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May 12, 2005

My beloved valley is diseased

Disease, pestilence, plague! But first ... knitting!

After a small but public freak-out yesterday over my hat's infancy, I called Shannon and made her measure her head. Her head was totally 21 inches and that's what I guessed! This can only mean one thing: I AM PSYCHIC. The voodoo must be working.

Luckily, I called her before I got too far along in the Orange Hat because she prefers rollie-brim knit hats to ribbed-brim (you know... snug hats with ribbing make for bad hat-hair. Bad.)

So, I ripped out my first try and now I'm motoring away on a simple stockinette roll-brim hat. Or, rather, if I finish it and it looks good, then it is simple. If it is lopsided, doesn't fit or is ugly, it will get felted into a cat toy. I'll post the pattern after I'm done (if it looks good). I still have to work out all the decreases to get it just right.

Now, for the contagious portion of our program:


This is posted on the chain-link fence across the street from the bus stop in Encino.

I may have a tee tiny little problem with hypochondria. Not the normal "I think I have a cold" hypochondria. I mean the "Oh my God there's a new disease called monkeypox and I must not leave my house in case I get it from you, dirty unwashed masses of the world ..." kind of hypochondria.

New diseases are scary and also GROSS. Remember the flesh-eating bacteria? Sure you do. I read one story about a guy who had a pimple and before you know it.. FLESH EATING BACTERIA. Ya'll know I loaded up on Neosporin and disinfectant and of course scrutinized every blemish for signs of flesh-eating activity. (Luckily, none was found. LUCKILY.)

Remember anthrax? During the height of the Anthrax scare I picked out a really good photo of myself and made my parents PROMISE to use it in my obit in case I died of Anthrax poisoning, because my Driver's License photo looks demented and I want a hot-looking obituary notice. Am I morbid? Or just extremely vain? Hard to say.

And SARS? Yeah. That was back when I took the subway into downtown every day. Oh, the delirious SARS days, when my friends all got together for lunch and Jennifer had everyone laughing in tears telling them she was waiting to see if my germaphobia would vanquish my vanity and I'd show up at the Red Line one day wearing a surgical mask.

(Yeah, ya'll laugh. Go ahead. UNTIL I COUGH ON YOU.)

When the National Institute of Health declared that obesity was a disease, I threatened my boss that I was going to call in fat. But this one is even better... now we have West Nile in the Valley. "Mr. Boss, I can't come to work today because I saw a mosquito hovering near my car. And it was giving off a West Nile vibe, like it was sick, and also trying to kill me .... "



Posted by laurie at May 12, 2005 9:12 AM