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June 3, 2005

Let Us Never Speak Of This Again.

Hey! Guess what I learned today! I learned that when you have had no coffee and it is 5:30 in the a.m. and you're on the bus to downtown Los Angeles, whatever you do ... NEVER EVER try to pick up your knitting in the middle of a decrease row because guess what! You will be still half-asleep and dreaming of donuts and you'll just knit, knit, knit and completely forget you're supposed to be decreasing!

And then guess what I learned! NEVER EVER remove your row marker while attempting to fix the mess, even though you think you'll slip it back on in just a sec because you? Still dreaming of donuts, remember? And you? Not really using the thinking part of the brain. AND YOU WILL FORGET THAT MARKER. And then all that amazing knitting you did yesterday in bad traffic on the 101 where you made almost a whole hat? It will be really really screwed up!

green-ribbyhat-fauxpas1.jpg


green-ribbyhat-fauxpas2.jpg


So, anyway, I don't want to talk about my hat.

And I have software training again all day which means I can't just go hole up in a conference room with my hat-mess and some coffee and fix it, even though you know I will be obsessing over this hat problem ALL DAY ("Huh? Me? Oh right. Hi, yes. The new software. Yes. Excellent. No decrease rows. Love it!") I blame all of this on Karl Rove. No, I don't know exactly how he's responsible, I just know that he is responsible. We'll work out the details later, after all, we're Democrats! Go with me on this, folks.

Also, let's talk about some other things that are better left unsaid.

Yesterday I defrosted half a cow from my freezer and I was so damn excited to come home and make some steak and maybe serve it with a ... I don't know... a broccoli spear or something, and complete a Healthy and also Totally Not Fried day. I would be so skinny just from eating one day of low carbs. I was convinced. (Also, if you have some suspect real estate to sell, I'm your gal! Can't you just see the blinking neon GULLIBLE MORON sign on my forehead?) (Told ya'll I had a big forehead.)

Except, me? With the steak? The one I defrosted and looked forward to eating? Well, it seemed a little odd to fire up the charcoal grill just for one steak, no matter how huge a steak it may be, even though ya'll know I do love to barbecue. As my Uncle Truman says, "Show me a Southern girl who cannot barbecue and I will show you an orphan!"

And I believe this to be the God's Honest Truth because even those Southern belles who claim they cannot barbecue would be able to whip up some dinner on an open flame if they had to. I have seen it with my own eyes at 4-H camp. Us delicate little Southern girls just pretend we don't know how to barbecue because, really, nothing looks hotter than a man cooking some meat over a fire. But as soon as Guy Who Thinks He Can Barbecue goes inside to get a beer, we're over at the grill turning the meat THE RIGHT WAY.

But I digress.

So there I was, alone in my kitchen with a side of beef, and I felt silly making a big barbecue just for me, and I peppered and seasoned that cow and put it in a foil pan and stuck it under the broiler.

BIG MISTAKE.

Because broilers? They are located in the Kitchen, which gives me hives. And broilers? They are powerful and maybe EVIL things, just waiting to catch shit on FIRE and if you just for even a little teeny minute go out on your patio to maybe have a glass of wine and talk on the phone, the broiler will CHAR and DESTROY everything in its path.


charredsteak1.jpg

charredsteak2.jpg

So, I don't want to talk about that either. Because you know I ended up having a wine the size of my head and a piece of pizza for dinner.

OK, I have to go now, off to the training lab, and ya'll I won't get to blogstalk anyone (again) or email (again) and all I will be able to do is pretend I'm not sitting there in the lab, still thinking of donuts, and trying to count stitches in my head.

But ya'll have a Happy Friday! And don't go near the broiler!


Posted by laurie at June 3, 2005 7:50 AM