and calm.

To feel pain is not a failure.

First of all......great name, great spelling!

At the ripe *old* age of 46 and 5 years into a divorce after 23 years of marriage, all of the feelings you've been going through have been experienced by me, and most certainly by others as well.
My kids are grown and gone; my baby is in the Marines in Iraq, the other recently married. My marriage, kids and job were my life.....then BAM.....major changes happened! Unemployment for 1.5 years, near death of my oldest son, otherone sent to war,downsizing to the point of I now live with a roommate.....yadda yadda yadda.

All of this is only to say that during each experience I went through anger, fear, more anger, emptiness, sadness; the emotions went on and on and on.

I've *read* you through your feelings, and have to tell you how much I admire you! Your openness, willingness to share such raw emotions with strangers, indicates a strength beyond your own comprehension. I believe you are now coming out the other side, and are beginning to experience the beginning of peace and changes in your life that will continue to allow you to grow beyond your wildest dreams! Soon, you will slumber like a baby and will awake smiling!

God Bless you Laurie - we're all with you!

Deep thoughts by Laurie. I noticed your insomnia did not involve knitting. Speaking of knitting - read my blog - I need help.

Laurie, you write beautifully and movingly. Your feelings are of course your own, but I'm sure we all recognize some of them. When my first marriage was just starting to go bad, every time I got on the freeway I wanted to just keep going. Listen to those voices in your head - they are telling you something.

I say take a drive and go away for a few days. Ask someone to mind the furries while you're gone. Maybe this weekend, open a map, close your eyes and point. The drive there. Just do it and don't worry.

You never know if you'll find a new friend, an new favorite place, or yourself.

Laurie, thank you. You write so well. I can relate to the feelings of a "hole" in yourself...loss does that to you.

And everyone keeps telling me to keep busy, to try new things...it will help...but like you said, sometimes all it is, is keeping busy...pushing away the reality...it's just a distraction.

I haven't reached the insomnia stage yet...I sleep too much I think. I'm kind of looking forward to it actually...from what I hear, menopause brings it on, and you can get so much more stuff (yeah, I know, busy work) done...heh.

Thanks for expressing so eloquently, what all of us have felt.

That's interesting, Laurie, because I've been dealing with that need for *something* myself lately. To the point that I've been considering selling the house, quitting the job, packing up the kitties and moving on to somewhere new. But I'm not sure it's the right thing to do and am concerned that that would only be a "distraction" and not resolve "that something missing". But I travel soon and will be interested to see if any opportunities for change present themselves in these new locations. I'm open ... as it sounds you are.

At any rate, I loved this post and am happy for you that you seemed to have found much inner strength! Be proud!

Love you, Purl!!

Also -- not to be shallow, but if you develop persistent insomnia, Sonata is a wonderful thing.

Laurie, you really are quite the writer darlin'! As I was reading your post, I couldn't help but hear Jack Johnson singing in the background, "sitting, waiting wishing".

Sleep will come, as well as dreams. And all your fans ARE wishing you sweet dreams!

Hey kiddo, the waiting is for yourself. You are right about older women being comfortable in their own skins, but it took me a longass time to get here. It's a good destination, however. It's kind of like growing up. Don't be in such a hurry. Remind yourself to live for the moment.

No, they don't make cars like that anymore. 1973 1/2 red VW convertible beetle with tartan plaid seat covers. Delicious. I still dream about driving it!

I started an email to you, rather than a comment, but that seems too stalker-esque. So, I just didn't read the comments today.

Anyway, you seem to have the ability to articulate perfectly what I am feeling. Of course, you talk about road trips rather what I do, which is talk about why I get lonely at Target alone, but whatever. Basically, I liked your post today. I have a feeling I am going to remember it when I get lonely in my solo apartment-o. Thank you. :)

This too will pass. And you will learn from it. What you will learn remains to be seen. But learn you will! About yourself, your life, what fulfills you as you are now: the you that can sit by herself and not need anyone to sit with her. The you that can cope with the A/C crisis. The you that can be the Grown Up taking care of her fur kids. The you that can look at old pictures and see what was really important. The you that entertains the rest of us, and speaks for those who cannot articulate what they feel. Patience and waiting. And being open to what comes along. Then you will sleep.

Dammit ... your words started The Crying. At least it was a hint that there is a light at the end of this dark deary depression tunnel.

LOVE.

Laurie: Stay there. Stay right where you are. As odd and strange as that feeling of emptiness is, the worst thing you can do is rush to fill it up. Don't ask how I know this.

I'm 47, and as one of those "older" women who feels comfortable in her skin, I can promise you that it's those times of waiting, of finding out the shape of the hole in their life, of being patient with silence, that got me to being comfortable with myself.

It's an interesting road, and they don't give you a map for it. In fact, there isn't any map till you make it yourself. And knitting helps, really.

Aunt Purl, you have to get in that car and explore the backroads. There are lots of them around here, take the backroad up to Ventura. It's filled with fruit stands and orchards. Then cool off with ocean breezes at Ventura Harbor. Or take back route to Ojai, through Santa Paula... a day in Ojai is very calming. Book a weekend visit, have a massage, luxuriate in the vibes. You will feel better when you realize that "this too shall pass".

I wish I could explain how much this post means to me. I've been feeling so unsettled lately, but I've been unable to put my finger on why. I've gotten quiet and I'm very aware that I'm waiting, but I have no idea what I'm waiting for.

When I read your post, it was like you'd taken a flashlight and started digging around in my brain. It felt good to see the way I've been feeling in concrete words.

Anyway, I may be going through different things in my life than you are, but I still know how you feel. Your post was beautiful.

What an excellent post. You have such skill for describing these kinds of experiences... I think often of your entry about the smells of places and those other, less tangible qualities that make you love or miss a place. I'm so glad to hear that you are healing. :)
xox

LOVE your blog. Thanks for putting this into words; have been there, lived through it and am v grateful to grow more and more comfortable in my own skin.

Re-read Ann Marie's comment. She is so right! You are on a road trip right now; enjoy every minute of it.

What is it that you are waiting for?

Very nice post. Deep and calm. I could almost hear crickets chirping. I applaud you!

On the other hand. Stop smoking and see the doctor. Get a good prescription for Ambien or Lunesta. GET SOME SLEEP, GIRL!

But keep up the great writing.

Wow! You really know how to write, girl. You have touched people. I have been there and came out the other side, as you will. There is a lot of grieving to be done after the loss of a relationship, whatever the circumstances. You are doing just what you need to be doing.
I am now one of the old women, totally comfortable in my own skin, but I remember the searching very well.
To sleep, perchance to dream......

I agree with Ann-Marie. The hardest thing to learn is to be still, especially in the middle of discomfort and uncertainly, but just sit with the silence for a little while longer. Soon, it will be time to do all the things you want to do, but there's something new emerging within you. The hole will be filled, but it won't be from outside activity. You will fill it from within yourself. I wish you a successful (inner)journey!

I feel this way sometimes too. This longing, this wanting for something . Is it for the way things were or how you wish they would be or maybe the life that would/could have been if only you had went left instead of right, all the different lives I could have lived. Maybe it is the anticipations of new things to come. I just sit and listen to sad music and eventually it goes away. Change is hard, no matter if it is a good change or a bad change, it still hurts. It is a good thing to be able to be alone. I think that you do know yourself whether you think so or not, otherwise you couldn’t be alone with yourself. I wish I could be alone more. Sometimes I want to make my husband leave the house so I can just be alone. The road never ends Laurie, it just changes direction. I am just happy that you have decided to share you journey with us.

What a phenomenal post. You're first up on the bookmarks every evening because everyone knows you're the funniest (my whole SnB loves reading you...you have a gift for making a bad day something to chuckle about.) Now, you've shown you're just as talented without the giggles. I think a lot of us know that 'waiting' place. Hope it brings you all things good. Thanks so much for sharing you in writing!

As everyone else said - awesome post.

As for the non-sleeping thing - Simply Sleep. Same thing as Tylenol PM but without the Tylenol. I take half a dose and sleep well, but not like I am drugged. I can't function the day after a real sleeping pill.

Road trips rock!

Laurie, as one of those "older women", at age 45, I'm getting comfortable in my skin, and it is a peaceful thing, tho it itches at first.

That hole you feel isn't empty. It is merely where you've grown... and like any new part of you, it feels like it's not your own yet. Wait, breathe (stop smoking), travel and collect your new memories. Explore the area you live in. Most people have no idea of the wonderfully unique and intriging things that are often located within an hour's drive of home. Those backroads with old houses, unexpected gardens and surprizes. Stop at little stores that sell old things and take time to wonder at who owned that old boot and what was made in that old cast iron skillet, and what kinds of things were kept in that old trunk.

Enjoy filling your new space.

Laurie, what a beautiful post. You're learning something here, even if no one knows what it is. Don't get a prescription for Ambien, though. :) I think Whoever Runs the Universe gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it - maybe you need this sleepless time to yourself, to figure out what it is that you need.

Knit, love your cats, take care of yourself. You'll be fine - I can tell from that post.

I really appreciated this post. I agree a lot with Kim, Aimee, and Cheryl above.

There was a time in my life [college] that was so fun and great and filled with growth and self-discovery, that the following years of re-trenching and starting over in a new city, struggling to make ends meet, had me feeling like I had peaked early. I was actually convinced that I had experienced the happiest years I would know.

Now I see that life comes in cycles. Take comfort in the fact that change is a fact of life. You're in an in-between time, and sooner or later things will shift.

Someday things will be totally different, and you will look back on this period and fondly remember the repairmen coming around and making advances [or vice versa!] You will remember late nights on the patio with your glass of wine and the snails trekking across the concrete; bbq parties in the backyard with your girlfriends. As mundane as your life seems now, someday it will be so completely different that you will look back and appreciate it more than you know.

For a non-narcotic insomnia relief program, listen to some quiet music that you like, through headphones in the dark of night. Get a book and keep it by the bed. Keep some knitting by the bed. Find something peaceful to give yourself an activity to pass the hours while everyone else snoozes.

When I get stuck in the downward spiral of insomnia [can't sleep, tired at work, coffee all afternoon to function, can't sleep because of the coffee...] I think the best way to break the cycle is a weekend away. Just get in your car and drive.

By the way, its just a fact that your car is part of your lifestyle as much as your hairstyle or your choice of dress. If you loved that car so much, then YOU HAVE GOT TO GET A DIFFERENT CAR! People who think that car-obsessed people have superficial hang-ups are in denial about the role of the automobile in modern life.

If the idea of taking off on a road trip in a car that you love thrills you, then that is what you should do. Especially if you take the bus to work. For someone like you, your car is really closer to a pair of shoes than a mode of transportation.

Oops! That was me, I just forgot to fill in my name. Didn't mean to be anonymous. Cheers!

I like your description of how insomnia feels, and I was one of those sleep your life away teenagers who is paying in spades as I get older with terminal insomnia.

And it took me awhile after my divorce, but the feeling of not needing someone else was the most powerful healing. For a long time it's a fine line between wanting and needing and then one day it hits you. You can be complete within yourself. Sounds like a lot of crap, but I swear it's true.

Take a road trip. Drive up to Napa and drink loads of wine. Look for something or nothing at all!

Darlin', even we "older" women who seem comfortable in our skins have trouble with insomnia. I take one Tylenol PM or Simply Sleep these days, or I'd never get to sleep. No need to tough it out. It really does help to sleep.

You capture the wistfulness, the wisps of trailing feelings in your post. One learns to live with the sleeplessness, like one learns to live with pain or loss.

Thanks for poetry in posting.

I agree with Dawn and Rebecca about Ann Marie's post. You're a special gurl, Aunt Purl, and you're gonna' be just fine.

Life is a whole series of adventures, some quieter than others. This is your period of introspection and becoming complete within yourself for yourself. Namastne. Blessed be.

Put the cats in a freezer and come join me in Afghanistan for a year. You'll earn enough $$ for a HELL of a road trip and you'll be out of your FUNK.
Think about it.

Hooray for moving on! I know it has been a tough time on you but you and the 4 cats will survive!

Your words Live! I was right next to you listening to the crickets and enjoying the "aloneness." And oh, how I love those moments.

Grief takes its own time and its own road. That hole, that feeling of waiting, is a space that has been created by the growth of the inner you...your spirit. Don't rush to fill it, Life will offer tastes that can satisfy that hunger. Enjoy that sense of anticipation, like waiting for the next appatizer....and that is what it is...a new sampling is coming your way. But remember, if the dish looks like chocolate covered slugs, you shouldn't take it. Insist on escargot! Sometimes you are given something you have no choice about, yet you have the power to refuse, especially when your little voice is telling you "be careful."

At 57, I like to dress in purple with a red hat. Comfortable in my skin? Yes, to a great extent..but I still can feel depressed, lonely, weepy and intimidated and hurt. It lasts only a short time, and then I can laugh! I can laugh at those who think I'm "insane," I can laugh because I enjoy those alone moments when my world seems to gasp at the beauty of it all. I can laugh at the biddies in the neighborhood who would never, ever be seen without makeup. I can laugh at those who think I am a trollop for marrying someone 13 years younger.

Take your time. You will have sweet sleep again. Your soul needs those moments on your patio, in the middle of the night, with your cigs and a glass of wine. I had a night that I still think of when things get tense and shitty. Middle of summer, couldn't sleep, unhappy and feeling as if my mind is buzzing around about something and I had no idea what it was. I went outside and sat on the deck. Crickets, tree frogs, a Luna moth, cicadas singing and a raccoon walked right by my feet..not seeing me. All adding to an intense feeling of comfort and peace.

Enjoy You, Purl! Re-introduce you to You. Enough time is spent on your job, enough time has been spent on "him," enough time has been spent on other people and other things...time to be a little selfish. Time to nurture yourself, get to know yourself again, learn to breath. Hummm, maybe a little Pink Floyd time. (Does that date me or what? LOL)

Remember! It is always better to be alone than lonely. And one of the loneliest is to be alone in a bad relationship. Been there! I finally got my act together at the age of 40 and realized there are no rules, just presevation of the basic Me.

Now, I am going to shut up, take a shower, put on purple, go to Walmart, come home and listen to Pink Floyd in your honor. Why? Because you are just to freaking cool for words! You Rock!

What a beautiful, haunting post, Laurie. I'm another true believer in Anne-Marie (whoever she is besides a very wise woman).

And don't medicate yourself just so you can sleep...it numbs you to any feelings you have. A friend of mine has a theory that there are no great art masters these days because they're all doped up on anti-depressants, sleeping pills, anxiety meds,etc. Sleep will come once you have inner peace.
Be kind, be careful, be yourself.

I also agree with Anne-Marie, and with Liz on the medication thing. Embrace the hole, don't rush to fill it. I do, however, think you can do this while driving, so a meandering road trip is not out of the question. Some of my best alone time is while driving.

Beautiful, beautiful post.

Girl-
Get thee to a yoga class. Will help the sleep...will restore the flow.

wow. i now how you feel. i've been seperated for nearly 6 months, no papers filed yet, but its just a matter of time. when its over, its over. no more crying. i enjoyed your post.

This was so lovely. I, too, read your blog every day because I know it will be funny, and now I know you can be serious, and wistful, and heartbreaking. Miraculous.

hey there -

I'm back from my trip & am caught up on your blog. I did actually think about reading while I was in Southeast Asia, but you know, I was busy with rushing from sightseeing back to lie in my air conditioned hotel room because it was hot and muggy almost every day. So I can totally relate to your A/C woes.

Came home to a kitty with diarrhrea -- so lovely to spend my first blissful minutes home cleaning up poop from her back side and the carpet where she'd run her butt along the floor in an attempt to get clean. The other kitty has not left my side, so I'm making up for 3 weeks of lack of snuggles. Trip update coming soon to my blog.

I really, really liked this post. It may not have all of your wit slipped in to all the perfect places, but it really captures the way I feel these days. Divorce didn't do that to me, though. It was the death of a family member. Luckily, though, the kids exhaust me too much for insomnia. It is good for some late night knitting, though, right?

Oh, and a little idea I've got for reaching the state of no longer caring what others think of you without having to be over sixty... start wearing hideous polyester leisure suits on a daily basis. We always think they do it because they just don't care what we think, but perhaps that's how they learned to not care.

I am touched and astounded at how eloquent this entry is. You always make me smile and usually laugh out loud or blow diet pepsi thru my nose, but this was magic of a different kind. I feel like I'm slowly creeping to the peace you have described but not quite there yet. But thank you for helping me articulate it.

love,
g.

Your post made me remember when I was first divorced and raising my sons alone. I'd be up in the middle of the night, and would just sit at the window staring at the road outside - feeling connected to the occasional car driving by and yet completely alone. Although I was worried, stressed and overwhelmed, I remember the feeling of peace that would eventually come to me. Sitting up while everyone slept gave me time to think and learn who I was becoming. Now years later, I really had forgotten about those nights. Your post made me remember, and made me sort of sad that now I don't sit up and be with myself anymore. This really was a beautiful post; I want to print it and reread it every so often to remember that sometimes the middle of the night can provide the opportunity to think about things I can't find time for during the day.

Jeanne

P.S. Glad your got your A/C going; and I love your blog - too funny!

Now I thought I was the only one that could sleep and re-dream like that! I don't sleep a day away any more (who has time!), but I didn't have a wonderful long snooze in this morning with a very nice dream time:)

It sounds like you might be missing the drama, the emotions, the feeling of being on the edge. It's hard when those things leave because in their own strange way they were comforting. When faced with something so emotional, being able to feel is the only thing we have and when the strong emotions subside it leaves a void so strange and having nothing at all to do with knowing yourself. I've been there and one day you'll wake up and forget that you felt so strongly because you'll have something new to feel. Don't know when that day will be and I can't promise, but that was my experience.

I miss my car too. My ex and I were road trip king and queen. This week I find out he's not only totaled my favorite car but he's engaged. Divorce has only been final for four months. I was of course beside myself about the car. Which he still owes money a lot of money on and insurance won't cover because he's an idiot and on top of it some poor mule deer had to die. Some how I didn't miss him so much. But damn I miss that car. And my dog. Bastard.