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June 29, 2005

Just your average Wednesday in CRAZYVILLE.

Do you see the SIZE of this thing?

The photo does not truly convey the horror or the enormity -- and yet it is still clearly visible even with seventeen pounds of cover-up, foundation and powder on it. I am so SCREWED.

Every ten minutes I have to make a furtive status check in my compact mirror to see if the Big Divorce Zit has faded. (Let me assure you IT HAS NOT.) So far this morning, I've managed to work blemish patrol in with my frantic work schedule -- all preparation for being out of the office tomorrow for the first of what may be many court dates. (Untying this damn knot is going to be a lengthy and untidy process.) If anything, the Big Divorce Zit has gotten BIGGER, so I suspect that me and my boil are partners to the bitter end.

Of course I named her. Since we're going to court together an all. Zelda. Zelda the Zit. Love you, Zelda!

One would think this would be the extent of my physical deterioration prior to court. ONE WOULD BE WRONG.

At about half past early thirty I went into the ladies room and caught a glimpse of myself in the big floor-to-ceiling mirror, and people, I was -- unbeknownst to myself, busy as I was with work and meetings and flurries of phone calls and crazy emails and inspecting my face in my compact mirror -- I was unconsciously scratching my own ass.

Well, not my ass ASS per se, more like the left hip, sort of up and to the side, which is almost, pretty much, your ASS.

Then I realized I was not just scratching, I WAS ITCHING. In the general upper hip/thigh/ass region. Ergo, the scratching was not purely recreational, it was because SOMETHING HAD ATTACKED ME.

Once inside the stall, I dropped trou and immediately began to inspect my itchy side of hip (almost-ass), whereupon I discovered not ONE, not TWO, but indeed THREE BUG BITES that may or may not be fatal.

For people like me, who cannot multi-task with their craziness due to the large volume of NEUROSES and WORRY and also TALKING that has to occur at any given moment, there is the crucial dilemma of which particular worry to concentrate on primarily. For example:

1. Where the HELL was I hanging out, geographically speaking, that I could be bitten by a bug that had time to snack on my entire left thigh/butt? Like a smorgasbord of butt-biting? Where on EARTH did this attack occur? Work? Car? In bed while I was asleep like a little angel of Jesus? On the patio while I was smoking like a little minion of satan? where? WHERE?

2. What the HELL was this bug? Mosquito? Spider? Scabies? Perhaps some unnamed paramecium with teeth living in my drains? Gnome bugs? Good Lord have mercy on me and do not let it be a big scabies!

3. Which particular disease do I now have from unnamed mystery bug? West Nile? Monkeypox? Ebola? And why the hell is Web M.D. blocked by the firewall, do they not KNOW I HAVE ISSUES? And, possibly, EBOLA?

4. And is it indeed true that I have been scratching my ass all morning without being cognizant of said ass-scratching?

So, as you can see, I have a very busy rest of my day ahead of me. I have to somehow live through the torment that has been cursed upon me, with the bugs and the evil biting and the itching, and also try to stop looking in the mirror every three seconds, and also try to get ahead on my to-do list for work because they do not pay me to scratch my heinie, oddly enough, and then after work I have to go find something to wear in court that will distract from both the size of my aforementioned (possibly west nile) backside and also my large pimplenator.

Ya'll can see what Zelda and I are struggling with. We are just worn out from it all.

(Attempts to hide Zelda with hair somewhat successful.)

Posted by laurie at June 29, 2005 9:01 AM