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June 01, 2005
Hor-O-Scopes: June 2005
June. Astrology. I still haven't decided about Hor-O-Scopes and their place in knitting, crazy cat lady stuff, whining, wine, and the general poor grammar of my personal manifesto here. But I like doing hor-o-scopes for now and I'm so damn excited about Saturn leaving on July 16 I could just pee my pants. Saturn has tried to kick my ass, along with the collective asses of Sag and Gemini and Capricorns, too, and I really think I'm going to hold a little Bon Voyage & Thanks For All The Crap! party at my house come mid-July.
Not that I have any bitterness. Damn planet of hellfire and brimstone. Mumble mumble.
And, you know, don't let your babies grow up to be astrologers. Don't let 'em light candles and write their own stuff, let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Imagine you're a novel. Part romance, part mystery, part B-list horror. If you want to increase the number of steamy pages between your covers, you'll need to start making your own plotlines and conjure up some serious dialogue this summer. Start small, by picking out a love interest. Oh, wait. You're already one step ahead of me! June is the month to get your butt in the car for a little road trip so the novel of your life contains some travel and adventure, too.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Pisces esta en la casa. Yes, that's right, Pisces is in the house this month! And in the closet, the garage, the bathroom and the kitchen. Every time you turn around you'll see your humble abode as one big Trading Spaces Marathon. Rather than focusing on the imperfections of your home and getting bogged down in detail, show your annoying inner critic the door and change the locks while you're at it. If you loosen up the perfectionism a bit, you will free your artistic side -- or at least channel Bob Vila from time to time.
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
If you put up with anymore shit this month I'm seriously going to suggest you invest in a big pair of rubber boots and start calling yourself a pig farmer. What is it with people lately and their obsession with mud-slinging crapfests? Until your name is on the Presidential ballot, declare your life a rumor-free zone. If people want to take potshots at you, tell them to do it to your face or get a new hobby. Then take a well-deserved vacation mid-summer and to hell with 'em.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Have you ever heard of the literary term "the hole in the narrative?" It's the description of a piece of literature that has a missing piece -- the narrator or the main character or the plot itself is simply missing. And you have to fill it in. Your life for the past few months has had a hole in the narrative. Until now, you weren't sure what thread held all the pieces together, because it was the one element totally hidden from you. The bad news is that I don't know what's missing either. The good news is that you'll have no trouble finding it yourself by July 28, even though you may discover someone in your inner circle isn't quite the person your thought they were. More good news: Money money money. Money! Neptune is in your corner and your bank account will enjoy it!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
The famous and rather ill-fated Southern writer Ambrose Bierce once said that beauty is "the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." Ya'll know all mysteriously dead Southern writers are telling the truth about beauty. That is a fact. Attraction could launch a thousand ships, stop a clock and at the same time drive a person mad. This has always fascinated me. Everyone within a ten-mile reach of a Gemini this month will get a taste of attraction, since you have the charm and beauty planets aligning in your favor. You'll also benefit from Saturn leaving my sign -- Cancer -- and you'll have more opportunity for throwing money at your beauty bag by mid-July.
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Dear Diary, I'm about tired of this Saturn shit. Saturn has been screwing up my life for almost two years now and I have had ENOUGH. I am so ready for my new boyfriend, Mars. Mars is coming to make sweet love to my house of success starting June 11. And Saturn? Yeah he's trying to stick around. Like the smell of old fish. But come hell or high water, Saturn will leave my house on July 16th and I am throwing a party, FAREWELL BASTARD SATURN!! As usual, us Cancers are looking forward to our birthdays, too, so we can make lists of all the things we need to be and do and have in the coming year. Diary, Birthday Resolutions are so much more powerful than New Year's Resolutions. Don't you agree?
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Your forecast is actually quite simple, not only for the month of June but for the whole damn rest of the year -- stop spending so much time in your own head. Sing out loud, ask questions, say "Yes" when you mean YES and "No" when you mean NO. Work will be a heavy hitter in your life this month and maybe even a little stressful, so when you need to talk ... don't wait for the phone to ring. Instead, try this really ancient Chinese secret: pick up the phone yourself and make the call. Ask for what you need. All this self-analysis and soul-searching really boils down to one thing: We can't read your mind!! We're just a bunch of regular zodiac joes, and you have to be patient with us. Thanks! We really do appreciate it!
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Some people get really fixated on little things, like dust mites. Small, not able to be seen with the naked eye, but ever present and totally annoying. Sound familiar? Your fixations and anxiety are your choice -- don't while away your time and energy this month trying to eliminate a million tiny worries. Instead try this: Pick one big worry, and choose five minutes a day to consciously worry about it. Really concentrate. When your five minutes are up, let it go. (Well, hey, it's worth a try!) With two perfectly aligned full moons in the next six weeks, you're going to have more exciting offers than you can shake a stick at, all career- and job-related and all pretty good. Unless you treat them like dust mites and worry worry worry them to death.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
If I had to associate you with a summer movie right now, we'd probably be showing a cross between National Lampoon's Vacation and Jaws 3 (in 3-D no less!) I'm not suggesting you'll be attacked by a shark driving a station wagon, I'm just saying that you'll have your fair share of travel and adventure before summer is out ... if you don't let your fear of mishaps and near-disasters keep you from getting out of the house. There will be some challenges to your plans that may lead to a slight June Gloom, but by mid-July you will be able to look back and laugh it all off (in 3-D, no less!)
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Count up your nickels and dimes, ya'll, because the mantra this month is "money." Or, rather, the total lack thereof. Don't even bother looking through that catalogue -- and put the mouse down right now! Bad eBay, bad! Relegate your credit cards to the underwear drawer for all of June or you'll be crying in your generic brand Cheerios come July. Cheer up, summer is one of the few times it's easy to be broke -- the great outdoors is calling, and it requires fewer clothes. Plus, Mars is moving on in and making you feel all healthy and energetic so the money crunch won't feel like a complete vise grip.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You know that strategy you've developed for dealing with your life when it seems peculiarly murky and incomprehensible? The one where you lock yourself up in your room with the covers pulled up to your head and watch reruns of "Divorce Court" while groaning from time to time? I hate to be the one to tell you, but your plan won't work this month. The reason? Saturn. Saturn is finally, finally about to leave and you need to be alive and kicking to see it go! Crawl out of hiding, grab a notebook and a pen and plant yourself somewhere outdoors this month for serious contemplate-your-navel time. Don't miss the opportunity to soak in what you think you're missing. Saturn is leaving! By July 16th you won't even remember "Divorce Court." Really!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Any little change will make you feel slightly out-of-step this month, and that's a very, very good thing. All these little quirks that upset your daily routine will just illuminate a hidden gem of your Capricorn Personality To-Do List that you've either checked off or made serious strides on achieving. What I'm saying here is that you've changed a lot more than you give yourself credit for, and when Saturn leaves us (bye Saturn! Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!) you'll be able to clearly take stock of where you are and where you need to go. More semi-good-news: Another full moon in Capricorn in July will finally wrap up that one nagging situation you just can't seem to control.
Posted by laurie at June 1, 2005 12:31 PM
Comments
So I can blame Saturn for all the crap tht life has been throwing at me recently? Cool. (Fucking planet.) Then again, I'm on the cusp of Taurus/Gemini, is it moving next door?
Posted by: Kat at June 1, 2005 12:49 PM
Damn Saturn! I like the part about birthday resolutions sticking more than the New Years' ones. So true! Cancers rock btw, thanks for the hor-o-scope. :o)
Posted by: Savannah at June 1, 2005 12:53 PM
Saturn! I never knew THAT was who was causing all of this.. (agreed Cancers do rock ;) ) Thankees Laurie!
Posted by: zib at June 1, 2005 12:56 PM
Whew! As a Cancer with a nasty two years behind me, I'm SO ready for a change! How about a virtual party on July 16 for all the Cancers? We could send pictures to you, Laurie, and you could post them. I'm ready to kick out the bastard too!
Posted by: Amy at June 1, 2005 01:00 PM
Amy, that is an awesome idea!!!!!
Posted by: laurie at June 1, 2005 01:03 PM
Good riddance to Saturn!
Posted by: Janis at June 1, 2005 01:04 PM
stupid bloody saturn! i totally make birthday resolutions instead of new year's resolutions, too.
Posted by: jenn at June 1, 2005 01:13 PM
Oooo, I just found this in reference to yesterday's post and thought I would mention it here since we all A) seem unhappy about our weight and B) because some of us who read this blog knit! Here it is, a "Knit'n'fit" group!
http://ca.groups.yahoo.com/group/KNITnFIT/?yguid=184772704
Very cool.
Posted by: Savannah at June 1, 2005 01:14 PM
Wheeee! I'm a Taurus and I could use some cash coming my way! I like your horoscopes!
Hugs and kisses to Jennifer's Ethel.
Posted by: Pegasus at June 1, 2005 01:32 PM
I'm a Cancer too!!! ME TOO ME TOO!!!!!!!! Include me!! June 26 I'll be 29.
We deserve a better next two years.
Posted by: Valerie at June 1, 2005 01:41 PM
Dear All Seeing, Crazy Aunt Purlie:
You know, my instinct was to do something, but I didn't. I will now say YES when I mean YES and NO when I mean NO!!! I'm ready to get out of my head, it's cramping my style. And I will put the ancient Chinese Secret into practice. Stand back, hear me roar!
xxoXoxx,
A greatful Leo
Posted by: Christie at June 1, 2005 01:44 PM
WOW! That's like the most perfect hor-O-scope I could've had! Fits me to a tee!
But can't we Cappys blame EVERYTHING on Saturn? All the time?
Thank you. I really hope this is true for me. It would be such a relief.
Posted by: Cara at June 1, 2005 01:53 PM
I love your blog, that's the first thing. The second is that my horoscope (Aries) was spot on. Summer project: standing up for myself.
Posted by: anna at June 1, 2005 01:56 PM
You are now channeling Linda Goodman...girl, you are a crack-up!
Posted by: Regina aka LadyLinoleum at June 1, 2005 02:16 PM
Another Cancer here, and I LOVE that hor0scope. My last two years have been VERY hard (so were the two before that, actually) so I'm SO ready to kick Saturn outta my life. I feel better already!
Posted by: Catherine at June 1, 2005 02:28 PM
Count me in on the virtual party for Cancers in July. I'm also relieved to learn that these last hard, hard years weren't just me. So Saturn is to blame.... Meanwhile, I think you should syndicate yourself: with horoscopes, knitting, travel, pet care, party tips and weight loss, you're a whole magazine in one person.
Posted by: Anne at June 1, 2005 02:38 PM
I am so there for the Cancer party! As yet another Cancer, I too have had enough of the past two years and am ready for some GOOD THINGS and GOOD TIMES!!!! Yay for HOR-O-Scopes!
Posted by: Grace at June 1, 2005 02:42 PM
Hey, I'm a SAGITTARIUS! Now, its true that I'm more of an American Justice watcher than divorce court, but god knows I'd like to be hidden in bed about now. Damn, damn, damn work. If I go outside I'll get sunburned. And the damn evil work people will get me. must hide. Help.
Posted by: Gail at June 1, 2005 02:57 PM
I just knew there was a good explanation for the last two years. Thanks for clairvoyafying for me. ;)
Posted by: ~drew emborsky~ at June 1, 2005 03:03 PM
Taurus here. Kinda weirds me out that your hor-o-scope for me is dead on. Especially since this time I did *not* read your blog before making my post. And, I like knowing that I get a deadline: July 28th - I can handle that waiting that long to figure out what's been going on with me. Thanks!
:)
Posted by: wenders at June 1, 2005 03:38 PM
I am SO stealing your Leo and your Cappy. This is priceless!
Posted by: La at June 1, 2005 04:07 PM
This is thorough genius. CAP, you have a future in writing ahead of you. Fame, fortune, enough money to keep Saturn permanently out of your house. I say go for it!
Posted by: laurie at June 1, 2005 04:09 PM
Wow - that Gemini is soooo Nathan! And don't tell me that I will have no money this month cos I got the fibrefest on Sunday (maybe that is why I'll have no money this month!). It isn't even summer here with the great outdoors to make up for it!
LOL
Posted by: Lynne S of Oz at June 1, 2005 04:16 PM
Well, let's do it then, Laurie...let me know if I can help in some way.
Posted by: Amy at June 1, 2005 05:42 PM
Laurie --
I love your horoscopes. I find mine (Libra) to be mysterious in a good sort of way. and my husband's (Scorpio) to be on the mark already! His father, who has been helping us out financially told us to leave and not let the door hit us in the ass after letting my husband know that he has messed up at everything he's ever done and he's stupid. God, please let me not strike a 75-year old millionaire down on his own front steps ... at least not with witnesses! So, yup we are poor with 4 cats (I'm very sexy) and 2 dogs (even sexier) and everything is fine regardless of doors hitting us anywhere at all! His dad may have money, but he is not as hysterically funny as I think I am (read "I KNOW I am). And you're right, it's much easier to be poor in the summer!
Regarding being F-A-T. I gained 30 lbs when I turned 50 and I've enjoyed it so much I continue to keep it on at 51! I wish I could afford to go tan since tan fat is so much better looking than white fat, HOWEVER, I have come to the conclusion that fat is a frame of mind - at least until I bend over and crouch down and feel that roll of flesh preventing me from folding up like an origami project. If I refrain from comparing myself to all the size 0's and 2's that populate Westport, CT, I really am liking myself and think I'm one of the best people I know and have a great time. And you, girl, are wonderful, pretty (and on occasion very red), bright, talented, adventurous and very sexy with both your cats and your sense of humor! Funny is the sexiest. I wonder what your laugh is like. When I really get going, I have a tendency to snort - sexy only to livestock or barn hands. So, stop beating yourself up, weight is a temporary condition and you know it since you've lost it in the past. I'm going to Weight Watchers so I can eat anything I want and still lose a couple of pounds a week. Reality not "miracles". I HAVE to lose I can't afford to get bigger clothes! Not yet! I like big clothes anyway ... I just like them to fit looser!!
Much love to you, you sexy chic! Your pal Mary
Posted by: mary erdman at June 1, 2005 06:12 PM
My hor-O-scope is great!! I am a cappy and I am so glad Saturn is leaving my house and hopefully, will be gone for a very long time. The last 2 years have sucked!!!!! Laurie - I love your blog and think you are absolutely wonderful.
Posted by: LaDonna at June 1, 2005 06:31 PM
I love your cancer predictions. I am SOOO the fuck ready for the new boyfriend :)
Posted by: stinkerbell at June 2, 2005 02:14 AM
Bummer. I'm a Scorpio. I'm about to lose my grant funded job so I've already started to conserve. Time to smash the piggie bank and sell things on Ebay. But having the summer off isn't such a bad thing :)
Tanya
Posted by: Tanya at June 2, 2005 04:54 AM
Have you been in my head? Is that how you know I'm living in here? I promise, AstrOloger ExtraOrdinaire to try to get out once in a while!
Posted by: Annette at June 2, 2005 05:45 AM
OK, now I know why DH (gemini) and I (sagg) have had so much bad karma lately. It's all Saturn's fault! Adios Saturn!
Posted by: Risë at June 2, 2005 07:16 AM
Argh! Your horoscope for me is right on the spot! (I'm a Scorpio). Ok, I'll stop buying yarn. Sigh...
Posted by: marichan at June 2, 2005 07:47 AM
I didn't know anybody was slinging crap at me behind my back?!?!?! Great, now I'm completely paranoid. But when I find out who it is, I'll definitely kick some ass. Or take some names.
I really need to get my chart done. I'm so not Aries. I think Cancer is my moon sign or ascendant or something.
Posted by: Madeleine at June 2, 2005 08:10 AM
Auntie Purl....I think you should put a tip jar on your site. I would so totally pay you to do an astrological report for me for the next 3 months. Think of all the yarn you could buy with the extra income!!!! Really, think about it.
Posted by: lost capricorn at June 2, 2005 09:01 AM
Oh, cool, so my Scorpio husband has to stop spending it all so I, oh-so-fab Gemini, can enhance my beauty and charm. I can dig that ;-) So this means a huge stash enhancement and an Ashford Joy, right? (somehow, on soooo many levels, I think he's not going to fall for this, no matter how charming I am...)
Posted by: Lee Ann at June 2, 2005 10:32 AM
Auntie Purl!!
Love your Aries horoscope! Right on the money for me! I recently had a big throw-down with a colleague at work over her being miffed at me and sniping at me all day until I Had Had Enough of Being Her Goat.
I know now that being a cool-tempered 44 doesn't preclude one from delivering an acidic speech and them stomping out for a necessary trip to secure a Wendy's Frosty mandatory cooling-off period and calorie inflation before returning to the office and finishing a project, does it? No, it does not.
Now if I could just transfer the calories to her!
Posted by: Carolyn B. at June 2, 2005 11:23 AM
Well I'm an Aries and I so needed to hear that one!!!! Come visit some time i will be visiting you again!
Posted by: Raquita at June 2, 2005 12:58 PM
Man! That explains a lot. I'm a Virgo, but I have a Sagittarius rising, and something's sure been kicking my ass for the past while.
... and maybe I LIKE contemplating dust mites. ;-)
Posted by: Geogrrl at June 2, 2005 01:09 PM
I'm a Cancer but for lifetime horOscope readings I use my Southern Zodiac sign of Collards.
OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over her life and see the seeds of her influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of herself if she's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE Mar 21- April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This may be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. I'm just saying.
POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but it seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. Y'all are always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but y'all have very, very good heads. Believe me.
COLLARDS June 22 - July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH July 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although y'alls whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow woman. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN October 24 - Nov 22
Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is a somewhat kinky mating possibility, although, there is strength in numbers and your problems will still be running you over. Finally, stay away from Moon Pies.
Posted by: JJ at June 2, 2005 05:52 PM
oooo... are you a Pisces, too?? I can't BEGIN to tell you how happy I will be when Saturn moves on. Perhaps my Sag pal and I will host the East cost bash and we can all trade picture. :-)
Posted by: Lisa at June 2, 2005 10:33 PM
You sure do mention July 16th a lot in the 'scopes. THAT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! Woo Hoo....So I guess I got good times ahead, right?
Posted by: Karyn at June 18, 2005 06:50 PM
Very nice. I hope you'll update very soon. amazing 3D effect: http://interactive.usc.edu/members/students/2005/09/carcassonne.php , No proof of ideas
Posted by: Trevor Freeman at October 5, 2005 12:01 PM
