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May 1, 2005

Obviously

The ten things that should have been obvious to me, but for whatever reason I just assumed otherwise.

1. Obviously I should not have gone to the wedding.

2. Obviously, I bellyache quite a bit about my precarious emotional situation pertaining to Mr X. and his new girlfriend/goatee/questionable hetero status and much of it is just whining. Whine whine whine. I am not the first person to ever go through a horrifying divorce. Unfortunately, it's not even funny most of the time. However, since today is a Sunday and if you're here, reading this on a Sunday, you deserve the God's Awful Truth version, which (while not funny) is certainly honest.

3. Obviously, I should NOT have gone to the wedding.

4. Jennifer's funnier story completely glosses over the fact that I sat on a pew in the Chapel of the Lord right between her and Amber and before people even walked up the aisle, I was silently bawling like an insane person.

5. Obviously, I am an insane person.

6. I cried throughout the entire ceremony. The big, heaving crying where you think you may never stop. But I think I was quiet. And my friends swore that nobody noticed.

7. Obviously, I have wonderful friends who can lie, when necessary, with a totally straight face.

8. Obviously, we had to leave right after the ceremony because yours truly, Crazy Crying Lady, was in the parking lot hiding behind an SUV smoking furiously and still sobbing uncontrollably, repeating in a crying hiccuping insane person voice, "She looked so pretty! And so happy! And the I Do's... The I Do's ... I said the I Do's! He said the I Do's! But what the fuck does that mean? I do? I do ...until... oh I just DON'T anymore? Is that what it means? I take you for better or for worse or until I just need my creativity back? Marriage is a lie! But she looked so happeeee....." Cry, sob, carry on.

9. Obviously, I should never wear pantyhose. I spent 20 minutes in the bedroom trying to pull on pantyhose for this wedding, a wedding I should never have attended even though it's the wedding of a coworker who would be miffed at me 'til the end of all time for not going, and maybe make for an uncomfortable work environment, so really. I had to go. But I broke out in a sweat pulling on those pantyhose and it pretty much set the tone for the whole day. I blame it all on the pantyhose.

10. Obviously, it's now all over. And folks, it is a BRAND NEW DAY. I have listened every single day to all the details of my coworker's wedding, down to viewing the Power Point presentation she made of her wedding cake ideas. The intensity of her wedding seemed to gather speed inversely proportional to the crumbling demise of my own marriage. And I am very happy for her, for anyone starting out on a new life, truly I am. And she looked wonderful and happy in her white dress on her big day. But it is now a BRAND NEW DAY. No wedding looming on the horizon. My worst fears? Totally came true. I broke down into a hysterical mess right in the church. But you know what? It's over. The pantyhose? In the trash. The voodoo candles? Going to light them all tonight. I feel relieved (and also, a tee tiny bit humiliated for all the crying) but I am FREE.

And, obviously, that is a wonderful thing.

Posted by laurie at May 1, 2005 4:56 PM