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June 15, 2005

So pretty. You are all so pretty.

1) Do you know how hard it is to type with your furry little asses right in my face and please stop walking on the keyboard? 33hjkshcajbdvjib;wiasdjbc i????

2) Wouldn't it be great if we could get paid for the things we are best at? Like me! Complaining. I AM A COMPLAINING GODDESS. Someone? Pay me?

3) Thanks, Drew.

Yesterday on the phone Drew gave me some party tips. He's completely the Entertaining Guru, the wet dream of dinner parties. Here's what he says:

"First, you need a theme. If your theme is barbecue, you'll want to ... you know... maybe not drop the hamburgers again." Ok, cool!! Because I was unsure about that part! HAH HAH Oh God, please help me. I am so screwed. Why did I decide to have a party???

But Drew rescues me... "I know you're nervous, but just give everyone a job, like, 'Hi, Regina, you're in charge of dessert!'" My God that man is brilliant. Aside from being the Crochet Dude, he is also BRILLIANT because he says that when you spread out the jobs, you spread out the work and ergo, the stress. This makes so much sense!! Drew, I adore you. Please come to my party. Also, Regina? You are so in charge of desserts. Karman? You are in charge of music. Amy? You are in charge of ... um, plying me with alcohol. Jennifer? You are in charge of making sure people have fun. Ellen? You are in charge of bringing the one man (your husband) to the party. NO PRESSURE, HERE, MR. ELLEN! Faith? you are in charge of not going into an allergic reaction to my cats. Carrie? You are responsible for wine. Fill often and fill wisely.

4) Speaking of Drew, HOLY CRAP! He is getting interviewed for Bust Magazine! Also, when we were chitchatting yesterday he told me the cutest thing. Said he'd shaved his goatee in solidarity of me, since Mr. X grew a goatee and left me alone with four cats and my failure issues and he SHAVED the GOATEE. Is there anything better in this world than a man who shaves his goatee in solidarity? By the way, don't ya'll think Drew is the Isaac Mizrahi of crochet? He's supercute, and smart, and fun, and never drops the food. Please come to my party and be the host! I am so nervous I could die! You're better at this than I am! Thank you for being my friend and listening to The Weirdness of The Bad Hostess.

5) Annie.
Ya'll. Annie Modesitt sent me a pattern for her amazing corset and even wrote me an email pep talk about how I could really make something pretty, and usable, and wearable, because she is SNOWED into thinking I am a real knitter. Which I want to be and WILL BE one day. Also, Annie? Move to California. Please!

6) Work killing me. Send wine.

7) Oh looky! Got wine! Whoops! My bad.

8) Jennifer. With the Ethel? I love you.

9) Notice the wine kicking in? See how I LUUUURVE everyone?

10) Wednesday is coming. Like, when you read this, it will BE Wednesday. And me? With the housecleaning and party prep schedule and so on? Such a hermit! All I can do is drink wine and smoke on the patio!! Because me? LAME. and also, BAD HOSTESS. My parents take party planning seriously. They repaint and hire contractors and put Corian in the kitchen and me? I think having guests over means cleaning the catbox and showering. GAH!!!!!

11) Not supposed to be an eleven on top ten lists.

12) But wine, whatever.

13) There was a tsunami alert for Los Angeles county and me? I have the bad tidal wave nightmares? All I could think was, "GREAT. How the fuck am I going to get all four cats in the carriers and drive to "higher ground" without getting a DUI and does DUI count if you are in a tidal wave?

14) Screw Mr. X and June 30th and Saturn and all of it. Will I really be divorced when the court date is over? Also, I am fat and wasn't he supposed to see me skinny like Kate Moss and wearing... um, like, Prada or something? Instead I will be in some lame black pants and lame shirt and not Kate Moss and SCREW HIM! Hate you, divorcing man. SO NOT INVITED to my party.

15) Also, now the cats pooped and the office is too smelly to type so time to say goodbye. Hotdamn it stinks in here.


Posted by laurie at June 15, 2005 1:18 AM