Buy yourself a new teeny tiny camera. It can soothe a host of ills. Oh, and some Calamine.

I have photos of my new baby in my blog -- woo hoo!
Plus some photos for you that I think might have gotten overlooked in the rush of birthday greetings.

(wow -- I'm first? Hoorah!)

Check your bedroom for spiders. Usually, if it is any consolation, spiders bites don't itch as much as hurt. (Yeah, thanks Laura.) I bet the whole butt-itching thing is just a result of a wayward mosquito.

Good luck with the divorce proceedings. Sorry that you are in the middle of this crap. But, you know what they say - I really have no idea who "they" is: there is no to get there but through it.

Yer funny!!!!

I suspect you were visited by a skeeter...

Why is it these things happen when we're so stressed?

....um, oh, maybe because we're so stressed.

Try toothpaste on Zelda tonight, and benedryl lotion for the bug bites...

I can't believe they blocked WebMD...how dare they?

Hey! Miss cant_talk_knitting! I cant_post_on_your_blog because it's set for only blogger peoples! WAAAHHHH. Bah.

Hey, I think you look great. And Zelda too! Some bugbite solidarity: I too get random bites, and I also panic because I live in MEXICO!! Can you just imagine the nasty tropical diseases for which I am at risk???!! Right now I have one on my calf that is white in the middle and splotchy all over...hmm.

OH, that's lame -- I will see if there is anyway to correct that!

Geez -- me again. Have successfully navigated the Blogger page to allow anyone and their sister to comment.

Good luck in court. Just keep a weird smile on your face so that he doesn't know what the hell is so funny. Ya know, the sarcastic kind of smile. You will be fine...Zelda and all.

oh but the highlights are beautiful and distracting from Zelda (sorry Zelda - love you and your sisters, Zoe and Zinnia, who are taking up residence on my face!)

Also? I have gotten random skeeto bites in the night too. Fair skinned girls are more prone, did you know that? Must be able to see the sweet sugary blood coursing through my veins in my nearly translucent skin better. I currently have one on my thigh and scratching through my pants is not very satisfying, but am trying to have enough work propriety to keep my hands out of my pants.

I'll let you know how that works out for me.

yes, toothpaste tonight on Zelda! and ice cubes!

love your blog! good luck tomorrow!

toothpaste? No - windex!!! Didn't you see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"??

Alls I can say is, man, I wish you had the cube next to mine. We could go make it a martini-lunch day.

Right, cause that happens at my office. :)

From what you've described, it must be scabies. You have all the classic symptoms....

Thanks Drew. You've really helped. Truly.

Zelda - can hardly see her.
I wish you well tomorrow.

Firstly, your hair is looking GREAT!

Secondly, you can go to CVS after work and get one of those on the spot overnight thingies, apply the hell out of it, and there should be significant improvement in the morning. The rest of your skin is perfect, so you're not really allowed to whine about one spot, ;-)

Thirdly, have you checked the kitties? Over the weekend ours, horror of horrors, started displaying signs of needing their summer flea treatments YESTERDAY. Could those be the biting culprits??

PS We have one more cat than you - I know how expensive the treatments are - I can tell you where to get Advantage cheap if you need a drug dealer, LOL.

if you figure out where the heck your bug bite came from, let me know. you can be all nancy drew and figure out how i got two, count 'em, two bug bites, one on either hip.
A. my hips never see the light of day.
2. why in hell are they symmetrical?

As gross as this is going to sound.. I promise you that it is a foolproof method and Zelda will be nearly unnoticable tomorrow.

Go to the drug store and by a tupe of Preparation H. Apply to Zelda and watch the redness disappear and the swelling shrink.

Then go out and buy a fantabulous outfit for your day in court tomorrow and really knock the socks off of the ex and maybe score a date with an uber cute lawyer! :D

I'm always happy to help! =)

Now about that coffee....

Weird... Jenn it looks like your comment and mine were posted at the same time and your name is on mine and mine on yours!

Hey! Once again, you made me laugh way before noon! I agree with the Prep H comment although how embarrassing to be buying Prep H? You'll have to tell the zitty counter guy - "it's for my zits! Really!" Can't wait for wig shoppin'

Here's another vote for toothpaste. It really does work. Although make sure you remove the toothpaste before leaving the house (not that I have any personal experience with doing this )

Sorry about the bites. I am currently tring to figue out how to get rid of the mosquitos IN MY OFFICE that have bitten me 5 times already.

Good luck tomorrow!!

Zelda gets a name, but the ass-bites are anonymous? Unfair!

Julie is right - the Preparatin H will do wonders. It is also a quick fix if you ever wake up with bags under your eyes. Dab a little on each bag about 20-30 minutes before you put on your make-up. You'd be amazed at the difference. (And yes, unfortunately, I know from experience.)

My personal solution to overnight zit recovery is a steam facial with Swiss Kriss, followed by a dab of baking soda paste. Just pour some boiling water over the Swiss Kriss, let it steep a few minutes, then put a towel over your head and steam away. Of course, given that it's a gazillion degrees out in your neck of the woods, you might just pass out.

When I went to divorce court, I found the whole thing less troubling than one would expect, because the other people there were so fascinating. I spent the hour or so I had to wait around looking at the other people, trying to figure out who was divorcing whom. This was so much fun I wasn't worried about my own minute in front of the judge. Also, in general, the women looked fine, and the men looked miserable. There was even a woman who danced down the aisle when her divorce was granted (the husband wasn't there, it was an abandonment situation). She was elated. Just look at it as an interesting experience, a chance to get a glimpse into people's lives, and it will be over before you know it.

that hand sanitizer stuff helps take itch out too...
hey it could be worse..you could have a goatee!!
You do crack me up girl.....

Cheryl

Luv you Laurie! You made me laugh so much to the point of tears streaming down my face. Don't believe Drew for one second, it's not scabies, but I'm sure it's probably West Nile or more likely Ebola. You look marvelous dahlin! Don't sweat it. With that attitude, you can conquer anything.

No offense, but you need to chill out. The more you freak, the more funny things your skin will do. Drink water tonight and rest and you'll look good tomorrow.

Pre-court date hysteria can really mess with your mind, your skin, your digestion, your cycle....Don't let it get you. The actual day will be so boring you'll weep with reaction. Everyone in divorce court looks grubby. Really. You can post a description later of just how shabby Mr. X looks with his scraggly goatee, pasty skin yellow in the institutional light....

Good luck.

i wanted to post about how awesome your hair looks, but felt maybe it was inappropriate what with your Impending Doom and Possible Ebola, but then i read the existing comments and it turns out loads of them reference the fantasticality of your hair as well. i am VERY JEALOUS of your hair. no one will look at zelda, as they will all be marvelling at how shiny and perfect your hair looks. my hair will be sulking in a corner, feeling inadequate and mousey.

Ok, first, GORGEOUS hair, Laurie. It'll dee-stract from Zelda surely.

Secondly, the blubbering will end. I promise. It's important to believe that AND keep letting it out.

Thirdly, you rock.

:-) Lorrian

It's weird. My hair looks better in photos than it does in person. Stupid one-trick-pony hair.

Preparation H? Really? Eeeeeew. But fascinating!

Actually, scabies (or The Itch) usually shows up between the fingers. Yes I remember this from 4th grade health lesson about ailments involving parasites and nutritional deficiency like pellagra and scurvy and ringworm. Your hair looks fab, by the way--so shiny and the highlights will dazzle and befuddle the brains of any zit-noticers!

Toothpaste (for zits)! Preferably the blue kind. Works wonders (or may be a placebo thing...) I get those mysterious bug bites too - though not being anywhere near mosquitoes anymore I'm also baffled. Maybe toothpaste for that too?

I love your blog (and your hair!) - always makes me laugh. Which makes my coworkers think I'm crazy.

Dear God, Woman! Can people see you when you're taking these photos of yourself? They're a riot. If the bug bites start to ooze anything, or if you suddenly see blood... it means you've been scratching too darned hard!

BTW - I've seen scabies (not on me - on a kid at the pharmacy where I worked, whose mother asked me, as aforementioned kid leaned all over the counter, if I thought the kid had scabies, er, f*ck yes! now step back so I can disinfect the counter! Jeebus!) and I don't think you have scabies. But you might be growing a second head there. Divorce zit be darned. It's a clone. I know, because I've got one growing on my chin.

Hi! long time stalker, first time commenter. Love you!

I was just thinking, if you do choose to use the Preparation H, maybe you could bring it with you to court, and sort of, um, leave it on the table in front of Mr. X? Because, well, you know.

Beauty Tips 101: Yes, Krickit is right, Preparation H works. However, to tighter up and/or close a zit, wrinkle, bag, etc. use Preparation H COOL GEL. To moisturize those wrinkles, use Prepartion H OINTMENT. I swear by it! Didn't you say that I look 10 years younger than I really am?

Good luck tomorrow, Sweetie...you'll be fine! Woo Hoo...freedom soon!

ooh...i like the prep h idea from previous comment. big ole slap in the face for mr. hemoroid. god knows i didn't spell that right but you get it. good luck in court and maybe if zelda won't leave you can use hair as a distraction or what about posing with hand like rodin's thinker...a very contemplative you...could score kudos with the judge.

Your hair does too look that good in real life. I like Mary's Prep H strategy. Perhaps we should also bring a set of cajones and perhaps a conscience and put those on the table for him -- he needs those even more.

You have gorgeous hair and skin, and I’m sure one of these solutions posted here will get rid of Zelda. I woke up with four mysterious bites on my left arm one morning last week and then two more BIG RED ones on my back a few nights later. My boyfriend and neighbors have also been suffering random and grotesque itchy bites of some kind. Is there a bug season in LA? Anyway, good luck in court tomorrow. Knock ‘em dead!

Good Luck tomorrow. I thought you should know the even when you are the one who initially wanted the divorce (me), you still cry when it is "officially" over. Don't worry, time heals.

Oh, and the best thing to wear would be black on black...very slimming...and symbolic too. But wear something colorful and happy for Friday - your first day of Freedom! :-D

Your blog makes my day.

I was going to recommend a largish dose of vitamin C to head off any other sister zits, and a dose of benedryl creme for the bug bites. The prep. H suggestion sounds like it'll work.

DO consider leaving the rest of the ointment on the table in front of Mr. X., subliminal messages are important.

Your hair does look nice, just bat your eyes, swing your hair and do your best "li'l ol' me" Southern accent.

Mr. X is destined to be fertilizer... the cheap kind.

My vote is, unfortunately, fleas. Wash your bedding ASAP. Nasty little buggers will hide out in your clothes & bedding and bite you when they think you're not paying attention! I'm one of the tasty folk to fleas - heck, I get them before my ferret does!?

Oh god, Laurie, you're killing me. Of COURSE I know of the hypochondria of which you speak. I am confident that you are doing fine and that the bug bites were mostly done in your sleep, with a rogue insect in your pjs. It's happened to me many a time, my love.

Oh you are indeed hilarious.

On the Zelda front, may I suggest Queen Helene Mint Julep mask? Okay, don't gag at the name, but it's really so effective. Leave it on as a spot treatment overnight.

MOsies! What lurks in your area? what was that sign you showed us all?
Just wait until the itchy lumps show up in your armpit and you sit there scratching your armpit and your butt.... so Klassy!
Good luch for the morrow - I would've thought it would be easyish getting unhitched but maybe that is in Oz where there is no contest and no custody (sorry, the courts aren't so fussed about cats here as kids)

Your hair is GORGEOUS!

And I swear by Mario Budesco's Drying Potion. And I love the suggestion about people watching in court instead of worrying about your divorce--it'll happen, the same way that millions of them have happened before. Chin Up.

Prep H appears to be the potion of the gods for zits according to Christina Ricci and Jennifer Love Hewitt (so sayeth my bible: In Style magazine). On a more pedestrian note, I've had success with 1) a cotton pad soaked in witch hazel, left on for about 5 minutes, 2)OTC cortisone cream overnight, and then 2) Physican's Formula Wonderful Wand in a custard yellow as a concealer the next morning, under my regular tinted foundation. But since Chris and Jen have much more successful careers, I'd go Prep H.

Just hold a chunk of hair in your mouth. Always worked for me in jr. high.

Heehehhehee...

sorry but you're such a funny, fun person. Mr X must have hated fun...better rid of such a wet rag I say.

The bigger boobs belonged to a bully of a man...hows that for a cryptic comment.

You look GORGEOUS L.!! The hair is bee-u-t-full!!!
Make sure that you bring some friends with you to court the whisk you away afterwards, while louding making comments such as, "Oh my G-D, your finally rid of the loser! Let the party begin! Woo-hoo!!"

Also, on a completely different note (ADD anyone?), have you thought about doing Podcasts? You'd be so hilarious on there and you know all of your stalkers can't get enough of you! hint-hint

Prep H... I'll have to try that next time around. I'd heard it was good for undereye puffiness, too.

Court will go well tomorrow. Just remember that the only two people to whom you must speak are your lawyer and the judge. Bring your knitting - a hat is perfect.

knitting is good..

make sure it looks like a hat tho, and not a noose...

resist temptation.

knit the noose at home.

Honey, you are in the hot zone. Might I suggest a big plastic coverall of some sort?

But really, Zelda is fine. She's quite likely to get rid of herself. You will be victorious. Let's get facials at Aveda after you are all done with the hair facially challenged one.

Good luck tomorrow. I'm told (I'd never try it myself for basic biological reasons)that a swift kick in the nuts can work wonders to lift a womans spirits on a stressful day. I'm not sure why it doesn't work for men. Give my best to Zelda!
T.

P.S.
http://www.calpoison.org/public/spiders.html#5
shows all the other woderful possible explanations for your bites. I'm betting its a jumping wolf recluse spider (its a dangerous hybrid). Probably a female, cuz those are ALWAYS more dangerous ;-)

Hi -- I just stumbled on your site today and as a 31-year-old just divorced person, wanted to say I know what you're going through ... and it really will get better. I didn't believe it a year after my ex left, but it is true. Hang in there. And good luck in court.

The woman that saw someone dancing out of court? Could have been me, except my X showed up. After court, I stopped people in the street to say, "Hi! I'm DIVORCED!!!"

Divorces are traumatic but not fatal. You are beautiful. I highly recommend writing about what you are looking forward to and how smart you are getting from all this life experience. You don't have to write it here... just accumulate the savvy!

It is true that your hair is so fabulous one barely notes Zelda at all.

I have sympathy zits! This morning I woke up with Sam the sympathy zit!

Ok let me just say that after my bed bug infestation (YES THEY EXIST) anything having to do with bug bites and itching FREAKS me out. Bed Bugs are the WORST things in the world to deal with and now I'm itching myself at work just thinking about them. UGH Don't get bed bugs. So here's hoping you don't have them!!!

Here's hoping Mr. X does have them!! :) Good Luck in court and you're amazing!!

I'm gonna dissent here and say LEAVE ZELDA ALONE. Right now she is smaller than your little fingers tell you, but after applications of al this stuff and the accompanying poking & prodding, she may look as bad as you imagine. Right now, s'nothin'.

Bug bites -- pain receptors & itch receptors are the same (I learned this when I had hives from neck to thighs... for weeks...), so ice & Advil will help. In a pinch, deodorant helps stop itching too.

Overheard in an 18-mile-race: "The day my divorce was finalized was the happiest day of my life." And unless you grow a goatee and get a bad dye job, you're going to look exactly as you should -- way too good for him.

I can sympathize with you about the zits...I am 35, is this ever going to end? I have one the size of Texas on my forehead. I thought when puberty stopped the Zelda's would just go away...nope. Florida loves you girl!

I just thought I'd share with you that the day I filed my divorce papers would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary.

I, ahem, marked this special occasion by going to the bar at The Oldest Restaurant In The United States, drinking 5 salty dogs, and vomiting on the T (Boston mass transit) during rush hour. As luck would have it, a co-worker was on the train, too, and he bought me a bottle of water when I got off the train to vomit some more. I offered to give the bottle back to him, but for whatever reason, he didn't want it...

When my ex and I went to the actual divorce hearing, I marked the occasion by buying myself a ridiculously expensive pair of shoes. Much, much better...They are my divorce shoes. They are black, incredibly pointy, and very tall.

Good luck today.

*hugs from Boston*

Keep making the "crazy eyes" and nobody will notice Zelda--

Except in court, of course, then make the "innocent, sweet darling girl" eyes.

I found myself picking my nose today...while talking to a co-worker. *shudder*

Well I get zits just by thinking so I can sympathise- they always come up for a photo or important event don't they?
I love the hat you made, though we can't get that wool in england.
Good luck with the divorce
fi x

Hi Laurie -

I thought about you and your court date today. I hope it wasn't too awful. I'm sure nobody saw your zit and despite your complaints about the weight and the crazy, you still look cute, and you got all of us pulling for you.

Chris in MN

I wish they didn't call them court "dates", you know? It's confusing . . .

"Ergo, the scratching was not purely recreational..."

Hm...I think I chose that for gym class in high school one quarter...right before badminton...

Laurie I just stopped by to see if you had posted today about your court date; I hope it wasn't too horrible, I hope you're all right. :)

Laurie,
I hope you are doing okay. I hope you are on some wild long weekend and just don't have time between taking sips of your poolside libations to blog...we stalkers are missing you!

Hi Laurie: Just wanting to let you know I've been sending good thoughts your way. Hoping that you and Zelda are well. Well, you anyway - hoping Zelda has passed on.

:-) Lorrian