First the bus, now the drunken cousinfuckers - are you some sort of magnet for random flames?

Nice trees on the corner of Divorce and Incest Streets, though.

Well, Shelby, I had not considered that. Perhaps I am. Hmmmmmm. But wait... doesn't everybody have stuff catching on fire around them? C'mon..... help a girl out here.....

Perhaps the cats were testing their plot to eliminate you on the neighbors first?

Have you been reading/studying/practicing The Power of Intention recently? Just asking.

omG... While I'm horrified for you I do have to admit I find your rendering of your neighbors hysterical.

Maybe now they'll move their icky nasty (ew, cousins) selves far far FAR away from you and you'll get a hunky single neighbor.. you know, one tends to his yard and doesN'T sleep with his cousin.

Hey, doing what I can to help you out.

Umm, I am supposed to have neighbors like this. Not you. How does stuff like this always happen to you?

let all your cats out,maybe they will all poop on your neighbours lawn lol.if that doesn't work ya'll can come live up in Canada!

Crazy, I thought people like your neighbors only existed in jokes and on Blue Collar TV! (which I do NOT watch by the way). I try at all costs to stay away from my neighbors. But then mine aren't walking INTO my home. I definately hope they go away and leave you in peace.

Hey! I think they lived next door to me when I was growing up in Dallas!

Oh, my God...how funny and yet sad for you. In my ex's parents' neighborhood, a guy one block over blew up his house with a homemade bomb that went off only after he had shot himself. Imagine the spin the real estate agent has to put on that (here it would make sense to clear up the fact that the house was not destroyed, as he had the bomb in the attic, and it wasn't that great of a bomb). Of course, that was in New Jersey, where such things are expected.

Oh, and I got the hang of the checkerboard and am SO loving REAL KNITTING! Next, I will tackle a hat!

Still loving your blog!

Mary -- I'm glad the checkerboard is working for you!! Isn't it fun? And it looks so complicated but it's so easy!

Crystal, I must have a weirdo-magnet. heh heh

Laurie your post left me utterly without words. How said some people in life are, not you, your freaky scary beyond real neighbors. Really with the things that have happened recently I'm waiting for you to right a sitcom, it's gotta be better than what's currently out there.

Laurie -- First of all, you have to love Rebecca -- she has a cool name so therefore I love her too. Secondly HOW is this possible? You must be having the worst run of luck EVER but what I like most is that you find the humor in the situation. Keep em coming! I'd be your neighbor if you weren't so far away.

I believe that your vodoo is coming into play here. Only problem is that it doesn't work on incest cases. Didn't you see that disclaimer? Oh yeah, it was in Spanish.

OK, I'm Spanish. Send me the voodoo instructions and I'll make sure it's all working. I even once went to a market that sold nothing but voodoos and witchery in Mexico City (they even had live animals for sacrifices!). Yeah, it was the start of a series of me being dumped by a man and not knowing what to do about it. Maybe I should make a trip to Mexico City and go again and get cleansed, that wouldn't hurt, I'm sure. Anyway, send the instructions for the voodoo we'll figure it out!

But did you have any calling cards to give to the cute firemen??? Were there any cute firemen?? Dish!

You know what's funny? My dad and I talk about how I have GOOD luck. I mean yes, stuff catches on fire... but I'm ok. I'm fine! My neighbors? Weird. Yes. But funny? YES. Also, who puts out a house fire with one hand holding a beer? hahahahaha ... my neigbors. I love Los Angeles.

Ooooh, Maria... you voodoo speaker, you! I love it. LOL

April, I was dead asleep when the hullabaloo started so when I went outside I had that sleepy lopsided ponytail thing going on and I was in cat-hair-covered pajamas. So NOT hot. I was so sleepy I just sort of made sure nothing of mine was on fire and went back to bed. In retrospect, I am SO LAME!!!

Look how much work I'm getting done today. la la la.

when i got divorced my circle of girlfriends thought my luck was the worst a person could have. it gets better. i mean you could be drunk julie - so life could be worse right?! sigh. crazy shit. i empathize with the moving story of paying a grand and feeling like hell. man. i remember that pain all too well. Hang tough girl. hang tough. you got love around you. and they're leaving their digs. That's the good news.

Laurie - I'm at work too! Shhhhh!

That was so hilarious - I almost lost control - a hazard of reading your blog at work. I loved your friend's reactions, especially her silent distress!

HAHAHA!! A very similar thing happened to us a couple of years back - we were living in a little garden apartment behind the landlord's house. The landlord didn't live there, but his crazy son did (this isn't my opinion, the chap had learning disabilities and mental health problems - DH and are are social workers and his dad was always trying to make us get him into an institution of some sort).

Anyway, crazy son allowed two squatters to come and live with him - drunken Rob and scary-crazy Lorraine. One night at 4am their million year old station wagon, parked in front of our apartment, went on fire. DH wouldn't let me go out and look - he made me turn off the lights and pretend we weren't home cos he was too tired to be evacuated. Heehee.

I'm not at work (yet). I have the weird just woken up hair thing going. There's a reason for that.
Wow - your neighbours are freaky. But you said there are some normal(ish) ones?
We had a housefire in our street at 2am the same year as halleys comet. Men would come out into the street only wearing jocks then look at the crowd alternately oohing at the housefire and the comet then go back inside and reappear wearing shorts. It was the best night in our street ever! So community building! LOL

Oh. My. God.

I have no words. None. Am speechless.

Did you secretly use a voodoo candle on the crackhead neighbors? ;-) No one could blame you after their lovely intro on your move in day. :-O

I am just utterly without words here (and yet I continue to type). The what? With the who? In the what now? They let things like this happen in LA?

I am glad these things happen near you, and not near me, because I would just be speechless with horror and not entertaining at all.

That is so funny. I thought I had it bad with the homeless couple having sex on the side walk one day and having a bbq with a small grill the next. At least they don't roll up in the crib, pokin' theys heads around. Too funny...

Ewwwwwwww... cousins.

::shiver::

Aww, kissin' cousins. Ain't that cute?

OK, I'm totally kidding. What a nightmare.

Ahh...nothing like cousin love gone wrong. Isn't there some sort of Mexican voodoo candle for getting rid of disturbing neighbors? If not, at least they keep you entertained--in a scary, afraid to go to sleep way.

OMG! I hope those idiots are renting. It would seem that their landlord would throw them out of the now-partially burnt house?? Cross your fingers!

oh man. it just never stops does it. the smoking would have been the first thing. GET OUT!

Oh honey, I feel for you. Only AFTER we closed on our house did the woman who sold it to us tell me that she had seen the mother of the renter family across the street up on the 2nd floor balcony with some guy-not-her-partner SUCKING HER TIT in broad daylight while her kids shouted to her from the front yard (she shouting back "shut the f*ck up" while the guy kept SUCKING HER TIT in front of her kids). Thankfully they're gone now.

Just. Damn. And I thought I had problems because my neighbors only mow their yard once and year, and haven't painted the house in at least 15. Yikes!

D'oh!!! so sorry to hear about your crazy neighbors. I had one myself. She used to call the cops on me telling them that "a Mexican is stealing her black truck but then brings it back, then steals it again the next day". Wouldn't you know, I'm THE Mexican, with a black truck. She thought my truck was hers, and would report me stealing it. Boy that was fun. Got to meet alot of the San Jose Police Department. She eventually got evicted from the condos HOWEVER, she was arrested a week later when she broke into the house she was evicted from and called the cops to say that "someone broke into her house". OY!

Wow. In Encino? Maybe Venice, but The Valley? What's the world coming to!

Yikes! When you described Crackhead Bob with the fire hose in one hand and the beer in another, I had a flash of the scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation where Cousin Eddie, clad only in a bathrobe and a deerstalker, is emptying his chemical toilet into the sewer drain in front of the Griswolds' house. There goes my appetite (which is good - I so need to lose weight).
I hope they go back under whatever rock they crawled out from. (Yes I knows my grammers)

That is both horrific and hilarious at the same time. The neighbors I had at my last house were very nice, married couple who just happened to both be BIPOLAR!!! The husband put out a 7 foot carved wooden Totem Pole Bear out in his front yard and then proceeded to nail a stuffed bear on its back. People used to slow down in there cars to see the spectacle. That doesn't even explain the birds that they let have their OWN ROOM! Words do not express the stench. I feel your pain... Unfortunately I do.

You made all that up didn't you? I mean, we've all had bad neighbors, the mean old lady or whatever, but that's sooooo bad! I'd stay inside too :)

Oh my god, reading all these awful neighbor stories...gives me the creeps. Funny, but in a glad it's not me way.

I've blotted out all the weirdo neighbors lurking in my past. Now I live in a neighborhood where all the weirdness stays behind closed doors -- lots of WASPS in my neck of the woods.

Oh geez...and I thought my naked next door neighbor with the hot tub was bad enough...And my brother-in-law that's like Cousin Eddie in CHRISTMAS VACATION... he even has the RV.

Glad you are ok girlfriend....

wow. this inspired my first comment to you.

*hug* poor laurie.

things will get better. and i will practice mental voodoo on the psychodrunk neighbors....

It could be worse you know. They could be brother and sister, and have a rather unhealthy relationship with the family dog too.

Vicki, I could not make this up if I tried.

I wonder how long the pile of charred junk on his yard will sit there? All the neighbors are asking each other about it now. I think we ought to start a pool and take bets. I'm guessing six weeks....

I don't know if anyone else asked this but.... Aren't Crackhead Bob and Drunkin' Julie boyfriend/girlfriend?? (among other things?) So where did rehab boyfriend come in? and why did Bob hide on the roof? Wow!

Heather, it made no sense to me either. I guess they broke up? And in Jerry Springerland the way to do that is to set the house on fire while Bob is on the roof?

Laurie, please tell me you didn't name your cat after your neighbor....!

OF COURSE NOT! Bob the Cat is the Real Bob. Crackhead Bob is a Robert or something.

At our old place in Venice we had some pretty scary cracked out neighbors, but we never realized how bad it was until they got evicted and the nice Canadian couple that moved in a after them told us the horrors of what they found the first time they saw the place. Sure, we’d heard a few domestic disturbances on the other side of the fence, but they said they found feces, urine, needles, drug paraphernalia, and doors and walls with holes punched straight through them. All this, just feet from my back door. I can’t believe they moved into the place.

You learn to not be shocked by that sort of thing in Venice, but Encino? It really is a jungle out there.

Laurie, I'm Canadian too and I'd love to be your neighbour, except if I was then there is a chance that your unusual freak-attraction properties might rub off on my life and then I'd be the one living next door to the drunken crack ho and her whacked cousin in their flaming shack o' illicit love. But seriously, I am sorry for all your troubles and I hope this little conflagration might inspire them to move away! And really, if we were neighbours, we'd be knitting and crocheting away like mad and scarfing cheesies while watching great old movies like "How I Killed Mr. X and Buried His Loser Ass Body in the Crackheads' Backyard" starring Mr. X as himself. :-)

Man, I thought that kind of stuff only happened in small towns in the Midwest, where I grew up. I grew up in Dansville, Michigan, the town made famous in the made-for-TV movie, "The Burning Bed." Yup, that one actually happened. My step-uncle was the volunteer firefighter who found the guy. No one talks about it much. I can safely say that I'm not blood-related to anyone there, but I sure seem to know a lot about them. ;)

Stuff was always burning down back home. Kind of a thing, actually. My ex-step-dad was a volunteer fire fighter, and boy, did he have stories.

How is that happening in California? Are those people from Dansville, or worse, Leslie?

Oh, I hear you girl. Before this house, I lived in an apartment nextdoor to crack lady. People coming and going all the time. Very Scary People. Then I became a homeowner and realized I lived next door to stray cat lady. She leaves food out for them. They multiply. Not as bad as Crack Lady, but still scary. Hang in there. And keep the fire extinguisher close by.

Well, DUH. Come ON girl. The universe is practically smacking you in the FACE with it.

FIREFIGHTERS. You are attracting FIREFIGHTERS.

For the love of voudoun, go bake some cookies or SOMETHING and GO TO THE FIRE STATION. Your bus, your neighbors house - next time it could be one of your cats or somethin'! Listen, the UNIVERSE WANTS YOU TO MEET FIREFIGHTERS.

That is so messed up. But hysterical, nonetheless. Love how Crackhead Bob had to hide on the roof. wtf? Thanks for giving me a good laugh today, Laurie.

Laurie, Laurie, Laurie!
Do these events really happen to you? I think you're just trying to further your creative writing career and you're making all this stuff up. I'm right, aren't I? You've got the Hollywood bug.

Anyway, years ago I lived upstairs from my landlady. She was deaf. I had to listen to "Star Search" at thundering levels EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. The TV downstairs was turned up so loud, that my beautiful hardwood floors vibrated. We needed extra martinis just to drown out the sound. The upside of Deaf LandLady...I could really crank up my stereo and she never bothered me. Of course, the rabbi across the hall wasn't too pleased.

Now, many years later, at my advanced age and after listening to that cranked-up stereo for SO LONG, I'm going deaf myself! Huh? What did you say? Payback.

The moral of my story: Try to ignore the neighbors. Like, roast marshmallows over that fire next door. Take photos of those crazy intruders and tell them you're working for a tabloid. Get some religious group to visit your neighbors and ply them with literature about their worship group. Try to make the best of bad situations. Who knows, someday these crazy people and funny stories will probably make you more famous than you are now, Ms. Blogger Queen!

L.A. Ell

Hey now! I was your #1, secret, obsessed southern stalker but don't insult Arkansas!! I don't know any crackheads and only a few people married to their cousins! (joking!)

My friend in Michigan has white trash neighbors from hell too, and they've procreated, so count your lucky stars there weren't little nekkid ones running around in the yard...or your yard.

Now that I'm out of the closet as one of your stalkers, please don't ever stop, please never get boring...I know, pressure, but I have to come every day to hear your stories.

Take care!

I feel dirty just reading your post. *lights a candle for you but checks around that Bob isn't here*

Hehe... little naked ones running around your yard and POOPING in your yard. Then you could always run over there and poop in theirs just as retaliation. Watch out for hidden digital cameras least you end up one of those Priceless photos on the net.

First the Giant Slug of Death, and now the Crackhead Neighbors. What is going ON in that neighborhood?

Damn Laurie. I thought that stuff only happened in Redding. I mean it is the meth capitol of the world and it has the highest teen pregnancy rate in California and we're 92% white and a bunch of raging racist Republicans. Plus, I know where a family lives that is known for insest lives! Your neighbors SO have to be from Redding, it all just adds up! God bless, the RDG!!

hey, I think I used to live in that neighborhood. Maybe in that same house, in the early 80's. I'm serious.

You really, really need to take cookies to the local firehouse.

We are the psycho neighbours in our posh neighbourhood. Mommy and Daddy try to blend in but they aren't fooling anyone.
Mommy said when she lived in Montreal she watched a Mom chase her daughter down the street with a broom screaming. And one day she was carrying her laundry home in a laundry basket - in winter (aka winter jacket and boots) and some guy pulled up next to her to see if she was 'available' - it was a good white trash neighbourhood. People would have thought I was just a large rat. WHICH IS NOT TRUE!!!!
I'M A CLASSY CANADIAN (I only farted in Mommy's truck once today)

I live in Arkansas, and we don't behave that way. Just felt it had to be said. Good luck, though, and thanks for the story. All the stories, for that matter.

I am beginning to think that you neird a weird arse new age cleansing ceremony! There must be some reason you are attracting all this bad luck!

I think I just wet myself laughing. Excuse me while I go change into dry pajamas!

I can't help but wonder how she and the new boyfriend are related...

The "Encino Arkansas" had a bit a of sting to it as I sit here in NE AR this morning but since I did escape for 26 years (to a life in the valley) I'll get over it. You be careful, there's meth in them thar hills!

I was laughing so hard when I read this!!I also read it to my dh, and he thought it was pretty funny.I wasn't exactly shocked, it is California after all ;) (no offense native cali people) LOL
Your life just seems to get more and more interesting.

Holy crap! And I thought my life (at work) was a crazy soap opera. Well, does this mean the crackheads are movin' on out? To the east side? To a deluxe apartment in the sky? At any rate...I hope they're out of your (extremely gorgeous) hair soon!

Oh...and I meant to add that one-fanged Roy is simply my favorite cat - ever. Just don't tell my three cats, okay? 'Cause I know they would totally plot my demise if I didn't give 'em enough love and affection (not to mention enough yummy cat food, too).

Thanks for the laugh Laurie!

Sorry they are your neighbors sweets, but take that advice... offer cookies to firemen. Hott Firemen. They make a little more money than Hott Busdrivers. :)

Hot firemen, hot policemen. Maybe you should meet the guy down the street who has the pit bulls. They could be your security guards.

hmmm except for the boarded up windows, that looks like my house.

i wonder if our neighbors refer to us as redneck joe and smallcar maryse (i'm the only person in my neighborhood who does not drive an suv)

"Come on baby light my fire..." Was all I could think of when reading this. Cookies are good! Take cookies to the firemen, I agree that this is your destiny to date a fireman.
You need to learn how to control this apparent fire-manifesting subconscious ability you have and direct it toward Mr. X. Wouldn't it be great if his highlights and goatee suddenly caught on fire? :o)
Thanks for making another boring day for me seem like it's not so bad. Love and happy thoughts!

LOL...what a day to remember...I mean when you meet your crackhead neighbours and all =)

I hope you've recovered from the shock of meeting them...and I hope you are doing okay in your new house!!

I was going to say that I was the psycho neighbour in my neighbourhood, but Minou beat me to the punch. In actual fact, I'm not really so much psycho, but am cultivating some "white trash chic" in my back yard.

I am Canadian, but perhaps am not so classy as your Rebecca, because I know cousins WHO ARE MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES TOGETHER. Ew ew ew ew ewewewewewewewewewew

OMG! That sounds like something out of a sitcom!

Wait a minute...you are in CA...maybe you could copy this post and send it to all of the network executives. Surely there is a weekly show out of this kind of material. Or mabye they could go find crackhead Bob and drunken Julie who now live a couple of streets over and put them on a reality show!

I only require a *small* ideas fee! :)