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July 27, 2005

Hypothetically speaking, AGAIN.

I don't consider myself unlucky.

(Also, I don't consider myself short because I aspire to be tall, so you know. Just consider the source here is all I'm saying.)

Anyway, things happen. Trashcans disappear. Cats puke, occassionally on your tax return. I just always think of it as life: stuff breaks, wine flows, sometimes you find yarn on sale, and maybe you get your car stolen on the same day as your wedding anniversary, the first one you're spending alone because your husband is off getting his creativity back. It happens! Gives a person something to make jokes about. It's life.

My dad used to say that if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all. We all got a big chuckle out of that, until about a year ago when the real bad luck kicked in and good.

After a while, when the bad luck kept coming, it got to be funny. No one can have this surprising amount of bad luck, it's just FUNNY. At first my friends and family kept up the Pollyanna routine, "Well, it could be worse..." and then of course it did get worse, and then I noticed one day people had stopped telling me how the worst was over. They also started saying how they themselves would be fine driving separately in their own car, because I am apparently CURSED. Which I am not. But you know, people spook easy.

Then about a week ago, I was on the phone with my dad, and he got BRILLIANT on me.

Me: blah blah blah

Dad: You know I was thinking. About how people, some people, have good luck and then it runs out?

Me: Yep.

Dad: I suspect it is the same with bad luck. It runs out, too. So you got the bad luck first, and one day it's going to run out. Then all you'll be left with is good luck.

Me: Dad! You're right! And you may be in fact my most favorite person ever to live EVER. I love you. Thank you!

And this is so, so true ya'll. The bad luck totally runs out, I can feel it running out. I'm pretty sure I'll win the lotto and wake up skinny one day and also, maybe four inches taller. Until then, however, I'm still cautious. One can't tempt fate. Fate hates to pass up a temptation.

So, let's say hypothetically you're someone who really believes that things are improving, but based upon your previous experiences (which are many and varied) you are hesitant to do anything really stupid.

And let's say your lawyer sends you the final divorce papers you have to sign on the EXACT SAME DAY your horoscope says Mercury is off retrograding until August 15, and you should never sign any legal agreements when Mercury is in retrograde. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Would you:

A: Acknowledge that living your life based on your horoscope is one step away from the funny farm.

B: Pretend you never read the horoscope and sign the damn papers.

C: Pretend you never got the papers or misplaced them until, oh look! It's August 16th already! Better sign these suckers!

D: Realize that you can, under no circumstances whatsoever, ignore a direct message from GOD who is telling you to wait until August 16th to sign those papers, because if you don't heed your past life experience and your horoscope, you'll end up owing Mr. X money or conversely, stuck in a Mexican jail with no antibacterial hand soap and facing espionage charges because you signed papers when Mercury was in freaking retrograde YOU IDIOT.

Hi! So, yes, I am solidly in the "D" category there, not gonna lie to ya'll. I am not signing those papers until after August 15th. There's no legal reason why I can't wait. It does not affect my outcome or my final divorce date.

And now I have THE REAL DILEMMA, and I need some help.

Let's say you have (hypothetically of course) decided to take advice from YOUR HOROSCOPE and you are not going to sign any legal documents until August 16th because you are many things, including crazy, but STUPID isn't one of them.

Also, you now have to somehow tell your lawyer that he won't have the papers for another month.

Would you:

A: Follow the Live Out Loud creed and tell him straight up that you've had some bad luck (he saw a small portion of The Bad Luck that day in the courtroom, so he should know) and you may sound buckwild crazy ... but your horoscope says don't sign anything until August 16th. And he'll have those papers in hand by August 19th.

B: Tell him you need to send the papers to your dad first before signing, and say he'll have them back in "a week or so."

C: Pretend you didn't get the papers, or misplaced them, and that as soon as you find them you'll mail them off straight away.

D: Insert answer here. help help help I am so embarassed to tell my LAWYER that I am CRAZY yet I CANNOT SIGN those papers and help! Please? anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Help? Anyone?

Posted by laurie at July 27, 2005 9:10 AM