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May 1, 2005

Hor-O-Scopes

In honor of my mom's birthday -- today! May 1st! -- I thought I'd dust off my past career as a faux astrologer (oh, the things ya'll don't know about me ... and the things you never will...) and bust out a May Hor-O-Scope just for her. But I felt sad leaving the other eleven signs out to dry. You know how I am. So, on a trial basis only, here are the May 2005 Hor-O-Scopes, and happy birthday!

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
This is a good time to take up a new sport, buy a new bag, sing a new song and try a new perfume. This is not a good time to trust a new love salesman, make strident accusations or get a daring haircut. You might feel all giddy and ready to rumble, but you'll end up with a black eye and a painful headache if you venture out of the comfort zone this month. Plus, any drastic change you make to your hair will be immediately regrettable. Hey, I'm just telling you what the chart says, don't shoot the messenger.


PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
The word giddy is sorely missing from your vocabulary these days. Make a mental note to bring back some woozy, lightheaded fun to your spring. Each time you find yourself trying to hole up in your little room, you must force yourself to play in the sandbox with the other kids. You don't have to play nice, and you don't have to play fair, but you do have to leave the confines of your solitary little life and have some social interaction. The reason? If you don't get outside and play, you'll see yourself turn into the spitting image of your mother even sooner than you suspected. (Sorry, moms!)


ARIES (March 21- April 19)
I suggest you declare yourself Queen of the Zodiac and have a parade for yourself. You have handled the first quarter of the year with astounding fortitude and although that rocky week or two right after the new year made you feel completely inadequate, you masked it with a wellspring of cockiness. Your newfound energy and enthusiasm is infectious, so why are some people in your radar still dragging behind? Have no fear, your energy this summer will eclipse their moon of sloth. And if your friends still can't get their butts in gear, there's really only one way to cope with such slackerdom: Bribery. Use it as a last resort.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
A recent poll shows that 65% of Taurus girls are undecided. One of my Taurus girlfriends told me last week she felt "very unsure" about her future. Which begs the question -- can you be very not sure? Is it actually possible to feel extremely neither one way or the other? Can something be terribly ambiguous? Are you confused yet? Let's just call a moratorium on wishy-washiness this month and make a decision or two. Shall we?


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I'm part Gemini, did you know that? Ya'll, I'm a half-breed. So I can understand your headstrong and fancy free ways. This month is gonna be a doozy for most signs in the zodiac, and unless you insulate yourself away at Camp Gemini, you'll have to deal with us sooner or later. Rather than give up on all of humankind, just take a step back and don't let yourself be drawn into our petty skirmishes. Go off and do your own thing, and we'll work it out by mid-July when Saturn is finally OUT OF HERE.


CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
I got a little shiver. Something in your life is giving you cold feet -- it's possible that you have wedged yourself into this situation like an iceberg, and you simply don't want to budge. Feeling cold-hearted as well? That nagging distrust of yours is frosty enough to freeze hell over ... twice. Have all these frigid metaphors left you cold? Whatever you do, don't freeze me out -- I'm just suggesting you need to give this one up cold turkey, and get a move on into some warmer climate. Take that risk while it's still fresh, and spend some time in the warmth of a close friend's company this month. And no cold shoulders, miss! Especially to those who are trying to help you thaw.


LEO (July 23 - August 22)
"Necessity is always the easiest excuse..." Isn't it? Lately, you "need" to do this, "should" do that, "must" be more than you are. It's an excuse ... and it's bad for the complexion. Leo girls know it is far easier to rely on other people's expectations than to fully realize your own hopes for yourself. Do you really need to fill all the obligations on your long, long list? Who knows what kind of startling revelations and sexy close-calls you'll have once you stop being a "should" girl. I'd like to see you use a little more "so what?" and a lot less "I'm sorry." Don't apologize to a single soul today. Take the biggest helping, order yours first, cut in line. You might find a little selfishness is a good thing.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Let's see if this sounds familiar: A combination of scientific and spiritual sides, one part of you seeking to believe, another caught in an eternal doubt. A listener who loathes always being the quiet one. A loner who wishes for social graces yet despises public gatherings. Am I getting warm? If someone close to you shocks you this month with a startling revelation that they are in fact the two-headed love child of Barbie and G.I. Joe, do not be alarmed. It is merely the trickery of spring, when people reach out to define themselves before a new summer begins. You can do a little self-defining of your own, you know. Don't leave to fate what you'd rather do yourself.


LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
The obsessive desire of Americans to own all the space between Plymouth Rock and the Pacific Ocean was called "Manifest Destiny." I like the sound of that phrase, it contains some mythical feeling of God-given rights to spread out and be spacious. I grant you, this month, the right to your own personal Manifest Destiny. Usurp your own power, reclaim forgotten spaces, make room for the wide open expanse of summer. Stake your claim in the future and make strides to get there sometime this century.


SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
There is an ancient saying, "There's no fool like an old fool." John Heywood first recorded this proverb back in 1546, in the dusty days of ye olde fooles. Since it is nearly summer, Scorpio, and old man Saturn will soon exit the building, I decided to resurrect this saying just for you. My pre-summer advice for scorpions -- don't fall for someone's same old crap this month, even if it's disguised as shiny, new crap. It's still crap.


SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Isn't there enough mundane and boring stuff in the world? Isn't it nice to have a little drama for a change? After all, even if the mystery and surprise is wrapped in a huge headache, you can simply blame the pain on your mind expanding. I mention this to you because you're always the peacemaker, and this month you'll need an extra dose of Pollyanna to keep your cool when someone tests the boundaries of their favorite shoulder-to-cry-on. But you know, it won't be dull ... and that's something.


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Some incense, some chanting, some new-age mumbo jumbo boogie, and you're off on a spring soul cleaning of unparalleled proportions. It's akin to the big 50% price reductions at Bloomingdale's .... out with the old and in with the new. The only problem with all your chanting and singing and wafting of patchouli is that you don't have a serious mantra. I suggest something simple like MAKE HIM ADORE ME to help cleanse the soul and get you in the mood.

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OK, so that's the May 1st surprise. A little known nugget about my past as a very poor, but likable, astrologer and a Happy Birthday to my mom. If this was simply the most retarded post you have ever read, or if you think Hor-O-Scopes should make another appearance next month ... I am no longer accepting feedback via mental telepathy and all. Heh.


P.S. Ya'll, don't let your babies grow up to be astrologers. Don't let 'em light candles and write their own stuff, let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such.

Posted by laurie at May 1, 2005 5:15 PM