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May 01, 2005
Hor-O-Scopes
In honor of my mom's birthday -- today! May 1st! -- I thought I'd dust off my past career as a faux astrologer (oh, the things ya'll don't know about me ... and the things you never will...) and bust out a May Hor-O-Scope just for her. But I felt sad leaving the other eleven signs out to dry. You know how I am. So, on a trial basis only, here are the May 2005 Hor-O-Scopes, and happy birthday!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
This is a good time to take up a new sport, buy a new bag, sing a new song and try a new perfume. This is not a good time to trust a new love salesman, make strident accusations or get a daring haircut. You might feel all giddy and ready to rumble, but you'll end up with a black eye and a painful headache if you venture out of the comfort zone this month. Plus, any drastic change you make to your hair will be immediately regrettable. Hey, I'm just telling you what the chart says, don't shoot the messenger.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
The word giddy is sorely missing from your vocabulary these days. Make a mental note to bring back some woozy, lightheaded fun to your spring. Each time you find yourself trying to hole up in your little room, you must force yourself to play in the sandbox with the other kids. You don't have to play nice, and you don't have to play fair, but you do have to leave the confines of your solitary little life and have some social interaction. The reason? If you don't get outside and play, you'll see yourself turn into the spitting image of your mother even sooner than you suspected. (Sorry, moms!)
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
I suggest you declare yourself Queen of the Zodiac and have a parade for yourself. You have handled the first quarter of the year with astounding fortitude and although that rocky week or two right after the new year made you feel completely inadequate, you masked it with a wellspring of cockiness. Your newfound energy and enthusiasm is infectious, so why are some people in your radar still dragging behind? Have no fear, your energy this summer will eclipse their moon of sloth. And if your friends still can't get their butts in gear, there's really only one way to cope with such slackerdom: Bribery. Use it as a last resort.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
A recent poll shows that 65% of Taurus girls are undecided. One of my Taurus girlfriends told me last week she felt "very unsure" about her future. Which begs the question -- can you be very not sure? Is it actually possible to feel extremely neither one way or the other? Can something be terribly ambiguous? Are you confused yet? Let's just call a moratorium on wishy-washiness this month and make a decision or two. Shall we?
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I'm part Gemini, did you know that? Ya'll, I'm a half-breed. So I can understand your headstrong and fancy free ways. This month is gonna be a doozy for most signs in the zodiac, and unless you insulate yourself away at Camp Gemini, you'll have to deal with us sooner or later. Rather than give up on all of humankind, just take a step back and don't let yourself be drawn into our petty skirmishes. Go off and do your own thing, and we'll work it out by mid-July when Saturn is finally OUT OF HERE.
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
I got a little shiver. Something in your life is giving you cold feet -- it's possible that you have wedged yourself into this situation like an iceberg, and you simply don't want to budge. Feeling cold-hearted as well? That nagging distrust of yours is frosty enough to freeze hell over ... twice. Have all these frigid metaphors left you cold? Whatever you do, don't freeze me out -- I'm just suggesting you need to give this one up cold turkey, and get a move on into some warmer climate. Take that risk while it's still fresh, and spend some time in the warmth of a close friend's company this month. And no cold shoulders, miss! Especially to those who are trying to help you thaw.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
"Necessity is always the easiest excuse..." Isn't it? Lately, you "need" to do this, "should" do that, "must" be more than you are. It's an excuse ... and it's bad for the complexion. Leo girls know it is far easier to rely on other people's expectations than to fully realize your own hopes for yourself. Do you really need to fill all the obligations on your long, long list? Who knows what kind of startling revelations and sexy close-calls you'll have once you stop being a "should" girl. I'd like to see you use a little more "so what?" and a lot less "I'm sorry." Don't apologize to a single soul today. Take the biggest helping, order yours first, cut in line. You might find a little selfishness is a good thing.
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Let's see if this sounds familiar: A combination of scientific and spiritual sides, one part of you seeking to believe, another caught in an eternal doubt. A listener who loathes always being the quiet one. A loner who wishes for social graces yet despises public gatherings. Am I getting warm? If someone close to you shocks you this month with a startling revelation that they are in fact the two-headed love child of Barbie and G.I. Joe, do not be alarmed. It is merely the trickery of spring, when people reach out to define themselves before a new summer begins. You can do a little self-defining of your own, you know. Don't leave to fate what you'd rather do yourself.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
The obsessive desire of Americans to own all the space between Plymouth Rock and the Pacific Ocean was called "Manifest Destiny." I like the sound of that phrase, it contains some mythical feeling of God-given rights to spread out and be spacious. I grant you, this month, the right to your own personal Manifest Destiny. Usurp your own power, reclaim forgotten spaces, make room for the wide open expanse of summer. Stake your claim in the future and make strides to get there sometime this century.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
There is an ancient saying, "There's no fool like an old fool." John Heywood first recorded this proverb back in 1546, in the dusty days of ye olde fooles. Since it is nearly summer, Scorpio, and old man Saturn will soon exit the building, I decided to resurrect this saying just for you. My pre-summer advice for scorpions -- don't fall for someone's same old crap this month, even if it's disguised as shiny, new crap. It's still crap.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Isn't there enough mundane and boring stuff in the world? Isn't it nice to have a little drama for a change? After all, even if the mystery and surprise is wrapped in a huge headache, you can simply blame the pain on your mind expanding. I mention this to you because you're always the peacemaker, and this month you'll need an extra dose of Pollyanna to keep your cool when someone tests the boundaries of their favorite shoulder-to-cry-on. But you know, it won't be dull ... and that's something.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Some incense, some chanting, some new-age mumbo jumbo boogie, and you're off on a spring soul cleaning of unparalleled proportions. It's akin to the big 50% price reductions at Bloomingdale's .... out with the old and in with the new. The only problem with all your chanting and singing and wafting of patchouli is that you don't have a serious mantra. I suggest something simple like MAKE HIM ADORE ME to help cleanse the soul and get you in the mood.
OK, so that's the May 1st surprise. A little known nugget about my past as a very poor, but likable, astrologer and a Happy Birthday to my mom. If this was simply the most retarded post you have ever read, or if you think Hor-O-Scopes should make another appearance next month ... I am no longer accepting feedback via mental telepathy and all. Heh.
P.S. Ya'll, don't let your babies grow up to be astrologers. Don't let 'em light candles and write their own stuff, let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such.
Posted by laurie at May 1, 2005 05:15 PM
Comments
Wow, I'm totally floored by my horoscope, Libra. This summer is a big transition for me, from a classroom bound 2nd year med student to a hosptial-lovin', White Coat wearin' third year. It is a time when I need a little pat on the back and some encouragement to "stake my claim on the future!" Thanks Laurie. Note: this is my 2nd post to your site in about 2 mins. I have a life...
Posted by: mia at May 1, 2005 05:50 PM
Now I have Waylon Jennings stuck in my head. Could be worse. Could be Willie Nelson.
I love the horoscopes! Nothing better than telling a Leo to do her own thing. What are the other Leo's doing? Because I like to be the one doling out the shoud's.
Happy Birthday, Crazy Aunt Purl's mommy! She didn't give you that damn chicken hat did she? I know where you can get a candle to get rid of it.
Posted by: Anonymous at May 1, 2005 06:11 PM
Cancer here... and you freaked me out with this hor-o-scope. I'm just saying.
Posted by: ~drew emborsky~ at May 1, 2005 06:36 PM
Wow - your Sag reading is pretty dead on! Thanks for the heads up and a very happy healthy birthday to your mom, with many more to come!
Posted by: Dani at May 1, 2005 06:38 PM
I'm a cancer, too, Drew, when is your birthday? And I don't control the stars, darlin', much AS I WANT TO. hah hah
Posted by: laurie at May 1, 2005 06:39 PM
I love it!
I say do it every month!
Posted by: Vanessa O'Donnell at May 1, 2005 06:39 PM
July 6... how about you?
Posted by: ~drew emborsky~ at May 1, 2005 06:59 PM
The job of knitting-blog-astrologer was vacant the last time I checked. Take it, its yours.
Posted by: claudia at May 1, 2005 07:02 PM
Oooh, love me a horoscope. But really, speaking as a Leo, you need to tell me to be more selfish like you need to tell me to drink another Diet Coke. It's automatic, y'all. Yay Leos! Me! Me! Me!
(My Virgo cusp: "Shhh! They'll hear you! Just be quiet and self-effacing now.")
Posted by: Ashley at May 1, 2005 07:56 PM
Shit. I was going to get my hair cut.
Posted by: Stephanie VW at May 1, 2005 07:58 PM
You are the funniest goof! I too do horoscopes but no one wanted to hear em and I stopped. You keep me laughing and I loved your predictions.
Hey, about those voodoo candles. Be careful. They are nasty to get off the carpet when they spill.
Posted by: Janis at May 1, 2005 08:17 PM
Love 'em. Love 'em, love 'em, love 'em... :)
Posted by: Michelle at May 1, 2005 08:19 PM
You know me so well. What a cool job. Definitely give us horoscapes again sometime. I don't want to believe, but how could I not when they're that close :)
Posted by: Vicki at May 1, 2005 09:29 PM
You got my horoscope right!
Have you thought about having a divorce party once it's final? Celebrate good times! Come on!
Posted by: San Francisco Knitter at May 1, 2005 09:30 PM
Love mine (Pisces). And Happy Birthday Momma Purl!
Posted by: ShelbyD at May 1, 2005 09:38 PM
Wow! Are you sure we haven't met in a previous life? Your Pisces is smack in the bulls-eye! I am so bad at forting up in my little den, being a *very* stay-at-home person for days and days.. But I'm workin' on it!
All the gods forbid I should turn into my mother! On second thought, I seriously doubt I could lose that much interest in life!!
Posted by: CatBookMom at May 1, 2005 09:58 PM
bwahahaha... scorpio here, *amused*
Posted by: stacy at May 1, 2005 10:19 PM
as a former lover of all things zodiackey, i ADORED this post. your assesments were dead on and oh so pleased my (mercury on the cusp of Cancer/Leo) heart. i love me some ho-ro-scopes.
Posted by: yonni at May 1, 2005 10:50 PM
i'm glad i read this, laurie, cuz i was thinking about doing something drastic to my hair...coincidence? i think not!!
when are we getting together so you can teach me to knit! i am going to live w/ my parents for a few weeks, i am going to have lots of free time. help save me from the boredom!
Posted by: Penny at May 1, 2005 11:19 PM
Wow - the combination of me (Scorpio sun sign) with cancer and pisces (ascendant and moon signs only i can't remember which way around) is pretty freakily like me! Thanks Aunt Purl for making it all so clear, especially in light of recent events.... (to be blogged)
Posted by: Lynne S of Oz at May 1, 2005 11:47 PM
I stopped reading the newspaper a while ago so your hor-o-scopes would be very helpful! Jane
Posted by: jane at May 2, 2005 02:30 AM
Another Cancer here!!! the 12th.. Oooh I'm shivering now too.. I love the hor-o-scope thing and would love it monthly.. Maybe there be warmth next month???????? I hope you knitted your Mom the HAT!! How funny!! I love your writting-keep it up and I perdict a third (or is it more) career in your future.
Posted by: lawre at May 2, 2005 03:28 AM
Another vote for making this a monthly feature! You are a woman of many talents, Laurie. :)
Posted by: Liz at May 2, 2005 05:31 AM
More horoscopes next month please. but Taurus needs to be less lame :-)
Posted by: Jo in Ottawa at May 2, 2005 05:36 AM
More horoscopes next month please. but Taurus needs to be less lame :-)
Posted by: Jo in Ottawa at May 2, 2005 05:37 AM
Loved the Horoscope! Please keep it up. They were perfect (I checked mine, and a friend of mine's that I always keep up with)!
Thank you. :)
Willa
Posted by: Willa at May 2, 2005 05:51 AM
Please continue the hor-o-scopes if you have the time.
I love your blog and anxiously await your next post.
Stacy
Posted by: stacy at May 2, 2005 06:32 AM
wow mine seemed right on. except i plan to ignore its advice. :)
Posted by: carolyn at May 2, 2005 06:47 AM
Excellent Cancer post. I vote for a monthly reading.
Posted by: Amy at May 2, 2005 07:43 AM
I'm a Taurus. I think I liked mine, but I'm not sure. I need to think about it some more.
KIDDING! Please write more
Posted by: Pegasus at May 2, 2005 07:45 AM
I love the horoscopes! Please do them again next month! (And I don't understand why you were a poor astrologer; these are much better than the ones in magazines...)
Posted by: Cordelia at May 2, 2005 08:02 AM
Leo checking in and boy oh boh how creepy. I wish I had read this yesterday morning b/c I was doing some hardcore apologizing yesterday......let's just you hit way close to home with the horoscope.
Posted by: Bonnie at May 2, 2005 08:25 AM
Ha! You have no idea how accurate your Scorpio hor-o-scope is for me. No idea!
Posted by: Madalyn at May 2, 2005 10:19 AM
Thank you for the hor-o-scope. 'Nother Cancer and you're so spot on it ain't even funny. So, is it my imagination or is there a preponderance of Cancers here? Do Cancers and knitting go hand in hand? What's up with that? Also, did the guy at the Botanica tell you about cleaning/smoking out the house followed by a special bath to bring the good mojo your way? Considered step one and is critical. Lemme know if you need the particulars.
Posted by: Andrea at May 2, 2005 10:58 AM
I'm finally posting here, even though I have been stalking for awhile. You are my daily secret obsession! Not in a bad way of course. I'm not a weirdo, more just of a nerdy knitter. Loved the hor-o-scope. I am a Cancer gal (as are many others here!) and it was right on target. Please continue!
Posted by: LisaB at May 2, 2005 11:30 AM
Virgo here, and I am SO busted :> "Am I getting warm?"--you could melt diamonds, darlin'! LMAO over every. single. entry.... so glad I ran across a pointer (in a knitting forum) to the infamous bus-on-fire entry X-D
Posted by: Yesrie at May 2, 2005 11:41 AM
Aw man, Taurus wasn't *that* bad, was it? Hmmmm. Blame it on Saturn! I'm blaming everything on Saturn! In fact, come mid-July maybe I'll have a "Saturn is outta here thankgod" party. LOL. And wow, check out all the cancers! (Or don't because we're shy that way.) (But do, really! we love it!)
Posted by: laurie at May 2, 2005 11:50 AM
You're right...It's still crap. damn I knew that too!!!
Posted by: Simone G. at May 2, 2005 01:10 PM
As a bona fide smack in the middle no escapin' it Gemini, bring on those horrorscopes, we don't need no stinkin reality. You are a funny blogger and have moved to the top of my daily read list.
Posted by: KarenK at May 2, 2005 03:22 PM
"Manifest Destiny?"
Yee Haw!
Posted by: Leigh at May 3, 2005 07:06 AM
I think I must have been born in the wrong month - I don't sound like much of a Virgo...
Posted by: annie at May 3, 2005 08:17 AM
Wow, Annie Modesitt comments on your blog! And I know what she means...I've never seemed like much of an Aries. Love the hor-o-scope though.
Posted by: Madeleine at May 3, 2005 09:06 AM
In light of my recent marital separation, your rendition of my horoscope (Sag!) is dead on. :)
Posted by: Kim at May 3, 2005 03:58 PM
I spent the whole day usurping my power, but I still work at the 99 cent store. What gives?
Posted by: Illanna at May 5, 2005 05:02 PM
